Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
by Obsequium Minaris
Summary: A series of unconnected one-shots in which Jaune Arc tries his luck with the various lovely ladies of the RWBY cast, only to find that these ships are anything but smooth sailing.
1. Daddy's Cummies UwU

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 1: Blake, or: Daddy's Cummies UwU

* * *

It had taken a few weeks, but Jaune had eventually developed a sixth sense that enabled him to know when his scroll was lighting up with activity. At first it had been useful, as he hadn't wanted to miss whatever was being shown to him on it. Now, though, it was more annoying than anything. But as much as he wanted to ignore it, he knew better than to try. With a small groan, he cracked both eyes open, then sleepily reached for it, checking Pyrrha's clock as he did so.

_3:28 AM_

Definitely too early to be doing this. Why Blake insisted, he didn't know. Apparently housecats had nocturnal tendencies, but bringing that up around her was always a recipe for disaster, and he would rather not sleep in the doghouse, both proverbially and literally – the only doghouse on campus was the one Zwei slept in, and the corgi did _not _like to share.

Why was he checking his scroll, anyway? He knew what it was going to consist of. It wasn't like she sent him any other messages these days.

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he checked to make sure the rest of his team was asleep, then opened her message. It was a photo message, because of course it was. He clicked on it, then sighed as he watched it load.

_One-in-three chance, Jaune. Place your bets: which will it be?_

_Loading… loading… loading… and, it's ass this time._

A lot of ass, too. By his estimation, approximately 8.7 megabytes worth. Once, he would have been ecstatic about receiving steamy pictures from his hot catgirl girlfriend, but that was before he knew she was going to max out his data plan.

And then there was the attached message.

_Come spank me, Daddy. I've been a bad, bad girl. UwU._

She actually wrote UwU. Jaune sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and casting a glance over at Pyrrha's clock once more.

_3:29 AM._

He was tempted to ask who on Remnant got horny at three in the morning, but if he did that, he'd be a hypocrite.

Seriously, an ass like that had to be illegal somewhere. You could bounce a quarter off that thing. It was so firm, so round, so perfectly-sized to fit in his hands… what was the problem with this arrangement, again?

His scroll lit up again, indicating another message.

_Let's do it on Weiss' bed this time._

Oh, yeah. Right.

Honestly, he couldn't be mad at Blake; the fault wasn't entirely her own. Rather, she was a victim of her own poor taste in literature, and the only reason he knew that was because pretty much as soon as they had started dating, she had dumped her entire collection of porn onto him and told him to start taking notes.

Oh, whoops – he used the 'P' word. Had to be careful about that; he didn't want a repeat of the first time he had accidentally used it.

"_It is _not_ porn, Jaune! It's called erotic literature, and it's art!"_

How she could make that assertion with a straight face when the page she was holding in her hand depicted two people doing the dirty, he had no idea.

His scroll chimed again. He debated pretending to be asleep before deciding against it; as much as the rational side of his brain was screaming at him to get some sleep lest he suffer in the morning, his trouser leviathan was making a compelling counter-argument.

And yes, that was her term for it, not his. Flattering, sure, even if it wasn't actually much bigger than average (yes, he had measured; what guy hasn't?) but the fact that she used purple prose even when complimenting his frank and beans was more than a little irritating.

_I know you're awake, Daddy, _the message read. _Come over here and treat me like the naughty girl I've been._

Honestly, one day, they were going to have to have words about this.

But not today, because she had accompanied the last message with another ass pic, and as much as the daddy talk weirded him right the hell out, he was still a man with a working boner.

And as long as his boner worked, whenever his girlfriend managed to entice him, Jaune Arc was struck with a need – a need to seed.

Even if that need meant that Blake was basically going to be taking a sledgehammer to his hips for the next hour or so.

Yeah, apparently her _erotic literature _didn't teach her much in the way of being gentle, either. That or she just got really into it and forgot that there was a person attached to the thing inside her. Not that he was complaining too much, though – death by snu snu was hardly the worst way to go.

_Forgive me, pelvis, _Jaune thought to himself as he crept out of his room and over towards Team RWBY's dorm.

–

"I just don't understand," Weiss said irritably. "That's the third night in a week I've woken up on the floor, and I have no idea what's going on! And none of you have seen anything?"

Obviously, none of them had. Well, two of them had, but neither of them were saying anything, one because she was a degenerate, and the other because Weiss had accidentally knocked his toothbrush into the toilet the other day and he was going to take his revenge however he could get it.

And if that involved spritzing everybody in the room with a container of ether his girlfriend had nabbed from the nurse's office, then crashing her pink castle on Weiss' bed, so be it.

They were going to have words about that too, of course. At some point. Maybe.

"Jaune, what do you think of this position?"

A book was shoved in front of his face, pushing his tray of breakfast away. Jaune paused, his fork midway towards his half-eaten waffle, then sighed before putting it down and taking the book.

"Very imaginative."

"I know, right?! I didn't even know humans could bend that way!"

A few weeks ago, everybody would have been disgusted. Now, they had all settled into a routine. Yang had covered Ruby's ears as soon as they all sat down, much to the younger girl's chagrin. Pyrrha was red-faced and catatonic, though she sometimes sent Blake some of the nastiest death glares Jaune had ever seen outside of Goodwitch's class, for reasons that were unknown to him. Nora was too obsessed with her breakfast to care about anything else. Ren… was Ren. At this point, the only one who still cared was Weiss.

And boy, did she care.

"Must you two read and discuss such filth in public?"

No, they mustn't. Jaune was tempted to vocalize his agreement with her, even though it risked earning his girlfriend's ire.

Then he remembered his toothbrush, and that temptation died.

Blake, meanwhile, glared at Weiss. "You just don't understand the needs of a woman."

"I _am _a woman!"

The cat Faunus' gaze drifted down to Weiss' chest. "Sometimes I wonder."

Oh yeah, this was a thing. Apparently, Weiss didn't take too kindly to public displays of affection, which had naturally caused a lot of tension between her and his insatiable pervert of a girlfriend.

Then again, when you walk in on two of your friends batter-dipping the corn dog in a hall closet between classes, you tended to have a very low tolerance level for these kinds of things.

As the two began their daily verbal spar, Jaune simply sat back and sighed. He could have jumped in and broken it up, but he was too tired to do much of anything today. That, and he was pretty sure his pelvis was now dislocated. Was that possible? Honestly, he wouldn't be surprised if he was the first one to ever have such an injury. He was tempted to go to the nurse's office, but that would require that he tell everyone where he was going, and then they would ask why he needed to see the nurse, and then he would tell them that he was pretty sure his pelvis was dislocated, and then Blake would suggest knocking it back into place the only way she knew how.

So, rather than do anything like that, Jaune instead sat back and pondered life's important questions, such as whether it was possible to nut so much that it lost all meaning. He was pretty sure he was getting close to that threshold. The thought made him frown. Maybe he should ask Blake if they could take a break from bringing the al dente noodle to her spaghetti house for a bit and instead do other romantic things? Of course, she probably wouldn't take such a suggestion well. Plus, there was always his mom's advice.

"_Remember, Jaune: the way to a woman's heart is through her uterus."  
_

Then again, Mama Arc had experienced the miracle of childbirth eight times, and he wasn't sure if he was ready for that level of commitment yet, especially because Papa Arc still walked with a limp to this day, even after getting those screws in his hip.

So instead, Jaune silently pulled his tray of breakfast back over to himself, then sat back and watched the fireworks.

Better Weiss than him, after all.

* * *

Ah, Port's class. A chance to learn about Grimm, about the heroes who fought them, and how best to defend oneself against them.

Or, if you were everybody besides Weiss, a chance to catch up on some sleep.

Jaune was no exception to this phenomenon. Honestly, Port had nobody but himself to blame; the man was so boring that it was impossible to pay attention, and he was so caught up in telling his stories that he missed students napping literally five feet in front of him.

Times like these, Jaune often wondered about the quality of Beacon's staff. One of the professors was a glory hound who preferred telling stories rather than lecturing, one was a caffeine addict who spoke like an auctioneer and was impossible to understand, one was never around, and one was a sadist who enjoyed making people suffer.

Okay, that last one was a little harsh, but Goodbitch deserved it for those comments about him being gobbled up by a Beowolf.

_Heh, Goodbitch. _Honestly, he impressed himself sometimes. No way anyone else had ever thought of that one before. Definitely not low-hanging fruit.

Casting a glance around at his team, Jaune's gaze settled on Pyrrha, and his expression softened. She was such a good friend, and had been so supportive of him and Blake when they had first started dating. She had even gone so far as to give Blake a present in the form of some fancy pine-scented body wash. Unfortunately, it had to be explained to her that cats hated the scent of pine. And then it had to be explained to her that cats also hated the scent of citrus. And then it had to be explained to her that cats also hated the scent of banana. And then it had to be explained to her that while not all cats disliked dogs, Blake did, and her prank of locking Zwei and Blake together in a closet and then bending the lock out of shape with her semblance, while funny, was going a bit too far.

Honestly, Pyrrha could be so silly sometimes, like that time where she raided all the ice cream shops in Vale, even getting into a fistfight with a multicolored mute midget over the last tub of neapolitan ice cream in the city. Nobody was quite sure why she had done that, only that it had happened about ten seconds after Jaune announced him and Blake were dating.

Frankly, Jaune had just figured it was that time of the month, and had decided that it would be better off to just let it go.

The blonde yawned widely, then closed his eyes. Time for a nap.

His scroll vibrated in his pocket, causing his eyes to immediately shoot open.

_Here we go again._

He considered not opening it… _considered _because the instant the thought crossed his mind, Blake turned around and glared at him, as if daring him to ignore it. Now, Jaune may have been the first person in the world to admit that he sometimes acted like a dumbass, but he wasn't stupid, and he also didn't fancy sleeping with Zwei. With a sigh of resignation, he fished his scroll out of his pocket and opened it.

And then immediately shut it and slammed it down on his desk when the picture loaded, his face turning bright red.

Blake, meanwhile, turned back around, acting as if nothing had happened. But there was no hiding what she had just done.

_How could you, Blake? What would your father think?_

Jaune regretted that thought the instant it crossed his mind, because it reminded him of the previous night.

"_Clean my litter box, Daddy!"_

Well, at least he now had a way to instantly kill any awkward boner he ever got, such as the one he had just a few seconds ago. It was honestly a miracle, that phrase; the last time he had encountered boner repellent that strong was when he accidentally walked in on Cardin taking a shower in the men's locker room.

Honestly, he had to feel bad for Cardin; it was like a headache pill seated atop two miniature cotton balls. No wonder the boy felt the need to bully people. If Jaune ever woke up and found that between his legs, he would probably just run towards the nearest living thing and kill it. In that regard, Cardin should have been praised for his restraint.

Someone cleared their throat in front of him, and Jaune shook himself out of his stupor to find Professor Port staring at him, arms crossed.

"Nice of you to join us, Mister Arc," Port said accusingly. "Is there anything you'd like to share with the class?"

_Okay Jaune, think. You've been caught red-handed receiving images of your girlfriend with her weapon's hilt in her cooch in the middle of class. If you don't think of something now, you're going to be in deep trouble, both from the professor and from your girlfriend._

_Act. Natural._

"Uh, no, sir," Jaune replied. "Nope, nothing at all."

Port raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, sir. Very sure. Never been more sure of anything in my life, no sir."

"Really? Because I can see your scroll sitting on your desk-"

"Uh, hey, why don't you tell that story about the time you killed the Alpha Beowolf on Patch? That was a good one."

"Indeed, it was," Port said, stroking his mustache. "Unfortunately, we are not talking about Beowolves today, which you would know if you were paying attention. Suddenly, I'm inclined to believe that you're trying to distract me."

_Crap __baskets__. _"What makes you say that, sir?"

Port chuckled. "My boy, I would have to be pretty oblivious to not notice someone trying to trick me in my own class."

Jaune looked around class, raising an eyebrow when he saw that most of them were still asleep. He nodded. "Yes, sir. Pretty oblivious indeed."

"Quite. Now, if you could just hand over your scroll so I could see what was so important that you had to ignore my lesson for it, that would be great."

_Uh oh__. _"Uh, sure. Right away. Just, uh, come and get it; I think my leg's asleep."

Port raised an eyebrow, but otherwise didn't react. Instead, he began the march towards Jaune's desk. Frantically, Jaune looked around for something, _anything _he could use. After a moment, his gaze settled on the one thing he knew could help him in this situation. Unfortunately, it would cost him his scroll, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

He turned towards the still-sleeping Pyrrha, and after muttering a soft apology, stomped on her left foot as hard as he could. The redhead let out a loud yell as she sat bolt upright, in the process letting loose with her semblance for a moment. Jaune wasted no time in swiping his scroll over the black aura surrounding her body, praying to whatever gods existed that this worked.

He managed to place his scroll on his desk just as Port reached him. The rotund professor picked up the scroll and attempted to turn it on, only for nothing to happen. Perplexed, he mashed on the power button a few times before finally shrugging.

"Your scroll appears to be broken, my boy," he announced.

Jaune breathed a sigh of relief. "That's too bad. Guess I'll just have to get another one."

"So it would seem. Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes; the story about the Sea Feilong..."

Jaune exhaled through his nose, then sank down into his seat as far as he could go. A new scroll was going to cost him a pretty penny, but it was worth it. He looked over to Blake, who was acting as though nothing was wrong, and frowned.

_I think it's about time we have words._

* * *

With a burst of strength, Blake shoved him against the wall of the closet, smashing her lips against his. Jaune tried in vain to escape, but it was no use; Blake was much stronger than she looked, and she had more leverage than he did.

Also, the brain in his head was fighting a losing battle against the brain in his pants, but that was neither here nor there.

"Blake..." he managed to gasp out between kisses.

Blake gave him one last kiss before pulling away, a thin trail of saliva hanging between their mouths. "Yes, my love?"

"Can we talk?"

"We _were_ talking."

"...I meant besides moaning out my name and telling me how horny and wet you are."

That request was actually multifaceted; he wanted it both because he had important things to discuss, and because Blake Belladonna, hot as she was, was somehow terrible at talking dirty despite all the po- _erotic literature _she read.

He wasn't sure how someone who consumed that much filth could be so bad at talking dirty, but dammit if Blake wasn't absolutely terrible at it.

"_I need it _real _bad, Jaune! I'm overflowing down there! The dam has sprung a leak!"  
_

Gross.

"Oh." She looked disappointed. "Sure. I guess."

"Thank you." He wiped the trail of saliva from his mouth. Honestly, that was much more disgusting than the Mistralian cartoons she forced him to watch made it out to be.

Oh, whoops – he used the 'C' word. Had to be careful about that; he didn't want a repeat of the first time he had accidentally used it.

"_It is _not _a cartoon, Jaune! It's called hentai and it's art!"  
_

"So, what did you want to talk about?" Blake asked.

She sounded almost innocent, as if she had no idea what the problem was.

_Bitch, you know what you did, _Jaune thought.

"Oh, you know. Stuff," Jaune said.

"What kind of stuff? Have I been a bad girl?" Her face lit up, growing downright lecherous. "Is Daddy going to punish me?!"

"Okay, you know what? That. That's what we're going to be talking about first."

"What?"

"The daddy talk."

"You don't like it?" Blake asked, sounding disappointed.

"Well, it's-" He paused. For a moment, he considered putting it lightly; Blake clearly enjoyed it, and he didn't want to hurt her feelings.

"_Unclog my plumbing, Daddy! I need your cummies in my tummy!"  
_

Actually, screw that. "No, I _don't _like it," he declared.

Blake pouted. "Why not?"

"Because it's weird, okay? It weirds me out. You're turning our sex lives into some strange incest fetish thing, and I don't like it. Especially because, from the sound of things, your dad is actually a pretty stand-up guy who always supported you."

"Oh..." She looked away, clearly ashamed. "...Sorry."

"Hey," Jaune said, pulling her into a hug. "I'm sure there are other things you can try that won't weird me out."

"...How do you feel about bondage?"

_Uh oh. _"...Who's getting tied up?"

Her only response was to smirk. Jaune sighed. _Still better than the daddy talk, I guess._

"Alright, fine," he relented. "But if we're doing that, you're going to have to learn how to talk dirty."

"But I already talk dirty."

_You're horrible at it, _he thought.

"You could be better at it," he said.

Blake pouted, then shrugged. "...Okay, fine."

"Also, can you please stop sending me nudes all the time? I mean, I like receiving them – you're like the hottest girl in school, plus you're my girlfriend and I love you – but you're sending them every hour of the day, and that's a bit too much, especially when we're in class or with our friends."

"...Fine. I'll only do it every now and then, and only when I know you're alone."

Jaune paused, surprised. Wow, who knew that addressing problems in a relationship was as easy as talking to your partner about them? And here he was, thinking that this sort of thing could only be accomplished after several chapters of melodrama and angst.

_Eat your heart out, crappy erotica. _

Blake suddenly smirked, then threw her arms around him to pull him close and whisper in his ear. "I just realized, I've been doing those things for a while. You've probably been putting up with them for a long time, yet you didn't say anything because you wanted me to enjoy myself."

Actually, it was because he had an unhealthy idea of how to address grievances with his significant other and figured that the only way to do so was to wait until things hit a boiling point and they both blew up at each other, then had passionate room-destroying sex once they finished screaming out their problems together. Still, if that was what she wanted to believe, then she was free to.

He nodded. "Yup, that's why."

She grinned. It was a sultry grin, of someone who was about to do something dirty. Jaune swallowed apprehensively. "I just realized: in all the time we've been dating, I've never given you oral."

That… was true, actually. Why was that, again? He felt like there was a reason for it, but he couldn't remember what it was. Still, if it wasn't important enough for her to remember it, then it was probably okay.

Also, the brain between his legs was currently threatening to burst out of his jeans, so he couldn't exactly be bothered to think too hard at the moment.

"How unfortunate for you; my erotic literature makes it sound like it's quite nice," Blake continued. "Well, let me make up for lost time, and for all that I've put you through~"

She kissed him, then sank down to waist level and yanked his pants down to his ankles. Blake licked her lips, then opened her mouth and leaned in.

It was at that moment that Jaune remembered what they had both forgotten: cat tongues aren't built like human tongues. In fact, they actually have a very rough consistency similar to sandpaper. His eyes widening, Jaune opened his mouth to warn Blake off, to remind her of why they hadn't ever tried oral sex before, to try and tell her to stop before it was too late.

But then, before he could say anything, he felt her take him into her mouth. For a moment, everything was fine. But only for a moment.

Half a second later, Jaune's scream broke every window in Beacon.

* * *

**I should probably warn all of you that I'm not planning on doing a ton of super-raunchy chapters like this one – Blake is just a natural fit for this sort of thing, so I took that and went with it. She will probably not be the last person I do something like this for, but I'd rather mix things up a bit and tailor the comedy to the character rather than just have constant R-rated humor all the time, since I feel like that could get a bit stale. The next chapter, for example, will not be raunchy at all, both because it wouldn't fit the character unless I made her really OOC, and because variety is the spice of life and I want to try something different.**

**Next update: Saturday, December 14.**

**Oh, and before I go: If you're looking for a fanfic that's the exact opposite of this one – namely, a fic that's actually serious, has gone through a substantial amount of planning and revision rather than being primarily stream-of-consciousness, and is about Ruby rather than Jaune – you should check out my other fic, _The Seventh Circle. _It's about Ruby being taken from her family, being trained to be a killer, and then trying to get over the guilt and trauma that comes with it. **

**Besides that, I've got nothing else.**


	2. When the Cinnamon Roll Is Too Sweet

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 2: Ruby, or: When the Cinnamon Roll Is _Too_ Sweet

* * *

Jaune stood in front of the mirror, looking himself over. Hoodie? Check. Dad's old jeans? Check. Two belts, for extra style? Double check. Armor set he had picked up from an old pawn shop on his way into Vale? Check. Funny-smelling cologne his mom had given him when she finally figured out that he was actually into the opposite sex? You'd better believe that's a check. Suave factor: off the charts. He was going to have to be careful, lest he end up with too many women hanging off his arm.

Unfortunately for those hypothetical harlots, Jaune Arc had eyes for only one fair maiden in all of Beacon.

He took a moment to pose dramatically before pushing his way out of the bathroom. Everyone's eyes turned to him, and he couldn't help but sport a cocky smirk. Sure, it might have made him come off as a bit of a jerk, but as far as he was concerned, he had a right to – he had a date tonight.

Oh, that reminded him: week-old condom in his wallet that he had grabbed from the bowl the professors had left in the common area, just in case? That's a check, and another check just for being so safe. Not that he intended to use it, of course; he was a classy guy. It was just a precaution, nothing more.

...But if she was the one pushing for it, then…

Shaking that thought from his head, he turned towards his team. "How do I look?"  
"Like you always do," Ren said.

Jaune frowned. "You didn't notice my haircut?"

Ren squinted, then shrugged. "Not at first glance, but now that you mention it..."

"You look amazing, Jaune!" Nora interjected. "Like a… well, not quite a million lien; maybe more like a thousand lien. But still, that's a lot of lien!"

"Thanks, guys," Jaune said. They always knew what to say to him. Turning to his partner, he asked, "What do you think, Pyr?"

Pyrrha blinked, surprised at being singled out. Then, slowly, a wide smile crept its way across her face.

"You look great, Jaune!" she said through gritted teeth. For some reason, her whole body was shaking Slowly, she gave him two thumbs up. "Have a good time on your date tonight!"

"I will, thanks." With that, he turned and pushed his way through the door, heading towards his girlfriend's dorm.

Huh, that was funny. For just a second, he thought he heard someone sobbing as he left his dorm room. Ah well, it was probably nothing. Brushing a stray strand of hair into place, Jaune approached his date's door, then rapped on it twice.

The person who opened the door was not Ruby. In fact, it wasn't a person so much as a fist headed for his face at the speed of light. Jaune narrowly ducked out of the way, then stared at the door, perplexed.

Hate-filled lilac eyes stared back. Yang stood there, her fist outstretched.

"Oh, whoops," she said nonchalantly. "Sorry; I tripped while opening the door. Didn't mean to _almost _hit you."

"Ah, that's okay," Jaune said, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. At least it was just an accident. "Is Ruby there?"

Yang's gaze narrowed. She opened her mouth to say something only for a red blur to come crashing into her and knock her over to the side and out of view.

"Jaune!" Ruby said, rocketing towards him and wrapping her arms around him. "Oh, I'm so glad to see you!"

She broke the hug, then met his gaze with a wide smile. She clasped her hands behind her back, then began to slowly rock back and forth on her heels. "So, what was the plan for tonight?"

_Gods above, she's cute, _Jaune thought. A bolt of pain lanced through his chest, causing him to wince and clutch at his heart. Ruby was upon him in an instant, but he waved her off.

"It's fine, Rubes; probably just heartburn," he said. His girlfriend gave him a concerned look, but he simply shook himself off before giving her a wide smile. "Anyway, I figured we'd start with the arcade, then maybe get some pizza, and finish the night with some ice cream. That sound good?"

Her smile grew wider and she nodded frantically. "Yes! Let's go!"

She took one step out before her eyes widened and she let out a gasp. Quickly, she darted back into the room, then began rooting through the bookshelf.

Yang sauntered back into view, clutching at her head with a wince. When she saw Jaune, she glared at him, her eyes flashing red.

"Hey, Vomit Boy," she said, her tone accusatory. "Try any funny business and I'll-"

"Zwei!" Ruby called.

"Zwei?" Yang asked.

A black-and-white mass suddenly collided into Yang with a loud bark, sending both of them tumbling end-over-end into the desk where Weiss was studying. The heiress let out an irritated shout, though Yang was too busy being unconscious to hear it. Zwei, meanwhile, picked himself up, shook himself off like nothing had happened, then walked over to where Ruby was rooting through the bookshelf and sat down expectantly.

"Good boy," Ruby said before reaching into her pocket and retrieving what looked suspiciously like a peanut butter cookie, all without looking away from the bookshelf. "Your payment, as agreed upon."

The corgi barked happily, then began chowing down on his cookie with gusto and in the way that only a dog eating peanut butter can – namely, for a very long time, with lots of tongue movement and lip smacking for like the next hour. Blake watched the whole thing from her bed with a disgusted look on her face.

Jaune, meanwhile, stood there perplexed. He liked Ruby – _really _liked Ruby – but she could be pretty weird at times. So could Yang. Maybe it ran in the family or something.

"Found it!" the redhead announced happily before zipping back over to Jaune in a cloud of petals, then happily presenting him with what she had been looking for.

"A book?" Jaune asked.

"Not just any book! This is a copy of Ozymandias' collection of fairy tales! Pocket-sized, so it's easy to carry around!"

"I see." He paused. "And you're giving this to me because-"

"Duh, because you're my prince charming!" She grinned a wide, toothy grin.

Jaune felt his heart flutter… right before that damn heartburn came back with a vengeance, causing him to double over in pain. Suddenly, trying to prove his masculinity by dumping sriracha sauce all over his spicy curry at lunch didn't seem like such a good idea.

...To be fair, it hadn't been a good idea at the time either, but at least now he wasn't crying.

Again, Ruby was upon him, and again, he waved her off.

"You know, if you're not feeling well-" she began.

"No way, Rubes," he said firmly. "This is a special night, for both of us. I'm not going to let a little heartburn ruin it."

"Well… okay. But if you feel sick, then we're coming back right away, mister!"

Jaune laughed, then tussled her hair. She squirmed, batting at his hands as she let out the most adorable little whine, and he winced as he felt some of the leftover stomach acid rise up again. Seriously, what was going on? Maybe he should stop for some antacid tablets at a drugstore once they got to Vale.

"Alright, let's go," Jaune said. He tucked the book into his pocket and offered his arm, and Ruby graciously accepted, hooking her own around his with a wide grin. The two set off towards the airship, their spirits high.

This was going to be awesome.

* * *

This was not awesome.

"So, you're the guy, huh?"

The stench of liquor, stale body odor, bad decisions, and a lifetime of regrets filled his nostrils as the strange man leaned forward, inspecting him with hate-filled eyes. Jaune resisted the urge to gag, instead pressing himself against the wall of the alley he had been dragged into.

The scary-looking man glared at Jaune before pulling away, though he kept the blonde pinned to the wall with his scythe all the same. After a second, he let out a hateful snort.

"Seriously, you? I don't get it. You're a noodle; Ruby herself has more muscle than you. You look like a heavy wind would send you flopping to the ground."

"How do you kn-" The man suddenly pressed the blade of his scythe up against Jaune's throat, cutting off his airflow.

His gaze narrowed dangerously. "I talk, you listen. Got it?"

Jaune frantically nodded. The man seemed satisfied and pulled his scythe far enough away that Jaune could breathe again.

"Right, so I've got one question: what does she see in you?"

Jaune blinked, but stayed silent. The man sighed.

"Obviously, you can talk now."

"Oh. I just figured that, since you said-"

"Answer the damn question!"

"AlrightPleaseDon'tHurtMe!" Jaune said frantically. "Uh, I think she said I'm her prince charming?"

"And why would she say that?"

"I think-"

"Do you?"

"Yes." The man's eyes narrowed. "Sometimes." They narrowed even further. "...Rarely."

He grunted in understanding, then motioned for Jaune to continue. "Uh, I think she said she liked my personality?"

"Your personality? Kid, you're a socially awkward mess, even worse than Rubes herself – and before you ask how I know, I've been tailing you since the drugstore."

Jaune nodded in understanding. Okay, so he had been so nervous about having to stop by a drugstore with his date that he had accidentally asked where the pregnancy tests were kept instead of the antacid tablets, but come on, he was sure plenty of guys did that. It wasn't that bad.

"Also, when Rubes told you that she had to stop by the ladies' room, you asked her why."

What was wrong with that? He just wanted to know if she would be taking a while, so he wouldn't get worried.

"And then you asked her if she needed you for anything while she was in there."

Okay, that one was a bit less forgivable, but it was just a slip of the tongue! It wasn't that bad!

"...Okay, so I'm a bit awkward," Jaune admitted. "But I have good aspects too."

"Name one."

"I'm brave."

"You almost peed yourself when I pulled you into this alley."

Actually, a little pee really did come out. Like, three or four drops. Maybe five. Definitely no more than seven. But come on, he had thought he was about to be mugged and killed! That was a perfectly acceptable reaction!

"...Okay, so I'm not brave," he admitted. "But I'm-"

"Nope."

"Nope?"

"Nope. Whatever you're about to say, you're the opposite."

"...Starting to get the feeling that you don't like me very much."

"Gee, what gave it away? Besides the big-ass scythe ready to cut your head off."

"Jaune!" Ruby called from outside the alley. "Are you in there?"

The drunk man's eyes widened slightly, though he was quick to replace it with a glare as he turned to Jaune. "Try anything funny and I'll hunt you down, cut all your limbs off, and leave you in the Emerald Forest for the Grimm to enjoy." He paused. "After I send your scroll history to your parents. Understand?"

"Y-yes, sir!" Jaune stammered fearfully. The last time he had been so afraid was when he ran into the Death Stalker during initiation. Threatening to cut his limbs off and let the Grimm eat him or whatever was one thing, but sending his browser history to his parents first? That was a whole new level of terrifying.

"Good. Now, this conversation never happened, and you never saw me."

"What conversation, and with who?"

"Hm. Maybe you actually are smarter than you look."

With that, the man collapsed his scythe and placed it on his belt, then turned and began to saunter away, turning the corner and disappearing out of sight. Jaune breathed a sigh of relief as he watched him go, slumping down slightly as he did.

"Jaune!" Ruby called once again.

"Over here, Rubes!" Jaune called.

Ruby immediately sped over to him using her semblance. "Oh, there you are! What are you doing here? It's all gross and filled with garbage." She sniffed the air. "Why does it smell like some old, homeless, and drunk vagabond was just here?"

"No idea. I was just out, uh… dumpster diving."

"Dumpster diving?"

"Yeah. You never know what you might find."

"O...kay..." Ruby said. "...What did you find?"

"...Stuff."

"Like…?"

Great, his cover-up had just spiraled out of control. Why did this always happen whenever he tried to lie? It was like that time when he accidentally caught Weiss walking out of the bathroom clad in only a towel all over again, though thankfully this time there weren't any windows for him to be thrown out of.

_Think, Jaune. What would someone find in an alley like this, besides empty forties, dirty needles, and used condoms? _

"...Food," he finally said.

"Food?"

"Food," he repeated, much more confidently. "You know, sometimes grocery stores will throw out stuff that doesn't sell, even though it's still perfectly edible."

To prove his point, he sauntered over to a nearby dumpster and, after a moment's hesitation, plunged his hand inside of it. He fished around for a moment before he felt his hand close around something that felt vaguely like food, and that he really hoped wasn't something like a dirty diaper. He counted to three in his head before pulling his hand free, sighing in relief when he found a half-eaten hot dog instead.

Ruby looked disgusted. "Okay, point proven. You weren't actually going to eat that, were you?"

"What, this? Pssh, of course not." He shrugged.

She breathed a sigh of relief, though it was quickly replaced with confusion. "...But wait, if you weren't going to eat it, then why were you in this alley looking for food?"

"...I was going to save it for later."

"But we're getting pizza and ice cream later. Unless… you don't want to go on a date with me..."

Her lower lip began to tremble and she wrapped her arms around herself for comfort. Jaune took one look at her, then at the half-eaten hot dog in his hand, wincing when he saw the latter covered in some kind of miscellaneous dumpster fluid.

"...Actually, I think I'll eat it now," he announced. "I'm pretty hungry, and I want to make sure I don't eat all the pizza and ice cream later. You know, because that's for us to share. On our date. Which we're definitely still on, and which I am definitely not canceling, because I like you. A lot."

He cast a glance back at the hot dog, then sighed.

_The things I do for love._

Then, slowly, he opened his mouth, bringing the dumpster food closer and closer. Ruby watched in a mixture of shocked awe and morbid disgust as it inched closer to its destination.

Then, after several seconds, Jaune took a big bite.

* * *

"Are you feeling better now?" Ruby asked, concerned.

Jaune wiped the last of the vomit from his mouth before standing up straight and flashing her a smile and a thumbs-up. "Never better!"

He felt horrible. The one saving grace was that the airship ride had forced him to empty out the contents of his stomach before arriving in Vale, so there actually wasn't much for him to throw up this time. Still, that hot dog was easily the second-worst thing he had ever eaten, with the first being one of Ren's 'healthy' concoctions that the Mistralian boy had dubbed the 'Natural Herbal Surprise'.

The 'surprise', it turned out, was that it tasted like Jaune's old cat. That had certainly been a conversation and a half.

"_It tastes like my cat, Ren."_

"_It tastes like everyone's cat, Jaune."_

How that was supposed to be a positive, Jaune had no idea.

Shaking that thought from his head, Jaune turned back to his date and tried his best to put on a confident look for her. It was hard to do when it felt like there was a swarm of rapier wasps in his stomach, but he tried his best.

"Anyway, let's not worry about me," he announced. "Instead, why don't we head on over to the arcade and play some games?"

Ruby looked hesitant, but he put a hand on her shoulder and smiled at her. "C'mon, I'll win you a prize and everything."

She gasped, seemingly happy at the idea of her first date ending up like a standard storybook romance. Nodding frantically, took Jaune's hand, much to his confusion.

Seconds later, he realized what she was planning to do.

"Ruby, wait-"

But it was too late. She sped off using her semblance, leaving a trail of rose petals and vomit behind.

* * *

Aside from once again having to throw up for several minutes, the arcade was just like Jaune had expected: loud, filled with kids and teenagers, and riddled with video games. It was essentially the perfect spot for two awkward teenagers to have their first date: with all the kids around making a ruckus, nobody would give them a second glance when they got too into a game. With all the teenagers around, they wouldn't look out of place. Finally, with all the video games, they both had something to do together.

"What do you want to play first?" Ruby asked, positively jittering with excitement from her spot at his arm.

"I don't know, Ruby. What do you want to-"

She suddenly let out a loud, drawn-out gasp, her eyes lighting up. Jaune followed her gaze and found what she was so transfixed on: an arcade cabinet with the image of a zombie on it, and the words 'Mansion of the Undead 2' emblazoned overhead.

Ruby turned towards him, fire blazing in her eyes. "We're playing that!"

Jaune smirked. "You sure you can handle a horror game, Rubes?"

She let out a little whine. "Jaaaaaune! You promised you wouldn't bring that up!"

Jaune winced as he once again felt a pain surge through his chest, but he simply pushed the feeling away and popped a few antacid tablets. Turning back to her, he smirked once again.

"I'm just saying, the last time we tried watching a horror movie together, you didn't do so well."

"Because you picked a really scary one, you… you bully!" She turned away with a huff and crossed her arms. Again, Jaune found himself forced to take some antacid tablets. "This game isn't scary at all!"

"You've played it before?"

"I've played Mansion of the Undead 1. I can handle it, Jaune! Please?"

Jaune chuckled. "I'm just messing with you, Rubes. Of course we can."

She let out a small cheer, then darted over to the machine and beckoned him over. As he approached, Jaune felt his heart sink into his chest.

It was a light gun game. As in, a game with lots of shooting in it. And if there was one thing Jaune was bad at, it was shooting. He still remembered the time Pyrrha had let him try out her rifle. It had ended with him somehow accidentally shooting her in the head (luckily her aura was up), and also with a hot shell casing bouncing down into her bra.

Unfortunately, the 'hot casing dance', as it was apparently called, was nowhere near as funny or entertaining as it sounded when you were on a firing range surrounded by loaded guns.

Oh, and he had shot her in the head, which was also really bad.

Needless to say, they had both earned a temporary ban from Beacon's gun range that day.

Swallowing nervously, Jaune stepped up beside his girlfriend, picking up the orange plastic handgun in front of him as he did so. "Okay, so how does this work?"

"Easy: you aim at the monsters and shoot. If you need to reload, you aim off screen and pull the trigger. If you get hit by a monster or accidentally shoot a civilian, you lose health. Lose all your health and it's game over. Got it?"

"I think so."

"Alright!" Ruby fished out a few tokens from her pocket and stuffed them into the machine, then took up a low ready stance with her handgun pointed down and her finger off the trigger.

Jaune tried to copy her stance, but somehow he knew he wasn't doing it right.

"These zombies won't know what hit 'em," Ruby announced, a savage smirk crossing her face.

* * *

"_Game over!"_

Ruby stared at the screen, slack-jawed. After a moment, she cleared her throat. "Uh, Jaune?"

"Yeah, Rubes?"

"What was that?! We barely got past the first few screens! It's been-" she checked her scroll. "-Barely three minutes! What happened?!"

Jaune chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his head. "I… kinda shot a few civilians."

"A few?! You shot them all!"

"They looked just like the zombies, okay?"

"Jaaaaaune!" Ruby whined.

Man, that spicy curry at lunch must have hit him a lot harder than her thought. Still, at least it was just heartburn; it could have been so much worse, like at Saphron's sixteenth birthday party, where she specifically requested spicy Vacuan food for all her guests.

The thought was enough to make him shudder. That toilet was never the same again.

"I'm sorry, Rubes." She pouted, which only made her look cuter. "Look, I'll make it up to you. How about I win you a prize?"

Instantly, she brightened up. "Yes! Yes, yes, yes!"

Jaune laughed, ruffling her hair. She squirmed and groaned, but otherwise didn't react. Looking around, the blonde found the perfect machine with which to achieve his goal: the classic skee-ball machine.

He inserted his tokens, then picked up one of the balls with a cocky grin.

Time to show this arcade what he was made of.

* * *

"Your prize, sir: one candy ring."

"Yeah, yeah..." Jaune muttered.

Okay, so apparently he wasn't as good at skee-ball as he thought he was. Still, at least he had won _something, _so his pride wasn't completely broken, even if it was a bit cracked in places.

Unwrapping the candy, Jaune took hold of his date's hand, then got down on one knee. Their eyes met, and he slowly slid the ring onto her finger. Ruby giggled as he did so, which made him grin.

"Jaune, you're such a dork," she teased.

"Yeah, but I'm _your _dork."

That earned another giggle. "You sure are, Prince Charming." She brought the ring up to her mouth and licked it. "So, pizza?"

He actually perked up a little. "Pizza sounds great."

That was just what he needed: some greasy, unhealthy food. His date hadn't gone perfectly like he had wanted, and this would be just the thing to raise his spirits.

Also, there was still a bit of vomit in his mouth, and he really needed something to wipe away the taste.

* * *

They had only been in the pizza shop for a few minutes and already Jaune felt better. The smell of melted cheese and red sauce was enough to perk up any teenager, and it was doing wonders for both him and his date.

The two of them settled into a booth, menus in their hands. They had both agreed to split a pizza on the way there; it was cheaper, and according to Ruby, it was tradition that couples split one up rather than order two separate ones, and he wasn't about to argue.

"You go ahead and order, Rubes," Jaune said, placing his menu down.

Ruby gave him a tentative glance. "You sure?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

She fidgeted uncomfortably. "Well… Yang says I have weird tastes in pizza. You might not like what I get."

"What, do you like anchovies or something?"

"Ew! Jaune, I'm not Blake! Don't even joke about that!"

"Alright, alright." He held his hands up in surrender. "Look, just order whatever you want. I'm sure I'll like it. It's pretty hard to ruin pizza, after all."

"Well… if you're sure."

After another minute, their waiter stopped by the table. "What can I get you two?"

"One large pineapple-and-ham pizza, with extra pineapple!" Ruby all but shouted.

Instantly, Jaune felt his expression fall. Somehow, Ruby had managed to do the impossible: all but ruin a perfectly good pizza. Honestly, he should have figured this would happen – she had the biggest sweet tooth in Beacon, so if the option to eat something sweet presented itself, she was going to take it. Never mind that it completely clashed with the rest of the pizza – if Ruby wanted some sweetness, that was what she was going to get.

And he was going to have play along, lest he both look like an idiot and accidentally offend his girlfriend by insinuating that her taste in pizza was awful.

Which it was, but he wasn't about to tell her that.

_Why, Ruby? What did pizza ever do to you?_

"Jaune, are you okay?"

"I'm more than okay!" Jaune announced. "I'm just… _so _excited to eat some pizza!"

Ruby giggled. "Yeah, I figured; you kind of threw up everything else you ate during the day already."

She didn't have to remind him; that extra-spicy curry did _not _taste any better the second time. Easily the third-worst thing he had ever eaten… though something told him that it was about to have a strong rival in the next few minutes.

The two exchanged a bit more idle small talk over the next couple of minutes, mainly about their families and their lives at Beacon. Apparently, that drunk guy that had accosted Jaune earlier was her uncle (though not by blood; honestly, her family situation was kind of weird)… which made sense, since Jaune had honestly thought it had just been some drunk homeless man who happened to know Ruby. At least now he knew what to expect during family gatherings.

Oh, and apparently her dad could also be really overprotective, so that was fantastic. Honestly, how come all the sweetest girls had the most ridiculous families? Was it really too much to ask for a drama-free relationship? It was like they _wanted _Ruby to stay single forever.

Finally, their pizza arrived. Both of them stared at it as it sat cooling on the table – her with ravenous hunger in her eyes, and him with apprehension and regret in his.

They had absolutely gone all-out on the pineapple, just like Ruby had asked for. There wasn't a single square inch of the pizza that didn't have a big chunk of the strong-tasting fruit on it. Sure, there was also some ham, but apparently they had decided that if they were going to put on extra pineapple, they had better leave most of the ham off.

"Well, time to dig in!" Ruby announced with glee, cutting herself a big slice and tearing into it with gusto. A wide grin crossed her face and she hummed in satisfaction. "Delicious!"

Jaune gulped nervously. He went to cut himself off a more modest piece, only to catch Ruby staring at him in confusion.

"Yes, Ruby?"

"Didn't you say you were really hungry earlier?" she questioned.

"...Yes?"

"Then why are you cutting yourself such a small piece? C'mon, eat up! You must be starving; I mean, you said you were hungry before you threw up a few more times! That must mean you're really extra hungry!"

Jaune fought back a wince. Yeah, she had him dead to rights on that one. Reluctantly, he cut himself off a big piece. He was about to reach for the parmesan cheese and red pepper flakes before he caught himself; those would probably only make the concoction in front of him taste even worse.

Well, it looked like he was going to have to go in raw, so to speak.

_Forgive me, taste buds. _

* * *

The two of them pushed their way out of the pizza joint a short while later, both of their stomachs full… though only one of them was satisfied.

_If I have to eat pineapple again at any point in the next month, I'm going to blow my lid._

Ruby hummed to herself as she walked alongside him, a wide grin on her face. At least she was happy.

_You're lucky you're so cute and have such a great personality, Ruby. Otherwise, I don't know if I would be able to subject myself to that kind of punishment again._

One slice of pizza was bad. Two slices was worse. Three slices was torture. And yet, he had forced himself to eat half of the pizza, both because he really didn't want to risk upsetting his date, and because he still needed to act like he was starving.

_Why do I even bother to lie at this point? I can't get away with anything._

"Sooo…" Ruby began, "I know we both just had a bunch of pizza, but are you still down for ice cream?"

Oh, he was – the pizza may have gotten the taste of vomit out of his mouth, but now he needed something else to get the taste of pineapple out as well.

"Sure, Rubes. I mean, I did promise, after all."

She nodded excitedly, taking hold of his hand once more. She was about to take off running when she caught himself, turning to him with a sheepish grin.

"Heh, sorry – almost forgot."

"Ah, don't worry about it," Jaune replied. "We'll just walk. That way we can work off the-"

"Ruby?" Someone called from across the street.

Jaune paused in surprise. He looked over at his date to see that she had buried her head in her hands.

"Oh, no..." she whispered.

"Ruby!" the person shouted again. They began to to cross the street heading towards them; Jaune was able to make out a tall blonde man wearing a vest and cargo shorts.

As he approached, Ruby raised her head, giving a sheepish and awkward grin. "H-hey, Dad!"

Jaune's face fell. _Dad…?_

The man paused in front of them, beaming widely. "Hey, kiddo!" He reached out and ruffled her hair. Unlike earlier with Jaune, she didn't react. Apparently, her dad thought this was strange, as he gave her a weird look; it was quick to disappear when he looked over at Jaune. "Who's this? Friend of yours?"

"Y-yeah! Just a fri-"

"Actually, I'm her date tonight," Jaune announced proudly.

Okay, that sounded a lot better in his head. He had figured that since lying had done nothing but make things worse, he might as well tell the truth for once. It was supposed to make him sound confident, as if he was saying, 'Yeah, I'm taking your daughter out for a night on the town, and there's nothing you can do about it, so you might as well leave us alone, old man!' At least, that was the plan.

In practice, it sounded more like Jaune had just signed his own death warrant.

Ruby's dad blinked. "Oh." He gazed at Jaune for a second, then looked back to Ruby. "So, where were you two headed?"

Ruby sighed. It was the sigh of someone who had given up on everything and just wanted the world to die already. "We were going to get ice cream, Dad. We went to the arcade, then got pizza, and now we want to eat some ice cream and head back to Beacon."

"Okay, cool. Let's go."

She looked at him incredulously. "'Let's go?'"

"Yeah. I'll go with you."

"Dad, please-"

He held up a hand. "Look, I'll buy. I just want to talk to your date for a bit. Figured you might want to come along in case you're worried I might try and kill him."

"Daaaad!" Ruby whined. "Jaune's not like that guy Yang dated back in Signal! He's different!"

"He'd better be; I'd hate for another person to fall down our stairs and accidentally cripple themselves for life."

Jaune felt himself choke. Suddenly, it seemed like a very, _very _good idea to leave.

...But at the same time, he knew Ruby would be crestfallen if he just cut their date short because he was scared. Plus, for all her faults, he actually really did like her a lot.

Besides, if everything else that had happened tonight was any indication, this was probably only ever going to end with him going to the hospital anyway. At least this way, he could say he did it in the name of a girl he really liked instead of because he did something extraordinarily stupid.

"Lead the way, sir," Jaune said.

Ruby stared at him, wide-eyed. "Jaune, I don't know about-"

He waved her off gently. "Oh, I'm sure it's fine, Rubes. Your dad seems like a stand-up guy; I mean, if he raised two amazing daughters, he has to be."

"Flattery will get you nowhere, young man," her dad warned. "And by the way, call me Taiyang, or Tai for short – it's easier than calling me 'Ruby's dad', and 'Mister Xiao Long' makes me feel old."

Ruby grumbled something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like 'You _are _old,' and Jaune had to stop himself from snorting, and also from wincing at the sudden burning in his chest.

Seriously, what was up with that? Maybe he should go see a doctor…

* * *

"Okay, Jaune: let's not mince words," Tai said. "You're dating my daughter."

Jaune looked up from his bowl of chocolate ice cream. He had been looking forward to using it to rid his taste buds of the crime against pizza he had consumed earlier, yet somehow he couldn't bring himself to eat even a single bite. Next to him, Ruby had practically inhaled her strawberry ice cream, and judging by the irritated look on her face, she hadn't been able to enjoy it.

He couldn't blame her; if he was a girl and his dad was interrogating his date, he would probably be similarly upset.

Jaune nodded. "Yes, sir. I am."

Tai leaned back, crossing his arms. "I see. And you're treating her right?"

"Of course, sir. Wouldn't dream of treating her any other way."

Suddenly, he was kicking himself for putting that condom in his wallet. Obviously, he was only trying to be safe just like his dad had always told him to be ("_Remember, __son__: wrap it before you tap it, unless you want eight kids and a hip replacement before you're thirty-five"_), but he suddenly felt supremely guilty about it. Ruby was a sweet girl; she wasn't a piece of meat for him to enjoy.

Taiyang nodded. "Good. That's good."

Suddenly, silence reigned over the table. Jaune softly cleared his throat. "That's it?"

Tai eyed him warily. "Were you expecting something more?"

"Kind of? I mean, I figured this was the point where you'd tell me to stay away from her or you'd pull my skull right out of my head and beat me to death with it."

That didn't seem physically possible, but somehow Jaune suspected that if anyone could do it, it was a father trying to protect his daughter's innocence.

Tai chuckled. "I mean, I could, but I don't think that would solve anything. For one, I'm pretty sure Ruby is tougher than you. She certainly has more muscle, in any case."  
Taiyang may not have killed him, but he had certainly killed his pride. And here Jaune was, thinking that he had been making good progress in the weight room.

Though admittedly, his only real indicator as to that progress was the fact that Pyrrha couldn't seem to stop complimenting his arms. Apparently, she hadn't been completely truthful about that; he was probably going to have to talk to her about it when he got back to Beacon.

In any case, that wasn't important right now.

The veteran Huntsman continued. "Anyway, I don't see what the problem is – Ruby seems to like you, and you aren't a pig like some of the guys I've had to fend off from Yang. It may not seem like it, but that alone puts you head and shoulders above like ninety percent of the guys who have approached my daughters."

Well, confidence restored, then. "So, why sit me down for this little talk, then?"

"Honestly, I just wanted us to be on the same page. Ruby and Yang are all I have left. Yang can take care of herself, but Ruby is a bit more delicate."

"Daaaad!" Ruby whined.

Jaune winced, but did his best not to react. He was tempted to take some more antacid tablets, but decided against it; if they hadn't helped before, they wouldn't help now.

"Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I just want to make sure you're taking care of her. Treat her right, don't try and push her into doing something she doesn't want to do, and we'll get along just fine," Tai said.

Jaune grinned. "Of course. I wouldn't even think of treating her any other way."

Taiyang relaxed at that. "Good. After all, you're a young guy, and I'd hate to have to kill you." He checked his watch. "Well, I guess I'll leave you two alone, then. Try not to stay out too late."

"We won't," Jaune replied, only slightly scared.

With that, Tai rose from his seat, and with a wave goodbye, stepped out into the night, leaving the two of them alone. When he was gone, Jaune turned back to his date.

"Well, that was nice of him. Mostly."

"I'm actually surprised. I was expecting him to threaten to cut all your limbs off and feed you to some Grimm, or something."

Jaune laughed nervously. "Heh, yeah. Thankfully he didn't do that, right?"

"Yeah." Ruby looked down at his ice cream. "...You wanna split that?"

The blonde chuckled. Typical Ruby. "Of course, Rubes."

The two finished their ice cream together, then stepped out into the night. Suddenly, Jaune felt on top of the world – his date's overprotective dad had given them his blessing, he had finally eaten some good food, and most importantly, Ruby was happy.

Nothing could possibly ruin this moment.

"Jaune?" Ruby suddenly asked softly.

Jaune stopped, looking down at her. "Yeah, Rubes?"

"I… had a great time tonight."

Suddenly, Jaune noticed a steady blush creeping across her face. _She looks so cute… _

Ignoring the pain in his chest, he smiled at her. "I did too, Ruby."

She fidgeted in place. "I… want to give you something." Jaune raised an eyebrow, but before he could ask what, she suddenly stammered out, "C-close your eyes and lean down a bit!"

Blinking, Jaune did as he was told. Seconds later, he felt something press against his lips.

_Strawberry and chocolate…_

He suddenly opened his eyes, only to find himself staring into Ruby's face. Her eyes were closed, and her lips were pressed against his. His heart began to pound, and suddenly his heartburn returned, worse than ever.

Ruby opened her eyes, giving him a sheepish look. "Was that okay…?"

"It was… _great, _Rubes…!" Jaune managed to stammer out. It was so hard to breathe, and his chest felt like it was on fire. What was going on?

His date suddenly looked concerned. "Jaune, are you okay?"

"'m fine, let's… get back… to Beacon..."

He took a step forward, only to suddenly fall flat on his face. Ruby was at his side immediately, screaming his name. The pain in his chest began to intensify, and it was now impossible to breathe.

Wait a second: pain in the chest, shortness of breath… was this a heart attack? It felt like a heart attack.

Apparently, all that Pumpkin Pete's had finally caught up to him.

_Betrayed by my own desire for comfortable clothing._

With black spots dancing on the corners of his vision, Jaune rolled over onto his back. The last thing he saw before he lost consciousness were twin pools of silver looking down at him. In his delirium, he couldn't help but think they were the most beautiful things in the world.

* * *

"Wake up."

Jaune groaned, clutching at his head as he sat up. He opened his eyes, only to recoil in surprise when he found himself staring at a lush green field instead of busy city streets.

"Where am I…?" he asked aloud.

"The afterlife. You died of a cuteness-induced heart attack. I don't know how you didn't notice what was going on earlier; the signs were all there."

He frowned. So that was it, then. Honestly, he felt like he should have been sad or disappointed at how he had died, but he really wasn't. At least he had gone out feeling somewhat fulfilled; that was better than most people got.

"So, is this the part where I reincarnate into another world?" he asked, only somewhat jokingly.

"No, this is the part where I kick your ass."

Well, that was certainly an attention-grabber. Jaune whipped around, only to pause with wide eyes at what he saw.

"Ruby…?"

No, even he could tell that wasn't right. This person looked very similar to Ruby, but she was very clearly not her. Whoever she was, she was wearing her hair a bit longer, she was a fully-grown adult, and she was wearing a white cloak as opposed to Ruby's favorite red cloak.

Also, a golden halo was floating above her head, though somehow he could tell it wasn't a part of her usual attire.

The stranger smirked, waving at him. "Hello, Jaune. My name is Summer Rose."

_Summer Rose… _"You're Ruby's mom!" Jaune said.

Huh. So he really was dead, then; it wasn't just some elaborate prank.

Damn. And he still had all those X-Ray and Vav comics to read.

Oh, and a date to finish.

Summer smirked. "Yes, I am." She brought her hands up and cracked her knuckles. "And I've decided to be nice and give you a ten-second head start."

Jaune blanched. "Uh..."

"Oh, don't play dumb. The afterlife does have some degree of omniscience, you know. We know more than mortals think we do." Her eyes narrowed. "Which is how I know about that condom you put in your wallet."

_Uh oh. _"Uh, Missus Rose, please! This is all a big misunderstanding!"

"Oh? So you _didn't _put a condom in your wallet, hoping to get lucky with my little girl?"

"No! I mean, yes! I mean, I was just trying to be safe!"

"That's what they all say." She smirked. It was a predatory smirk, with way too many teeth. "And here I was thinking this eternity was going to be boring. Luckily, I've got a brand new punching bag to alleviate some of that boredom. Also, your ten seconds are up."

As he ran, Jaune couldn't help but reflect on all that had happened. Sure, he had died and was now going to spend an eternity being pummeled by Ruby's guardian angel of a mom, but you know what? It had still been worth it just to make her happy for a bit. And while it may have been the thing that ultimately killed him, that kiss was going to stay with him for the rest of his un-life.

"Come back here and take it like a man, Arc!"

Assuming Summer didn't kill him a second time, that is.

* * *

**This one is a lot longer than the first chapter, but I definitely don't plan on having most of them be this long – this one is kind of a fluke. I came up with a three-part date, not realizing that it was going to take this much to fill it, but eventually decided that I liked the idea too much to abandon it. **

**Also, Lancaster just so happens to be pretty easy to write comedy for – I mean, it's two socially awkward dorks dating, so comedy is bound to follow. Of course, Ruby didn't seem like the proper girl to do a really raunchy chapter for, so I went for something a bit more grounded and much less perverted than I did with Blake to compensate. **

**That being said, you can absolutely expect the return of the raunchiness starting next chapter. It will go on for a while, too. I should also mention that I'm quite excited for it – it's certainly proven to be a fun one to work on. I'm also going to go out on a limb and say that it's most likely someone that none of you would expect. Here's a hint: It's not a RWBY member.**

**Next update: Saturday, December 28.**


	3. Shoutout To Jiu-jitsu Dude

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 3: Cinder, or: Shoutout to Jiu-jitsu dude (For Somehow Making this Pairing Work)

* * *

"Jaune?"

Jaune had to hold himself back from sighing as he read his comic book. "Yes, Cinder?"

"Have I ever told you about my plans for the future?"

Only every day since their first night sharing a bed. He turned a page. As much as he didn't want to indulge her chuuni side, he knew better than to try and ignore her or brush her off. That way held nothing but pain for him – incredibly kinky pain, the kind that Cinder enjoyed from time to time, but also the kind that he very much did not. And since he had no interest in convincing her to pursue it later in the night, he decided that it would be best to simply let her go off.

"Remind me," he said, trying not to betray that he knew how this story was going to end.

Cinder grinned the kind of grin he had secretly taken to calling her 'villainess grin', because it reminded him of the way those cheesy comic book villains with terrible backstories would grin whenever they went off on rants about their plans.

Funny, because Cinder herself loved nefarious plans.

"My plan for the future is simple," she began. Jaune resisted the urge to roll his eyes at her overdramatic theatrics. "It involves me, standing atop the ashes of a burned world, with all the weak people cowering as they are crushed beneath my heel. The only one spared is you – you are right there with me, serving as my loyal knight, the one I have selected to be my judge, jury, and executioner against all who would seek to end my reign."

"That's nice, Cin." He turned another page in his comic book.

She nodded. "Yes, it is. You should be flattered – not just anyone would be selected to serve as my right hand."

No, just the person who had taken her virginity. Honestly, for someone who was clearly trying to bill herself as a master seductress, Cinder was clueless about how to actually draw another person into her bed. Jaune had talked with her teammate Mercury shortly after he had started dating her, and according to him, she had been using Beacon's dating app for months, with no results to speak of. It wasn't hard to see why, given that her age was reported as 'How dare you', her likes consisted of, 'fire, power, crushing weak and useless people beneath my heels', and her dislikes consisted of… well, a whole litany of things.

Jaune didn't know who Arthur was, but he certainly pitied the man. Anybody who had an entire all-caps paragraph dedicated to them in the dislikes list of someone's dating profile had probably been subjected to a very messy breakup indeed.

Honestly, Jaune had almost swiped left on her profile. The only thing that had stopped him was the fact that she had been his only match ever since he had first started using the app… and, of course, that Nora had stolen his scroll from him and swiped right when he had expressed concern that 'iBurn' might be out of his league.

"_There's no such thing as leagues, Jauney! Stop thinking like that; that way lies madness and permanent virginity! You'll thank me later!"_

He had, after the first night he had spent with Cinder.

Though he had very rapidly started to have second thoughts when she started busting out the chains, whips, and candle wax.

And then she had surprised him by softly asking that he use them on _her _instead of him.

Apparently, Cinder was known as a 'switch' – someone who got off on being both a dom and a sub. In theory, that was what she had billed herself as when breaching the topic with Jaune.

In practice, though? Cinder Fall had to be the biggest sub in the world.

Oh, sure, she sometimes liked to play as the dom, and in some respects she did well at it (at least as far as Jaune could tell; he didn't exactly have much else to compare it to, and for that matter, being the sub wasn't something he enjoyed so much as something he put up with to keep his girlfriend happy)… but even in his inexperience, Jaune could tell that she didn't relish it the same way she did when he was the one doing the dominating.

Which was a problem, because Jaune Arc was really, _really _bad at being a dom.

Seriously, was it too much to ask for just regular sex? No whips, no chains, no being forced to call her a whore… just regular, passionate, lights-off, missionary position sex, maybe with a little handholding if he wanted to be extra degenerate. But noooo, it was always 'Jaune, shove my panties in my mouth and pull my hair' or 'Jaune, spank me with a spatula' or 'Jaune, hook this car battery up to my nipples', or 'Jaune, fuck me in the ass without lube'.

That last one was a big mistake, by the way. Never again.

The point was, Cinder was into some weird stuff, and Jaune just couldn't keep up with it. He still remembered the first time she had tried to get him to talk dirty.

"_J-Jaune..."_

"_Yes, Cin…?"_

"_C-call – ah! – c-call me a filthy slut…!"_

"_Uh..."_

"_Do it!"_

"_Y-you're a filthy slut…?"_

"_Louder!"_

"_You're a filthy slut."_

"_Even louder! Oh, gods, I'm so close! Please, Jaune!"  
_

_"YOU'RE A FILTHY SLUT!"_

"_AH!"_

_Suddenly, the door came flying open, revealing Weiss Schnee in her nightgown-clad glory. "What is going on here?! We can hear you from down the hall! It is almost midnight; people are trying to-"_

_She paused at the same time they did. The heiress looked at them. They looked at each other, then back at her. Her gaze drifted down south, then to the chains on Cinder's wrists and ankles._

_Then, she nodded. "Nope."_

_And with that, she turned and walked away, slamming the door as she did so._

_Jaune let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "Cin, you okay?"_

_No response. Worried, he looked down at his girlfriend, who he noticed was blushing far more than she usually did when she climaxed._

"_Cinder?"_

_She fidgeted slightly. "...Jaune, I think I just found another kink..."  
_

Yeah, that had been a disaster. And it was the worst kind of disaster, too – the kind that Cinder actually enjoyed enough that it gave her a new fetish, in this case one for exhibitionism.

Ever have sex in a public place? Well, for the next week after that, Jaune had… until Beacon's librarian caught them and banned them for life.

That had been a fun trip to Goodwitch's office. At least Ozpin seemed to understand.

"_I have made more mistakes than any man, woman, or child, so believe me when I say I have been in your position before and that I understand."_

On second thought, no, that wasn't a good thing, that wasn't a good thing at all! Suddenly, Jaune needed some brain bleach really bad.

Cinder suddenly sighed, leaning her head against his shoulder. She brought one hand up and began to trace a finger over his chest, then leaned in to whisper into his ear.

"Jaune~" she purred. "I'm feeling a little troubled. I think I could go for a bit of stress relief."

Stress relief. One of two code phrases they used. If she asked for 'stress relief', it meant she wanted him to be dominant; if she asked to 'relieve some stress', it meant that she wanted to be dominant.

Frankly, Jaune was still unsure about why she had to use code words instead of just asking if he wanted to bang, and if so, if he wouldn't mind tying her up and spanking her until her ass cheeks glowed like a pair of red giants, please. She had claimed that it was so nobody else – her teammates in particular – would know what she was asking for, but they had figured it out the first time she had actually used the code words, meaning there was no reason for her to use them other than satisfying her own chuuni side.

Speaking of her teammates, they were all sitting across the table from him and Cinder, each one with a different look on their face. Mercury looked like he was about to completely lose it, and was only holding himself back because the last time he had laughed at Cinder asking for sex, she had set him on fire (Jaune wasn't sure how given that it wasn't her semblance, but since that was far from the weirdest thing Cinder had ever done, he didn't think about it too hard).

Emerald, meanwhile, was glaring at him as if he had just solicited her mom. Kind of a weird comparison to make since as far as he could tell Emerald was an orphan, but it sort of made sense given that she seemed to worship the ground Cinder walked on, for whatever reason. Normally, Jaune would have been worried about catching a knife between his ribs or something, but Emerald wouldn't dare do something that might hurt Cinder… and frankly, Jaune just couldn't bring himself to be all that afraid of someone clumsy enough to lose both parents.

That left Cinder's final teammate, Neo… something-or-other. He actually didn't know her last name, mostly because she couldn't talk. She primarily communicated through gestures and typing on her scroll, but Jaune spent most of his time ignoring her for one reason or another – for the former, because he couldn't stand charades, and for the latter, because he had always preferred dubs over subs, and he wasn't going to make an exception just because the poor girl was mute.

Anyway, she was currently looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of a circle, which she was thrusting another finger into over and over very rapidly, a large smirk on her face the entire time. She was obviously trying to tease the two of them, but she was a complete womanlet, so Jaune just wrote off her teasing as midget rage, the same way he did with Weiss and her constant bitching about everything.

Obviously, Ruby and Nora did not apply, as they were both two adorable cinnamon rolls whose smiles deserved to be protected, and who didn't make fun of him or turn him down for dates or walk in on him and his girlfriend having sex and give her a fetish that got them both banned from Beacon's library and also multiple public places in downtown Vale.

Cinder rested her head on his shoulder, pouting at his lack of a response. Oh yeah, she had asked him to plow her fields and plant some seeds. He should probably do that before she changed her mind about needing some stress relief and instead decided to relieve some stress.

Seriously, he was still finding clumps of candle wax in his chest hair from a few nights ago. How people actually got off on that, he had no idea. It was like getting off by having someone kick you in the balls… not that he would ever say that out loud for fear of giving Cinder another kink.

Sighing, he closed his comic book. "Right, let's do this."

He stood up, then scooped his girlfriend into a princess carry. She flung her arms around his neck, then nestled her head underneath his chin.

Okay, he appreciated what she was going for, but this was not a natural position, nor was it a good idea. Cinder wasn't fat – she was, in fact, in _very _good shape – but he was still going to have to carry her from the cafeteria back to their dorm room, lest he look like an idiot. It wouldn't be so bad if Pyrrha hadn't made him do a bunch of extra squats when they had lifted weights earlier with the excuse that she was 'checking his form'.

Oh, she was checking something alright, but it definitely wasn't his form. It was almost cute how she thought she was being subtle. Jaune let her get away with it, though; she deserved something that made her happy after that time Cinder had talked him into having sex with her on Pyrrha's bed.

"_Jaune, what are these stains on my bed, and why do they taste so salty?"_

He didn't have the heart to tell her what it was, which made him feel really guilty, so instead of admitting that she had just basically turned her mouth into the world's smallest orphanage by mistake, he just let her check him out when they were in the gym and pretended like he didn't know for a fact that she was rubbing herself raw to it in the bathroom at night when she thought everyone else was asleep.

_Sorry, Pyr. Maybe it could have worked out, but I'm already with Cinder._

"Have fun, you two!" Mercury called out.

Cinder huffed, and Jaune simply nodded at him, then turned and left, leaving him and the rest of Team CMEN behind.

_Heh, CMEN – CMEN as in cum._

Honestly, he really did impress himself sometimes.

* * *

Jaune paused in front of the warehouse, fishing his scroll out of his pocket to read Cinder's message one last time. As he did so, he frowned. This was clearly the place, but it was so… nondescript.

Also, it was on the docks, so the whole area smelled like raw fish.

Resisting the urge to gag at the scent, Jaune approached the front door of the warehouse and pushed his way inside. It was completely dark within, much to his confusion.

Suddenly, he was starting to get a bad feeling about coming here. Still, his girlfriend had asked him to show up for some reason, saying that she had a surprise for him.

...Which didn't do anything to alleviate his concerns, now that he thought about it. Knowing her, the surprise was some weird BDSM sex thing she had just thought up. The idea that she had to put it in a creepy-looking abandoned warehouse that smelled like Blake's breath and hadn't been cleaned in years was almost enough to make him cut and run immediately, but if he did that he would probably only be making things worse for himself, so instead he decided to just bite the bullet.

Jaune cupped his hands around his mouth. "Cinder?" he called.

At first, no response. He was about to pull his scroll out and try calling her when he heard the telltale sound of glass heels clicking against the ground. Seconds later, his girlfriend rounded the corner.

"Jaune!" she said, approaching him and sweeping him into a hug. "Oh, I'm so glad you came!"

Funny; she had said the same thing last night. Pushing that thought from his mind, Jaune planted a kiss on her lips. "Well, I said I would, didn't I?"

"You did, but I wasn't sure if you really understood what I was asking of you when I told you to come here without telling anyone."

He… kind of had? She had told him that she had some kind of top-secret plan that involved making an enemy out of Ozpin and everyone at Beacon, but Jaune just figured that was her chuuni side talking again and had decided to indulge her for fear of what would happen if he didn't.

His asscheeks were still sore from the last time he hadn't, after all.

"Well, I'm here now," he said. "So, what's the plan?"

Cinder smirked, then took him by the hand. "Come with me."

Somehow, he knew that wouldn't be the only time she used that phrase tonight. Nodding, he allowed her to drag him along into the bowels of the warehouse. After a bit of walking, she led him to a door at the end of a hallway, which she pushed him through.

Entering the room, Jaune couldn't help but pause, dumbfounded.

Across from him, Mercury raised a hand in greeting. "Hey, Jaune."

Tentatively, Jaune waved back to him. Okay, he knew Cinder was into some kinky shit, but this was too much. There was Mercury, Emerald, Neo, some douchey-looking guy with a bowler hat and a cigar who looked like he enjoyed a bit too much of the ol' ultra-violence, and some edgy-looking Faunus with a mask and a katana.

Said edgelord frowned upon seeing him, placing a hand on the hilt of his sword. "You didn't say you would be bringing anyone else here, let alone another human."

Oh, what the fuck? Was this seriously what he thought it was?

Immediately, Jaune rounded on his girlfriend, a scowl on his face. "Cinder, what is this?"

"This is my crew," she said. "You know, for the plan."

Her crew, huh? "I see. And how long has this been going on?"

"For a few months now."

A few months? "You never mentioned the other guys."

She frowned. "Jaune, what are you trying to say?"

"Oh, nothing. Just wanted to know how long I've been your side bitch for."

"Side bi- Jaune Arc, what do you think this is?!"

He paused. "...You mean this isn't you trying to get me involved in some weird group sex thing?"

"No! What could have ever given you that idea?!"

That… was a good question, actually. Chuckling nervously, Jaune turned back to Edgelord and Bowler Hat, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.

"Sorry, guys. Just wanted to make sure everything was still on the straight and narrow. I'm sure you understand."

Bowler Hat simply shrugged as he ashed his cigar. Edgelord, meanwhile, scowled.

"Cinder, who is this idiot?" he growled.

"This is my boyfriend," Cinder informed.

Whatever him and Bowler Hat had been expecting, that wasn't it. Both of them paused, then looked at him, then back to her, then back to him.

"...Seriously?" Bowler Hat asked.

"And what is that supposed to mean, Roman?"

Roman held up his hands in surrender. "Whoa, simmer down. I just wanted to know what you see in a scrawny guy like him. He doesn't seem like he'd be much good for what we have planned."

Mercury cleared his throat. "The only reason Cinder is with him is because if it weren't for him, she'd still be a vir-"

"Utter one more syllable and I'll have Emerald and Neo chop you up and feed you to the fish outside," Cinder threatened.

Mercury immediately paused, then looked over to Emerald and Neo. Emerald yawned with a bored expression on her face while Neo grinned widely, reaching for her umbrella and unsheathing the hidden blade slightly. Swallowing nervously, Mercury wisely decided to back down.

Cinder took a breath. "I assure you both that Jaune is of great value to us."

Edgelord growled. "Sounds to me like you're just trying to protect him from the fallout of the plan by bringing him into it."

"And what if I am? Last I checked, you work for me, not the other way around. Who I choose to bring into the plan is of no concern to you, Adam."

Jaune held up a hand. "Okay, time out," he said, earning a scowl from everyone in the room except his girlfriend. "Cinder, what's going on here?"

Roman paused in the middle of lighting up another cigar. "...Cinder, you did tell him about the plan, right?"

"Of course!" Cinder replied through gritted teeth. Relaxing, she turned back to the blonde. "Jaune, it's like we discussed earlier."

"What, that plan to launch an attack on Beacon alongside the White Fang during the Vytal Festival in order to incite panic, which will attract a whole bunch of Grimm, which you can use to distract everyone and destroy the school so you can get at something you think is buried underneath it? That plan?"

"Yes, that plan."

"...Oh." He looked back over everyone that was assembled in the room. "Ah, I see what's going on now."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Good."

"You're all chuunis, too."

The room went completely silent. If someone were to drop a pin, it would sound like a gunshot compared to all the other noise in the room at that moment. After several seconds of this, Roman spoke.

"Gonna need the good tobacco for this one..." he muttered, dropping his cigar on the ground and pulling out a much fancier-looking one, which he then proceeded to light up and begin smoking.

Cinder breathed deeply before exhaling. "Jaune," she began, "My love. The light of my life. The man I've selected to secure a future alongside me. If you don't mind, could you please explain what brought you to that conclusion?"

"Sure," Jaune replied. "Well, for starters, I've always kind of figured that you're a chuuni – sorry babe, but you just are, what with the constant talk of taking over the world and burning your enemies to ashes and everything. I still love you and all, but you kind of take it a bit too far sometimes."

He pointed to Mercury and Emerald. "Those two seem pretty normal so they might not actually be chuunis, but I figure that they're tagging along with you for their own reasons – Emerald because she practically worships you for some reason, and Mercury because he's just in it for kicks, both literal and figurative."

"Got it in one," Mercury admitted. Emerald scowled, but otherwise didn't react.

Next, Jaune turned to Neo. "She's almost as bad as you, what with the mute thing and the fact that she's got this weird ice cream motif going as opposed to her usual black outfit." Neo flipped him off, but he ignored her impotent midget spergery in favor of turning to Roman.

"Next there's you, and while I just met you, I'm convinced that you're also pretty bad, since you're clearly trying evoke the classic gangster look and failing miserably."

Roman looked downright offended. "Failing miserably? Kid, I'm the very definition of classy criminal in this city! I've got the people eating out of the palm of my hand!"

"You're proving my point," Jaune replied. "Also, you're wearing eyeliner, dude. Come on."

Roman opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out. Instead, he hung his head in shame. Neo gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder.

Finally, Jaune turned to Adam, who simply snarled in response. "Insult me and it'll be the last thing you do, human," he threatened.

Cinder checked her nails absentmindedly. "Adam, remind me again how my visit to your camp went?"

The Faunus growled, but reluctantly took his hand off his sword. Jaune nodded before continuing.

"Anyway, you're like the textbook definition of edge. Your outfit's all red and black, your hair's blood red, you're wearing an edgy mask, and you're using a katana. You look like a tabletop game character I might have rolled up when I was thirteen."

"Rest assured, when the Faunus finally rise up against their oppressors, I will make sure that you are the first to have his head mounted on a pike," Adam said.

"Yeah, not really helping your case, bud. Good try, though – if I was twelve, I would be quaking in my boots right now."

He was vaguely aware of Mercury laughing his ass off and everyone else staring at him in open-mouthed shock, though he had no idea why that was. What, was it suddenly no longer socially acceptable to make fun of people when they embarrassed themselves like this? These people needed a good kick in the ass to set them straight, and it was better that they get it from someone like Jaune instead of someone a lot meaner, such as Cardin.

Cinder suddenly cleared her throat. "Wow," she said, "Jaune, I can't believe you figured all that out so quickly. You really are amazing."

He couldn't help but beam at her praise. Sure, she told him that all the time, but hearing your girlfriend say how awesome you were just never got old.

"Thanks, Cin. I love you, too."

"Yes, I know. Hold on a second." She pulled out a pen and paper, then wrote something down and shoved it into his chest.

He took the paper and read it, frowning as he did so. "Cin, what's this?"

"A date and time for when I want you to come here."

"Cin, this is during the Vytal Tournament, specifically the singles rounds. What if I miss Pyrrha's fight?"

She grabbed him by the shoulders and looked him in the eye. "Jaune Arc, as your girlfriend, I am demanding that you be here on that day at that time until I come and get you, and don't you even think of being anywhere else or leaving until I've met you here. Do you understand?"

"Alright, alright," Jaune conceded. "Any particular reason?"

She let go of him, gently brushing off his shirt where she had grabbed him. "It's… a surprise," she said.

"A surprise?"

"Yes. You'll know what it is when you see it."

"...Makes sense, I guess."

"Yes, it does. Also, you cannot tell anyone else about this, because it would ruin the surprise. Understand?"

He raised his arms in surrender and chuckled. "Alright, I get it."

"Good. Now, why don't you head back to Beacon? I'll be there shortly."

"But I thought you wanted me here for-"

"I am altering the plan," Cinder interrupted. For some reason, she seemed to be getting increasingly desperate. "Anyway, I will see you back at Beacon."

"...Well, alright," Jaune said. He waved goodbye to everyone, then stepped out into the hallway.

Vaguely, he was aware of someone who sounded suspiciously like Roman asking something along the lines of 'Am I imagining things or did that guy actually just fucking make fun of the world's most wanted terrorist to his face', though he ignored it as he didn't pay any attention to the opinions of girly-men.

Except for Ren and Scarlet, because Ren and Scarlet were total bros.

Anyway, whatever Cinder had planned, it had better be good if it meant missing Pyrrha's fight, because his partner would never forgive him for that if she found out.

* * *

Jaune winced as he heard another explosion outside, once again checking his scroll to make sure he was on-time. Seeing that he was, he pocketed his scroll and let out loud sigh, then began tapping his foot impatiently.

Sure, as a Huntsman-in-training, he should probably be out there helping with… whatever was going on out there. But he wasn't stupid, and while Cinder may have been his first experience with romance, even he knew better than to ignore her when something like this was so clearly very important to her.

He just wished she had sprayed some air freshener in the warehouse or something, because it still smelled awful.

Seriously, it was like a constant stream of Blake's breath in here.

Again, her checked his scroll, sighing when he saw that it was long past the time she had asked him to meet her here.

"Right, I'm gonna call her."

He had just brought up his contacts list when the door to the warehouse opened and someone stumbled in. A smile crossed his face.

"Hey, Cin."

"J-Jaune..." she all but whispered, her voice weak.

Then, to his surprise, she began to sway from side to side before collapsing in a heap on the ground. As quick as his legs would take him, Jaune rushed over to her side.

"Cinder, what's-" He gasped as he got closer. "Cinder, your arm! Your eye! What happened?!"

Cinder grit her teeth as he poked at her, checking for additional injuries. With her one remaining arm, she waved him off. "I… fell."

"You fell?"

"I fell."

"Where, from the top of Beacon's tower or something?!"

"...Yes."

He gaped at her, but shook his head. "You know what? It doesn't matter. We have to get you to a hospital."

He hooked his arms around her and was prepared to pull her to her feet, only for her to protest.

"Wait, Jaune!" she shouted, causing him to pause. "Just wait, please."

"Wait? Cinder, your arm's off! I can't wait!"

Looking closer at her new stump, he could see that it appeared to have been cauterized, as it wasn't bleeding.

Huh. Must have been a heck of a fall, then. Maybe onto one of Weiss' vials of Fire Dust, kind of like what happened with her and Ruby?

"It's okay," she said. "I have a… a friend coming to pick us up in a Bullhead. He'll take us somewhere I can get help."

"Why did you even come here, anyway?! You should have gone straight to the emergency room!"

"...I didn't want to ruin the surprise."

"And what could that surprise possibly be, that it was worth putting yourself through all this for?"

She winced. "...Jaune, run away with me."

Jaune paused. "Huh?"

"Run away with me, Jaune. Away from all this. We'll go somewhere where we can become truly powerful, and in due time, we'll rule the world together."

"...I don't know if I'm ready for that kind of commitment, Cin."

"I know you are," she said, determined. "I know you're capable, Jaune. Please, I'm begging you: be my right hand."

Actually, it was looking like she was going to need a left hand rather than a right one, plus a left eye as well. Maybe Emerald could be her left eye, while he served as Cinder's left hand?

...And he still wasn't sure if he should accept that offer; he had seen where that hand had been during their nights together, after all.

Then again, his dad had given him words of advice for this exact situation:

"_Son, remember to always put pussy on a pedestal. Pussy is the most important thing a man can ever aspire to have in his life. If you have a constant source of it, then you must pursue it, as there is nothing worse than going through a dry spell."_

Sure, his dad had been about nine beers in when he had given him that bit of fatherly advice, but wasn't there a saying about how there was truth in alcohol?

In any case, who was Jaune to turn his nose up at the wisdom of his elders?

Turning back to Cinder, he nodded. "Okay."

She blinked in surprise, as if she hadn't been expecting that answer. It registered a second later, and she brought her lips crashing against his, a huge smile on her face.

"I'm so happy to hear that..." she muttered softly.

Jaune went to pick her up, but she waved him off, so instead he just sat there, cradling her in his hands and trying to help keep her mind off the extreme amount of pain she surely had to be in.

Suddenly, a thought occurred to him.

"I should probably call my friends and let them know where I'm going," he said, reaching for his scroll.

Immediately, Cinder's hand clamped around his wrist, stopping him. "I think it'll be fine, Jaune," she said.

"But Cinder, they'll want to know where I am."

'They'll figure it out."

"Are you sure? Pyrrha will be worried."

Cinder winced. "I… somehow doubt that. Very much."

"What makes you say that?"

"Oh, uh… see, I actually told her that I was thinking about running away with you at some point, and she said she was fine with it."

"Was this before or after you fell?"

"...Before. Definitely before. Anyway, there's no reason to call her, because she wouldn't pick up – not because she's dead or anything, certainly not that, but because she's, uh… busy. Yeah, she's busy. For the rest of her life."

Jaune frowned. "Okay. But I should still call Ruby and-"

"Ah yes, Ruby Rose," Cinder interrupted. "Yes, she is also fine with it. She's definitely not in a coma, buried underneath a pile of rubble on Beacon's tower in front of the frozen corpse of a Grimm Wyvern. No, she… uh… went back to Patch to pursue a life of religious fulfillment."

"Huh," Jaune said. "Never took her for the religious type. Oh well, I suppose you're right."

He took his hand off his scroll, but to his surprise, Cinder took it. Then, as she held it in her hands, it suddenly burst into flames.

"My scroll!" Jaune cried, watching in despair as it burned to a crisp on the ground. "What happened?"

Cinder shrugged. It was an awkward shrug because she only had one arm, but still. "Oh, you know how those lithium ion batteries are – they get really hot and spontaneously combust."

"Damn…"

There was a loud noise outside, one that sounded suspiciously like a Bullhead's engine. Seconds later, the doors to the warehouse flung open, and Emerald, Mercury, and some big guy Jaune had never seen before came rushing in.

"Cinder!" Emerald cried, rushing over to her side. "Merc, help me!"

"No, need; I've got this," the big guy grunted, stepping over and picking Cinder up with one hand, then slinging her over his shoulder. Upon seeing Jaune, he paused. "You the new guy?"

Jaune nodded. "Yup, that's me."

Another grunt. "Follow me, then. Word of advice – I heard about what you said to Torchwick and Taurus. I'd advise you to not do that to anyone you meet where we're going."

"Why's that?"

"Because they'll kill you."

That… wasn't the answer he was expecting. Damn, it looked like wherever they were going, it was just going to have more chuunis. Still, he knew what he was getting into after his first time with Cinder, so by now he was used to it.

And if they were going to help Cinder heal, then he would do whatever they wanted him to.

Jaune nodded. "Okay, I'll try to be respectful."

Again, the man grunted. Jaune took that as a sign that he approved.

All of them piled onto the Bullhead. Jaune tried to look through the window as it took off, but Emerald and Mercury were quick to distract him by talking to him instead.

Unfortunately, his airsickness acted up and he ended up throwing up all over Emerald's shoes. At least Mercury had a good laugh about that, though.

Wiping the vomit from his lips, Jaune settled into his seat. He looked over at his girlfriend, who seemed to have finally had enough and had passed out. As he did so, his expression softened.

Sure, she was kind of crazy. Sure, she had some weird fetishes, most of which he only put up with to keep her happy. Sure, she thought she was some kind of villainous mastermind when she was actually just a huge dork. And sure, handjobs were now going to be a lot more awkward since her dominant hand was missing. But you know what? She was still his girlfriend, and he loved her dearly, even with her missing limb, missing eye, and chuuni tendencies.

Whatever his new life with her held, he was sure that it would be a good one.

_Too bad I couldn't say goodbye to Pyrrha, though; I'm gonna miss her, _Jaune thought.

Outside, the sky began to mysteriously darken, all while an ominous-looking castle loomed in the distance...

* * *

**This chapter's title is a reference to 'A Monster's Marriage', by Jiu-jitsu dude. It's an excellent story, and the only one I've ever seen make this crack pairing actually work somehow. If you ever get tired of reading my garbage, you should definitely give that story a shot, because it's way better than my shitposts.**

**Anyway, I don't have much else.  
**

**Next update: Saturday, January 11. Happy New Year, everybody.**


	4. Gently Rapping, Rapping At Her Backdoor

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 4: Raven, or: Gently Rapping, Rapping at Her Backdoor

* * *

Ever since he was a little kid, Jaune Arc had dreamed of being a hero. His father and grandfather had raised him on stories of heroes both ancient and modern, of monsters slain and maidens saved, of tales of heroism both real and fantastical. Their intention had never been anything more than to entertain, yet they had inadvertently lit a fire in the youngest Arc male's belly, one that compelled him to live up to the example set by both his ancestors and the imaginary heroes in the stories he had been told. When they had refused his request to attend Beacon, Jaune had decided to go against them for the first time in his life and take matters into his own hands, all in pursuit of a dream. Getting into Beacon had been his first step in realizing that dream, and for a while, it had been good.

But soon enough, one big problem presented itself.

Namely, that living with four people – two of them girls – left him with zero chance to deal with his hormones in the way that all teenage boys with a healthy sex drive felt the need to.

The first week had been fine. The second week had been a bit harder, but still doable. The third week was when it started to get unbearable. The fourth week was absolute torture.

And now it was week eight, and Jaune Arc had finally had enough.

Yawning, he cast a glance over at his bedside clock. Seeing that it was just past midnight, he then looked around at his teammates. It had taken him several weeks and lots of careful monitoring to determine when they were all deeply asleep, but he had finally done it.

Ren was pretty much the same asleep as he was awake – quiet, and often hard to tell apart from the drywall. Still, at this moment it was easy to tell by the gentle rise and fall of his chest that he was out like a light.

Nora, on the other hand, slept like how he imagined a gorilla would – constant snoring and thrashing around in her sleep, with occasional mumbles that almost sounded like she was using actual words, but not quite.

Also, she slept clutching a fork in one hand and a claw hammer in the other. This presented a problem, because Nora would often roll over in her sleep, loosening her grip on one of the two objects in her hands and leaving them to fall onto the floor. This would then wake up Ren, who would immediately march over, pick them up, and secure them tightly in Nora's grasp before going back to his own bed and falling asleep once more. It would have been cute if it weren't for the fact that it risked exposing Jaune's one-man sexual escapades.

And finally, there was Pyrrha. Honestly, Jaune liked Pyrrha – she was his partner, and a really good friend... but she was also the absolute worst when it came to sleep. She constantly tossed and turned in her sleep, she tended to babble whenever she was dreaming, and worst of all, she was a sleepwalker. Jaune had caught her doing everything from going to the bathroom to getting up and doing calisthenics or practicing with her semblance in her sleep… which was extra bad because it often resulted in Nora losing her grasp on her fork or hammer, which in turn woke up Ren.

Honestly, it was a wonder that he got _any _sleep at all given what went on in JNPR's dorm, especially because for some reason Pyrrha often climbed into his bed instead of her own whenever she started to sleepwalk. Sure, she always apologized profusely whenever she woke up and found that she was using him as the little spoon, but that didn't change the fact that she liked to hog the covers and that it was cold this time of year.

Oh, and the fact that it was incredibly awkward, but Jaune wasn't one to complain about a pretty girl holding him close, even if she didn't know she was doing it and even if they were just friends.

Yeah, definitely just friends. Ren and Nora did the same thing all the time and Nora insisted they were just friends, so clearly that was just something friends did together. Yup, there was certainly nothing weird about it, no sir.

What's that? Denial? What does a river in Vacuo have to do with anything?

Anyway, it was now past midnight and everyone was deeply asleep, which meant it was time to put his plan and his hand into motion. Slowly and softly, Jaune rose from his bed, being sure to tiptoe over to the bathroom. He made it halfway there when Pyrrha mumbled something in her sleep, which made him freeze. Thankfully, it seemed like she wasn't about to start sleepwalking just yet, so he resumed his slow march to the bathroom.

After an agonizingly slow twenty seconds, he was there. An involuntary sigh of relief escaped him. Finally, it was time for him to do what he had been denied for eight long weeks. The blonde turned toward the toilet, stripped off his onesie, and tried his best to remember how that smut he had stolen from Blake went.

He hadn't even gotten a stroke in when a noise from inside the shower caught his attention, making his heart jump into his throat and his spaghetti noodle go from al dente to overcooked. Briefly, he was afraid that the noise might have awoken his teammates, but the lack of any commotion from outside the bathroom meant he was still safe. He sighed, then turned back towards the toilet. Normally he would have investigated what caused that noise, but he had more pressing matters to attend to at the moment. Besides, it was probably just a shampoo bottle falling over or something.

Blake's porn had just popped back into his head when another sound emanated from the shower, one that he was sure wasn't actually a shampoo bottle falling over or something. In fact, it sounded more like a hiccup than anything.

Quickly, Jaune reached for his onesie, pulling it up with one hand so it just barely covered his lower body. Then, tentatively and with his heart pounding, he reached for the shower curtain and pulled it back.

Honestly, he wasn't sure what he had been expecting. Yang playing another of her stupid pranks, maybe? Some new type of Grimm that liked to hide in people's showers? He didn't know.

What he did know is that he would never, in a million years, have expected the noisemaker to be a strange woman.

Jaune blinked. So did she. Then, a wide, lecherous grin crossed her face.

"Heeeey, Tai," she slurred, swaying from side to side. "'m back. And I brought the milk like I said I would seventeen years ago."

She held up a bottle of milk in one hand. Jaune didn't care about that, though; he was far more concerned with the bottle in her other hand, which looked to have once been filled with bourbon and was now almost completely empty.

Geez, milk and bourbon? It was like his mom trying to breastfeed his younger twin sisters all over again.

Jaune adjusted his grip on his onesie to cover a bit more of his twig and berries, trying in vain the whole time to process what was happening. Clearly, this woman was drunk and thought he was someone else. That still didn't explain why she was here, or how she even got here in the first place. Frankly, Jaune didn't care about that so much as he cared about the fact that a strange older woman he had never met was now staring at him like a piece of meat. It was almost enough to make him call to his teammates for help. Almost, because then they would burst in and see him naked, and that would only make things worse – the last thing he wanted was to make his friendship with them awkward due to them having seen him naked.

He could just imagine Pyrrha's disgusted face when she caught a glimpse of his erection. It looked similar to the look on Saphron's face when she had walked in on him choking the chicken that one time back in middle school.

Now, Jaune wasn't saying that his older sister catching a glimpse of his junk had turned her gay, but he was willing to bet that it had definitely played a part somehow.

Returning to the situation at hand, Jaune swallowed nervously, then decided the only appropriate thing to do was get some answers.

"Um… who are you, and why are you in my shower watching me masturbate?" he asked.

The woman blinked again before giggling. "Tai, don't act like you don't rec… uh, recon… recognize me. It's me, Raven! And as for why I'm here..." She paused, then scanned over his whole body before licking her lips. "...It's been too long since I got some, so consider this a booty call. And I must say, you have aged amazingly."

If he hadn't been trying to cover himself, Jaune probably would have slapped himself to wake up. An older woman suddenly appearing in his shower and soliciting him for sex? Why, it was pretty much Blake's porn come to life.

The one exception was that this was far creepier in real life than in porn.

Like, really, this woman was not only old enough to be his mom, she was also drunk enough to be his mom after having spent the entire day wrangling eight kids.

Again, Jaune swallowed nervously. "Uh, I think you might have confused me for someone else."

"What? Don't be stupid, Tai. You've got the blonde hair, the blue eyes, the…" She squinted at him, then shrugged. "Well, you look like a young Tai. And anyway, my semblance brought me to you, so you have to be him."

"I mean, you _are _drunk."

"Are you implying that my semblance messed up because I was drunk and that instead of sending me to my ex-husband it sent me to some younger kid who just so happens to look like him? Please. I think I know how my own semblance works, and besides, that sounds like the sort of thing that would only happen in some bad story or something." She crossed her arms over her chest, letting out a small hiccup in the process. "Anyway, I'm drunk and horny, but most importantly, I'm here after seventeen years. You gonna drop 'em or what?"

Ignoring the fact that they were pretty much already dropped, Jaune had no intentions of actually sleeping with this woman. Sure, it was every teenage boy's dream come true, but it still felt wrong. It was wrong in the same way that jerking off to one of your teachers was wrong.

...Unless that teacher was Professor Goodwitch, because holy shit, she had it going on. A body like that should have been illegal to have at her age, and those leggings with that pencil skirt was downright unfair. Add in those glasses and the riding crop, and-

_Focus, Jaune. You're trying _not _to nut right now._

Sighing, the woman – Raven, he remembered, and why did that name sound familiar? – uncrossed her arms, then leaned over and placed both bottles she was holding on top of the toilet before turning back to him.

"Apparently, I need to remind you what you're missing out on," she slurred.

Then, to Jaune's amazement, she reached up and began to undo her shirt. Before his very eyes, she freed herself from the confines of it, exposing her bare chest to the world.

Jaune had heard stories of the Promised Land before, but none of them compared to what he was seeing now. It was even better than one of his Mistralian animes.

"Like what you see?" the woman asked, smirking.

No, he didn't. Of course he didn't; that would be wrong. This woman was clearly drunk out of her mind. His parents would disapprove. His first time would be in a bathroom with his three best friends within earshot.

...But then again, he had been pent up for eight weeks with no release and now there was a hot older woman showing her breasts to him and soliciting him for sex.

Now, Jaune was many things – a teenage boy, a Huntsman-in-training, and a big brother among them… but above all else, he was horny as hell. If he had still been wearing his onesie, he would have been tenting like a madman – like, picture the CCT tower in his pants and you've got a pretty good idea.

Alright, that tore it. It was time to make a decision. Either he was going to smash, or… uh… trash? Fuck it; it worked well enough, and he was too busy staring at tits to care that it was mostly awful.

It didn't take long to choose.

Jaune shook himself out of his stupor, then turned his attention away from her tits and back to her face. Slowly, he nodded.

"Fuck it."

So they did.

* * *

As awkward as having Raven appear on him while he was beating his meat had been, the morning after had been even worse.

As usual, Pyrrha had been the first one up. She had risen from her bed still half-asleep and immediately stepped into the bathroom to take a shower and start getting ready for the day. Naturally, that meant she had gotten a face full of ass – Jaune's ass, that is, because him and Raven were wound together in the bathtub, both very asleep and very naked.

Her scream had, of course, awoken Ren and Nora, but not before the sound of what he believed to be a scroll camera activating awoke Jaune… though he was quick to write this off as a sleep-and-sex-induced hallucination, because Pyrrha was far too nice to take pictures of him for blackmail, and why else would she take pictures of his pasty white ass if not for blackmail?

All of the commotion had then awoken Raven. Being hungover, she was pissed off. And being pissed off, she promptly went on a rampage, one which ended with all of Team JNPR save for Jaune unconscious once more. That had left just her and him… though not for long, as she was quick to thank him for his services ("You were fine, even if you were obviously a virgin… though I appreciate you standing in for the man I really wanted at the time, since it kept me from doing something I would regret.") and then try to use her semblance to leave.

And then her semblance had failed, presumably because she was hungover or something. He wasn't sure on the specifics; the anime bullshit that was aura and semblances barely made sense to him on a good day, and the finer points were the last thing on his mind given that Raven had still been naked when she had tried to leave.

Sure, she had just finished laying the fucksmack on his best friends in the whole world, but her body was almost as rockin' as Goodwitch's. He was willing to look the other way so long as said way looked suspiciously like a pair of fat titties.

Anyway, Raven being unable to leave had, of course, left them at an impasse, though one that was quickly resolved when Raven had simply shrugged and asked him if he had anything to eat.

And that was how Team JNPR plus one had found themselves in Beacon's cafeteria, eating through a small mountain of food.

"Hey kid, you gonna eat that?"

Jaune shook his head and passed his waffle over to Raven, who proceeded to scarf it down in about three bites. He had no idea why she had even asked – Nora had sat down with a big plate of pancakes and Raven had promptly stolen them before she could take even a single bite, then dared her to do something about it. As much as she loved pancakes, Nora was not that dumb, and had instead resorted to sulking while Ren rubbed her back and glared daggers at their uninvited guest.

It was like watching a very large dog steal an entire steak from another, much smaller dog, though that didn't quite do it justice – Raven ate less like a rabid animal and more like a starving man walking into an all-you-can-eat buffet. Jaune could feel something sticky in his hair, and he was reasonably sure it was syrup. Like, ninety-five percent sure. At least, he hoped it was syrup.

Because the alternative was that it was jizz or something, which would have been concerning both because that's kind of gross, and because the less said about the contortionist shit he had to do in order to make sex in a bathtub work, the better.

That wasn't to say he regretted it, of course – the herniated disc or four and the semen in his hair were definitely worth the loss of his virginity. Ten-out-of-ten, would cum inside again.

Pyrrha cleared her throat. "So, Miss Raven-"

"Just Raven," she grunted. "Calling me Miss makes me feel old. Do it again and I'll cut you."

Never mind that she _was _old compared to everyone else there. Still, Pyrrha nodded, both because she didn't want to get cut and because she was so nice that she couldn't help but be civil even with somebody who was incredibly delusional.

Oh, and also violent, couldn't forget that.

Man, now that he thought about it, it actually felt really good to look at a tough-as-nails, no bullshit woman like Raven and say 'Yeah, I tapped that'. Sure, she had been drunk and moaning someone else's name the entire time and also wouldn't stop asking for a finger in her ass, but Jaune wasn't about to be choosey. He was going to take what he could get.

He was also going to wash his finger with soap until the water ran red just to be safe, but that was neither here nor there.

"Right… so, mind reminding us all how you got here again?"

She shrugged. "Semblance acted up. Sent me to the wrong person. Didn't realize until the morning after because I was drunk. Why do you care?"

"Oh, I was just trying to piece together what happened last night."

Another grunt. "Shoulda just asked. First, I got hammered for the first time in years. Then, I tried to use my semblance to make a booty call, but accidentally walked in on this one-" she gestured to Jaune with her fork, "-greasing the goblin in your bathroom."

Pyrrha choked on her mouthful of oatmeal while Jaune went red-faced. "I was using the bathroom!" he protested.

"While completely naked? Yeah, I bet. Kid, I went to Beacon too, and lived with two guys – if you're in the bathroom past eleven on a weeknight while everyone is trying to sleep, it's for one reason only."

The redhead blushed. "...Right, well-"

"Mom?!"

Raven immediately froze, her eyes widening. "Oh, shit…"

Everyone else turned to see none other than Yang Xiao Long standing in the doorway to the cafeteria, looking as if she couldn't quite believe what she was seeing. Slowly, as if in a daze, she made her way over to where they were all sitting. Once she was there, she stopped, looking Raven up and down before settling on her face.

"It really is you..." she said in amazement. Slowly, her face contorted into an expression of sheer rage. "What, you thought you could just come marching back into my life after seventeen years?!"

"Actually, I didn't come back here to see you; I was just trying to get some," Raven said, before going for a sip of her coffee.

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"It means I got drunk and decided to take a portal over to your father for the night, but the alcohol messed with my semblance and dumped me next to someone else instead."

"First off: gross. Second off: who?"

Raven motioned with her head over to Jaune, who suddenly did his best to look like he wasn't there.

How come even when things went right for him, they still went wrong? Did the universe hate him or something? Apparently, every win had to come with a loss as well.

One of these days, he was going to track down whatever cosmic entity was responsible for putting him into these messes and get his revenge.

Slowly, Yang turned back to her mom.

"You're joking." Raven shook her head, and Yang frowned. "Well, at least you didn't-"

"Oh no, we did," Raven said matter-of-factly.

"What?!" Immediately, Yang whipped around to glare at Jaune, her eyes flashing red. "Jaune, you banged my mom?!"

"I didn't know she was your mom!" Jaune said frantically. "I thought she was just some random woman who appeared in my bathroom while drunk!"

"And you still decided to have sex with her?!"

That actually sounded pretty bad when she said it out loud.

"She offered! It's not like I forced her or anything! If anything, _she _forced _me_!"

Somehow, his excuse only made it sound even worse.

Raven scoffed. "Please. All I had to do was show you the goods and you were like putty in my hands."

Yang looked like she was going to be sick. "Can you not talk like that?"

"Why not? Afraid of the idea of your mom getting laid by one of your friends?"

"More like getting laid in general."

"Well, it happens. I have needs, too. Luckily I ended up in the bathroom of some horny teenager instead of some idiot I had to fight off."

Jaune had to share Yang's opinion on this one: Thinking about a mom having sex was kind of gross, if only because it reminded him of the fact that his mom was also no doubt very sexually active.

Also, you're all now wondering just how much sex your parents actually have. Here's a hint: if you have a sibling that's approximately nine months younger or older than you, they not only have a fuckton of it, they also more than likely had it on either your birthday or your sibling's birthday.

Sweet dreams.

Raven turned to Jaune. "You're welcome, by the way. Without me, you'd have been stuck with your hand for the night."

Jaune flushed red. "I was using the bathroom, okay?!"

"Keep telling everyone that, kid. Maybe eventually they'll actually believe it."

He sure hoped they did. Fucking your friend's mom was one thing, but the last thing he wanted was for anyone to ask him what kind of porn he liked.

There are some secrets that men are destined to take to their graves, and the contents of their spank bank is one of them.  
Ruby cleared her throat. "Um, what do you mean he would have been stuck with his hand?"

Everyone immediately froze. Yang's eyes flashed red, and she turned towards Raven, as if daring her mom to actually explain to her sweet, innocent younger sister just what she was trying to say. Slowly, Raven reached for her coffee mug, took a big sip, then set it down, smacking her lips slightly.

"...Well, if there was ever any doubt that you were Summer's daughter, I think it's gone now," she said.

Ruby beamed at that, apparently taking it as a compliment. Nobody had the heart to tell her that it wasn't.

Nobody except the heartless bitch that is Raven, that is.

"That wasn't a compliment, Mini-Summer. Your mom was as dense as they come. Tai probably had to give her The Talk before they could consummate their marriage on their wedding night."

"Hey!" Ruby protested.

"Okay, that's enough!" Yang shouted, slamming her hands on the table. "You show up, have drunken sex with one of my friends, insult my baby sister to her face, and you think you can just get away with it?"

"Yeah," Raven replied nonchalantly.

Okay, this whole conversation was quickly turning into an ongoing train wreck. It was like watching Blake trying to chase a laser pointer, only awkward and cringe-inducing rather than hilarious and DustTube revenue-inducing. Jaune exchanged a glance with his team, and each of them nodded, having thought the same thing. The four of them stood up and tried to walk away, only for Raven to reach over, grab Jaune by the shoulder, and force him back into his seat.

"And where do you think you're going?" Raven asked.

Jaune froze. "...Um, class?"

She scoffed. "Oh, I'm sure. You're not leaving until you've repaid me for the night we spent together."

"...You want me to pay you for sex?"

"Obviously. What, you thought a night with me would come for free?"

Yang smirked, then crossed her arms. "Asking someone to pay you for sex, Mom? Doesn't that make you a prostitute?"

"Doesn't that make you the daughter of a prostitute?" Raven asked, raising her eyebrow.

Yang's smirk faded as quickly as it came. Jaune did his best not to laugh. He probably should have felt bad, but he was just glad someone was giving Yang as much shit as she gave everyone else.

The Vomit Boy nickname hurt more than he let on, you know.

Raven turned back to Jaune. "Anyway, pay up."

"...Uh, I don't really have much of anyth-"

"Damn, that's a shame." She looked into her coffee mug, tutting when she saw it was empty. "Luckily for you, I take payment in the form of favors. So, from now on, you owe me three favors."

"T-three?!"

"One for every cumshot. You're lucky giving birth to Yang tore me up down there, otherwise we might have to worry about a kid."

"Mom!" Yang shouted, retching slightly.

Jaune was fairly sure that wasn't quite how vaginas worked, but he wasn't stupid enough to say anything.

"Yang, what's a cumshot?" Ruby asked.

"Not now, Rubes!"

Swallowing nervously, Jaune nodded. "O-okay, then. Three favors."

"Good. Next time I need something, I'll teleport over here and-" Raven paused. Suddenly, she clutched at her stomach with a groan. "...Just a minute."

As quick as possible, the older woman rose to her feet and hightailed it over to the nearest bathroom. Everyone watched her go in confusion.

"Huh," Pyrrha observed. "Guess all that breakfast food caught up to her."

Yang scoffed, crossing her arms. "Couldn't have happened to a better person, if you ask me." She turned her attention to Jaune. "And I've got a bone to pick with you, Vomit Boy. If you think you can sleep with my mom and get away with it, you've got another thing coming."

"I didn't know she was your mom!" Jaune protested.

"Doesn't change the fact that you still slept with her, and therefore I am obligated to kick your ass."

Ruby tugged on her sister's sleeve. "Didn't you tell me, Dad, and Uncle Qrow that you considered my mom to be more of a mom to you than your mom?"

"They're both my moms, okay?! I have more than one mom!"

"Your guys' family situation is _really _messed up," Weiss observed.

Jaune refrained from pointing out the inherent hypocrisy in Weiss saying something like that. It was like a White Fang member calling someone else a racist, not that he was naming names or anything. That definitely didn't apply to anyone in his group of friends, no sir.

Raven returned a minute later, wiping at the corners of her mouth. She settled down into her seat with a small groan, glaring at all her uneaten food before pushing it away.

"Eat yourself into a coma, Mom?" Yang prodded.

She was asking the wrong person that question. Jaune's tongue was still sore from the previous night.

"Fuck off," Raven growled.

Yang held up her hands. "I'm just saying, you could do with a little self-control."

"The tribe doesn't have food like this. Had to take advantage of the opportunity when it arrived."

And she most certainly had, having eaten her way through a solid third of Jaune's meal plan in a single sitting. Honestly, that alone probably could have covered the cost of their night together, not that Jaune was stupid enough to point that out.

Raven rose to her feet shakily, groaning as she did so. "Anyway, I've had it with you losers. I'm out."

"What, leaving so soon?" Yang asked. "Going to raid a village for some antacid tablets or something?"

"Fuck off, Yang. Vernal is a better daughter than you."

"That would be a lot more effective of an insult if I knew who Vernal was."

"She's you but better, because she knows her place and doesn't spend every birthday wishing for Mommy to come."

Huh, that sounded like all of Saphron's birthday parties once she turned eighteen and started having her female friends spend the night in her room, which was right next to Jaune's room...

Why did he suddenly feel like he needed to see a therapist and also vomit?

Yang's eyes widened. "How did you- _you were spying on me for that long __and never stopped in to see me__?!"_

Raven paused. "…I'm out," she said, quickly drawing her sword and cutting open a portal. "I'll be in touch, Jaune."

Yang let out a scream and lunged for her mom, only for Raven to disappear into the portal and close it before Yang could reach her, leaving the blonde leaping towards nothing. She ended up banging her head on a table before she picked herself up and dusted herself off.

"Whatever..." Yang muttered. "Didn't want her back, anyway..."

With that, the blonde skulked off, sulking the whole time. Ruby wasted no time in rushing after her sister, leaving just Weiss and Blake there with the team.

"...Right," Weiss said. "We should probably go make sure that Yang doesn't kill someone in her anger."

"Understandable," Pyrrha said. "Good luck."

With that, they left, leaving just Team JNPR and awkward silence. After a moment, Nora cleared her throat.

"So, Jauney, about those pancakes you owe me..."

Jaune groaned, then smacked his head against the table.

* * *

It was two months after the Bathroom Incident, as it had been called. Note the capital letters – there had been other bathroom incidents, such as the time when Nora tried to cook pancakes with a curling iron, but only one was known as _the _Bathroom Incident.

Anyway, Jaune was now in the shower. And no, he wasn't jerking off… anymore. He had finished a few minutes ago.

Hopefully nobody used a blacklight in the bathroom, because it was going to glow like a thousand suns in there. Shower wanks weren't his favorite, but a man had to do what a man had to do.

A shame that it had taken him so long to catch onto the fact that he could actually just jerk off in the shower, though. It made him feel like an idiot. Also kind of disgusting because he had to share the shower with two women, but at least he cleaned it up afterwards.

Anyway, it had taken a while, but he had stopped expecting Raven to pop in on him. And not because he expected her to want round two, either – he had fully expected her to come collect on those favors he owed her.

Of course, he _still _did, but he figured that she had just put them off until after he graduated from Beacon. That made the most sense; it wasn't like he could do much for her while he was still a student, especially when he was still a first-year.

With a sigh, he finished washing the soap from his body, then turned the water off. He reached for his towel, only to find that he had forgotten to sling it over the top of the shower. Exhaling softly, he cracked open the shower curtain a bit and groped blindly for the old towel that was drying on the rack next to him. Someone handed him a towel, and he muttered a small thanks before wrapping it around his head.

Then his brain caught up with the rest of him, and he peered out of the shower a tad to see what was going on. To his shock, it was none other than Raven, and she looked surprisingly bashful.

Also, very sick.

"We need to talk," she said.

Jaune blinked. "I assume you want to cash your favor?"

"In a roundabout way."

"...You couldn't have waited until I was out of the shower? I mean, it's kind of weird that you only ever seem to appear when I'm in the bathroom-"

"Jaune, I've seen you naked, and we've had sex before. Stop being a little bitch about it."

"Right..."

He dried himself, then wrapped the towel around his waist and stepped out of the shower, standing in front of her. "So, what did you want to talk about?"

"I'm pregnant," Raven said bluntly.

She said something after that, but Jaune didn't hear it, as he passed out after the first two words.

* * *

When he awoke, he found himself lying in his bed, fully dressed and surrounded by his team.

"Jaune?" Pyrrha asked, concerned.

"Ugh..." Jaune sat up, rubbing at his head, which hurt really bad for some reason. "I had the strangest dream. Raven was there, and she said she was pregnant."

"Oh, that happened," Nora interjected nonchalantly.

The blonde blinked. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Nora is correct," Ren added. "Raven appeared in the bathroom and told you she was pregnant. You passed out and hit your head on the toilet on your way down. She dressed you and brought you in here."

"Ah." He was almost afraid to ask the next part. "...And Raven is…?"

The sound of the toilet flushing caught his attention. He turned towards the bathroom and found Raven stumbling out, wiping at her mouth with a grimace.

"Damn morning sickness..." she grumbled.

On second thought, this wasn't a dream, it was a nightmare. His life was officially a visual novel, and he had just unlocked the bad ending. Jaune groaned, burying his head in his hands.

"Oh, Gods… Mom is gonna kill me..."

Suddenly, the door flew open, and Team RWBY jumped in.

"Ha! I knew it!" Yang said, pointing an accusatory finger at Raven. "My daughter senses were tingling! I knew you were here!"

Raven shuddered. "Please, never talk about any part of you tingling ever again."

"Oh, shut up! Anyway, why are you here?"

The older woman shrugged. "Oh, nothing much. I just came here to tell Jaune that I'm pregnant, and he's definitely the father."

Yang balked. "...Seriously?"

Raven raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean, 'seriously'?"

"…I mean, how can you be sure?"

Red eyes narrowed. "Are you implying what I think you're implying?"

"That depends entirely on what you think I'm implying. 'Cuz, if you think I'm calling you a whore, then yes."

Raven huffed, crossing her arms and turning away. "Whatever. And yes, I'm absolutely sure it's Jaune."

"What? How can you be sure unless-" Yang trailed off. Slowly, a smirk crossed her face. "I get it now. The reason why you tried to teleport over to Dad, the reason why you settled for Jaune, the reason why you're so certain Jaune is the father..." Her grin widened. "...You're having trouble getting some, aren't you, Raven?"

Raven grumbled angrily, but didn't reply. Yang guffawed loudly.

"No way! That's hilarious!"

"Say another word and I will cut you," Raven threatened, putting a hand on her sword.

"Go ahead, it won't bring you out of your dry spell."

"Well, she is here to see Jaune," Weiss pointed out.

"Don't remind me..." Jaune said softly. Pyrrha gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder, like the good friend she was.

She also went a bit too low and accidentally touched his nipples, but he wrote that off as her hands slipping, because what else would it have been? He wasn't dumb enough to think she had a crush on him.

Raven rolled her eyes. "Alright, that's enough. Let's go, Jaune."

Jaune raised his head to look at her. "Go?"

"Yes, go. I'm here to take you with me to the tribe."

"What?!" Pyrrha shouted. "Why?!"

Everyone looked at her strangely, but Raven shrugged. "You can't honestly expect me to raise a kid by myself."

"Why not? You didn't seem to have a problem with making Dad do it," Yang pointed out.

"...That was different."

"Different how? From where I'm standing, it's-" Yang paused. "...No way. No _fucking _way, Mom."

"What?" Blake asked, taking a break from transcribing the events unfolding before her in her smut diary for later use to actually ask a question for once.

"I've figured it out," Yang said, her voice carrying an equal mixture of disgust and awe. "This isn't about the kid at all. Mom just wants a way to keep Jaune nearby, because she's ridiculously thirsty and can't get anyone else to sleep with her."

Everyone looked at Raven with pity… except Jaune, because as bad as it sounded, being a cock concubine to a dick-thirsty bandit leader was still better than his mom finding him at this exact moment.

Mama Arc was many things, but tolerant of Jaune when he did something stupid was not one of them. He was already having flashbacks to that time he tried to take the neighbor's cat for a walk, only for it to run away.

Huh. A cat heartlessly abandoning a blonde… why did that seem so familiar?

The bandit leader growled. "Alright, fine, you figured me out," she admitted. "There, I admit it. Happy now? Turns out that nobody wants to fuck a middle-aged bandit leader who abandoned her kid, so I've got to take what I can get."

She stepped forward and grabbed Jaune by the arm, pulling him to his feet. "Come on, Jaune. Let's go."

To everyone's shock, Jaune simply nodded and followed after her.

"Jaune!" Pyrrha shouted. "Don't tell me you're actually going along with this?!"

"Well, it's not like I have a choice," Jaune said. "I can't just leave her to raise my kid on her own."

Also, again, staying risked his mom finding him, and that was a special kind of hell he didn't want to wish on anybody.

His asscheeks were still sore from the spanking he got several years ago when he had made his younger sister Janet cry by lying and telling her she was adopted, and that they were eventually going to return her. He couldn't imagine the punishment Mama Arc would give him if she found out he impregnated an older woman.

"Why not? She'll just run off and stick you with it once it's born," Yang said.

Raven scoffed. "This time will be different."

"No it won't. Don't believe her lies, Jaune."

Jaune sighed. "Guys, I appreciate all of this, but this is something I've got to do. I'm not going to leave the woman I got pregnant, and I'm not going to abandon my child."

"You're stupid," Yang said.

"Well, at least Pyrrha is with me. Right, Pyrrha?"

"I couldn't be _less _with you, Jaune!" Pyrrha shouted. "This is the dumbest thing you've ever done!"

Jaune frowned. "...Ruby, then?"

Ruby blinked, then rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. "….Uh, why is everyone talking about babies? I don't see a stork anywhere..."

Everyone gave Yang a weird look. The brawler just huffed and crossed her arms. "Oh, like any of you would be any more willing to give her The Talk than my family was."

"Pathetic," Raven said, scowling.

"You didn't give Summer The Talk," Yang pointed out.

"...Okay, point taken."

"...Alright, then," Jaune said. "Anyway, I'll be seeing you all later."

"Bye, fearless leader!" Nora called out. "Remember to use a rubber next time!"

Jaune had just enough time to hear Ruby ask what rubber gloves had to do with anything before he stepped into the portal, ready to start his new life.

* * *

And what a life it was.

"Jaune, we're out of diapers again."

Jaune groaned, bringing a hand up to his face. "I told you to grab some during the last raid."

"There's just one problem with that," Raven began.

Jaune leaned in expectantly, desperately wanting an answer as to why his baby momma had refrained from picking up something so crucial.

"...I forgot," she finally finished.

Jaune groaned tiredly. Whipping around, he locked eyes with Vernal. "Give me your shirt."

"Fuck you," Vernal replied. "Just because Raven is the leader and she let you nut inside her doesn't mean I have to listen to you."

"Would you rather listen to Robin cry for however long it takes Shay D. Mann to get some diapers?"

Robin, of course, was their kid. She was cute as a button – she had Jaune's blonde hair but Raven's red eyes. Jaune honestly loved her, even if she could be kind of a pain in the ass and was also the reason why he was now living in a bandit camp instead of at Beacon.

But at least Raven was personally training him.

Not for a good reason, mind – she just wanted to keep her sole source of penis in the world alive, which was going to be hard to do if he couldn't even stand up to basic Grimm.

Vernal, meanwhile, frowned. "Read my lips: you're not getting my fucking shirt."

"Please," Jaune said, taking a step forward and placing a hand on his sword, "do not cuss in front of the baby."

Vernal sneered at him. "What, you gonna try to attack me? That's a fight you know you can't win."

Jaune raised an eyebrow. "You really want to be the one to risk injuring Raven's man?"

Immediately, Vernal's expression fell. Wordlessly, she looked over to her leader, who just shrugged.

"He's got a point," Raven said, though her attention was split between listening to them bicker and doing something on her scroll.

"Wha… but I… Y-you can't do this!" Vernal said, turning back to Jaune. "I'm the Spring Maiden!"

"Yeah, I don't know what that is," Jaune replied. "Explain why I should care."

"You shouldn't," Raven grunted. "She's trying to pull rank on you when she isn't even the person who holds that rank in the first place."

Vernal looked downright shocked. "Raven!"

"What? Don't look at me, you're the one who tried to lie. If you were my daughter, I'd bend you over my knee for that."

"B-but..." Vernal sniffled. "...I… I thought I was… y-you were my mother figure..."

Raven waved a hand dismissively. "Whatever you say, Mommy Issues."

"You trained me yourself! I'm your second-in-command!"

"Third-in-command now," Jaune interrupted. "And I still need your shirt, please."

Vernal wiped at her eyes. "F-fu-"

"Please don't cuss."

"...Frick you, Jaune! You're not my real dad!"

"And Raven's not your real mom. Now, your shirt?"

Reluctantly, Vernal peeled off her shirt before handing it to Jaune, who nodded appreciatively before tying it into a diaper and placing it on his daughter. Vernal watched the whole thing with a mortified expression, one which went ignored by Jaune.

She was a complete kiss-ass, and he had no sympathy for kiss-asses, especially when they were trying to kiss Raven's ass, both because they should have known better and because he was the only one who got to do that.

Hey, he may have been stuck in this situation, but he was going to take advantage of the free poon while he could… which probably wasn't that long, given Raven's age.

One of the downsides of banging a MILF, he supposed.

His work now done, Jaune picked up his daughter and carried her over to the makeshift crib in the tent, gently laying her down before pulling the blanket up to cover her. Humming a lullaby, he gently rocked her to sleep before turning to Raven, a scowl on his face.

"You could help, you know."

"But you do such a good job of it," Raven replied, not taking her eyes off her scroll. "Why would I get in the way of that?"

Jaune rolled his eyes. "What's on your scroll, anyway?"

"Mind your own business, that's what."

Well, if she was going to be like that…

"Fine, then I guess I just won't sleep with you tonight."

Raven chuckled. "Oh, please. Like you have a choice in it."

"...You know, even in a backwoods hick country like Mistral, I still have a strong case for sexual assault going here."

"You realize I can just kill the judge, right?"

Well, she had him by the balls there… which meant she was also going to have him by the balls later, in a much more literal sense. Sighing, Jaune slumped down into a nearby chair.

This was his life now, unfortunately.

* * *

"Jaune, wake up."

"Wha-" the blonde said, cracking both eyes open. "Vernal…? What's going on?"

"It's Raven," Vernal replied, urgency in her voice. "She left."

Jaune blinked. "Left?"

"Yeah, left. She said she was going out to buy milk and cigarettes, but that was hours ago."

Well, shit. Obviously she was lying; Raven was a bandit leader and didn't know the meaning of the word 'buy'.

Oh, and it shouldn't have taken her that long.

Jaune blinked. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I figured you'd know where she went, idiot!"

"Why would I-"

Vernal facepalmed. "Just check your scroll."

Sighing, Jaune did as he was told, reaching for his nearby scroll. Opening it, he found a few unread messages.

_Mom: It's been almost a year, where the fuck are you? You're grounded when you get home, mister!_

Delete; he wasn't about to open that can of worms.

_Yang: i'm still gunna kick ur ass_

Delete; he was far away from her with no intention of going back, and he already dealt with enough mommy issues from Vernal.

_Blake: Jaune, I'm writing a book, and I need you to go into detail about your sex life so-_

Delete; his sex life would stay between him, Raven, and the camp, since the tent had no soundproofing at all.

_Pyrrha: Does this string bikini make me look fat?  
_

Delete. She was obviously fishing for a compliment because she looked amazing in that bikini and she clearly knew it, and Jaune got enough narcissism dealing with the mother of his kid every day.

_Weiss: I demand more baby pictures of a cute nature and in a timely manner._

Delete; he had sent her three-dozen the day before. She had a problem, and the last thing he should be doing was indulging her.

_Ruby: Please come back :( I miss u_

Delete; he'd like to come back, but until he established what was going on, he was currently being held hostage by a cock-crazy MILF, so that was a bit out of the question.

_Ren: Just a question, but do you know anything about Kuroyuri?_

Delete; Jaune wasn't about to talk bad about Ren, but the man had some weird hobbies. He wasn't sure what the 'kuro' part meant, but that porn stash under Ren's mattress told him everything he needed to know about the 'yuri' bit, and he wanted no part of it.

_Nora: You missed a really epic food fight._

Delete; the mere act of reading that message saddened him enough to shorten his lifespan by a few years.

Finally, he came to the last unread message, which happened to be from Raven.

_Raven: I found another source of dick thanks to this dating app I've been using, so I'm leaving you with the kid._

Frowning, Jaune typed out a message.

_Jaune: Who is it?  
_

_Raven: That's what you care about? Really?  
_

_Jaune: Just tell me._

_Raven: Some farm boy in Mistral. Does it matter?  
_

_Jaune: Just making sure he actually exists._

_Raven: Fuck you._

_Jaune: Not anymore, apparently. So, what now?  
_

_Raven: I don't care. You're in charge, or whatever. Have a nice life._

With that, the messages stopped. Jaune stared at his scroll for a few seconds in silence, trying to comprehend what had just happened.

Slowly, a grin began to grow across his face.

"Well, looks like I'm in charge," he announced loudly.

Vernal's jaw dropped. "W-what?! B-but Raven said I would get to be-"

"Cheer up, Vernal – you can be the lead babysitter. Isn't that nice of me?"

"Jaune, please listen-"

He didn't. Instead, he pushed past her, stepping out into the camp. Cupping his hands around his mouth, he spoke.

"Alright you lot, listen up! Raven's left for good, so I'm in charge, and that means there's gonna be some changes around here!" he shouted. "From now on, you are all my personal lackeys, so I have this to say."

Everyone looked at him. He cleared his throat, then pointed to the blacksmith.

"Fuck you."

He pointed to the chef.

"Fuck you."

He pointed to one of the guards.

"Fuck you."

He pointed to Shay D. Mann.

"You're cool."

Shay D. Mann gave him a thumbs up. He pointed to Vernal.

"And fuck you, I'm out!"

With that, he mimed dropping a mic. Turning around, he stepped back into his tent and picked up Robin, then turned to walk out, only to be stopped by Vernal, who stood in front of him with her arms folded.

"So, you're just leaving?" she asked.

"Uh, yeah? Why would I stay?"

"So, who's leader, then?"

"Well, I am."

"…But you're leaving."

"Hey, Raven named me leader, so I've decided that I'm going to rule all of you by absentee. If you have a problem, take it up with her."

"How about no? I'll just take over-"

"Actually, no, you're coming with me." At her stunned expression, he added, "Lead babysitter, remember?"

"Well, why don't I just kill you?" Vernal questioned, pointing her weapon at him.

"And what if this Mistralian farmboy thing doesn't work out? Raven could be getting catfished for all we know. She'll need a backup dick if that's the case, and you know there's only one option there."

"...Gods dammit," Vernal sighed. Slowly, she lowered her weapon. "Alright, fine, I guess I'm going with you."

"Awesome." Jaune paused, sniffing the air, his nose crinkling in disgust. "...Before we set off back towards Beacon so I can re-enroll, we're out of diapers, so I'm gonna need your shirt again."

Vernal's scream of rage echoed through the wilderness for miles.

* * *

_Where are they now?_

_['Don't You Forget About Me' starts playing in the background as still images of each character appear.]  
_

_Jaune Arc: _Re-enrolled in Beacon Academy after a year-long absence. Was initially turned away due to said absence before Professor Goodwitch intervened on his behalf, declaring that if she didn't get to see his baby on a daily basis that she would throw Ozpin out of his office window. Eventually became a strong Huntsman and a great dad, though he was forced to dodge his mom for years. Continues to hope that child support will eventually come in the mail, even though it never will.

_Raven Branwen: _Was arrested for statutory rape. Insisted that it was consensual; nobody bought it, as the lawyer for the state managed to successfully convince the jury that nobody would willingly sleep with her. Has since been released from prison and forced to register as a sex offender. Went on to disappear somewhere in Atlas; authorities believe she may have moved on to Whitley Schnee, but these rumors are currently unsubstantiated.

_Yang Xiao Long: _Died in a motorcycle accident during her second year in Beacon. Went to her grave proclaiming that she was right and that her mom was a bitch and also a thot.

_Pyrrha Nikos: _Stayed an incredibly thirsty old maid until she died alone at the age of seventy-four. Was found in bed cuddling a faded and heavily stained body pillow of her old partner. The body pillow was removed by a HAZMAT team and disposed of in an incinerator.

_Ruby Rose: _Finally got The Talk when she turned thirty.

_Lie Ren: _Eventually married his true love, Velvet Scarlatina. Nobody realized they were a thing until the wedding.

_Nora Valkyrie: _Eventually married her true love, Beacon's resident pancake chef. Nobody was surprised.

_Taiyang Xiao Long: _Still planting some seeds… in his garden, that is.

_Zwei: _STILL.

TOO.

DANK.

_Everyone else: _Who gives a shit?

_['Don't You Forget About Me' increases in volume as credits rapidly scroll across the screen.]_

_Host: Obsequium Minaris_

_Executive Producer: Glynda Goodwitch_

_Director: Mercury Black_

_Assistant Director: Emerald Sustrai_

_Dialogue Coach: Neo Politan_

_Camera Operator: Salem Ozpin_

_Grip: Scarlet David_

_Focus: Cinder Fall_

_Costume: Coco Adel_

_Colorist: Summer Rose_

_Makeup: Roman Torchwick_

_Hairdresser: Shopkeep A. Bald_

_Safety Adviser: Neptune Vasilias_

_Sound Effects Engineer: Flynt Coal_

_Foley: Ozpin Ozpin_

_Camera Operator: Velvet Scarlatina_

_Gaffer: Cardin Winchester_

_Best Boy: Qrow Branwen_

_Worst Boy: Adam Taurus_

_Pizza Boy: Sun Wukong_

_Lonely MILF Housewife: Kali Belladonna_

_Lead Fluffer: Winter Schnee_

_Backup Fluffer: Obsequium Minaris_

_Cast_

_Jaune Arc: As himself_

_Raven Branwen: As herself_

_Robin Arc: As herself_

_Vernal: As herself_

_Roman Torchwick: As himself_

_Pyrrha Nikos: As herself_

_Lie Ren: As himself_

_Nora Valkyrie: As herself_

_Ruby Rose: As herself_

_Yang Xiao Long: As herself_

_Whitley Schnee: As Weiss Schnee_

_Blake Belladonna: As herself_

…

'_Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls' will return in, 'Chapter 5: Sienna, or: Snake Eye of the Tiger'._

* * *

**There it is, the dumbest ending I've ever written. I promise I won't write anything this stupid ever again.**

**Also, holy fuck this thing got way out of hand. I didn't intend for it to be this long, but here we are, I suppose. This is almost as long as a standard-length chapter for _The Seventh Circle _(my other fic)_, _let that sink in.**

**Anyway, besides all that, someone wanted to know if I was going to do a chapter on the Malachite Twins, and if so, if I was going to do them together or separately. Normally I would reply to this via PM, but they're a guest and I can't do that, so I'll just reply to it here: Yes, I will eventually do a chapter on the Malachites when inspiration for them strikes, which could be the next chapter or could be ten chapters from now depending on how my muse feels. And as for the second part of that question… well, the working title for that chapter is something along the lines of 'Sharing Is Not Caring', so you can probably use your imagination.**

**Also, please don't take this response as an invitation to make requests. I love and appreciate the hell out of you guys, but I will do characters when inspiration strikes, and not a second sooner. Requesting characters will not change that, and I'd appreciate it if you refrained from doing so. Requests for me to do a certain character will be met with refusal and "It's done when it's done".**

**Anyway, I suppose now would be a good time to ask a few questions of you guys. For one, would you all be interested in possible Part 2s for certain characters? Like, if I felt a character would be worth revisiting/continuing the plotline of their first entry, would you be open to it? Obviously, this wouldn't happen until much later on, but is this something you would like to see?**

**For another, would you be interested in Rule 63/genderswap versions of male characters? I wouldn't do it for every male character, but there are a few that I think have potential. Again, I wouldn't do this until much later, but if it's something you'd like to see, I'd be willing to give it a shot.**

**Anyway, just let me know how you feel about those.**

**Until then, I've got nothing else.**

**Next update: Saturday, January 25.**


	5. Snake Eye of the Tiger

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 5: Sienna, or: Snake Eye of the Tiger

* * *

Jaune Arc had many regrets in his life. There was that time he had let Saphron pick out some clothes for him when he was six, and she had ended up getting him a dress (she still liked to show people the pictures). There was that time Yang had dared him to sneak a sip from Ozpin's coffee mug (he woke up on top of the CCT the next morning). There was also that time Ruby had asked him to take Zwei out for a walk, and the corgi had immediately tried to chase after a squirrel, bringing him along for the ride until they reached the Emerald Forest (Zwei, of course, emerged unscathed; Jaune, meanwhile, was bitten in the ass by an Ursa and required many, many stitches).

But among all of them, the one that stood out the most was that time he had decided to celebrate acing a big test in Oobleck's class by going out for drinks with Yang. He had no idea why he thought this was a good idea – any situation he got into with Yang tended to end horribly for him – but he had done it. And for the first couple of drinks, things had been okay; he had probably had a bit too much to drink, but it wasn't anything he couldn't sleep off.

Then she had challenged him to a drinking contest, and unfortunately for him, Arcs never backed down from a challenge.

That wasn't the correct family motto, but he was already pretty toasted by that point and it sounded close enough, so he decided to just roll with it.

He immediately regretted all his drinking when he woke up in the morning only to find himself naked, with a mysterious and equally-naked woman draped over him, drooling on his chest.

Jaune blinked, just in time to feel his hangover hit him. The events of the previous night came rushing back… at least, those he could remember, which is to say they started with him and Yang arriving at Junior's, and ended with him downing his sixth shot of cinnamon whiskey.

That stuff was straight nasty, by the way. It also burned all the way down. Never again.

The woman mumbled in her sleep and nuzzled into his chest, and Jaune froze as the gravity of this situation hit him. He was hungover, recovering from getting blackout drunk the night before. He was naked, with his clothes draped all over the room. There were miscellaneous fluids covering his entire lower body, and they were all quite sticky. Finally, there was a strange woman draped over him, apparently having spent the night with him if their mutual nudity was any indicator.

_Mom's gonna kill me._

At least he wouldn't die a virgin. Unfortunately, he couldn't actually remember anything that had happened, but judging by the state the room was in, it must have been good.

_I hope I didn't sign into this place with my real name or credit card, because there's no way I can afford to pay for this kind of damage._

Pushing that slightly disturbing thought from his mind, he turned his attention to the woman lying over his chest. She was… actually pretty hot. Huh. Well, that was certainly a good confidence boost; either he was more attractive or more suave than he thought, because this woman was easily out of his league.

Or she had been just as drunk as he had been, but that wasn't as nice to think about, so he ignored it.

Anyway, she was really hot. Definitely much older than him – probably close to Professor Goodwitch's age, if he had to guess – but admittedly, he wasn't one to consider that a negative, though he refrained from letting anybody else know about it because they would never, _ever _let him live it down.

They had already figured out his fetish for Faunus women, and that was bad enough. Blake was still giving him the stink eye whenever she saw him.

In his defense, they were the ones who had stolen his scroll and looked through his browser history. He was a seventeen-year-old teenage boy, what the fuck did they think they were going to find in there? Frankly, they were just lucky he wasn't in a relationship with anyone, otherwise they might have gotten his dick pics instead of just his browser history.

Speaking of, why did people even take dick pics? Did they really think the girl they were sending them to was going to masturbate to them instead of just use them for blackmail? Fucking stupid.

Anyway, speaking of Faunus women, this woman was one. By the looks of things, she was a tiger Faunus – she had the ears and the stripes to prove it. Weird, since he thought Faunus only had one trait, but he wasn't going to complain since she was totally rocking that look, holy hot damn he was a lucky, lucky man.

He was going to have to figure out what he did to get her into his bed, because this was absolutely too perfect. Whatever it was, it must have been good.

She began to stir, letting out a little murmur. After a few seconds, she sat up, yawning cutely before cracking open her eyes. Seeing him, she froze. Then, to his relief, she smiled, wrapped her arms around his neck, and pulled him in, nuzzling his cheek with her own.

"'Morning~" she said.

Okay, was he really awake, or was he still dreaming? Did he die and make it to the afterlife? Was this a glitch in the system, and he was about to wake up in Zion? This was almost too good to be true.

"'Morning, yourself," he replied. "So, uh… what happened last night?"

She looked at him in surprise. "You don't remember?"

"Ah, no. I was… a little drunk."

He winced. Hopefully, that wasn't a deal-breaker; this woman was basically his dream girl just in appearance alone, and it would suck to not only be incapable of remembering the night they had spent together, but to also never get to experience another with her.

To his relief, she giggled. "Yeah, I could tell." She stretched out a bit before lying down against him, idly tracing circles over his chest with one finger. "Anyway, you stumbled into my safe house by mistake."

Jaune instantly paused. Safe house? That was a bit of a weird thing to say.

"Ah, your safe house?"

"Yes, my safe house. My guards were ready to shoot you on sight."

Guards, too? This was just getting weirder. "Uh-huh. And, ah, how did I manage to avoid that?"

She smirked, then leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. "Oh, you were amazing! When you saw we were all Faunus, you proceeded to inform us that you were also a Faunus!"  
_And there's the catch__. _"I did?"

She nodded. "Yeah. You said we couldn't see your trait – apparently, it was in a weird spot." Her smirk turned lecherous. "Though I think it's safe to say with how big you are that you've got at least a little rhinoceros or elephant in you."

He would be a lot more willing to take the compliment if doing so wouldn't dig him an even deeper hole than he was already in. Instead, he nodded, numb. "And then…?"

"Then, you proceeded to launch into an impassioned speech about Faunus rights. It was… it was _breathtaking. _I've never heard anything so beautiful in my life." She sighed fondly.

"I knew then and there that I had to have you by my side. I offered you a spot, and you accepted. Then, I invited you back to my room to finalize our agreement. And now, here we are."

"Your group…?"

She grinned widely. "Don't act like you don't know. I'm the leader of the White Fang, Sienna Khan. And you are now my second-in-command."

It took a moment for the full weight of her statement to register. When it did, Jaune had only three words to say.

"Oh, fuck me."

Sienna took it as an invitation. Jaune didn't stop her.

If he was going to die because he lied to Remnant's worst group of terrorists, he was at least going to do it with empty balls.

* * *

Sometimes, Jaune had to wonder how he got himself into these messes. The initial part was understandable enough – he made the mistake of getting plastered and had paid the price for it (though at least he had gotten laid). Everything past that was still a mystery. Like, say, his current situation.

That being, sitting in on a White Fang meeting alongside Sienna.

Jaune blinked, looking out over the assembled crowd. They all glared back at him. Slowly, he leaned over to whisper in Sienna's ear.

"Why am I here?"

"Because you're my second-in-command," she replied.

Oh yeah, right. Unfortunately. "...I don't think they like me very much."

"They just don't know anything about you. Give it time; they'll come around."

"...I don't think that's the reason, Sienna."

She gave him a sideways glance. "Jaune, are you seriously trying to pull that whole 'I'm a human' prank again, now of all times?"

That was also a thing. At some point, he had come clean to Sienna, telling her that he was actually a human. It had been done for a few reasons – first to clear his conscience, since as hot as Sienna was he didn't want to be in a relationship if it was based on such a big lie, and second because he was honestly afraid if he dug himself too deep that it would end up with him being murdered or something. So, he had nutted up, set up a meeting with Sienna, and confessed everything to her.

And she hadn't believed him.

That hadn't been the expected result, so Jaune tried again later. This time, he brought along a picture of his family, along with a copy of his family tree, in order to help prove to her that he was actually a human, just so this whole charade could end.

Again, she had refused to believe him.

By that point, Jaune had gotten fed up with it and decided to stop messing around. He went out and got a DNA test, therefore conclusively proving beyond any reasonable doubt that he was a hundred percent human, that there wasn't a single drop of Faunus blood in him, and that Sienna should stop sending him nude pictures of herself already because it was never going to work between them.

She had replied by telling him that his joke, while funny the first two times, had gotten stale, and that he needed better material.

And now he was here. When she had invited him over to her safe house, he had done so intending to break up with her… not that it was much of a break-up; past their first night of drunken debauchery together, there hadn't been any hints of a relationship beyond her sending him naked pictures of herself. Imagine his surprise when a whole bunch of dangerous-looking Faunus started to show up.

It had taken just a few minutes before the house had gone from 'safe' to a proverbial (and, though he would never say so aloud, somewhat literal) kennel filled with rabid dogs, and Jaune didn't need to guess about whether or not he was stuck in it and wearing bacon pants; the looks he was being given answered that question for him easily enough.

Sienna clapped her hands together. "Right, everyone is here. Now we can get started. First order of business: our recent raids on the SDC. Does anyone have anything to report?"

Jaune had honestly forgotten that Sienna was the one ordering terrorist activities to be done. It was hard to imagine her demanding violence be committed when his scroll had several dozen pictures of her flashing her cooch to him.

A big guy in the back raised his hand, and Sienna motioned towards him. He stood up, and in a loud, booming voice, asked, "What's with the human?"

Sienna scowled. "I don't know what you're talking about, Banesaw."

_Banesaw? _Okay, he got that the White Fang was a terrorist group, but that was just cartoonishly evil. What next, Death Guy? Mister Kill? How about Captain Murder?

Banesaw returned her scowl, motioning to Jaune. "That human, right there. What's he doing here?"

"That 'human' is Jaune Arc," Sienna replied. "And you would do well to remember his name, as he is my new second-in-command."

"What?!" came a voice from the back of the crowd. Squinting, Jaune could make out a mop of red hair, adorned with twin horns.

"You heard me, Adam. Jaune is now second-in-command. Consider it your demotion for letting Ghira's daughter run away instead of bringing her home."

"That's impossible! He's a human; he can't be in the White Fang!"

"I assure you, he's no human."

Jaune was tempted to correct her almost every time she insisted on that point. This was the one exception, because he very much liked being alive.

Just this once, he prayed to whatever gods existed that Sienna continued to play dumb.

"Oh, yeah? Then what's his Faunus trait?"

"He'd show you, but it wouldn't end well."

"And why is that? It sounds to me like you're just trying to cover for him. If this is your idea of a prank-"

"It's not. His trait is just in a spot that cannot be shown. You see, if I were to reveal it to you, it would end badly – all the women here would swoon, and all the men would feel really self-conscious."

"That's ridiculous," Adam growled, placing a hand on his sword. To Jaune's horror, a few others, Banesaw included, did the same. "If you can't even show us his trait, then we'll just have to assume that he's a human, and you're a race traitor."

Sienna pinched the bridge of her nose, exhaling sharply. "You know what? Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you."

Then, before Jaune could stop her, she reached over and pulled his pants down to his ankles.

The crowd's reaction was instant. Everyone's eyes widened in shock. A fierce blush crept across the faces of most of the women (and, Jaune noted with a bit of discomfort, a few of the men), and they began to fidget in place while sighing softly. The majority of the men, meanwhile, looked away, grumbling under their breath. The one exception was Adam, who was staring in disbelief.

An evil thought crept into Jaune's head. It was needlessly cruel, but Adam had just tried to have him and Sienna killed. If Jaune could take him down a peg, he would.

"What? Doesn't yours get smaller when it's cold, too?" Jaune asked to Adam.

Immediately, the bull Faunus bared his teeth in anger, though he did drop his hand from the hilt of his sword. "Fine," he acquiesced.

He said something else, something that sounded suspiciously like 'Three inches isn't that small', but Jaune was too far away to make it out with complete certainty.

That didn't stop him from feeling smug about it, though. Something about Adam just rubbed him the wrong way, and not just because the bull Faunus had just tried to have him and Sienna killed. Maybe it was the edgy outfit or the stupid mask he was wearing, but Adam just seemed like a complete psycho. He was honestly about two steps away from being a crazy terrorist to being a crazy ex-boyfriend to some poor girl, whom he had traumatized so much that he had essentially turned her gay, only she didn't realize it yet so there was going to be some stupid-ass forced love triangle with another guy that nobody cared about for a while until it just sort of ended. And then Adam's ex and her new girlfriend would get together and double-penetrate him with their broken swords of thinly-veiled homosexuality before pitching him over a cliff like the garbage he was, and nobody would care that he died because does anyone even like Adam, even as a bad guy? Seriously, the girl from Haven was more compelling than him, and he still wasn't sure what her deal was other than she loved to light things on fire and the way she spoke sounded like someone was constantly eating her out.

Sienna cleared her throat, a luminescent blush on her face. She wiped a bit of drool from her face, then spoke. "A-as you can see, Jaune is clearly either a rhinoceros or elephant Faunus – he isn't sure; his family has a very mixed heritage."

Okay, now she was just telling complete lies. Did she even believe what she was saying? Was she just in really deep denial? He had no way of knowing for sure. Still, it was keeping Jaune alive and making Adam look like a bitch, so he would accept it.

"In any case, he is clearly one of us. I trust that there will be no further objections to his inclusion here?"

Most people shook their heads. The one exception was Banesaw, though even he looked unsure.

"How do we know he isn't just a human with a big dick?" Banesaw asked.

Sienna growled. "Now, you listen here," she began. "I first met Jaune Arc when he stumbled into my safehouse a few weeks ago. I too mistook him for a human, to the point where I almost had him killed. And let me just say, after he stopped crying, Jaune was completely fearless. He revealed that he was actually a Faunus, and even when faced with overwhelming doubt, he refused to break. He was staring down the barrel of a gun and certain death, and you know what he did? He gave the most beautiful, breathtaking speech I have ever heard about Faunus rights."

She looped a hand around his waist. Jaune noted that she was suspiciously close to copping a feel. "I know Jaune Arc better than everyone here. It is my opinion that he is the most brilliant, most uncompromising, most militant Faunus I have ever encountered in my life. If he isn't fit to serve as my second-in-command, then who is?"

By this point, the crowd was looking much more uncertain. Even Banesaw seemed to be regretting what he said.

Jaune, meanwhile, was simply trying to keep himself from sweating through his hoodie.

Easier said than done when you're not only lying to an entire crowd of people who could easily kill you if they found out, but you're also doing so with your dick out, and are next to a very pretty woman who keeps trying to grope you while speaking.

Seriously, this was almost as awkward as that time Cardin stole his clothes and towel while he was using the gym showers, forcing him to walk out naked.

At least Pyrrha wasn't around to see this time. Poor girl; that had been a really bad nosebleed. Hopefully she didn't secretly have hemophilia or something.

Sienna waved an arm out over the crowd. "I ask you, is there anyone among you who still doubts this young man? If so, speak now! Speak, and make your voice heard, so that he may prove you wrong the same way he proved me wrong!"

Hopefully not the exact same way; some of these people were beyond saving even with beer goggles, like that spider Faunus in the back.

He may have had a Faunus fetish, but he drew the line at banging a spider-girl. For all he knew, she was into some pretty fucked-up bondage stuff.

_Why does that sound like part of the plot of an utterly sinful anime?_

At least there were no fish Faunus with a fetish for NTR present in the crowd, at least as far as he could tell. Truly the worst girl, by the way.

Out in the crowd, nobody spoke. Silence reigned over the room. A smug grin crossed Sienna's face.

Then, quietly, a voice spoke up.

"Arc! Arc! Arc!"

Jaune blinked, surprised. So did everyone else.

Then more people joined in. Soon enough, they were all chanting his name. Jaune noticed he was still exposed and quickly pulled his pants up, though he had to fend off Sienna's prowling hand as he did so. Relieved, he allowed himself to bask in the (highly undeserved) glory.

And then the chant changed to something much less confidence-building.

"Speech! Speech! Speech!"

His smile faded. He looked to Sienna for guidance, but she simply nodded, waving out to the crowd. Clearly, she was intent on encouraging this madness. Jaune swallowed nervously, then took a step forward.

_Okay, Jaune. You're all alone, surrounded by a room full of people who were willing to kill you until they saw your penis. They now want you to give a speech. You haven't rehearsed, you're socially awkward, your cock was just out, and you got a C in public speaking class last semester. _

_Act. Natural._

Jaune cleared his throat. The crowd quickly died down, looking at him expectantly. Again, he cleared his throat.

He wasn't sure what had been a worse idea: wearing a hoodie or pulling his pants back up. Either way, he was sweating so much by now that the inside of his pants felt like he was swimming in testicle soup.

But there were no other options than to run with it. These people were demanding a speech, and that meant they were gonna get one.

"Right..." he began. "So… my dad always used to say that there were two kinds of people in this world: the people who got pissed off, and the people who got pissed on.

Granted, he used to say this while he was really drunk, but still…

"Anyway, he once told me, 'Jaune, life is gonna piss all over you. Live long enough and eventually you're gonna get pissed on real bad. The only question is what you do afterwards. You can either take it like a bitch, or you can be a man and get pissed off and mad about it'.

"Looking out over this crowd, I can see that we've all spent our entire lives being pissed on. Well, no more! Now's the time we get pissed off! We're covered in piss, and we're pissed about it! And we're gonna make sure humanity knows it! We're gonna take to the streets and piss on them for a change! Who's with me?!"

A loud cheer erupted among everyone in the room. Jaune nodded in understanding.

_Holy shit, I can't believe that worked. I just completely made all that up as I went._

He turned to his side and found Sienna grinning widely at him. "Well, it was a bit more low-brow than usual, but we can work on that. At least you know how to work a crowd."  
He most certainly did, by the looks of things. Apparently a few of them had taken his advice a bit too literally, as they were now taking out pictures of the Schnee family, and-

_I didn't need to see that._

"...You're going to discuss their, ah, 'methods' with them, right?"

"Yes." Sienna frowned. "But that can come later. For now, I think it would be best if we gave them some time alone."

Looking out over the crowd, Jaune was inclined to agree.

* * *

Waking up, Jaune rubbed the sleep from his eyes with a sigh. Glancing over at the clock, he saw that it was just past nine – a bit late for him to wake up, even on a Saturday, but Sienna had really worn him out last night.

Normally, it would have felt wrong for him to enter a relationship with somebody built on such a huge lie… but was it really still a lie if he tried to tell her the truth multiple times, and she simply refused to believe him no matter how much he insisted he wasn't lying? Seriously, it was like she was actively incapable of admitting that he was a human, presumably because then she would have to face the fact that there was actually a human in the world that she liked.

Well, he wasn't going to complain. The White Fang could pound sand for all he cared.

What was the deal with the White Fang, anyway? They claimed to be fighting oppression and all that shit, but was there even anything that bad in Vale? Like, he could maybe understand Atlas or Mistral, but Vale? Really? And for that matter things still didn't seem all that bad - it wasn't like they were being hunted down and lynched or anything like that. Hell, Jacques Schnee himself apparently hired Faunus to work in his mansion, and he was quite fucking literally the CEO of racism. Honestly, the whole thing just seemed like a thinly-veiled excuse to kill people and cause property damage. It was almost like it was a shitty story element designed purely to cause melodrama, but that was ridiculous because he wasn't in a story.

Every with Sienna was too fucking crazy to be anything but absolutely real.

Speaking of Sienna, he had to admit that he had neglected to spend a lot of time with her recently... outside of bed, that is. It was tough, trying to balance a relationship alongside his life at Beacon – so far, he had been limited to seeing her on weekends. Conveniently, this left him out of most of the White Fang's meetings, though none of them seemed to mind.

Of course, it also helped that he was actively unhelpful to them whenever they were actually in a meeting. It wasn't as if he wasn't sympathetic to their cause, but terrorism was where he drew the line, both because he didn't want anyone to get hurt and because he was too pretty to go to prison – he had read about prison, and it wasn't fun. They would eat him alive in there, both in the figurative and literal sense, if you catch his drift.

That hadn't stopped Sienna from trying to get him involved anyway, but she had at least taken a break after her last attempt.

"_Okay, we've got an SDC warehouse we need to hit. It's carrying a contingent of guards, multiple Atlesian Knights, and at least one Specialist on-staff. What do you suggest, Jaune?"_

"_Why are you asking me?! I want no part of this!"_

"_Jaune, I understand that you're nervous-"_

"_Nervous, nothing! I'm not a criminal!"  
_

_She laughed, clapping him on the back. "Oh, you're so silly! Everyone else here thinks so, too!"_

_She was the only one laughing out of everyone at the table, so he somehow doubted that._

_Sienna wiped a tear from her eye, then turned back to him, her smile fading slightly. "Okay, seriously. What do you suggest?"_

"_...You're really gonna make me do this?"_

"_That depends on if you like having sex or not."_

_Let's see, a few lives or never having sex with her again? Damn, she had him there. "...Okay, uh… What if – and hear me out on this – we create a diversion, then sneak in and steal the Dust without anyone noticing? That way nobody gets hurt, there's no risk of us losing men, and it looks even more embarrassing because the Dust was stolen right from beneath them."_

"_A stealth approach, huh? That'd be a first. What'd you have in mind?"_

"_This is going to sound crazy, but just give it a chance..."  
_

And that was the story of how Operation Create-A-Giant-Fake-Beowolf-And-Stuff-Like-Eight-Dudes-Inside-And-Then-Deliver-It-To-The-Front-Door-So-They-Bring-It-Inside-And-Leave-It-Unattended-And-Our-Guys-Jump-Out-And-Sneak-In-Then-Steal-Everything-Not-Nailed-Down started.

Needless to say, it was a colossal failure. It was as unfortunate as it was unforeseen. Jaune definitely hadn't intended for it to fail, no sir.

Funnily enough, despite that failure, it was still a bigger success than most of the White Fang's operations, mainly because most of those operations were being run by Adam, who was a complete tool who only cared about his ex.

Hey, what do you know? Jaune was right again. Turns out Adam was never anything more than a psycho ex-boyfriend. Amazing how he could have mistaken him for anything else when he kept ranting about how he was going to destroy everything his girlfriend loved when he thought nobody was listening.

Man, what a tool.

That being said, it was actually a miracle how nobody in the White Fang had tried to murder Jaune yet for his continued failures. He understood that the White Fang was basically the short bus of terrorist groups, but even they had to have a limit to how much incompetence they could tolerate.

...Or maybe not, considering those two pederast-looking guys walking around in robes and acting like the group was their religion were still running around acting like idiots. Luckily they stayed far away from him - the last thing Jaune wanted was to step into Sienna's headquarters and find one of them with a ten-year-old glued to their crotch.

Anyway, what was he talking about? Spending time with Sienna? Yeah, he hadn't really spent any time with Sienna aside from when they met up for sex. Perhaps he should change that?

He glanced down at the woman resting her head against his bare chest, his expression softening. Softly, he ran a hand through her hair, being careful to avoid her ears. Sure, she was a terrorist who routinely orchestrated the deaths of innocent people. Sure, she had deluded himself into thinking he was a Faunus and therefore the whole relationship was based on a lie. But you know what? Nobody was perfect. Even bad girls deserved love.

Or, in this case, _really _bad girls who routinely ordered the deaths of innocent people, and who would likely kill him herself if she ever decided to stop being in denial.

But she was smoking hot and down to fuck, so it was okay.

He would just have to be careful not to let his mom find out, because that would not go over well; Saphron had once brought home a girl with a history of misdemeanors and his mom had chased her off with his dad's shotgun, so it didn't take much to imagine what she would do if she found out her only son was dating Remnant's most wanted terrorist.

He would play it safe, then. It would be like that old book with the two dumb teenagers from warring families who fell in love, only hopefully neither him nor Sienna ended up killing themselves over it.

Sienna let out a small murmur, then slowly began to open her eyes. Her gaze met Jaune's and a small smile crossed her face.

"Morning, Jaune."

"Morning, Sienna."

The two leaned in for a kiss. After a few seconds, they pulled away. Sienna hooked her arms around his neck, then laid back down and rested her head on his chest once more. Jaune rolled his eyes.

"C'mon, we have to get up."

"I would, but you're too warm. Stay like this for a bit."

"I'd love to, but there are things I want to do today."

"Oh? Like what?"

"Like a trip to the park, with you."

"Trying to do couple things, now? I thought we had skipped past that stage already."

"Well, I figured now would be a good time to start acting like a real couple instead of just, y'know, banging like animals all the time."

She giggled. Silently, Jaune was thankful that he now had a blank check to make racist jokes, because otherwise that would have been bad.

Thank the Gods that Blake didn't know about this, because that was one speech he didn't want to sit through. She had already given him one after seeing his bookmarked websites, and he could go the rest of his life without experiencing another.

And as long as he was thanking the Gods, he was going to thank them a second time for somehow giving him the ability to keep Sienna from being killed a few weeks ago. It would really suck to have just met her only to have her instantly be cut down by some edgelord weeb bull Faunus. Good thing nothing that fucking stupid had happened.

"You know just what to say to me," Sienna said with a slight grin. Reluctantly, she sat up. "I'll go get ready."

She rose from bed, purposely putting a bit more sway in her step as she did so, knowing that Jaune was fixated on her rear. He stared until she had disappeared into the bathroom to take a shower… and then, a second later, she surprised him by sticking her head out.

"You planning on joining me?"

He blinked. Well, not at first, but if she was the one offering…

He rose from the bed as fast as he could, darting into the bathroom and stepping under the shower with her. The whole time, there was a small voice in the back of his head, asking one simple question.

_Sienna Khan and the park… why does it seem like there's something wrong with that?_

* * *

As it turned out, it seemed like there was something wrong with that because there _was _something wrong with that.

Namely, that parks sometimes had police officers patrolling nearby, and that police officers in Vale tended to be on the lookout for criminals.

Criminals like, say, an internationally wanted terrorist.

Jaune dove behind cover as a bullet impacted right above his head. His shield was clutched tightly in one hand, though his sword remained locked in its sheath – the last thing he wanted to do was antagonize the police any further by actually attacking them, so he had spent the entire time focused purely on blocking gunfire.

Sienna, however, did not have the same qualms, if the officer that spontaneously went flying over his hiding spot was any indication.

Movement from his left caught his attention, causing him to whip around. To his relief, it was just Sienna, settling into cover next to him. Their eyes met, and she wasted no time in pulling him in for a kiss.

He pulled away after a few seconds, surprised. "What are you doing?!"

She looked at him like he had grown a second head. "Kissing you."

"We're being shot at!"

"I know, isn't it great? You know just how to make a girl happy, Jaune. What's a date without getting into a fight with some humans?"

A normal one, but he never got a chance to tell her that before she leaped out of cover with a shout and jumped right back into combat. Two more cops went flying overhead, and he sighed.

How did he get himself into these messes?

...Oh, right; the booze. Why did people drink that stuff, anyway? It never led to anything good, and it didn't even taste that good either. The only reason he could see as to why people liked it so much was if they were trying to numb the pain of a lifetime of working for an enigmatic wizard and being unable to connect to their loved ones for fear of their shit-tier semblance destroying everything they cared about, or if they had to spend an entire day wrangling a school full of shithead teenage Huntsmen-in-training because their boss didn't do jack shit except complain about his ex-wife when he thought nobody was paying attention, or because they had given birth to eight kids and just wanted to not feel anything for the rest of the night after having to deal with them for the entire day, or because they had to deal with the existential nightmare of the story they wrote for fun being infinitely more popular than the one they put months upon months of work into but it's okay because I still love you all with all my heart.

Silently promising never to consume alcohol again and also to never let his life get as depressing as those hypothetical people who totally didn't exist, Jaune looked around for Sienna. She returned after a few seconds, jumping behind cover and grabbing him by the hand, then pulling him to his feet. She motioned for him to follow her, and with no other options, he did. The two of them sprinted through the park, weaving their way through stray bullets and groups of police, the former no match for Jaune's shield and the latter proving to be little more than an annoyance to Sienna's combat prowess.

It was as frightening as it was sexy.

_Damn, she's got the looks, the age difference, the skills in bed, _and _she can kick my ass? Sienna, where have you been all my life?_

He thought for a moment.

_...Besides behind a desk, planning to assault members of my race. ...Uh, gonna pretend like I didn't just realize that and instead focus on the sexy tiger in front of me._

So he did.

Damn, even attached to an outspoken racist-slash-terrorist-slash-probable murderer, that ass was _fine_.

"Sienna, where are we going?" Jaune asked, taking his attention away from her behind for a moment.

"Out of Vale!"

"Out of Vale?! But I can't leave Vale! I'm a Beacon student!"

"Jaune, ask yourself what's more important: your life as a student, or me!"

...Why did he like Beacon, again? Sure, there were some cool people there, but there were also a lot of assholes as well. The only exceptions were Ruby, Ren and Nora, and Pyrrha - Weiss was a frigid bitch, Yang wouldn't stop making terrible puns and calling him Vomit Boy, and Blake just kept bitching endlessly about 'muh racism'. Not exactly the most compelling cast of characters.

"Okay," he said, "where are we going once we leave Vale?"

"Menagerie! That's where my primary base of operations is! Don't worry; you'll fit right in!"

He was sure he wouldn't, but at least she would stick up for him.

The last couple of weeks had certainly been crazy. He had gotten shitfaced, gotten laid, gotten himself involved in a world-spanning terrorist organization, gotten a girlfriend, and as of now had probably gotten himself put on the most wanted list right alongside said girlfriend. Despite all that, he couldn't help but feel a striking lack of regret.

_Is this what it feels like to be in a relationship? Do you just stop caring about everything else?  
_He supposed he would find out just as soon as he got out of Vale and started his new life with his hot girlfriend.

_Gods damn, that feels good to say._

* * *

Meanwhile, many miles away, a young blonde girl was watching TV while eating her Pumpkin Pete's, a bored expression on her face.

"Mom, do we have to watch the news?" she asked, swallowing a spoonful of cereal.

"Yes, June. It's important to know what's happening in the world," her mother replied.

"But it's so boring! I wanna watch cartoons!"

"In a bit, sweetie," came the response. "Anyway, be a dear and watch your sister while I go help your father with the laundry, okay?"

June looked over at Jade. The toddler grinned at her from atop her high chair, then smashed her sippy cup of milk against the tray. Luckily, the lid stayed on this time. Still, June groaned.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes, honey, you have to. It'll only be for a minute."

June crossed her arms, but reluctantly nodded. Her mother smiled at her, then ruffled her hair. June pushed her hand away, grumbling under her breath the whole time.

Her mother left the room, leaving Jade alone with June… and nobody around to witness what she was about to do. A mischievous smirk crossed her face as she reached for the remote. Her finger hovered over the guide button, and…

"We interrupt this broadcast for a special news bulletin!" the man on the TV suddenly said. June jumped, startled, and accidentally flung the remote from her grasp. Grumbling, she turned to look for it, the TV playing in the background the whole time.

"White Fang leader Sienna Khan has been spotted in Vale! Authorities are baffled as to why she has suddenly left Menagerie, but are currently too busy fighting her to ponder that question for very long! As you can see here, she is effortlessly tearing through squadron after squadron of Vale's finest! Oh, the humanity! Oh, the violence! Oh, the sudden spike in ratings! Whatever will we do?!"

"Blah, blah..." June said, continuing her hunt for the remote.

"We have just received word that Sienna Khan appears to have an accomplice with her, and that the two of them appear to be romantically involved somehow! The identity of this young man is currently unknown, and the VPD is requesting any information you may have on him! Here is a picture of the two of them!"

Finally, June found what she was looking for. Triumphantly, she turned around, prepared to finally change the channel… only to pause at what she saw, her eyes widening at the sight of what was unmistakably her brother locking lips with an older woman.

"Mom!" she shouted. "Jaune's on the TV, and you'll never guess what he did!"

"Oh? Did he accidentally get himself recruited by an international terrorist organization, and was then forced to go on the run when he unintentionally antagonized the entirety of Vale's police force in a single morning with one poorly-calculated plan?"

"No! He kissed a girl!"

"WHAT?!"

Juniper Arc stomped into the room, dragging her husband Jack Arc along with her. The two of them stared at the TV, freezing when they saw the image plastered across it.

Jack Arc whistled approvingly. "Damn, son. And here I was thinking you might be gay, yet it looks like you scored a perfect ten outta-"

He paused when he noticed his wife wasn't saying anything. Turning, he saw her staring at him with the kind of expression that indicated he would be sleeping on the sofa if he said another word. Slowly, he swallowed.

"I mean, _wow _she's a lot older than him. I'm pretty sure there are laws against that. We should probably do something."

"You're damn right!" Juniper Arc shouted, turning and beginning to walk away. "Where did you put the shotgun?!"

"In a box under the bed, next to the-" He paused when he noticed Jade and June staring at him. Slowly, he cleared his throat. "...The, uh, items we use for, uh… marital enhancement. The plastic ones that take batteries."

"Found it!" There was a loud _ch-CHUNK _from the other room, indicating she had indeed found it. "Honey, book us passage on an airship! We're going after him!"

Jack Arc sighed, bringing a hand up to rub at the bridge of his nose. "Yes, dear."

Sure, he could have tried to talk his wife out of it, but therein lied madness, as well as a night in the doghouse rather than on the sofa. Plus, his dad had once given him advice specifically for this situation.

"_Son, there will eventually come a day when your wife finds out your son has shacked up with a much older woman, and she grabs a shotgun and tries to kill her. When that day comes, you mustn't get in her way."  
_

_"How do you know this, Papa?"_

"_Because it happened to me when your older brother shacked up with that girl from Mistral and I'm still picking buckshot out of my asscheeks, the same way it happened to my father when I shacked up with your mother. You see, it's sort of an Arc family tradition, trying to stop your wife from doing something crazy and getting shot in the ass for it."  
_

_"Why are you telling me this? I'm only twelve."_

"_When the time comes, you'll understand."_

Well, the time had finally come, and he had finally started to understand. He sighed to himself.

"Guess I should pack some medical supplies for the buckshot..." he muttered to nobody in particular.

* * *

"**It's just Sienna, it's not like I can make this all that weird just by virtue of her being a bit character. Pretty sure this one will be pretty tame compared to the last one."  
\- Me tempting fate shortly before Jaune's 'Pissed off or pissed on' speech.**

**Now would be a good time to mention that I don't really plan too much of these things out and am often just as surprised by what I write as you guys are.**

**Less of this chapter was inspired by Coeur than you may think. I somehow didn't make the connection between this chapter and 'A Rabbit among Wolves' until after I had already finished the scene with Jaune being introduced to the White Fang. The last part with Jaune's family was definitely inspired by it, but the rest really wasn't, as weird as that may seem.**

**Also, no joke at Pyrrha's expense this chapter, because I've been very mean to her so far and she deserved a bit of a break. Instead, she gets a glimpse of naked Jaune, making this the most Pyrrha has won in this story so far. We will return to your regularly scheduled Pyrrha bullying shortly.**

**Oh, before I go: The people have spoken, so there will be sequel chapters and R63 characters! So far everyone seems to want a sequel to Cinder, and I might go ahead and do a continuation of the Raven chapter when it comes time to do Vernal. For R63, I really want to do Qrow, Cardin, and Adam, among a few others, but there are some other characters who also have potential as well. We'll just see what my muse has to say about them.**

**Next update: Saturday, February 8th. **


	6. I Wrote This While Drunk

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 6: Qrowe (Qrow R63), or: (In The Spirit Of This Chapter) I Wrote This While Drunk

* * *

Jaune liked to think that he consistently made good decisions, and that his parents would be proud of him. For the most part, he tried to live up to the example they had set for him – be responsible, ethical, and trust in your loved ones. Sure, he occasionally did stupid things, such as applying to Beacon with forged transcripts or going through initiation without aura, but they were generally for a good cause – the world needed Huntsmen, after all.

Pay no attention to the fact that he more than likely stole someone else's spot at Beacon in doing so.

Anyway, the point was, he prided himself on being responsible.

But even he had his limits.

Jaune looked down at the glass in front of him, debating whether to just try and knock it back. The music reverberating through his skull wasn't helping things – he could barely hear himself think. It would have been a much easier decision if he had known what to get, but this being his first time at a bar, he had been clueless, and had trusted the bartender to set him up with something good.

He had received straight gin.

Naturally, the first sip had been a struggle, him being a new drinker and all. But ultimately, he wasn't here for the taste – he was here to drown his sorrows.

Cardin had him dead to rights. When knowledge of his transcripts came to light, that was it – his Beacon career, short-lived as it was, was over. He was going to be kicked out and forced to go back home as a failure. His dream was going to be dashed before his very eyes.

"Damn, someone's looking a little depressed."

Jaune blinked, turning around to see who was talking to him. He was taken aback by what he found – a tall, long-haired ravenette, staring at him with piercing red eyes. He felt himself swallow nervously.

He had never considered himself a connoisseur of older women before, but damn, this woman was hot. Even in her wrinkled dress shirt and… corset? Well, he wasn't going to complain with how it accentuated her chest...

His heart just about skipped a beat when she pulled up a chair next to him.

"Hey, bartender," she called, "give me a double whiskey, neat."

The bartender grunted, then slid her over a glass that was filled to just over midway with straight whiskey. Jaune stared at her incredulously – there was no way she was actually going to-

And she did, knocking back half the glass in one gulp. She exhaled loudly, licking her lips before setting the drink down on the countertop.

"Man, that hits the spot," she exclaimed.

Turning, she found him staring. She smirked. "Like what you see?"

Jaune instantly looked away. Nope, no way was this happening. No way was a hot older woman actually hitting on him. Even if she was, she was out of his league, so the only reason why she would even acknowledge him was because she wanted to get him hot and bothered, lure him to her bedroom, and cut out his kidneys to sell on the black market.

He wasn't about to let that happen, since he kind of needed his kidneys. Sure, he had two, but he was saving his spare for if he ever accidentally knocked a girl up and needed to pay for a shotgun wedding.

Some might have called him paranoid for that, but those people hadn't been there for the fiasco that was Saphron's wedding.

How a woman like her managed to get another woman pregnant was a mystery for the ages. Apparently alcohol was involved, but he wasn't privy to the details… not that he minded. The last thing he wanted to think of was his older sister having sex.

Oh, look, there were those traumatic images he wanted to avoid tonight. Good thing he had some brain bleach right in front of him. Jaune picked up his glass and swallowed a mouthful of gin, choking once it hit his throat but somehow managing to keep it down. Next to him, the woman frowned.

"Not much of a drinker, eh?"

Jaune shook his head, coughing as he pounded his chest, trying to get the burning to go away.

The woman scowled, then turned to the bartender. "Hey, gimme a screwdriver down here."

Jaune heard something slide across the countertop, and to his surprise, it was another drink, though this one looked much more his style than the last one. It looked like a glass of orange juice, and was even garnished with an orange slice. Perplexed, he glanced over to the woman, who motioned towards it with her head.

"That's on me. Try it – you'll like it." She raised her glass. "Cheers."

Jaune blinked, then turned to the drink. Well, if she was paying for it… Hesitantly, he picked it up and raised it.

"Cheers."

Moment of truth, then. He brought the drink to his lips and took a sip… and to his surprise, it wasn't completely disgusting. In fact, it tasted just like orange juice, though it had a bit of a bite to it. Surprised, he looked over to the woman, who shrugged.

"Orange juice and vodka. Good choice for a novice drinker."

Jaune had to agree – trying it again, it tasted pretty good. He took a few more sips, then set his glass down.

"Thanks."

She nodded. "Don't mention it." Taking a big gulp from her own drink, she once again looked over at him, her gaze settling on his hips. "Nice sword."

Jaune looked down at Crocea Mors. "Heh, yeah, she is pretty nice, isn't she?"

"Wrong sword," the woman said, winking. Jaune felt himself blush, and instinctively drew his legs closer together, causing her to bark out a laugh.

Was this what it felt like to get hit on? It was… honestly kind of creepy when an older woman did it.

...Or rather, it would have been if she wasn't the very definition of a cougar, because _damn, _she had it going on. And she knew it, too – that corset along with those knee-high high-heeled boots was just unfair. And then she had on a choker as well…

Okay, there was no mistaking it: she was out looking for some dick. And apparently, this cougar had found her prey for the night.

And honestly, Jaune was torn between calling for an adult and just letting it happen, because an opportunity like this came along maybe once a lifetime if he was lucky. Swallowing nervously, he turned towards her, trying his best to show no fear.

"...What do you want?"

To his surprise, she shrugged. "Honestly, I'm just here to have a good time. Whatever happens afterwards, I won't argue."

"I see…" He paused. "Then why are you here, talking to me?"

She swirled the alcohol in her glass before drinking from it once more. Placing it back on the counter, she turned to him.

"Because I can tell when a Huntsman is feeling down, and that's never a good combination."

Ah. Well, he never was one to avoid wearing his heart on his sleeve. People tended to read him like a book.

...Why had it taken him until now to realize that? No wonder Weiss had seen right through his fake confidence and manufactured machismo.

"That obvious, huh?"

"Oh, yeah." She kicked one leg up, crossing it over her other. Jaune caught a flash underneath her skirt as she did so and just about fainted. "So, talk to me. What's the problem?"

"...You want to talk to me?" Jaune questioned.

"Nobody else around, is there? Look, I get you're depressed, but all I want is to talk."

"...Really? Because you were hitting on me earlier, so-"

She rolled her eyes. "It got you to drop your guard and start talking, didn't it?"

"...So, you don't really think I'm-"

"Look, forget about that," she said. "Focus on this conversation. Talk to me, will you? I just want to know what the problem is."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"You swear you won't try to take advantage of me?"

She stared at him incredulously. Okay, he had to admit, that sounded a lot more pathetic when he said it out loud. Sighing, he took a big sip of his drink before turning back to her.

"...So, I go to Beacon, right?" She nodded. "Well, to make a long story short, I didn't get in fairly. I forged my transcripts. Well, someone found out, and now they're threatening to reveal them to the headmaster."

The woman paused, taking it all in.

Then, to Jaune's surprise, she began to laugh.

"H-hey!" he protested. "What's so funny?!"

She wiped a few tears from her eyes. "N-nothing," she assured, "it's just… Are you seriously concerned that you'll get kicked out over something like that?"

"Of course!"

"Oh, man, that's rich. Man, these new trainees get better every year."

"How can you laugh about this?!"

"Because it's funny," came her reply. "Look, I went to Beacon. I can assure you that nothing gets past Oz. He definitely knows your transcripts are forged."

"No, he doesn't!"

"He goes over each application personally, you know. He knows how to pick apart the fakes. I know because I got in with fake transcripts all those years ago."

"That's-" Instantly, Jaune paused. "...What?"

She picked up her glass, drinking from it once more. "You heard me. I got into Beacon using forged transcripts. Had to, given where I was coming from."

"...Then, you mean-"

"Yes, Ozpin definitely knows. He just doesn't care."

"...Why wouldn't he care?"

"Well, you made it through initiation, didn't you?" Jaune nodded. She grinned. "There you go, you've already proven yourself."

"Then… even if someone tells him-"

"He won't care, because you've earned your spot at Beacon." She raised her glass to him. "I'll drink to that."

She drained what was left in her glass, but Jaune barely noticed. He was too busy basking in the feeling of relief that had settled over him. Slowly, a grin crossed his face. He turned to her, then nodded appreciatively.

"Thank you, Miss-"

"Qrowe," she replied, "Qrowe Branwen."

Branwen…? Somehow, that name sounded familiar. Had someone at Beacon mentioned it to him? He couldn't remember… anyway, that wasn't important right now. At the moment, all he cared about was the fact that Cardin had basically just gotten cucked.

_Suck it, Winchester. Looks like everything is coming up Jaune._

He went to rise from his seat, only for her to stop him.

"Whoa, what's the hold-up?" she questioned.

Jaune paused. "...I'm heading back to Beacon?" he ventured. "Thanks for the help, but I've really gotta-"

Qrowe shook her head. "What you've gotta do is celebrate! You're a free man, you know." She gestured towards his half-finished screwdriver. "Plus, if I'm paying for it, you're drinking it."

Jaune stared at the drink, blushing slightly. Well, she had paid for it…

Settling back down into his seat, he watched as Qrow called the bartender over, again getting herself some whiskey. She raised her glass.

"To passing initiation."

"To passing initiation," Jaune repeated.

Both of them took a long drink. Jaune placed his empty glass on the counter, smacking his lips.

...You know, that was actually pretty good. Qrowe seemed to realize this, and smirked.

"Care for another? Maybe something a bit different, and a bit harder?"

Well, he shouldn't… but honestly, it was a Friday night, so he didn't need to be back at school just yet. Plus, he wasn't sure if he was ready to face Pyrrha – their last conversation had gone poorly, and even though he knew he was going to have to do it eventually, he wasn't too keen on pressing on without thinking it through first.

Fuck it, one more wouldn't hurt, especially not if it was something new that she thought he would like. He nodded. Qrowe's grin widened.

"Whaddya say we try something a bit different, then? Hey, bartender! Another screwdriver here, and make it a slow comfortable screw up against a fuzzy wall!"

Jaune didn't know what any of that meant, but if it was another screwdriver, he was all for it. The drink arrived, and he brought it to his lips to take a big sip.

And that was where his memory of the night ended.

* * *

Sometimes, Jaune wished his parents had done a better job of warning him about the dangers of the world. As it was, he was utterly unprepared for most of what he ran into outside home. He loved his family, sure, but they had coddled him, and it had left him worse off than if they had tried to toughen him up. For one, if they hadn't been so overprotective, he might have actually shown up to Beacon with his aura unlocked, maybe a little training under his belt.

For another, he would have stayed the hell away from any and all alcohol, because it was a dangerous beast.

Of course, that was only sometimes. Other times, Jaune was glad that his parents had insulated him from the world. Because if they hadn't, things might have turned out a bit differently.

"Oh, Jaune..."

_Very _differently.

Thank the Gods they had, then.

He felt Qrowe reach up to grab him by the chin, turning his head around so she could kiss him. Their tongues fought for dominance before she won, taking the opportunity to put a hand on his chest and gently push him backwards onto the bed. She smirked as he went down, positioning herself properly.

"Ready for the main event?" she asked.

He simply nodded, watching with apprehension as she began to lower herself down. As she did, his gaze drifted to her left hand, settling on the ring on her finger.

When the two of them had first discovered they had been drunkenly married, they had considered annulling it… but eventually decided that, maybe, they should give it a shot. Not the whole 'husband and wife' thing, but maybe just a date or two – after all, they had enjoyed each other's company at the bar that night, and if they had already danced the horizontal boogie, a date would be mild by comparison.

Neither of them had expected to hit it off like they had, but damn if they hadn't. They got along really well, even with the age difference. Qrowe, it turned out, was someone Jaune could be comfortable around… probably because hanging out with her was like hanging out with one of his guy friends. She was a huge tomboy, despite not looking the part. Then again, the same could be said of Yang, so this wasn't exactly unique, he supposed.

Huh, that was weird. Now that he thought about it, there were quite a few resemblances between the two of them… ah well, he was sure it was just coincidence.

Aside from that, Qrowe, surprisingly, seemed pretty open to the idea of dating someone more than half her age. He had asked her why, but she had simply avoided the question for some reason. He hadn't asked again.

Mainly because, that night, they'd had sex for the first time since being plastered, so his mind had been elsewhere.

And speaking of sex…

The two of them moved their hips in rhythm, low gasps and moans escaping both of them. Gently, Qrowe cupped his head and angled his face up, then brought their lips together, the two of them moaning into the kiss.

Yeah, this was the life. Porn had nothing on this. Though, he had to wonder what Qrowe's angle was – they had barely gotten through their second date before she had pushed for sex, and ever since then, every night had basically been a non-stop fuckfest. He wasn't complaining, but it was weird how quickly things had progressed between them, and also how uncaring she was about the whole 'drunkenly married' thing. Then again, that was kind of her nature – she didn't seem to take much of anything all that seriously.

Still, he supposed it was to be expected – the two of them, despite having dated for a few weeks, having had sex multiple times, and even being married, still didn't know each other all that well.

And to think he had decried hookup culture not too long ago. If that made him a hypocrite, then he didn't want to be… uh… whatever the opposite of a hypocrite was.

He didn't really care at this point, because he was too busy going balls deep.

With one final thrust, Jaune loudly moaned into the kiss, feeling himself be pushed over the edge. Qrowe held him as he shook, and after several seconds the two of them pulled apart. He was panting heavily, and she simply smirked at him.

"Done already?"

Jaune shook his head. "I can go again."

"Whoa there, lover boy – it was just a joke. No need to push yourself."

"No, I mean it – lots of aura, remember?"

"I know, but still, take it easy. We have all night."

She gently raised herself off of him with a gasp, then once they were separated, reached for the bottle of water on the bedside table. Uncapping it, she handed it to him,

"Drink."

He did as he was told, draining half the bottle in a matter of seconds. Handing it back, she replaced it with a glass.

"Drink."

Again, he obeyed, enjoying his slow deep screw. Ironic name – if he didn't know any better, he'd say she planned it like that, but he knew she hadn't; dropping hints wasn't her style. If Qrowe wanted to fuck, she came right out and said it, she didn't bother with subtlety. The drink was just something she knew he liked. The fact that it fit so well was just a bonus.

Jaune handed the glass of alcohol back to her, sitting up and leaning against the headboard. She laid down next to him, resting her head on his chest with a sigh. He looped one arm around her, then leaned his head against hers.

"I meant what I said," he told her. "I'm good to go whenever you are. All I need is another condom."

Again, she smirked. "I know you are. But for now, let's just take it easy. You'll have all night to get me off."

Gods _damn, _that was fucking hot. Why hadn't he tried this whole 'dating' thing before?

...Oh, right; he had, but nobody had ever given him a chance. Well, fuck them… or, rather, _don't _fuck them; he had someone else now, and she was way better than all of them.

Sure, her breasts were a little saggy, and she wasn't as in-shape as some of the Huntresses his age, and she had wrinkles and crow's feet, and she constantly smelled of booze and bad decisions…

...You know what? He was just going to stop there. This was a good thing he had going on, and he didn't want to ruin it by focusing only on the downsides. Everything had a pro and a con, and the con with dating a mature woman was that she was, you know, _mature. _

Oh, and she was also a hopeless drunk who spent every waking minute completely shitfaced, but that was neither here nor there.

Man, his mom would freak if she could see him now. Normally that would have scared him, but at this point he didn't even care. She could do what she wanted with him, for he had already won.

Also, his dad wouldn't care. Hell, his dad would probably congratulate him for doing the deed. Papa Arc was cool like that.

But only until Mama Arc found out, because then he would be sleeping in the doghouse after burying Jaune in a shallow grave… and then digging him up and killing him again before burying him once again – that was the beauty of a shallow grave, you see.

It was probably weird of his parents to have thought far enough ahead to tell fourteen-year-old Jaune about what would happen if he ever banged an older woman while shitfaced, but then again with Saphron in the family, it most likely paid to be prepared.

Seriously, that girl had a delinquency streak a mile long. It was a wonder that she was married with a kid rather than in jail somewhere.

Anyway, that wasn't important right now. Right now, all that mattered was that Jaune was on Cloud Nine – he had a hot older woman in his arms, he had just nutted, and he was about to nut again in a few minutes. Life was good. And absolutely nothing could ruin this moment.

A distorted guitar riff filled the room, and Qrowe frowned. "That's my scroll. Hang on while I take this."

Jaune watched as she stood up, purposely putting a bit more sway in her step as she did so. She picked up a nearby bottle of beer, chugged it, then tossed the empty bottle into the hotel room's trash can before reaching for her scroll and answering it, putting it on speaker.

"Hey, Ruby."

Immediately, Jaune paused. _Ruby? Huh, that's a weird coincidence – didn't think there were that many people named Ruby out there._

"_Hi, Aunt Qrowe!"_

The blonde's face fell. _Aunt…? ...No, this has to be a mistake._

It was delusional of him to even entertain such an idea – that was clearly Ruby's voice, after all – but he still had to hold onto hope that this wasn't as it seemed.

Qrow grinned. "So, what's up? Everything good at Beacon?"

_Oh, Gods..._

"Your sister giving you trouble?"

_Oh, Gods…!_

"You know, your sister, Yang Xiao Long? Blonde hair, lilac eyes, two years older than you, on Team RWBY, who are all first-years at Beacon Academy and are led by you, Ruby Rose?"

_Alright, I get it!_

There was a pause. _"...Aunt Qrowe, are you drunk?"  
_

Qrowe hiccuped. "Guilty as charged," she said, absentmindedly scratching her asscheek with her free hand. She let out a small burp.

Normally, Jaune would have reflected on the fact that he liked that she was comfortable enough around him that she didn't feel the need to act girly and instead just acted like herself, but he was too busy having an existential crisis.

_Okay Jaune, think. So it turns out the hot cougar you've been banging and accidentally got drunkenly married to is actually your best friend's aunt, and more importantly her overprotective sister's aunt. How can you get out of this without having her hate you and without having Yang knock your block off?  
_

Truthfully, he didn't know. There were a few ways he could think of, but all of them ended with him breaking up with Qrowe, and he wanted to avoid that because he liked her, the sex was great, and he didn't want to lose half his stuff in the divorce.

Not that he had much of anything to lose, but still. It was the principle that mattered.

Plus, he was certain she would try and take his Pumpkin Pete's hoodie, and he'd be damned if he let anyone take his hoodie. Eating all that cereal had almost given him diabetes, so anyone who wanted the hoodie was going to have pry it from his cold, dead hands.

Turning back to Qrowe, Jaune found her chuckling at something Ruby had just said.

"_And then I said, 'Now _that's _a katana!" _There was a pause. _"...Promise you won't tell Dad or Yang."  
_

"Don't worry, kiddo," Qrowe said. "Your secret's safe with me."

"_Oh, thank the Gods. They both still think I don't know what sex is."_

"Wow, that's stupid."

_"You're telling me. __Wait until they find out how much I masturbate."_

Oh, Gods! Why, Ruby? You were supposed to be innocent, not some insane schlick-addicted pervert!

Qrowe frowned, casting a glance back at Jaune out of the corner of her eye. "...Might wanna put a lid on that kinda talk, kiddo – I get that you're comfortable with your body, but that's not the kind of thing you go around telling people."

"_Pssh, like you care – you're the one who taught me how to delete my browser history. Don't act like you didn't know exactly what I was gonna do with it."_

And just like that, Jaune's world was turned upside-down. What insane thing was going to happen next? Was Pyrrha going to turn out to have a crush on him? Was Weiss going to fall for some charmless tryhard fuccboi from another school? Was Ozpin going to turn out to secretly be some wandering soul, damned by the Gods to continually possess and assimilate new host bodies over and over whenever he died until he finally convinced his immortal bitch of an ex-wife to stop being such a spiteful ho and just accept the no-fault divorce already?

...Okay, that last one was ridiculous even for him, but his point stood, that point being that his vision of the world had been completely and irreparably fucked. At this rate, a corgi was going to fight a giant robot and actually win or something, and that was just stupid.

"_Anyway, I've gotta run, so I'll talk to you later."  
_

"Alright, Rubes. Good talking to you."

_"Bye, Aunt Qrowe! Come visit soon!"  
_

"I will, Rubes. Bye."

With that, Qrowe ended the call, then placed her scroll down and turned back to Jaune. A smirk crossed her face.

"I think I'm ready to go again."

Normally, Jaune would have been ecstatic to hear that, but not now. Now, he was too busy thinking of all the ways Yang would kill him. The blonde swallowed nervously.

"So, uh… Ruby, huh?"

Qrowe nodded. "Yeah, she's one of my nieces. Sweet girl, though a bit of a spaz. Likes sugar and her weapon a bit too much."

Yup, that was definitely Ruby. Jaune groaned, bringing his hands up in a facepalm.

"I'm so dead…"

"How so?"

"Because I know Ruby and Yang…"

A pause. "...You do?"

"They're my friends."

Again, Qrowe paused. Neither said anything for a few seconds before Qrowe spoke again.

"Well, this is awkward."

She had no idea.

* * *

The next week had seen them being very careful. The two of them had gone from seeing each other pretty much every night to only seeing each other on the weekend, mainly because Jaune was concerned that the others – Ruby and Yang in particular – would start asking too many questions about why he kept going into Vale and coming back late at night.

They had bought the 'I'm going to a comic book convention' excuse once, and he wasn't sure he would be able to pull it off again.

On a side note, thank the Gods that neither of them were into comics as much as he was. Ruby dabbled in them, but according to her, cosplay was for nerds, and she didn't want to be stuck in an entire convention center full of unwashed greasy neckbeards and weebs.

Bit of an ironic statement coming from the girl dressed like an edgy anime character, but whatever.

Oh, and she had also complained about the overwhelming spergery of the shipping community, who apparently looked for any excuse to pair up two characters together and refused to fucking keep it in their pants, but even worse, who ended up creating an entire community of anti-shippers who existed purely to argue with and spite them, and who had no qualms with starting drama for laughs.

Thank the Gods he didn't actually know a damn thing about comic book conventions, because they sounded like a fucking nightmare.

Anyway, the point was, Jaune had managed to keep his relationship a secret for the time being, and all it had cost him was a bit of his dignity because now the others thought he was a huge geek.

But that was okay, because he got to bang a hot older woman on the regular. He would gladly sit there and endure Yang's terrible jokes at his expense if it meant he got to keep fucking her aunt.

_Wow, that was weird to think about._

Currently, Jaune was sitting on his bed, trying to do some homework for Oobleck's class. He had fallen behind, as his continuous trips to Vale the week before as well as his nightly training sessions with Pyrrha had eaten away at his schedule, and now he was paying the price.

_Still totally worth it, though._

He had just managed to think of the answer to one of Oobleck's essay questions when an ear-piercing squeal echoed from across the hall, making him jump. As he tried to still his pounding heart, Jaune considered his options.

_That sounded like Ruby, but then again the last thing I want to do is to walk in on Blake and Yang naked wrestling again._

Seriously, they still hadn't let him live down when it had happened the first time. What the hell did they expect, anyway? Who wrestled while naked? Why were they both moaning so loud?

...Why was he just now realizing that they were totally banging and not actually naked wrestling? Fuck, and to think that he had missed out on all that fap material for so long.

But at least now he didn't need it.

Anyway, he decided that he should at least knock this time. Waiting a moment for his boner to recede, Jaune rose from his seat and crossed the hall, then knocked on Team RWBY's door.

"Everything alright in there? I heard-"

The door came flying open, just barely missing him. Jaune took a step back, surprised. Ruby stood in front of him, a mile-wide smile on her face.

"Uh, Ruby? Everything al-"

"MyAuntIsComingToVisit!" she shouted.

Jaune blinked. "...Uh, say that again? You spoke a little-"

"She said our aunt is coming to visit," Yang said, stepping into the doorway and leaning on it.

"WHAT?!" Blake shouted.

Jaune paused. "Uh, why is Blake acting like she's deaf?"

Ruby and Yang exchanged a glance. "...Oh, you know Blake," Yang began, "she's super weird."

"WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU – THE OVERTONES IN RUBY'S VOICE WERE TOO LOUD!"

"Just ignore her, she doesn't know what she's saying."

"THEY MIGHT HAVE BURST MY EARDRUMS."

"Ah." Jaune said. "...Should I be concerned?"

"Oh no, nothing to be-"

"YOU KNOW, MY EARS? MY FAUNUS EARS? THE ONES UNDER MY BOW?"

Again, Jaune paused. "...Wait, Blake's a-"

"OH SHIT, IS THAT JAUNE? HI, JAUNE! EVERYTHING'S FINE HERE!"

"_..._Right, I'm just gonna go now, before-"

"No!" Ruby said, taking him by the arm. "My aunt is gonna be here any minute, and you have to meet her! She's super cool!"

_Uh oh. _"Your aunt?"

"Yeah, my Aunt Qrowe! She's awesome, she taught me everything about how to use a scythe! You two have to meet – I'm sure you'll love each other!"

Oh, they were already way ahead of her, if the previous night was any indication. "...Well, I'd love to, but-"

Ruby shook her head. "No buts, mister! You gotta meet her, c'mon! Please?"

And there it was – the puppy dog eyes. Jaune tried his best to resist, he really did, but it was impossible. Sighing, he resigned himself to his fate.

"...Alright, I'll go."

"Yes!" Ruby said, pumping her fist in victory. She turned back to her team. "Let's go, guys!"

"Ruby, why do we have to go?" Weiss complained. "I have work I want to get done."

"Because I'm the leader, and I say you have to meet my super-cool aunt! So let's go!"

Weiss sighed tiredly, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Alright, fine, I guess I can spare a few minutes."

"ARE WE LEAVING?" Blake shouted. "SOMEONE WRITE THE ANSWER ON A PIECE OF PAPER, ALL I HEAR IS TINNITUS."

Oh great, now the whole team was getting dragged into this. Could this get any worse?

Ruby suddenly frowned, looking at his hand. "Jaune, why are you wearing gloves?"

And it just got worse. "...Uh, it's cold?"

That was just about the worst lie he could possibly think of, but it was better than admitting that it was to cover up his wedding ring. He could have just taken it off, but he was afraid of losing it, and it seemed like it was expensive… and because it was like superglued on or something and refused to come off, and he was afraid to pull on it too hard because he had heard about degloving and it scared the piss out of him.

Do yourself a favor and don't look up what that term means if you don't already know. Like really, this isn't even reverse psychology. Trust me, if you don't know, you're better off not knowing, because it's both awful and will give you a lifelong fear of lathes. You have been warned.

The girls (sans Blake) all gave him a weird look.

"Jaune, it's like seventy degrees in here right now," Yang pointed out.

"...I get cold easily," he lied. "I mean, have you ever seen me without my hoodie? It's because I'm always freezing."

_Nice save, Jaune. _

"...Right," Yang said. "Anyway, let's go."

Jaune didn't bother to argue. There was no getting out of this one, and it was better to just get it over with.

"WHAT?" Blake asked.

* * *

"Aunt Qrowe!"

Jaune watched as Ruby launched herself forward with her semblance, wrapping her arms around her aunt's torso. Qrowe stumbled before stabilizing and looking down at her niece. Ruby grinned widely.

"Did you miss me? Did you?"

Qrowe blinked, then smirked. "Nope," she said, popping the P. She ruffled Ruby's hair, then placed her down on the ground and approached the group.

Her gaze met Jaune's, and both of them froze. Ruby dashed back over to Jaune, looping an arm around him.

"Aunt Qrowe, this is my friend Jaune! I brought him here to meet you! Say hi!"

To her credit, Qrowe regained her composure pretty quickly, offering a hand to him. "Hey there, String Bean. How's it going?"

Jaune took her hand, trying not to react when he felt the ring on her finger through her gloves. He leaned in to whisper in her ear.

"Seriously? 'String Bean'?"

"Just play along."

"Why are you even here?"

"Why are _you _even here?"

"Because Ruby brought me along and I couldn't say no."

"Puppy-dog eyes?" He nodded, and Qrowe sighed. "She gets those from her mother. Suddenly, I don't blame you, and not just because that's why I'm here." At his confused glance, she added, "Made the mistake of doing a video call with her a few days ago and she asked me to come visit. Couldn't say no."

"Ah. Well, things just got harder, didn't they?"

"Oh, you have no idea."

"Whatcha talking about?" Ruby said, popping up between them, causing them both to quickly separate.

"Oh, uh, nothing," Qrow said, perhaps a bit too quickly. "I, uh… I just happen to know his, uh… older brother?"

Jaune very nearly facepalmed. Seriously, that was the best she could come up with? Was she trying to expose them, and not in the good way?

Weiss gave him a questioning glance. "I thought you only had sisters."

"I do. Qrowe must have mistaken my dad for my older brother, somehow."

"Because she's drunk," Yang pointed out.

"WHAT ABOUT CRUNK?" Blake shouted. "I CAN'T STAND HIP-HOP."

Qrowe gave Blake a questioning glance, but ultimately said nothing, instead just shaking her head and reaching for her flask with a smirk. "Guilty as charged." She looked up, frowning. "Hey, Jaune, you might want to take about four steps to your left."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

Jaune did so, just in time to dodge a nice pile of bird shit that would have landed directly on his head. He gave Qrowe a questioning look, while Yang facepalmed.

"Oh, here we go..." the blonde brawler said.

"What do you mean?" Jaune asked.

"Qrowe's semblance is bad luck. She's literally a walking bad luck charm. Expect stuff like that to keep happening for as long as she's here. And no, she can't turn it off."

Okay, what the fuck? Jaune would be the first to admit that he wasn't exactly up to snuff on his aura studies, but how did that work? Semblances were supposed to be the manifestation of your soul. What the hell did a bad luck semblance say about Qrowe's soul, besides the fact that she had apparently treated LCK as her dump stat and instead put it all into CHA or something? Was this just the universe's way of saying 'fuck you in particular, enjoy causing pain and suffering for others'?

If that was the case, no wonder Qrowe drank so heavily. He couldn't imagine going through life being constantly worried that his own soul was going to cause him nothing but pain, to say nothing of what it would do to his loved ones.

_Man, I sure hope that ends up not being as bad as Yang makes it sound like._

* * *

Turns out, it actually wasn't as bad as Yang made it out to be.

"Sorry, we're out of Pumpkin Pete's."

It was even worse.

Dejected, Jaune simply took a carton of milk and strode over to the table where his friends and secret girlfriend-slash-wife were sitting.

It had been a day since Qrowe had shown up to Beacon, and things had been absolute hell. All it took for things to go completely tits up was for Qrowe to get within about thirty feet of him, and since she spent most of her time hanging out with her nieces in their room, that meant that she was pretty much always within thirty feet of him. It had been an exercise in frustration, from pencils breaking whenever he tried to do homework to the shower suddenly refusing to run hot to the toilet no longer flushing to Nora accidentally getting a sock into his laundry and turning all his underwear bright pink.

People in the laundry room saw.

"_Nice uindies, Jauney Boy."_

Cardin may not have been able to leverage his transcripts against him, but that didn't mean he was suddenly out of material. If anything, he now had something even worse to work with.

Still, at least if he tried anything, Jaune could send Qrowe after him. Not to beat him up, mind you, but instead just to hang out outside his team's dorm for like an hour or something. See how they liked a bit of bad luck.

Why was Cardin even in Beacon, anyway? He was nothing but a huge asshole, and it wasn't like nobody knew it either. The teachers totally knew, how couldn't they with how much he bullied people? You'd think they'd crack down on that since negativity attracted Grimm and also because it was only a matter of time before some bullied kid had enough, took their stupid transforming mecha-shift spork or some shit, then went postal on the entire fucking school.

Then again, maybe that wasn't as much of a concern if everyone had aura and weapons of their own, since they could just fight back.

Even then, it was still enormously irresponsible of the teachers to just let that shit go on. You'd think with how strict Goodwitch was that she'd deal with it before it became a problem, but apparently not.

_Thanks for nothing, bitch._

Settling in next to his team, Jaune glanced over at Qrowe. Their eyes met, and both of them turned away. It sucked to have to keep their relationship a secret from everyone else. Like, it really sucked.

But that was still no excuse for Qrowe to be drinking at nine in the morning.

"Uh, Aunt Qrowe?" Ruby asked, concerned. "You should probably slow down."

Qrowe pulled her flask away from her mouth with a satisfied sigh, wiping her lips on her sleeve. "Wuzzat, pipsqueak?"

"I said-"

"Yeah, I know. I should slow down. Heard you the first time."

"Then why did you act like-"

"I mean, I'm not gonna listen, but I heard ya."

Ruby pouted, prompting Yang to step in. "Aunt Qrowe, you really should take it easy."

"Whyzat?"

"Because it's starting to look like you have a bit of a problem."

Was she serious? Qrowe was like three drinks in and it wasn't even ten in the morning yet. If that wasn't a problem, Jaune didn't know what was.

And given how much his mom tended to drink back before half the kids had left the house, he was pretty sure he knew how to recognize a drinking problem when he saw one.

Right, time to play the part of the good boyfriend and try to help. Even if nobody else realized what was happening, he should probably step in just to keep his girlfriend from getting alcohol poisoning.

"Uh, Miss Branwen," Jaune said, "you might want to listen to your nieces. Drinking like this can't be good for you."

Qrowe turned towards him, cross-eyed. She squinted. "Izzat Tai?"

"Who?"

"Tai, you big oaf, the fuck're you doing here? Shouldn't you be back on Patch, caring for the mutt and mourning over your two missing loves?"

"Hey!" Yang protested. "Zwei isn't a mutt!"

"Yeah, and Jaune isn't Dad," Ruby added.

Qrowe giggled. "Really? 'Cuz he can be my daddy any time."

Jaune went beet red as the two girls began to dry heave and protest loudly. Weiss, meanwhile, decided to step in, reaching for the bottle in Qrowe's hand.

"I think you've had enough, Miss Branwen."

Qrowe scoffed. "Your mom's had enough."

Weiss sighed. "Yes, I know."

"'Cuz she's an alcoholic."

"I'm aware, and I'd thank you not to bring it up."

"Like, she drinks more than I do."

"Yes, she does."

"I know because we met up in a bar in Atlas and she drank me under the table."

"Yeah, sh- wait, what?"

Qrowe nodded. "Yeah, she got me totally fucked up, and then she took me back to a motel and rocked my world. Shit was intense."

Jaune suddenly had the image of Qrowe in bed with an older-looking Weiss and found himself forced to cover his groin.

Ruby and Yang, meanwhile, exchanged a nervous glance.

"Uh, Aunt Qrowe?" Ruby asked. "Did you… did you really do the dirty with Weiss' mom?"

Qrowe grunted. "Oh, yeah. Shit was so cash. And that means that I'm officially an SDC-approved slam piece. But she never called me back because she's a bitch. And that's why I can't stand the Schnee family, and why Winter doesn't like me."

Weiss closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and released it before opening her eyes once more. "...Okay," she announced. "I think I'm going to leave and go make a scroll call."

"Man, you're taking this pretty well," Nora observed.

"...Right after I TEAR HER THROAT FROM HER NECK!" Weiss shouted, leaping towards Qrowe. Ruby, Yang, Ren, and Pyrrha sprang into action to hold her back. She squirmed in their grip, thrashing around to try and break free. "LET ME AT HER! I'M GONNA GOUGE HER EYES OUT!"

"Suck it, mini-Winter!" Qrowe shouted. "I banged your mom, and it was good! The carpet matches the drapes! She tastes like vanilla and rum down there!"

"That's kind of hot," Blake observed, her hearing apparently having come back at precisely the wrong time.

"You're not helping!" Yang said through gritted teeth. Turning to Jaune, she said, "Get Aunt Qrowe out of here before Weiss gets loose! Go!"

Jaune didn't need to be told twice. He took Qrowe's hand, ignoring her sultry comment about how handholding was oh-so-very lewd, and booked it.

He knew from experience that the only thing worse than bitchy Weiss was angry Weiss, and he would do whatever he could to spare Qrowe from her wrath.

* * *

Jaune had heard about how there were different kinds of drunks, but he hadn't ever really thought about the implications of it.

As it turned out, he probably should have.

"Man, look at that guy! Fuckin' _ninja!"_

Maybe then he would have known how to handle a combination funny-slash-mean drunk like Qrowe.

Jaune sighed. "Ren doesn't like being compared to a ninja, actually. He's Mistralian, so he finds it sort of offens-"

"What?! C'mon, he's totally a ninja!" Qrowe cupped her hands around her mouth. "Hey, ninja boy! Use a jutsu! Make some shadow clones! I wanna see a rasengan!"

Ren looked up towards the stands in confusion, just in time to take a shot to the head courtesy of his opponent. Jaune couldn't help but wince. Down at the arena, Professor Goodwitch scowled.

"Miss Branwen, if you'd please be quiet-"

"What? I'm just excited to watch a match! Haven't seen one in ages!"

She took a huge swig from her flask before pulling it away from her lips, letting out a huge burp that was so loud, Blake was forced to cover her ears with a small whimper. Goodwitch's scowl deepened.

"Miss Branwen, if you'd please-"

"Hey Glynda, what's up with the outfit?" Qrowe asked, raising an eyebrow. "You trying to seduce me?"

"I'm trying to-"

"I knew it! You've got it bad, got it bad, got it bad, you're hot for Branwen!" She turned to Jaune, a huge smile on her face. "Gimme five, husband!" She froze. "...Uh, not that I'm gonna cheat on you or anything..."

Paling, Jaune turned towards Ruby and Yang. "I swear, I have no idea what she's talking about."

Glynda grit her teeth. "Qrowe, I'm warning you. One more outburst-"

"Sorry Goodbitch, but I'm a married woman," Qrowe said proudly, before turning back to Jaune. "Anyway, like I was saying-"

"Okay, that's it," Glynda announced, pushing her glasses up slightly. "Be sure to take notes, class – I'm about to give you all a lesson."

Again, Jaune paled. _Oh, Gods, no._

Next to him, Qrowe grinned widely. "Here we go! Ruby, make sure to record this!"

"I don't think-" Ruby began.

She didn't get any farther before Qrowe stood up and launched herself towards Glynda, a cry of 'RemnantStar!' echoing from her lips. The two of them collided in a massive cloud of dust, one which quickly dissipated as they came to blows. A few seats away, Ruby fumbled with her scroll, trying her best to follow her aunt's wish and record everything. Jaune, meanwhile, just sighed.

_Can this get any crazier?  
_

* * *

"So, would now be a good time to mention that I can – _hic – _turn into a bird?"

For what had to have been the thousandth time that day, Jaune sighed tiredly. "Yes, Qrowe. You've mentioned it."

"Okay, just wanted to be sure. ...Wanna see me try do it?"

Jaune rolled his eyes. "Okay, let's see it."

Qrowe hiccuped before grinning sheepishly. "Ah, I might be a bit too drunk right now..."

What was it Jaune had said a few weeks earlier – something about being glad his parents hadn't ever taught him to stay away from alcohol? Well, fuck that – now he was glad that he wasn't stupid-slash-depressed enough to chug that shit the same way Qrowe did. If being an avid alcoholic meant being reduced to the state she was in, then he was never going to have another drink for as long as he lived.

Right now, it was just the two of them, in Jaune's room. Ruby and Yang had stayed behind to do damage control with Professor Goodwitch, while everyone else was focused on keeping Weiss away from Qrowe since she was still very butthurt about the fact that Qrowe had – to quote her – taken a ride on the Willow Express.

Jaune, meanwhile, had taken the opportunity to get her away from everyone else, both to keep her from doing something stupid and to protect his own sanity, because dear Gods, he couldn't take much more.

If this was what he could expect from married life, then he just might have to start looking into a divorce. The sex wasn't worth the headaches. She could have his Pumpkin Pete's hoodie if it meant regaining a normal life.

Qrowe coughed. "So, big man, we're all alone. What are we gonna do about that?"

"You're drunk," Jaune deadpanned.

"I'm your wife. That means you've gotta do what I say, and I say drop 'em."

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but sex is the last thing on my mind right now."

"What could be more important than sex?"

"Well, there's the fact that Goodwitch and Weiss probably both want to kill you right now, and Ruby and Yang are probably going to want to kill me if they find out we got hitched, so forgive me if I'm not exactly that horny."

Qrowe pouted. "Way to kill my libido..."

She reached for her flask, only for Jaune to quickly tear it from her hands. Qrowe glared at him.

"Give it back."

"No. You've had enough."

"You don't understand. I'm a drunken master, incapable of performing at my best unless my BAC is at least two times over the legal limit."

"You're a functional alcoholic, and as soon as you're sober, I'm looking into putting you in rehab. How Ruby and Yang haven't already done that is beyond me."

"'Cuz I'm the cool aunt who does all the fun stuff, duh."

"That seems like an awful reason to enable your addiction."

"Hey, you're the only one complaining. Now c'mon, mommy needs her fix."

Jaune raised one eyebrow. "'Mommy?'"

Qrowe instantly froze. Sheepishly, she grinned. "...Uh, surprise?"

Jaune blinked. Was she really saying what he thought she was saying? How did that work, anyway? Hadn't they used a-

Immediately, realization dawned. He groaned, bringing one hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"...When were you planning to tell me the condom broke due to your semblance?"

"Soon, I swear."

Well, there goes one of his kidneys. Mom was going to be pissed.

"How soon?"

"Really soon. Like, really really soon. Now, please-"

"No!"

"But why?" she whined.

"You're pregnant, you dumbass!" Jaune shouted.

Qrowe paused. "...Oh, yeah. Guess I probably shouldn't-"

"You're damn right, you shouldn't!"

"...Sorry."

Jaune sighed. "You're done drinking, you hear me? And not just because you're pregnant. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we're tired of cleaning up after you."

"Alright, you've made your point. No more booze."

"Good."

Jaune pitched the flask over his shoulder. Qrowe winced when it hit the ground, but made no attempts to go after it, much to his relief. He sighed.

"What am I going to do with you?"

A knock at the door interrupted him. Casting one last glance at his wife, Jaune stood up and marched over to it, throwing it open. He found all of his friends and Weiss standing there.

"Aunt Qrowe here?" Ruby asked.

"Inside. Figured it'd be best to get her away from Goodwitch."

"You thought right," Yang replied, stepping into the room. "You have no idea the grilling session we just went through… which is extra embarrassing because it wasn't even our fault this time."

Jaune actually felt bad for her. It was one thing to get chewed out by Goodwitch, but quite another to get chewed out by Goodwitch when what she was chewing you out for wasn't even your fault. Honestly, being Yang at this point was nothing but suffering – like really, her aunt was a drunken mess who thinks she can turn into a bird, her biological mom abandoned her family, her stepmom fucking died, her stepdad lost both of his loves, and her sister was a socially awkward sperglord who probably had diabetes. What next, was she going to fucking lose an arm or something, then have all her friends abandon her? It'd be par for the course at this point.

Truly, being Yang was nothing but suffering.

"Well, that's done and over with," Nora observed. She stepped into the room, then flopped down on her bed. "Anyway, Jauney, how's the wife?"

Instantly, Jaune froze, as did everyone else. They all looked at Nora in shock. The ginger blinked, then grinned sheepishly.

"...Was I not supposed to bring it up?"

"H-how… how did you know?" Jaune asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I mean, we all knew," Pyrrha said.

"Yeah, but how?"

"Well, you're both wearing matching gloves that you've never worn before, for one. Plus, we can clearly see the outlines of wedding rings on both of your fingers."

Oh, gods damn it. Serves him right for cheaping out on gloves like that. Groaning, Jaune facepalmed, then turned to Yang and Ruby.

"Right, so this is the part where you both beat me senseless, right?"

The two of them exchanged a glance. "Why would we do that?" Ruby asked.

"...Because I banged your aunt? I drunkenly married your aunt? I kind of got your aunt pregnant by mistake?"

"What?! How did-"

"Semblance broke the condom," Qrowe interrupted.

"...Oh." Ruby looked grossed out for a moment, but quickly shook it off. "Anyway, we don't really care. Qrowe's a grown woman, she can make her own decisions."

Well, that was a relief.

Yang nodded. "Plus, we figure that getting hitched is probably the best thing that could have happened to her. Maybe now she can actually get to work unfucking her life." She turned towards her aunt.

"Hey, I've tried before," Qrowe protested.

"Yeah, but you're a belligerent drunk asshole pseudo-MILF, so it was never going to work. Luckily Jaune's nice, and also desperate enough that he doesn't care you're ridiculously thirsty and willing to settle for a guy a few decades younger than you, to say nothing of how absolutely fucking desperate you had to have been to even go through with this whole marriage thing in the first place. Just how drunk were you two, anyway?"

"On a scale of one to ten, I'd place it at around your dad and Raven's wedding."

Yang's jaw dropped. "...Holy shit."

"Yeah, I know."

"I feel like I should be offended, both at the fact that you're insulting me and that you're insulting my wife," Jaune pointed out.

"Oh? And what are you gonna do about it?" Yang asked.

"You're grounded."

Yang blinked. "...On who's authority?"

"Mine, since I'm your new uncle. Now go to your room."

Yang's jaw dropped. She looked over to Qrowe, who shrugged.

"He's got you there."

Yang pouted. "...Gods dammit."

Reluctantly, she turned and stomped over to her room, then slammed the door shut behind her. Jaune smirked softly.

After months of being called Vomit Boy, it was good to finally have Yang's kryptonite.

He didn't get a chance to enjoy it before Ruby launched herself at him, wrapping him up in a big hug.

"Wha- Ruby! What are you doing?!"

"Uncle Jaune!" she shouted. "I have an uncle now!"

"Why are you all so okay with this?!" Jaune shouted.

"I'm not," Weiss pointed out.

"Why is everybody that actually matters so okay with this?!"

"Hey!"

Jaune wasn't sorry. Honestly, did anyone even like Weiss? Somehow, he just knew that even if they were to all go to Atlas, she would still be nothing but a supporting character in the cast of life.

Man, speaking of, it would sure be embarrassing if they all had to go to Atlas at some point and Weiss ended up being upstaged by literally everyone else in her family. Then again, that would just be Weiss meeting expectations yet again – she was such a jobber that losing even when it was her time to shine would surprise literally nobody.

Man, forget Yang - Weiss' life was nothing but suffering. But she was kind of an asshole, so it was fine.

Everyone ignored Weiss' seething in favor of answering Jaune's question.

"I'm just happy to have more family!" Ruby said.

Blake shrugged. "I don't really care because none of this affects me in any way."

Ren was stone-faced. "Hey, whatever makes you happy."

"At least you're actually getting some now," Nora said.

Pyrrha poked her index fingers together. "...You know, I could probably hook you up with a great lawyer if you ever wanted a divorce."

Man, talk about something that had started off weird and just kept getting weirder. Yet somehow, Jaune felt that something was missing.

"You know, it's funny," he said aloud.

"What is?" Qrowe asked.

"I can't explain it, but I can't help but feel like this is all really… I don't know, benign? Like something a lot crazier should be happening right now, possibly something so crazy that it just fucking kills me."

"That's dumb."

"Is it? Because I'm sure that I've experienced something like this before, I just can't place where."

"Well, I think you can rest easy, knowing that nothing weird is about to-"

The sound of running feet from down the hall caught their attention, causing them all to turn towards the door. To their surprise, it was none other than Winter Schnee, who paused in the doorframe with her sabre in her hand, glaring at Qrowe.

"Qrowe," she growled. "I've finally found you."

"Hey, Winnie," Qrowe greeted.

"Shut up, homewrecker! I'm here to kill you!"

Jaune blinked, then turned towards Weiss. "Scroll call?"

"Scroll call," she answered.

"Wait, Aunt Qrowe and Winter don't like each other?" Ruby asked. "But I thought they kind of had a crush on each other."

Now, Jaune liked Ruby, but that was one of the dumbest things he had ever heard anyone say.

Honestly, who thought that two people hating each other was evidence of them wanting to bang? That was just stupid. What next, was Cardin going to ask Velvet out?

With a shout, Winter launched herself towards Qrowe, point-first. Unfortunately, she was in such a hurry that she didn't notice one of Nora's old syrup bottles lying on the floor, likely there because of Qrowe's semblance. She tripped over it, causing her to tumble out of control, her course irreversibly altered. Instead of skewering Qrowe, her sword ending up buried in something else.

Namely, Jaune's chest.

Jaune blinked at the sword protruding from his chest. Slowly, he looked towards his wife.

"Hey, Qrowe?"

"Uh, yeah Jaune?"

Clearly, she was unused to staring at someone with several feet of sharpened steel sticking out of them. Jaune took a deep breath.

"I just want you to know, I want a divorce."

With that, he keeled over. Just before the life left him, one final thought raced through his head.

_Wow, this drunken marriage thing sure was fucking stupid._

* * *

**Somehow this ended up being way longer than I intended, but them's the breaks. So much for "chapters will most likely stay under 10k words", I guess.**

**Anyway, here's the first R63 chapter. I tried to do a bit more with Qrowe than just focusing on her perpetual drunkenness, since I felt like that would get stale very quickly, though I made sure to include some of it because come on, how can you write something for Qrowe and not include her being drunk? That's just wrong.**

**Speaking of wrong, I should take the time to say that there are certain characters I will definitely be doing, which includes Salem. I'm specifically pointing out Salem because a few of you seem concerned that I won't do her, and while I understand your concern, I'm going to state flat-out that it would be just plain wrong of me not to include Salem in this fic. She will be done eventually, but only when my muse decides to cooperate, same as any of the other characters. And if you're wondering why I keep using that as an excuse, it's because the last thing I want is to force out a chapter - I'd rather be in the zone for the character and write what comes naturally, since I think those chapters tend to turn out better. Still, I appreciate that you're all looking forward to that chapter, and I will be working to get it out as soon as I possibly can.**

**I'd like to give a quick shout-out to everyone who pointed out that Stress Relief is something I should read, because you were all correct, and it was fantastic. Definitely one of my new favorite Coeur stories. **

**Other than that, I don't have much else.**

**Next update: Saturday, February 22nd. **


	7. With Apologies to Australia

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 7: Velvet, or: With Apologies to Australia

* * *

One of the first things Jaune had done upon actually somehow managing to get himself a girlfriend was to call his parents and ask for advice. To him, this was a completely rational thing to do – frankly, he was still confused about how he even managed to get a girlfriend in the first place, let alone a ridiculously cute second-year rabbit Faunus. His mom had expressed concern about Jaune dating an older woman – specifically, she had said 'Oh, no fucking way am I about to let some older woman corrupt my baby boy' – and then immediately done a complete one-eighty once Jaune had put her on a call with Velvet and Mama Arc had had a chance to see that Velvet was about as dangerous to him as an actual rabbit was, not to mention cute as a button. Instead, he had been left with some actually good bits of advice, the biggest of which was 'There will be things that the two of you don't see eye-to-eye on, as well as things you don't like about each other, but remember to focus on the things you love about each other instead of those and you'll do fine'. It was pretty insightful, and definitely one of the most helpful things his parents had ever told him.

Definitely more helpful than some of the other pieces of advice his mom had given him.

"_This one's a keeper, Jaune! Be sure to put a ring on it as soon as you can! And I expect no less than six blonde-haired, rabbit-eared grandbabies from you!"_

Ironically, it was the latter that Jaune had been able to work on the most… to a point; Velvet had gotten on the pill pretty much as soon as they had started dating, and he was sure to always use a condom.

Just not tonight.

Because when the GF came a-knockin', Jaune knew better than to turn her down, even if he didn't have a rubber.

No, tonight they were raw-doggin' it.

With that important fact having been established, Jaune decided to move on, both because he was seriously horny and because the constant one-sentence paragraphs were getting obnoxious.

All that being said, Velvet definitely lived up to the stereotype. That is, she tended to breed like a rabbit.

She was insatiable – like, they were banging five days out of the week, at least two rounds a night. Jaune had actually had to shave off all his pubic hair for fear of the friction starting a fire or something.

It was fine, though – he was pretty sure Ren didn't actually use that razor. That boy's face was just naturally as smooth as a baby's bottom. The day Ren grew facial hair was the day Nora went through a growth spurt and ended up as tall as Yang, or the day Weiss spontaneously decided to be as nice as Pyrrha and also spontaneously went up by multiple cup sizes ('and also' because Jaune was pretty sure the reason Weiss was so snippy with everybody was because they were all way more stacked than her).

Anyway, the point was that Jaune had had plenty of time to work on the latter.

The former, however, was going to take a little work.

"Oh, Jaune! Ah! Wreck me kid-shitter!"

A lot of work.

Velvet let out a low moan, then bent down to look him in the eye. She grinned. "Ya close to bustin' a nut, cunt?"

Jaune blinked. _I can barely understand what she's saying. _"What?"

"Ya 'bout to shoot your wad? Gonna fill up me gash with your white Foster's?"

"...What?"

"Ya know, mate – gonna top off me fanny?"

Jaune sighed. "Babe, please. I'm trying to concentrate."

"Ach, sorry – got a bit too into it, I s'pose." She let out a giggle. "I'll make it up to ya – after this, I'll give you a wristy, yeah? Maybe a gobby, too."

This was actually something that Coco had warned Jaune about. Apparently, Velvet came from a certain part of Vale, one that had a particularly… _interesting _history behind it. From how she had explained it, Velvet's home town had started off as a dumping ground for convicts and other undesirables, but had eventually grown into a community all on its own. It was certainly a very unique part of the kingdom – it had its own unique ecosystem and wildlife, its own unique culture and values… if it weren't for the fact that it was a part of the Kingdom of Vale, it could have passed for its own kingdom.

Honestly, it seemed like a nice place, mostly – Velvet had offered to take him to visit her family there, but Jaune was honestly afraid to; his gaming experiences had taught him that everybody who lived where she did would take an extra ten seconds to load because of high ping, and that was bad enough in a video game, he didn't need to experience it in real life. But aside from that, the fact that it was always ungodly hot, the fact that it was home to spiders bigger than his head, the fact that the people there honestly thought that boomerangs were viable anti-Grimm weapons, and the fact that it was currently on fucking fire, it seemed alright.

Well, it was alright aside from the fact that they made Vegemite, which was just nasty. How Velvet ate that stuff, he had no idea.

In any case, it was definitely different from Vale, that much was certain. In fact, it even had its own unique accent, and unique system of slang.

...Which was actually somewhat unfortunate, because both of them tended to be quite crass, not to mention absolutely impossible to understand. And while Velvet had worked hard to minimize her accent so people could actually understand her, it still tended to slip from time to time. Usually, this happened when she was frightened, or nervous, or particularly happy.

Or, much to Jaune's chagrin, when she was horny.

And the hornier she got, the more she tended to slip back into her accent.

Velvet suddenly let out a low moan, gyrating her hips. "J-Jaune, I'm gonna… gonna..."

Jaune bit his lip, holding back a moan of his own. "S-so am I..."

"D-do it! Inside! Shoot your goo, my dude!"

Both of them cried out, though they were quick to cut themselves off by coming together for a kiss. After several seconds, the two of them pulled away, both of them panting heavily. Slowly, Velvet raised herself off of Jaune, biting back another moan when she had finished doing so. Now free, she rolled over onto his side, resting her head on his chest while he looped an arm around her.

"That was a good one, mate," she said, before yawning. "...Ach… Gonna have to take a rain check on that wristy and gobby – I'm right stuffed, y'know?"

He really didn't, but he could only assume that she had originally planned to jump right from one sex act to another, and given that he was just a normal guy, there was no way he was going to be able to keep up with that after having just finished. A rain check actually sounded right up his alley right now. He kissed her on the forehead, then reached for the covers and went to pull them over himself and his girlfriend, only for her to stop him, a confused look on her face.

"Th' fuck ya doin'?"

Jaune blinked. "...Pulling the covers up so we can go to sleep?"

"Yeah, nah, not when I'm leakin' your nut juice all over the place." She stood up, dusting herself off. "Gonna take a shower. Care to join me?"

"That depends. Are you planning to actually get clean this time, or were you hoping that this would be one of those showers where we just have sex while driving Beacon's water bill through the roof?"

"Pop a stiffy if ya want, but I'm not about ta do anythin' with it, not while I'm dripping your baby batter everywhere and wanna go to sleep." She shrugged. "Ya comin'?"

Jaune didn't need to be told twice.

* * *

Jaune had to admit, getting a girlfriend had been a lot different than he thought, and not for any of the reasons he would have assumed. He had always figured that he'd have to deal with his girlfriend's fetishes the same way they'd have to deal with his, but he'd always thought himself to be a pretty vanilla kind of guy – basic things like blowjobs, anal, maybe a little light bondage if he was feeling really frisky. Certainly nothing too intense.

And definitely nothing like what Velvet was into.

Jaune blinked, staring at the tool in Velvet's hands. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I think I misheard."

"I want you to take this cane and spank me with it until my arsecheeks are red and bleeding," she reported without even an ounce of shame.

"Ah." A pause. "Yeah, could you say it one more time? I don't think I understand."

Velvet rolled her eyes. "Jaune, I know you're not exactly the kinkiest guy out there, but it's straightforward." She held up the cane. "You take this cane."

"Yeah."

"I take all my clothes off."

"Uh-huh."

"I bend over in front of you and show you my arse."

"Sounds hot."

"Then you take that cane and hit me on the arse with it until it's bleeding like a bloody nose."

"You lost me."

"Which part do you not understand?"

"The part where I beat you until you bleed."

"And what do you need clarification about?"

"...Is this really something you want me to do? I mean, it sounds painful."

"_Yes, _it is. _That's the point._" She sighed tiredly. "Look, if you don't want to do it-"

"I didn't say that," Jaune interrupted. She blinked, and he sighed. "...Is this _really _something you want me to do?"

"Yes, it is."

"...Should I ask why?"

"Because I'm an incredibly kinky little bunny rabbit who gets off on physical pain."

"...Okay, then." He paused. "...Does this have anything to do with why you let Cardin pull on your ears for so long?"

Velvet grinned a lecherous grin at him. "You catch on quick. And since you brought it up, if you could just pull on my ears while you do it-"

"Uh..."

"Like, just grab hold and give 'em a big ol' tug backwards as hard as you can-"

"Babe-"

"That'd be great."

"I'm not sure-"

"Jaune," Velvet said, making him pause. "I promise, it will be okay. This is something I want you to do."

"I get that, I just… don't want to hurt you."

"And that's very sweet of you, but I'm _really _horny, and this is something I _really _want to do, and it would make me _really _happy if you gave it a try. Please? For me?"

And here came the secret weapons – the bunny rabbit eyes. Even worse than Ruby's puppy dog eyes, probably because Velvet was somehow even cuter than Ruby, despite the fact that she was a hardcore degenerate.

What was that ancient Mistralian phrase Ren had used to describe her after Nora had convinced Jaune to spill the beans on his sex life? 'Kawaii in the streets, hentai in the sheets'? Now, Jaune didn't speak weeb, but he had seen enough cartoon porn to get the gist of what his friend was trying to say, and he had to agree that it made sense.

"...Alright," Jaune said, taking the cane from Velvet's hands.

The bunny Faunus gave a squeal of delight, even doing a mini jump for joy. "Great! Now, there's a certain way I want to do this."

_Oh great, here we fucking go, _he thought.

"Lay it on me," he said.

"Okay, so I'm in my school uniform right now, right?"

Jaune quickly eyed her from head to toe. She most certainly was in her school uniform… her disturbingly provocative school uniform. Seriously, leggings? Thin skirts? Whoever came up with the Huntsman Academy uniforms was one seriously horny and lonely dude.

* * *

Up in his office, Ozpin went to take a sip from his mug, only to sneeze.

This has been your one 'cutaway to a character sneezing when someone indirectly insinuates something stupid about them' joke that all humor fics on this archive are obligated to have, I hope it was a fucking good one.

* * *

Back in Team CFVY's room, Jaune nodded. "Okay, so you're in your school uniform."

"Right. So, in this scenario, I'm the Beacon student being punished for something, and-"

"For what?"

Velvet paused. "What?"

"What are you being punished for?"

"Look, it doesn't matter, okay? We're just role playing. Make something up."

Make something up? That was going to be hard, because aside from sneaking his way in with forged transcripts, Jaune had done his best to follow the rules. Outside of that one incident in Oobleck's class, he hadn't even had detention. Heck, he barely knew what students got punished for. Oh, well; he could always take a guess.

After all, how hard could it be to improvise?

He nodded. "Alright, I'll come up with something."

"Good. So, you're the Beacon Professor assigned to punish me."

"Uh-huh."

"So I'm going to come in, and you're going to say, 'you've been a bad girl, blah blah blah, you need to be punished for what you've done', and then I'm going to pull my panties down and you're going to spank me with that cane."

"Still pretty weird, but I'll do it for you."

"Sure. So, then you're going to make me count out the hits, and I'm going to purposely mis-count, and then you're going to make me start over."

"Hold on, why can't I just give you the proper number of hits instead of starting over?"

"Because it's hotter this way."

Jaune didn't understand how. Actually, he didn't understand anything about this fetish – it reminded him of those times his parents had spanked him as a kid, and all he had gotten from that was a sore ass, not a fetish. This whole thing was like having a fetish for being punched in the kidney.

Not that he was going to say that out loud, lest Velvet actually ask him to punch her in the kidney.

"Hang on," he said, "won't you have aura protecting you?"

"I'll have my aura down."

"Well, that's kind of contrived."

"It's a role play thing, babe. It doesn't have to make sense."

"Uh, okay. So, you purposely mis-count the number of strikes. What next?"

"Then the fun part – eventually I can't take any more and beg you to stop, so you decide to carry out my punishment in another way, which of course means you tear my uniform open-"

"Why would I do that? These things are expensive. What if I accidentally rip it, or pull a button off?"

"It's worth it, trust me," Velvet implored. "So, you tear my blouse open just enough to reveal my breasts, then tear open my leggings to get to my groin, and then you pull off your belt and use it to tie my hands behind my back."

"And then we bang."

"Yes, but we do it very violently. Like, you're going really hard, and I'm begging you to stop the whole time, but you're just calling me a stupid whore and telling me to shut up."

"...Okay, I don't know if I'm comfortable with-"

"-And at one point I'll start fake crying, but you're going to shut me up by stuffing my underwear in my mouth, and then you're going to start spanking me while you fuck me-"

"Starting to sound a little creepy, babe-"

"And then you're going to really pull on my ears-"

"Babe-"

"-And by this point I'll probably have cum about half a dozen times, so-"

"Babe!" Jaune shouted, causing her to pause. "You're rambling," he said gently.

She blinked. "Ah. Sorry; got a bit too carried away."

Jaune could see that just from looking at her groin. She was leaking like a faucet. It was like that scene from _Drytanic _where the ship started to capsize and the water was flooding through the hallways, only in this case the hallways were Velvet's panties, the ship was her cooter, and the water was this is an M-rated fic not an X-rated one and you probably get the idea, please don't make me actually write something that could get this fic taken down for being too lewd.

"Alright," Velvet said, "so, let's get started."

"Okay." Jaune paused. "How do we start?"

Velvet facepalmed. She pointed to a nearby chair sitting next to a desk. "Just… take a seat there. I'm gonna be in the hallway. I'll knock, then you say come in. After that, just remember that you're a professor, and I'm being punished for something."

Jaune nodded. "Makes sense."

Velvet gave him one last look before stepping out into the hall, closing the door behind her. Jaune moved over to the chair, taking a seat on it and leaning the cane against the desk. After a moment, there was a knock on the door.

"Come in," Jaune called.

Velvet stepped into the room, looking as meek and timid as she possibly could. "Y-you wanted to see me, sir?"

"Ah, Miss Scarlatina." Jaune gestured to another chair, one next to him. "Have a seat."

Velvet nodded, doing as she was told. Okay, so far so good. Even his improvisation of asking her to take a seat had gone well. Now all he had to do was not fuck it up before he could actually get to fucking it up, if you pick up what he's putting down.

"Right," Jaune began one his girlfriend had taken a seat across from him, "I trust you understand why you're here?"

"N-no, sir… M-Miss Goodwitch told me that I was in trouble, and that I should report to you for punishment. D-did I do something bad?"

"Indeed, you did."

The only question was what. What could Velvet, adorably innocent second-year student, have possibly done that could be so bad as to warrant severe corporal punishment? Jaune wasn't sure what the school gave corporal punishment for, but he knew what his parents did.

It would have to do.

"You were caught stealing your sister's dinosaur chicken nuggets."

"Y-yes, I-" She paused. "...What?"

"Dinosaur chicken nuggets," Jaune repeated. "You stole your sister's."

"I'm an only child," Velvet deadpanned. "Also, why would my pretend younger sister even be at Beacon, why would she have dinosaur chicken nuggets, and why would anyone but her care if I stole them?"

Jaune decided to ignore her blasphemous statement about nobody caring about dinosaur chicken nuggets. "Relax, babe – it's role play."

Velvet sighed heavily. "...Alright, fine, I stole my sister's dinosaur chicken nuggets, and this is apparently a big deal. Are you going to punish me for it?"

"Yes, I am."

"How?"

"I'm going to spank you with this cane right here." He gestured to the cane.

The cane which, he recalled, was surprisingly heavy when he picked it up. Also, it had a jewel of some kind stuck to the top of it, a fancy-looking engraved handle and knuckle guard, and was adorned with gold gears. Huh.

Had he seen this cane before somewhere? It seemed far too pimpin' to have been bought at a fetish shop or something.

Pushing that thought away, he turned back to his girlfriend.

"Take your panties off."

Probably a bit too blunt of him, but the damage was done.

"D-do I have to…?" Velvet asked, her face flushing red.

Jaune was about to say yes… but then she made the crucial error of giving him the bunny rabbit eyes.

"No, you don't," he immediately said. "I could never hurt an adorable thing such as you."

"Jaune!" Velvet proclaimed. "You're out of character!"

"...Sorry, babe. Let me try again." He cleared his throat. "Oh? Would you rather have detention every day for the rest of your time at Beacon?"

Velvet rolled her eyes, but ultimately went along with it. "N-no, sir… I'll do as you ask."

"Good. Now, take 'em off and bend over."

Nodding, Velvet stood up, her legs shaking with fear. Jaune had to admit, she was actually a pretty good actor. If she ever decided that being a Huntress wasn't going to work out, then-

_Ass. Butt. Booty._

Whoops, got a little off-track there. Hard not to when his girlfriend's assets were staring him right in the face. Shaking himself out of his stupor, Jaune did his best to ignore what was going on in his pants in favor of getting up behind her, cane in hand.

"P-please be gentle…!" Velvet begged.

Jaune swallowed nervously. "N-now, it wouldn't be much of a punishment if I did that, now would it?"

Oh, Gods, this was going to be awful. He could just tell.

"I'm gonna do it."

How could anyone like this? It was going to suck, for both parties.

"Any moment now."

He was going to have to basically beat his girlfriend up, and she was going to have to be beaten. He already felt like shit just by role playing as a pervy teacher, he couldn't imagine how he was going to feel after actually hitting her.

"...Yeah, it's coming."

Could he really-

"Oh, for the love of the Gods, just hit me!" Velvet begged.

Jaune did as she asked.

_Thwack!_

"AH!"

"Babe!" Jaune shouted, tossing the cane aside. "You okay?! Hold on, I'll get some ice and-"

"N-no!" Velvet said through gritted teeth. "K-keep going! One!"

"Are you s-"

"_Yes! _Jaune, I _need _it! Oh, Gods, I'm such a bad girl! Please!"

"O-okay..."

_Thwack!_

"AH! T-two!"

_Thwack!_

"T-three…!"

Holy hot damn, three hits and he already felt like an enormous piece of shit. Even through her leggings, he could see that Velvet had started to bleed; it looked ridiculously painful. This was getting to be a bit too much.

"Babe, I don't know if I can-"

"Jaune, _please! _I'm so close!"

He hesitated. Well, if she was okay with it, then…

_Thwack!_

"AHHHH! F-four!"

There was no way this could get any worse.

"Ach, Jaune..." Velvet moaned. "Chuck it in me gash..."

There was one way this could get infinitely worse. Jaune winced, and this time it wasn't because he was beating the hell out of his girlfriend. Reluctantly, he brought the cane back, then forward.

"AH! Four, c-cunt!"

And there was his chance to stop this before it got any worse.

"Ah! You miscounted!" Jaune said, tossing the cane aside. "'Fraid I'm going to have to punish you a different way."

"What are you doing?" Velvet asked, surprised. "It's too soon to-"

"Ah, ah, ah! Naughty Beacon students have to do what their professors tell them, unless they want to get a lifetime of detentions!"

He hadn't intended to stick to the role play, but if it got him out of having to hear her talk any further, it was worth it.

Oh, and if it got him out of beating her, he supposed.

"Jaune, you slack cunt, what are you-"

Jaune cut her off by shoving her panties in her mouth, then pulling off his belt and tying her hands behind her back with it. Velvet glared at him from over her shoulder, but he didn't falter; after all, he was just doing what she had told him to.

Even though he was sure he was going to get a stern talking-to when this was all over.

Relieved that that was over, Jaune grinned. "Alright, time for the main event."

AKA, time for him to nut. Bending his girlfriend over, Jaune assumed the position, then-

_Oh, sweet Gods._

It was sheer bliss, same as it always was. Luckily, Velvet wasn't so mad at him that she couldn't enjoy it, if her low moan was any indication.

_What next? Ah, right._

He began to thrust, then reached for her ears and gave them a tug. Velvet gave a muffled scream through her gag, but it was coupled with some moans that he was _very _thankful were being muted.

That did nothing to make him feel like less of a piece of shit for hurting his girlfriend, though. This was like the Faunus equivalent of a donkey punch. Who came up with this sick shit anyway? Curse them for making his sweet, innocent GF into some kind of degenerate pervert.

Anyway, that aside, Jaune was really feeling it. Sure, it was some of the most awkward and unpleasant sex he had ever had… but one thing he had quickly learned was that sex was like filet mignon: when it was good it was _really _good, and when it was bad it was still pretty good. Velvet said something from behind her gag, causing him to wince – he knew what she wanted. He gave her another tug on her ear, and was rewarded with another scream followed by a sultry moan.

That, and the door to her dorm room exploding.

"What the fu-" Jaune said, both him and his girlfriend turning to see what was happening.

They were met by the entirety of Velvet's team, each of them glaring at Jaune with their weapons drawn. Slowly, Coco snarled at him.

"I knew it," she said accusingly. "He's forced himself onto her."

It was at that moment that Jaune realized just how bad this whole situation looked. Velvet was bound and gagged, her ears were bruised, her asscheeks were bleeding, and there were tears flowing down her cheeks.

Slowly, he raised his arms in surrender. "Uh, this isn't what it looks like?"

Velvet began to frantically shout something from behind her gag, but it was too late. Coco leveled her minigun in Jaune's direction and held down the trigger, sending him flying out the window.

* * *

"I'm sorry."

"Coco, for the hundredth time, it's fine. You didn't know."

"But I feel so bad!"

"Hey, you were just defending your friend. You should feel proud of that."

"M-my injured bunny rabbit sense was tingling!" Coco sobbed. "I'm so sorry!"

"...Your what?"

"My injured bunny rabbit sense! We all developed it after seeing Velvet get bullied! How was I supposed to know it would betray us?!"

Jaune opened his mouth to say something, only to wince when he felt an intense sting on his ass. "Ow!"

Behind him, Velvet rolled her eyes. "Oh, be quiet. It's just a little pain."

"Easy for you to say..." Jaune muttered.

Coco's attack, thankfully, had been somewhat mitigated by both his aura and the fact that it had sent him out the window pretty quickly. Still, going out the window had broken his aura and bombarded him with shards of glass, which meant that since he was naked, he was covered in cuts. Velvet had felt bad about the whole thing, figuring that it was at least partially her fault for not telling her teammates that she liked it _very _rough, and had taken it upon herself to act as his nurse.

Speaking of Velvet, she suddenly paused. "Oh, hold on – I think I see something glinting in that cut on your taint."

Oh, Gods… "Uh, babe?" Jaune asked, only somewhat frighted. "Be careful this time-"

"Yatsu, hand me those tweezers."

"...You're still mad about me going off-script, aren't you?"

"Maybe a little," Velvet said dryly. "Now relax, this will only hurt a bit."

Jaune felt her pull something out and had to bite back a shout. She was fucking lying, and she knew it.

"There," the rabbit Faunus stated, dumping the shard of glass in a nearby trash can. "You're done."

"Thank fuck..." Jaune said between gasps. "Can I put my clothes back on now?"

Yes, he was naked. It should have been awkward, but then again they had already seen him balls deep in their teammate, so it wasn't like it was anything new or any worse to them. Besides, it just made rubbing salve on his injuries (and, apparently, removing the shards of glass that Beacon's hospital team had missed) easier.

And that wasn't even going into the fact that literally nobody cared – Velvet had obviously seen it all before, Fox was blind and couldn't see shit anyway, Yatsuhashi was a guy so it wasn't like he was seeing anything he hadn't already seen, and Coco was a lesbian so aside from some gentle ribbing directed his way, she couldn't care less. At least, that had been Velvet's rationale behind him stripping down.

Obviously, the real reason was that she saw a chance to see him naked and she took it. He wasn't about to disparage her for it, either.

Speaking of Velvet, she rolled her eyes. "Yes, you big baby, you can put your clothes back on. Get dressed and let's head on down to the cafeteria."

The rest of her team went to stand up, but Velvet stopped them by holding up a hand. "If it's not too much trouble, I'd prefer it to just be the two of us. You know, because you kind of ruined our alone time last night."

"C'mon BunBun, I said I was sorry," Coco protested.

"I know, but I'd like to spend some time with my boyfriend, so if you'd please?"

"Alright, fine. Guess I'll go bug Pyrrha or something. Oh, and if you decide to start doing the horizontal boogie again, do us all a favor and put a sock on the door or something."

"Oh, whatever," Velvet said, waving her off.

Once she was gone, the rabbit Faunus turned to her boyfriend. "So, food?"

"...Yeah, that sounds good," Jaune said, rising to his feet with a wince.

He wasn't all that hungry, but at least going to the cafeteria would give him a respite from all the insanity that had happened recently.

Because, come on, how insane could the cafeteria get?

* * *

As it turned out, very insane.

"Hey, it's the freak!"

Oh, Gods dammit… Jaune sighed. Of all the days, Cardin and his team had to pick today to hang out in the cafeteria, doing… whatever it was people did in the cafeteria when they weren't eating. Bully people, he figured.

Honestly, this whole bullying thing was stupid as hell, for several reasons. Velvet herself wouldn't fight back since she didn't like to hurt people, but the rest of her team had no such qualms. Neither did Team RWBY or the rest of Jaune's team, all of whom would take great offense to his girlfriend being harassed.

Oh, and there was also him, but there were like four of them, he was still covered in cuts and bruises, and his balls were still blue from not cumming the night before, so he wasn't too keen on doing much about it.

He watched from afar, frowning as Velvet got into it with Cardin's team once more. He felt helpless; Velvet wouldn't want him to interfere since it would just make him a target for Cardin and his pack of assholes, and even if he did he would just get his ass beat.

How come the teachers just let this kind of thing go on? They had to know – Jaune found it hard to believe that Ozpin could afford to put cameras in every fucking sector of the Emerald Forest, yet he apparently didn't have them in every room in the school. He was calling bullshit on that.

What was the deal with this racist garbage, anyway? Did people not realize there were monsters like five minutes outside of school grounds that ate everybody, Faunus or not? Race was such a stupid thing to be concerned about given that fact. The only way to take racism and make it even stupider was to give said racist a metric assload of cash and have them employ that race as slave labor, then get super butthurt when members of that race struck back, and then use it as an excuse to be even more racist.

Not that he was naming names or anything.

Across the room, Cardin sneered. "So, little rabbit, I have to ask: are those ears still real?"

Velvet rolled her eyes. "You know they are, prick."

"Prick? Well, now I'm offended. I think I should check them, just to be sure."

Alright, that did it – he was calling Goodwitch. She would hate having to be pulled off her 24/7 Nora disaster watch, but this was an emergency. Jaune pulled his scroll out of his pocket, then began to type Glynda's number in… that is, what he could remember of it.

Hey, it wasn't his fault – Glynda didn't just go around programming her number into people's scrolls, and it wasn't like people still typed numbers in rather than just use their contacts list.

Basically, he remembered the area code and nothing else.

_Think, Jaune. What would Glynda's number be? _He paused. _Fuck it, worth a shot._

_555-800-8135_

The scroll rang three times before someone picked up.

"_Hello?"  
_

Again, Jaune paused. "...Miss Goodwitch?"

"_Mister Arc?" _A pause. _"...How did you get this number?"_

_Use your head, Jaune. Lie. _"Uh… lucky guess?"

On the other side of the line, he heard a sigh. _"...Okay, sure. Is this a prank call?"_

"No, I'm here to tell you that Cardin is bullying Velvet."

_"What are you calling me for? Call Coco already, you dunce!"_

That… that was actually a good point. Huh. Why did he waste time doing this, again?

Also, what the fuck, Coco? So much for her injured bunny rabbit sense. Maybe she should take a break from trying to get Pyrrha to experiment with her (at least, he assumed that was what happened whenever a lesbian went to hang out with a straight girl, otherwise porn had lied to him once again) and, you know, _actually fucking help her teammate for once instead of clam jam__ming her__._

…Not that it was much of a clam jam; Velvet, true to her word, had cum like six times last night before Coco arrived. It was basically ankle-deep in that room. The only one unsatisfied was Jaune, and boy was he.

Why was he thinking about this right now? His girlfriend was being harassed, and if he didn't stop wasting time, someone was going to do something stupid.

"Ow!"

Like that. Cardin had just tugged on Velvet's ear. Jaune mentally kicked himself for wasting so much time on pointless introspection when he could be helping his girlfriend.

...Okay, getting _other _people to help his girlfriend, but you get the idea.

Cardin began to laugh, as did his friends. Velvet lowered her head, her hair falling down to cover her eyes. Jaune suddenly felt terrible. Because of him, his cute girlfriend was now being embarrassed. He could have helped, but instead he did nothing. What kind of asshole even did that?

...Oh, right. Him, his team, and Team RWBY, the first time they saw this exact same thing happening.

Man, they really weren't good people, were they? What next, were some of them going to just throw dudes off a moving train into a horde of Grimm, leaving them to be eaten alive?

He wasn't sure why his mind went there of all places, but whatever.

Suddenly, a low laugh began to echo throughout the cafeteria. It was extremely sinister, almost supervillain-tier. It was similar to the laugh that weird girl from Haven did – the one who looked way too old to be a first-year – only not nearly as tryhard and actually intimidating. Confused, Jaune looked around, only to find that, to his surprise, it was coming from Velvet.

Cardin and his goons seemed to realize it too, as they all turned to look at her, perplexed.

"Uh, you feeling okay?" Cardin asked.

Velvet flashed him a predatory grin. "Do you have any idea what you've just done?"

"...Pulled your ears?"

"Indeed. Now, there once was a time when I would have gladly let this happen."

"What."

"But the time of using you for my own sexual gratification has ended."

Cardin quickly let go of Velvet's ears, wiping his hand on his school uniform as he stared at her with disgust.

Velvet's grin widened. "No, I have another for that. He is the only one that gets to hurt me now."

"You're fucking weird," Cardin said. He actually sounded creeped out. "I'm leaving, fuck this."

He turned and took one step away, only for Velvet to stop him by putting a hand on his shoulder. He froze, swallowing nervously.

"Jaune is the only one who gets to hurt me," Velvet stated. "Do you realize what that means?"

"...No?" Cardin whispered, his voice full of fear.

Her grin widened, showing off way too many teeth. "It means you've just done something that only my boyfriend gets to do. That means you're trying to assume his place, you know. And I don't take kindly to NTR." She flipped her hair out of the way, showing off gleaming, hate-filled eyes.

"It means you're right right rooted, you bloody bounce."

Cardin didn't even get to scream before Velvet decided to cast off her non-violent ways and open up a can of whoop-ass, all to… defend her boyfriend's right to cause her immense physical pain, all in the name of her own sexual gratification? Jaune sighed, facepalming.

This was his life now, apparently. At least it couldn't get any weirder than this.

The school intercom suddenly buzzed to life.

"_Attention," _Ozpin's voice sounded from it, _"...Has anyone seen my cane? It's been missing since last night."_

Jaune facedesked the lunch table so hard that he knocked himself unconscious.

* * *

Jaune had thought that after the spanking incident, Velvet would have chosen to rein things in a bit. It was a natural assumption, given that things had started off crazy and only gotten any crazier.

"Run this by me again, because I'm not quite sure I understand you."

Unfortunately, Velvet had other plans.

The rabbit Faunus sighed tiredly, holding up her camera. "I want to make a sex tape with you, then put it online."

Yup, she was officially going there. Sure, it wasn't nearly as crazy as the spanking incident, but Jaune wasn't exactly keen on the entire DustNet seeing the two of them naked.

"Ah." He paused. "...Is this like a fetish thing, or…?"

Velvet rolled her eyes. "Gee, what could have possibly given you that idea?"

"Well, you seem pretty keen on-"

"Yes, it's a fetish thing! The idea of other people getting off to us is insanely hot to me, and I want to give it a shot."

Sure, she was saying that, but Jaune was reasonably certain that what she really wanted was to satisfy her impulsive desire to take photos and videos of _everything_. Posting it online for others to see was just a bonus to her.

"...Forgive me if I'm a bit hesitant," Jaune said.

"Why? Do you really think people will recognize us?"

"Yes."

"Well, don't worry – I won't film anything above the chest."

"...And what if one of us moans the other's name?" Jaune asked.

Again, Velvet rolled her eyes. "I'll censor it in post. C'mon, you know you want to."

He really, really didn't. This was just about the worst idea she had ever had. He wasn't sure how, but he could just tell that this was going to backfire.

"And if I refuse?"

"Then no more sex for a month," she said.

That was a dangerous game she was playing, considering that she needed it just as bad as he did, if not more so. That wasn't to say she didn't know what she was doing, of course – this was the very definition of a catch twenty-two. If he called her bluff and dared her to do it, she probably would, which at best would result in no sex for a month for either of them and at worst put a lot of strain on their once-loving relationship. On the other hand, if he didn't call her bluff, then he would be giving in, and she would get what she wanted. Either way, he lost.

Man, this was a _real _dick move. He had always thought this was something from shitty romantic comedies and sitcoms, but she had taken that concept and fucking weaponized it. There was absolutely no winning here – the only possible solution was to pick the option that sucked less.  
And unfortunately, it was pretty easy to see what that was.

Jaune sighed tiredly. "...Set up the camera and prep your diaphragm, or whatever girls need to do to get ready for sex."

Velvet's only response was to grin smugly at him.

* * *

Jaune walked through the halls, rubbing sleep from his eyes in the process. Last night had been crazy – utterly vanilla, but intense. Velvet had certainly made up for the time lost when Coco had interrupted them. That wasn't to say it was unenjoyable… but it would have been better if she hadn't recorded it and posted it online. Like, talk about awkward. Apparently, it already had a few thousand hits, which was insane to think about.

That was a few thousand more people than he had ever thought would see his dick, to say nothing about how they had seen him actually _using _his dick. It was weird as shit to even think about.

So, he didn't. Pushing those thoughts from his head with a shudder, Jaune pushed his way through the doors into Port's class.

Upon entering, it was clear that he had made a mistake.

_Everyone _went dead silent, instantly turning to face him with a stunned expression. Jaune swallowed nervously. There was Team RWBY, the rest of his team, Team CRDL in full-body casts… the gang was all there.

Tentatively, he raised a hand. "Uh, hey?"

For a moment, nobody said or did anything. It was completely silent as they all stared at him.

And then somebody started the slow clap.

The rest of the room was quick to pick it up, creating a cacophony of noise that sounded not unlike what had happened last night – the flesh-on-flesh sound was certainly familiar. Even Port joined in.

Jaune was stunned. He had no idea what to think. Frozen, he stood there, incapable of doing anything.

Yang rose from her seat, then stepped over to him, grabbed one of his arms, and raised it up above his head. Everyone in the room went wild, much to his confusion.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" she replied. "You've only made the best porn in recent memory."

"...I did?"

"Yeah. I mean, do you have any idea how hard it is to find porn that isn't some overacted piece of shit with cringy dialog or weird fetishes? It's like trying to find a unicorn. Everyone here owes you a big favor for giving them some new fap fuel."

Jaune paled. "...You mean you all-"

"Watched it? Oh, fuck yeah. That was some good shit."

"...How'd you even know-"

"That it was you?" He nodded. Yang shrugged. "I mean, it wasn't hard – you two are loud enough already that recognizing your moans was easy enough. Also, her accent is easy to identify."

_Damn it, Vel… _Jaune thought to himself. He flushed red, though this didn't stop the crowd from going even crazier.

"Arc! Arc! Arc!"

Hesitantly, Jaune turned towards Yang. "...What do I do now?"

"Bask in the glory, my friend." She paused. "...And make more videos – you could probably make some good money off of this."

That was an awful thing to say. His and Velvet's sex lives weren't something to be exploited for financial gain. The very idea was insulting.

...And also appealing, because holy shit, if an entire fucking room full of people were willing to chant his name for something as simple as this, maybe it deserved a second thought.

Hurriedly, Jaune fished his scroll out of his pocket and sent a text to Velvet, then settled into his seat.

They needed to talk.

* * *

_Five years later…_

Salem let out a low moan as she sank down into her throne, massaging her temples. She could feel a killer migraine coming on, and it was all because of those damn humans and Faunus.

Five years ago, it was all so easy – send in the Grimm, they get attracted by humanity's terror, and she gets to sit back and watch the fireworks. Simple, but effective. It had worked for thousands of years, and there was never any reason to change it. Sure, she could have probably wiped out humanity at any time, but where was the fun in that? If she did that, she would be alone, with nothing but Grimm to keep her company and/or let her terrorize them. And while that may have been her ultimate goal, what good was pursuing a goal if you couldn't enjoy the journey? No – it was better to take things slow, and bask in humanity's terror from the shadows before snuffing them out.

At least, that was what she told herself. The alternative was accepting that she was too incompetent to truly finish humanity after having the upper hand against them for centuries, and that just wouldn't do.

Of course, the only problem with this was that basking in humanity's terror required them to actually be terrified, and for the last five years, they hadn't been.

Something had changed, half a decade ago. She wasn't sure what, but whatever it was, it made it infinitely harder to terrorize them. Suddenly, her Grimm weren't being attracted to human settlements anymore – heck, the smaller Grimm were barely following orders, so starved of fear as they were! She was being forced to use her more valuable Grimm, and was losing them faster than ever before as a result.

Clearly, this was one of Ozma's tricks. There was simply no other explanation.

The door to her chambers opened, and she sat up straight so as to look more menacing. It was Watts and Cinder – excellent, they had accomplished their mission.

"Report," she commanded. "Have you discovered what has emboldened humanity so?"

The two of them exchanged a nervous glance with each other. Odd, because both of them hated one another – this was quite possibly the first-ever show of solidarity between the two of them since they had been working under her. Neither of them said anything.

"Well?" Salem demanded, impatient.

Cinder put an arm on Watts' shoulder and pushed him forwards. He glared at her, but quickly turned back to Salem before clearing his throat.

"Yes, my lady," he said. "We… believe we have discovered the cause of your, ah… _impotence, _shall we say."

"Get on with it," Salem said, unamused.

"Of course. But perhaps it would be better to show you."

From his pocket, he retrieved his scroll. Tossing it to Salem, she caught it before opening up and looking at it. Seeing what was on the screen, she raised an eyebrow.

"Watts?"

"Yes, my lady?"

"What am I looking at?"

"I believe it's called pornography."

"I see." She paused. "...Why are you showing this to me?"

"Look at the view count."

Salem's eyes scanned the screen, searching for the view count. It was hard to figure out what was what, because she wasn't used to this newfangled technology – apparently, she was what Mercury and Emerald had called a 'boomer', whatever that meant.

Funny how they thought she wouldn't find out about that. They had definitely regretted it after spending an hour in a Taijitu's stomach. Sure, she had let them out afterwards, but it was a lesson they wouldn't be forgetting any time soon.

In any case, that wasn't important right now. Eventually, she located the view count, which caused her to involuntarily raise an eyebrow.

"Is this view count accurate?"

"That depends. Is it in the billions?"

"Yes."

"Then yes."

"But… but this is impossible! Remnant doesn't even have that many people on it! What is the meaning of this?"

Watts shrugged. "Apparently, good porn is hard to find, so people flock to it whenever they can find it."

"I… see," Salem said tentatively. Obviously, she didn't see at all. "...And why show me this?"

This time, Watts motioned for Cinder to step forwards. She did so hesitantly, clearing her throat.

"...We believe that these videos are the cause of your, um… performance problem," she stated. "It's tough to feel afraid when you're horny, you see."

Salem blinked, surprised. "...Let me get this straight," she began. "You're telling me that thousands of years of planning, centuries upon centuries of being humanity's nightmare, has been undone in five years… by videos of people having sex?"

Cinder hesitated before giving the only answer she could. "...Yes."

"...Unbelievable," Salem growled. "Ozma, this may be your most devious plan yet..."

"Actually," Watts interjected, "We don't think he had anything to do with this."

"What?! Then who?!"

"A few Beacon students – yes, I know, but Ozma knew nothing of this," Watts quickly added. "Two students in particular – a Mister Jaune Arc and a Miss Velvet Scarlatina." He paused. "...Or, perhaps, Mister and Missus Arc now – they moved fast, you see."

"This is unacceptable!" Salem shouted. "Something must be done!"

Cinder nodded. "Indeed, my queen. And I have just the plan to-"

"Cinder, I require several sets of sexy underwear!"

Immediately, the Maiden paused. "...I'm sorry, what was that?"

"Sexy. Underwear," Salem said, slowly. Turning to Watts, she said, "And from you, I will need help setting up a video camera."

"Of course," Watts said. He hesitated. "...May I ask why?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Salem asked. "I can't exactly mass an attack on one of the kingdoms with the Grimm I have left – they would be destroyed in an instant with how unified the world has gotten. No, the only option is to fight fire with fire."

She turned back to the scroll in her hand. "They want something sexy? Well, I'll show them just how sexy evil can be. And then humanity will truly fear me."  
Again, Watts and Cinder exchanged a glance. "...My queen," Watts began, "are you perhaps… jealous that these videos are receiving more attention than your Grimm are?"

"Of course not!" Salem snapped. "Suggest such a thing again and I shall feed you to Kevin."

Not her first choice of name for a Grimm Wyvern, but unfortunately, Mercury's joke suggestion had ended up sticking.

He had spent another hour inside the Taijitu for that one, but had ultimately deemed it worth it, the little bastard.

Salem crossed her arms. "Now, are there any further questions?"

Watts and Cinder again exchanged a glance for the third time before shaking their heads. Salem motioned for them to leave.

"Go, then. Get things set up. Soon, I shall have humanity's undivided attention once more."

This was the perfect plan. Absolutely nothing could get in the way of it.

* * *

Miles upon miles away, Jaune paused mid-thrust.

"Babe?" Velvet asked. "Something wrong?"

He shook his head. "Nothing."

"Come on, you can tell me anything."

"No really, it's nothing."

See, this was the thing that women didn't get – when they asked a guy what was going through his head and he said, 'nothing', the answer wasn't truly 'nothing'. Rather, 'nothing' actually meant 'there's totally something going through my head, but it's so fucking crazy and stupid that you'll think I'm weird if I tell you what it is, so you're better off just thinking it's actually nothing because I don't want you to think less of me for saying something this dumb out loud'.

"Jaune," she said sternly.

He sighed. Usually she didn't push this issue, but apparently she could see that he was really bothered by it.

_Well, here goes nothing._

"I just sensed a disturbance, as if there actually was a Grimm queen, and she discovered our videos and decided the only way to counteract the resulting positive vibes from the rest of the populace was to film sexy videos of her own to prove that evil somehow was sexier than good."

Velvet blinked. "...Uh, sure."

"Hey, you asked."

"I did. ...You, uh, feeling better now that that's off your chest?"

"Not really," he admitted. "I'm still focused on the last stupid thought that crossed my mind."

"What, that you're actually a fictional character being used in someone's shitty copyright-infringing work of fan fiction?

"Yes."

Velvet huffed. "...Babe, no offense, but is this really the time to be worrying about something like this? I mean, we're rolling."

Jaune cast a glance over at the camera. Silently, he shrugged.

"No, I guess not."

She gave him a sultry look, then leaned up to give him a peck on the cheek. "Then let's get back to it, shall we?"

Hey, she didn't have to tell him twice. He wasn't going to say no to having sex with his hot wife.

"Ah! J-Jaune… w-wreck me Down Under..."

On second thought, maybe it wasn't too late to change his mind.

* * *

**Obviously, I mean no offense to any of my Australian readers out there. If you were offended, then hopefully you will feel better tearing my probably horrendously incorrect use of Australian slang to shreds in the comment section, or something.  
**

**Anyway, I had a really good time writing this chapter, because it's fucking stupid and stupid stuff is a lot of fun to write. The stupider/crazier I can make it, the better, hence the bit at the end with Salem - I wanted to see just how stupid I could make this chapter, so I added that as a little extra when it came time to edit just to see if I could get away with it or not. **

**Aside from that, I don't really have anything else. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.  
**

**Next update: Saturday, March 7th. **


	8. Sharing Is Not Caring

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 8: Melanie and Miltia, or: Sharing Is Not Caring

* * *

For the longest time, Jaune Arc had been afraid that he was going to die a kissless, handholdless virgin. It was perhaps a bit paranoid of him – he was only seventeen, after all – but it felt appropriate given how many of his attempts to woo women ended in disaster.  
Seriously, one of them ended with her hitting him in the face and also the balls with a stun gun.

But then, everything changed one fateful night, when Yang invited him to go drinking with her. Despite his reservations about underage drinking, Jaune had decided that he didn't have anything else going on, so he might as well be a good friend and go to make sure she kept out of trouble – make sure nobody was spiking her drink, hold her hair back as she retched over a toilet, maybe call a cab if they both got a bit too fucked up, that sort of thing.

After a bit of bar-hopping, the two of them had ended up at a place called Junior's, somewhere which was already familiar with Yang given the very warm entrance the two of them received.

That was quite literal, by the way – one of those guys had a flamethrower.

After a quick explanation saying that they were simply there to drink and be merry, the situation was defused enough that the weapons were put away, and the two were allowed inside so long as they signed an arbitration agreement (whatever that was).

And then, to Jaune's amazement, he had been approached by a girl who seemed surprisingly bashful around him, and introduced herself as Miltia. Apparently, she caught a glimpse from afar and wanted to dance. Never one to spit in the face of a god-given miracle, Jaune had agreed, and the two of them had taken to the dance floor for a bit. After a few songs, she thanked him, then left. He thought that was the end of it… but then he was approached by that same girl again, only this time she was wearing a different outfit and had her hair done differently, and was much more forward with him. Again, she asked for a dance, and again, Jaune agreed. Surprisingly, her personality had completely reversed – she had gone from somewhat reserved to openly bumping and grinding on him.

Aside from him having to hide an erection, the two of them had a great time, and after again thanking him, Jaune returned to the bar next to Yang, who had a very amused look on her face. He asked her what was up, and she just laughed and said she was waiting for disaster to strike.

The only problem with that statement was that disaster never came – the girl from earlier approached and, surprisingly, apologized for tricking him. Then she introduced him to her sister.

Her _twin _sister.

Apparently, the two of them had a deal going – if they were both interested in the same guy, they would both take turns getting to know him, and then one of them would back off if she wasn't feeling it as much as the other and let the other twin take over. It was a system that had worked perfectly… until he had come along. Now, there was a hiccup.

Namely, that neither of them wanted to back off. They both liked him a lot.

Jaune had nearly fainted at that news. To learn that there was not just one, but _two _girls chasing after him? It was like a dream come true. Maybe he wouldn't die a virgin after all. Of course his relief quickly gave way to remorse when he finally noticed the Goliath in the room.

He was going to have to choose one of them.

And while Jaune Arc was many things, he was not a heartbreaker.

He had agonized over his decision for several minutes before a very drunk Yang had piped up with what had to be the most obvious solution in the history of obvious solutions.

"Why not date both?"

It was ludicrous. It was unfair to the two of them. It was something out of a bad porno.

It was absolutely genius, the twins had declared. At Jaune's dumbfounded expression, they explained that they had grown up sharing everything, so there was no reason why they couldn't share the same guy.

There seemed to be several obvious flaws with that plan, but this whole situation was already too good to be true. The stars had aligned, and fortune was smiling on him on this day – two sexy twins who wanted to share him? Yeah, he was all over that. Mom wouldn't approve, but then again Mom never had sexy twins who wanted to, for lack of a better term, treat him as the center layer of a peanut-butter-and-Jaune sandwich.

So, when faced with every teenage boy's fantasy, Jaune had done the natural thing – he had listened to his boner and said yes.

And so, that was where they stood now – Jaune had agreed to give the whole thing a shot, and for a while, it was good.

But it didn't take long for problems to begin to appear.

"Melanie, it's my turn!"

"Wait – ah! – until I'm done, Sis! We're almost there!"

Like what was going on now.

Jaune sighed tiredly as one of his girlfriends rode him like a rodeo horse. The sex was great, but it was tough to really get into it when he knew what was about to happen. Miltia was sitting a few feet away, an irritated expression on her face as she watched her sister try to squeeze every last drop from Little Jaune; the blonde cast her an apologetic glance. Obviously, a polyamorous relationship like this was going to have its problems.

He just wished they didn't extend to the bedroom.

Finally, Miltia had enough. "Alright, that's it!" She stood up, then approached her sister and roughly shoved her off of Jaune's crotch.

The blonde sucked in a breath. "G-girls, could you be a bit more gentle? It's kind of sensitive down there..."

Miltia simply grinned, victorious, as she positioned herself over top of him. "Hear that, Melanie? Jaune wants you to be more gentle!"

"A-actually, I want you _both _to be-"

"Well, he doesn't know what he wants!" Melanie protested, picking herself up off the ground. "I'll tell him what he wants!"

"Oh, like that time you claimed he wanted to call you Mommy?"

"He liked it!"

"No, he didn't!"

"What?!" Shocked, Melanie looked over to Jaune. "Jaune, tell my sister you liked it when you called me Mommy."

"Uh..." Jaune said, unsure of how to respond.

"Ha!" Miltia said. "See that? He _didn't _like it!"

"W-well, I'm always open to trying new-"

"Whatever!" Melanie replied. She cast a glance over at the clock, then glared at her sister. "Hey, I still have thirty seconds!"

"You snooze, you get clam jammed~" Miltia sang as she lowered herself down. Again, Jaune sucked in a breath. Okay, forget the sex being hard to enjoy – he was pretty close, and he was starting to really get into it now. Melanie was better than her sister at sex since she actually had some experience in that department, but Miltia was no slouch, even if she did try out crazy things from porn a bit too much.

He still hadn't forgotten that time when she had tried to, for lack of a better term, go for one in the stink while he hit her from below. Ren had once told him about an ancient Mistralian ritual called the Kancho, and Jaune had pretty much experienced it firsthand that fateful night. Easily one of the worst nights of his life.

But thankfully, tonight the girls were somewhat restrained with how they were treating him.

Emphasis on the 'somewhat', as Miltia literally throwing her sister off his dick had proven.

Miltia let out a moan when she finally reached the base. "Fuck, that's good… Jaune, my sister didn't get you to finish, did she?"

"N-not yet?"

"That's because she sucks at sex compared to me. Don't worry – Big Sis will take care of you."

Melanie's jaw dropped. "Oh, so it's not okay for me to mommy dom him, but _you _can roleplay as his big sister?"

"You heard him – he's open to trying new things~"

"A-actually, I have a big sister, and she's a lesbian, so it's kind of weird t-"

Miltia cut him off by gyrating her hips, forcing a moan out of him. She giggled softly. "Jaune, you've been a good boy, so feel free to let yourself go inside of me, since Mean Melanie couldn't get you to finish."

"I was almost there!" Melanie protested.

"She's – oh fuck… – a really selfish lover, isn't she?" Miltia asked.

Jaune didn't respond; he was too busy staring up at the ceiling, his eyes rolled back and his tongue hanging out like he was a character in a Mistralian hentai. Just a bit longer now…

Miltia giggled. "That's a good look for you. Shame Melanie will never cause it."

"That's it!" Melanie roared. "Come here, bitch!"

With that, the long-haired twin launched herself at her sister, the two colliding in a mess of limbs. They both went tumbling off the bed, landing in a heap on the floor. Jaune let out a groan as Miltia was pulled off of him, stopping him about one thrust away from finishing.

"Whore!"

"Skank!"

"Bimbo!"

"Slut!"

"Cumslut!"

"That's the same insult!"

"No it's not!"

"Is too!"

"You're just mad that you're nothing more than a semen receptacle for old men and lonely perverts!"

"Don't call Jaune an old man!"

Jaune sighed, burying his head in his hands. This was the third time this week already, and it was only getting worse. He could handle the sibling rivalries, the constant attempts to get his attention, and the awful things they called each other, but there was one thing he could never deal with.

Namely, that they hadn't let him cum before starting this time.

So now he was stuck, on the verge of an orgasm but not quite there, as he watched his two girlfriends wrestle on the ground.

...His two sexy, sweat-covered, naked girlfriends, both of them letting out the cutest little noises as they pulled and tugged on each other's hair, their hands unintentionally roaming over every square inch of each other's bodies, their breasts occasionally being pressed together…

Oh, he was feeling it. Much to his disgust.

This was wrong. They were sisters – _twin _sisters, at that. It was immoral, disgusting, and exploitative of him to watch it and not even attempt to stop it.

But at the same time, it was hot as hell, and he was a man in desperate need of release.

Sighing, he reached down with one hand, knowing this was probably going to end up being one of his more regretful faps, like that time he walked in on Nora and Ren in the shower together.

Despite what the DustNet memes said, incest was not actually wincest. It was, in fact, a very shameful fap.

Unfortunately, much like how the forbidden fruit was also the sweetest, the shameful faps also tended to be the best. Jaune collapsed, spent, and wiped his hand on the bedsheets before curling up and trying to get some sleep.

In the background, his girlfriends continued to fight. He ignored it; they would tire themselves out eventually, like a couple of puppies playing tug-of-war. He just thanked his lucky stars that they weren't playing tug-of-war with him this time.

Last time they had, his dick had needed an IcyHot.

* * *

As bad as they could get, spending the night with his two cute girlfriends wasn't actually awful – he still got to have sex with both of them, and while it tended to deteriorate into an often very literal slapfight, it was still nice to be around the twins until that point.

Of course, that was just the nights they had sex. There were still lots of things that couples did together. And unfortunately for Jaune, there was one activity that he dreaded more than anything.

Date night.

It started the way it always did: with the dreaded Eight Words.

"Where do you two want to go tonight?"

And it was all downhill from there.

"The carnival!"

"Really, Melanie?"

"What's wrong with the carnival? It's a classic!"

"It's loud, smelly, and staffed by child molesters dressed as clowns."

"That's a myth!"

"No, it's not."

"Well then, where do you want to go?"

"Candlelit dinner."

"Boring! Jaune, tell Miltia that her idea sucks!"

And there it was. No matter what the argument was about, it always had to involve him. The two of them could never just settle things on their own – he _always _had to be dragged into it. And these arguments often got _really _stupid, like the one over whether or not pink was actually its own color or just a type of lightish-red. Speaking of the Pink Incident, that was one of those arguments that seemed innocuous, but ended up costing thousands of lien in property damage.

It was like being back in the Arc household all over again, but infinitely worse because he didn't have parents to step in when he failed to defuse the situation and also help pay the bill whenever things deteriorated in a public space and things inevitably ended up broken.

Transitioning back to the argument at hand, there was a way to handle it that was somewhat fair, but it was still inevitably going to lead to one of them being disappointed.

"Melanie, we did what you wanted to do last time," Jaune pointed out.

At that, the long-haired girl deflated. "...You're right," she admitted. Sighing, she turned to Miltia. "Alright, candlelit dinner."

Jaune breathed a silent sigh of relief. That was that landmine defused, then.

"Great," he began, "So, where should we go for dinner?"

He realized his mistake the moment he said it, but even clamping his hands over his mouth wouldn't be enough to fix it. The Blake was out of the bag. The damage had been done, and the twins were now arguing once more.

"Vytalian."

"Vytalian is too rich! Let's just go get some hamburgers or something."

"Seriously, Melanie? That's not date food!"

"Of course it is! It's a classic!"

"Do you know anything about dating that wasn't learned from crappy teenage romance movies?!"

"Do you know anything about sex that wasn't learned from porn?"

"Of course I do!"

"No, you don't! You were a virgin before Jaune came along!"

"Well, that's better than being easy, like you!"

"At least I know how to please a man!"

"No, you don't! Jaune likes me in bed better than you!"

"Well, he likes me better than you in general!"

"Whore!"

"Skank!"

"Bitch!"

"You came out of Mom after I did!"

Miltia gasped, offended. Her eyes narrowed. "You agreed never to bring that up again! You take that back!"

Melanie grinned. "Nope! That makes you the baby, Miltia!"

"You can't call me the baby!"

"Why not?"

"Because that makes Jaune sound like a pedo!"

Jaune cast a glance around and happened to notice that people were staring at them. Nervously, he coughed. "Uh, girls? Could you keep it down? People are starting to stare..."

"Hear that, Melanie?" Miltia asked. "Jaune says you're being too loud!"

"Am not!"

"Are too! It's just like whenever you climax – you blow the windows out!"

"Yeah? Well, you pee yourself!"

"Squirting is not pee!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Two-dollar callgirl!"

"Turbo floozy!"

And just like that, they were back at it again, only this time there was a crowd watching. Jaune took one look at the two of them as they went at it, then shrugged, turned in a half-circle, and began to quietly walk away.

That was the thing about Date Night – as bad as it was, at least it was over quick. He was probably going to catch a lot of flak for just leaving them there, but he could always excuse it with one of his friends needing something.

Pyrrha would probably be irritated that he was using the 'My partner's on her period and needs me to get her some ice cream before she kills someone' excuse after using it the week before, but he had no other option. It was either that or suffer through the rest of Date Night.

And even about a hundred feet away, his choice was obvious.

"Flapper!"

"Low-class prostitute!"

"Nope," Jaune said aloud, crossing the street to duck inside the nearest ice cream parlor.

Anything to get away from his two arguing girlfriends.

* * *

"Damn, that's hot," Nora said, staring at Yang's scroll.

Jaune groaned, resting his head on the table. "I'd appreciate it if you all didn't oggle my girlfriends."

Yang snickered. "Hate to tell you this, but the entire DustNet's currently oggling your girlfriends – the video's got over a million hits, and it's only been a day. And I must say, it couldn't have happened to a better pair of girls."

If Jaune had been a bit more astute and a bit less concerned with getting caught in the crossfire, he would have checked to make sure nobody was recording his girlfriends' little catfight in the middle of downtown Vale. That being said, at least part of him was thankful that he hadn't intervened – the property damage was already immense enough as it was.

"Oh, here it comes," Yang said, motioning to her scroll. "And, boom! Double nipple slip – one from Bitch Pudding and the other from Thotimus Prime. Gotta love it."

"What's this video called?" Weiss asked, a hint of morbid curiosity in her voice.

"It's called 'Twin girls slapfight fail double nipple slip', in all caps and with the As replaced with 4s to get past the content bots."

"I'm surprised this is allowed on DustTube."

Yang shrugged. "They apply the rules as they see fit. Nobody really knows why they do anything. I mean, they'll take down a video for using a word they don't approve of, yet one of my favorite bands still has a behind-the-scenes video up that features them going to a strip club, and that's been up for like a _decade._ It makes no sense. Anyway, you know what it's called, so feel free to go masturbate to it like the useless lesbian we all know you are."

The heiress went beet red. "I-I wasn't!"

"You know," Pyrrha said between bites of chocolate ice cream, "That's really something I'd expect from Blake, Weiss."

Blake shuddered. "3DPD? Pass." She then turned back to her book.

Everyone gave her a strange look before turning back to Yang. Next to her, Jaune sighed.

"I just don't know what to do," he said. "No matter what happens, it ends with them fighting – we go to the movies? They fight over what size popcorn to get. We try to watch a show? They fight over who's sitting where. We try to have sex? They fight over who gets to go first. It's unbelievable."

Ruby and Yang exchanged a glance. "Uh, no it's not," Ruby said.

Jaune looked at her, surprised. "What?"

"Yeah, you really should have expected this, Vomit Boy," Yang said. "I may love Rubes, but there are some things I just can't share with her, and men would be closer to the top of that list."

"…Do I even want to know what's actually at the very top of that list?"

"My bike."

"Oh. And Ruby's is-"

"My sex toy collection." Everyone gave the little redhead a bewildered look, causing her to puff out her cheeks. "Hey, I can be kinky, too! Right, Blake?"

"If it isn't vanilla, it isn't right," Blake said dryly, again turning a page in her book. "Missionary position with the lights off or bust. Everything else is degenerate, and degenerates belong on a cross."

"...Uh, sure," Jaune replied. He turned back to Yang. "Anyway, what are you saying? You're the one who convinced me to date them both in the first place!"

Yang blinked. "I did?"

"Yes! You said that if your family could pull it off, I should have no problem!"

"Geez, either you were really drunk or I was really drunk or both of us were really drunk, because that's just wrong."

"What?!"

"Yeah, my family failed at the whole polyamory thing," Yang said, waving her hand. "My mom ran off after giving birth to me, my other mom died, my dad became a depressed wreck, and my uncle… well, he wasn't actually a part of the poly despite people thinking he's Ruby's dad for some reason, but he did end up a useless alcoholic, so there's that."

"Then why did you tell me that it worked?"

"Why were you listening to a drunk girl in a bar while you were also drunk?" Ren pointed out.

That… was a good point, actually. What was he thinking? "It… seemed like a good idea at the time?"

"Is that just how you live your life?" Nora asked. "I mean, that was your rationale for applying to Beacon with fake transcripts, then continuing to try and brute-force your way through despite lacking combat experience and basic knowledge."

Again, that was a good point, actually. Huh. He was probably going to have to find a different philosophy to live by at some point, lest he get himself into real trouble. At this rate, he was going to end up nearly getting himself killed by dumbly trying to rush down an opponent much stronger than he was in a fit of grief-stricken rage, probably while his friends just stood there and watched, and that would just be an embarrassing way to go.

Jaune sighed, hanging his head. "Alright, so what do you all suggest, then?"

Blake roughly slammed her book shut, then stood up. "Break it off."

Jaune looked up at her. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

The cat Faunus rolled her eyes, then strode over to the other side of the table, grabbed him by the collar, and pulled him to his feet. "I'll make this simple, so you can understand it: Break. Up. With. Them." She began to roughly shake him. "Poly. Doesn't. Work! Harems. Don't. Work!"

"T-they don't?"

"Not outside of porn or blatant wish fulfillment. And despite what you may want to believe, this isn't an anime and you are not a harem protagonist."

"Alright, just stop shaking me!"

Blake obliged, letting go of him and gently dusting off where she had grabbed. "Think about this, Jaune," she implored. "Poly and harems are all fun and games until the honeymoon period ends and you have to actually live with each other. Domestic life is hard enough between two partners, but if you add more to that mix, it becomes downright impossible – you won't be able to effectively balance everyone's needs, and that's assuming you're able to perfectly schedule everything on a day-to-day basis, which just doesn't happen. Eventually, someone is going to get jealous that you're spending more time with someone else, and then they're going to stab you in the eye with an ice pick for banging the other girl over her. Consider the following: You aren't happy. They aren't happy. Is this really a relationship you want to continue for a long time, possibly forever?"

Jaune blanched at that notion. Frantically, he shook his head.

"Then go. You know what you must do."

Jaune nodded, then stood up. "I know what I must do," he echoed.

"To save them and yourself, you must end the poly."

"To save them and myself, I must end the poly."

Blake smirked. "I have nothing else to teach you, young padawan. Now go, and fulfill your destiny."

"I will," Jaune declared. "Look out, Malachite twins – Jaune the heartbreaker is ready to go!"

With that, he took off, a spring in his step. Blake gave a satisfied sigh, then settled into her seat and picked up her book. She hadn't even gotten a few words in when she noticed everyone still left at the table was staring at her in shock.

"What?" she asked. "I read Mistralian smut. I know things."

Yang shook her head. "No, we just thought you were a huge degenerate and that you would actually approve of this sort of thing."

"You read too much shitty fanfic."

* * *

It was always easy to meet the twins – they both worked at the same bar, usually from the middle of the afternoon until just before midnight, which meant there was plenty of time for Jaune to get to see them after finishing up with school for the day.

Jaune passed by the doorman with a nod, who simply grunted in response. Early on, he'd had to slip the guards a bit of lien in order to get in, but the twins had put a stop to that very quickly after learning about it. They had even convinced Junior to set him up with free drinks for the trouble… not that Jaune ever partook – the last time that had happened it had ended with two sexy twins hanging off his arms, and he didn't want a repeat of that while he was still, you know, dating said twins.

Or possibly ever, given that they had caused him enough trouble that he was going to go break up with them.

At that thought, Jaune swallowed nervously. _Come on, Jaune. All you have to do is say that you're ending it with them. You saw Saph break a million hearts while you were growing up, so you should already know how it goes._

Saphron had developed a whole script for ending a relationship, one that he had been careful to memorize in case he ever needed it – call your girl over, specify that you were ending things, that it was you instead of her (even if that wasn't true), and then ask to stay friends if you wanted to. Saph made it look easy.

Of course, he was Jaune Arc, which meant the universe was probably going to piss in his face when he tried to actually put his plan into action. That was what had happened when he had revealed his transcripts to Pyrrha and also when he tried to jerk off one night only to have one of his younger sisters walk in on him.

Yeah, that had been an awkward conversation to have with his mom and dad, and not because they weren't understanding of it.

"_We know that teenage boys have needs, but you really need to put a sock on your door or something to let everyone know what you're doing. Also, if you're going to watch porn, the least you could do is not have poor taste. Seriously, light bondage? Anal? Condoms? What are you, thirteen? Nah, let Mom show you the good stuff."_

He was pretty sure that there was some insane reverse psychology stuff going on there, because he hadn't jerked off for months after that – whenever he tried to, he thought back to his mom recommending creampie compilations, as well as the resulting realization that the reason she had eight kids was purely because she had a fetish for being cummed inside.

Well, at least he wasn't an accident, like he initially feared.

"Jaune!"

The blonde boy immediately froze at the voice, then sighed. _Right, here we go._

A white blur collided with him, pulling him into a hug. "What are you doing here? We're still on the clock, we can't go out just yet."

"Hey, Melanie," Jaune said. "Yeah, I know this is sudden, but we kinda have to talk. Is your sister around?"

Melanie huffed. "Why do you want to talk to her? I'm more than enough woman for you."

Oh, she was, but more in the pain-in-the-ass way than the sexy way. "I want to talk to both of you," Jaune specified. "You know me – I don't play favorites."

It sounded nice, but that was unfortunately the problem. Luckily, Melanie seemed to accept it.

"She's working security – wrangling a couple of drunks after they got a bit too rowdy and tried to get up on stage."

"Ah. They tried to get too close to the girls?"

"No, they tried to _replace _the girls. Like, they started stripping and trying to pole dance." The corners of her mouth twisted upwards. "We thought it was funny, but Junior said they had to go, so she was tasked with getting rid of them." She waved towards the bar. "Have a seat, I'll be back in a bit."

Jaune nodded, then the two of them split. He moved over to the bar, taking a seat at one of the unoccupied bar stools.

He winced when Junior came around to see him.

"Hey there, what can I-" He paused. Behind his glasses, his eyes narrowed. "Arc."

"Junior."

"The usual, then?"

"It's a bit early to be drinking, don't you think?"

"You'd be surprised." He finished polishing the glass in his hands and set it down on the bar. "So, here to distract my top enforcers? Maybe steal them away for a little fun in the back? Oh, wait – you'd wait until I actually needed them for something before you did that, so never mind."

Again, Jaune winced. That one time had been their idea, not his. How were they supposed to know that some drunk Huntsman would have a bit too much tequila and just start wrecking things with a big-ass scythe, saying he was 'trying to live up to the example set by his niece', whatever that meant? Melanie and Miltia had been forced to run out mid-coitus and dressed only in lingerie to help get rid of him before he tore the whole club apart. Their assistance had ultimately proven unnecessary as the mere sight of two hot barely-legal twins in lingerie had given the man a major nosebleed, instantly making him pass out from blood loss, ending his rampage before he could break any more tables in half, steal any more of Junior's top-shelf bourbon, and hit on any more ice machines while calling them Winter Schnee.

Junior had then proceeded to tear all three of them a new asshole for either slacking off while working (the twins) or distracting them when they were supposed to be working (Jaune). It wasn't all bad, though – the Malachites' shift had ended soon after, so they were able to go and finish up what they had started. Oh, and the drunk man was forced to pay for all the damages, stolen alcohol, and violated ice machines that had resulted from his bender.

Back in the present, Jaune shook his head. "Actually, no. I'm..." He hesitated. Did he really want to do this? They were both so sweet to him when they weren't fighting each other – it would suck to end the relationship if there was a chance it would get better.

And then he thought back to last Saturday night.

"_Melanie, move."_

"_Miltia, if you get that butt plug any closer to him-"_

"_He said he wanted to try new things!"_

"_Not that new, you hussie!"_

"_Amateur porn actress!"_

"_Pollywood actress!"_

Alright, fuck that, this thing was ending tonight. "Actually, I'm here to break up with them," Jaune declared.

Junior raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Hold on a sec."

Junior reached under the bar, pulling out a bottle of rum and a soda. He poured both into a shaker along with some ice, then mixed it up before pouring it all in a large glass. Being sure to add a little umbrella, he passed it over to Jaune.

"White rum and Schnee Cola, with an extra shot of rum," he declared. "On the rocks, and on the house. You're gonna need it."

Jaune eyed the drink in front of him. He appreciated the gesture, especially since Junior hated doing anything for free, but this was really something he ought to do sober.

"He's just over there, Miltia."

Placing the now-empty glass back down on the bar top, Jaune wiped the excess liquid from his lips before standing up to face his girlfriends.

A smile crossed Miltia's face. "Jaune!"

She pulled him into a hug, one which Jaune was hesitant to reciprocate given what was about to happen. They broke apart after a few seconds, leaving him awkwardly standing there.

"So, Melanie said you had something you wanted to talk to us about?" Miltia asked.

Jaune gulped nervously. Naturally, neither one had any idea about what was about to happen. Was this really the right thing to do? He already felt like a scumbag and he hadn't even said anything to them yet.

Then he thought back to the time he had gotten the two of them had accidentally gotten him the same birthday present (themselves, dressed in sexy underwear) and started arguing over who wore it better, and his decision was made.

"Yeah, uh..." He cleared his throat, then began rubbing the back of his head. "...Well, this isn't the easiest thing to do…"

The girls exchanged a glance. "Something wrong, Jaune?" Melanie asked, concerned.

"No. I mean, yes? Maybe? With you, not me – I mean, with me, not you! You aren't the problem, I am!" Jaune groaned. "Gods, why is this so hard…?"

"Are you feeling okay?" Miltia asked. "Do you need to lie down?"

"Do you need Doctor Melanie and Nurse Miltia to help you?" Melanie questioned.

Gods, no – Miltia had tried to take his temperature the last time, and not with an _oral _thermometer.

"Hang on, why am I the nurse?" Miltia asked accusingly.

"Because you were the nurse last time!"

"Well, what if I want to be the doctor this time?"

Behind the bar, Junior facepalmed, then turned to Jaune. "Would you just fucking do it before the two of them burn the club down? We're still rebuilding from when that one Beacon professor tried to order a coffee and found out we only have booze, and I'd rather not tack on extra repairs on top of those."

Junior was right. There was no easy way to do this, so he might as well get it over with. It was time to be a man.

Jaune took a deep breath, stood up straight, puffed out his chest, and belted out the five magic words.

"I'm breaking up with you!"

Everything in the club froze. All the patrons and dancers turned to stare. The flashing lights suddenly stopped flashing. The pole dancers slid off their poles, then froze, looking at him with wide eyes. The music ended with a record scratch. Professor Goodwitch paused, her bottle of whiskey halfway to her mouth. Most importantly, the twins stood in front of him in wide-eyed shock, their jaws on the floor.

Junior suddenly waved his hand. "Move it along, people! Nothing to see here but teenage angst! If you wanna watch a trainwreck, go watch the pole dancers – it's Thursday, so that means you'll see track marks and a bullet hole or five!"

With that, the whole club resumed what they had been doing. The patrons and dancers returned to patronizing and dancing, the flashing lights resumed, the pole dancers shot Junior a dirty look before going back to whoring it up, the music came back on, and Professor Goodwitch chugged her whiskey before throwing some lien on the table and getting up and leaving, declaring that she saw enough teenage angst while working at Beacon and she didn't need to see anymore while off the clock.

The twins, meanwhile, exchanged a glance before looking back at Jaune. "You're… breaking it off?" Miltia asked.

Jaune nodded. "Yes."

Next to her, Melanie grinned, then pumped her fist. "Ha! Sorry, Sis, but looks like I won!"

"No, you didn't," Jaune said, shaking his head. "I'm breaking up with both of you."

Melanie's overjoyed expression quickly gave way to despair. "...W-what? B-but..."

"I'm sorry," Jaune said. He really wasn't, but it felt like the right thing to say. "I just can't do this anymore. I'm not cut out for polyamory, even if it's with two hot twins. Truthfully, I don't think either of you are cut out for it, either – you spend more time fighting than anything."

Again, the two of them exchanged a glance. Jaune's eyes widened. "I-I mean, it's not you, it's me!" he hastily added. "Yeah. All me. I'm a huge dick, you know? All my fault."

Miltia waved him off with a sigh. "No, we get it. We… haven't been good girlfriends, have we?"

Melanie sniffled. "Mil..."

"Hey," Miltia said gently, pulling her sister into a hug. "It's alright." She shot Jaune a dirty look. "You didn't have to be such a dick about it, you know."

"Sorry."

"We really did like you, you know? We tried."

"I know."

"Yeah." Miltia paused. "Of course, you realize what this means?"

"We're done?"

"Well, yes, but now we're going to have to kick your ass."

The two suddenly broke apart, readying their weapons. Jaune felt the blood drain from his face.

"Uh, should I ask why?"

"Girls don't like to have their hearts broken, Jaune," Melanie explained. "The two of us may fight a lot, but that's one thing we can both agree on."

"You made my sister cry," Miltia added. "And as much as she gets on my nerves, blood is thicker than water."

"I see." He paused. "...I'm gonna start running, now."

"Probably a good idea," Junior added. "Might I recommend the front door? If your teenage drama damages my club, I'm kicking your ass after the twins are done with it."

"Sounds like a plan," Jaune said. He reached for his empty glass, pulled out an ice cube, and placed it in his mouth before nodding towards his now-ex girlfriends. "Ladies."

And then he was running, faster than he had ever run before. He weaved through crowds of people, juked around Junior's thugs, even shoved the DJ into the twins' path, all to keep the girls off of him.

However, it all proved unnecessary, because the twins were once again fighting over something stupid.

"I'm telling you, once we catch him, I'm using the thermometer!" Miltia declared.

"That's nasty, Mil! Just beat him up like a normal girl going through a bad breakup!"

"But he doesn't like butt stuff! It's the perfect revenge!"

"Why are you like this?!"

Jaune blinked, then breathed a sigh of relief. Straightening out his clothes, he nodded apologetically towards the DJ, then leisurely strolled through the front door and out into the Valean afternoon. He took a deep breath, retching when the scent of bad neighborhood, car fuel, and crackhead filled his nostrils. Stopping to smell the nearby flowers, Jaune breathed a sigh of relief, then continued on his way back to Beacon.

All things considered, that had gone pretty well. He had broken up with his girlfriends, hadn't gotten killed, hadn't ruined Junior's club, and his anal virginity was still intact. That was a win in his book.

Still, for as crazy as the Malachites had been, there were some good times. There was that time they had sex in the back room of Junior's club, that time they had rented a motel over the weekend so they could have non-stop sex, that time he had taken the twins to Beacon so they could have sex in his dorm room… huh, now that he thought about it, there weren't many good times that didn't involve sex, and even then a good amount of the sex had ended in an argument anyway. Maybe his relationship hadn't been as good as he had thought it had been.

Shrugging, Jaune continued on his way. If nothing else, he was no longer a virgin, and he now knew he would be capable of holding down a relationship in the future, assuming the girl was somewhat normal.

While he doubted it was even possible, he just hoped his next girlfriend wouldn't be as bad as the Malachites had been.

* * *

**This chapter was brought to you by the front page of r/Polyamory, which has done more to turn me against the concept of harems and polyamory than any other argument ever could have, because good Christ, that subreddit is like a constant, ongoing train wreck of bad decisions and relationship problems. There are just some things that should really be relegated purely to fiction, because trying to implement them in real life is a fucking disaster.**

**I don't even like Reddit (I actually think it is hands-down one of the worst sites on the internet today), but r/Polyamory is good to browse if you're ever feeling like a huge fuckup, because at least you're not as much of a fuckup as the people who post on there. It's like the online version of _schadenfreude._ I've taken to referring to it as the ResetEra Effect.**

**Anyway, that aside, I had fun with this one. Melanie and Miltia were kind of difficult to work with given that they have barely any screen time and we hardly know anything about them, so it was entertaining trying to work with what little info I had to go on. **

**Besides that, I don't have much else. See you all in two weeks, with a chapter that's shaping up to be one of my favorites so far.**

**Next update: Saturday, March 21st.**


	9. This Chapter Is Bullshit

Problems With Dating The RWBY Girls

Chapter 10: Eve (Adam R63), or: This Chapter is Bullshit

* * *

Jaune was no stranger to a lot of things. That was just nature of being on a team with Nora, he supposed – weird shit tended to happen to you. Sometimes you woke up and stepped in syrup. Sometimes Nora tried to break your legs for some imagined slight. You know, the usual. Point is, he thought he had experienced pretty much everything. Today had proven him wrong, though.

Because nothing could have prepared him for this.

Not even his hours upon hours of playing erotic visual novels, despite how similar this situation was to some of them.

The woman in front of him leered at him from behind her mask, placing one hand on the hilt of her sword. "What is this, Elisa? I hate everything I'm looking at."

Behind him, the massive woman leaned on her chainsword. "We found him snooping around the warehouses, Eve. We think he's a spy."

Okay, that was about as far from the truth as it got, because he didn't even know who these people were. The truth was, he was just trying to clear his head with a walk around town – Cardin had him on a tight leash thanks to that garbage with his transcripts, so he figured a good stroll would clear his head. Without thinking, he had stumbled into the bad part of town, and apparently accidentally interrupted some meeting between various masked individuals.

Now, Jaune would be the first to admit that he wasn't the most astute person in the world, but even he knew that when you accidentally stumbled upon a group of angry-looking people decked out in masks and huddling over a table in some warehouse somewhere, you didn't stick around. So he ran, definitely without leaving a trail of pee behind him.

Unfortunately, they ended up catching him anyway. He was pretty sure one of those girls (they were all women) was part cheetah, so it only made sense.

What? Don't look at him like that – he may have been sheltered growing up, but even he knew what a Faunus was. He wasn't completely stupid – not knowing aura was pretty stupid, he would admit, but not knowing about Faunus? That would have been downright retarded.

Anyway, needless to say, they had caught him and dragged him back to their base. It was actually kind of hot, being bound and gagged by a bunch of women who could kick his ass. Like something out of Blake's porn.

It stopped being hot when they had dropped him in front of the big woman with the massive chainsword, massive muscles, and massive double-D titties, mainly because she was awful at interrogation.

"_You see this chainsword?! I'm gonna cut off your little bitty testicles with this chainsword!"_

If he weren't gagged, he would have told her to stop trying so hard, because it was unbecoming of a majestic creature such as herself.

Hey, she may have been holding him hostage, but he had a type, okay?

...Though, if he had to admit, the redhead in front of him was doing all sorts of things to his tombstone. Like, come on, she was basically wearing a bathrobe. Sure, it marked her as a huge weeb, but it was also showing off the top of her breasts slightly, and hot _damn, _it was nice.

It was also ridiculous as hell. Like, really, a robe? What next, a black-and-red leather suit? Come on, dude.

The woman scowled, then motioned towards the big woman. "Leave us, Elisa."

Elisa nodded. "By your command."

The door shut behind her, leaving just Jaune and the redheaded bull Faunus. She stared at him from behind her mask; he blinked. After a few seconds, she scowled, then approached him and reached for her sword.

"Stand still."

His eyes widened. This was it, then – here lies Jaune Arc, he never scored and he got killed by a smoking hot redhead. He closed his eyes, waiting for the end to come. The sword whistled through the air, but rather than kill him, he felt the gag fall away from his mouth. Confused, he opened his eyes, only to find Eve sheathing her sword.

"I have questions for you," she stated.

Okay, obviously she was trying to be all ominous and shit, but Jaune was going to have to pump the brakes, because now he wanted some answers.

"Did you really have to do that?"

Eve paused. "...What?"

"That thing, with your sword," Jaune asked. "Like, I get that you were trying to be cool, but it just made you seem edgy, you know?"

"What are you-"

"Also, what if you had missed? You could have cut me, or smashed some of my teeth in. If you're trying to interrogate me, that would have been a good way to end it quickly, you know?"

"I'm not sure I-"

"And speaking of that, I'm not sure what you expect me to know, considering that I just kind of stumbled upon you all."

"Shut the fu-"

"All I'm saying is, this operation has been pretty sub-par from the start. You've all been trying to scare me, but all you've managed to do is give me a fetish for femdom, so-"

"Enough!" Eve shouted, finally getting him to stop talking. She exhaled sharply. "Here's how this is going to work: I'm going to ask a question, and then you're going to answer."

"And then you'll let me go?" Jaune asked, hopeful.

"No."

Well, it was worth a shot. "...Alright, ask away."

"What were you doing at the warehouse?"

"Going for a walk, I swear," Jaune said.

"A walk?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"A walk that just so happened to take you to our headquarters, where we were planning an in-depth operation?"

"Affirmative."

"A walk that took you past our sentries, none of whom saw you enter?"

"Correct."

She scowled. "That's bullshit."

Heh, _bull_shit. Get it?

He bit his tongue to keep from making a jab at her Faunus heritage. "...I mean, it kind of sounds like it, but it's true. Would you believe me if I said that I had no idea where I was going?"

"No."

"Well, I had no idea where I was going. 'Cuz, you know, my mind was elsewhere. I'm a Beacon student, you see, and-"

Immediately, Eve perked up. "A Beacon student?"

"Uh, yeah. So, there's this guy-"

"Do you know Blake Belladonna, by any chance?"

Well, that was just rude. He was trying to tell a story, and this incredibly attractive bitch kept interrupting him. "Yes, now if you don't mind-"

"What is your relation to her?"

Wow, that was annoying. Was this what it felt like earlier, when he kept interrupting her? Suddenly, he felt a lot more sympathetic towards her. Frankly, it was a miracle she hadn't bashed his teeth in with her sword then and there.

"She's a friend, okay?"

"A friend?"

"Yeah, she-"

He paused. Actually, were they even friends? They didn't exactly do friend things together – you know, chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool, maybe shooting some b-ball outside the school? They didn't really do any of that; all Blake really did was read porn and write angsty poetry that she thought nobody else knew about, but that they all actually knew about, and occasionally read aloud to each other when they wanted a laugh. Come to think of it, when was the last time Blake did anything with anyone? She spent most of her time by herself, with her only interactions with people being to shoot Weiss sideways glances for some reason. Did she even talk with Ruby?

Did anyone even like Blake? Jaune was honestly starting to wonder. Now that he thought about it, she was kind of a shitty person.

Also, her bow sometimes twitched, which was just weird. Nobody else had brought it up though, so it must not have been important.

Coming back to reality, Jaune shook himself out of his stupor. "...Yeah, I know of her."

"You know of her," Eve echoed.

"Yeah, she's… a person. That I'm aware of."

"There's no relationship between you two?"

"No, there's not. Not even a little."

"Did you even know she was a cat Faunus?"

She was? Huh. Guess that explained the bow.

...Now that he thought about it, man, that was a shitty disguise. What kind of asshole tried to hide their kitty ears with a bow that looked just like kitty ears? Fucking stupid.

"...I mean, I do now," Jaune answered.

"Really?"

"Honestly, I'm not even sure if I like her or not – she's said like two sentences to me since I've been at school."

Behind her mask, Eve scowled. "...I think you're lying."

"Lady, I couldn't be telling the truth any harder if I tried."

"You're really laying it on thick."

Well, it was starting to look like he wasn't going to be able to convince her, and that meant he was probably a dead man. But if he was going to die, he could at least figuratively spit in her eye first.

"So are you, you fucking hot edgelord," he countered.

"...What?"

Jaune froze. That seemed like a pretty macho thing to say up until he actually said it and realized it likely meant she was now going to kill him twice as hard.

_Well, shit. Better think of something smart to get yourself out of this mess, you dumbass._

What he thought of was 'Hey, I think Blake is outside, and she's not wearing any underwear'.

What he said wasn't that.

"Uh, nothing."

_Smooth, Jaune._

"You're shit at lying, you know that?" Eve said, shaking her head. "Anyway, I can tell how this is going to go, so I guess I should just kill you now."

She began to unsheathe her sword, and Jaune's eyes widened. "W-wait!"

To his surprise, she did. "Yes?"

"...Don't I get a last request?"

She exhaled. "...Fine." Her sword slid back into place with a click. "What do you want? And make it fast."

_Be smart about this one, Jaune. Stall for time – maybe Pyrrha will come investigate, and then they can take _her _hostage instead of you._

"...Uh, well, why don't you explain just what's going on here?"

Gods, it felt even dumber to say it out loud. He could have sworn his IQ just dropped ten points, merely by saying that.

Again, Eve blinked. "What?'

"Yeah, you know, you're about to kill me, but I don't know anything about this organization, so why don't you fill me in? You know, like a James Pond movie – the villain always explains their plan, only this time you actually kill the hero instead of letting them escape."

"...This is your last request?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Really?"

"Lay it on me."

She breathed heavily. "Alright, fine. We're the White Fang, a Faunus supremacy group. We're dedicated to the eradication of humanity due to centuries of our species' mistreatment at their hands. We will accomplish this by committing a multitude of terrorist acts, all of which will serve to set humanity back and doubtlessly lead to many dead people. Faunus akbar, inshallah, salil al sawarim, and all that." With that, her hand drifted back down to her sheathed sword. "Now, if you don't mind-"

Jaune blinked. "...That's your plan?"

Eve facepalmed. "Yes, now shut up so I can-"

"Well, it's a stupid plan."

"Oh? And I suppose you have a better plan?"

"Actually, yes."

"Well, this'll be good." To Jaune's relief, she took her hand off her sword.

But to his horror, she cupped her hands around her mouth, then shouted.

"Hey, Elise! Get the girls in here – the human said our plan is stupid and he has a better one!"

Well, shit. So much for his plan of getting out of this with his dignity intact. White Fang members began to file into the room, each of them taking up positions around him to listen in. Suddenly, Jaune felt a lot more apprehensive about his plan.

"Well?" Eve said. "We're waiting."

Well, no sense in postponing it. Jaune swallowed nervously. "...So, your plan is to kill all humans, right?"

"Obviously."

"...There's a better way, you know."

"Oh? Do tell."

Suddenly, he was having second thoughts. This was a fucking stupid plan. They would probably kill him the instant they heard him say it, and he couldn't blame them. Hell, he wanted to kill himself just for thinking of it, it was so stupid.

But desperate times called for desperate measures, so here went nothing.

"...Well, when a Faunus and a human breed, Faunus genes are dominant, right? So, if a Faunus got together with a human, it would almost certainly result in another Faunus. So why don't you all just woo however many humans you can, then outbreed them over several generations?"

He expected laughter.

He was terrified when he didn't get any. Instead, looking around, he saw all the White Fang deep in thought.

Including Eve, much to his horror.

"...You may have a point," Eve conceded.

"O-of course I do!" Jaune shouted, seizing the opportunity presented to him. "Why risk the lives of your own people trying to fight humanity when you could subvert them in a non-violent way? Spread love! Demographics, destiny, all that bullshit – ah, no offense."

"...None taken," Eve said, much to his surprise. "You've… given me a lot to think about, human."

Seriously? Just how stupid were these people? Nevertheless, Jaune nodded. "So, does this mean you're still going to kill me?"

To his relief, she shook her head. "No."

He breathed deeply.

"But I'm not letting you go, either."

"...What."

Eve flashed him a grin, one with far too many teeth. "No, I have other plans for you, human. After hearing what you had to say, I must admit that you're right – there is a better way, one that doesn't expose my people to danger. And who am I to turn my nose up at an opportunity like that?"

Jaune felt a chill go down his spine. Suddenly, he felt like he might have just made things worse.

Eve turned to the crowd around her, stretching out her arms. "My sisters, you know what you must do! Go out, and be the best waifus you can!"

A loud cheer went out through the crowd before they all went stampeding out the building. Jaune felt his heart sink into his stomach.

What fresh hell had he just unleashed on Remnant?

He heard something come clattering to the floor in front of him; turning, he found that Eve had dropped her sword. He swallowed nervously.

"Uh, Eve? What are you doing?"

Again, she grinned at him. Somehow it had even more teeth than before. "Don't play dumb – you were the one to recommend this course of action, so it's only fair I use you as the test subject."

Oh, Gods, she was going to rape him. Could this get any worse?

"Also, you're clearly Blake's boyfriend, so I'm going finally going to get my revenge on her for breaking up with me by stealing her from you."

Oh, Gods, it just got worse. She was delusional _and _horny.

Oh, and she also wanted to have sex, too.

Again, he swallowed nervously. "Now, listen-"

She gently shushed him as she stepped in close, cupping his cheek with one hand and smirking at him. "Shhh, my little human – soon, you will have done your part to secure a future for our people. It will all be over soon. Who knows, you may even find that you like it."

With that, she put one hand on his chest and gently shoved him backwards so he was lying on the floor. Jaune struggled against his bonds, but it was no use – Elise had tied him up tight. There was no escape. He watched with horror as Eve removed her belt, then began to tug at her robe. Slowly, she pulled it off.

And almost instantly, Jaune's struggles stopped.

Oh, she had been hot before, but now? She was like the surface of the sun. Toned, yet also curvy; a perfect hourglass figure, her abs faintly outlined against her stomach, and most importantly, what little carpet there was absolutely matched the drapes.

_What's going on in _my _pants? Mission Control, we have liftoff._

Eve stared at him, licking her lips. "Like what you see?"

He didn't. Of course he didn't; that would be wrong. She was a terrorist, one who until he popped a stiffy had been about to force herself on him in order to get him to impregnate her, and-

...What was the problem with this, again? Obviously there was one, but all the blood had gone from his brain to his dick, so he wasn't thinking clearly at the moment. Instead, he nodded. Eve's smirk widened.

"Then you're going to love what happens next."

Oh, he most certainly did.

* * *

It took a few weeks, but Jaune was finally able to go back to Beacon. Not because Eve was holding him hostage or anything – he just didn't want to leave, mainly because they had done nothing but fuck for the last few weeks, and aside from being very dehydrated, he felt great. But all fun things had to come to an end, and in this case, the 'end' was in the form of Pyrrha somehow tracking down his mom's number and threatening to call her if Jaune didn't come back to Beacon right now. So, he had reluctantly called an end to his and Eve's weeks-long fuckfest, much to both of their displeasure – him because the sex was coming to an end, and her because she wasn't pregnant yet.

That was a weird thing to say about the woman who had captured him and tried to kill him, but he had stopped caring after his fifth orgasm.

Of course, going back to Beacon wasn't going to be as easy as he initially thought, mainly because Eve had a condition for him going back.

"Jaune, what the fuck is this?!" Blake screamed, drawing her sword and pointing it ahead with shaking arms.

Behind her mask, Eve rolled her one good eye. "Oh look, Blake is here to play the role of the crazy ex-girlfriend. How nice."

"What?! _You're _the crazy ex-girlfriend, you psycho bitch!"

"I'm not the one pointing a weapon at somebody. I get that I broke up with you and cucked you by stealing your man, but there's no reason to get violent about it."

"_I _broke up with _you_! And Jaune isn't my boyfriend!"

Yup, this was already a disaster. Tentatively, Jaune took a step backwards to try and get away, but Eve simply reached out and grabbed him by the shoulder, holding him there. He heaved a sigh of resignation, knowing that this was only going to get worse.

They hadn't even made it off the airship landing zone yet. Just his luck that he would run into Blake on the way in.

Eve suddenly smirked, then turned towards Jaune. "Hey, I have an idea."

Oh, Gods… "Do I even want to know?"

"Just roll with it, my man of miscegenation."

And then she was pressing her lips against his in what had to be one of the most passionate kisses the two of them had ever shared. Like, seriously, it was _hot – _she was using her tongue and everything, even running it over his teeth. Suddenly, he felt the need to both plant some seeds and also pull away because good Gods, he needed some air.

After a solid minute, Eve pulled away, brushing off the thin trail of saliva that still connected them. Jaune stood there, dumbfounded, as she looped her arm around his, leaned her head on his shoulder, and gave Blake a wide smirk.

"Good dental work," Eve reported.

Blake simply stood there, jaw almost touching the floor. "...What the fuck? Jaune, are you dating Eve Taurus?"

"Oh, we're far past the point of dating," Eve reported proudly. "Jaune is going to get me pregnant."

"What?! Jaune, is that true?!"

His mind said yes.

His mouth said, "Why do you care?"

But in his defense, it was a fair question.

Eve smirked. "Yeah, Blake, why do you care? He's not your boyfriend anymore."

"He was never my boyfriend! Jaune, tell her we were never dating!"

"We were never dating," Jaune said honestly.

Eve frowned. "Jaune, what did I say about lying to me?"

"...If I do it, no more anal for a week?"

"That's right."

Jaune blinked, then turned back to Blake. "I'm sorry, but it's just not going to work out between us anymore. I'm sure you understand."

"Wha- Jaune, don't fake a relationship with me just because you want anal with your terrorist girlfriend!" Blake protested.

"Who's faking, besides me with all the orgasms you failed to give me?"

Ignoring Blake's seething, he turned to Eve for guidance. She nodded, then waved her hand encouragingly. Clearly, she was enjoying this.

Jaune was too, because again, did anyone even like Blake? Easily the worst girl on Team RWBY, and that was saying a lot considering that Weiss was also on it. Weiss may have been a complete chestlet by comparison, but at least she had some redeeming qualities like… uh… well, she was nice during those five minutes a day when she wasn't being frosty, whereas Blake was always kind of standoffish and tough to get along with.

Truly, she was just a shitty kitty. A fecal feline. A poopy pussycat. A number-two tabby. In any case, Jaune certainly had no regrets doing this to her, and not just because the alternative was not being able to plunder his cowgirl's sunken caverns.

Where was he? Oh right, taunting Blake. Honestly, he probably shouldn't have been having as much fun as he was, but if he was going to lie for anal, he might as well enjoy it.

The lying, that is. Not the anal. At least, not yet.

"Yeah, sorry, Blake," Jaune announced, stretching his arms out and placing one over Eve's shoulder, then pulling her close. "But I've finally found someone who enjoys me for me."

"What are you saying?" Blake questioned, exasperated.

"You know, she doesn't try to change who I am. She respects the fact that I prefer comics over books."

"Oh, come on! I only made fun of you for that one time!"

Yeah, because she was a bitch.

"You even laughed about it!"

...Well, if you can't laugh at yourself… not that he was going to admit to it given the circumstances.

"...Nuh uh," he replied.

"Oh, don't start, Arc! This isn't a childish argument!"

"Really? Because I think it's very childish. I guess that makes me a child, and if I'm a child, then that makes you a pedophile."

"That doesn't even make sense! We've never even had sex, you ass!"

Jaune turned to Eve. "Hear that, babe? She's so unlikable that she can't even convince a little boy to sleep with her."

"What the fuck, Jaune?!"

Eve smirked, turning back towards Blake. "Well, I've about had my fill of this conversation, so I guess we should head inside now."

"Oh, no you don't!" Blake announced, raising her sword once again. "I'm putting a stop to this, once and for-"

"Actually, no you're not," came a voice from beside them.

Turning, they all found Ozpin standing there, coffee mug in one hand and a small stack of papers in the other. Approaching, he stopped just in front of Blake, who stared at him in confusion.

"Professor Ozpin? Sir, you have to do something – that's Eve Taurus!"

"Yes, I am aware," he announced before taking a sip of coffee.

Blake paused. "...So, aren't you going to do something about that? She's kind of Remnant's most wanted terrorist-"

"_Was _Remnant's most wanted terrorist," Ozpin interrupted. "Now, she's Remnant's most up-and-coming Beacon student."

"WHAT?!"

Jaune winced. If he didn't know any better, he would have thought Blake's shout had broken glass somewhere.

"Who did that?!" Yang shouted from across campus. "Which one of you dead motherfuckers just broke my bike's windshield with your bitchy whining?!"

Never mind, then. Man, Blake just couldn't catch a break today, could she?

Was this… was this what it felt like to watch someone else be the universe's punching bag for once? It was honestly surreal – Jaune was so used to things going completely tits-up for him that seeing it happen to someone else was a bigger surprise than that time Pyrrha accidentally sent him photos of herself in her underwear.

"Professor Ozpin, you can't be serious!" Blake protested.

"Oh, I am quite serious," Ozpin replied, showing Blake the papers in his hand. "She sent in an application and everything."

"But she's a terrorist! She's killed people!"

"I've taught worse."

"Wha- you have?!"

"I taught the Branwen Twins."

"...I don't know who they are."

"I taught Glynda."

"Ah." Blake paused. "...Well, that still doesn't excuse letting in Eve!"

"Now, now, Miss Belladonna, I'm sure you can work something out."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Beacon is no stranger to polyamory given the existence of Team STRQ, so I'm sure you, Miss Taurus, and Mister Arc can figure out an arrangement-"

Blake's rage-filled shout left Jaune deaf for the rest of the day.

* * *

Jaune really should have thought about what bringing Eve to Beacon would entail. He figured that Blake would be unhappy and had deemed that a necessary sacrifice for the greater good, but there was one thing he had forgotten to take into account, that being which team Eve would end up on. Thankfully, Ozpin had thought of that.

Sitting at the breakfast table, everyone stared at Eve incredulously – Weiss and Blake for obvious reasons, Yang and Ruby because the rest of their team was unhappy with her, and Pyrrha, Ren, and Nora because Jaune had kicked them out the night before in order to get some.

Hey, they may have been his friends, but he had needs. Unless they wanted to get a face-full of his ass, they were better off sleeping on Team RWBY's floor that night. And the next night. And the next night. And the next night.

...Maybe he ought to see if he could get Ozpin to give him his own room or something.

Weiss loudly cleared her throat. "Dating a terrorist is one thing, but must you do that at the table?"

Eve finished dragging her tongue up the side of Jaune's face to turn to Weiss, a smirk on her face. "What's the matter, Schnee? Can't handle a little public display of affection? Just for that, I hope you meet a wonderful Faunus, enter into a beautiful relationship with him, and have many healthy children together."

Obviously, now that she had directed her racism towards breeding with humanity rather than destroying humanity, Eve's racist insults had become less than effective.

Still, it was better than her being a complete edgelord, like Jaune had expected. Seriously, she had blood-red hair, wore all red and black, wore a Grimm mask, and used a katana. All she needed to do was talk about magic eye powers and how this wasn't even her final form and she could have completed the weaboo image, and then Jaune would probably have to break up with her because good Gods, no amount of mind-blowing sex could make up for that cringe.

But thankfully he had managed to run into her and give her the dick before she had started practicing her hand signs or whatever, so he had spared Remnant that fate.

Man, he had better get some recognition for everything he was doing for the world. He had both single-handedly improved race relations by like a hundred times _and _he had prevented the rise of the biggest weeb who had ever weebed. If that wasn't worth a fucking medal, then nothing was.

Anyway, Weiss ignored the 'insult', as had most of the people who had been on the receiving end of one over the past day or so. "That was more than just a simple PDA, and you know it. It's indecent!"

"Nobody else seems to mind."

"Actually-" Ruby began.

Eve turned to her with a harsh glare, which made the scythe-wielder shrink back. "...ActuallyIDon'tSeeTheProblemWeissShutUp!"

Yang slammed her hands on the table. "Did you just intimidate my baby sister?!"

"I merely glanced in her general direction," Eve retorted. "Not my fault she interpreted that in some other way."

"That's it! I can handle you making three other people sleep in our room, treating Jaune like a piece of meat, pissing off Weiss, and nearly making Blake have an aneurysm, but when you target Ruby, it's go time! You and me, in the ring!"

Eve scoffed. "Oh, please. Like I would waste time with you."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"It means you're a hotheaded weakling who thinks before she acts. Put us in the ring together and who knows what I would do? For all we know, I might accidentally cut off your arm or something."

Oddly specific. At that, Jaune decided to step in. "Uh, girls? Why don't we just simmer down a bit?"

He meant that literally – Yang's semblance had activated, causing her hair to start blazing. Nora was even roasting a marshmallow over it. Any longer and the smoke alarms were going to activate, like that time he had beaten her at a fighting game and taunted in real life.

Sure, it was petty, but he never won anything. He was going to take what he could get, which in that case was demanding that she show him her moves.

...Now that he thought about it, never winning at anything was probably also why he insisted on staying with Eve even though she was both baby crazy and regular crazy. In his defense, the universe had seen fit to drop a smoking hot redhead into his lap – and he now meant that quite literally – and he wasn't about to argue with it for fear of making her go back to her old ways. Somehow, he had managed to make the White Fang go from Remnant's most dangerous terrorist group to, basically, the short bus of Remnant's terrorist groups, and even though Weiss quite frankly deserved a spanking or something for how she had been acting like such a bitch, he would very much like it if nobody was trying to kill her.

...And at that moment, Jaune realized that he could never, ever break up with Eve, because doing so might cause her to revert back to her violent ways.

Well, at least the sex was both mind-blowing and penis-destroying… uh, in a good way. As in, the 'She beat the fuck out of my dick so Gods-damned hard that I can't even feel my left leg, my left leg has went totally numb', kind of way, not the cock-and-ball torture kind of way.

Across from him, Blake glared. "We're far past the point of simmering down, Jaune."

"Look, just because we broke up-"

"Fuck you."

Eve suddenly grinned. It was a victorious grin, of somebody who had just come in first in something. She had won the Jaunebowl, even though she was actually the only one who was ever competing. Still, that wasn't going to stop her from rubbing it in. She leaned in, giving Jaune a kiss on the cheek.

Honestly, did she even believe her own bullshit (get it?), or was she just doing this because it happened to piss Blake off? He might have to have a talk with her about it – for one, teasing Blake was getting old, as jokes that went on for too long tended to do. For another, Pyrrha looked like she was about to cry for some reason, which he could only assume was because she hated seeing her friends fighting.

Poor Pyrrha, always caught in the middle of everything.

...Huh, that was strange. Suddenly, he felt like he had encountered another joke that had started to get old, but for the life of him he couldn't tell what it was.

Down the table, Ren suddenly rolled his eyes, then pulled out his scroll. To Jaune's surprise, Ren snapped a picture of him and Eve, then began typing something on his scroll before sending a message to someone.

"Uh, what are you doing?" Jaune asked.

"Ending this farce," Ren announced. "I'm sorry, but this has gone on too long."

There was a long pause. After a moment, Nora cleared her throat and turned to him.

"You, uh, gonna tell us what you just did?"

"Oh, you'll see eventually. For now, I'll just continue to be ominous about it."

Eve shrugged. "You humans are so weird. But still, at least you make good lovers thanks to your big human cocks."

Ruby choked on her milk. Weiss shot her a sympathetic look before turning to Eve. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

"I said you make good lovers thanks to your big human cocks… well, the men, of course."

"I see," Yang said. "...And your basis for this is…?"

"The videos on that new site, Faunus'd dot com. Jaune and I like to watch them to get in the mood. Our favorite is one called 'Poor Little Human Guy', featuring one very lucky man and about a half-dozen of the White Fang's best waifus – the production values are excellent, and at the same time the plot is very relatable."

"Uh, Eve?" Jaune said, his face flushing red. "Porn isn't indicative of real life."

"You mean there aren't any sexy singles in my area? But then how am I supposed to hook Elise up with somebody?"

"I'm sure she'll find a good partner one day."

Not likely, unfortunately – bisexual, muscular, chainsword-obsessed Faunus women were already a pretty narrow subset on the fetish hierarchy, and even though Elise had been hunting for a mate for a few days now, most of them didn't seem to enjoy being chased the same way Elise enjoyed chasing them.

Which was sad, because she was actually pretty sweet when she wasn't talking about how much she wanted to hatefuck Winter Schnee. Hopefully, her dry spell would end and she would make somebody very happy, but unfortunately Jaune wasn't holding his breath.

"Wait, Faunus'd dot com?" Blake asked, with slowly growing horror. "Should I even ask what that is?"

"It's a site dedicated entirely to Faunus/human couples," Eve announced proudly. "It just launched, and I'm happy to say that it's already become Remnant's most popular porn site."

It ought to be, considering that the White Fang had diverted literally all of their funding into making the site that popular.

Also, just to reiterate: This was all happening because Jaune pointed out that the Faunus could outbreed humanity. He had intended to stall for time, and nothing more. How was he supposed to know they would take his idea and run with it? This was almost too stupid to be real.

"That sounds very specific," Nora pointed out.

"Yeah, specifically amazing," Eve countered. "Do you have any idea how many Faunus are now interested in humans because they've seen what the big human dick can do?"

Funny how just a few weeks ago she had wanted to kill him. Now here she was, advocating for mixed-race relationships.

Not for a good reason, mind you, but Jaune wasn't going to complain so long as it saved lives… or, in this case, created them.

Man, the baby boom in nine months was going to be interesting… but not as interesting as the inevitable section in the history books about this whole thing. Jaune wondered if he was going to get a mention as the man who single-handedly saved race relations with the power of his dick, because again, he fucking better. He had basically moved civil rights forward by like thirty years with one sentence, so some appreciation would be nice.

"What…?" Blake asked, stunned. "You… do you have any idea what something like that is going to do to our reputation?!"

"Faunus already have a good reputation, if the site's success is any indication," Eve pointed out.

"Yeah, as cock sleeves! Damn it, Faunus are a proud and noble race! We are not lewd!"

"Blake, you're dressed like a prostitute," Jaune pointed out.

"Wha- so is Pyrrha! And Ruby! Why am I the only one getting called out?!"

Because it was fun to mess with her.

Huh, what do you know? Apparently, the joke hadn't gotten old just yet. It was like that time they had all found Blake's smut and went around comparing things to katanas for a month.

"You represent our race to a certain degree," Eve said. "You are the princess of Menagerie, after all."

Everyone turned towards Blake, confused.

"You're a princess?" Weiss asked.

"Not exactly," Blake replied. "My mom and dad rule Menagerie, so-"

"What the fuck?! And you called _me _an upper-class, prissy brat! You're just a hypocrite!"

"Oh, come on! The two of us are nothing alike!"

Jaune tapped Eve on the shoulder. "I think we should go before this gets ugly."

She smirked from behind her mask, which she continued to insist she wear for some reason. "Lead the way, my work here is done."

The two snuck off just as Weiss and Blake resorted to fisticuffs while everyone else cheered them on.

Apparently, he wasn't the only one who thought they were both competing for the spot of worst girl.

* * *

Getting away from the others had been a good move, but unfortunately Jaune hadn't accounted for the other team he would have to deal with.

"Hey, Jauney Boy," Cardin sneered, leaning in. "Who's the cow?"

Jaune sighed, annoyed. "She's my girlfriend."

"Girlfriend? Didn't know you were into bestiality, Jauney."

Jaune turned to Eve, praying that she wasn't about to cut Cardin in half. To his surprise, she seemed to be taking it rather well, simply standing there next to him. Her hand wasn't even on her sword.

"Yes, she's my girlfriend," Jaune repeated. "And I'd appreciate it if you didn't insult her, as would she."

Eve rolled her one good eye. "Jaune, now is no time to be a gentleman. Let me handle this."

"Please, no."

His plea went ignored. Eve stepped in front of him, sizing up Cardin. It wasn't much of a staredown on her part, as even with her height, Cardin still towered over her. He sneered at her.

"The fuck you want, animal?"

"Oh, nothing," Eve said. She looked him over from head to toe before returning her gaze to his face. "My, you are an absolute unit, aren't you?"

Cardin guffawed. "Hear that, Jauney Boy? Your girl's into me. You're about to get cucked."

"Hold on a second," Eve announced.

She pulled out her scroll, then stepped back and snapped a full body picture of Cardin. He stared at her, surprised; she ignored it, instead sending the photo to someone. She then held up three fingers, slowly lowering each one as the seconds ticked by. After the third was lowered, her scroll rang.

"Yes, Elise?" She announced. Elise said something, and she nodded. "Yes, I can see that. He's at Beacon Academy – all you have to do is send in an application and Ozpin will let you in."

Wait, that was it? That was… actually kind of smart of Ozpin, considering that he had absolutely no dog in the Faunus/human fight and seemed to only care about fighting Grimm. Of course he would be in favor of anything that resulted in more babies being born and more Huntsmen being trained.

It was still weird of him, though. Jaune was suddenly very convinced that if he were to check his headmaster's scroll that Faunus'd dot com would be bookmarked.

_Now there's a nasty thought._

Eve nodded, still on her scroll. "Yes. You know what to do – put the poon to him, medium style."

With that, she ended the call. Cardin stared at her, perplexed.

"What the fuck did you just do?" the bully asked.

Eve simply grinned widely at him. "Oh, nothing. I just want to say that I hope you have many healthy children and make your new girlfriend a very happy woman, and that she makes you a very happy man."

"The fuck is that supposed to mean?"

Eve ignored him, instead taking Jaune by the arm and leading him away.

"Bye, Cardin!" Jaune called. "Enjoy your broken hips!"

* * *

The next couple of days passed by rather uneventfully. Tension was still high among his group of friends, obviously, both because of Eve's mere presence there and also because he kept kicking his team out of the dorm in order to get some.

Hey, he finally had an opportunity for some pootie, and he was going to take it no matter what. Fucking sue him.

Aside from that, he was also noticing a few more Faunus students entering Beacon, which was nice because they were all former White Fang members, which made them some of the weakest students in the school because apparently the White Fang's training was a fucking joke. Seriously, a team of four of them got absolutely bodied by Ruby in Combat Class, and all she did was shoot them a few times. It was bad because there was no way any of them were going to be able to stand up to Grimm… but on the other hand he was no longer the weakest one in the school, so he counted it as a net positive. Chalk another one up for Jaune Arc, he supposed.

Man, it felt good to be a winner. He was basically spending every day on Cloud Nine at this point, it was fucking great.

Jaune finished putting on his school uniform, then stepped out into the hallway, taking a deep breath of the morning air. It smelled like how he imagined every upper-level school's student dorm would smell – like smuggled-in booze, bad decisions, and marijuana. But that was okay, because none of it was about to put a damper on his mood. Yup, today was another good day.

The intercom suddenly buzzed to life.

"_Would Jaune Arc please report to the headmaster's office? Repeat: Jaune Arc, please report to the headmaster's office."_

There was a pause. _"And bring your girlfriend."_

The intercom went dead, and he frowned. Well, okay, clearly he was in trouble for something, but he had no idea what – Eve had been pretty well-behaved over the past few days, aside from threatening to cut Port in half if he told another story and threatening to gut Oobleck like a fish if he told any more 'lies' about Faunus war crimes during the Great War.

Oh, and also her little skirmish with Blake and Yang. Honestly, Jaune didn't know what was up with those two – one moment they're talking about how they want nothing to do with Eve, and the next they're trying to ambush her, stab her, and throw her off a cliff. It was quite rude, not to mention overkill.

Seriously, a cliff? Who did that? It would have been funny if Eve was a lion Faunus or something, but now it was just concerning. They were acting like Eve had actually cut Yang's arm off and stabbed Blake in the stomach, and that was just uncalled for considering she had merely threatened to do those things.

Eve stepped out of the dorm room, still 'adjusting' her outfit, which really meant she was trying to see how much she could undress herself to titillate him without calling down Glynda's wrath. Basically, she had foregone the ribbon completely, unbuttoned the top couple of buttons on her blouse to reveal some of her breasts, and had turned the stockings into makeshift knee-highs. Oh, and she was still wearing her mask, naturally, though at this point Jaune didn't blame her for it since now he actually knew what she looked like underneath it, and as much as he loved her, even he had to admit that the scar was not pretty.

Seriously, fiction could make burn scars look as badass as possible, but there was nothing badass about a real-life burn scar. That shit was just nasty. The left side of her face almost looked like it had met with the wrong side of someone's Grimm-melting eye lasers or something.

He had no idea why that was the comparison he had drawn, but whatever.

In any case, he was glad for the mask, since staring into his girlfriend's eyes and seeing 'SDC' staring back was a huge boner-killer, both because it was pretty gross and because the last thing he wanted to remember while railing his girlfriend was being rejected by Weiss.

"So, what's this about?" Eve asked, interrupting his thoughts.

Jaune shook his head. "No idea."

"Were we too loud again last night?"

Probably, but at this point the rest of the dorm had wisely decided to stop complaining, since the last group of students who had done so had gotten a visit from Eve the next day. On a certain level, he understood – having your sexy times interrupted was definitely a mood-killer. But on the other hand, she could get rather loud.

"_Yes! Yes, Jaune! Fuck me with your big human cock! Spread the seeds of Faunus liberation deep in my womb!"  
_

He wasn't sure why he expected her dirty talk to be about anything else given how fucking crazy she was, but to say he had been disappointed anyway would have been an understatement. Jaune had been tempted to float the idea of giving her a gag, but there was no way she would go for it – she wasn't even willing to let him be on top, instead insisting that she be in control at all time. He had no idea why, given her obsession with being human'd; honestly, she was probably just a control freak.

There were, of course, other ways he could have tried to get her to be quiet, such as using a position that allowed them to kiss during the act… but the only non-contortionist one he could think of off the top of his head that would both let them do that and keep her on top was cowgirl, and there was no way he was bringing that up to his bull Faunus girlfriend – that was a doghouse conversation right there.

At the very least, the noise pissed off Team RWBY. Jaune had decided to have mercy on Ruby and give her some earplugs since she hadn't done anything wrong, but the rest of them were going to suffer – Yang and Blake for continuing to try and off Eve and also because it was funny, and Weiss because her family had basically given Eve the world's ugliest tramp stamp on her eye.

Eve tapped him on the shoulder. "Well, let's go."

Jaune sighed, but nodded. Might as well get it over with.

How bad could it be, right?

* * *

As it turned out, very bad. Everyone was there – the rest of his team, Team RWBY, Ozpin, Glynda.

Oh, and worst of all, his mom.

"Jauneathon Miles Arc!" his mother roared, stomping over to him and poking a finger into his chest. "You have a lot of explaining to do, mister!"

"M-Mom?!" Jaune cried out. "What are you doing here?!"

"That would be my doing," Ren said, holding up a hand.

"Ren? But why? I loved you – you were my brother. How could you betray me like this?"

"This is an intervention, Jaune," Pyrrha said. "You're dating the world's most wanted terrorist, and we can't take it anymore. It has to stop."

Next to him, Eve scowled. "Trying to stop my quest for Faunus liberation, are you? Well, I won't come quietly."

"Oh, trust us, we know," Blake said.

"Blake," Jaune began, "Just because we broke up-"

"Damn it, stop with that! It isn't funny!"

"...It's kind of funny," Yang whispered, earning an elbow from the cat Faunus.

Ozpin clapped his hands together. "Settle down, everyone," he announced, quieting them all down. "Now, I'm sure we can discuss this in a dignified and civil manner." He turned to Mama Arc. "Juniper, why don't you start?"

The blonde woman sighed, running a hand through her shoulder-length hair before turning back to Jaune. She glared at him with those inhuman blue eyes, eyes which threatened an eternity of punishment if he dared speak out of line. Jaune couldn't help but swallow nervously; out of the corner of his eye, he saw everyone else be taken aback by the sheer killing intent radiating off of his mother. They were correct to be afraid – the Grimm had nothing on a woman who had birthed eight children and had dedicated her life to wrangling them.

All he had to say about that was, thank whatever gods that existed for alcohol. Otherwise, his mom might have decided that taking over the world was easier than raising all of them, and then they'd have all been screwed.

"Now then," Juniper Arc said, her words measured, yet full of as much scorn as possible. She focused in on Eve, glaring. Jaune silently begged his girlfriend not to show any weakness – Mama Arc was a wolf, a predator, one who would pounce at even the slightest sign of hesitation or doubt. And if that happened, it was all over.

"I understand that you're sleeping with my only son."

Eve nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

"I also understand that you met because you kidnapped him and were going to kill him."

"Don't answer that!" Jaune said quickly. "It's a loaded question!"

"Jaune," Juniper cut in. This time, her tone was sweet, but it was dripping with the silent promise of an eternity of suffering. "Be a dear and let Mom ask your girlfriend a few questions, would you?"

Jaune swallowed nervously. He looked over at Eve, but even that couldn't steel his resolve. Mama Arc was pissed, and he wanted nothing to do with any of it. Wordlessly, he stepped back, then motioned for her to continue.

"As I was saying," Juniper said, "You met because you kidnapped him and were going to kill him."

"Yes, we did," Eve answered.

Jaune felt lightheaded. Was this what it felt like to have a stroke? No – this was more of a soul-devouring pain than anything else. It wasn't nearly physical enough to be a stroke, but it also wasn't existential enough to be purely metaphorical.

There was some pain there, deep in his very being. Silently, he prayed for salvation, even if he knew it would never come. The Gods had abandoned him, and if a miracle didn't happen, he would have no choice but to call upon dark forces and dance the dance of the heathen gods to save himself and his girlfriend.

"I see," Juniper said. She paused, allowing herself to breathe deeply before opening her eyes and glaring at Eve once more. "Explain now why I shouldn't strike you down for daring to defile my only son?"

This was it – his hand had been forced. There was no going back now. He was going to have to do the unthinkable.

"_Iä Hastur cf'ayak'vulgtmm, vugtlagln vulgtmm!_ _Hastur, Hastur, Hastur!"_

Everyone stared at him, confused. Jaune counted to three, then looked around. Unfortunately, no Elder Gods had appeared, so he was fucked, and not in the good way.

Resigning himself to his fate, Jaune took a deep breath, then nodded to his mom.

"Go on."

His mom blinked, then turned back to Eve. "...Right, so, explain why I shouldn't kill you where you stand for this."

"Because I love your son, and he loves me," Eve answered without hesitation.

Juniper rolled her eyes. "Oh, like I haven't heard that one before. That might have worked on my husband, but I'm smarter than that."

"You don't understand," Eve implored. "We are connected on a much deeper level than merely physical. We understand each other, and desire the same outcome for the world."

Okay, now she was just spewing bullshit (get it?). They had known each other for a few weeks, most of which was spent banging. Jaune had resigned himself to shacking up with her because the alternative was being made into Arc sushi, and also because breaking up with her meant no more mind-blowing sex, and he wasn't sure he could ever go back to his hand after having spent so much time with Eve.

Oh, and she had also proven herself to be pretty good to him, if crazy to everyone else and especially Blake. Sure, they were an odd couple, but she was unflinchingly loyal to him, would never dream of cheating, and had treated him right past their first initial meeting. All things considered, he could do worse.

"Oh?" Mama Arc asked. "And what would these desires be?"

"The desire for a world united under a banner of racial equality."

That was funny coming from her, since she was the one who had completely overhauled a terrorist group once he had unintentionally introduced a much better plan for eugenics than the one they had been using. 'Equality' looked an awful lot like 'A world full of nothing but Faunus'.

They were probably going to have to talk about that at some point, and it was probably going to start and end with him pointing out that no more humans meant no more big human cock. That seemed to be the only thing she cared about besides him and messing with Blake, so if that didn't work, nothing would.

"I think you're reaching," Juniper Arc accused.

"Reaching?" Eve asked. "Ma'am, I love your son more than anything else in the world. When he looks at me, he doesn't just see a terrorist, he sees a beautiful young woman who can help make him whole… and also a terrorist, but that's not important. He pulled me back from the abyss of violence I had surrounded myself in. He makes me a better person. In return, I build him up in ways that nobody else can. I support him, and help make him whole the same way he does me."

Wow, that… that was actually rather nice to hear from her. So she actually did like him, and didn't just see him as a dick on legs. Good to know.

"And together, our progeny will usher in a new age for Faunus and humanity alike."

Well, so much for that.

Mama Arc paused. "...I'm sorry, did you say progeny?"

"Progeny," Eve repeated. "Offspring. Children. Kids. Mini-me's. Anklebiters. Shit-assed little crying machines. Whatever you call them, ours will be strong, and they will be many."

"...I see. And, pray tell, how many were you planning to have?"

"As many as my biology will allow. Such is my duty."

Mama Arc seemed taken aback for a second.

Then, slowly, she began to smile.

"You're a woman after my own heart," she said, reaching out and taking Eve's hand.

"WHAT?!" Pyrrha shouted.

Jaune felt his jaw drop. Apparently, Eve had discovered the secret – the only way to get through to a baby-crazy mother was to prove yourself to be equally as baby-crazy.

Oh, and to also prove that you actually cared about your man, but somehow he knew that had just taken a back seat.

Juniper waved the Mistralian off. "Oh, hush dear, we're discussing important things." She turned back to Eve. "Now, let me be clear – if you ever mistreat my son, I will bury you. Do you understand?"

"If I ever mistreat your son, I will bury myself," Eve retorted.

Mama Arc's smile widened. "That's what I like to hear." She looped an arm around Eve's shoulders, then guided her over to the elevator. "Now then, let's discuss logistics. So, I'm gonna need to see at least six grandkids..."

The door closed behind them, cutting off the rest of their conversation. Slowly, Jaune turned back to his team, unsure of what to say.

Today had barely started, and it was already fucking crazy. His friends had tried to separate him and his girlfriend, his mom had shown up and nearly succeeded in doing so, he had tried to summon an Elder God, Eve had proven that she was as crazy about him as she was about having kids, and apparently his mom no longer had a problem with that.

And it wasn't even first period yet, so that was great. He was sure that sitting through one of Port's lectures was just going to absolutely make his fucking day at this point.

Sighing, Jaune looked over to his friends, then shrugged. "Well, at least it can't get any weirder than that."

The elevator doors suddenly opened up, but it was neither Eve nor Mama Arc. Instead, it was Cardin Winchester, who was clad in half a Beacon Academy uniform, dripping with sweat, and looking like he hadn't slept in days.

"Outta my way! Outta my way!" he cried, pushing past Jaune. "Can't you see she wants my butt?!"

Before anyone could ask what was going on, the elevator chimed once again. To Jaune's surprise, Elise came rushing out, dressed in nothing but a set of lingerie. Cardin screamed like a little girl, then left the only way he could.

Through the window.

By jumping.

Elise growled when she saw him go crashing through it. "You can't run forever, Winchester! You're about to get Faunus'd!"

And then she jumped after him, uncaring of the long fall. Thankfully they both had aura, otherwise Glynda would be stuck cleaning up a matching set of red smears. Everyone watched the two of them as they landed, then turned over to Ozpin. The headmaster looked at them, then slowly took a sip of coffee before placing the mug back down on his desk.

"...I'm not going near that one with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole," he announced.

Not a single person protested. Jaune sighed, bringing one hand up to smack himself in the face.

This was his life now, apparently.

* * *

**I had a _fantastic _time writing this chapter. Probably my favorite one to work on since the Raven chapter (not that I didn't like writing the others, but the really good chapters just have a way of flowing out onto the page that the others don't). Turning Eve from regular crazy to cock-crazy to baby-crazy was a lot of fun. Hopefully this chapter was worth tearing you all away from Doom Eternal, Animal Crossing, and the RE3 demo.**

**Anyway, I hope those of you currently quarantined are taking care of yourselves and staying healthy, and also hoping that this chapter was able to keep you busy for a bit. Personally, I've managed to dodge quarantine for now, but I'm a bit spooked, and not because of the virus – something tells me people are going to start doing dumb shit (as in, rioting/looting) at some point.**

**On an unrelated note, I sure hope none of you are out there trying to buy guns and ammo right now, because trust me, you're too late. When my local store doesn't even have Makarov ammo in stock, you know shit's getting intense. Didn't think people would be that desperate to defend their toilet paper, rice, and canned beans from Kung Flu zombies, but here we are, I suppose.**

**That aside, stay safe out there, everyone. Here's hoping it gets better rather than worse, and nobody does anything stupid.**

**Next update: Saturday, April 4th.**


	10. important announcement please read

Hey hey people, Minaris here. Just writing this to tell you that I am abandoning this fic, as it is a trashfire in progress. There's no plot, the characters are all out-of-character, it's not funny, and it's not fun to write anymore.

Instead, I am moving on to greener pastures. I have decided that I am unhappy with the amount of reviews I am getting, and to that end, have determined that the best way to become a super-popular writer that everyone loves is to absolutely sell the fuck out.

Anyway, here is a snippet of my new fic that is replacing this one. Please let me know what you think.

* * *

It was just another day in the multiversal archive. The Great Library – that is, the thing responsible for keeping the various universes organized and in line – was the same as it always was.

That is to say, it was fucking boring.

Up on his throne, a cloaked figure sighed. He crossed one leg over the other, then rested his chin in one hand as he stared at the electronic tablet in front of him.

"Me-damn, this sucks," he mused. "I'm writing all this shit, yet I'm _still _just your average ordinary jack-off that nobody cares about. What's a guy got to do to get some recognition around here?"

The words had scarcely left his mouth before he realized exactly what needed to happen. His eyes immediately widened in shock, their blood-red irises seeming to almost glow with excitement.

"That's it!" he said.

Standing up, he brushed the dust off his black cloak and snapped his fingers, cutting off the music that was playing in the background ('Crawling' by Linkin Park). He then snapped his fingers once more, sending a book flying off one of the nearby shelves and into his hands. Opening it, he couldn't help but smirk.

"Yes, this will do nicely."

Clearing his throat, he read the sacred phrase, one that had been uttered throughout the ages and was guaranteed to do what he wanted it to.

"Klaatu Verata Necto."

And just as planned, they worked. There was a flash of light, and suddenly, there was a huge pile of people on the floor in front of him.

"Oh, my aching _everything…" _One of them, a busty blonde, said as she picked herself up off the ground.

What was that? It's weird to point out that she's busty when she's only seventeen? Well shut up, it's my self-insert and I'll do what I want. Act like that and I won't do your request, bud.

Anyway, it only took her a minute before she realized something was very wrong, namely that there was a cool-looking guy standing directly across from her.

The auth- I mean, the man raised a hand in greeting. "Greetings," he greeted.

The girl stared at him, her violet eyes widening in confusion. Yang (you totally know it's her, I just fucking described her, and I'm lazy so I'm just gonna call her Yang now, kthx) looked the man up and down, licking her lips.

"Damn, you're hot."

Oh, whoops – looks like I just got a bit of my self-indulgent smutfic in there. Fuck it, I'll just 'accidentally' forget to delete it, that way people will know I'm hot, because if I'm making a fictional character say it then it must be true. Do you feel inferior yet? You should. My dick is huge. Do you even lift? I can deadlift two of me, pal. Not even exaggerating, I'm just that good.

[Note to self: delete that last bit in post, or you'll look like a douche.]

"Oh shit, who the fuck are you?!" she shouted.

Yeah, I just had her swear, even though they don't in the show. Fuck you, it's my fic and I'll do what I want. I only write mature fanfiction for mature people like myself. Go back to playing your Sonic The Hedgehog if a little cussing bothers you, pussy.

Everyone immediately jumped to their feet, and for the first time they noticed that there were some weird people there.

"Dad?" Yang asked.

"Mother?" Weiss asked.

"MOM?!" Ruby asked.

"Rosebud!" the resurrected Summer Rose shouted, rushing forward and pulling her daughter into a hug.

See that? I just brought Summer back from the dead. I can do that because I'm God in this fic – yeah, with the capital G. I'm the literal Christian God, that's how good I am. Do you feel inferior yet?

Did I mention my dick is huge? Because it is.

Also, wow, look at that totally original thing I just did. I just brought Summer back from the dead, can you name a single other react fic that did that? Nah, you can't. I'm fucking good, kiddo.

Anyway, the introductions were still going.

"James?" Glynda asked.

"Ozpin?" Ironwood asked.

"Salem?" Ozpin asked.

"Nora!" Nora shouted.

Did you like that totally original reference to the show I just did there? Nobody's ever done that before.

I clapped my hands, silencing everybody. They all turned to look at me, the men instantly recoiling from just how Chad I am. I gave them a moment to recover before clearing my throat.

"Well, now that we're all here together, I think it's important that I lay out some ground rules," I said. "Now, first thing's first, you'll all notice that your aura and semblance doesn't work."

"Hey, what gives?!" Weiss shouted. "Why'd you do that?"

"Well, I can't have anyone stealing my thunder. Also, I don't want you fighting here."

"Then why bring us here?" Ironwood asked.

"Well, it's simple," I said, throwing out my arms theatrically. Get it? Because we're in a theater? Drop a review for that totally original gag. "You'll notice that one of you is missing."

They all looked around, and it only took a minute for one of them to notice who it was.

"Jaune!" Pyrrha shouted.

See how it was Pyrrha who noticed? That's because Arkos is totally canon. It's important that I bring up Pyrrha's crush on Jaune at every opportunity, because she is not allowed to have a character outside of liking Jaune.

Oh, who am I kidding? You all know this is going to end with literally every woman wanting to ride Jaune's nuts, the married ones included. I have to make this a big harem or it won't get a lot of reviews, so that's what I'm going to do. That means that everybody's character is going to gradually dissolve until it revolves completely around being one of Jaune's many cock concubines. If enough of you request it then I might even make the men into R63 versions of themselves just to make this a truly complete harem – nobody's done that before.

Like literally, nobody's done that before. Probably because it's a bad idea, but since my review count is directly tied to my self-esteem, I'll do it if you're all interested in it. Let me know (in the review section, of course).

"What'd you do with Jaune, you incredibly attractive monster?!" Glynda-chan asked.

Cinder-chan swooned. "Oh my, something's hot in here, and it's not just me with my Maiden powers."

"You don't have your Maiden powers anymore, Cinder-chan," Emerald pointed out.

"Oh, I'm such a baka!"

Alright, that's annoying. No more of that… unless you all like it. You know what to do if that's the case.

Seriously, please review. Seeing that number go up is the only thing that gets me hard anymore. It's either this or mainlining enough Viagra to give my granddad a heart attack, and he's been dead for like a decade.

Anyway, this whole thing has dragged on long enough, so I'll cut to the chase.

"You're all here to watch different universes of Jaune Arc," I announced, my voice sounding eerily like Morgan Freeman's even though I'm white.

"Who cares about that guy?" Mercury asked.

"I do, because he's my self-insert character. Say one more bad word about Jaune and I will banish you to the puppet dimension."

Mercury swallowed nervously. Clearly, the puppet dimension was something to be feared.

"Anyway, let me explain the rules," I explained. "First: don't talk about the multiverse theatre. Second: DON'T talk about the multiverse theatre. Third: Only I get to reference Fight Club."

"What's Fight Club?" Yang asked.

"I'd tell you, but the first rule of Fight Club is not to talk about Fight Club. Unless someone requests it."

"Um, okay?"

"Now you're getting it. Anyway, besides that, strap yourselves on and let's enjoy."

Blake raised an eyebrow. "Don't you mean 'strap yourselves in'?"

"Not with what we'll be watching. We're going to be experiencing some of my favorite smutfics. Also, don't act like you're not a degenerate pervert."

"What are you talking about? I like romance novels, so I'm a degenerate pervert?"

"Obviously, because why else would the FNDM refuse to stop making that joke?"

"What's the FNDM?"

[Insert explanation about how they're a webshow here.]

"Anyway," I said, now that my awesome explanation was done, "we can move on. Who's ready to watch Jaune?"

Pyrrha instantly took a seat. "I am!"

Man, she's easy to write. Thank Me that Arkos is canon, otherwise this writing thing would actually be hard.

Why the fuck did I not just write one of these multiverse react fics from the start? I bet I'll be drowning in reviews now. All my other fics can choke on my fat chode. At least now when when I write trash, it'll be trash that actually gets a fucking following.

–

Anyway, that's it for the first introductory chapter. Be sure to leave a review saying which universe you want me to have them watch first. Of course, I'm just going to pick and choose whichever review appeals to me the most emotionally so it's probably going to just end up being a Jaune harem gamer fic. Or a fic where Jaune takes the place of a character from another series, like John Wick, or Halo, or Red Vs Blue, or something. And if you ask really nicely in about twenty different reviews, I might do RWBY Chibi.

Seriously, please review. I've got a fever and the only cure is more reviews (DAE love Saturday Night Live? That skit is definitely one of their more underappreciated gems. It's like the Skyrim of SNL skits).

Also, I think I'm going to publish another new fic next week. Keep an eye out for it - it's a Jaune-centric harem fic where his semblance has been replaced with the Gamer ability. Yes, I know a lot of people are doing it. No, I haven't read the source material, but I've read a lot of other gamer fics so I'm sure it'll be fine.

Catch all you fine folks on the flip side, and remember - the reviewers are always right, except when they're telling me I suck, because then they're blocked.

* * *

**I'd put an author's note here but you all know what it's going to say, because I was about as subtle with it as a brick to the head. **

**Speaking of bricks to the head, I'm gonna go bash myself in the head with a brick now.**

**Anyway, expect the real chapter this Saturday. **

**Besides that, I've got nothing else.**


	11. Scared AND Horny

Problems With Dating The RWBY Girls

Salem, or: Scared AND Horny

* * *

Jaune struggled against his bonds, but it was no use. He was stuck, with no hope of escape. Next to him, Tyrian chuckled, then leaned in to whisper into his ear.

"You should be honored – it's not just anybody that gets to meet our queen face-to-face."

Through his fear, Jaune managed to turn towards his captor, a snarl on his face.

"Fuck the queen," he spat.

That earned him a fist to his gut, which caused him to double over as he gasped for breath. Tyrian picked him up, then continued to drag him forward. Through the black spots in his vision, Jaune was able to make out an ornate door at the end of the hall. He was tempted to struggle, but what would that accomplish? He was a dead man either way. At this point, the best thing he could do was save his strength for later. That way, at least he would die telling Salem to go fuck herself.

Tyrian dragged him through the doors, roughly throwing him through with a cackle before slamming them shut behind him, leaving Jaune there on the floor. The blonde stayed there, unmoving even as he heard someone come up behind him.

"Get it over with, bitch," he spat. "If you're going to kill me then kill me, but don't waste my time."

"How presumptive of you," came the response.

His eyes widened in surprise. Okay, he probably shouldn't be doing this given the situation… but that was _not _how he had expected the Grimm queen's voice to sound. Hell, it sounded downright _sultry. _

Before he had time to ruminate on that any further, he felt her grab him by his bonds. He expected to be roughly hoisted to his feet, and was stunned when he was gently – _gently! _– pulled up instead. He blinked in surprise, though it only lasted until he came face-to-face with the Grimm queen herself.

And not for the reasons one might think.

He wasn't sure what he had expected. He hadn't actually seen the vision that Jinn had given the others, so aside from Emerald's illusion at Haven, he had no idea what Salem would look like, and even then he had believed that Emerald had been deliberately making Salem look more fearsome than she actually was. But even knowing that, it couldn't have possibly prepared him for the real thing.

Because damn, Salem was actually pretty fine for a Grimm-person.

_Oh, fuck you, monster girl fetish. Now is _not_ the time._

It was too late, though – he was already half-cocked. How could he not be, when his biggest fetish was standing there right in front of him? Sure, he had already experienced this with Faunus to a certain degree, but that was barely scratching the surface of the sheer bliss that was monster girls. Like seriously, there was an entire fucking encyclopedia of them, yet he was supposed to believe that the best he was going to get in real life was either animals ears or a tail, and not even both at once? Like, thinking about it, Penny was the closest he had ever come to an actual monster girl, and only because she was basically an Automaton (fuck you, they're in the MGE so they count as far as he's concerned). And that was just bullshit, with emphasis on the 'was' part given that Salem was standing right here in front of him.

_Oh fuck, Salem is standing right here in front of me! Quick, Jaune – act natural._

So much for his bravado. He had fully intended to go down telling her to go fuck herself, but he hadn't been prepared for her to be the personification of his own biggest desire. Like seriously, he was _this _close to living the dream, even if that dream was about to kill him.

And now she was looking at his half-chub and scowling. Swallowing nervously, Jaune willed for it to go down. Unfortunately, as any guy will profess, the D has a mind of its own.

_Don't get bigger, you fucking traitor! What did I ever do to you?! _He paused. _...This is because of that time I jerked it to traps, isn't it? C'mon, that was one time! Cut me a break, here! I'm about to fucking die, dude!_

To his surprise, Salem simply huffed, then turned and began to walk towards her throne.

"I suppose you'll do," she said absentmindedly. "Admittedly, I haven't had much experience in the past millenia aside from watching the occasional video while using my fingers, but you seem more than adequate."

Jaune blinked in surprise. _Uh, what?  
_

He was tempted to ask that aloud, but he knew better than to do that, lest he risk accidentally convincing her to actually kill him rather than just… uh… sit down on her throne and stare at him?

_Seriously, what the fuck?  
_

Needless to say, this wasn't how he had expected his execution to go. Absentmindedly, he tested his bonds. He wasn't sure why he did that since there wasn't exactly anything he could do about them, and even if he somehow did manage to get loose, there was no way he could stand up to Salem on his own. Even if he still had Crocea Mors (he didn't; Tyrian had taken it from him), attempting to actually try and attack Salem at this point would end up as little more than the world's most elaborate suicide attempt.

The two of them sat in silence for several minutes. Finally, Jaune had enough.

_Alright, fuck it. I'm sick of sitting here with my thumb up my ass._

That was quite literal, by the way – Tyrian had bound him with his hands behind his back and it was getting to be very uncomfortable. Now suitably sick of his self-induced _Kanchō, _Jaune cleared his throat.

"So, uh, what's going on here?"

To his surprise, Salem huffed. "I'm waiting on my henchmen to bring me the tools of the trade. After all, we wouldn't want this to be anything less than perfect, would we?"

Okay, that was a scary thought. Jaune swallowed nervously. What did she mean by 'tools of the trade'? It was clearly a euphemism for her instruments of torture, but she hadn't let slip exactly what they would be. For that matter, what did she mean by 'perfect'? The fact that he didn't know was killing him.

He got his answer just a few moments later, when the door opened and Hazel strode in, carrying a… huh. That was odd – for some reason, Salem apparently kept her instruments of torture in a wicker basket all done up with a pink cover and bow. Weird, but maybe it was some psychological thing? Either way, he didn't care, because this was going to suck.

Hazel handed over the basket, then left. Again, it was just Jaune and Salem. The Grimm queen looked over to him, then beckoned.

"Come here."

Oh, fuck this. Still, it wasn't like he had any choice, so he reluctantly stepped forwards until he was within an arm's length of her. Again, she stared at him, which did nothing but make him feel weird. Slowly, she crossed one leg over the other where she sat, and Jaune swallowed nervously.

_Thank the Gods she's wearing that robe, because I could _not _handle seeing a twat shot right now. _He paused. _...Should I really be thanking the gods? I mean, they kind of seem like a pair of assholes, what with how they cursed Salem and Ozpin and also killed the entire world, thus setting this current crop of humanity up for its continuous slow, deep, and hard dicking by the Grimm. Pretty dick move, if you ask me. ...Fuck it; not like I have any other higher powers to thank, especially since I don't want to go insane by worshiping an Elder God._

"You're probably wondering why I had you brought to me," she observed, snapping him out of his thoughts.

"Uh, not really." She raised an eyebrow at that, and he reluctantly continued. "I mean, you want to torture me, right? Maybe take a video of it and send it to my friends to get them to come after me, only for them to find out too late that I've either already been killed or tortured into insanity by you?"

Her eyebrow raised even higher. "...You have a very active imagination."

"I mean, am I wrong?"

"Yes."

"See, that's what I-" He paused. "...I'm sorry, what?"

"You're wrong," she clarified.

"...Huh. I, uh, have to admit that that wasn't what I was expecting. So, why am I here?"

Her response was to simply lift the cover off the basket and motion for him to take a look inside. Swallowing his fear, Jaune did so… and was flabbergasted at what he found.

There were no instruments of torture. No, instead there was the opposite – where there might have been pincers, there were nipple clamps. Instead of hot oil, there was lubricant. Rather than stock up on dirty water for water torture, she had apparently decided to stock up on _very _expensive wine. And then there were the sex toys, the gags, the blindfolds, the scented candles…

Okay, this had to tie in with her idea of torture. Any minute now, she was going to reveal that she was kidding. The vibrator was going to turn out to be a specialty dick-removal device or something, and the dildo… was probably still going to just be a dildo, only it would be used in a way that he very much didn't approve of. Yeah, that had to be it – she was totally still going to torture him, but it was going to come after she had dangled the possibility of finally living out his monster girl fetish in front of him.

He was utterly unprepared for what came next.

"If it would please you, now would be a good time for us to retire to my chambers," she said.

He couldn't stop himself from fainting.

* * *

When Jaune awoke, it was to the feeling of the wind between his knees.

"...Oh, Gods damn it..."

It was like partying with Yang all over again, only this time he wasn't naked in a tree, he was naked in someone's bedroom.

...Someone's really old-fashioned and gothic bedroom, that is. Like seriously, this place was ridiculously edgy – the entire room was cast in shadow, illuminated only by a few candles held in scattered candelabras and the overhead chandelier, and the dimness was not helped by the fact that almost all the furniture – that is, the overly-large bed, the dressers, the vanity, and the blinds on the windows – were a deep black.

...Was this Blake's house or something? All this décor seemed right up her alley with how edgy and tryhard it was. The fact that he was apparently naked helped with that – figures that he'd somehow get roped into one of her crazy sexual fantasies straight out of a grocery store smut novel.

"Good, you're awake."

He frowned. That didn't sound like Blake. Who was-

He got his answer in the form of a pair of bright red irises focusing on him. Immediately, all his memories came rushing back, and he began to scramble to get away, throwing the covers off of himself and doing his best to retreat. Before he could get anywhere, Salem pointed a finger at him, and he found himself held in place by a set of jet-black chains that wrapped around his arms and legs.

Well, this was the end. He had been captured, dragged to Salem's torture chamber that for some reason looked suspiciously like a bedroom, and then captured again. So much for living his best life and not dying a virgin.

_Well, it was still a good one, I suppose. At least before I die, I can reflect on all my achievements, like… um… getting my Huntsman license? ...No, that was more like a charity case by Ironwood… um, I got kissed by a girl? But then she went and died afterwards… _He furrowed his brow as he desperately tried to think of something. _Got into Beacon? No, I cheated my way in with fake transcripts… you know what? I'm just going to revel in the fact that out of a hundred thousand sperm, I was the fastest. Take that, fuckers! I won before I was even born!_

"Are you ready?" Salem asked.

Kind of a weird thing to ask the person you were going to torture to death, but whatever. Jaune sighed, then nodded. "...I'm ready. Do your worst."  
Her 'worst', as it turned out, was her snapping her fingers. Suddenly, the light in the room intensified, growing ever brighter. For the first time, he could clearly make out everything around him – the color of the floor (blood red), the design of the wall (blood red), the landscape peeking through the drawn blinds (like a scene from a nightmare)…

...And a pair of milk-white breasts mere inches away from his face.

Jaune instantly froze, unsure of how to proceed. He blinked once, twice, three times, but the image refused to change. No matter what he did, the pair of fat titties in front of his face refused to go away.

Was he dreaming? If so… this was fucking _stellar. _Most people who were about to die just had their lives flash before their eyes, but he won the damn lottery with this one. It very nearly made his impending demise worth it.

Salem suddenly huffed irritably. "Are you just going to stare at them, then?"

Jaune shook his head, very reluctantly looking away from her chest and up to her face. "Uh, what?"

She rolled her eyes. "I get that you're a teenager and this is likely your first time, but surely you must know what to do."

"N-no, I just… what?"

"Sex," Salem said bluntly. "You and I are going to have it."

On the list of things Jaune thought he would hear today, that was nowhere to be found. Like really, hearing the queen of the Grimm tell him she wanted to bone was up there with Weiss saying "I'm sorry" or Ruby saying "I hate giving dumb speeches". Frankly, his brain was still too busy trying to play catch-up with his massive throbbing erection to truly make sense of what she was telling him.

"I… see…" he said tentatively.

"You're still confused."

"...Okay, maybe a little."

Salem actually facepalmed. "Okay," she said. "Let me give it to you in a form you can understand."

She pointed to herself. "I am the immortal queen of Grimm. I have been alone for untold millenia. It gets lonely around here, and while I thought I could ignore my own female urges in favor of wiping humanity from the face of Remnant, my fingers just aren't doing it anymore."

That was as hot as it was terrifying, not that he was about to tell her that. He swallowed nervously when she pointed to him.

"You are Jaune Arc, if what my subordinates are telling me is correct. Former Beacon student, recently received his Huntsman license, and nineteen years old – a man, even if still young. I'll admit that you aren't quite my type – I prefer them with a bit more experience – but you're the best option at the moment."

Jaune blinked. "...I am?"

"Do you not agree?"

"Well, I mean, you have a few guys working under you."

Salem pinched the bridge of her nose. "Ugh, men, always such idiots when it comes to competition..." She shook her head. "I'll keep this simple: Mercury is an ignorant and immature child, and I refuse to validate his behavior by sleeping with him. Tyrian is crazy, even if his insanity is directed towards me, and I know better than to sleep with a crazy person."

Jaune wisely refrained from commenting on how she herself was fucking crazy, since that seemed like it would do little more than translate to 'Kill me'.

Salem continued. "Watts is old and not at all attractive to me. And Hazel… well, let's just say that while I may not be able to die, I can still feel pain, and there is such a thing as _too _big."

Well, that made sense. Also, he suddenly felt validated and smug about his own penis not being cartoonishly huge, but that was neither here nor there. And anyway, there were still a few questions left unanswered.

"Why me, though?" Jaune asked. "I mean, you could have gone with Qrow-"

"Worthless drunk who won't stop talking about Ozpin and who may or may not be fixated on the Silver-Eyed girl's mother."

"-Or Oscar-"

"He has my ex floating around in his skull and is underage, and I still have standards."

"-Or Ren-"

"...That's a man?"

"-Or anyone else on Remnant not in my group."

Seriously, why him? It would have been so much easier to just kidnap some random schmuck off the streets. Hell, if she _really _felt like being a jerk, she could always have gone for Ruby and Yang's dad – it would have both seriously hurt the two of them, _and _Taiyang would no longer have to suffer through the hell that was online dating. It was a complete win-win.

"It's simple, really," Salem explained. "You are my enemy. By kidnapping you and forcing you to sleep with me, I am depriving your allies of you. At worst, you can no longer assist them. At best, they will come here to try and rescue you, and I will be able to stop them without having to leave the comfort of my castle."

That made sense, as much as he hated to admit it. If he had a way to achieve his goals without having to step foot in the frozen hell that was Atlas, he would do the same thing.

Seriously, his balls had basically retreated up into his stomach the moment they had stepped foot in that fucking modern-day continuous ice age of a kingdom. It was like going through reverse puberty. He was actually thankful that Salem had granted him a respite from Atlas' regular subzero temperatures, if only so he could actually stop worrying about whether or not his testicles were going to fall off due to frostbite.

Of course, now he had to worry about her having her with way with him and then cutting them off or something, but he was willing to take the bad with the good so long as he had confirmation that he wouldn't be singing in a frostbie-induced falsetto for the rest of his short life.

Anyway, that was most of his questions answered. Now, of course, he had just one more.

"So, what happens now?"

Salem ran a hand through her hair, which had been let out of its weird stupid-looking bun thing and was now cascading down her back. Huh… now that he got a look at her, she was actually pretty hot, and that wasn't just his fetish for monster girls talking, either.

_Focus, Jaune. This is your chance to learn about your enemy. Less focusing on how smoking hot she is and more focusing on how you can get out of this._

"You're not the brightest, are you?" Salem asked.

Well, that was rude of her. Sure, she was the Grimm queen, and sure, she was trying to coerce him into sex, but the least she could do was not treat him like an idiot… even if the way she captured him was pretty stupid of him to fall for.

In his defense, he had been without good porn ever since the CCT fell, so when he saw that porn mag just lying there, he couldn't help but pick it up. Never in a million years did he expect Tyrian to pop out of that cardboard box and hit him with a tranq dart.

Even worse, the scorpion Faunus had then proceeded to go through his pockets, steal his Atlesian ration, and eat it before claiming that it was disgusting and he was going to be sick. Sure, he was right, but Jaune was hungry, and that was just plain rude of him to do.

Shaking those thoughts from his head, Jaune turned back to Salem. "So, you're serious about this?"

"Indeed," she replied.

"We're actually, unironically, going to have sex right now?"

"Yes."

"Like, unprotected sex? My dick in your pussy? Hot human-on-monster-girl-action?"

"...What?"

"Uh, never mind that last part," he said, his face flushing red. "The point is, I just want to make sure that this isn't a ploy for me to let my guard down so you could kill me."

"You're unarmed, you're immobilized by chains, I'm much more powerful than you anyway, and there would be no reason for me to also be naked if I was just going to kill you," Salem pointed out, annoyed. "Now, are you planning to just do it or will I have to kill you and find another?"

Well, given those options, his choice was clear. After all, if he was dead, then he couldn't help save the world. Looks like he was going to have to just take one for the team and fuck the hot Grimm queen with the rockin' body and the shapely legs and the child-bearing hips and the big tits and the perfectly-shaved pubes and the nice ass and oh Gods, why did evil have to be so hot, like seriously she looked like a fucking MILF porn star under that stupid robe. Anyway, for the sake of the world, he would gladly give his body and his virginity to Salem.

It was truly a tragic sacrifice for the ages.

Salem snapped her fingers, causing the magical chains around him to dissipate. As she pushed him down onto the bed and reached between his legs, Jaune had just one thought.

_Man, the others are going to freak when I tell them about this._

* * *

As it turned out, sex with the Grimm queen was as awesome as he thought it would be, especially because she didn't kill him afterwards. Granted, he didn't exactly have anything to compare it to, but the fact that he had been able to get his rocks off and she hadn't eaten his head like a praying mantis made it a win in his book. Yup, it was definitely something worth remembering.

Unfortunately, he had forgotten to account for what came after the sex.

"Look, all I'm asking for is a day."

Salem checked her nails absentmindedly. "No."

"But my friends are worried sick!"

"Good. Maybe then they'll actually come get you."

It had been a week since Jaune had woken up naked in Salem's bed. That was seven days of fucking like animals while slamming expensive wine and ordering Salem's lackeys to bring them food in bed, and as awesome as it was, even that managed to lose its luster fairly quickly.

Although, he had to admit that being able to order Cinder to do whatever he wanted her to do had been fantastic. She had tried to argue, sure, but Salem had shut her up fairly quickly, which ultimately meant that like it or not, the bitch of a Maiden was stuck in that slutty maid outfit for the foreseeable future.

Why yes, he _had _demanded that she take a break from trying to flambe Ruby and instead come back to Salem's castle all the way in the Grimmlands just so he could demean her. Frankly, he was surprised that Salem had signed off on it in the first place, but that had quickly given way to understanding when he realized that Salem liked Cinder about as much as he did, and only kept her around because she was useful. Hell, pretty much the only person who actually liked Cinder was Emerald, which only made his off-hand suggestion that Emerald really take advantage of her stupid assless pants by taking off the shorts underneath them all the more funnier.

In retrospect, he probably should have realized that Salem so readily going along with his retarded suggestions for her lackeys meant nothing but trouble for him.

"Look, can we talk about this?" he pleaded. "Keep me here if you want, but I'm quite attached to my friends, and I'd rather not see them hurt."

"Then they should stop being a thorn in my side already," Salem replied.

"I mean, you _are _trying to wipe out humanity."

"Your point?"

That was the most infuriating part of having to deal with Salem, of course – her refusal to stop trying to kill the entire world. Jaune had tried everything to make her see reason, from pleading for humanity's survival to even trying to point out just how nonsensical her plan was (like really, her plan to get back at Ozpin consisted of killing literally everybody else, thus making her no better than those asshole Gods, and also damning her to an eternity of solitude – you know, the very thing that made her go insane in the first place? Fucking stupid), but she simply refused to see reason, which was a damn shame because he was still pissed about learning that the oldest war in the history of Remnant that had killed untold scores of people over the years was literally nothing more than a lover's quarrel between two assholes who refused to just let the relationship go already.

Like seriously, this was basically if Adam and Blake had magical powers, that was how bad it was.

...Oh dear Gods, that basically made him the Yang in this situation. Well, hopefully he didn't end up killing Oscar the same way Yang had merced Adam – sure he had punched the hell out of Oscar that one time, but he was an okay kid. Ozpin could get fucked, though.

Or not fucked, since Jaune was currently banging his ex. Now, Jaune had never been one for sloppy seconds, but in this case he would look the other way, both because it was necessary in order to save the world and because Ozpin could suck a fart out of his ass for all he cared, fuck that shifty old wizard.

Anyway, what was he doing? Oh, right – trying to argue with the queen of all evil for the right to see his family and friends.

"Okay," Jaune said tiredly. "What will it take to earn a little freedom for once?"

"You assume that you have something I want and can't just take from you," Salem observed.

Okay, that was a good point. Man, why did his first real not-girlfriend-but-girl-he-slept-with have to be so much stronger than him? This was like every guy's worst fear. Gods forbid he ever managed to actually escape, because her going on a rampage over him would probably end with a fucking continent being blown up. Hell, she already managed to shake the damn castle to its foundation whenever she climaxed, he didn't want to see what she could do when she was actually motivated to break shit on purpose.

Well, fuck it. One more avenue left to try.

"...I'll trade a long-distance scroll call to my mom for that thing you want me to do that I keep refusing to do."

Salem immediately stopped examining her nails, instead looking at him in surprise. "Truly?"

Jaune winced. He already regretted making that offer, but if it was truly the one thing that would get him in contact with his family, he would do it.

"Of course… Mommy."

Oh, Gods, that felt so wrong to say. If there was a cup of bleach in front of him, he would have downed it then and there and followed it with an ammonia chaser.

Luckily, there was no time to dwell on it, as he had to scramble to catch the scroll Salem tossed his way.

"You have ten minutes, and no more than that," she reported. "And then we shall retire to my chambers once more."

Jaune merely nodded. This would be their fourth time today, and while normally he would have been worried about jizz being replaced with blood at some point, apparently Salem's magic could extend to the bedroom as well. Good thing, too – without it he wouldn't have been able to keep up.

_Note to self: if I ever become immortal, be sure that my dry spell doesn't last three-thousand years._

Needless to say, her magic was also very capable of repairing broken bones as well. His pelvis thanked her for it every time.

Jaune looked down at the scroll, sighing in relief. Well, at least now he would get a chance to talk to his family and let them know he was okay. He typed in his mom's number and brought the scroll to his ear, ready to talk.

And then he immediately dropped the scroll in shock when a huge explosion rocked the tower.

He stared at the shattered remnants of what used to be a scroll in dismay before looking over at Salem, an eyebrow raised. "...Did you just cum?"

"Of course not!" she hissed.

"Oh. I just figured because the tower just felt like there was an earthquake-"

"We're under attack, you imbecile!"

She never got a chance to clarify further, as the door to her throne room suddenly came flying open, allowing several figures to rush in. Jaune almost felt his heart skip a beat when he saw who they were.

"Guys!" he called.

"Jaune!" Ruby shouted back. "We're here to-"

She instantly froze when she saw him, as did everyone else, all their faces flushing red. Jaune was confused for only a second before he realized what the problem was.

"Uh, hang on – I think my pants are around here somewhere."

"Lookin' hot!" Nora called.

"Nora, now is not the time," Ren admonished gently.

"Enough!" Salem shouted, causing them all to turn towards her. At some point she had snapped her fingers, once again covering herself with her black robe, though her hair was still down. She affixed the group in front of her with a harsh glare. "Now then, I assume you have come for your friend?"

"Obviously," Qrow replied. "Now, you gonna hand him over, or what?"

"Wait, hold on," Weiss said. "Can we talk for a minute about why he's naked?"

"Weiiiiis!" Ruby whined in her trademark screechy, high-pitched tone that was very nearly audible only to dolphins. "We're trying to fight the Grimm queen! Can't it wait?"

"No! I'm very disturbed right now!"

"Oh, that's because we were having sex," Jaune said.

Everyone in the group immediately exchanged glances with one another.

"...Say what?" Yang asked.

Jaune nodded. "Yeah, why do you think I'm not dead or being tortured right now? She brought me here so we could have sex."

"I… see..." Blake said tentatively. Everyone looked at her strangely, causing her to bristle. "Oh, come on! I may be a pervert, but even I have my limits!"

"Wait, so you and Salem really… you know..." Ruby asked.

"What, slept together? Did the dirty? Danced the horizontal boogie? Yeah."

"Wha- how could you?! Jaune, she's the enemy!"

"Hey, it was either that or let her kill me, and I wasn't about to let her kill me when I could save the world."

"Don't act like sleeping with Salem saved the world!"

"But it did though."

"That's stupid!"

"No, it'd be stupid if it didn't work."

"Are you all quite finished?" Salem asked, impatient. "Because if so, then we can fight."

"Yes, we're finished!" Ruby shouted, stepping forwards. Her eyes began to blow. "Now, prepare for my Silver-"

"Your mom."

Instantly, Ruby faltered. "Wha-"

"Your. Mom." Salem repeated. "Now, your response?"

Ruby simply stared at Salem, slack-jawed, as she tried to formulate a response. The light around her eyes slowly began to fade until it was gone completely. Finally, after a few seconds, she came up with a suitable answer in the form of turning and running from the throne room, sobbing uncontrollably the whole time.

"Ruby!" Yang called. Turning back to Salem, she gave her a harsh glare. "You made my baby sister cry!"

"I did," Salem confirmed. "And what do you plan to do about it?"

Yang simply grit her teeth as she seethed in anger, knowing that there was nothing she could do. With Ruby having run out in tears, their plan had fallen apart.

...What was their plan, anyway? Was there ever even a plan beyond 'Something something Silver Eyes, something something Relics'? For that matter, what was _Salem's _plan? 'Something something Relics, something something kill humanity'? How come none of this stuff made any sense?

Pushing that aside, Jaune turned back to the situation at hand, which was growing dire. Sure, there was only one Salem and a whole bunch of not-Salems, but she was immortal, and with his friends having lost their ace in the hole, things were looking bleak. They were probably going to die, and he was going to be stuck as Salem's own personal sex toy for the rest of his natural life. And while he could definitely think of worse fates than that, it was still not that great compared to… uh… getting belittled by Weiss? Waking up with syrup in his hair courtesy of Nora? Having to listen to one of Ruby's dumbass speeches that she refused to stop giving?

...Why did he hang out with these people again? Seriously, once they saved the world, he was just going to find a nice girl, settle down, and never talk to any of them again, because honestly, they all kind of sucked to be around. Still, that didn't mean he wanted them to die, per se, so now would be a good time to think of something. And think of something he did.

Unfortunately.

Wincing, Jaune approached Salem. "Hey, could I ask you a favor?" She turned to him, an eyebrow raised, and he continued. "Could you please not kill them?"

"And why would I do that?" she asked. "They have been nothing but thorns in my side for years. I finally have them all in one place, just waiting to be wiped out! Why refrain from doing so?"

"Because it would make me sad if you killed them… Mommy."

Okay, forget the bleach and ammonia, he needed something stronger… like a fucking bullet, or if the disgusted looks on everyone else besides Salem were any indication, maybe a shotgun shell. He was honestly tempted to ask Yang if he could borrow one of her gauntlets for just a second, that's how much shame he felt.

Still, his ploy worked. Salem grit her teeth, but finally relented, crossing her arms and turning away from them with a huff.

"...Fine. It's not like they're actually capable of harming me, since the Silver-Eyed one is currently bawling somewhere else in the castle."

Nora's jaw hit the floor. "Holy _shit,_" she said. "Jaune, you really _did _bang Salem!"

"Uh, yeah?" he replied. "Why else did you think I was naked?"

"I don't know, but it sure as fuck wasn't that! What was it like?!"

"Nora, is now the time?" Ren asked.

"Don't act like you aren't curious, Ren!"

"...Okay, maybe a little."

"You're all sick," Weiss stated. "I can't believe we're actually discussing Jaune's sex life instead of fighting Salem right now."

That made at least two of them. Unfortunately for Jaune, this insanity had yet to end.

From the back of the group, Oscar's eyes started to glow, indicating that he had given up control to Ozpin.

"I can answer that, Miss Valkyrie," he said. "Sleeping with Salem is akin to sleeping with a confused Ursa – awkward, somewhat terrifying, there are far too many teeth being used, and about halfway through you're torn between trying to escape and simply letting yourself finish so she doesn't try to kill you for leaving her unsatisfied."

The sad thing was that he wasn't wrong, but it was still better than jerking off alone.

Salem's eyes narrowed. "Ozpin."

"Bitch," he replied.

Jaune was stunned. "Ozpin, did you just swear?"

"I find it to be appropriate given who we are discussing."

"The feeling is mutual, you bastard," Salem fired back.

"Oh, snap!" Nora shouted. "Looks like we're in the middle of a lover's quarrel! Quick, somebody call Jelly Stringer!"

"You're not helping!" Jaune hissed.

"No, perhaps Jelly Stringer is exactly the man we need," Ozpin observed. "He certainly could have done our relationship a lot of good all those years ago."

"Oh, fuck you," Salem said, rolling her eyes. "We both know I was the only one committed to making that relationship actually work."

"You killed our children."

"_We _killed our children by mistake, you prick! Don't act like that was all my fault, especially when you betrayed me and tried to kidnap them during the night!"

"They went with me willingly."

"And so do countless little children into the windowless vans of men with candy, what's your point?"

...Did Salem seriously just compare Ozpin to a pedophile? Okay, this just went from the worst thing in the world to the absolute best. Forget trying to defuse the situation, he needed to see how this played out.

And apparently, so did everyone else, as they were simply staring at the two immortals as they bickered like a couple going through a nasty divorce… which was probably quite accurate, come to think of it.

Salem waved her hand dismissively. "Anyway, we're through. I don't need you anymore."

"Likewise," Ozpin replied.

"Though, unlike you, I've at least moved on."

"And it only took you a few thousand years."

"Oh? And where's your new wife, then?"

"Dead, if you must know."

"How lucky – she doesn't have to deal with you anymore. If only the rest of us had similar fortunes."

"You could always try killing yourself. I mean, it wouldn't work, but you should still do it."

Salem rolled her eyes. "Wow, nice comeback. You sound like you're a teenager." She paused, scanning over Oscar's body. "...Oh, wait."

"Oh, how kind of you to bring that up. Qrow, do make sure that Salem stays away from Oscar's body, would you? Obviously, if Mister Arc is any indication, she prefers them young."

Salem glared at him. "Jaune is of age."

"Barely, but even then the age difference is still far too great for that to be anything but creepy."

"Ozpin, you know I am incapable of aging. I am perpetually stuck as a young woman."

"Oh, so fifty is young now?"

"I look like I'm forty, you prick! And I'd say I look good, given how I have been walking the face of Remnant for over six-thousand years!"

"Funny; I could have sworn by the crow's feet on your face that that number was twelve-thousand."

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck _you!" _

The two stared at each other, gnashing their teeth. After several seconds, Salem recovered, her angry look replaced with one of smugness. She sauntered over to Jaune, then looped an arm around his waist and leaned on his shoulder.

"You know what? This doesn't matter. _You _don't matter, Ozpin. I've moved on; I don't need you anymore."

"And I _never _needed you," Ozpin retorted.

Salem smirked. "Keep telling yourself that. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to do something you aren't capable of right now."

"Oh? And what would that be, besides shooting yourself and unfortunately living?"

"This."

And then she leaned in and pressed her lips against Jaune's. Surprised, the blonde could do nothing but stand there as she sucked his face. And when she slipped her tongue into his mouth. And when she started to loudly moan into the kiss.

Yeah, that was it. He was just surprised.

It idly occurred to him that he was making out with the woman who had ultimately masterminded Pyrrha's death, but somehow that wasn't important right now.

_Ah, fuck it. Not like she knew firsthand that her plan would end with Pyrrha's death. If anything, I'll just blame Cinder for that and call it good._

Jaune made a mental note to confiscate all of Cinder's underwear and replace every single pair with frilly pink ones covered in cartoon kittens next time he saw her just as Salem pulled away and turned to Ozpin, a smug grin on her face as she wiped the drool off her face.

"Remind me again, when was the last time you've experienced that?"

Ozpin hesitated. "...I'll admit that it's been a while-"

"A while, you say?"

"-A while, but thankfully my dry spell was nowhere near as bad as yours." He looked over to Jaune, who silently begged to be left out of this. Unfortunately, fate wasn't so kind. "Tell me, Mister Arc – did you have to blow the cobwebs out first before you stuck it in her?"

"Oh, fuck you," Salem said, rolling her eyes. Once more, she leaned against Jaune's shoulder. "Or, in this case, _don't _fuck you. I'll have you know that Jaune is nothing if not a very considerate lover. Far better than you, at any rate."

"I somehow doubt that, considering he was a virgin before you got to him."

"Unlike some people, Jaune is very eager to please, and to learn. He didn't simply mindlessly thrust away."

"Unfortunately for him, you most likely didn't show him the same courtesy. Tell me, Mister Arc, did she-"

"Okay, stop," Jaune said, having had enough. The comedy had long since ceased to be funny and was now simply cringe-inducing. Thankfully, both immortals paused, looking at him in surprise. He took a deep breath. "Look, this is going nowhere. There's obviously not going to be a fight, so why are you all still here?"

"To get you, duh," Nora said.

"Well, Salem has me on a tight leash."

"How tight?"

"If I stay, she _won't _kill humanity. So I'm staying."

"Aww..."

"Seriously, Vomit Boy?" Yang asked.

Jaune raised an eyebrow. "Did you have a better plan?"

"...No, but-"

"Then it's settled."

"Hold on," Ren said, "How do we know you're not just in it for the free sex?"

Damn, was he really found out that easily? Well, it was no problem – he could salvage this by lying. Not like they had any other argument besides that, which thankfully could be dealt with as easily as saying 'no u'.

"Ren, come on. Do I look like the kind of guy who would trade his friends for a little action?"

"You have a boner right now."

"...Well, what's life without a little sacrifice? I'll gladly give my body over to Salem if it means keeping the rest of you safe."

"Yeah, but you don't have to enjoy it the way you clearly are."

"I mean, if this is going to be my life now, I might as well get used to it, you know?"

Ren rolled his eyes. "You can just admit you're in it for the free poon, you know. I mean, everyone has their price… it's just that yours is a very cheap one, easily paid by the first woman willing to put her vagina on your face."

Well, at least they understood each other. Jaune nodded, then crossed his arms and turned back to the rest of them.

"Anyone else?"

Thankfully, nobody's hand went up. Apparently, Ren had said what was on all their minds, which was surprising given that he was pretty sure Ren was supposed to be the quiet one – like, the guy had barely said two paragraphs the whole time they were in Atlas, the stuff with Nora notwithstanding.

"Well, I'm glad we all seem to have reached a consensus," Jaune said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do."

"You mean a Grimm queen to fuck," Yang pointed out.

"That too. I'll be in Salem's chambers if you need me."

"You hear that, Ozpin?" Salem taunted. "I'm about to get some, and you're not."

"I've had thousands of years to get some, so it's only fair that I allow you some time to catch up," Ozpin retorted.

"Oh? You expect me to believe this doesn't bother you?"

"It doesn't in the slightest."

"So you mean to tell me that you're okay with your former wife and the mother of your children taking it from another man?"

"Given we aren't together anymore, then yes, I suppose I am. Also, you got real ugly, so I _really _don't care now."

Salem's eyes narrowed dangerously. Somehow, Jaune could just tell that she was about to cross a line. He just didn't know exactly what that line would be.

Unfortunately, it would prove to be much worse than he could have possibly imagined.

"And what if the mother of your children was to then get pregnant with that other man's child? Would you be bothered then?"

The room went dead silent. Jaune felt his blood freeze in his veins. Out in the crowd, everyone exchanged an uncomfortable glance. Weiss looked disgusted. Ren and Nora were giving Jaune a look that just screamed 'Oh, you poor bastard'. Yang was stuck between being sickened and being curious. Qrow looked like he was really wishing that he hadn't gone sober right about now. Ruby didn't look like anything because she was currently curled up in a ball somewhere else in the castle, basically crying over a yo momma joke because she's a little whiny baby. Blake's face was flushed red and she was breathing heavily for some reason, ostensibly because her limits had been surpassed to the point that they had looped around from 'disgusting' back to 'hot as hell'. Cinder entered the room to clean it, only to freeze when she saw everyone else standing there, then immediately turn around and start walking away so none of her mortal enemies saw her in a maid outfit.

Now broken out of his trance, Jaune shook his head, then looked over to Salem.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

"It's simple, Jaune," Salem explained. "You're going to get me pregnant."

"Ah, I see." He paused. "...And if I don't?"

Her eyes narrowed. "You would deny me the chance to infuriate Ozpin?"

_Uh oh. _"I mean, is it really a good idea to bring a kid into the world solely to spite someone else? Like, that's a lot of work for comparatively little payoff. You could easily piss him off some other way."

"Well, maybe I want to piss him off _this _way. Who are you all to tell me what I can and cannot do?"

"We're the voices of reason," Qrow said. "And call me crazy, but somehow I doubt that trolling Ozpin is the only reason you want kids. Ask me, I think you're trying to create some kind of unholy Grimm army to try and conquer the world with."

"Tempting, but no. The real reason is-"

Realizing she was about to implicate herself, Salem immediately clammed up. Unfortunately, everyone noticed, and leaned in expectantly. The Grimm Queen gave them all a harsh glare before sighing heavily.

"...Fine, the truth. It gets lonely here, okay? Plus, I've always wanted more children after that rat bastard Ozpin helped kill ours. I was hoping Cinder would fill that void, but do you have any idea how hard it is raising a sociopath? The first thing she did when she learned how to walk was to set my bed on fire. And then I made the mistake of having a bit too much wine one night and accidentally let slip about the Maidens, and she was hooked. From there, it was all 'Fall Maiden' this and 'Fall Maiden' that. She even changed her last name to Fall! How am I supposed to compete with that?!"

Salem threw up her hands exasperatedly. "Frankly, I just want to be less lonely. It's hard to find people to relate to when they're all little more than insects compared to you, even at their most powerful. I was hoping that a few children would help with that."

The room was silent for a few seconds. Eventually, Ozpin cleared his throat, stepping forwards.

"Salem, I have to apologize," he said. "It would seem I was wrong about you. All this time, I thought you were merely crazy. Now, though, I can see that you're actually _bat-shit insane_. Our children are dead partly because of you, yet you want to try again? I'd ask if you've gone mad, but it's obvious you have – that little dip in the pool of destruction did about as many favors to your mind as it did to your body. Instead, I'll simply ask the far more prudent question: are you even capable of bearing children? I mean, you were pretty torn up down there after our fourth-"

He didn't get to finish, as a blast of magical energy sent him flying back into the wall. Everyone immediately readied their weapons and glared at Salem, who simply lowered her hand before scoffing.

"Like I was saying, all I want is some children," she said.

"Hang on," Jaune said. "Is that why you kidnapped me in the first place? Because you wanted kids?"

"...You seemed like you would be a good father," Salem admitted quietly. "Frankly, I'm surprised it took you this long to realize."

"What do you mean?"

"I thought what I was doing was pretty obvious given my insistence that you not wear a condom, as well as my bedroom talk. I mean, there are only so many ways one can interpret 'Knock me up, Jaune'. Unfortunately, it seems to have gone right over your head."

Well, excuse him for tuning out the rest of the world whenever he nutted. And she had no room to talk, either – her orgasms were like a fucking bomb going off, in terms of both noise and in sheer destructive power. He would have been amazed that the bedroom was still standing if he didn't know for a fact that it was still in one piece solely because Cinder had been tasked with cleaning it up – by hand, of course; he wasn't about to let the post-coital bliss prevent him from tormenting her.

_Should probably get her a collar that says 'Bitch' or something. You know, really tie the whole slutty maid motif together._

Pushing that thought aside for later, Jaune instead focused on Salem, trying to determine what to do. This was certainly a quandary he had found himself in – escape was obviously not an option; not only did Salem basically have him by the balls (literally and figuratively) given their little arrangement, but he did _not _want to see how she would react if he tried to break up with her (not that he would; again, this was his one and only real chance to sleep with a hot monster girl, and what kind of idiot gives that up?).

"Let me get this straight," Weiss asked. "So, all of this was – kidnapping Jaune, forcing him to sleep with you – it was all just so you could get knocked up?"

"Yes," Salem replied.

"...And you thought this was okay?"

"Hey, I'm desperate, okay? I've literally been in a dry spell for thousands of years. You'd do the same thing if you were in my position."

Weiss scoffed. "Oh, as if."

Yeah, Jaune was pressing X to doubt, right there. As far as he could tell, the only romantic experience Weiss had ever had was with Neptune, and that had lasted all of a few weeks and hadn't even gotten past the handholding stage. She was basically the female equivalent of an incel. The wall may not have hit yet, but it was coming, and it was coming fast. Give it another decade or so and she'd be another bitter thirty-year-old virgin like Winter Schnee.

And speaking of hitting the wall, this whole situation was fucking crazy. Then again, on a certain level, he supposed it was to be expected – those memes about the biological clock, while undoubtedly overblown, still had a small degree of truth to them. He just thought that women hit the wall at thirty, not three-thousand, or however old Salem actually was.

"Well, this has been fun and all, but I think it's about time we left," Yang said. "C'mon Jaune, let's get out of here."

Jaune stared at her, stunned. "...Are you serious?"

"Uh, yeah? We're not just gonna leave you here. Now, let's go."

"No."

Yang, along with the rest of them, blinked in surprise. "…What?"

"You heard me," Jaune replied. "This is a good thing I've got going on."

"Jaune, you're literally banging the queen of evil," Blake pointed out.

"Yeah, and it's hot as hell."

"That's weird," Nora complained.

"Hey, as long as I'm fine with it, I see no problem."

Ren held up a hand. "Okay, pause. Care to explain why you want to stay? I mean, think about this for a second – you're basically being kept as breeding stock for the Queen of Grimm. From the sound of things, she doesn't plan to let you do much else other than sleep with her."

If the idea was to try and convince him to leave, Ren was doing a pretty shitty job of it. Jaune simply shook his head. "My friends, you don't understand. Consider the following: if I stay here, Salem will leave the world alone, right?"

Qrow hesitated. "...Well, yes, but-"

"Then, who am I to turn my nose up at that offer? Sounds like a good deal to me."

"Kid-"

"Plus, have you considered the fact that I happen to think this is a pretty good deal simply because I'm finally getting some?"

Weiss shook her head vehemently. "No. No, there's no way you could possibly consider this a good deal. There's nothing appealing about it."

"Oh, really? Gee, I wonder what could possibly be so appealing about banging a hot MILF who's just at the age where she's starting to fill out and really get curves but not at the age where it's all starting to really sag, and who will also never ever age past that point, thus meaning she's going to literally stay hot forever."

Once more, everyone exchanged a glance. "...Are you being serious right now?" Yang asked.

"No, I simply find that idea _unbearable," _Jaune said. "Why, how could any guy want to stay with a woman who's completely devoted to him, to the point where she's willing to set aside her genocide crusade for several decades even though she could literally wipe out all opposition in the blink of an eye? Nah, there's just nothing appealing about that. I must just be stupid or something."

"...Holy shit, you're really going to do it," Qrow said in awe.

"You're damn right," Jaune replied, nodding. He crossed his arms over his chest. "Now, are there any further objections?"

Again, everyone exchanged a glance, though none of them said anything. Jaune exhaled sharply.

"Then I guess we're done here." He looked over to Salem. "C'mon Salem, let's go make us a baby."

She gave him a slightly bewildered look, as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing. Still, she seemed happy to have heard him say it, and quickly picked him up into a bridal carry and planted a big kiss on his lips.

Jaune was vaguely aware of everyone else giving him an uncomfortable look in the background, but he ignored it because they had all just tried to ruin this for him, the bastards. Seriously, they should consider themselves lucky that he didn't just let Salem feed them all to Kevin for that.

After a few seconds, they pulled apart, staring into each other's eyes as they did so. Slowly, a lecherous grin crossed Salem's face.

"Remember our deal," she said.

Jaune's face fell. He saw his friends out of the corner of his eye and sighed in resignation.

"Of course… Mommy."

...Well, nobody said banging the Queen of the Grimm would be completely smooth sailing, after all.

* * *

"**I'm gonna wake up tomorrow, read the April Fool's chapter, and just be like 'I fucking hate myself'". - Me, moments before uploading the April Fool's chapter and immediately regretting it.**

**Ayy lmao just fuck my whole life up, fam. Surprisingly, it was much more well-received than I thought it'd be… for some reason. Figured I'd have people up in arms since I basically took a steaming shit over several of the more popular fic premises out there, but I guess not. I'm honestly surprised. Stay tuned for next year's April Fool's chapter, where I cancel this fic a second time and "replace" it with a harem gamer fic or something.**

**It probably goes without saying, but the day I write an honest-to-God multiverse react fic, harem fic, or gamer fic is the day I feed myself a hollow point.**

**Also, I'm kind of surprised to see that I actually seem to have gotten a few people with it. I don't know whether that's more of a testament to my shitposting abilities or a scathing indictment of the state of react fics that mine apparently wasn't far off from what they're actually like now, and that's kind of sad. But to anyone who was worried: no, I am not actually canceling this fic, last chapter was for April Fool's.**

**Anyway, here's a pseudo-effortpost to make up for spilling a little too much shit in my shitpost last chapter. **

**I'd go on and on about how much fun I had writing this chapter but I'm still busy flagellating myself for the last one, so instead I'll just leave it there.**

**See you all next time.**

**Next update: Saturday, April 18.**


	12. Give It Up For Robo-Bitch

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 11: Penny, or: Give It Up For Robo-Bitch

* * *

Jaune wasn't sure what he had expected to happen to him upon arriving at Beacon. Obviously, dying a horrible death in initiation wasn't on the list, as if he had considered that a possibility for even a moment, he probably wouldn't have bothered to go. No, if he had to pick, it would consist of things like studying in a classroom, learning to fight, maybe even getting to kill a few Grimm here and there. Getting a girlfriend had certainly never been on the list; sure, he was a hot-blooded teenage boy with hormones that were constantly going crazy all the time, but come on, Huntresses all looked like supermodels, and he… well, he didn't. He was just average.

Needless to say, he had been very surprised when, midway through the first semester, he had bumped into an adorable-looking orange-haired girl. Anyway, after apologizing to Nora for accidentally running into her, he had quickly moved on, and then immediately had the same thing happen to him. Luckily, this girl was just as quick to forgive as Nora had been, though she was also… well, she was weird. Apparently, she conflated bumping into people with becoming friends with them. He wasn't about to complain, of course; she was weird, sure, but she was also a lot of fun to be around, what with how she constantly misinterpreted basic human interactions and was all-around incredibly awkward.

Okay, so maybe part of the reason why he continued to hang out with her was because her social awkwardness made him feel less self-conscious about his own. Sure, not exactly completely virtuous of him, but they _were _still friends, so it was fine.

At least, it was fine until he had started to develop feelings for her.

It was inevitable, really – he was a teenage boy hanging out with a very cute teenage girl, and they both got along great; obviously, something would develop there. To his surprise, Penny had ended up reciprocating his feelings when he bared them to her, and the two quickly became boyfriend and girlfriend.

"Boyfriend-Jaune, is this the point where we proceed to procreation?"

Unfortunately.

Everyone else around the table looked at them in surprise. Jaune simply sighed, bringing one hand up to rub at the bridge of his nose.

"No, Penny," he replied patiently.

"But we have been dating for two weeks," she pointed out. "According to my research, the average length of time before couples begin the act of copulating is about two weeks."

More like two hours, if the rise of online hookup sites was any indication. Still, she didn't need to hear that-

"More like two hours, if the rise of online hookup sites is any indication," Yang interjected.

Jaune groaned, burying his face in his hands. _Gods dammit, Yang…_

Penny's jaw dropped. "Boyfriend-Jaune, we must hurry! We cannot allow our relationship to be compromised by missing such an important milestone!"

"Penny, for the hundredth time, it's okay," Jaune reassured. "I would rather take our relationship slow right now."

That, and Ciel had cornered him in the hallway and threatened to basically cut his balls off if he did anything indecent towards Penny before the time was right. He had no idea when the time would be right, but something told him that it was not within two weeks.

"But Boyfriend-Jaune, our relationship must abide by the standards set by other relationships if we are to be normal."

Oh, so _now _she wanted to be normal? Good Gods, this girl was going to be the death of him,

Across the table, Weiss affixed him with a harsh glare. "What on Remnant are you teaching her? You're such a pig."

Jaune sputtered, exasperated. "Uh, excuse me, she's the one bringing this up! What makes you think this is my fault?!"

"Forgive me if I find it hard to believe that you're not at least partially at fault here."

"Well, it's the truth!" Desperately, he looked around the table. "Guys, back me up! Tell her I'm not a creep!"

To his dismay, everyone else merely looked away, mumbling under their breath.

"Wha- guys!" Jaune protested.

"...I mean, can you blame us?" Blake asked. "Penny is… well, she's easily fooled. It's not hard to believe you're giving her ideas about this."

Wow, how kind of her to say that when Penny was, you know, _right there. _Truly the worst girl on Team RWBY. Frantically, Jaune shook his head.

"Do you have any idea what her teammate will do to me if I make any moves towards her? You're acting like I have a death wish."

Penny tapped him on the shoulder. "Boyfriend-Jaune, what was that about Friend-Ciel?"

All the color drained from Jaune's face. "Uh, nothing, Penny!" he quickly replied. "Just… um… remembering how much I like to spend time around her! Heh, yeah, Ciel's a great friend."

Everyone else at the table winced, except for Penny, who suddenly smiled.

"Oh, how sensational!" she stated. "My boyfriend and my friend are getting along great!" She beamed at him. "Say, do you think Ciel would be open to participating in a three-way?"

Jaune choked, both because of what she had said and because of how everybody else at the table glowered at him. "Penny, no! Why even say that?"

The redhead cocked her head, a confused look on her face. "I was under the impression that having a three-way was a common fantasy for many young men."

Frantically, Jaune shook his head. "No! No, no, no! Penny, you're the only one for me!"

"Great! Then let us retire to my room together!"

Jaune bashed his head against the table, trying his best to wake himself from the nightmare he had somehow wandered into. Unfortunately, he was already awake. Out of options, he looked to Ruby.

"You're her best friend! Talk some sense into her!"

Ruby blinked, surprised, but ultimately sighed before turning to Penny. "Penny, whatever perverted thoughts Jaune's filled your head with-"

"Hey!"

"-That's no excuse to act on them so suddenly. It's okay to take things slow for now."

Penny blinked, but ultimately nodded. "Okay, Friend-Ruby. I will adjust my dating parameters to reflect that we are now taking things slow."

Jaune sighed, relieved. Part of him had to question why Penny was willing to listen to Ruby over him, but it honestly didn't matter so long as she was now done saying perverted things to him.

"Say, Boyfriend-Jaune," Penny said, "now that we are taking things slow, why have you made no attempts to kiss me yet?"

Jaune merely sighed. Apparently, the two of them had different definitions of 'slow'. Still, he supposed it was acceptable; if nothing else, it was better than the alternative.

"That's actually a good point," Yang interrupted. "Jaune, have you really been trying to get your girlfriend into bed before you've even kissed her?"

"I haven't been trying to get her into bed at all!" Jaune protested.

Everyone gave him a doubtful look, causing him to sigh tiredly. Silently cursing, Jaune turned towards Penny.

"You know what? Come here, Penny. I'm going to kiss you, since it seems like that's what you want."

"Sen-sational!" Penny cheered, moving closer. "Oh, my first kiss! Ciel would be so proud of me if she knew!"

Jaune somehow doubted that. Silently reminding himself to ask Penny not to tell her father about this, Jaune puckered his lips and leaned forwards, intending to give her a brief peck.

He didn't expect her to roughly grab him and slam their lips together, then start poking at his mouth with her tongue.

His eyes shot open as he started to struggle in her grasp, but Penny was relentless, instead holding him in place as she ravished the inside of his mouth. She kept him rooted to the spot as she went to work, running her tongue over each individual tooth; silently, Jaune looked over to his friends, begging for help, but they did nothing. Those who weren't enthused at his misfortune were deeply disturbed by the display in front of them.

After a solid minute, Penny broke the kiss, though not before biting on his lower lip a bit before she pulled away, then allowing it to fall back to its original position. Jaune gasped for breath, wiping the trail of saliva that connected them away before looking over at his girlfriend. Their gazes met, and he instantly regretted looking at her.

Penny was staring at him with the eyes of a predator. She was like a tiger who had just been offered a juicy steak. Slowly, she licked her lips.

"Since we are taking it slow, I look forward to sleeping with you in two weeks, Boyfriend-Jaune."

Jaune was tempted to run, but he wasn't willing to give the entire cafeteria a face full of his massive erection. Instead, he nodded fearfully, while Penny turned and began to converse with everyone else as if nothing had happened.

At this point, Jaune wasn't sure what to think, or how to feel. Part of him felt violated… but as uncomfortable as it had made him, he couldn't deny that it was also hot as hell. Like damn, that was steamy. He was pretty sure he saw Blake take a picture out of the corner of his eye.

Besides that, there were a few thoughts going through his head. The first was a curse on online dating and hookup culture for making it to where having incredibly kinky sex after just a few weeks of knowing each other was now considered taking it slow. The second was a bit different, but no less important.

_Why did her lips taste like motor oil?  
_

* * *

The recent days had brought about a great many revelations with regards to Penny. In addition to the knowledge that she was more than ready to choke on his schlong and the only thing holding him back from letting her do it was the fear of what Ciel would do to him, there was also the fact that Penny was even weirder than Jaune had initially thought.

Which was saying something, given that she smiled _all the time. _If he didn't know just how harmless she was, he'd be convinced that she was something straight out of a slasher movie.

Anyway, the point was, Penny was weird. As for how weird…

"Jaune, what is that girl doing?"

...Well, the limits of that had yet to be seen. Just when he thought she had reached the pinnacle of weirdness, she surprised him with something new, like what was happening now.

Sighing softy, Jaune looked off into the distance, squinting. It only took him a moment to realize what he was looking at – Reese, one of the visiting students from Haven, riding her hoverboard.

"She's hoverboarding, Penny."

"Hoverboarding?" Penny echoed. "What's that?"

Jaune furrowed his brow. How was he supposed to answer that without sounding patronizing? "It's… um… when you ride a hoverboard, I guess."

"Ooooh," Penny said, somehow sounding like that was the most amazing fact in the world. "...Why would she do that?"

"...Because it's fun?" Jaune replied, not really sure why he was going along with this line of questioning.

"Fun..." Penny replied. "You mean to tell me that balancing oneself atop a floating two-by-four stimulates the dopamine receptors in the brain?"

Jaune blinked. Now she was speaking in tongues, apparently. Great. "...What?"

"You know, dopamine."

"Gesundheit."

The ginger girl shook her head. "No, silly! Dopamine – the pleasure chemical."

_You know what? Just go along with it, Jaune. Not like questioning it is going to make things any easier. _"Of course I know it, Penny."

"Great! Then maybe you can explain why riding a hoverboard is fun?"

Well, so much for that. "...Well, I've never ridden one, so I wouldn't know."

"But why?"

"Huh?"

"If it's so fun, why haven't you ridden one?"

Because his mom hated the thought of him having fun, apparently. Not like he had spent every birthday from the age of nine to the age of thirteen asking for one, only to be shot down every time. Hell, now that he thought about it, that was all the more reason to blame his parents for him not being a badass – maybe if they had let him ride a hoverboard, he would have found some way to weaponize it like Reese had, and then he wouldn't have had to cheat his way into Beacon.

...Of course, knowing him it probably would have ended with him falling off the damn board and cracking his head open like an egg, but that was beside the point. Also, who the fuck weaponized a hoverboard? That was just asinine, and Reese's win/loss record in Combat Class proved it.

_Hell, maybe I should have asked her out before going for Penny. She's the only person who's about as pathetic as I am; we'd probably be great together. Less awkward, too._

Filing that thought away for a rainy day, Jaune shook his head, then turned back to Penny.

"Well, my parents thought it was dangerous, so they didn't want me riding one."

"...They thought riding a hoverboard was dangerous, but going to Beacon was safe?"

_Uh oh. _Part of him regretted not letting Penny in on the secret about his transcripts, but that part of him was quickly silenced by the memory of Penny somehow stumbling upon his scroll a few days ago and blabbing about its contents to the world.

"_Jaune, why have you downloaded a game called _'Faunus Panty Quest Seventeen: Hurt Feelings Edition'_? Is this a normal part of preparing for imminent copulation in a few weeks?"_

Yeah, that had been a great conversation to have at the dinner table. So much for his friendships with Blake and Velvet.

And he really wished she would stop making reference to 'imminent copulation' - he had enough performance anxiety as it was, he didn't need her making it worse by reminding him how many days remained until she _really _tried to take his virginity by force.

Great, now he was reminded just how pathetic this whole situation was. He had a ridiculously cute girlfriend who really wanted to jump his bones, and he refused to act upon it for fear of what her friend would do. Curse his status as the weakest first-year in Beacon.

Anyway, where was he? Oh, right – somehow talking his way out of the mess he had found himself in.

_Think fast, Jaune._

"...Uh, yeah," he said awkwardly. "Yeah, my parents… aren't really consistent in their beliefs, you know?"

Penny tilted her head, confused. "Why?"

"Well, parents are just like that, I suppose."

"Why?"

"I don't know, really. I guess it's just part of being a parent."

"Why?"

Jaune frowned. Were they really doing this? It was always hard to tell if she was being serious or not, and the confused toddler routine she was currently putting on, while definitely new, still screamed that it was equal parts her being weird and her just trolling him.

"Well, parents are supposed to protect you however they think is appropriate. Sometimes that means they contradict themselves."

Thankfully, Penny didn't question that answer. Instead, she merely went cross-eyed, slumping over with a bit of drool dripping out the edge of her mouth.

Jaune frowned. "Uh, Penny?"

No response – she simply stayed there, slack-jawed. Jaune raised one hand to try and shake her shoulder, though moments before he was about to make contact, Penny shook herself awake.

"I apologize," Penny said, her voice monotone. She glanced over at Jaune, and for a moment, he swore that he saw her eyes flash blue and fill with what looked suspiciously like an error code.

"Um, what was that?" Jaune asked.

Penny waved her hand. "Oh, I simply got caught up in a question-and-answer loop and had to reboot. It's not a big deal, though it is a bit concerning; I thought my father fixed that glitch when he changed my operating system over to Linux."

"...What?"

Penny's eyes widened. "Um, I mean, I don't know! I spaced out! I'm not a robot!" She suddenly hiccuped.

Great, now she was quoting Captcha at him. Could this conversation get any more confusing?

Once again, she hiccuped. "I-I'll see you later, Boyfriend-Jaune!"

And then she was off, running away from him for some reason while incessantly hiccuping to herself. Jaune watched her go, perplexed. Finally, he sighed to himself.

"Yup, definitely something weird about that girl."

* * *

The days continued to pass, and Penny continued to get weirder and weirder. At first, Jaune had been willing to chalk it up to her being excited to claim his virginity, but that became a lot harder to accept with both the nature and the frequency of the weird stuff she was doing.

It had started with him catching her licking a D-cell battery. Odd, but then again maybe she was just a glutton for punishment or something. Plus, he had encountered weirder (the gray-haired guy from Haven talking to a sock puppet of his team leader came to mind).

Naturally, that hadn't been the end of it, though. Later that same day, he had seen Penny pull a wire from under her skirt and plug it into a wall socket. At first he was convinced that she was into some really kinky shit, but if that was the case, she probably would have shown some reaction to it. Instead, she merely placed her back to the wall to cover the socket, then closed her eyes and went to sleep… or rather, it turned out that she had gone to sleep; apparently, her chest didn't rise and fall like, you know, _everyone else's did when they breathed. _

That, naturally, led to only one conclusion: his girlfriend wasn't human. It was unrealistic, sure, but the evidence was all there – she was strange, unaccustomed to human norms, enjoyed licking batteries, had to charge herself in a way that looked suspiciously like she was masturbating, and didn't breathe, and that was coupled with her apparently shutting down just a few days ago. In the face of all that, Jaune simply couldn't deny it.

The only question was what to do with it.

Obviously, the first thing that came up was breaking things off with her… but quite frankly, he didn't want to. Aside from her eccentricities and the fact that she didn't seem to understand that jumping his bones meant putting him in mortal peril, Penny was perfectly fine, and he was happy to have her as his girlfriend. So, with that option eliminated, what was he to do? He didn't want to out her as inhuman, but at the same time he didn't want to just bottle this up and act like it wasn't a big deal – it clearly was a big deal, and more importantly, he was an awful secret keeper, and if he didn't tell someone then he was going to end up accidentally blabbing about it to the whole school or something.

So that left him with just one option.

"Thanks for meeting with me, Ruby," Jaune greeted.

Ruby stepped into the room, shutting the door behind her. "Sure thing. So, what's this about?"

"It's about Penny."

The redhead cocked an eyebrow. "...Okay, I don't know what she's been telling you, but I'm not interested in being a part of a three-way."

"W-what?" Jaune sputtered.

"Like, you're both good friends, but I just wouldn't be comfortable-"

"_You _wouldn't be comfortable?! _I _wouldn't be comfortable! You're, like, fifteen!"

"So?"

"That's weird!"

She shrugged. "Two years isn't that bad, really. Plus, age is just a number."

"And prison is just a room, but that doesn't mean I'm down for it! Did Penny seriously ask you that?!"

"Sure, but I just gently turned her down. Penny's… well, she's odd. It's important to be gentle but firm with her."

That was why the two of them were besties, then. Still, Jaune couldn't help but raise an eyebrow.

"She's odd, you say?"

Ruby nodded. "Well, yeah. I mean, I like Penny a lot, but she's just… you know, not all there."

This was it – his moment to reveal what he knew about his girlfriend, his chance to tell someone her dark secret. Part of him was apprehensive, but if anyone else deserved to know, it was Penny's best friend. Plus, from the sound of things, she had already surmised that Penny wasn't human.

Time to bite the bullet, then.

"It's alright, Ruby," Jaune said. "You don't have to act like you don't know."

Again, Ruby raised an eyebrow. "What are you talking about, you weirdo?"

"I know about Penny, Ruby."

The redhead paused. "...You know about Penny?"

"Yes."

"...Like, _know, _know?"

"Her secret? Yeah."

Ruby bit her lower lip, as if uncertain to continue. "...Then you know that she's-"

"A Frankenstein's monster, yeah."

Immediately, the scythe-wielder paused. "What," she said, her voice flat and unamused.

Jaune nodded. "It's obvious, in retrospect. I mean, think about it – she knows nothing of human social graces, she's freakishly strong, and she really wants to be loved. Plus, I've caught her licking batteries and charging herself using a cord from under her skirt."

Jaune reached out, placing a hand on Ruby's shoulder and giving her a reassuring grin. "You don't have to act like you don't know, Rubes. I get why you're doing it, but since I've already figured it out-"

Ruby shook off his hand, giving him an annoyed look. "No offense, but you haven't figured out anything, Jaune."

"What? But she's clearly-"

"A robot."

This time, it was Jaune's turn to pause. "...A robot?"

"Yeah, a robot. I mean, I thought it was obvious – have none of you noticed the mechanical whirring noise whenever she moves?"

"Uh, no."

"Seriously? Wow, you must all be deaf. Also, a Frankenstein's monster? Really?"

"...In my defense, she fit the bill."

Ruby shook her head. "You're unbelievable, you know that?"

"Well, how do you know?" Jaune asked.

"Easy: she got scuffed up saving me from a speeding truck when we were in downtown Vale. Her artificial skin tore, and I got a glimpse of the mechanical skeleton underneath."

"...Okay, then." Not the answer he had been expecting, but definitely one he couldn't argue with. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. "Wait, why tell me this? Shouldn't this be a secret?"

Ruby's only response was to shrug. "I mean, you already suspected that she wasn't human. Plus, she has doll joints – you haven't seen them yet, but when you two have sex, you will."

"Ah." Another pause. "...She, um, has the 'parts', then-"

Ruby facepalmed. "Yes, you idiot," she said with a groan. "Did you really think she would offer to sleep with you if she didn't?"

"...Well, I just figured-"

"Jaune, she was designed to mimic a human. If she didn't have the parts, do you really think she'd be capable of doing that?"

"...Why the doll joints, then?"

"That's-" This time, Ruby paused. "...You know, that's actually a good question..."

Jaune simply shook his head. Trying to make sense of all of this was hard enough without pointing out a blatant contradiction such as that, so he was just going to ignore it in favor of simply moving on.

And as long as he was focused on things he was planning to ignore, he might as well add the fact that Atlas was apparently in the business of designing waifubots, both because thinking about that made his brain hurt and because he wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Anyway, there were more important things to worry about, so he pushed those thoughts away for the time being.

"So, what now?" he asked.

"What do you mean, what now? Obviously, we can't tell anyone."

"But her team-"

"Is better off not knowing," Ruby warned. "Seriously, we don't know just how classified this is supposed to be. It's highly likely that Atlas wants to keep this under wraps, and that they're willing to do whatever it takes to keep it a secret."

"...Okay, got it," Jaune said, nodding. "So, just act natural, then?"

"Yes, that would be best."

Easy for her to say – he had caught Penny sucking the brake fluid out of Yang's bike a few hours ago. If Atlas was supposed to be keeping her a closely-guarded secret, then they might want to tell her that, because she clearly hadn't gotten the message.

In any case, his path was clear – no matter how odd and robot-like Penny got, he just had to act like nothing was wrong.

And how hard could that be?

* * *

"So, I know you're a robot."

Penny blinked, then smiled a wide, fake smile at him. "I-I have no idea what you're talking about, Boyfriend-Jaune!"

She hiccuped, and Jaune sighed.

Yeah, he had agreed to keep it a secret. Yeah, he was technically betraying his friend's trust by not doing so. Yeah, this was going to be an awkward conversation with his girlfriend. But damn it, he just couldn't take it anymore. He was drawing the line at seeing Penny plug the printer into her stomach a few hours ago. Sure, it was a mild thing compared to that time he had caught her adjusting her hand with a socket wrench, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Holding in a secret of this magnitude was killing him; he just couldn't act like nothing was wrong and it didn't bother him any longer. He had to tell someone.

"Look, Penny," Jaune began, "It's no big deal-"

"I-it is a big deal!" Penny cried. "I was supposed to keep it a secret! Father will be so mad..."

"Hey, I'm sure it'll be fine," Jaune said reassuringly. "It's not like you told me on your own. He can't exactly be angry at you if you didn't even tell me in the first place."  
Ignoring the fact that she technically just had, and that she hadn't exactly been hiding it all that well in the first place. But that was neither here nor there; the point was that his girlfriend was upset, and it was his job to comfort her.

Penny sniffled. "S-so… you aren't upset?"

Jaune shook his head. "Why would I be? You're still the same adorable Penny I love."

The gynoid stared at him before a wide smile crept across her face. Before Jaune knew what was happening, she had swept him into a bone-crushing hug, then planted a kiss on his cheek.

"Oh, Boyfriend-Jaune, I knew I could trust you!" she said, elated.

Jaune didn't reply, as he was too busy having the air crushed out of his lungs.

"At first I wasn't sure about testing you, but now I can see that I made the right choice!"

Wait, what?

"Tested…?" Jaune managed to grunt.

Penny nodded furiously. "Yes! See, I started worrying about what would happen if you were ever to find out that I'm not human, so I decided to drop a few subtle hints and see if you discovered the truth on your own!"

Apparently, the two of them had different definitions of the word 'subtle'; Jaune's was closer to the dictionary definition, while Penny's was closer to the idea of mowing your lawn with a flamethrower.

"Honestly, at first I was afraid you wouldn't catch on," Penny continued. "I mean, I wasn't exactly being obvious about it."

_Girl, I watched you drink brake fluid __a few hours ago__, _Jaune thought to himself.

"Anyway, I'm glad that now you know, and you don't mind! And I didn't even have to tell you myself!"

Again, she gave Jaune a peck on the cheek before letting him go. The blonde greedily sucked in air, wincing whenever his ribs flared up in pain as he did so.

"Anyway, now that you know, I can't wait to share some of my functions with you!" Penny said excitedly.

Jaune raised an eyebrow. "Functions?"

"Yes! I was designed not only with the best in combat software, but also in entertainment and business software as well!" She got right up in his face, causing him to flinch.

"Would you like to use me to play the original _Doom? _I can run it on my eyeballs! Or maybe you'd prefer it if I started mining cryptocurrency for you? Though I must warn you – that tends to make me overheat, so I may need to strip down a bit!"

"...Um-"

"Or perhaps you'd like me to torrent your favorite music, or watch your favorite movies movies! I am a master at all piracy-related things! Internet service providers hate me!"

That earned another eyebrow raise. "...How much torrenting have you been doing?"

She waved him off. "Oh, just a little. Why do you ask? Are you interested?"

Fuck no – the only time he had torrented something had been a few years back, when he had attempted to download the newest Spruce Willis movie only to end up getting several gigabytes' worth of dolphin porn instead. Yeah, apparently the universe hated him so much that the one time he torrented something, rather than get a virus, he got dolphin porn. Just his fucking luck.

That's a real thing, by the way – people uploading fake torrents that are actually filled with nothing but dolphin porn. If you don't know what dolphin porn is, do yourself a favor and don't look it up. Trust me.

Shaking that thought from his head, Jaune turned back to his girlfriend. Frankly, this day was weird enough already, and he just wanted it to be over before things got _really _up someone's ass.

"So, what now?"

Penny shrugged. "I don't know. I guess we-"

There was a chime, and curiously enough, it instantly made her freeze, her eyes widening. Jaune raised an eyebrow.

"Uh, Penny? What's that noise mean?"

She didn't respond immediately. Instead, she blinked, then turned towards him, a lecherous grin creeping across her face. Their gazes met, and she slowly licked her lips. Jaune felt his blood run cold.

Then, she spoke.

"It's time."

He didn't even have time to argue before she picked him up in a bridal carry and began to sprint back to her room.

* * *

It took them no time at all to get back to Penny's room. Once there, the gynoid was quick to unceremoniously belt Ciel out, to the point where the stoic Atlesian barely had time to shoot Jaune the nastiest death glare imaginable before the door slammed shut on her. And as much as Jaune knew there would be hell to pay for what was about to happen, he just couldn't find it in himself to care once Penny's shirt had come off.

_Forgive me Padre, for I have sinned._

There was just no way something like this wasn't a sin, given how good it was. He supposed that was the point, though – why make an artificial girl if you weren't going to make her perfect in every way? Her chest was just the right size, not to mention just the right firmness as well. Artificial they may have been, but come on, whose boobs _weren't _these days? Like, he was pretty sure Yang had had some work done at some point, because come on, they were almost as big as her _head. _If that was natural, then so were all the guys in a bodybuilding competition, and he knew for a fact that everybody in those was juicing.

And that was to say nothing about what was going on down below.

_Jaune dot exe has suffered a catastrophic error and needs to restart. Would you like to reboot?  
_

_No._

_[Yes.]_

_Rebooting… 30%… 50%… 80%… 100%…_

Yeah, that was that good shit right there. Perfect, just like the stuff up top.

You know, it was honestly saying a lot about the state of modern women when an artificial one managed to tick all his boxes more than anyone else ever had, but that wasn't important right now. What was important was that she was just… _perfect _for him.

Of course, that just raised the unfortunate implication that Penny's father had specifically designed her that way, so Jaune was just going to ignore it, because that was all kinds of creepy that he didn't want when he was about to do it all for the nookie (nookie).

(The author sincerely apologizes for that terrible reference and wholeheartedly suggests that anybody now screaming at their computer in a rage go load up some Nocturnus or Sylosis or something similarly heavy as a palate cleanser).

Anyway, terrible metaphors and intentionally vague descriptors aside, it hadn't taken much for Jaune's resistance to fly out the window like Ruby's uncle after a few drinks too many. Before he knew it, they were both down to their birthday suits, lying on Penny's bed and making out.

Eventually, Penny paused their makeout session, pulling away for a brief moment.

"So, Boyfriend-Jaune, what position would you like to try first?" she asked.

"...Position?" he asked.

She nodded vigorously. "In preparation, I made sure to torrent three terabytes' worth of pornographic films, in order to learn all I could to maximize pleasure for both parties."

Okay, first red flag of the evening. "Uh, Penny-"

She thought for a moment before perking up. "Oh! I have an idea."

"I don't think-"

"So, this one starts with your legs behind your head."

"Wait, wha-"

He never got a chance to finish his sentence, as Penny grabbed his legs and _pulled. _Jaune found himself having to force back a cry of pain, which she thankfully seemed to notice.

"...This seems uncomfortable for you," the gynoid observed.

"You think?" Jaune asked through gritted teeth. Letting his legs return to their original position, he breathed a sigh of relief as he felt his aura start to flow into them, keeping them from screaming in pain. "Now, since this is the first time for both of us, why don't we take it slow?"

Penny nodded tentatively. "Of course." She cast a glance down at his crotch, frowning. "Though, I must ask – why does it seem so… um… underwhelming?"

Jaune was offended for all of two seconds before he realized what she was comparing him to. Slowly, he sighed.

"Please don't compare me to male porn stars, Penny. That'd be like me comparing your breasts to a female porn star's."

Sad thing was that Penny's breasts, artificial as they were, were probably still more real than most of the ones seen in porn.

Again, Penny nodded. "Right. Sorry."

"Don't worry about it, you didn't know. Now, is there anything in particular you want to start with?"

She perked up at that. "Yes! Now, based on my research, I think it best to begin with foreplay!"

Okay, that wasn't too bad. He certainly wouldn't be a master at it, but he was more than willing to indulge her.

"Now, from what I found, foreplay should consist of a few minutes of using your fingers, then your mouth! And I will be sure to moan as loudly as possible and scream expletives the whole time!"

Jaune actually facepalmed. He had heard about people watching too much porn and walking away from it all with unrealistic expectations, but this was ridiculous. Apparently, he was going to have to take matters into his own hands.

"Look, Penny," he began, "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but there's no need to worry about everything being perfect."

Penny fidgeted nervously, biting her lip. "...I just want our first time together to go well."

"And it will, but not if you insist on micromanaging everything." Jaune gave her a reassuring grin. "Look, just lie back for now, and I'll get started. We'll take things as they come – no schedules, no worrying about what we 'should' be doing, and most importantly, no crazy positions or expectations from porn. In fact, um… it would probably be best to clear your memory banks of all pornography."

Penny blinked, but nodded. She closed her eyes, then opened them a few seconds later. "...Folder labeled 'Things Normal Meat People Look At That Definitely Are Not Pornography, Do Not Even Think Of Opening This Folder, Father' has been deleted permanently."

Jaune couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief at that. Right, now they could finally get to the fun stuff.

"Just relax, Penny. I'll take the lead for now."

She did, and he did. And it was good. So good, in fact, that he temporarily forgot about how bad Ciel was going to murderize him.

But all good things must come to an end, as the morning after would no doubt prove.

* * *

The night came and went, eventually giving way to morning. Jaune was quick to leave Penny's room in order to get to his first class of the day, happily humming to himself the whole time, a huge grin on his face.

Aside from the first few minutes, the night had been _perfect. _He and Penny had both had a great time, which was reassuring because he wasn't sure she would even be able to feel anything even if she had the proper parts for it, but thankfully her father had built her with that in mind.

...That was immensely creepy to think about, so he was just gonna move on.

Anyway, probably the best part of the night had been Penny being physically incapable of getting pregnant, being a robot and all. That was basically just a fancy way of saying that he had been free to raw dog it with no consequences, and he had. Gods almighty, he had. Shit was so cash.

_Should probably get her some flowers or something, _Jaune mused. _Do something nice for her to show how much I love her after last night._

Yes, for all her faults, Jaune couldn't help but love her. She was awkward, sure, and didn't exactly have the nuances of human interaction or social graces down just yet, but damn it, she was trying. And even without that, she was still fun to be around, cared about him a lot, and was freakin' adorable. Truly a beautiful cinnamon roll, if ever there was one.

Jaune rounded the corner, only to run smack-dab into someone's fist with his stomach. Doubling over and wheezing in pain, Jaune cast a glance up, only to freeze in terror at what he found.

Ciel Soleil stood over him, her trademark stoicism having left her. For the first time since he had met her, the Atlesian was actually emoting, though it wasn't an emotion he was able to appreciate. No, what she was looking at him with was nothing more than raw, unadulterated fury.

"Hello, Jaune," she greeted. "Do you have a minute?"

That was a trick question and she knew it, but he wasn't stupid enough to try and run. Instead, Jaune shakily rose to his feet, nodding.

"Y-yes."

"Good. I just wanted to tell you that I know what you did to Penny last night."

That was a stupid thing to say for a variety of reasons. For one, of course she knew what they had done; they had, after all, kicked her out of her room specifically so they could both play a rousing game of 'Hide the Sausage', so to speak. For another, it was less him doing anything to Penny and more Penny doing things to him – foreplay aside, she had preferred being on top.

Not that he was about to correct Ciel on the latter, of course – his ass was already due to be thoroughly kicked, and he wasn't interested in having it kicked twice as hard.

The only question, of course, was what happened now.

Jaune sighed, lowering his head. "...Alright, get it over with. If you're going to attack me-"

To his surprise, Ciel simply shook her head. "Oh, I won't be doing anything."

That caused him to look at her in surprise. "You won't?"

"Oh, no."

Well, that was a relief. He sighed, now relaxed that he had dodged a beating.

Unfortunately, giving him the brief bit of respite was all part of Ciel's master plan, because her next words were perfectly calculated to annihilate him.

"But her father will."

Instantly, the blood froze in Jaune's veins. He felt his skin go cold, and the color drain from his face. Ciel must have noticed as well, because she suddenly showed her second emotion – mirth at his misfortune.

"Yes, you heard right," she taunted. "As soon as I was kicked out of my room, I placed a call to her father. I let him know everything you were doing to his only daughter."

Jaune swallowed nervously. "Y-you… you _monster. _Why, Ciel? What did I ever do to deserve this?"

"Oh, so _now _you ask," the Atlesian growled, shaking her head. "You know what you did."

This time, the blonde sighed. "Yeah… you think I corrupted Penny and turned her into a sex-crazed nymphomaniac."

"What? No, you idiot. What do you take me for, some kind of ultra-prude?"

Again, Jaune looked at her, surprised. "Then why-"

"You remember that time a few weeks ago, when you borrowed ten lien from me?"

"...Yes? What does that have-"

"Only _everything," _Ciel hissed. "Let this be a lesson to you, Arc – pay your fucking debts."

"...Are you kidding me?" Jaune asked, equal parts exasperated and in disbelief. "You mean you got between me and Penny, tried to break our relationship apart, punched me in the stomach, and are now trying to get me killed by calling Penny's overprotective father on me… because I forgot to pay back the ten bucks I borrowed? Am I understanding that clearly?"

"Crystal, yes."

Jaune sighed, lowering his head. "...Right. Just wanted to make sure we were on the same page."

Honestly, he wasn't even mad. This whole situation was just so colossally retarded that he wasn't even sure if it was real. Like, a small part of him was convinced that he was still back in Penny's room, asleep and serving as the big spoon, and that this was all just a really shitty, nonsensical dream that he would wake up from.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case, as was quickly proven when Penny came barreling around the corner, a worried expression on her face.

"Boyfriend-Jaune!" she shouted, rushing over to him. "Boyfriend-Jaune, you must hide!"

"Nice to see you, too, Penny," Jaune deadpanned.

Honestly, he was just fucking done at this point. Penny could have been a truck barreling towards him and he would have just stood there and let it happen. Maybe that way it would kill him and he would reincarnate in a different world that was marginally less shitty than this one.

'Marginally' because Penny wouldn't be there, and that was a hell in and of itself.

The gynoid paused in front of him. "Please, Jaune, you must find somewhere to hide for a while! My father is on the way here to see you!"

"I know. Ciel called him on me."

Penny turned towards Ciel, confused. "Friend-Ciel? Is that correct?"

The Atlesian shrugged. "He didn't pay me what he owed."

"What?! Boyfriend-Jaune, Ciel takes her debts very seriously! How could you do something so foolish?!"

Oh, come the fuck on. Was she seriously blaming him for this even though it was clearly the fault of Ciel and her moneygrubbing nature? And here he was, thinking that whole thing about girls sticking together no matter what was just bullshit. He was tempted to tell the very concept of the Sisterhood to suck his dick, but he'd gotten plenty of that the night before and was liable to start shooting blood if he got any more of it at this point, so fuck that.

Anyway, what he was getting at was that this was some hot garbage right here, and he didn't like it. But as tempted as he was to get mad, that wouldn't solve anything. Now was the time to be proactive, not reactive.

Jaune shook his head. "Sorry Penny, but I'm not running."

"What?! But Jaune-"

"No 'buts', Penny." Aside from hers last night, that is. And what a butt it was. "I'm not running and hiding. I love you, and if I have to stand up to your father, then so be it."

"You don't understand!" Penny said, frantic. "He's a mad scientist, Jaune! He'll take you back to his lab, and use your body for all kinds of inhumane and unethical experiments, and then present you to his assistant while shouting, 'Gentlemen, behold!' Do you even know what happened to Randall, Jaune?!"

Jaune blinked. "...Who's Randall?"

"My father's old roommate! He didn't pay his half of the utilities, and you know what happened? Father spliced his double helix together with that of a fried porkchop!"

Well, that was certainly concerning. The last thing he wanted was to become a fried pork-Jaune. Still, between suffering that fate and never seeing his girlfriend again, his choice was easy to make.

"Well, thanks for the warning, but I'm not backing down," Jaune declared.

"Boyfriend-Jaune, please-"

"No, Penny," he said, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, but I have to do this."

Penny stared at him, silently begging for him to reconsider. After several seconds, she bit her lip before nodding. "...Okay. But don't be surprised if he attempts to bust out the Rabbot."

Jaune wasn't sure what that was, but at this point he was probably better off not knowing.

"Right, then," Jaune said, determined. "Let's go."

* * *

Needless to say, Jaune's bravado lasted about as long as it took for him to actually meet Penny's father. Even confined to a wheelchair, the man was intimidating.

"So, this is the guy?" A robotic voice asked from behind several inches of ballistic plating.

Granted, the 'wheelchair' was actually more of a mobile weapons platform loaded with about six different laser cannons, all of them pointed directly at Jaune, but still.

Penny sighed, then shook her head. "Yes, Father. This is my boyfriend, Jaune."

Swallowing nervously, Jaune held up a hand in greeting. "Uh, nice to meet you, sir-"

"Great, so not only is he a daughter-defiler, he's also a liar," Doctor Polendina replied. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't vaporize you where you stand boy."

"Father!" Penny protested.

"Not now, sweetie – Daddy's in the process of committing assault with a deadly weapon. Now then, Jaune, your response?"

Man, and here he was, thinking those stupid teenage romance movies featuring overprotective fathers were all just… well, stupid. Now he knew that if anything, they were underselling it.

_Think fast, Jaune._

"Erm, well… if you killed me, Penny would be upset?"

"Yes, I would!" Penny interrupted, crossing her arms and turning away. "I will never forgive you if you atomize my boyfriend, Father!"

Thank the Gods Penny was backing him up on this, because he doubted his ability to talk himself out of this one. Times like this, he really regretted the fact that he had basically treated all the Charisma skills as his dump stats and instead put all those points in some other garbage skill that was of no use.

He wasn't quite sure what that hypothetical skill would even be considering that he wasn't exactly a man of many talents, but whatever.

Ignoring the fact that that joke was dead on arrival, Jaune instead turned his attention back to the situation at hand, which in his few seconds of spacing out, had apparently devolved into Penny and her father arguing with each other over something.

"Penny, sweetie, please just listen to reason-"

"No, father! I am not letting you disintegrate Jaune, even if you get me a puppy like I wanted!"

"...Not even if it was a golden retriever?"

"That-" She paused and thought for a moment before shaking her head. "...Is a tempting offer, I will admit, but Jaune is worth more to me than any puppy!"

_Gee, thanks, Penny. Glad to know I'm worth that much to you, _Jaune thought dryly.

Again, Penny huffed. "Now, would you please come out of your armored suit so we can discuss this like adults?"

"...Fine," her father said.

The front of the suit began to open, allowing the wheelchair to detach from the rest of the chassis. Doctor Polendina rolled out into the open, and for the first time, Jaune was able to get a look at him. And to put it mildly, it was _not _what he was expecting.

"Wait, you're her dad?" he found himself involuntarily asking.

The man's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean by that?"

"Well, it's just..."

He hesitated. There was no really easy way to bring this up without it being weird. Finally, he decided to just bite the bullet and say it, since it wasn't like waiting was going to make things any less awkward.

"...I mean, she doesn't really look like you, does she?"

"What?"

"Well, she's, ah… you know, got a light complexion?"

"Oh, I get what you're saying."

"Yeah, she's-"

"White, and I'm not."

Jaune paused. "...Well, when you put it that way, it sounds kinda weird."

"What's weird about it? It's true."

"You're taking this line of questioning very well."

"Well, it's a valid line of questioning."

At that, Jaune breathed a sigh of relief. Thank the Gods that people on Remnant weren't shallow or dumb enough to discriminate based on skin color, and instead only discriminated based on whether someone had animal ears or something, otherwise this entire series of questions and answers might have been even more awkward than it already was.

"I just want to make things absolutely clear," Jaune said. "You're her dad, right?"

"Yes, I made her myself."

"Yeah, well-" Again, Jaune paused. "...Okay, can you not put it that way?"

"Well, it's-"

"I mean, yeah it's true, but hearing you say it like that makes me feel weird."

"But I _did _make her myself. I built her and everything. Modeled her down to the tiniest hair follicle."

Yeah, he unfortunately figured that out a while ago. The implications still haunted him.

"...Okay, so if you modeled her, why not make her look more like yourself?" Jaune asked.

"What difference does it make?"

"Well, I'm just saying, I thought that parents wanted their children to look like them, and Penny… well, no offense, but she doesn't look anything like you."

Pietro raised an eyebrow. "Why would I want her to look similar to me? If I wanted that, I would have made her a boy."

Again, not only was that creepy, but it was bringing up all kinds of implications that Jaune didn't want to imagine but found himself imagining anyway.

How would male Penny even work, anyway? Would he even be capable of getting an erection, given that the biological process for such required, you know, a heartbeat and blood flow? Would he even be capable of reproduction or would he just be shooting blanks the whole time? Penny was, um, _lubricated, _but somehow it didn't seem like it would be that simple if she was a man.

And now he was back to wondering how his girlfriend even worked in the first place, which was fantastic and didn't hurt his brain at all, no sir. Did her body just naturally produce more lubricant somehow? How did she even feel pleasure from sex in the first place – like, was it even real pleasure, or was it just sensors telling her how to respond? He wasn't dumb enough to claim that their love was artificial, but the sex… well, that was more mechanical than love, and he felt justified in questioning it.

Still, those mental and emotional wounds could wait to be addressed another day, because right now he had to focus on convincing his cute girlfriend's father not to combine him with lunch meat.

"Anyway," Jaune said, shaking himself from his thoughts. "Can we move on, please?"

Thankfully, they both nodded. Forget not being awkward, that entire exchange was like pulling teeth. He was perfectly willing to act like it never happened and just move on, even if that meant placing himself in harm's way once more.

"Right, so," Pietro began, "I think it's clear that I don't approve of you, and I especially don't approve of you sleeping with my daughter."

Penny sighed tiredly, slumping over. Jaune looked at her, frowning. Okay, enough was enough – he was sick of seeing Penny be sad.

Also, now that Pietro was actually out of his robot suit, he was literally just a cripple in a wheelchair. Not exactly the most threatening man to ever walk across Remnant. If worse came to worse, Jaune would just stick Crocea Mors between his spokes, pick up Penny, and take off running to parts unknown, likely somewhere with a large set of stairs to really give Pietro the middle finger.

Anyway, the point was that he was sick of watching Penny's father unintentionally make her upset, and he intended to do something about it. Now was the time to be assertive.

"Let me just stop you there, sir," Jaune said. "Look, I get what you're doing, but you're upsetting Penny."

"Oh, _I'm _upsetting Penny? You _slept _with Penny! I think I have good reason to-"

"I mean, that's a two-way street, you know," Jaune pointed out. "I wouldn't have slept with her if she didn't want to sleep with me. Everything I've done, I've done because she wanted me to, because we love each other."

To his dismay, Pietro shook his head. "Penny is easily coerced, so-"

"Oh, stop!" Penny said. "Father, stop pretending this is about me! It's obvious what the real problem is."

Oh, great, now came the part in every shitty teen romance movie where it turns out the dad is just upset to his little girl grow up, and then he admits it, and then they hug, and then it's all okay. Sure, Jaune was happy that things were going to have a happy ending, but the fact that it was going to be as cliché as this was just groanworthy.

"Just because you think sex is disgusting doesn't mean you can get mad at me for not following in your footsteps!"

...Okay, never mind.

Jaune blinked. "...I'm sorry, what was that? It sounded like she said-"

Penny crossed her arms. "My father is just upset that people have sex. He finds it crass, and thinks it to be beneath him."

Great, this had somehow gone from merely awkward and groan-inducing to outright fucking retarded. Forget an ongoing train wreck – this conversation had officially declined to the point where Jaune was honestly considering drawing Crocea Mors and just fucking stabbing himself; it would have been less painful than sitting through another second of this shit.

Like, really, there were only so many ways to cope with coming face-to-face with an incel. And the only thing worse than an incel was an incel that had somehow managed to defy the laws of nature and reproduce using science.

Pietro sighed. "Penny, we talked about this. Pleasures of the flesh are beneath us."

Wow, that was an outrageous level of cope coming from someone so old. Penny, thankfully, rolled her eyes.

"Father, you are being ridiculous."

"Am I? Why bother pursuing such fleeting joys when there are others to be found in pursuits of the mind?"

"Because it makes me happy, that's-"

"Okay, pause," Jaune said, causing them both to turn to him. He pointed to Pietro. "Okay, just so we're clear: this whole thing is happening not because you're upset with someone sleeping with Penny, but because she was interested in sex in the first place?"

"Of course," came the reply.

"...Then why the fuck did you build her with the, um, necessary parts for it? Why program her with a sex drive?"

"...Well, obviously, she was going to have to pass as a real girl-"

"But you made them functional."

"...I might have had a bit too much to drink when drawing up the blueprints," he admitted.

Penny's jaw dropped. Jaune had to sympathize; it wasn't easy learning that at least part of your creation was because the one who had made you had been completely shitfaced at the time.

Seriously, Saphron _still _wasn't over learning that she was the result of a drunken hookup between his parents. No wonder she was so quick to leave the house.

Still, at least now had the answer as to why Pietro could have possibly designed his own daughter's genitalia and not been tempted to eat a bullet afterwards for being a creepy weirdo – because he didn't _remember _designing it in the first place. Honestly, part of him thought that was intentional, in which case he was probably going to have to reevaluate his opinion of the man.

But that could wait until after they had solved this bullshit.

"Look," Jaune said, "All I'm saying is that I think it's really weird to care this much."

"How so? Penny wasn't supposed to develop a sex drive."

Jaune felt his jaw drop. "Seriously? Dude, think about this for a moment – you literally gave her _all _the tools needed for her to turn into some insane mega-pervert." He raised a hand up, then began to count off on his fingers. "She has unlimited internet access as an innate feature. Her data storage capacity is enormous. Her connections are good enough that she can seed _all _the torrents while simultaneously doing a million other things. She has all of this with very little oversight on your end, and as if that wasn't enough, she's innately curious."

Pietro raised an eyebrow. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that, frankly, you're lucky that she's _only _managed to develop a healthy sex drive instead of getting into some really fucked-up shit," Jaune said. "Seriously, you ought to count your blessings that her tastes are so vanilla; she probably came _this _close to becoming a furry."

As an afterthought, he turned to Penny and said, "Penny, delete all mentions of the word 'furry' from your data banks and put a wordfilter in place automatically changing any future instances of it to 'cat videos'."

Penny blinked in surprise, but nodded. "All instances have been deleted, and the wordfilter has been implemented."

"Thank you." He turned back to Pietro. "There, I just saved her from a lifetime of bad decisions. You're welcome."

"...Do I want to know?" he asked.

"No. No, you do not."

"...That bad, huh? Well, you have my thanks."

Honestly, no thanks were necessary – Jaune was simply happy to save an innocent soul from falling into _that _death spiral. Truly a fate worse than death.

"Anyway," Jaune continued, "I'm just saying that you can't exactly get mad when you're the one responsible for it."  
Pietro looked like he wanted to argue, but was unable to come up with something to put up against the sheer wall of facts Jaune had just bombarded him with.

Jaune huffed, putting his hands on his hips. "Now, did that address the problem?"

"...In a way," Pietro conceded.

"Great. So, we good?"

The scientist hesitated before sighing. "...Alright, fine. I suppose I'll have to admit defeat."

Holy shit, that actually worked. Honestly, Jaune hadn't expected it to go that well – he was still convinced that he was going to catch at least one laser to the dick. The fact that he hadn't was worth its weight in gold.

Oh, as was the fact that he had basically just gotten the all-clear to keep dating Penny. Couldn't forget that.

"Alright, cool," Jaune said. "And for what it's worth, I promise I'll treat her right."

Pietro looked at him like he had grown a second head. "Are you implying that Penny is incapable of defending herself? I assure you, she could take you in a fight no problem."  
Penny groaned, bringing one hand up to rub at her eyes tiredly. "Father, just… please don't start this now."

"...Okay, fine," Pietro said. "I guess I'll just head back to Atlas, then."

Clearly, he was expecting her to feel bad. Unfortunately, as much as she loved him, he _had _just tried to atomize her boyfriend and had also embarrassed the hell out of her, so he wasn't going to get that.

"Bye, Father. See you soon. Have fun with that SKYNET project you were working on."

Cold of her, perhaps, but this wasn't a shitty teenage rom-com. The two of them watched as Pietro gathered up his armored chassis and retreated into his ship, then took off back towards Atlas.

Jaune stared as the ship disappeared into the horizon, then breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, that was fun."  
Indeed, it was. How often do guys get to talk mad shit on their girlfriend's father to his face and not only have it be totally justified, but also have him concede defeat? He had often wondered how an alpha male felt, and now he knew.

Like, seriously. He had a woody right now.

Penny took his hand and began to lead him back to the dorms, and Jaune couldn't keep a big grin from crossing his face.

It was nice for everything to go his way for once.

* * *

**Decided to take things in a different direction for once and actually give Jaune a happy ending with a non-villainous character. It makes me feel kind of dirty, if I'm being honest – a happy ending that doesn't have a stupid setup, in _my _shitpost? Well, I guess there's gotta be at least one to buck the trend. That isn't gonna stop me from taking a shower to cleanse myself of my sins, however.**

**Okay, sarcasm aside, I had a pretty good time with this one. It didn't flow as easily as the Salem chapter, but it was still pretty fun to write – I especially had a good time sneaking in those Dr. Weird references.**

**Aside from that, there's not much about the fic to report. I think I might do a sequel chapter for the next one, though I'll be keeping which girl I'm doing it for a secret for now. Let's just say that I think you'll enjoy it, because it's looking like it's going to be _really _fun, which makes sense given that it's a sequel to one that was _already _really fun to work on.**

**In other news, I am officially one year older as of today, which would be spectacular if I wasn't at that age where all the days kind of just blend together… and if the 'Rona didn't have everything shut down so I could actually buy some nice bourbon. Funnily enough, the liquor stores around here are closed, but the gun stores are still open, meaning I can finally pick up that Beretta 92FS I've been eyeballing and get one step closer to owning a real-life Samurai Edge (I'm a huge Resident Evil fan and it's not even a hard modification to make, so you bet your ass I'm gonna do it).**

**Besides that, I've got nothing else. See you all next time for the first sequel chapter.**

**Next update: Saturday, May 2.**


	13. Shoutout To Coeur

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 12: Cinder Part 2, or: Shoutout to Coeur (For Somehow Making This Pairing Work)

* * *

Life with Cinder had certainly proven to be interesting. It was definitely nothing like what Jaune had been expecting, that was for sure. For one, they lived in a castle. That was nice. For another, the castle was surrounded by Grimm. That was less nice. Thankfully, the Grimm were pretty docile and left them alone for some reason, so it wasn't too much of a concern.

That hadn't stopped him from completely losing his shit the first time he had looked out a window and seen a King Taijitu staring back at him, but at least they had been quick to both explain things to him and bring him a pair of replacement pants.

Besides that, there were also some other people living in the castle… for some reason. None of them were related to Cinder, so why they were living together was a complete mystery. Roommates, maybe? If that was the case, they had certainly picked the craziest piece of real estate in all of Remnant. Jaune wasn't sure how much the security deposit had been, but they definitely weren't ever going to see it again.

The people themselves were weird. Adam, Neo, and Torchwick were nowhere to be found; Jaune had asked his girlfriend what had happened to them and she had just replied with "Taurus is off being edgy somewhere, Neo is off being stabby somewhere, and Roman is off being digested somewhere".

That had answered exactly none of his questions, but he knew better than to expect anything else from his girlfriend.

Anyway, the only people he recognized aside from his girlfriend were Mercury and Emerald, who were the same as always. Besides them, there was a man named Watts, who was both a _huge _dick and also someone who was trying really hard to bring his Doctor Frankenstein fantasy to life, and failing miserably at it.

The mustache was certainly very nice, though. Jaune was jealous. He had been tempted to try and emulate it but unfortunately his facial hair only ever looked like pubes glued to his face, so that wasn't going to happen. Much to his chagrin, his dream of giving his girlfriend a mustache ride was going to have to wait until he was older.

Then there was Hazel, who was probably the most normal guy out of all of them. He was very nice, and always looking out for Jaune. They didn't hang out very much because one time Jaune made the mistake of asking why someone relatively normal like Hazel was hanging out with all these weirdos, and in return had earned a big hour-long speech that went in one ear and out the other, and can best be summed up like this: 'Blah blah blah my sister, blah blah blah Ozpin, blah blah blah my motivations don't make sense and I'm only here to be the token strong guy'.

So much for being relatively normal, then.

As far as the regular everyday jerk-offs went, the only one left was Tyrian, who was _really _fucking weird. He seemed to love violence a little too much, spoke like he had accidentally spilled some bipolar disorder in his schizophrenia, and was generally creepy. He had a nasty tendency to refer to the nearby Grimm as 'beautiful', which Jaune had thought was hyperbole up until he had taken a wrong turn in the castle and walked in on the crazy man attempting to fuck a Beowolf. Fortunately for Jaune's psyche, Grimm don't have genitalia, so that didn't happen.

But aside from his weird fetish, Tyrian wasn't all that bad. If nothing else, he was a pretty reliable training partner – Jaune could feel himself improving every time he sparred against the scorpion Faunus. Aside from the bruises and the fact that it seemed like the only thing keeping Tyrian from actually trying to kill him was Cinder watching over the two of them, he wasn't such a bad guy.

...Well, not counting his nasty tendency to refer to the castle's chief resident as his Queen.

Naturally, that brings us to the final person left in the castle. Salem was the head honcho, the big cheese, the word around the block. She was basically the Big Boss to her castle's MSF – they all did her bidding, and she sat back and told them what to do.

That analogy doesn't make much sense since Big Boss actually did a lot of field work, but shut up. This story needs more Metal Gear references.

Anyway, Salem was probably the weirdest one out of all of them. For some reason, she dressed up like some crazy Grimm person, with pale skin dotted with black veins. Her hair was kept tied back in this hideous bun thing that looked like a spider was holding on to her head, and she only ever wore a bathrobe around. It was actually insane how dedicated she was to the getup – like, she even made sure her eyes resembled that of a Grimm, and that was just _weird. _

Needless to say, it was now clear where Cinder got her chuuni side from.

Yeah, he wasn't sure why he had ever expected anything different. Obviously, Cinder's quirks had to come from somewhere, and it only made sense that the woman in charge of her would have been the source. Still, as much as running into one of them in the hall made Jaune want to scream at them to grow up and stop acting like life was a constant anime convention they were cosplaying at, he knew better – all these people could easily kick his ass if they so desired, and were only stopped from doing so by his lovely girlfriend.

And speaking of his girlfriend…

Jaune was broken out of his thoughts by Cinder rolling over and murmuring something in her sleep. His expression softened when he saw her do so, and he was quick to lean over and give her a soft kiss on the cheek. She stirred slightly, finally cracking open her one good eye to stare at him.

"Jaune?

He grinned softly at her. "Hey, Cin. Time to get up."

"Already?" She pouted. "But I want to stay in bed with you."

"Yeah, well, Salem said she wanted to see you first thing in the morning. So you'd better head over."

Cinder sighed tiredly, but nodded. "Alright."

Throwing the covers off herself, she stood up and walked over to the dresser, giving Jaune an absolutely gorgeous view of her ample rear end.

Sure, she was missing an eye. Sure, she was covered in scars. Sure, one of her arms had been removed and replaced with something that looked suspiciously like a Grimm arm. But you know what? She was still his girlfriend, and he still loved her dearly. And no amount of third-degree burns, empty eye sockets, or uncomfortable handjobs were going to change that.

...Though he had to admit that he could do without the terrible handjobs; they just _rubbed him the wrong way_, you know?

I'll be here all week.

Please clap.

Anyway, Jaune watched for a bit as his girlfriend got dressed before finally throwing the covers off of himself and walking over to join her. He paused long enough to give her a proper good morning kiss, then started getting dressed.

"So, do you know what the plan is for today?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Not sure yet. Salem will tell me."

"Another business trip, you think?"

Cinder hesitated before smiling a smile that he swore almost looked forced. "Y-yes! Yes, a business trip – likely to Atlas this time."

"Really? I'm surprised. I thought that after the disaster that was the trip to Mistral, they would have toned it down a bit."

"Well, you know how it goes – unforeseen circumstances are no reason to stop what we're doing."

Yes, quite unforeseen indeed. Apparently, all of them who had gone had been stopped by a particularly rude group of cops and forced to turn back around upon arrival, as none of them had the right paperwork to be there for the anime convention they were trying to go to ('business trip', his ass). Weird, but whatever. Besides, Mistral as a whole got what it deserved when Lionheart had that heart attack – nobody else was able to properly coordinate Mistral's Huntsmen, so the resulting influx of Grimm had done a number on the local economy.

Oh, and apparently there was some shit about an old hag of a bandit leader and some other shit about a lamp, but frankly Jaune didn't care; his eyes had basically glassed over when Cinder had used the words 'anime convention', and he had pretty much tuned out everything from that point on. It was all white noise to him.

Honestly, these people and their delusions were getting insufferable. If it weren't for the fact that Cinder was so good to him and he loved her so much, he would have been tempted to walk due to how chuuni she was. But as it was now, he was willing to take the good and the bad.

Mainly because the 'good' translated to 'I finally found a smoking hot girl willing to take the full six inches in all of her holes' and the 'bad' translated to 'sometimes she weirds me out with her delusions'. Not a fair trade at all, but since it was unbalanced in his favor, he was willing to take it nonetheless.

_Why do I feel like there's some hidden condition I haven't noticed? _He absentmindedly thought to himself. _Okay, universe, where's the hidden late fees? Man, there really ought to be an in-depth EULA for women or something..._

Cinder finished getting dressed, then leaned over to give him a peck on the lips. "I have to go now."

Jaune nodded. "Alright, Cin. I'll have breakfast ready by the time you get back."

She nodded in understanding, then hurriedly left the room, leaving Jaune alone. He sighed as he watched her go, then finished pulling his chestpiece on and attached his sword to his belt.

_Man, I wish Pyrrha was here to see me now. She'd be so proud of me._

* * *

Cinder's meeting with Salem took about an hour, and true to his word, Jaune had gotten breakfast ready while she was gone. It was nothing special – just eggs, bacon, sausage, and toast. Enough for the both of them.

Until Mercury had stopped by, that is.

"'Sup, Jaune?" he said, munching on a piece of toast.

Jaune sighed exasperatedly. "Please don't steal our food, Mercury."

"C'mon bro, you can always make more."

"Yeah, but it was for Cinder and I. Plus, Salem doesn't like us wasting food."

"Wasting? I have to eat too, you know."

That was true, but so was what Jaune had said. Salem really, _really _didn't like them wasting food since it was so hard to get more out here in… wherever-the-fuck they were (Jaune still hadn't managed to get a name out of anybody). It just begged the question of why they had chosen to set up shop out here – the nearest grocery store was seriously like four hours away. Truly, their bi-monthly grocery runs were the stuff of legend – they basically got the whole store whenever they went. The clerks probably thought they were some very hardcore stoners with a serious case of the munchies at this point.

Honestly, how the castle worked at all was a complete mystery. They somehow had internet and cable despite being miles and miles away from any CCT tower. They somehow had plumbing and running water even though Jaune had yet to see a single set of pipes in the entire castle. Hell, they even had HVAC, and Jaune _definitely _hadn't seen an air conditioner or boiler in the castle's basement (the only things down there were Salem's wine cellar and what looked like a BDSM chamber; needless to say he had gone down there all of one time and had never done so again).

Mercury snapped him out of his thoughts by reaching for a piece of bacon. "So, what's on the agenda for you today?"

Jaune slapped his hand away, then shrugged. "Not sure. I'll probably just work out, then train with Hazel. How about you?"

"The usual – read some comics, train a little, maybe knock off a few Grimm for fun. Oh, and make the janitors on my Mistralian anime forum cry, then dodge whatever ban they give me by resetting my IP."

Ah yes, how could he have forgotten to mention that Mercury was a hardcore shitposter in his free time? Honestly, it suited him – he had the personality of a thirteen-year-old kid and got a laugh out of ruining other peoples' fun. And while he had made a big deal out of assuring Jaune that it was an anime forum, the blonde was reasonably certain that anime would be the very last thing Mercury posted.

Jaune would have felt sympathetic for the janitors if they were people who deserved sympathy, but anyone dumb enough to do it for free on an online forum deserved to pay the idiot tax of having to deal with Mercury's constant shitposting.

Shoutout to the FFN mods, by the way – your job may be utterly thankless and you may be absolutely despised by most of the community, but at least you have fun doing it, even if you don't do a good job at it and basically have to rely on a community of resident bootlickers to do it for you (for free, of course). You know who you are.

"Oh, and I might mess with Em a bit," Mercury said as an afterthought.

Ah yes, Emerald. At first, Jaune had been convinced that her and Mercury were an item. It only made sense, what with how often they messed with each other, and how they always seemed to travel in a group. However, upon actually living with them, it had become clear that no, they weren't just messing with each other, they just straight-up didn't like each other.

Plus, as it turned out, Emerald had the hots for Cinder and Cinder only. That was definitely weird as hell since Cinder was basically her mother figure, which was _even weirder, _because from what Jaune could tell Cinder literally found her in a dirty alley somewhere and took her in out of the kindness of her heart, and the two weren't that far apart in age – Cinder was only in her mid-twenties. How she could be anyone's mother figure was beyond him. Then again, maybe Emerald was just _really _into being mommy-dommed.

In any case, it wasn't going to happen, because Cinder was with Jaune. Also, because Cinder didn't seem to notice Emerald's crush on her, not because Cinder didn't care about her (obviously she cared; anything else would make her a sociopath, and that just clearly wasn't true), but because Cinder was just oblivious. Frankly, Jaune counted his lucky stars every day that they had matched on that dating app, because otherwise Cinder would have been single forever.

Also, his dick would have remained un-sucked, but that was neither here nor there.

Anyway, he was currently having to watch his back a bit, because Emerald had decided to try and eliminate the competition. He had anticipated this, but true to his expectations, he had nothing to fear from her – she was, after all, unflinchingly loyal to Cinder and utterly unwilling to risk making her upset, which naturally interfered with her attempts to murderize him. She just wasn't committed to it, basically.

A true failure in the ways of love, if ever there was one. Jaune took a bit too much joy in making Cinder scream his name at night knowing that Emerald's room was right next to theirs, but she fucking deserved it for trying to kill him, the bitch.

The door to the kitchen suddenly opened, and Cinder stepped in, looking haggard. Mercury took one look at her before deciding that he was better off being anywhere else, and promptly high-tailed it out of there. Cinder marched over to a nearby table and sank down into it, bringing one hand up to rub at her eyes tiredly.

Jaune was at her side in an instant. "Babe? Everything okay?"

Cinder gave him a grateful look. "Yes, everything is fine. I'm just… not particularly enthused with what Salem wants me to do."

"What is it this time? Does she want you to go get her some voice actor's autograph again?"

Cinder shook her head, and Jaune breathed a sigh of relief. Last time she had apparently asked for a complete set of the entire cast of _Halfmetal Sorcerer, _and Cinder had been gone for weeks.

"No, she just… wants me to head to Atlas for a while."

Jaune furrowed his brow. "Well, just as long as the cops there aren't as bad as the ones in Mistral."

The cops in Mistral were certainly something else – apparently, they had frozen Cinder with Ice Dust before throwing her off a cliff, forcing her to thaw herself out and walk home. She had even been forced to get a new outfit, her old one having been completely destroyed in the process. Jaune had been _livid _when he had heard about it, but the others had convinced him to reluctantly refrain from going on the warpath.

"Oh, nothing like that," Cinder replied, shaking her head. "No, I'll just be gone for a while. A few weeks, maybe a few months if things take too long."

"Oh..." Jaune said, disappointed. "What could be so important that you have to be gone for that long?"

"Well, I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you," she said. Jokingly, of course; she was funny like that.

Jaune chuckled, then leaned in for a kiss. "Alright, keep your secrets." That was fine; he wasn't exactly worried about her having a man on the side, after all. Not only had he run away with her, but he somehow doubted there were many men out there willing to look past the fact that half her body looked like leathery, burnt bacon.

Their lips met, and while Jaune intended for it to just be a quick kiss, he was surprised when Cinder put a hand on the back of his head and held him there, deepening the kiss. His eyes popped open, and he met Cinder's mischievous gaze.

"I leave tonight," she said. "So let's make it a day to remember."

He knew better than to argue.

After all, the last thing he wanted was for her to try and relieve some stress.

* * *

Jaune sighed forlornly as he marched through the halls of the castle. It had only been a few days since Cinder had left for her task in Atlas, and he was already missing her. She hadn't brought Mercury or Emerald with her, but that wasn't much consolation – Emerald, of course, hated him; Mercury, meanwhile, was only fit to hang around with in small doses, mainly because he was kind of an enormous dick.

But the joke was on him, because at least Jaune still had his legs and semblance.

_Suck it, you crippled fuck._

Jaune rounded a corner and quickly found himself forced to dodge a strike from a scorpion's tail. Rolling to the side, he came to a stop, pulling his sword free of its sheath in the same motion.

"Tyrian," Jaune greeted, trying to sound as courteous as possible – it wouldn't do to piss off the Grimm fucker, after all.

"Ah! The Arc child grows stronger by the day!" Tyrian said cheerfully.

"What do you want? I'm kind of busy."

"Busy with what? Missing your girlfriend?"

Jaune bit his tongue to keep from saying that at least the girl he was interested in liked him back; that would have been signing his own death warrant.

Instead, he said something even dumber.

"You ought to be careful, Tyrian. You never know who might go to Salem and tell her about that body pillow in your closet."

The scorpion Faunus' jaw dropped. "Wha- how did you know about that?!"

"I didn't until just now."

He had always suspected it, though. Chuuni weebs and body pillows went together like peanut butter and chocolate… or, to be a bit more topical, anime fans and federal watch lists.

"How'd you get that, anyway?" he asked. "Should I just assume that Watts is still willing to do anything for a container of high-quality mustache wax?"

Tyrian's face flushed red as he grit his teeth. "Tell no one!"

"Okay, I won't. But you have to stop trying to kill me."

"Fine, fine! Now, promise you will stay silent!"

Jaune huffed, rolling his eyes. "Alright, fine. Now, what do you want?"

Tyrian rose to his full height, reluctantly lowering his tail. "The Queen wants to see you."

Oh, great. Just when he thought his day couldn't get any worse, he had to deal with Queen Chuuni herself.

_Let's take bets, Jaune – how much time is she going to spend bitching about her ex today? Smart money's on about fifteen minutes, but I guess we'll see what kind of mood she's in._

Honestly, at this point she just needed to get the fuck over it. According to her, it had been an eternity (hyperbolic, he was sure); the fact that she was still hung up on whoever the fuck he was, was just ridiculous. She had vented to Jaune about how she just wanted to let the world burn in order to spite him, and Jaune had sort of just rolled his eyes and went with it (his mind told him that that was the smart move, no matter how much his heart kept screaming at him to just tell her 'okay, boomer').

How old was Salem, anyway? She dressed like she was from the fucking renaissance, yet she didn't look a day over forty. Honestly, if it wasn't for her stupid Grimm costume, poor hairstyle, and shitty choice in fashion, she would have been a total MILF.

He wasn't gonna lie – with his girlfriend absent, he had no choice but to let his mind wander at night, and as much as he tried to prevent it, it had started to find its way to Cinder and Salem at the same time. The idea was certainly tempting, but it was one of those things he would sooner take to his grave than even try to whisper aloud – if Cinder heard it she would almost certainly feel compelled to relieve some stress, and if Salem heard it, she would probably… well, he wasn't quite sure what Salem was actually capable of since he had never seen her actually get in a fight, but it was probably something suitably ridiculous, and the last thing he wanted to be remembered for was dying to some hardcore weeb chuuni who teleported behind him and unsheathed her katana or whatever.

Pushing those thoughts from his mind, Jaune nodded. "Right. I'll head over right away."

Truthfully, he was dreading this. It was going to end up being the same as always – Salem would ask him how his training was, then how Cinder was, then if anyone was spreading unseemly rumors about her, then ask where her missing underwear had gone (Jaune knew who his primary suspect was but he would never say so aloud), then finally she would ask about his friends for some reason.

Why she was interested in them, he had no idea. Frankly, the last thing he wanted was for her to meet them – they would surely all think he was some kind of weirdo for hanging around with these people. They had already told him back at Beacon that his relationship with Cinder was strange, but they didn't know just _how _strange (well, Weiss certainly had an idea, but she still didn't really know).

After a few minutes, Jaune found himself standing in front of Salem's throne room. Taking a breath to steel himself for whatever fresh hell she had in store for him, he pushed his way inside, stepping midway through the room in front of her throne.

"Jaune Arc," she greeted.

"You wanted to see me?" he asked.

"Indeed, I did. I wished to speak with you regarding a few areas of interest."

_Oh, here we go._

He nodded in understanding. "Ask away."

"As you know, our operation in Mistral was a failure," she said.

"Yes, I heard. A shame – it seemed like it would be successful, from what I heard of the plan. But then again, I guess no plan survives contact with the enemy."

"It would seem that way. I understand that you were a team leader when you were still at Beacon?"

Again, he nodded. "I was."

"Then perhaps you could be of assistance to me," she mused.

_Well, this is new, _he thought to himself. _Wonder what she wants this time? A bunch of doujins, maybe?_

Needless to say, this was the last thing he wanted to do. Unfortunately, he didn't really have a choice – Cinder had already instructed him that he ought to do whatever Salem asked him to do, lest she try to kill him. Hyperbolic of her, no doubt, but Jaune didn't need to be told twice; while he doubted that Salem would _actually _try to kill him, she was still the head of the castle and was letting him stay free of charge, so the least he could do was hold his nose and play along.

"Alright, tell me what you need," he offered.

"Just your opinion on something," she said.

That earned an eyebrow raise. "Forgive me if I'm being a bit presumptive in pointing this out, but you could go to anyone in the castle and ask for their opinion. Why me?"

"Because you're different from them. The others fear me, and you don't."

That was true – the others (minus Tyrian) seemed to be afraid of Salem. It wasn't always plainly obvious, but it was always there, visible in things as small as them tensing up whenever she got too close to them and as large as them suddenly leaving the room when they heard Salem was going to be coming by.

Frankly, Jaune didn't see the problem. Sure, the woman was weird – dressing like a stereotypical goth girl into her forties was certainly anything but normal – but she wasn't _that _weird. Hell, she _still _wasn't as weird as Tyrian was, but then again that might just have been because Jaune had yet to walk in on her trying to assfuck a Beowolf.

Of course, Salem had her own problems to deal with that were completely unique from everyone else, many of which had to do with her being an edgy goth even though she was middle-aged. The worst was whenever she tried to give a big speech of some kind – sure, that stuff was probably important, but eventually it all started to blend into itself.

Like, there were only so many ways she could describe burning the world because her ex dumped her before it turned to mush in Jaune's mind and eventually just molded into 'Black, black, black, black, number one' repeated over and over again until she stopped talking.

"Also," Salem continued, "None of them have the same tactical acumen you have, as leader of a team in Beacon."

"...I was only a first-year," he pointed out.

"Still, I would appreciate your insight."

Jaune just shrugged. As far as he was concerned, he was the last person to ask for when it came to planning an operation, but it wasn't like it would hurt anything.

"Alright, then. Hit me."

"Tell me: if you were to try and get onto an airborne target, how would you best do it?"

"...What, you mean like a Nevermore?"

"More like an airship. A really big airship."

Weird question, but okay. Jaune thought for a bit. "...Well, my friend Ruby would probably suggest doing something similar to what she did during initiation, which was using her friend Weiss' semblance along with her own to launch themselves up onto the target."

"And what are these semblances?"

"Well, Ruby's lets her turn into a cloud of rose petals and run really fast."

"I see," Salem said. For the first time, Jaune noticed that she was actually taking notes. "And what about these petals? Are they separate from her? If they are damaged, is she hurt?"

...Okay, these questions were just getting weirder. Tentatively, Jaune shook his head. "I don't know, I never really asked. Why do you need to know?"

"Any bit of information can help with planning. Speaking of, what about the other girl's?"

"Who, Weiss? Well, she's a Schnee, so she gets their glyphs. I can't really describe them other than saying that they're magical bullshit that let her do whatever the hell she wants."

Salem seemed surprised at that. "Magic, you say? And you're sure they were a semblance?"

Okay, he got that goths liked the supernatural and occult, but this was getting ridiculous. Seriously, magic? What next, was one of his friends going to turn out to have magical Grimm-melting eye lasers or something? He hoped not; that would just be stupid.

Ignoring that, Jaune focused on answering her questions. "I'm sure; the Schnee family semblance is hereditary. They all have it, except her asshole of a dad."

"I see," Salem noted. "Now, about my first question-"

"What, attacking the target?" He shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know. If it's a suitably big ship, the best bet would probably be to steal a Bullhead and get on there that way. Or, if I was specifically attacking it, go for a distraction with a large group, then attack an unprotected flank."

"And if you were anticipating heavy resistance? Like, say, they knew you were coming?"

"Well, I'd probably do the same thing. It depends on what kind of manpower-"

"As much as you need."

"Then yeah, the same thing. Start off with waves of weaker forces to draw their fire and make them waste ammo, then while they're distracted, either covertly insert a few key units to wreak havoc behind the lines or mass them all for a big assault." He shrugged. "You know, basic RTS stuff."

"RTS?"

"Real time strategy. You know, gaming."

"...Right," she said tentatively.

Seriously? He knew she was a boomer, but come on, she didn't even know what video games were? No wonder she constantly looked so bored. Maybe he ought to get her some anime games – really kill two birds with one stone.

And hey, maybe he'd get lucky and accidentally end up giving her a husbando. Then she could focus on her virtual love instead of the very real man who dumped her. Weird, sure, but if watching a virtual anime girl take her clothes off was enough for thousands of male weebs to stay locked in their room and forgo all social contact, then he was sure that it would be fine for Salem. She barely left the castle as-is; it wasn't like he would be making things much worse.

"Mind if I ask what this is about?" Jaune questioned.

Salem waved him off. "Merely a hypothetical thinking exercise. Nothing to worry about."

And here he was thinking she was about to try knocking over another anime convention like in Mistral. Thankfully, that didn't seem to be the case.

Overall, this had been a complete waste of time. There was absolutely nothing of value to be found in this conversation, and Jaune regretted every second spent being locked in it. At the same time, it was far from the most unbearable one he had ever gotten into with Salem, so it at least had that going for it.

Plus, at the very least, it was still somewhat normal. Nobody had tried to bang a Grimm, for one.

_At least nothing crazy happened._

As if on cue, the doors to the throne room swung open, prompting both of them to look over in surprise. Jaune's jaw just about dropped at what he found.

"Cinder?!"

She was dressed in a completely new outfit, fancy eyepatch included, and seemed to be completely out of breath, but it was undeniably his girlfriend. She stood there, panting and trying to catch her breath, giving Jaune a great view of the weight slung over her shoulder.

A weight that looked suspiciously like his friend Ruby.

Cinder looked at him with her one good eye, frozen. Slowly, her gaze traveled over to the struggling, Ruby-shaped weight on her shoulder, and she grinned sheepishly.  
"Um, this isn't what it looks like?"

Jaune only response was to facepalm. Honestly, this girl… she was lucky he loved her so much, because she was such a handful.

"Cin, I get that you wanted to bring my friend here to surprise me, but was this really necessary?"

"Y-yes!" Cinder replied, a bit too enthusiastically. "Yes, that's exactly right! I wanted to surprise you! Are you surprised?"

"...Yeah? I mean, how could I not be?"

"Great! Now, if you could just leave the room for a few minutes-"

Jaune frowned. "Why would I do that? Ruby just got here."

Behind him, Salem exhaled tiredly. "Just...bring the girl here, Cinder."

Cinder winced, but did as she was told, stepping up next to Jaune before dumping Ruby on the ground. The redhead hit the floor with a muffled breath – muffled because, for some reason, Cinder had seen fit to bind, gag, and blindfold her.

Seeing it, Jaune raised an eyebrow. "Uh, Cin? Why is Ruby tied up?"

Again, Cinder froze. "Um… she's a very kinky girl?"

Jaune's face flushed red. That wasn't the answer he had expected, but it made sense – Ruby was so innocent that he had always been convinced that she had secretly been a huge pervert. Still, having it confirmed was more than a little unsettling.

Salem tapped a finger against her throne impatiently. "Cinder, if you would?"

Cinder sighed. "...Just the gag, then?"

"Please. The last thing I need is to be turned to stone."

Before Jaune could ask what she was talking about, Cinder bent down and roughly pulled the tape off of Ruby's mouth, earning a yelp of pain from the girl. She looked over towards where Cinder had been standing, doing her best to glare through her blindfold.

"Jaune, you have to help me!" she cried. "They captured me and brought me here!"

"Captured you?" he questioned.

"Yeah! They came to Atlas and dragged me here!"

"So… you're saying that Cinder kidnapped you against your will, then brought you here for some nefarious purpose!"

"Yes! She's pure evil, Jaune! Her and Salem!"

Cinder opened her mouth to reply, but she didn't get the chance to do so before Jaune cut her off.

"Evil?" he questioned. Slowly, he shook his head. "Ruby, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

The redhead's jaw dropped. "What?! Jaune, she killed Pyrrha!"

Next to him, his girlfriend started to sweat. Jaune gave her a sympathetic look, apologizing for the sheer embarrassment Ruby was causing with her baseless accusations. He exhaled, then gave Ruby a disappointed look.

"Look, Crater Face, I don't know what kind of game you're playing, but this isn't funny," he said. "You're embarrassing Cinder."

"Embarrassing?!" Ruby shouted, struggling against her bonds. "Jaune, you have to believe me! She's pure evil!"

See, that just wasn't true – someone who was pure evil could never make love as passionately as Cinder did. It just wasn't possible. Nothing that good could ever be bad.

He opened his mouth to tell her to stop messing around, only for the throne room doors to come flying open once more. To his surprise, it was the rest of his friends.

"Guys?" he asked.

"Jaune-Jaune?!" Nora exclaimed, confused. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing. Did Cinder bring you here to surprise me, too?"

They all exchanged a glance. "...The hell are you talking about?" Yang asked. "We're here because Cinder kidnapped Ruby, and we want her back."

Behind him, Salem glared at Cinder. "You didn't mention you were followed."

Cinder averted her gaze. "...I didn't get the chance to explain."

Jaune gave her a sympathetic glance before looking back at his friends, disappointed. "Look guys, I get it – you're all very committed to this whole 'Cinder is evil' prank, but isn't this going too far?"

"What are you talking about?!" Weiss exclaimed. "Jaune, she really _is _evil! She attacked Atlas and kidnapped Ruby!"

"Oh, don't talk to me about evil, Weiss. The only thing here that's evil is that braid."

The heiress bristled. "Don't make fun of my braid!"

"Weiss, it looks like you have a giant tapeworm growing out of the side of your head. How do you even walk around without tripping on that thing?"

Blake stepped forward. "Look, can we make fun of Weiss later? Right now, we just want to get Ruby and go."

"Please!" Ruby said, still doing her best to break through her bonds.

Behind him, Salem scowled. "Everybody shut up," she demanded.

They all did as she told, quieting as she rose from her throne and descended the stairs to stand next to Jaune and Cinder. She gazed down at Ruby, her frown intensifying.

"Where is he?"

"Y-you mean Ozpin?" Ruby asked. "I'll never tell-"

"Uh, actually, I'm right here," came a voice from the back of the group that was decidedly _not _Ozpin.

Ruby's jaw dropped. "Oscar, no! That was your cue to stay quiet."

"...Oops."

With a flick of her wrist, Salem parted the crowd in front of the… kid? Jaune scowled. Seriously, what the fuck was going on here?

Salem took one step towards the kid, who swallowed nervously.

"Finally," she said. "After all these years, I have you right where I want you. And now is my chance to kill-"

"Okay, time out!" Jaune cried out, causing everyone to pause.

Salem immediately whirled around, an irritated look on her face. "What is it now, child?"

"...I'm very confused," he said. "Why is everyone here? Why are they all so dedicated to this terrible joke? What the hell is going on?"

"Jaune, don't tell me you believe whatever lies they're feeding you!" Nora protested.

"I don't know what to believe, okay?! One second I'm waiting for my girlfriend to come back, then the next she's back with Ruby along with her, and Ruby is apparently super kinky for some reason, and the rest of you are here, and now there's some weird kid calling himself Ozpin, and stop the world I want to get off!"

They all blinked in surprise as he finished his rant. Catching his breath and composing himself, he looked over to Cinder, and in a calm voice, said, "Babe, please explain what's going on before I lose my mind."

"R-right," she said, nodding. "You see, um… I was going to bring Ruby back so she and Salem could… uh… watch anime together!"

Salem cocked an eyebrow. "Annie-May?"

"Anime!" Cinder replied.

"I do not know anyone by the name of Annie-May, Cinder, nor do I know why I would be interested in watching her, with or without others present."

"D-don't be silly, Salem!" the one-eyed woman said, starting to sweat. "We all know how much you love seinen!"

"...What was that about semen?"

Yang stepped forward. "Oh, nice try, lady. Like Jaune would ever fall for-"

Slowly, Jaune nodded. "That makes sense, I guess."

Yang's jaw dropped. "WHAT?!"

"Well, I mean, it makes sense." Jaune shrugged. "After all, everyone here is a huge weeaboo chuuni cringelord, Salem most of all."

"...I do not know what any of those words mean," Salem admitted, "but I do not like the sound of a single one of them."

Jaune ignored her. "Anyway, it's obvious what's going on – Cinder went to Atlas in order to get Ruby so the two of them and Salem could have an anime-watching party together. The rest of you decided that you didn't want to be alone at the Atlas anime convention, so you all decided to tag along."

"...What the fuck drugs are you on, dude?" Nora asked. "Jaune, take a look at Cinder, really take a look. Doesn't her appearance just scream 'supervillain'?"

The blonde frowned. "That's very rude, Nora."

"Jaune, she has a Grimm arm!" Yang shouted.

"And you have a robot arm, but nobody's making fun of _your _disability." Jaune sidled up to his girlfriend, looping an arm around her. "Babe, I'm sorry my friends are being so rude to you."

"It's… quite alright," she replied, disbelievingly.

For some reason, she seemed very confused about something. He had no idea what that could possibly be about, though.

"Oh, enough of this!" Ruby shouted. "Someone just get over here and take this blindfold off so I can use my Eyes on Salem!"

Jaune instantly froze. "Your… eyes?"

"Yes, my Eyes! I'm going to turn Salem to stone with them!"

"So… you're saying that your eyes have this magic ability that nobody else's does, one that came out of nowhere, is ridiculously overpowered, makes you a super special snowflake of a character, and was very poorly foreshadowed?"

"Yes! Now, if you don't mind-"

"Ah, I see what's going on now," Jaune said, nodding.

"Great! Now, if you could just-"

"You're all chuunis, too."

Everyone instantly paused. You could hear a pin drop, that was how silent it was. Finally, Ren cleared his throat.

"Jaune," he began, "care to explain?"

"Well, it's simple," Jaune replied. "I already know that everyone who lives in this castle is super into anime."

"Seriously, who is this Annie-May?" Salem asked.

Jaune waved her off. "Oh hush, you weird goth; let me answer." For some reason, Cinder looked mortified, and the kid calling himself Ozpin looked super smug. "And as for the rest of you… well, I have to admit that I didn't think you were all degenerate weebs, but I guess I can see it now."

"Slow down, there," Qrow said. "If you think for even a moment that I watch that perverted Mistralian crap-"

"Okay, lemme just stop you there," Jaune interrupted. "See, I'm no anime fan, but even I have a few that I like, and I have to admit that not _all _of it is perverted. I'll admit to liking a few old-school ones – you know, the classic manime lineup, but-"

"Shut up," Weiss said. "Just… please, stop talking."

"But why?" Jaune asked. "Can't handle the truth?"

"Can't handle the stupidity, more like."

"Yeah, I know – the truth _is _pretty stupid. But you're the ones who like anime, so..."

"Okay, I still don't get it," Blake chimed in. "Where are you getting this from? It can't just be from the lies Cinder is telling you."

"First off: My girlfriend doesn't lie to me, especially not about something as big as actually being evil. Second off: just look at yourselves. You're all dressed like a bunch of cosplayers, for one. You look terrible. The only one who looks halfway decent is Ren, and even then he still looks like he's some shounen ninja protagonist. The rest of you just look ridiculous, like you're in a contest to see who can wear the dumbest outfit."

"What's wrong with our outfits?" Nora asked.

"Well, aside from Ren and maybe Qrow, you all just look terrible. Nora, you look like one of those yogurt packs kids eat – the ones with the rabbit on them? Yeah, you look like that. I keep expecting that if I bite into you I'll get a variety of overly-sugary, artificial fruit flavors.

"Weiss looks like she's cosplaying someone from the Great War, but also trying to make it sexy, but also stupid with her dumb braid. I'm torn between calling you Mein Fuhrer and calling you Mistress, because again, like everyone else, you've gone for the sexy cosplay act. I appreciate the gloves and thigh-highs, but you're really laying it on thick, especially since you don't have the, you know, _assets _to really pull it off. Sorry, not sorry.

"Blake is putting the 'cat' in 'catsuit', and also looking stupid as hell, and don't act like you're not aware just how much that outfit highlights your ass – it's skintight, we can see _everything. _Also, having that many unnecessary zippers on it makes you look like you're from a shitty Mistralian role-playing game. I keep expecting you to try and use a spell that will lock us all into a two-minute cutscene and drain all your MP."

Everyone mentioned looked down at their outfits, suddenly looking very uncomfortable with themselves. Jaune was unperturbed, instead continuing on to the rest.

"Yang, you look like you were torn between dressing as the token anime pilot character and the token anime mechanic character. You look awful – what happened to your sexy outfit from Beacon? I can't even see your nipples through your clothes anymore, and that's just criminal. At least you have Leon's jacket, though – _Biohazard 4 _was pretty sick, so props for that.

"Ruby, meanwhile… well, I don't have much to say, aside from the fact that Cinder was definitely right when she said that you're incredibly kinky. Definitely living up to your reputation as a degenerate weeb. And then there's that whole situation with you claiming to have magical eye powers, which… come on, I get that you're a chuuni, but did you really have to go _that _hard?" He shook his head. "It's just sad. You're all adults – start acting like it."

Everyone stared at him, stunned. Finally, Cinder cleared her throat.

"Jaune," she began, "My love. The light of my life. The man I've chosen to secure a future with me. I must say, I always knew you were astute, but I didn't think you were _that _astute."

Jaune felt his face flush red. "C-Cin, you're making me blush..."

'Great." She took his hand, giving him a sultry look. "What's say we retire to my chambers and let Salem and the rest have that anime-watching party I definitely brought them here for?"

"...Are you sure? I figured that you'd want to join them after all you went through to bring them here."

"Oh, Jaune, you know that I wouldn't trade my time with you for anything. Now, let's go; I'm very pent-up after the past few days."

Jaune didn't need to be told twice. He allowed her to lead him out of the room, all while his friends loudly protested his decision. He ignored them; obviously, they were just upset at being roasted so thoroughly. He understood, but that didn't excuse how they kept yelling that Cinder was evil, and that Salem was actually the Queen of the Grimm.

Honestly, these people… they were ridiculous if they thought he was going to play along with their delusions. The mere thought of his lovely girlfriend being evil was just six different kinds of stupid. How could anyone see Cinder – the girl who constantly proclaimed her love for him, who spent as much time as possible with him, and who was never anything but sweet to him – as evil? It defied all rational belief.

The two eventually found their room, and Cinder was quick to shove him through the door before slamming it shut behind them and locking it. He turned around, but didn't get a chance to saw anything before her lips crashed against his.

After a few seconds, she pulled away. He stood there, gasping for breath.

"Wow..." he muttered.

Cinder simply smirked, looping her arms around his neck. "Make love to me, Jaune," she begged.

He was on the verge of saying yes, only to pause when an explosion rocked the castle. "...What was that?"

She waved it off. "I'm sure it was nothing."

"Are you positive? It sounded like it was coming from the throne room-"

Before he could say anything further, she stuck her hand down his pants, causing him to suck in a breath. She gave him a mischievous smirk.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"N-nothing..." he said, biting back a moan when he felt Cinder gently run a finger along the underside of his length. "Oh, Gods…"

She took that as her cue to pull him into another kiss, one that lasted for another few seconds and another couple of explosions. Gently, she began to coax him over to the bed, lowering him down onto it and standing over top of him.

"Pants off, now," she ordered.

Jaune blinked, surprised. He couldn't help but chuckle. "You're certainly frisky today."

"I _need _you, Jaune," she all but begged. "Please."

"Hey, I don't need you to spell it out. You know I love you."

"I love you too, my knight."

The two were quick to begin what would turn out to be a very passionate round of lovemaking, one that continued on into the wee hours of the night. It was marred only by the frequent explosions that shook the castle to its foundation, though thankfully these eventually become less and less frequent before finally stopping altogether. Jaune would ask about them the next morning, only to be told that it was nothing to worry about; just a gas leak, most likely.

Odd, because he was pretty sure that gas leaks didn't explode multiple times. Also, the castle didn't have a radiator or anything like that, so he wasn't sure how there was even any gas to leak, but whatever.

Besides that, he had also inquired about all his friends with Cinder, only to be told that Salem had reported they had all had a great time watching anime together, and that all of them had gone back to civilization. Also, she had implored him to never go into the basement again, but that was one warning he didn't need to hear – after seeing Salem's fucked-up BDSM chamber down there, he wanted nothing more than to stay permanently above ground.

Besides that, life went on. Jaune continued to live in the castle with his lovely girlfriend, and did his best to ignore all the weirdos who surrounded him. That was easier said than done, but he was glad to do it for Cinder. Their lives together continued on, both of them serving as the other's better half, their relationship staying a happy one for years to come.

It was a shame that all his friends were too busy to come visit, though. At least, that was what Cinder had reported – that they were all busy living lives as professional Huntsmen and Huntresses, so busy that they couldn't ever come visit ever again. That was disappointing, but he could live with it – after how they had spoken of Cinder, he was probably better off without toxic people like them in his life.

Jaune pondered all this and more as he lay awake at night, staring up at the ceiling. Next to him, Cinder slept peacefully, occasionally murmuring something in her sleep before nestling closer into his side. His expression softened, and he leaned in to give her a soft kiss on the forehead before closing his eyes and trying to fall asleep.

_Evil Cinder… man, that's _still _ridiculous. Where did they come up with that, anyway?_

Just as unconsciousness began to creep up on him, he could have sworn that he heard a noise emanate from deep from the bowels of the castle, one that sounded suspiciously like an anguished scream…

_Damn creaky pipes, _he thought to himself.

Sure, that made no sense, since the castle had no pipes in the first place. But it was the only real explanation, because the only alternative was that his friends hadn't gone back to Vale, that they were actually locked in the basement, which was actually a torture chamber rather than a BDSM chamber, and that Salem and Cinder were actually evil all along.

But that was crazy, so instead he blamed it on the pipes and his overactive imagination.

After all, Cinder was so sweet. No way she could have ever actually killed someone. No, the worst thing about her was that she was a chuuni.

But she was _his _chuuni, and nothing would ever change that._  
_

* * *

**Well, that got really out of hand.**

**So there's the first sequel chapter. I think this is going to end up being the point where the stuff with Cinder ends – I don't really want to drag out characters for too long, and this seems like a good point to stop for her. I've pretty much said my piece with everything related to Cinder.**

**I think it will probably also be a while before I do another sequel chapter. I have a few other characters I want to tackle, both regular and R63, so sequels will have to wait.**

**In other news, I have now decided that I am declaring jihad on chapter 2, because it sucks major ballsack. It will be revisited and fixed, inshallah. Currently it's the only chapter I plan to straight-up revisit, because while some of the other chapters may have highs and lows, for the most part I'm pretty satisfied with them – personally, chapter 2 is the only one I can point to and say, "Yeah, that didn't work at all". So expect a new Ruby chapter at some point, probably one going by the name of "The Ruby Chapter You Actually Wanted" or something. The original chapter 2 will stay up for posterity's sake, but don't expect a sequel to it or anything.**

**Besides that, I've got nothing else. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go listen to the new Havok album again, because it's an absolute _banger, _holy shit. It's like _'__Rust In Peace' _and _'...And Justice For All' _had filthy unprotected sex and one of them gave birth to _'V'. _Havok isn't my favorite thrash band (ain't nothing gonna ever top Coroner), but they're up there.**

**Next update: Saturday, May 16.**


	14. No Such Thing as Too Tsun

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 13: Caroline (Cardin R63), or: No Such Thing As Too Tsun

* * *

Combat Class had just ended, and that of course left one Jaune Arc with mixed feelings. On the one hand, it was now Friday, and with his final class of the day now out of the way, his weekend could begin in earnest. That meant a whole two nights and one day of doing nothing but hanging out with friends, playing video games, eating unhealthy food, and not worrying about school before the inevitable Sunday panic kicked in and he proceeded to shit his pants over procrastinating for the whole weekend when he could have been doing his homework or studying for that big test next week.

Good times all around, essentially.

But on the other hand, the end of Combat Class meant that his least favorite part of the day was about to happen.

"Hey, what's the holdup, Jauney-boy?"

Right about now, in fact. Jaune simply paused where he stood, sighing tiredly before turning around.

"Caroline," he greeted.

Caroline Winchester. First-year just like him, but otherwise his complete opposite – for one, she was _huge, _both in terms of size and muscle mass. Seriously, she towered over him by several inches, and had a phsyique that rivaled Yang's – muscular for a woman, but still very sleek, akin to an elite athlete rather than a powerlifter or bodybuilder. Even despite that, she still managed to out-muscle him.

_Curse me for not taking up lifting when I first hit puberty._

Aside from that, she was his opposite in other ways, too. Where Jaune's family was anything but well-off, Caroline's was quite renowned around Remnant; where he used a sword and shield paired with light armor, she carried a heavy mace with armor to match. Where he was unskilled, she… wasn't great, but she was still better than him.

And then there was the _second _most important comparison – where he considered himself pretty average-looking, Caroline Winchester was _smoking_. Long, burnt-orange hair that flowed down the small of her back, which paired amazingly with her captivating indigo eyes. Her legs seemed to go on for _miles, _and her thighs were perfectly thick, yet still boasted a small gap between them. Finally, there was her chest, which was _perfect. _He wasn't ashamed to say that he had stolen a glance, both at her breasts and under her skirt, those few times she had dunked him head-first in a nearby trashcan.

Yeah, he wasn't afraid to admit it – he thought his school bully was really hot. How could he not? She was basically everything he had imagined the perfect girl would be, and even though she seemed to delight in tormenting people, and him in particular, he couldn't help but be attracted to her. She was just pushing all of his buttons.

That, of course, leads us back to the _first _most important comparison between them.

From his position pinned against the locker, Jaune gazed at his bully blankly. She bit her lip nervously, her legs starting to shake. Next to her, Sky frowned.

"What's the holdup, Caroline? Do something already!"

"O-of course!" she stammered out. She gave Jaune a confused glance, as if she wasn't sure what she wanted to do, and he just sighed.

"Just hurry up and put me in the damn locker."

She took that as an invitation, quickly opening his locker and tossing him inside before shutting the door and locking it, then quickly running away. From his position sandwiched between sweaty clothes and textbooks, Jaune sighed tiredly once more.

This was, of course, the first big difference – Jaune was capable of expressing his crush on someone in a healthy way, while Caroline wasn't.

On a certain level, he could kind of understand – from what he had been able to dig up, Caroline's father had been careful to keep her sheltered from anyone who was 'beneath her', meaning she didn't get much experience being around boys her own age. It was likely that she had never had a crush on anyone before, and equally as likely that her father had planned for exactly that to happen, because apparently this world ran on shitty cliches. At this point, he half-expected the school to be attacked and destroyed during the Vytal Festival, because wouldn't _that _be the most original thing that could possibly happen? Nothing _ever _went wrong during the obligatory tournament arc, no sir.

So basically, Caroline was now at Beacon, away from her father for the first time in her life, and utterly unprepared to deal with the consequences of that. Coupled with it being that awkward time in every teenager's life when they really started to notice the opposite sex, and it was bound to end up a disaster. So now there was an absolute unit of a hot girl running around, crushing on him with no idea of how to explore that crush in a healthy way, so instead she resorted to bullying him in the hopes that it would make her feelings go away.

Needless to say, it wasn't working.

Now, Jaune would ordinarily be the first to call bullshit on any of this – girls as hot as her didn't just fall for guys as average as him, after all – but it was obviously what was happening. Caroline treated everyone the same way – with barely-disguised disdain and an undeservedly smug sense of superiority. He was the one exception to that; she was actually nervous around him, and he wasn't dumb or blind enough to think that it was because she was worried about him beating her in Combat Class.

No, it was plain as day that Caroline Winchester was crushing hard on him. He had no idea why, out of all people, she had fallen for him, but then again the heart worked in mysterious ways, if the relationship between his mother and father or Blake and tuna were to be believed.

Seriously, what was with that girl and tuna? It was fucking weird. She was going to get mercury poisoning at this rate.

Anyway, that aside, it was clear that Jaune had a bit of a quandary on his hands – he had to both convince Caroline to actually accept her feelings and act on them in a healthy manner, as well as find a way to reveal his own feelings to her in a way that didn't scare her off.

Luckily, he had just the plan for that. It was a cunning plan, one that nobody would see coming, and one that had a high probability of success.

Best part was, there was absolutely no way he could fuck it up.

* * *

"Caroline, I think I like you."

Yeah, turned out that the best approach seemed like it was going to be the direct approach. Sure, it wasn't exactly dramatic, but it wasn't like he could mess it up or send mixed signals. Besides, there was a reason why it was considered a classic – it just fucking worked, on top of being drama-free.

At least, that was his rationale for using it.

Unfortunately, he had neglected to consider that he was approaching an irrational situation from a rational standpoint, which meant that it was doomed to failure from the very beginning… just not in the way that he thought.

Caroline immediately flushed red and began to shake slightly. "W-what are you talking about Jauney-boy? L-like I would ever fall for a l-l-loser like you! F-funniest thing I've heard all day!"

Jaune rolled his eyes. "Caroline, I mean it."

She flinched, but was quick to disguise it with a forced grin. "A-alright Jauney, I'll admit that it's a g-good joke, but-"

"I know you like me too, Caroline."

Immediately, she stopped shaking. "No I don't! Don't joke about that, loser!"

The blonde facepalmed. Silently, he thanked the fact that he'd had enough foresight to corner Caroline as she was leaving the gym, so they were both alone. At first he had been thankful for it since otherwise the rest of her team would have been around to give him shit, but now it was because the fact that the two of them were alone meant that nobody was around to give _her _shit.

Seriously, this was pathetic. He got that she was sheltered and didn't know any better, but come on. A seventeen-year-old ought to know how to react when somebody confessed to them, and the fact that Caroline didn't was a damn travesty. He was almost tempted to curse her father for sheltering her so much, but then again he knew enough about her to know that she genuinely cared about her father, so that was a no-go.

_Figures that out of all the girls in Beacon, I have to fall for the one that's probably the world's biggest daddy's girl. Just my fucking luck._

Now that he thought about it, it was actually kind of funny how the stereotypical bully was the only one who actually seemed to have a put-together home life. Like, let's consider everyone for a moment – Team JNPR's families were a fucking mess. Jaune himself had run away from home because, as much as he loved his family, they were overbearing as shit, and he just couldn't deal with it anymore. Then there was Pyrrha, who was still technically up in the air since she hadn't once talked about her family for as long as he knew her. Finally, there was Ren and Nora, who were in the running for most tragic backstories at Beacon – Nora was apparently a street rat from the earliest moment she could remember, and Ren's family were dead.

Needless to say, JNPR was fucked. It was a miracle they weren't all maladjusted miscreants… well, all of them who weren't Nora, that is – there was a reason why Jaune had kept both his crush on Caroline and her bullying of him a secret, and that reason started and ended with how Nora would react if she figured either one out.

And then there was Team RWBY, which was somehow even more fucked than his team was. Ruby and Yang seemed to care about their father, but they were both so out-of-control that it was clear they were the ones who ran the household, not him. Weiss, meanwhile, had a homelife that was so shitty she had run away to Beacon just to get away from it all, and her dad was well-known as probably the most racist man on Remnant. And then there was Blake, who… well, didn't talk about her family.

But then again she hadn't talked to Jaune at all, so it's not like he would know about her family anyway.

The point is, out of everybody in Beacon for him to crush on, it _had _to be the one girl who had a father who would absolutely come down to the school in order to rip his spine out once word got out that his daughter had found herself a boyfriend. It was almost enough to convince Jaune not to bother.  
Almost, because those thighs and those tits made a very compelling counter-argument.

_Fuck you, puberty. You can suck my newly-hairy balls._

Anyway, where was he? Oh, right – trying to convince the girl he liked to stop being dumb and just admit that she liked him back. It was like watching Blake and Yang at this point, only not nearly as forced.

He wasn't sure when his life had up and turned into a shitty anime, but whatever.

"Look, Caroline," he said, "I mean what I said. I really do like you, and I think you like me back."

And now she was sweating again, and looking around nervously. At the same time, she wasn't trying to run away, which was a good sign. Jaune gave her a reassuring grin.

"So, what do you say? Want to give it a shot?"

She was silent for a second… and then she started to laugh. Softly at first, but then harder. Tears were streaming down her face. Jaune felt his smile fade. Had he been wrong?

She recovered after a moment, standing back up after having been doubled over and wiping the tears from her eyes.

"T-that's… that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, Jauney-boy," she said.

Well, shit. So much for that plan.

"W-who would like you, anyway?" she continued. "With your… y-your dumb boyish face and stupid golden hair and ridiculous blue eyes that I just keep losing myself in..." She huffed, then crossed her arms and turned away. "D-don't even think of asking me out! Especially not to that new pizza place that just opened up downtown! I w-wouldn't want to go with a nerd like you, anyway! So don't even try it, because there's definitely no way I'd show up!"

Jaune blinked, and slowly his grin returned. He nodded in understanding. "Alright, Caroline. I'll pick you up Saturday at five thirty."

"W-what did I just say?!" she demanded. "I s-said I wasn't interested, so don't do it! My friends will definitely be there at five thirty anyway, so definitely don't come by after I've had a chance to kick them out, like around six or so!"

Jaune nodded in understanding. "Okay. See you then."

"N-no you won't, loser!"

With that, she pushed him out of the way – a little more gently than usual – and hurried away, clearly flustered. Jaune merely pumped his fist in victory.

So this was how it felt to be a ladykiller, huh? He had her eating out of the palm of his hand, in the best way possible. Thank the Gods he had been right, otherwise this would have been a disaster.

That being said, her attitude was cause for concern. It had been cute at first, but now it was getting annoying. Hopefully actually going on a date with him would loosen him up, because otherwise it was going to get old fast.

_I'm sure it'll get better. I mean, how bad could it possibly get?  
_

* * *

As it turned out, very bad.

"D-don't you dare keep going! It's not like I enjoy the feeling of your dick inside me or anything!"

Jaune merely rolled his eyes, doing his best to keep his hips going. Caroline wasn't making it easy, of course – she kept squirming, pretending to do her best to throw him off. And damn if that hadn't been concerning – at first, he had thought she was actually not into it at all, only for her to force him back inside when he pulled out. Yeah, he probably should have seen that coming. Combined with the fact that she was much stronger than him, and it was clear that the only reason they were currently doing the do was because she had offered.

It was a bit quick, what with it having been just one date and all, but he wasn't about to say no, especially not with how she had practically coerced him into it. Apparently, her affection for him ran a lot deeper than he initially thought.

Not that she did a good job of showing it openly, of course.

"F-fuck! I-I mean… t-this dick is so tiny! I can't feel a thing!"

Yeah, that was why her tongue was hanging out of her mouth and her eyes were rolled back in her head. She looked like one of those poorly-drawn Mistralian cartoons that Professor Goodwitch had hidden behind the books in her office.

_Why does it seem like someone else should have been the subject of that joke?  
_

Anyway, that aside, the point was that it was the first time for both of them. And honestly, Jaune had expected something a lot different. Sure, it felt _really _good, but it was tough to focus on what he was feeling when Caroline wouldn't stop being enormously tsun.

"G-Gods…!" she gasped from underneath him. "I...I f-fucking hate you, Arc!"

"I know. By the way, I'm close."

"D-don't you dare cum inside! I-it's not like I'm on the pill or anything!"

Oh, come the fuck on, that statement wasn't even directly related to him! What was this, Opposite Day or something? This shit was getting ridiculous. Just for that, he really wasn't going to cum inside her.

Jaune pulled out at the last second, depriving her of what he knew she wanted. She blinked in surprise, only to sigh disappointedly a few seconds later.

"...Fine. It's not like I wanted your cum or anything, baka."

Okay, that was enough of that.

"Look, can we talk for a second?" Jaune asked, laying down on the bed next to her.

"About what, loser?"

"That."

"What?"

"The whole tsun thing you're doing. I really like you, but you're not making it easy."

"Y-yeah? Well… I _don't _like you!"

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Then explain what we just did."

"...Hate sex."

"You sure? Because the way you had your legs wrapped around me for a while and wouldn't stop kissing me screamed the opposite."

She flushed red, grabbing the covers and pulling them up to cover her bare chest. Jaune sighed.

"Look, just explain something to me, alright?" he asked. "Why do you feel the need to do this? I mean, it's clear that you feel the same way about me as I do about you. So what gives?"

She mumbled something, and Jaune frowned. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

"You wouldn't get it..." she said.

"Try me, Caroline."

At this point, he didn't care if he ended up getting it or not, because this tsun shit had to end. How did people even like this kind of thing? It was just obnoxious, not to mention embarrassing for them both.

_Man, fuck that old robot anime for getting everyone interested in this shitty character archetype thanks to that one redheaded girl. Only losers like her anyway._

And that was the moment when Jaune realized that he was unintentionally insulting himself, since he had just finished banging a hot tsun redhead of his own.

_Oh, Gods damn it. What next, a white-haired waifu that only total virgins can appreciate?_

...Yes, actually, considering that Weiss existed. Cursing himself, he struggled to think of the rest. He was oh-for-two, but he wasn't about to let himself insult himself like that, not if he had anything to say about it.

_Okay, fine, I'll play your game. I mean, it's not like there's a hot onee-san who may or may not be into younger boys, who's also an alcoholic, but who is also one of the most important people around, and that only people too afraid to make the first move like because she's super aggressive and would pursue them instead._

And then he remembered that Professor Goodwitch was a thing.

_Oh, come the fuck on! You know what? Fine, fuck it. You win, universe. I'm not even going to ask if there's a twink who may or may not be into me as more than a friend._

Thank God he didn't bother to ask that, because he just so happened to remember that Ren was a thing. Pushing those disturbing thoughts and self-roasts aside, he focused on the conversation at hand.

Caroline bit her lip, but finally sighed. "...Alright, fine. It's… it's not you, it's me."

Jaune raised an eyebrow at that. "Seriously?"

"What do you mean, 'seriously'?"

"I mean, it seems a bit hasty to break up over this, doesn't it? I though what we had was-"

"You idiot, I'm not breaking up with you! I'm trying to say that you haven't done anything wrong!"

"...Oh."

Well, now he felt kind of stupid. In his defense, there was traditionally only one way the 'It's not you, it's me' speech ever ended.

Has anyone ever used that speech to any kind of success? He somehow doubted it; he couldn't think of any other more surefire way to indicate to another person that you meant the opposite of what you were saying. Nobody who ever used the 'It's not you, it's me' speech truly believed it was them.

Anyway, horrible breakup lines aside, there were more important things to worry about right now.

"Caroline, please," Jaune asked. "Tell me what's wrong. Whatever it is, we can work through it."

Caroline sighed softly before giving him a grateful look. "You really don't make it easy, you know?"

"Make what easy?"

"Trying to hate you."

Jaune frowned. "Why are you trying to hate me?"

"I figured that if I managed to convince myself I didn't like you, that I'd stop liking you."

"But you basically led me to your room the instant we got back to Beacon."

"...Yeah, it didn't work, so I figured that if I just slept with you once, it would go away."

Jaune just stared at her. Caroline blinked, embarrassed. "...Obviously, that didn't work either."

Okay, but why though? This seemed incredibly convoluted and, if he dared to say it, downright stupid.

"...You know, there are easier ways to bully someone," he offered.

"What?"

"Like, if you really wanted to show your tsun side by bullying me, there's always shoving me in a locker."

"Jaune-"

"Or giving me a wedgie."

"Jaune, seriously-"

"Or maybe just going for the age-old nut tap, though I guess you kind of just got finished doing that-"

"Jaune!" she said, cutting him off. He stared at her, and she sighed tiredly. "Just listen, alright? Trust me when I say that this isn't something I want to do, it's something I _have _to do."

"And why is that?"

"Because my dad wouldn't approve of our relationship."

"Ah."

Well, it wasn't like he was expecting anything different – he had, after all, put those pieces together himself a while back. Still, there were a few things he wanted to know.

"...Am I really that bad that he wouldn't approve?" he wondered aloud.

Caroline quickly shook her head. "No! No, Jaune – you're a great guy, alright? I had a great time tonight, and I don't just mean the sex. Being around you is… well, it's just fantastic."

Well, that was certainly a confidence booster.

"Unfortunately, you're also a huge nerd, and you come from a loser family."

And there it went. "...I see," he said.

She shrugged. "I mean, I don't think that matters, but my dad definitely would."

"Yeah, I know." He paused. "...Hang on, you think my family is a loser family?"

"...Kind of? Don't you all live in a little shack in the middle of nowhere?"

"...Maybe."

She stared at him blankly. Jaune just sighed. "...Alright, point taken."

Yeah, not worth arguing about that, given that his family was pretty dirt-poor. He still remembered that one Winter Solstice where his parents had spent all their money on gifts for him and his sisters, plus preparing for the new baby that was on the way, and had therefore been forced to jury-rig dinner.

Needless to say, roasted squirrel with wild blackberry stuffing hadn't exactly been a hit.

Still, they may have been poor in lien, but they were rich in character, and he knew that if given the chance, he could convince Caroline's father otherwise.

"Don't do it," she suddenly warned.

Jaune blinked. "Do what?"

"Whatever you're thinking about."

"What makes you think I'm thinking of something?"

"Because you have the same look on your face now as you do whenever you're thinking about my tits whenever I'm shoving you into a locker."

"...You, ah, knew about that?"

"Knew about it? Jaune, I've been going without a bra for weeks, specifically because I enjoyed your reaction."

"...You ever stop to think that maybe the reason why your plan to convince yourself to hate me didn't work was because you were sabotaging yourself?"

"No, but now that you mention it-"

_Uh oh. _"Uh, hey, let's talk less about that and more about the stupid plan I'm totally thinking of right now!"

She shrugged. "Okay, sure."

Man, he almost couldn't believe that worked. 'Almost' because, hot as she was and as much as he liked her, Caroline wasn't exactly the smartest person in the world – her Faunus hatred was proof enough of that.

_Should probably do something to address that._

The only question was what. Powerful as the D was, even it had its limits. He wasn't sure what they were quite yet, but something told him that the ability to make cute girls go all ahegao was about the most he could expect.

It wasn't like he was going to be turning evildoers over to the side of good with the power of his cock, or anything. That would just be stupid.

Then again, if the D itself couldn't solve that problem, he could always try _withholding _the D and hope that resulted in some progress. Yeah, it seemed crazy at first, but experience had taught him that women could be just as stupid about sex as men, and go equally crazy and/or become equally likely to do crazy things in order to go back to taking the full six inches as soon as possible.

_Damn, who would have thought the thin walls in my shack would actually result in something that wasn't traumatizing and was actually helpful? Suddenly, all those times of hearing Mom pin Dad down and ride him like a rodeo cowboy actually don't seem so bad._

That being said, he was still never going to forgive his parents for not having the common courtesy to at least turn the fucking radio on first. Then again, he supposed there was a reason they had gone for eight kids.

Snapping himself out of those mildly disturbing thoughts, he turned back to Caroline. "Right, so, your dad isn't going to like me right now, yeah?"

"Yup," she replied.

"Okay, so all I have to do is get him to like me."

"Yeah, that's not going to happen."

"Why not? I'm a likable guy."

"Jaune, no offense, but you're a huge geek," she replied. "You still read comic books, you like video games, and you can't fight to save your life. Literally the coolest thing you've done since getting into Beacon is sleep with me, and unfortunately for you, that's going to stay between us."

Oh, come on. Did she really think he was going to go around bragging to his friends about how he had slept with Caroline Winchester? He wasn't a pig.

More importantly, none of them would care – Nora and Yang would just make jokes at his expense, Blake would grunt and keep reading her stupid porn books, Weiss would snap at him for sharing that because she was a huge prude, Pyrrha was so far above the rest of them in terms of sheer coolness that she probably wouldn't bother concerning herself with the goings-on of a mere mortal like him, Ren would be too busy trying to wrangle Nora to care about what he was saying, and he honestly wasn't sure if Ruby even knew what sex was considering she was so childish with everything else.

_Geez, they're weird. I think I might need some new friends, because hanging out with the misfits isn't doing me any favors. I'm pretty sure half of them don't even know I exist._

"Don't worry," he said. "I won't tell anyone."

She relaxed slightly. "Good. The last thing I need is for this to get out and somehow find its way back to my dad."

"Oh, that's why you wanted me to keep it a secret."

"Of course. Why else would I want to keep it between us?"

"...Uh, no reason," he quickly said. "So, I have to ask – what do we do, then? Because I don't think either one of us wants this to end."

She shrugged, letting out a sad sigh as she did so. "...I don't know. You're a great guy, Jaune, but… I just don't know how we're going to make this relationship work. I really don't want it to end, but-"

"Then we'll find a way," he said, taking her by surprise. He flashed her a small grin. "Hey, I really like you, okay? I want this to end about as much as you do."

She seemed uncertain about how to react at first, but finally let out a small giggle. "Yeah, okay. Let's do it, then. Let's find a way."

As it turned out, they eventually did. It wasn't their first choice, but it was the best way they could think of. Neither of them had any illusions about how difficult maintaining the illusion would be, but they both knew it would be worth it.

Seriously, they may have both been virgins, but even they recognized good sex when they had it.

* * *

A week had passed since Jaune had hooked up with Caroline and they had "officially" become girlfriend and boyfriend. Nobody knew but them, of course – they were careful to keep it between themselves, keeping their time together reserved for small trips to Vale after classes ended for the day, and occasionally sneaking off during breaks between classes for some "alone time" in one of the unoccupied dorm rooms.

Anyway, besides that, the status quo went on – Jaune's friends were completely oblivious, as were Caroline's.

But there was a cost for that secrecy, and it wasn't exactly one that either of them were thrilled to pay.

"What have you got for me today, meat?"

Jaune had to resist rolling his eyes. Of course she would still try to tease him even when she was supposed to be "bullying" him. Just for that, he'd show her what his "meat" could do later in the day.

"...I've got a couple lien in my wallet," he offered.

Caroline scoffed. "Fine, I guess that'll do." She looked back at her team, snapping her fingers.

They were on him in an instant, patting him down for anything in his pockets. Aside from Sky, who got his wallet, none of them had anything to show for it. Caroline sent him an apologetic look as he was being patted down; clearly, she was about as thrilled with this arrangement as he was, especially since she was going to have to make it "convincing" and leave him with a bruise or two in order to really sell it. They had done this song-and-dance before, of course, so he wasn't too worried – she would give him a soft tap to the stomach, just enough to knock the air out of his lungs, then act like she was satisfied, and then really make it up to him later.

Boy, would she make it up to him later.

"_Next time, just lie back and let me do all the work. I'll do _whatever _you want~."_

And if that wasn't enticing enough to get him to roll with the punches, he didn't know what was.

And to think that there were some people who thought dating your bully couldn't work, and that it was only for bad romance anime. What did they know? Here he was, mere hours away from nutting like a champion, and all it would cost was a few bruises (his stolen lien, naturally, would be returned to him by her).

"Got it, boss," Sky said, holding up his wallet proudly.

Caroline nodded in approval, though Jaune could see in her gaze that she wasn't happy right now. "Alright. Let's see what we got."

Sky nodded, then opened up the wallet, thrusting his hand inside. Instantly, he went stone-faced. "Oh?"

Caroline crossed her arms. "Well?"

A sly grin crossed Sky's face. He turned to Jaune, a predatory look crossing over him. "Jauney-boy, you should have told us!"

_Don't take the bait, Jaune. He's just trying to rile you up._

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Caroline asked, clearly impatient.

Sky, never one for subtlety, replied by simply pulling his hand out of the wallet, revealing something that was definitely _not _a lien card. Instantly, Jaune went red-faced, and Caroline fell silent.

Sky's grin widened as he held up the condom. "So, Jauney-boy, who's the lucky girl?"

Jaune coughed softly, shaking his head. Russel scowled, stepping forward and grabbing him by the shirt.

"You know, chivalry's been dead for a while," he said. "You might as well tell us who the whore is."

Behind him, Caroline grit her teeth. Jaune was tempted to say something, but wasn't sure whether he wanted to try and calm her down or rile Russel up enough that she started beating on him just out of principle. Either way, if things went off without a hitch, he won.

But that was a pretty big 'if', so he decided to play it safe instead.

"So you can torment her? No, thanks," Jaune said.

Russel scowled, cocking his fist back. Jaune braced himself for it to impact against his head, only for Caroline to suddenly step in, catching it and holding it back. Russel gave her a questioning glance, and she just glared at him.

"I'll take it from here," she said.

Russel nodded in acknowledgment, then stepped back. Caroline took his place, grabbing Jaune's shirt and pulling him up to stare at him. And then, to his surprise, she whispered something to him under her breath, barely audible even with their close proximity to each other.

"Just roll with it."

Jaune barely had time to react before she slammed both hands on either side of his head and leaned down, essentially forcing him against the locker as she leaned down, leering at him with a predatory grin. Despite knowing she was on his side, he couldn't help but swallow nervously.

"So, Jauney-boy got himself a girlfriend, huh?" Caroline asked.

Behind her, her boys started jeering. Jaune, meanwhile, remembered her advice and decided to just roll with it, nodding slightly.

"Uh, y-yeah?"

She barked out a laugh. "Oh, now that's cute. Say, Jauney, she good in bed?"

"Um… yeah, I'd say so."

"Oh, that so? I bet she must be a real filthy girl. I mean, if she's getting with your stank ass, that must be true."

"I don't think-"

"So, tell me what you like to get up to with her. C'mon, I won't tell anyone."

Well, this was certainly going too far. Was she still acting? It was honestly hard to tell if she had planned this out at all or was just improvising this off the cuff.

The rest of her team seemed to love it though, given they were all laughing like fucking hyenas behind her.

_It's not even that funny._

Then again, something told him that Caroline wasn't keeping them around for their stellar senses of humor.

_Wait, hold on… are they just simps?  
_

A question for another time, he supposed; there were more pressing matters at hand.

Tearing his attention away from his hot girlfriend's amazing chest (not his fault; they were right in his face and she wasn't wearing a bra, the fucking tease) to focus on her face, Jaune nodded once more.

"I'd… rather not talk about it."

"Really, now?" Caroline asked. Jaune nodded, sighing softly in relief. Hopefully, that would be the end of it – there didn't seem to be anywhere for her to go past that point.

If only he were so lucky.

"Then why don't I take a guess, then?"

_Uh oh. _"Uh-"

She gazed over his whole body, appraising him. He could have sworn he saw her lick her lips, but that would have been a bit too bold for her, especially since she was supposed to still be in-character as his bully.

"Like I said, I'll be that she's a real _filthy _girl," Caroline said. "The kind who wants nothing more than for you to try to take control, so the two of you can fight for dominance before one of you finally wins."

_Oddly specific._

Behind her, her team was rolling on the floor, clutching at their sides. She ignored them, instead focusing on Jaune. "I'll be she's such a freak that she's even willing to let a noodle like you take control and be dominant most of the time. Hell, that's probably what she secretly craves."

_Where are you going with this, Caroline?  
_

"And beyond that, I'll be she's got a whole bunch of dirty things she's just craving to try – maybe some light bondage, and some anal."  
She winked at him, and he immediately got the message, rolling his eyes in exasperation.

_Alright, I get it now._

"You know what? You might just be right," he said.

She barked out a laugh at that. "You hear that, boys? Jauney's a little pervert."

"Yeah, I am," he announced proudly. "I have a hot girlfriend who I love to death. We're going to do all kinds of filthy things together."

Again, she laughed… but this time, it sounded a bit forced. He was about to ask what was wrong when he saw her tug at her collar a bit and wipe a bit of sweat from her forehead. He raised an eyebrow, and she cast a glance behind her to make sure her friends were still preoccupied before motioning for him to continue.

_Of _course _she's getting off to this._

"Anyway, let me explain what I'm gonna do," he said. "As soon as you're done bullying me, I'm gonna meet up with my girlfriend."

"Oh, yeah?"

"We're gonna find an unoccupied dorm room. I'm gonna take all my belts there with me."

"Oh, y-yeah?"

"And I'm gonna try out some of that light bondage that she's definitely interested in. Just, like, tie her up and make her into a drooling, moaning mess by the end of it. It's gonna be super hot and kinky."

She didn't say anything for a second, as she was too busy biting her lip. Jaune snapped his fingers, which shook her out of it. Caroline wiped some more sweat away, then barked out another laugh.

"Damn, Jauney. You're a bold one. You sure she'll be down for something that lewd?"

"Oh, I think she will," he said. "After all, she's a bad girl. And bad girls get spankings."

Well, that was cringeworthy… but Caroline seemed to love it. Standing up straight, she quickly put herself in order before joining her boys in laughter, doubling over as she pointed at him.

"Ah, man, that's rich," she said, wiping tears from her eyes. "Thanks for the laugh, Jauney-boy – I really needed it. Just for that, I'm not gonna shove you in your locker."

Turning back to her team, she motioned for them to fall in behind her. "Come on, boys. Let's get some grub. We'll play with this loser some other time."  
They seemed to accept that, each of them filing in behind her as she made a beeline for the cafeteria. Jaune watched her go, taking note of the extra sway she put in her steps as she went. She rounded the corner, and not a second later, his scroll chimed.

'_Meet me in the usual spot in twenty minutes. Bring your belts and some lube.'_

Well, who was he to argue? And people said bullying was a bad thing. If only _all _bullying incidents could end like this, the world would be a much better place. This was even better than those shitty teen movies where the hero got to get revenge on his bully by making it with the hot girl – here, his bully _was _the hot girl, and making it with her _was _the revenge.

_Man, is there _any _way this could go wrong?  
_

It would be barely a day before he regretted making that statement.

* * *

The day had started off so normally, too – Jaune had woken up, gotten dressed, and eaten breakfast without anything going wrong. In retrospect, that should have been the second big clue that something was seriously wrong.

The first should have been when he had woken up and found both Pyrrha and Nora were missing.

Of course, he hadn't thought much of it at the time – Nora, as it turned out, was a lot like a six-year-old in that she preferred to wake up as early as possible in order to stuff her face with sugary breakfast foods, which meant that _someone _(usually Ren) had to accompany her. Recently, she had started letting Jaune go with her instead, citing the fact that Ren often needed a bit more sleep than she did, owing to his habit of staying up late trying to repair the common area's blender whenever he jammed it by making his 'health drinks'. Sure, it was weird for her to have had Pyrrha accompany her to the cafeteria this time, but Jaune had always figured that it was just a matter of time.

That lasted for about as long as it had taken for him to open his scroll and see that Nora had sent him an image with an attached message of 'present 4 u'. Curious, he had opened it, and immediately been assaulted by an image of a young woman that was unmistakably Caroline being forced to kneel, a bag over her head and her arms bound behind her back, as Pyrrha and Nora (both wearing ski masks, because of course they were) stood on either side of her, each one of them holding an electric razor, for reasons he could only guess at.

He didn't have to guess for long, as his scroll chimed with another message, once more from Nora.

'_yea jaune-jaune we got her wallahi we will not rest until the bullying dogs have been shaved bare, inshallah'_

Jaune immediately sighed, bringing his palm up to his face. Of course, Nora would somehow find out that he was being bullied and seek to deal with it in a way that she deemed appropriate, that was just his fucking luck. And the day had started off so peaceful, too. Still, he supposed that wasn't the most surprising part – no, that would have to go to the fact that Nora somehow managed to get _Pyrrha _of all people to go along with her harebrained scheme. How she had managed to get Pyrrha – a girl who didn't have an evil bone in her body, to the point where she was pretty much officially the nicest girl in school, _and _who had at one point apologized 118 times in a single school day (yes, he had counted) – to go along with this, he had no idea.

_Right, better take care of this before they shave Caroline bald._

Luckily, finding them wasn't hard – from the background of the photo, they were in one of the classrooms, likely Port's.

_Of course it would be Port's. They probably bribed him by calling him handsome and asking for a story._

Pushing his way inside the classroom, Jaune found himself rolling his eyes when he saw Nora and Pyrrha standing there, poised with razors in their hands. Both looked over to him as he stepped inside, Nora waving him over.

"Ah, good! Now we can begin!"

She tore the bag off Caroline's head, revealing that the well-muscled girl was both glaring daggers at both the other girls and had been gagged with a sock, keeping her completely silent.

_It's like last night all over again._

Unfortunately, Jaune didn't get a chance to revel in the memory, because both girls took the opportunity to rev up their razors.

"Wait!" Jaune said frantically, desperate to stop them from doing something he and Caroline would regret.

Both his teammates exchanged a look before reluctantly obeying, powering down their razors before glancing over at him.

"Why'd you want us to stop, Jaune-Jaune?" Nora asked.

"Doesn't this seem a little extreme to you?"

To his surprise, it was Pyrrha who shook her head. "Jaune, she and her team have been bullying you for weeks. I think it's time for a little revenge."

"Okay, first off, you have no idea how weird it is hearing that come from you. Second off, it's really not that bad."

"Not that bad? Jaune, she's stolen your money, shoved you in a locker full of dirty gym clothes, and deleted your _Animal Crossing _save file from your scroll."

Okay, yeah, that last one was pretty bad, but that had been a very long time ago and the apology blowjobs had more than made up for it. He couldn't tell them that, of course, but still, the fact remained that he was over it.

Mostly.

_Rest in peace, System Of A Town. Gone, but not forgotten. Your memory shall forever be enshrined in your replacement save file… and also in my girlfriend's mouth, I suppose._

Shaking that thought from his mind, Jaune looked back at his two teammates, frowning.

"How'd you two even find out about my bullying, anyway? I was really trying to keep it on the down-low so I could handle it myself."

Nora shrugged. "Overheard Sky bragging about it with the other two last night."

Caroline rolled her eyes at that, both because of her teammates being so stupid and because she had been too preoccupied with getting a spanking to wrangle them and stop them from being so stupid. But that was neither here nor there.

"Anyway," Nora continued, "Once I overheard that, it was a simple matter of threatening to break their legs in order to get them to spill the beans. Fun fact: did you know that Russel's worst fear is being crippled? He looked like he was about to pee himself when I said that to him."

"I think he actually might have peed himself a little," Pyrrha pointed out, a bit too enthusiastically for Jaune's liking.

Wait a second, Pyrrha was there?!

"Pyrrha, you helped Nora shake down Team CRDL?!" Jaune asked.

Pyrrha rubbed the back of her head, embarrassed. "...I'll admit that it was a bit out-of-character for me, but nobody messes with my partner and gets away with it."

This just kept getting weirder and weirder. Frankly, he already wasn't sure how to handle it; any more revelations like this and he would truly be out of his league.

Unsure of how to proceed, Jaune eventually decided to bite the bullet and just take the direct approach.

"Look, I don't want you to shave Caroline, okay? Just leave her alone."

"What are you talking about?" Nora asked. "Jaune, she's bullying you! We can't just sit idly by and let that happen!"

Jaune glanced over at Caroline, who looked back with pleading eyes. An entire conversation seemed to pass between the two of them, unsaid but communicated nonetheless.

"_You really want me to do this?"_

"_Yes."  
_

_"Even though there's a real risk of you being shaved bald?"_

"_Still better than my dad finding out."_

"_He's probably going to find out anyway, you know. I might as well tell them now so you can keep your hair."_

"_No!"_

"_So you'd rather explain to him why you're bald?"_

"_It'd be easier than explaining to him why my hymen isn't intact anymore!"  
_

_"I _really _hope you're being hyperbolic with that."_

"_Of course, you moron! What'd you _think _I was trying to say?!"_

Alright, that was enough of that conversation. Clearly, she was committed to keeping the ruse going. He thought it was stupid, but if it was what his girlfriend wanted, he would go along with it.

"Look, I'm just not a vengeful person," Jaune offered.

"But I am," Nora countered.

Well, so much for that approach. "Um… This whole thing kind of makes me uncomfortable."

"And being shoved into a locker doesn't?" Pyrrha asked.

"...You know, it's not so bad in there. I kind of like it – it's private. Also, it's surprisingly spacious."

Even Caroline rolled her eyes at that, which kind of peeved him off a little.

_Come on, I'm already reaching! The least you could do is show a little appreciation!_

"Well, maybe I just feel like cutting someone's hair," Nora interjected.

"So cut Ren's."

"NEVER!" the orange-haired girl shouted. "Ren's hair is _amazing! _It's like running your hand through a sloth's fur."

"Don't sloths carry all sorts of fungus and other assorted nastiness around on their fur?"

"...Okay, maybe not _quite _like running your hand through a sloth's fur, but it's still very nice! Anyway, I'm gonna shave her now."

With that, Nora revved up her razor once more, Pyrrha joining her not a second later. Jaune's eyes widened as the razors approached his girlfriend's head. Caroline seemed to accept her fate, closing her eyes and trying to go with as much dignity as possible, but Jaune wouldn't stand for it.

_Sorry babe, but it has to be done._

"Wait!" he called. "This is all a big misunderstanding! Caroline isn't bullying me!"

"He's delusional!" Nora called to Pyrrha. "Don't stop!"

"Damn it, Caroline's my girlfriend!" Jaune shouted.

Instantly, there was silence. The three girls were staring at him with wide eyes, as if they couldn't quite believe what they were hearing. Steadily, this gave way to other reactions – Nora seemed unsure of what to believe, Pyrrha was confused, and Caroline had a heavy blush on her face, one that she was trying to conceal by looking down at the floor. Pyrrha was the first to recover, clearing her throat.

"…Care to repeat that? I don't think we quite heard you."

"I said, Caroline is my girlfriend," Jaune replied. "She has been for a little while now. Before that, she had a huge crush on me. That's why she bullied me – she didn't know how to express her crush for me, and she also didn't want to pursue her attraction because she was afraid her overprotective dad would find out."

Pyrrha blinked before sighing sadly, then turning to Nora. "...He's got that syndrome where victims latch onto their abusers."

"Jauney's a battered wife?" Nora asked.

"It would seem so. You know what that means?"

"No."

"It means now, we're going to have to shave her twice as hard."

"Wait, please!" Jaune called, once again getting them to pause. "I know it's hard to believe, but it's true! Caroline is my girlfriend – we've had sex and everything!"

Caroline let out a low groan, sinking even lower. Again, Pyrrha and Nora exchanged glances.

"...So, what you're saying," Pyrrha tentatively began, "is that she didn't just bully you, but she also raped you?"

"Wha- no! No, no, no! I _wanted _to have sex with her!"

"Jaune, you're not making any sense."

"_You're _not making any sense! Why is this so hard for you to believe?!"

"Well, excuse me for finding it difficult to believe that my partner's bully is actually his girlfriend."

"Oh, for the love of-"

Finally fed up, Jaune marched forward, approaching his girlfriend and ripping the sock out of her mouth.

"Tell them, Caroline," Jaune pleaded. "Tell them we're together."

Caroline blinked, staring up at him with wide eyes. For a moment, Jaune was relieved that she seemed to have seen things his way.

It died when she opened her mouth.

"W-why would I ever be interested in a l-loser like you?"

Jaune facepalmed. "Gods damn it, this is no time to be tsun!"

"W-who's being tsun? N-not me; d-definitely no anime stutters here, heh-heh."

"Yeah, okay." He turned over to Pyrrha. "Please don't tell me you actually believe this."

The champion merely shrugged. "She makes a pretty convincing argument."

"Pyrrha!"

"Well, she does."

Jaune grit his teeth. He needed to find some way to fix this, and fast. And then it occurred to him – the fastest way to convince any tsundere to come around was to expose them to the one thing they hated more than anything in the world.

A romantic development that didn't include them. Smirking, Jaune put his hands on his hips. "Then I guess that's that. Congrats, you all figured me out – this was an elaborate ruse the whole time."

"Glad to hear it," Pyrrha said. "That means I still have a chance, and-"

"And now that I've been revealed, there's no sense hiding it anymore. Yes, all this was just a cover, done to hide my feelings for my one true love."

Pyrrha started to swoon, clasping her hands together. "Oh, Jaune~ Why didn't you say-"

"And now that I'm free from the confines of insecurity, I'm free to chase after her," Jaune announced. He looked over to her, the girl who had 'captured his attention', and sank down to one knee, grabbing her by the hand and holding it to his chest.

"Will you go out with me, Nora?"

Immediately, Pyrrha went stone-faced. "What."

Nora blinked, surprised. "Um, Jaune? What are you doing?"

"Asking out my one true love," he replied. Looking over to Caroline out of the corner of his eye, he found her gnashing her teeth in rage, forcing herself to hold back.

Just as planned.

Nora shook her head. "You're barking up the wrong tree, mister."

"Am I?" he replied. "We'll make it a pancake date, Nora. Any kind of pancakes you want."

"You're seriously laying it on thick. Pyrrha, tell him-"

"Enough!" Caroline shouted.

There was a tearing sound as the girl ripped through her restraints, then suddenly lunged forward and grabbed a hold of Jaune, protectively pulling his head into her chest before glaring at the other two girls.

"_Mine," _she hissed. Letting Jaune come up for air, she smirked at him. "You thought you could just break if off like that, did you?"

Frantically, Jaune shook his head. "Just an act, babe."

"Well, it worked." Looking back at the other two, she glared at them once more. "Stay away from my man, you hussies. Don't make me cut you."  
Great, apparently she had gone from tsundere to yandere. Nora seemed to be taking it in stride, while Pyrrha was seething, apparently angered at such an accusation.

Jaune couldn't blame her; he'd be pissed about being rused like this, too.

"Pyrrha, it's alright," he said. "I know it's hard to believe, but Caroline and I truly are happy together."

"Jaune, that's not it!" the champion protested. "The truth is, I lo-"

Caroline suddenly scoffed, looping her arms around Jaune. "Oh, whatever. Are we done here?"

"I think so," Jaune said.

Nora looked over at Pyrrha before turning her attention back to Jaune. "Actually, there's something-"

"Good," Caroline announced. "Because now that these two know about us, there's no way it's going to be kept a secret."

At that, Jaune winced. "Yeah… sorry, babe."

She merely shrugged. "What's done is done." A grin started to spread across her face. "But anyway, now that we've been exposed, I guess there's no need to hide it anymore, is there?"

"...Well, when you put it that way-"

"Then let's go, Jauney-Boy," she said impatiently, grabbing his hand and staring to pull him down the hall. "We've got to make the most of it before my dad finds out."

Jaune was tempted to argue, but honestly, she had a point. It was only a matter of time before her father found out, and there would be hell to pay… so for now, he might as well roll with the punches.

_Why do I keep getting myself into these messes?_

* * *

**Okay, I know I've mentioned giving Pyrrha a break at some point, but come on, it's just too easy, and in this specific instance, it was too good of a chance to pass up. I promise that I'm trying to dial it back, but it just kind of comes out anyway. **

**Anyway, that aside, this one was certainly interesting to write. I kind of figured early on that the only way I was ever going to make this pairing work was if I made Caroline into a tsundere with a very stupid reason for being a tsundere, so that's what I went with. **

**And hey, there's another good end! To be honest, I think the bad end thing could use a rest for a bit. Our boy needs a break from constantly getting shit on for once, don't you think? **

**Besides all of that, I don't have much else. I've got a few more R63 characters I'm planning, but I'm going to try and space them out. That being said, the ideas have been flowing for them for some reason, so don't be surprised if I end up putting out two in a row just this once.**

**Next update: Saturday, May 30.**


	15. Laying the Dragon

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 14: Yang, or: Laying the Dragon

* * *

Jaune hadn't exactly expected dating Yang to be easy. He wasn't so stupid to think that being able to call a bombshell like her his girlfriend would come without a catch.

"Yeah, buddy!"

He just wished that said catch wasn't so emasculating.

Next to him, Yang loudly exhaled a few times as she swung her arms back and forth. Everyone else in the gym was staring at her like she was some kind of annoying douchebag… which, he noted, she sort of was, at least with how she was acting.

His eyes traveled down to the barbell resting at her feet. She had loaded it with every plate from the squat rack and every plate from the leg press, for extra douchebaggery. Most of the people here probably thought there was no way she would be able to move it even an inch off the ground. Jaune knew better, though.

Unfortunately.

She turned to him, flashing him a grin. "Remember, Jaune-"

"I know, I know – don't spot you."

"Yup! Don't want to risk you getting hurt." She turned back to the barbell and exhaled a few more times. "Light weight, baby!" she shouted. "Let's goooooooo!"

Jaune sighed as she bent down and put both her hands on the bar. Normally, he would have taken the opportunity to look at her ass, but he didn't even care at this point; he was too embarrassed to even try.

"Time to put your mind to it! Yeah, baby! Woooooooo! Everybody wants to be a bodybuilder, but nobody wants to lift this heavy-ass weight! I'll do it, though!"

Jaune facepalmed. "Babe, can you just lift the weight already? People are starting to stare."

"Let them!" Yang replied. She exhaled once more. "Light weight, baby! Light weight!"

She bent her knees until the bar almost touched her shins, then began to lift, pulling the bar up and pressing her legs down until the barbell passed her knees. Once it did, she thrust her hips forward, pausing for a few seconds before lowering the weight back to the ground with a loud yell. It was a picture-perfect deadlift.

It was also a fuckton more than what he could do. Embarrassing didn't even begin to describe it.

It was an abstract, almost existential kind of pain, being absolutely mogged by your girlfriend.

Wiping sweat from her brow, Yang turned to him, panting. A large smirk was plastered on her face.

"What do you think, Lover Boy?"

Jaune felt like sighing. He stopped himself from doing so, knowing that it would upset her. Instead, he forced himself to grin.

"Very impressive."

Her smirk widened. "Ah, it was nothing. Now, let's see what you can do."

Despite his best efforts, his grin faded. He looked over to the bar, sighing when he did. "Right..."

Man, this was embarrassing. And for one of the easier lifts, too – deadlifts were heavy, sure, but they were pretty straightforward, nothing like some of the other compound lifts she had him doing. Out of all of them, Jaune thought the clean and jerk was the worst, both because of how exhausting it was and because of how much Yang mogged him on it.

Basically, she was doing a stupid amount of weight for her clean and jerk, while he… well, to put it simply, he much preferred to jerk and then clean, if you catch his drift.

That is to say, he hated clean and jerk and was only repping one plate on it, like a little bitch.

But at least it wasn't barbell lunges or overhead press, because fuck barbell lunges and overhead press.

Yang turned back to the bar, humming as she began to pull plates off of it. Clearly, she didn't think anything was wrong, but that wasn't her fault – Jaune had never once brought it up to her, and not because he was afraid of how she would react.

Rather, it was simply embarrassing to admit that your girlfriend was tougher than you.

He was tempted to say 'more masculine', but that was something Yang actually _would _take offense to… for some reason. Experience had taught him as much.

It had been one of the bigger mistakes he had made in his relationship with her, but in his defense, there weren't many other descriptors he could have used when he realized she had nicer abs than he did.

Not to say that said abs weren't appreciated, of course – Yang was, after all, just his type: muscular, athletic, curvy… outgoing. They were certainly an odd couple, as everyone who saw them holding hands made sure to comment. Even the teachers didn't seem to get it.

Luckily Yang's dad didn't have a problem with him. That meeting may have gone extremely well, but it was for all the wrong reasons.

"_This is the guy? I mean, I was worried when I heard you were dating someone at Beacon, but he looks like you could break him in half. Sure, I'm cool with him so long as he doesn't treat you badly. In any case, I'm not worried anymore. Have fun, kids."_

Mr. Xiao Long may have approved in his own weird and backhanded way, but it did little to boost Jaune's confidence. Honestly, Yang was too good for him. She was hot, she was outgoing, and she was even tougher than he was. There just wasn't much that he brought to the table.

Sighing, Jaune took his place above the bar. Next to him, Yang frowned.

"Something wrong, Lover Boy?"

Yes. "No."

"C'mon, you know you can tell me! I won't judge. What's on your mind?"

That was another thing about Yang – she was good at reading people. Like, really good. Either that or he was just easy to read… huh. Suddenly, it made sense why his dad never let him play during the Arc family poker night anymore.

You lose a couple hundred lien to the family down the street and you never live it down. Who would have thought? It was only June's college money. Honestly, it was their fault for being drunk enough to let a fourteen-year-old play a hand.

Shaking that thought from his head, Jaune turned back to his girlfriend, putting on a fake smile. "Oh, I was just… wondering when I would be able to lift as much as you."

"Well, with the rate you're lifting? Probably a few years."

Well, that was disheartening.

"That's actually really good, you know."

Oh, damn, he said that out loud. "What's so good about it?"

"Well, normally it'd take a lot longer to get there. But you've got a lot of aura, so that will really help cut down the time it takes to start lifting really heavy."

She beckoned him closer, then whispered into his ear. "Also, you know what they say about guys with a lot of aura."

Oh, he did. She only told him that whenever they spent the night together.

Unfortunately, that also involved her telling everybody else in the dorm. Yang was the least subtle person in Beacon, and her sex life was no exception.

He felt a sudden pressure on his ass, and heard Yang chuckle. Oh yeah, that was a thing, too – Yang was aggressive in bed. She really liked to be in control and assert her dominance.

Still, it wouldn't hurt to ask, just in case she changed her mind this time. If nothing else, his pelvis would appreciate the effort.

"Can I be on top this time?"

"Not until you can squat 800."

Well, that would be a lot easier if his pelvis wasn't constantly being broken.

"Just for that, I'm going to go twice as hard tonight."

Damn it, he really needed to make sure he kept his thoughts to himself. Sighing, Jaune settled into deadlift position, quietly apologizing to his hips the whole time.

* * *

The worst day of the week was always the day after leg day. The pain from leg day didn't set in until the day after, and even with aura, it was still highly uncomfortable at best.

That night, Jaune laid in bed, tossing and turning as he tried his best to make the pain in his thighs die down. Apparently, it got better with experience and practice, but for a new lifter such as him, it was unbearable. To make matters worse, it was a school night, meaning he would have to suffer through the next day like this as well. So, a day of school starting with Port's class, then going into Oobleck's class, all while his legs screamed in agony and he tried his best not to pass out because he didn't get enough sleep the night before. Jaune may not have believed in the Gods beyond taking their names in vain when he was pissed, but he was pretty sure that he now had a good idea what Hell was like.

After about an hour of tossing and turning, Jaune finally managed to find a position that felt comfortable. He sighed, then pulled his covers over himself and closed his eyes, doing his best to fall asleep.

He was just about to drift off when he heard the door open.

_Oh, come on!_

He was just about to turn and tell whoever was trying to break into his room to piss off when he heard them approach him, then stop at the foot of his bed.

"Jaune, you up?"

Oh, it was just Yang. Jaune sighed, then turned to face her, wincing as he did so.

"Yeah, I'm up. Something wrong?"

She bit her lip. "...Can't sleep."

He blinked. What did she want him to do about it? This was like a kid waking up their parents because they had a nightmare. What, was he supposed to get her some warm milk or something? Hell, with those tits and that semblance, she could literally get _herself _a glass of warm milk!

That being said, he still had a duty as her boyfriend to do something, even if he didn't know what that something was.

"How can I help?

"...Could I sleep with you for tonight?"

Jaune felt his heart skip a beat. "...You, uh, want to sleep together?"

"Yes."

"Like, with everyone else in the room?"

"Not like that, idiot! I meant sleeping together as in _literally _sleeping together!"

"Oh. Well, I guess, though the bed's a little-"

She didn't wait to hear more, instead climbing into bed with him. Jaune felt himself be pushed to the very edge of the mattress in the process.

"-Small," he finished.

Yang flashed him a small smile. "Thanks, Lover Boy."

She kissed him on the cheek, and Jaune felt his heart melt. Okay, this wasn't so bad.

"Goodnight, Yang."

"Goodnight, Jaune."

With that, he turned on his side and closed his eyes, once again trying to drift off.

He had almost made it when he felt Yang wrap her arms around his waist and pull him close.

"...Uh, Yang?"

"Yes?"

"What are you doing?"

"Spooning."

"...But I'm the small spoon right now."

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, shouldn't I be the big spoon? I mean, I'm the guy."

"Oh, don't worry about it – I actually like being the big spoon."

That wasn't what he meant, but as long as she was happy, he guessed he was fine. There was one big problem, though.

"Yang, you're hot."

She giggled. "Gee, aren't you a lady killer?"

"No, I mean you're literally hot, like I'm sweating up a storm here. I don't think-"

"Jaune, what's more important? Me or having to do some laundry tomorrow?"

Well, she had him there. He sighed. "...Alright, fine, I'll just sleep without covers. Won't need 'em anyway."

"That's the spirit!"

With that, Jaune threw all the covers over her, leaving himself with nothing except his girlfriend's body heat. Even then, it was still too much – at this point, his bed felt like the sun in a pizza oven.

_Damn semblance…_

Still, it was manageable. He would do anything to keep her happy, and this was no exception. Closing his eyes, Jaune once again tried to fall asleep.

"Hey, Jaune?"

He sighed tiredly. "Yes, Yang?"

"Do you love me?"

"You know I do."

"...Can you promise me something, then?"

"Sure. What is it?"

"Promise me you won't leave. Promise me this will be forever."

Well, shit, that was a tough one. As much as he loved Yang, they hadn't been dating for more than a few months, and they were still just teenagers. Forever was a very long time when you both weren't even eighteen yet.

Jaune hesitated. "I-"

"Promise me!" Yang said frantically. She sniffled. "I c-can't… can't have someone else I love abandon me..."

Oh, come on, this was just unfair. What was he supposed to do, say that this was probably just a teenage relationship that wouldn't last? Sure, it was honest, but it was also the biggest dick move he could possibly do. Doing that would make him into a pariah overnight. Literally the only way he could ever get away with it is if he was a hot girl, in which case there would no doubt be an army of simps insisting that this hypothetical she-Jaune had done nothing wrong, but do you really think someone would do that? Just make a terrible character who did terrible things and still insist that everything was okay with her? Come on, his life may have been a complete joke, but even he wasn't written that poorly. He hadn't quite reached Blake levels yet, and he was intent on staying that way.

That aside, it was also highly likely to end with him getting clobbered, which was another reason to avoid it.

Jaune swallowed nervously. "Y-yeah, babe. Forever and a day, and all that..."

He winced as soon as the words left his mouth. Next to him, Yang sighed happily.

"Thanks, Jaune. I love you."

"L-love you too, Yang."

Oh Gods, what had he just signed up for? What next, was she going to start naming their kids? Drawing up wedding plans, maybe? Hell, what if she actually proposed to him? She certainly seemed like the kind of girl who would do it – she was, after all, the one to approach him and ask him out, and that was a big enough hit to his masculinity. If she was the one to propose, he would never hear the end of it.

Why was he thinking that far ahead, anyway? They were both seventeen! This wasn't some bad rom-com, where teenage romance lasts forever! This was real life! His mom had even told him that his first girlfriend wouldn't be his last girlfriend! He had a breakup speech prepared and everything, just in case!

Jaune sighed. This was getting out of hand. As much as he loved Yang, something was going to have to be done.

She suddenly let out a small snore, then shifted, pressing her breasts against his back. Jaune paused when he realized that she wasn't wearing a bra.

...Okay, something _would _be done. Just… you know, not tonight. And probably not the next night, or the one after that.

_Damn my teenage hormones and my love for big titties. _

He just couldn't help it. It was a well-known fact of life that all straight men and all gay women at Beacon couldn't get enough of Yang's chest… or, as it was known among the general student body, the Holy Land. A crude descriptor, but not an inaccurate one – he had, after all, seen them uncovered, and he would certainly liken it to a holy experience.

With a sigh, he closed his eyes, and once again waited for sleep to take him. Just before he drifted off, a random thought occurred to him.

_Somehow, I feel like my love for big breasts is going to be my undoing._

* * *

"Remind me again why we're here?"

Yang lightly cuffed him on the shoulder, a grin on her face. "Lighten up, Lover Boy – we're just here to have a good time."

Apparently, they had different definitions of the phrase 'good time'. Jaune's was more in line with eating sugary breakfast cereal, staying up late, and playing video games. And if their current location was any indication, Yang's was more in-line with going to seedy bars, dancing to ear-bursting music, and slamming alcoholic beverages.

At the thought of that last part, Jaune stared at the glass in front of him. Both of them were underage, but of course that hadn't stopped Yang at all – she had immediately ordered a Strawberry Sunrise (with one of the little umbrellas, of course – he couldn't forget to mention that; the bartender certainly hadn't) and then told Jaune to order something, anything he wanted, because it was on the house.

He had been prepared to argue that, but the bartender had quickly assured him that it was true, though the dirty look he sent Yang's way only confirmed that this was anything but goodwill on his part.

Still, not wanting to squander this opportunity and/or spit in the face of his hot girlfriend's "generosity", Jaune had decided to order something… and had immediately been faced with the problem of _what _to order, because he didn't know shit about alcohol. His first instinct was to order the same thing that Yang had, but he had quickly buried that somewhere deep in his mind – she was already manlier than him in every other aspect except dick size, and the last thing he wanted was to add taste in alcoholic beverages to that list. So instead, he had opted for something his father was fond of: a smoked old fashioned, whatever the hell it was.

The first indication that he had made a mistake was when the glass arrived smelling a bit like a cigar. The second indication was when he had taken a sip from it and immediately had to force it down, followed by sputtering and gasping for air.

How did people drink this stuff for fun? It was like swallowing a mouthful of rubbing alcohol somebody had dumped a cigarette butt into, with an admittedly somewhat pleasant citrusy aftertaste. Thankfully, Yang hadn't seen him do it, distracted as she was by chugging her fourth Sunrise; he wasn't sure he could deal with the ribbing she would give him if she had noticed.

Sparing one last drink at his glass, Jaune pushed it away, though that was probably a mistake as the bartender gave him a _very _nasty look in the process. Jaune only noticed it for a second before he felt an arm loop around his shoulders, followed by breath on his ear.

"Hey~"

He sighed tiredly. "Yes, Yang?"

"I j-jus- _hic –_ wanna say, you-_you're _the best," she said.

"Thank you, Yang," he deadpanned.

"N-nah, I mean it," she added. "Y'see, all these other peeps, they go and just _leave. _They just _leave."_

Oh, great – it was time for the abandonment issues talk again. Well, might as well settle in for it.

"M-my mom, is a _huge _bitch," Yang growled. "She just left me, y'know?"

"I know."

"Yeah, y'know. Didn' even pay child support or nuthin'. Makes me real sad… n' mad. Might have to go punch something later."

He hoped to the Gods that it was a pillow this time. Last time it had been Pyrrha's special coffee maker (it burned Yang's hand so she punched it), and you did _not _want to see a Pyrrha who hadn't had her special Mistralian coffee blend in the morning – not only did she pound Team CRDL into the dirt during Combat Class, but even more heinous for her, she didn't even say sorry afterwards. Truly an out-of-character moment for the ages.

Yang suddenly sniffled, and Jaune sighed.

"Come here," he said.

She quickly settled into his lap, and he froze. Okay, not what he meant, but he wouldn't complain. Shaking himself out of his thoughts, he said, "Yang, you know I love you."

"I know."

"And you know I would never leave you."

"I know."

"Okay. Just wanted to make that clear."

She nodded, then stared into his eyes. Suddenly, she giggled, causing him to raise an eyebrow.

"What's funny?"

"N-nuthin', I just realized… You look like my dad!"

Oh, great – he was hoping he could go his whole life without someone pointing that out.

"So, does that mean I can call you Daddy now?"

Specifically because of that reason.

"Do that and I actually _will _leave."

Her jaw dropped. She quickly slugged him in the chest, causing him to grunt. "Jerk!" she said, crossing her arms and turning away. "Don't joke about that!"

"S-sorry..." he wheezed.

Thankfully, her bad mood disappeared as quickly as it came. "Ah, that's okay – you didn' mean it! C'mere!"

And then, before he could do anything, she planted a sloppy kiss on his lips. Yang held him there for a few seconds before pulling away, a sultry look in her eye.

"W-what's say-" She hiccuped. "-You and I go in back for some… uh…" She scratched her head, searching for the right term. Finally, she shrugged. "Fuck it, I wanna have sexual relations!"

"I'm not carrying a condom on me."

"Then put it in my ass!"

A tempting offer, however there was one problem. "I don't have any lube."

"It's fiiiine; my semblance is fueled by damage! A little painal won't be a problem for me, so come ooooon!"

Yeah, that wasn't happening; if there was one thing he had learned about Yang, it was that she tended to bite off more than she could chew, like the first time she had ever tried deepthroating him. Sure, she could _claim _she didn't have a gag reflex, but then again, she hadn't seen what he had been packing.

Sounds like a good time, right? Yeah, no. It's all fun and games until your girl tries taking you down to the balls, only to end up sprinting to the bathroom because it turns out she's not nearly as capable as her favorite porn star.

He wasn't sure who 'XxXC0ldH3artH0tL0v3XxX69XxXHateJacquesGele8==D~' was, but them and their incredibly attractive flowing white hair could go fuck themselves for making it look so easy.

_Then again, she seems to do that for a living, if those videos Yang shows me are any indication._

And that was another problem – you'd think that having a girlfriend who invited you over to watch porn and masturbate with her would be awesome, but it ended up being awkward more than anything. Thankfully the awkwardness only tended to last as long as it took for them to get fed up with jerking it and just start fucking instead, but still, that didn't make the first minute and a half of sexy times any more bearable.

Gently shrugging his girlfriend's arm off his shoulder, Jaune fixed her with a harsh stare. "You're drunk, Yang."

She simply giggled. "That obvious, huh?" Leaning in, she rested her head on his shoulder, pouting at him. "C'mon, Jaune – I'm sooooo horny."

Good Gods, this was hard, and not just in the figurative sense. Still, he had his principles, and he wasn't about to sleep with Yang when she was drunk – it just didn't feel right of him to do.

"Look, why don't we just head back to Beacon?" he offered. "I think you need to sleep for a bit."

"Only if you sleep with me!"

He rolled his eyes. "Fine, but I get to be the big spoon this time."

"Oh, is that so? Well, I'm not that – _hic – _drunk, so you'll have to fight me for it!"

He was doubtful that she would even remember saying that in the next few minutes, but sure, he would agree to it if it meant getting her out of the club and into a nice warm bed.

Stepping off of his barstool, he moved over to Yang, slinging her arm over his shoulder and letting her lean on him as he started to walk.

"C'mon, babe – let's get you back to Beacon."

She merely giggled in response, resting her head on his shoulder. Jaune rolled his eyes, but found a small grin crossing his face nonetheless.

It faded when a bunch of suited men stepped in front of him, blocking his way out.

Immediately, he paused. "Uh, Yang?"

"Yeees, Lover Boy?"

"How come these Agent Smith-looking guys are stopping us from leaving?"

"That would be my doing," the bartender said, stepping into view. He folded his arms across his chest, and glared at the two of them from behind his sunglasses.

"Ah," Jaune said. "...You, ah, got a reason for that, or…?"

"Obviously. What, you think I make it a habit to just stop young women from leaving?"

"...Kind of? I mean, you've got those two scantily-clad twins, so..."

"They're my enforcers!"

"Is that what we're calling it these days?"

One of the girls in question – the one in white, with long hair – scowled at him, taking a step forward. Instantly, Jaune took a step back, swallowing nervously… though it was unneeded, as Yang moved in front of him, scowling.

"Hands off the merchandise, sisters," the blonde threatened. "That's _my _man."

Wow, that was actually kind of sweet of her. He was honestly flattered.

"I'm the only one who gets to dom him."

Never mind.

The bartender cleared his throat. "Look, can we get this show on the road already? I'd like to start beating you up now."

"As if," Yang said with a scoff. "Now c'mere so I can crush your balls."

"Ha! So you think. Unfortunately for you, I have a secret weapon – an athletic cup! What do you think of _that, _Xiao Long?"

Yang blinked in surprise before raising one of her gauntlets and firing a slug directly at Junior's crotch. He stood there and took it, and for a moment everything was fine… until it wasn't. A second passed before he was on the ground in a ball, whimpering and clutching at his groin.

Yeah, he probably should have expected that – much like wearing a bulletproof vest, aura and a cup wasn't enough to fully protect from the sensation of being shot in such a sensitive area. It would have been sad if it wasn't so funny and so well-deserved.

"Somebody… kill them..." Junior wheezed.

Oh, come on! What did _he _do, besides come here with the wrong person? What, did she blow up the bar or something?

"This is for blowing up the bar!" one of the men shouted, whipping a pistol out from inside his suit.

_Fuck me, I hate being right, _Jaune mused as bullets started flying.

Naturally, he was out of his element very quickly. Jaune may not have been as bad as he was at the start of the semester, but he wasn't _good_ either, and he certainly didn't know what to do against an entire onslaught of dudes trying to gun him down… unlike Yang, who seemed to be having the time of her life, bouncing from bad guy to bad guy, knocking them out as fast as she got to them. Apparently, being drunk did more than just drain her of all inhibitions – it also supercharged her semblance something fierce, if the craters she was leaving in the floor and walls were any indication.

Well, that was that handled, then. As he watched Yang literally beat a man with another man, he allowed himself to relax slightly, figuring the situation was out of control. Unfortunately, there were two factors he didn't count on.

A tap on his shoulder startled him, causing him to whip around with his sword and shield at the ready. Thankfully, it was just the twins, and neither one seemed intent on trying to kill him at the moment, much to his surprise.

"Uh, can I help you?" he asked.

They just giggled in response. "I think I like this one, Melanie," the girl in red said.

"He _is _pretty cute, Miltia," the one in white observed.

Well, that was flattering. Unfortunately, he knew exactly what they were trying to pull.

"I'm not breaking up with Yang," he deadpanned.

"Why not?!" Miltia complained. "We're way better than blondie!"

"Sorry, but she makes me happy."

"We can make you happy, too! What, is it because she's a dom, and that's rare in a woman?" Melanie proclaimed.

"Uh..."

"Well, we can be _way _bigger doms!" Miltia added.

"That's not-"

"It's true!" Melanie protested. Scanning him up and down, she nodded. "Yeah, come on in back and we'll show you."

Tempting offer, but of course he was going to have to refuse. "Sorry, but no."

"You know, most guys know when not to play hard-to-get," Miltia observed.

"I'm not playing hard-to-get, I'm trying to outright refuse whatever you're offering. And you're making it pretty easy with how forceful you're being."

"Don't you like dominant women?"

"You don't really get a choice with Yang, you know."

The two exchanged a glance with each other before turning back to him. "...So that's a yes, then," Miltia said. "Otherwise you wouldn't stay with her."

...Okay, maybe it was a guilty pleasure of his; it was hard to complain that a girl was too dominant when she was in the process of pinning you down and riding you like a pony.

"Obviously, that's the case," Melanie said, nodding. "Therefore, we need to be even more dominant."

Alright, this was going on too far. One more misstep and he was going to stop playing nice and just call Yang over already.

"Miltia, get the strap-on."

That did it.

"YANG, HELP! THE CREEPY FEMDOM TWINS WANT MY ASS!" Jaune shouted.

With a roar, Yang launched herself at the twins, the three of them colliding in a massive explosion before devolving into a full-on brawl. Jaune took the opportunity to slink away and watch from afar. Sure, he _could _have tried to jump in and help her… but as he watched Yang suplex Miltia into Melanie, he decided that the worst possible thing he could do was interrupt her fun.

Thankfully, it was over as soon as it started. The club was demolished, but Yang was victorious. She stood over her fallen enemies, all of them having been brutalized. The blonde brawler was panting heavily and dripping with sweat.

Tentatively, Jaune approached her. "Uh, Yang? You okay?"

Immediately, she snapped to face him, a tired yet satisfied look on her face that only lit up even more when she saw him. "Yang okay!"

Oh, great – she was talking like a caveman. That could only mean one thing.

"Uh, that's great," Jaune said, taking a fright-filled step backwards. "L-listen, the fight's over, so you can come off your adrenaline high now."

It was no use – instead, she scanned him over like he was a piece of meat, then slowly licked her lips.

"Yang want celebrate winning fight by breaking boyfriend in half," she declared.

And there it was. Unfortunately for him, there was only one way to deal with an adrenaline-high Yang, and that was to just give in. If there was one thing he had learned, it was that running just made things worse – she _would _catch you, the sex _would _happen, so you might as well save your energy and try to keep up.

That's what he gets for dating a meathead, he supposed.

Sighing, Jaune just nodded. "Okay, let's do it."

That was all she needed to pounce on him. Thankfully, it wasn't all bad – at least now he could cross 'Having sex with a drunk, hotheaded, out-of-it blonde in the middle of a destroyed bar and surrounded by unconscious people she just beat the shit out of' off his bucket list.

He just hoped Junior didn't mind paying for stain removal on top of renovations, because this was going to be a messy one.

* * *

"So, I think I should mention that it's pretty big. Gotta be nine-and-a-half, ten inches? Hard to tell, but it definitely _feels _big when it's inside me. Quite girthy, too."

Jaune groaned, slamming his head into the cafeteria table as he wished that he was anywhere but here.

Another thing about Yang was that she had absolutely no shame. She would gladly talk about anything if she thought it would be funny, up to and including the nights the two of them spent together.

And judging by the mortified reactions on nearly everyone's face, as well as her smug grin, she was getting exactly what she wanted.

"Can you please not talk about this while we're eating?" Weiss said, a disgusted look on her face.

"Someone's a bit jealous~" Yang teased.

"Wha- _jealous?! _Of _you?! _Why would I ever be jealous of you?!"

"Easy: because despite all your fame and fortune, _I'__m _the only one out of the two of us thatcan actually get a man."

"T-that's…!" Weiss huffed, crossing her arms. "I'll have you know that I could get a man if I wanted."

"Okay, so do it."

"...Right now?"

"Yeah. Prove me wrong."

"...I don't want to."

"Sounds an awful lot like 'I can't'."

"I can!"

"Jaune, back me up."

And there it was. Whenever she got into a ridiculous argument, Yang tended to call on him for backup for some reason. Normally he would have just sat back, but now that they were sleeping together, he felt obligated to help her out whenever she asked.

"She's got you dead to rights, Weiss."

"What?! Jaune, _you _tried to ask me out!"

"Yeah, but then I found someone better."

"Aww!" Yang said, leaning in and smooching him on the cheek. "See that, Weiss? That's romance." She smirked. "And, if I must say, it's also your loss, and I'm not just talking about our argument."

The heiress threw her hands up in exasperation. "That's it, I'm eating on the roof."

She walked off. Yang watched her go, then pumped her fist in victory.

This was actually a daily occurrence for the two of them – Yang made it a point to annoy Weiss at least once a day, as revenge for how the heiress had treated Jaune when he tried to ask her out. Jaune, for his part, had tried to get her to stop… half-heartedly.

Hey, he may have liked Weiss, but she could be a cold-hearted bitch sometimes. Maybe being taunted by Yang would help her warm up a bit.

At that thought, he groaned. Yang, it seemed, was rubbing off on him… and not just in bed. _Damn my girlfriend and her terrible jokes._

Across from them, Blake cleared her throat. Jaune noticed that she was holding a pad of paper in her hand, along with a pen. Both her hands were shaking, and she had a luminescent blush on her face. "S-so… what happened next?"

Yang grinned widely. "Why, I thought you'd never ask!"

"What?!" Ruby shouted, still desperately trying to shake Ren's hands off her ears. It was no use, though – at the same time, Nora had her in a headlock, and the hammer-wielder's grip was iron-clad.

It was probably a bit overkill, but Jaune wasn't about to bring that up to Yang. Despite how crazy Yang could get in bed and how little she cared about whether the whole school knew about it, the one thing she wanted to avoid was ruining her sister's innocence.

Never mind that it was a battle that had been lost before it had even started, because according to Ruby herself, she had gone through sex ed just like everyone else and therefore knew how it all worked already, but none of them wanted to bring that up to Yang. One time, Cardin had purposely tried to push Yang's buttons by leaving a porn mag on Ruby's desk, presumably because he was upset that she had humiliated him in a spar.

That had been weeks ago, and he was still walking around wearing a cup, just in case Yang came after him again.

Idly, Jaune silently thanked the Gods that Yang used her nut-demolishing powers for good rather than evil, and also that she was pretty vanilla in bed and very much didn't like cock-and-ball torture. It would probably have been a deal breaker if she had been into that.

'Probably' because the Holy Land was very good at convincing him to stick around. As far as he was concerned, taking a shot or five to the nuts would be worth getting to motorboat Yang every night. But thankfully he didn't have to go through that, so it was a win-win.

...But still, if she ever tried to float the idea, he would definitely have to weigh the pain of getting kicked in the dick with the pain of not being able to fuck the hottest blonde in Beacon.

Anyway, ignoring her sister's comment, Yang turned towards her partner. "So, like I was saying, it's pretty big, right? Like, I'm no gynecologist, but I'm pretty sure I can feel it hitting against my cervix with every thrust."

Jaune was pretty sure that was actually supposed to be extremely painful, despite what his animated Mistralian pornographic cartoons tried to tell him.

Blake had stars in her eyes. "J-just like one of my Mistralian erotic books!" she breathed as she scribbled something down on her paper.

Not that Blake cared, degenerate pervert she was.

Pyrrha fidgeted slightly in her seat. "Y-Yang, I don't know if this is appropriate..."

"Of course it isn't appropriate, that's why it's so fun!" Yang proclaimed. "So, anyway..."

Jaune tuned the rest of his girlfriend's story out, instead sending his partner an apologetic look. Pyrrha was clearly mortified and embarrassed about this whole situation – why, if Jaune didn't know any better, he'd say that she was on the verge of tears. Poor girl; he'd have to make it up to her somehow. Maybe he could let her wear his hoodie? He had walked in on her wearing it once, which would have been weird, but it was such an exceptionally cozy piece of clothing that he didn't blame her for it.

Though, for some reason, it smelled like sex after he got it back, which was weird because he had never worn it when he was in bed with Yang.

Come to think of it, it was also weird that Pyrrha had been wearing it in the bathroom…

Ah well, he was sure that there was a logical explanation for it, even if he wasn't sure what it was.

Across from him, Ruby let out a loud grunt of exertion as she once again tried to shake Nora off of her. Jaune just sighed.

"Might as well give it a rest, Crater Face – Yang bribed Nora with sap from the Forever Fall, so she's not about to let you go until Yang gives the word."

"What?!"

Again, he sighed.

Was it too much to ask for just one normal day at Beacon?

* * *

Apparently, if the next day was any indication, it was.

Breakfast had passed by without incident. That should have been enough of a hint that Yang was planning something crazy; Jaune had been dating her for long enough that he knew if she didn't periodically do something outrageous, that it would build up until the pressure became too much for her to bear and she blew her top – sometimes literally, to his delight – in some ludicrous situation that got them both in trouble.

His second hint should have been when she had sent him a text shortly before Combat Class, requesting that the two of them sit together in one of the upper rows, towards the back of the classroom. Jaune had seen enough cliché teen movies to know that nothing good ever happened in the upper rows, but he wasn't dumb enough to say no to his girlfriend – his love life had been nothing but years of getting rejected and occasionally pepper sprayed by girls he tried to ask out, and he wasn't about to screw up his relationship with one of the hottest girls in school by pissing her off.

Also, he knew that Yang had a complex or something about people turning their backs on her due to her family problems, and the last thing he wanted was to exacerbate said complex by doing exactly that. After all, it'd be a pretty shitty thing for him to do if he just up and left an emotionally vulnerable girl when he knew that was her biggest fear. He'd especially have to be a real asshole to do that to the girl he loved and had spent months basically living with, sharing their biggest secrets, desires, and vulnerabilities with each other.

Huh. How come he felt like punching Blake in the face all of a sudden?

Pushing that thought away, Jaune focused on Combat Class. He was still apprehensive about it, but honestly, how bad could it be? Yang did crazy stuff, sure, but she knew his tolerance limits… for the most part.

He wasn't sure what had possessed her to try and have sex while riding Bumblebee, nor was he sure what had come over him to accept such a ridiculous proposal, but that had been months ago, and he still had road rash on his ass. Never again.

Anyway, Goodwitch's class had started the same as it always did – with her calling two saps down to duke it out while the rest of the class cheered them on and also took under-the-table bets on who would win. How Goodwitch didn't realize that was going on, he had no idea. Maybe she was in on it or something.

"Hey, Jaune."

Jaune exhaled through his nose. "Yes, Yang?"

"Try not to be too loud."

"What are you- _ah!"_

He suddenly clamped his hand over his mouth to keep from crying out any louder. Horrified, he looked down at his groin, only to see that Yang was rubbing him through his pants. He glanced over at her, only to see her with the biggest shit-eating grin on her face.

"I warned you~"

"W-what are you – ah! – d-doing?!"

"Getting you off, obviously."

"W-we're in Combat- _mmph!_"

She giggled. "Yeah, _that's _what I like to hear. Be a good boy and moan for me, babe."

"Are you crazy?!" Jaune whispered. "What if we get caught?"

"We won't if you keep it down. Besides, don't act like you aren't loving this."

He wasn't. This was a boner of fear, not arousal. If Goodwitch caught them, that would be it. He would probably be expelled, and Yang… well, he wasn't sure, but somehow he doubted that she would have too much trouble.

If there was one thing Jaune Arc had learned during his time at Beacon, it was that he couldn't get away with anything, no matter how small.

...Not that any part of this was _small, _mind; he was at least a hundred and thirty percent erect right now. But still.

He felt Yang start to tug on his zipper and suddenly clamped his hand around her wrist, stopping her. "No!"

She blinked. "Okay, so you _want _to jizz in your pants?"

"I don't want to jizz _period _right now! Can't you wait until after class?!"

"I could, but where's the fun in that?" She pouted. "You know, I was kind of hoping you'd try to get me off at the same time. I mean, I figured you probably wouldn't, but if nothing else I thought you'd be smart enough to at least enjoy the free handjob."

Normally, he did – Yang's handjobs were _godlike. _Damn, her right hand was amazing. Hopefully nothing bad happened to it in the near future.

Bit of an odd thought, but for some reason he couldn't imagine, it seemed weirdly appropriate.

"It's tough to enjoy it when it's happening in the middle of class!" he protested.

"Well, if it's so tough to enjoy, then why are you so hard?"

"That's not how it works, Yang! The D has a mind of its own! Let go!"

"Quit being a baby and pull your damn pants down!"

"No!"

"Look, unless you want to cum in your pants-"

"As opposed to what, cumming on the bottom of the desk?!"

"...Well, given the two options-"

"No, Yang!"

"Mister Arc!" Professor Goodwitch shouted, making both of them freeze. Slowly, they turned to face her. She glared at them both sternly. "If you're done doing _whatever _it is you're doing with Miss Xiao Long, would you kindly hurry up and report to the center of the ring?"

Jaune felt his heart skip a beat. "...Uh, why do you need me down there?"

Goodwitch sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Because the randomizer picked you as one of the combatants."

Jaune glanced up at the monitor. Sure enough, there was his name on one end. Normally, he'd relish in the inevitable incoming asskicking since it would earn him a sympathy BJ or three from his hot big tiddy blonde biker GF, but there was a not-so-small problem going on in his pants at the moment.

Goodwitch tapped her foot impatiently. "Now, why don't you stop wasting everyone's time and get down here?"

_Uh oh. _"Uh… can I have a minute?"

"No."

Well, this was bad. He either stayed seated and risked pissing Goodwitch off even more, or he stood up and let everyone know that they were all going to have six more weeks of winter.

Given the options, his choice was obvious.

_Think, Jaune! Boner repellent! Dead kittens! That time you walked in on Mom sucking off Dad when you were nine! Turning your head and coughing during the school physical! Old women! _Really _old women, with missing eyes and a tin of cashews! Port in a Speedo!_

"Mister Arc, get down here right now or else!"

Well, he tried. He cast a glance over at Yang, telling her that he would have his revenge at some point in the future. To her credit, she seemed apologetic. Sighing, Jaune accepted his fate and stood up.

The entire class went dead silent. Even Professor Goodwitch paused, staring at him in open-mouthed shock. Pyrrha blushed heavily and started to rub her legs together. The mute girl from Mistral held up a sign that said 'Why do I hear boss music'. Scarlet fanned himself rapidly and said 'Oh, my~'. For a moment, everything seemed okay.

Then Nora broke the silence.

"Hey Jauney, is that a sword in your pants, or is that a massive erection in your pants, which would be totally inappropriate and awkward given the current situation?"

_Damn it, Nora._

Laughter broke out throughout the entire class. Jaune felt the last vestiges of his soul wither up and die along with the remnants of his reputation.

Not that he had much of a reputation to begin with given his win/loss record in Combat Class, but still.

Professor Goodwitch cleared her throat. "Y-yes, well… if you could just report to the arena, Mister Arc..."

Jaune sighed, then began to walk down towards the center of the room, holding his head high despite being surrounded by jeering classmates, and despite the fact that each step was causing his tombstone to uncomfortably brush against his zipper.

Truly, he couldn't get away with nothin', even if it wasn't even his fault. Fate was not only real, she was also a huge bitch. But he would have his revenge. Yang would rue the day she accidentally made him a laughingstock.

But first he had to get his ass kicked by… oh, damn it, it was the weird girl from Mistral, the one who was still a first-year at age twenty-four because she kept getting held back, Cinder Autumn or something.

Cinder smirked as he stepped into the ring. "I'm going to wipe that look from your face, and that erection from your pants."

_Fuck it, my reputation is already in the toilet. Might as well have fun with it and fight batshit crazy with batshit crazy. _

"Now, now, Cinder – let's watch our words. After all," he motioned to his crotch, "We wouldn't want to turn you from a dom into a sub, now would we?"

The third-degree burns were worth having the crowd laughing with him rather than at him for all of five seconds. At least his aura could heal burns.

His reputation, though, was beyond salvaging.

* * *

"Ow!"

"Oh, don't be such a baby."

"Easy for you to say..." Jaune grumbled, settling down into his seat on his bed. He was tempted to cross his arms but resisted, knowing it would just aggravate his burns.

Yang pat him on the head. "Cheer up, Lover Boy. It's not all bad."

"What do you-" Jaune cut himself off with a hiss as Yang rubbed more salve onto a burn on his back.

The brawler rolled her eyes. "Look, I said I was sorry, didn't I?"

"Yeah."

"And I _also _said that I'd make it up to you, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did."

"Well, I'm not sure if you noticed, but we're the only ones in the dorm, it's a Friday night, and you're already naked."

He was, in fact, already naked – a side effect of having burns over seventy-five percent of his body. Apparently, Cinder had appreciated his little comment even less than he thought she would.

Joke's on her, though – he had seen the grade she had gotten on Oobleck's last test. She could burn him all she wanted, but it wouldn't stop her from being held back another year.

_Get fucked, you dumb bitch. You may have sent me to the hospital, but at least I won't still be a first-year when I'm in my twenties._

Pushing that thought from his head, Jaune turned back to Yang. "Okay, so what did you have in mind? As much as I'd like to sleep with you, I don't think that's the best idea right now."

"Clearly not," she replied, rubbing the back of her head. "You know, you really only have yourself to blame – Cinder Balls or whatever her name is wouldn't have gone so hard on you if you hadn't said that to her."

"Yeah, but it was funny and I needed something to distract me from the feeling of having my soul crushed due to my reputation taking a massive dive."

"…I mean, 'massive' is relative..."

"Yang."

"...Okay, too far. But the point is, it's really your own fault… but I still want to make it up to you."

"And what was your plan?"

She simply smirked. "Close your eyes and lay down."

Jaune raised an eyebrow but did as he was told, wincing as he moved and felt his burns start to scream at him. After several seconds, he was finally lying flat against the bed. Next to him, he felt Yang stand up.

"Hopefully this is enough of an apology, Lover Boy~"

_Man, she's really into this, _Jaune thought to himself. _Wonder what she's- OZPIN'S COFFEE!_

Yup, that was a blowjob… a really, _really _good blowjob. She was really giving it her all. Jaune groaned, bucking his hips as he grabbed twin handfuls of the bedsheets in an attempt to keep himself anchored. It wasn't enough; he was in Heaven right now. Nirvana had been achieved. He had opened the Gate and found the entrance to God's domain, where alchemical secrets awaited and no mortals were meant to tread.

With his eyes tightly screwed shut, Jaune blindly reached out, looking for something to hold onto before he completely lost himself. After a few seconds of struggling, his hands found purchase on something… light and fluffy, yet incredibly warm?

_Why does this feel familiar?_

He only had to wonder that for a second before a fist caught him on the underside of his chin, sending him rocketing through the wall to JNPR's dorm.

"Don't pull my hair!" he heard Yang scream as he flew.

He crashed through the first wall, soared across the hall, and then broke through the wall on the other side before finally being stopped by a bookcase. He lay there, groaning, his burns shouting at him in agony, now joined by the pain of several broken bones and a horrifically ruined orgasm.

He barely had time to wonder where he had ended up before a scream rang out. Cracking one eye open, Jaune found himself staring at Ruby.

And Ruby, meanwhile, was staring at his crotch, her eyes wide with fear.

"Bad touch!" she screamed, reaching for her scythe. "My body is a temple!"

Jaune had no time to explain himself before the Gravity Dust round impacted directly beneath him, sending him flying out the window. He landed in a heap down in Beacon's courtyard, groaning in agony.

"Hey, look! It's the Arc kid! Let's all take pictures of his misery and post them online!"

As he lay there in blinding pain, scrolls going off all around him and his dick pointed up in the air, Jaune had but one thought on his mind.

_No sex is worth this hell._

Just before he blacked out, Jaune resolved to do something about it.

* * *

"Y-you're breaking up with me?!"

Jaune nodded solemnly. "Yeah, I don't think it's going to work between us."

"B-but why?! I love you!"

The blonde boy cast a glance down at his full-body cast. It had been lovingly decorated by the rest of their friends. Nora had drawn lots of smiley faces on it. Blake had written a haiku about his penis, which was apparently now the talk of the school. Ruby had written an apology for mistaking him for a crazed rapist. Pyrrha had left him her scroll number and a message to call her for a good time. Cardin had simply drawn a line to his groin and written 'Fuck you'.

Turning back to Yang, he shrugged. "You're a hazard to my health, Yang."

"Is that what this is about? It was an accident!"

"Your accident almost killed me, definitely killed my reputation, and then somehow killed my reputation all over again. I'm sorry, but there's only so much I can take."

"T-that's..." Yang sniffled, rubbing at her eyes. "'m sorry..."

Jaune's expression softened. He sighed. "So am I, Yang. You're a great girl, and I really do care about you a lot, but you're just a bit too dangerous for me, you know? There's only so much grievous bodily harm I can take on a daily basis before I call it quits."

He paused. Wow, that… sounded a lot better in his head, actually. Now that he thought about it, it actually made him sound like a bit of a dick – he loved everything about Yang, yet he wasn't willing to go through a little pain and suffering for her? What kind of man did that?

Shaking his head, he turned back to his now ex-girlfriend, who had her head buried in her hands. "Actually, forget that," he said.

Yang looked up at him, sniffling. "F-forget it?"

"Yeah, forget it. All of what I just said? Yeah, that was me being stupid. I love you, Yang. And no matter how many times you send me to the hospital or ruin my reputation, that will never change."

She blinked, then looked away. "D-don't play with my heart..."

"I mean it," Jaune insisted. "I was being stupid, and I'm sorry. You're the best thing to ever happen to a guy like me, and I can't believe I even thought of giving up a relationship for something as stupid as you being tougher than me or consistently embarrassing me or constantly mogging me or being too good for me or me being consistently sent to the emergency room over things that are completely out of my control and that I had no way of seeing, but that could have easily been avoided by simply not being in a relationship with you."

"Oh, Jaune!" Yang shouted, lunging forward and wrapping him in a big hug. "I knew you didn't mean it!" She leaned in, giving him a big kiss on his cheek. "I love you!"

Jaune could only let out a small, pained squeak in response. Currently, his face was squished between his now no-longer-ex-girlfriend's rather sizable breasts, and while he normally would have enjoyed such an experience, this current predicament was rather un-enjoyable. In fact, it was actually rather painful – his lungs were burning, and his spine felt like it was about to pop.

And unfortunately for him, Yang didn't seem to notice, as she was too caught up in babbling about how she was going to be a better girlfriend from now on.

"-And in addition to fixing your reputation by tracking down everybody who took dick pics of your crippled and broken body a few days ago and punting them into next week, I promise I won't ever hurt you again! I'll be more careful – I'll pay attention so that I'll never accidentally injure you, and I won't ever do anything to deliberately put you in danger, and I definitely won't punch you for pulling my hair!"

"Y-Yang..." Jaune managed to choke out.

"In fact, I'll _let _you pull my hair!" Yang said, a bit too proudly. "Hair pulling has always been a hidden fetish of mine, but I value my hair too much to let anyone who isn't Ruby touch it, but since you're my boyfriend I figure you deserve to manhandle it! I promise I won't get mad!"

"Yang, p-please..." Jaune said, now getting desperate as his lungs began to fail on him. Coupled with the series of pops coming from his spine and the black spots dancing on the edge of his vision, he could tell he was in trouble if she didn't loosen her grip soon.

"...Well, okay, I'll only get a little mad, but we'll just turn it into angry sex! You'll finally get to feel dominant, even if I just let you win! You hear that? You'll finally get to be on top for once! It'll be great!"

She tightened her hug ever-so-slightly, but it was more than enough. A loud snap filled the air, followed by a gasp as Jaune's spine and lungs simultaneously gave out. Yang immediately let go of her boyfriend, staring at him in wide-eyed shock as he contorted in pain.

"D-doctor!" she shouted, standing up and running out of the room. "Doctor, help! My boyfriend tried to break up with me, but then we got back together, and then he literally broke up with me by snapping his spine in half!"

Well, she was certainly right about that, even if she had conveniently left out the fact that she was the reason his spine had just broken. And here he was, thinking that it would be deadlifts that eventually made him take the bumpy one-way ride to Snap City, but nope, it was just a bear hug from his hot girlfriend.

That being said, he didn't think he was dying, but it was definitely extremely painful, and to make matters worse, he couldn't feel his legs. Now, he was no doctor, but he had seen a lot of war movies, so he knew that not being able to feel his legs was probably bad.

But you know what? As far as being crippled went, this was honestly not a bad way for it to happen – between being stepped on by a Goliath or something and having his head smashed between Yang's tits, he knew which one he would pick every time.

Too bad he couldn't feel his dick in addition to his legs. Well, that was great – as if he needed more confirmation that he was crippled.

As the realization that his overly affectionate girlfriend had likely just made him into a paraplegic set in, Jaune had only one thought on his mind.

_Gods damn it, Yang._

* * *

**Here's the Yang chapter, now you can all stop asking about it and move on to asking about Neo or something instead.**

**All of Yang's obnoxious gym slogans this chapter come verbatim from Ronnie Coleman, who I am a huge fan of because come on, how can you not be a fan of someone who's squatting like 800 pounds while screaming, "Light weight, baby!" at the top of his lungs in this guttural, screechy voice? **

**Anyway, bodybuilders aside, this chapter was all over the fucking place. Yang had a lot that I had to tackle, and even then I feel like I might have missed some stuff. I initially had Raven included in here somewhere, but she kind of ended up dominating the chapter when she was introduced, so I decided I'd hold back on her this. Kind of a shame, but I just couldn't make it work in tandem with everything else. I'm pretty sure that I'll end up doing another chapter for Yang though, so expect to see Raven there if I do.**

**Also, a bit of a bad end this time. I know I said I was going to give it a rest, but I'll be honest: I can't control the shit that comes flowing onto the page. It kind of has a mind of its own most of the time. **

**Next update: Saturday, June 13.**


	16. As Ancient Mistralians Once Said

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 15: Lie Rin (Ren R63), or: As Ancient Mistralians Once Said

* * *

Jaune liked to think that he wasn't _completely _oblivious. Sure, he had his occasional moments of stupidity, such as not realizing how much Weiss just wasn't into him, but those aside, he had always prided himself on being able to accurately read people. If it weren't for his dick getting in the way, he could probably go his whole life without making an absolute ass of himself. Reading people, after all, had never been that hard for him aside from those times when his hormones had been messing with his head.

Or so he had thought, until he had started dating Rin.

It really shouldn't have been hard, but there was just something about her that made it hard. She was very quiet and unassuming, not to mention stoic. Granted, Nora didn't seem to have a problem when it came to reading her, but then again the two of them had known each other since they were very young kids, so that made sense. It was kind of like how his mother instinctively knew how to tell the twins apart, even though he was pretty sure she had been drunk off of boxed wine for pretty much the entire time the two of them had been little – spend that much time around someone and you'll eventually instinctively learn how to read them. If only he could be so lucky.

Because right now, it was tough to tell exactly what Rin wanted from him.

She was currently lying on her bed, meditating. Jaune, meanwhile, was nose-deep in a comic book, though it was hard to focus with how she kept cracking open her eyes to look at him, only to close them once he looked over in her direction. It was honestly kind of irritating – he kept thinking that she wanted something, but she seemed intent on evading him, forcing him to guess.

Sure, the astute reader out there will probably realize that there was a simple solution to this problem, that being that he just ask her… but dammit, he was a _man, _and at this point it was a competition between the two of him. His masculine pride was on the line, and he wasn't about to lose to his girlfriend unless something _made _him lose.

There are those of you out there who don't understand, but trust me when I say that one day, you will realize just how important it is for our masculine pride that we be number one in dumb things.

I was going to write a big hypothetical statement directed towards any women out there who are reading this, trying to convince them that this is actually super important and not at all dumb, but let's be honest, there are approximately zero women reading this fic. The odds of there being even a single girl out there that enjoys this garbage are about as high as RT suddenly making Cinder a compelling and interesting character, or making Oscar not completely terrible. This entire thing is one big sausagefest, basically the fan fiction equivalent of the boys' locker room. All that's missing is the thinly-veiled homosexuality and the scent of Axe body spray, but give me enough time and I'll probably find a way to shoehorn those in anyway. What, were you expecting something high-brow? Please, my guy – you've been here for fifteen chapters, you ought to know better than to expect anything but the lowest of low-brow from me. At this rate it'll be like more five chapters at most before I'm reduced to just quoting that stupid fucking 'Uh Oh Stinky' video or something equally as crass.

Anyway, the point was that while Jaune _could _have just asked her what was up, doing so would be an insult to his masculine pride, akin to stopping to ask for directions or refusing to jerk off to Yang's tits – he simply couldn't consider himself to be a man anymore if he did it. So there he sat, desperately trying to pretend like Rin wasn't getting under his skin, even though she totally was.

"Oh, come on!" Nora finally shouted, getting the other three occupants of the room.

"Yes, Nora?" Pyrrha asked, raising an eyebrow.

Nora stomped over to Jaune, gnashing her teeth the whole time. Jaune blinked, surprised, only to recoil slightly in fear when she grabbed his comic book and threw it away, then glared at him.

"_You," _she hissed.

He swallowed nervously. "Y-yes, ma'am?"

"Do us all a _big _favor and just ask her what she wants, will you? Watching you two go back and forth is driving me crazy."

Well, that was different – it was one thing to give up his man card by losing this competition, and quite another to lose it because Nora had gotten mad with him and crushed his balls with her hammer.

Honestly, he probably should have expected this when he had started dating Rin – her and Nora were practically connected at the hip, in a the most non-gay way imaginable (which was honestly kind of surprising – he had thought that they were an item, especially with how Nora insisted that they weren't together-together, but as it turns out they were just really good friends… who were really comfortable with each other… to the point where they usually shared the shower in the mornings and evenings and even helped each other get dressed...

Why yes, he _did _have quite the spank bank these days, how could you guess?)

Anyway, the point was that he may have been dumb enough to interpret what Rin was doing as a challenge to his manhood, but he wasn't quite dumb enough to risk angering Nora. Quickly scrambling out of bed, he moved over to where Rin was still meditating, clearing his throat. Slowly, she cracked one eye open, not breaking her meditative stance.

"Yes, lover?"

"Y-yeah, um… did you want something?"

She raised an eyebrow. "What makes you think I want something?"

"Well, you kept looking at me out of the corner of your eye. I figured you wanted something."

"Oh, that." She shrugged. "I merely enjoy your presence. It is very calming."

Well, that was certainly irritating. It must have shown on his face, because Rin frowned.

"Is something the matter?" she asked. "I didn't bother you, did I?"

Jaune was quick to retract, frantically shaking his head. "Not at all, babe! Heh. Yeah, nothing to worry about."

"Oh, that's good. As Ancient Mistralians once said-"

What followed was incomprehensible gibberish that Jaune had no hope of understanding. He cast a glance between Nora and Pyrrha, who seemed equally as lost. Confused, he turned back to Rin.

"Um, care to explain in Valean?"

Her eyes glinted mischievously. "As Ancient Mistralians once said, 'Man who fight with girlfriend all day get no piece at night'."

Jaune felt himself flush red, but not as red as Pyrrha. "Y-yes, well… I'll keep that in mind."

The corners of Rin's mouth quirked upwards slightly, but she said nothing, instead going back to meditating. Jaune shuffled his feet awkwardly before looking over to Nora, who gave him a thumbs-up. Satisfied that she was satisfied, Jaune quickly made his way back over to his bed, picking his comic book up in the process.

Thank the Gods his girlfriend wasn't such a jerk that she took advantage of having access to Nora to get him to do whatever she wanted, otherwise he would truly be pussy whipped.

* * *

Dating Rin, naturally, came with its own fair share of quirks. Jaune had expected that things wouldn't be completely smooth sailing – they were, after all, a pair of hormonal teenagers deep in the throngs of puberty who had polar opposite personalities and shared very few interests, and…

Huh. Why were they dating again? Was it really just a physical connection that kept them tied to each other? Because they really didn't have a whole lot in common, now that he thought about it. Not that there was anything wrong with simply being with someone because you thought they were cute, it just seemed… kind of shallow? Even then, he was more than willing to look past it for a variety of reasons, but mainly because the sex was pretty good.

Was that shallow too? Probably, but he honestly didn't care. Feel free to complain about him being shallow; he'll just nod his head before slipping Rin the ol' Valean sausage.

Anyway, shallowness aside, the only thing that concerned him about his relationship was that it seemed kind of contrived. It was just weird, how two people who had no business being in a relationship somehow managed to get in a relationship anyway. It was almost as if there was some outside force pushing them together for its own entertainment. It'd be like if Ruby suddenly got together with some stupid farmboy from Mistral – that is, it would be so dumb that it would progress past merely being stupid and instead become downright retarded.

...Why did he suddenly feel like the main attraction at a carnival? Was this how animals at the zoo felt? Maybe he should ask Blake or Velvet.

Okay, this was getting weird, so he was just gonna move on.

So, dating Rin was generally pretty drama-free; there were no real complaints.

Aside from one.

"Rin, let's go!"

And that one complaint was named Nora.

Rin blinked, refusing to allow herself to be pulled from her seat. "Sorry, Nora – I promised Jaune that I'd spend time with him."

"But you spend time with him every night!"

"Because we're having sex."

"Well, we can't do that, so I need my Rin time some other way! So come ooooon!"

Jaune sighed tiredly. He liked Nora, really he did, but she was overbearing on a good day, and that was before he had started going out with Rin. Now that the two of them were dating, Nora had gotten even more demanding. He couldn't blame her – the two girls were, after all, best friends who had been together since childhood – but at the same time, this was just ridiculous. She was treating Rin like some kind of security blanket, without which she would shrivel up and die of loneliness. Honestly, she was lucky that the two of them had gotten paired up during initiation – Jaune was pretty sure she would have had a heart attack if Rin had been partnered with someone else.

Nora continued to pull on Rin's arm, the older girl refusing to budge. "Sorry, Nora. I'll spend time with you later."

Nora deflated, hanging her head with a sad sigh. "Okay, Rin..."

Wow, now he just felt bad. Honestly – and he was saying this with complete sincerity – it probably would have been easier if the two of them had been gay for each other. They were already pretty inseparable, not to mention as close as two people who weren't siblings or lovers could possibly get, so the fact that neither one was attracted to the same sex was honestly kind of a shame; it was like the perfect relationship had been presented to the world, only for the Gods to proclaim 'No, fuck you, you don't get to enjoy anything nice and pure' and made it so both parties could never be attracted to each other.

Again, Jaune felt like there was something wrong, as if there was some cosmic twist of fate keeping Rin and Nora separated, and that it somehow also involved him.

_Okay, no more Pumpkin Pete's before bed._

With that in mind, Jaune cleared his throat. "Sorry, Nora. Tell you what, I'll do something to make it up to you. Would you like that?"

To his relief, Nora nodded. "Actually, I would."

"Okay. What do you want?"

"A sloth."

"Alright, a sl-" He paused. "...A sloth."

"A sloth."

"...Like, as a pet?"

"Sure, that'd be great."

Okay, then. "...Uh-huh. You, uh, have a reason behind that, or…?"

"I like sloths. Do I need more of a reason than that?"

"...I guess not, but it'd help to understand why you're giving me an impossible task."

"It's not impossible at all."

"Really?"

"Yeah, just go get one from the zoo."

_And there's the kicker. _"...Let me get this straight – you want me to break into the zoo."

"Yes."

"You want me to locate the sloth enclosure – which, by the way, is populated entirely by lazy, filthy animals riddled with fungi and parasites, and who are known for having very sharp claws and an intense dislike for being disturbed – and enter it without being detected."

"Uh-huh."

"And you want me to collect one of those disgusting animals, bring it back, and present it to you so you can...I don't know, do Nora things with it."

"That's correct, yes."

"Okay, just wanted to make sure we're on the same page here."

With that established, he looked over to Rin, silently begging her for help. Unfortunately, she didn't seem to notice his distress, instead merely nodding in understanding.

"I suppose nobody will mind if a single sloth is gone for an hour or two."

"Rin!"

"...Oh, was I supposed to disagree?"

"Yes!"

"...Well, you _are _cutting into Nora's 'Rin Time', which is her most favorite time. I can't exactly blame her for this."

Oh, fuck this. Of course the two best friends would stick together, leaving him out in the cold. Still, it didn't look like he had much of a choice – in this relationship, keeping Rin happy meant keeping Nora equally as happy. Kind of bullshit given that he was only in a relationship with one of them and the other was being the most obnoxious third wheel in the world, but whatever. The sex was good enough to keep up with the insanity for at least a little bit longer.

What was that? He was simping hard? Well, he disagreed – at least he actually _got _sex out of the deal, and on top of that, his girlfriend wasn't even camwhoring on the side. Technically that made him not a simp. In your face, anonymous internet commentators.

Sighing in defeat, Jaune nodded. "...Alright, I'll get you a sloth."

"Great!" Nora said. "You're the best, Jaune!"

With that, she ran off, humming a tune the whole time. Jaune watched her go, blinking in surprise.

_...Was I just hustled by Nora?  
_

It certainly felt that way. Geez, it was like playing video games with Ruby all over again, though at least when Ruby hustled him she did it with something cute and childish on the line like the box of Pumpkin Pete's under his bed or the sleeve of Vale Scout cookies he was saving for a special occasion or a pair of Pyrrha's underwear.

Yes, that last one was weird. Turns out that Ruby really – as in _really –_ liked Pumpkin Pete's, as well as everything associated with it, which naturally included Pyrrha. Makes sense considering that she was already on a permanent sugar rush. Honestly, he probably should have been weirded out, but nothing could faze him after that time Nora had dared him to raid Professor Goodwitch's underwear drawer as one of her payments for depriving her of her Rin Time.

He had found a strap-on and some lube in there.

And then he had remembered that Professor Goodwitch was very much strictly heterosexual, having been known for once dating General Ironwood, with the two rumored to still be seeing each other covertly.

Luckily, Beacon had a very robust therapy department, otherwise the mental scars would have been debilitating.

Anyway, where was he? Ah, right – breaking into a zoo for Nora. Because apparently it was too much to ask for a regular relationship, so it had to have a bunch of strings attached. Rising from his seat, Jaune sighed heavily.

"Right, well, I guess I'd better go get this over with," he announced.

Rin nodded. "Okay. Try not to get caught."

Excellent words of encouragement from the borderline-emotionless girl. Sometimes he wondered why he even bothered staying in a relationship like this.

Her eyes narrowed mischievously. "And when you get back, I think I'll have to find some way to make up for the fact that I didn't talk Nora down."

And then he remembered why. Swallowing his apprehension, Jaune nodded. "R-right. I'll, uh, just go ahead, then."

Rin didn't say anything else, merely nodding in understanding as Jaune set off. This was clearly going to suck, but at least the promise of getting to have his girlfriend sit on his face later would make it worth it, right?

...Right?

* * *

Naturally, it hadn't been worth it.

"Ow!"

Rin paused, pulling the cotton pad away from him. "Stand still, please," she said.

"Easy for you to say – you're not the one having alcohol rubbed on _yowch!"_

He winced as she once again pressed the disinfectant into his wounds, which made her wince as well. "...I really am sorry about this," she said. "I shouldn't have let Nora go so far."

If she was expecting him to say it was fine, she wasn't going to hear it – that fucking sloth had spent the entire trip back to Beacon thrashing around and clawing at him. Thank the Gods he had aura, otherwise he would have been shredded like paper or those cat toys Blake kept under her mattress. As it was, he ended up with a litany of light scratches, but nothing super serious.

As a side note, it was funny how Blake thought nobody knew about that. Literally the only reason why they hadn't made fun of her for it was because the mental image of her actually playing with cat toys was way cuter than it had any right to be, and as all humans can confess, cute things tend to override all our other senses.

That being said, he had made a mental note to himself to subtly suggest to Nora that she ought to take her next payment in the form of him placing a hidden camera in the room to actually catch her in the act, because it seemed like it would be adorable.

As _another _side note, man, it sure was weird how his time at Beacon would end up going. Usually putting a hidden camera in a girl's dorm room meant you were going to get tazed or something, but here it just meant that he wanted a couple million hits on DustTube. Strange how things tended to go.

Jaune hissed as Rin pressed the cotton ball against yet another one of his cuts. "It probably goes without saying, but I _really _hate sloths now."

"Don't let Nora hear you say that," Rin warned. "Not only will you never hear the end of it, but she'd probably demand that I break up with you."

Oh, he had no doubts about that. If anything, this whole situation had actually reinforced her love of sloths, because _of fucking course _the stupid thing had ended up loving her the instant she went to pick it up.

On the bright side, it at least hated Weiss, if the fact that it kept freaking her out by rotating its head to an unnatural degree to stare at her was any indication. This made sense, as Weiss' family was responsible for an awful lot of deforestation in the name of creating more Dust mines.

Wow, so not only did Weiss indirectly oppress an entire race of people by using them as slave labor, she also oppressed wildlife by driving them to extinction as well. Truly the worst girl. She'd better hope that Smokey the Ursa was just a myth, otherwise he was going to fucking strangle her the next time she went into the Emerald Forest, and Jaune wasn't exactly in any mood to help after the last time she had rejected him.

Was it petty of him? Oh, absolutely… but on the other hand, she was a total bitch. Was it really so hard to just say 'No, I'm not interested in you, please stop asking'? She didn't need to be such a cunt about it. Ultimately, the joke was on her, though – literally the only person to show any interest in her after a few months had been some idiot fuccboi from Shade who nobody liked, and who was deathly afraid of _water. _Yeah, that'd go over great with a girl from a place where it was always snowing and raining. Definitely a match made in Heaven.

With one final dab, Rin tossed the used cotton ball away, then gently placed another bandage on Jaune's injury. He nodded in appreciation and went to go stand up, only for her to gently guide him back down to his seated position. He gazed at her, confused, only for realization to dawn when he saw the look in her eye.

"I believe I promised you that I would make things up to you," she stated.

"...You did," Jaune ventured.

She rolled her eyes. "You're awful at romantic talk, you know that?"

She wasn't so great herself, usually doing little more than stating the obvious or saying something in Mistralian that he had to ask for a translation for. But he wasn't about to say it.

"Now, sit back and let me do all the work," she offered.

Well, he definitely didn't need to be told twice.

* * *

So, as nice as the sex with Rin was – which was actually _really _nice, as he had always figured sex would be – it didn't quite make up for some of the other difficulties that the relationship posed. Sure, it wasn't anywhere near enough for him to actually break up with Rin, but these were things that were constantly at the back of his head whenever he thought about her, which was actually rather rude of his subconscious as it made nutting that much harder, but still.

And no, it wasn't just Nora.

"Say, Jaune," Yang said.

The blonde boy paused in the midst of eating his lunch. "Yes, Yang?"

"So, I have to ask..."

_Here it comes. _

"...Um, what exactly drew you and Rin together?"

"Yang!" Ruby chastised.

"What? It's a valid question. I mean, you have to admit that they're an odd couple."

_And there it is._

Honestly, he probably should have expected this from other people given that he actually often thought the same thing. As much as he hated to admit it, Yang – and everyone else who asked for that matter – wasn't exactly out of line when they posed the question to him, since him and Rin truly did make for an odd couple.

That didn't mean he enjoyed having to answer the same question over and over, though. Seriously, Yang had just asked the same thing yesterday, and already he'd had to deal with Blake asking him earlier. Luckily he had gotten her to shut up by shining a laser pointer on the floor, but she was only ever going to fall for that so many times, unfortunately.

After a brief reminder to himself to post that footage on DustTube later, he shook his head before looking back at Yang.

"I'm pretty sure I already explained why, Yang."

"Well, excuse me if I didn't think it was a good reason."

At that, he rolled his eyes. "Do I really need another reason beyond thinking she's cute, and her thinking the same thing about me?"

"...Uh, yeah? Just going for looks makes you seem kind of shallow."

"Well, obviously there's also a deeper emotional connection there. The way she looked was just what got me interested initially."

"Okay, then go ahead and explain your 'deeper emotional connection'."

"...That's not something you can really quantify, you know."

"So it doesn't exist?"

Jaune furrowed his brow. "Why ask me this all the time?"

"I'm just trying to get a read on you," Yang said, shrugging. "Same as with everyone else here."

Jaune groaned. "Seriously, guys? Is the fact that Rin and I are dating really that weird to you all?"

"...Maybe a little?" Weiss ventured. "I mean, not to disparage Rin or anything, but you two don't really seem like you would click all that well. It's kind of strange, given that you're arguably closer to Ruby on an emotional level than her."

At that, he raised an eyebrow. "...Are you trying to say I should break up with Rin and date Ruby instead?"

"I'm right here, by the way," Rin interjected.

"No!" Weiss said, shaking her head. "I'm saying-"

"Look, much as I approve of the idea of you playing wingman for someone who's clearly too awkward to get a date-" Jaune began.

Ruby balked. "What?!"

"-I'm quite happy with Rin-"

"I'm not awkward! Yang, tell him!"

Yang just chuckled. "Uh, sorry sis, but-"

"Traitor!"

And with that, Ruby tackled her sister, the two quickly getting into one of their patented sibling fights. Blake filmed the whole thing, occasionally throwing a lien card onto them and making a comment about how someone ought to go find some mud. Jaune paid no attention to it; shenanigans like this were so commonplace that they had essentially lost all meaning to him. Instead, he continued focusing on Weiss.

"Like I was saying, I'm very happy with Rin."

"Good, because I wasn't trying to set you up with Ruby."

"Then why ask about my relationship so much?" He raised an eyebrow. "Weiss… are you jealous that I'm dating Rin?'

"Are you stupid or something? I honestly couldn't care less about your relationship."

"But you ask about it quite a bit. Suspicious, if you ask me."

"Because I'm just trying to figure out what makes you tick!"

"Yeah, cuz you're interested in me. Weiss, I'm sorry to say that it's not going to work – I have a girlfriend already."

"I don't want to date you, you idiot!"

Jaune waved her off. "Now, Weiss, this is no time to be tsundere."

"Soon-what?"

Jaune silently thanked his girlfriend for introducing him to the way of the weeb before turning over to Blake. "So, what's your story? Why are you so interested in my love life?"

Her only response was to shrug. "I'm a sucker for poorly-written romance."

Yeah, he could tell – that thing she had going on with Yang spoke volumes about that. Seriously, those two needed to stop teasing and just fuck already, because it was getting unbearable. He hadn't seen so much sexual tension between two people since his mother and father had placed bets on who could go longer without sex. And much like how that bet had ended with a bedroom needing to be remodeled, he was fully anticipating that Team RWBY's dorm was just going to fucking explode at some point. At least when it finally did, he could actually collect the money he had put down on whether or not it would happen.

Seriously, you'd have to be an idiot not to see that it was inevitable between those two, poorly put together as it was. It was almost as if the universe was conspiring to push the two of them together no matter how forced it got. Kind of like him and Rin, only not nearly as weird because there was some connection – namely, that Blake liked eating tuna, and there would definitely be plenty of that going on in that relationship, if you catch my drift.

With that question answered, Jaune looked back over to the only other two who had yet to respond. "What about you? Why keep asking me about my love life?"

Nora and Pyrrha exchanged a glance. "...Honestly, I just want to be sure that you're treating Rin alright," Nora replied.

"No worries there," Rin answered.

"Then I guess I just need to keep tabs on it so I can be sure when my bestie is available."

Yeah, he figured. Still, that was actually probably the least annoying answer so far, so props to Nora for not being completely terrible. Truly, she was too good for this sinful world, at least in this one very specific instance.

That left only one.

"What about you, Pyrrha?" Jaune asked.

At that, the champion just shrugged. "Oh, I kind of had a crush on you."

"...You did?"

"Yup. Huge crush."

"...For how long?"

"Oh, just since the start of the year. So no big deal."

He… honestly couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or not. The tone of voice was there, but then again Pyrrha didn't have a mean bone in her body – he had actually once seen her accidentally run into a tree and then apologize to the tree for it, for example – so it was so hard to tell.

At least everyone else seemed to be having the same problem, as all other activity had suddenly ceased at the table, with everyone looking over to Pyrrha.

"You're, uh, really taking this whole situation rather well, in that case," Weiss ventured.

Again, Pyrrha shrugged. "I'm not a homewrecker, so I'm not going to try and break up what seems to be a good relationship."

"Then why throw it out there?"

"So that he at least knows about it and keeps his options open for the future."

"That's pretty devious of you," Yang commented form her spot on the floor, where she had Ruby in a headlock and had paused mid-noogie, all while the younger girl flailed in her grasp.

"I mean, I'm obviously still attracted to him. I just want him to know about it in case he wants someone to catch him on the rebound."

"Why are you just telling us this now?" Blake asked.

"Because apparently I can only talk openly about this kind of thing when nothing lasting will come of it. It's a horrible curse, one that I hope none of you ever have to deal with."

Looking over at Jaune, she again shrugged. "I just want my sloppy seconds, is that too much to ask?"

"Uh..." Jaune stammered, doing his best to make it look like he was just confused on the outside.

Because on the inside, he was screaming as loud as possible.

_GODS DAMN IT YOU MEAN I COULD HAVE BEEN SMASHING SEXY REDHEAD PUSSY FROM THE START OF THE FUCKING YEAR ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME AAAAAAAAAAAAAA_

Meanwhile, Rin took that moment to clear her throat, snapping him out of his thoughts.

"Well, um… if it doesn't work out between us, I guess we'll let you know?" the Mistralian ventured.

Pyrrha nodded. "Yes, that would be nice. Thank you, Rin."

"Um… don't mention it?"

Damn it, nothing about this situation was fine. How come Pyrrha had some complex about not being able to spit it out unless it was the most inopportune moment imaginable? Honestly, she was lucky he had actually gotten a girlfriend, because the only way this awkward confession could have gone any worse was if she just died to some edgelord immediately after telling him.

He wasn't sure why his mind went there considering it was stupid and needlessly tragic, but this situation was already pretty abnormal, so it was probably best if he just didn't question it.

"Okay, then," Jaune said, rising from his seat. "Well, if none of you mind, I have to go do some homework."

"Do you need some help?" Rin asked.

"Thanks, but I think I've got this."

Obviously, he wasn't going to do homework, he was going to sit in the shower and cry over missing his chance to give Pyrrha the ol' in-out-in-out, possibly while masturbating.

Hey, he may have had a girlfriend who he loved, but it was _Pyrrha. _Have you _seen _that girl? Even her abs had abs. He wasn't generally one to dwell on missed opportunities, but come on, dude.

"Okay," Rin said, nodding. "Until then, just remember: As Ancient Mistralians once said-"

And then she followed it up with more Mistralian gibberish. Jaune frowned. "Um, what's that mean?"

"It means 'Man who fishes in another woman's well often catches crab'."

Okay, fuck the masturbating part, then – she obviously knew what was about to happen. It made him feel guilty, but only a little bit because again, it was Pyrrha. None of you know how it is because you don't know the glory that is accidentally catching a glimpse down her chest piece. It's a lot like having your girlfriend get mad at you because you didn't look away during the sex scene in a James Pond movie – sure, she's pissed at you, but at the end of the day, you're the real winner there.

Of course, that only applies to the good Pond girls, so just ignore Bibi Dahl. Probably generous of me to consider her a Pond girl given that he didn't even sleep with her, but I'm doing it just for the purposes of this joke, fuck that character. Also fuck Camille Montes, that entire movie was absolute ass and she didn't help by being in it. Seriously, how do you go from a character that's as good as Vesper was to one that's as shit as Camille was? The writers must have been chugging motor oil on that one or something.

There are probably other shitty Pond girls out there but I'm just gonna stop now.

"Uh, right," Jaune said. "Anyway, I'll catch you all later."

"Bye, Jaune," Yang said, continuing to give her sister a noogie and chuckling the whole time. "And try not to catch any crabs!"

Great, that was one more thing they were going to hold over his head.

_Thanks, Rin. What would I do without you?  
_

* * *

A few days had passed, meaning it was now the weekend. And as much as Jaune had wanted to spend it cooped up inside and just relaxing, there was something important he had to do. You see, this weekend was Rin's birthday, and while all of them had come together to plan a big party for her in celebration, he wanted to do a little one-on-one activity with her.

That was easier said than done since she didn't really talk about herself all that much, so he didn't know much about her. But still, he had made an educated guess, and he was fairly certain that he had chosen wisely. After all, there were just some things that all girls liked to do, making what he had ultimately gone for a very safe option.

Of course, he wanted it to remain a secret – Rin had basically lived her whole life as an emotionless girl, and he really wanted to see the look on her face when she realized the surprise he had gotten for her. It had cost quite a pretty penny, but at the end of the day, he was sure it would all be worth it just to see her smile.

Getting there, of course, was the first problem, though thankfully it had easily been solved with the application of dodging Rin's questions while simultaneously requesting that she wear a blindfold and let him lead her there by hand. Luckily she had played along, and hadn't accused him of trying to lead her somewhere shady to take advantage of her.

He wasn't sure why his mind went there considering that if he really wanted to have sex with her then all he had to do was ask, but then again maybe it had something to do with the act of blindfolding a girl and leading her around by hand like she was some kind of little lost puppy being inherently creepy. The people of Vale certainly thought so, given how many times he had been stopped by the police and had needed to have Rin bail him out before he got tazed or something.

Luckily, a few awkward conversations with the cops were the worst part, and soon the two of them were outside the city limits.

"Well, here we are," Jaune announced. "You can take the blindfold off."

Rin did as she was told, removing the blindfold and squinting when the sun finally hit her eyes. "...Okay, not that I don't appreciate the gesture, but was the blindfold really necessary?"

"Of course it was! I didn't want to ruin the surprise, Rin."

The Mistralian sighed tiredly. "...Okay, sure. What's the surprise, anyway?"

"I'm so glad you asked! Follow me."

Jaune gently took her hand and started to guide her down the dirt trail they had found themselves on.

"...You know, this is a really odd place for a surprise," Rin surmised. "We're, what, a few miles outside of the city? What if we run into Grimm?"

That was absurd – Huntsmen patrolled the city, so there weren't any Grimm nearby. Nah, the thing to _really _be afraid of was the White Fang – they kind of had a presence outside the city since the world beyond the walls was pretty lawless, but he wasn't about to tell that to Rin; the last thing he needed was for her to go from worrying about Grimm to worrying about being stuffed into a fursuit, or whatever it was the White Fang did to their victims.

Okay, that was stupid – obviously he knew what the White Fang did to their victims. He didn't secretly refer to them as 'The Liveleak Boys' for nothing, after all. 'Secretly' because, as true as it was, he _didn't _need to have Blake catch him actually referring to them as The Liveleak Boys – that was an argument he didn't feel like starting, now or ever.

How come she still felt the need to white knight the White Fang despite leaving them and also admitting that they had issues? Honestly, who cares? At this point, expecting Blake to be consistent is like expecting the newest James Pond movie to be good – if you do, you deserve the shit coming your way.

Seriously, _No Time To Die _looks like it's gonna be garbage. Way to waste Rami Malek as a villain, assholes. And here I was, looking forward to seeing the guy who played Snafu and Freddie Mercury star in something else. Talk about a real Monkey's Paw.

Where was this train of thought going? Who cares – at this point, he was just trying to distract himself from dwelling on the fact that Pyrrha wanted to jump his bones and ride him like he was a rodeo bull. Was that a bad thing to think about when his girlfriend was _right there, _and it was also her birthday? Probably, but it was Pyrrha. You'd do the same, not just with Pyrrha but with pretty much all of the female characters in this show, and don't even try and deny it, you fucking liar. I have a pretty good idea what your browser history looks like if you're reading this, and let me tell you, those Mallobaude and Imyoshi smutfics aren't just being bookmarked by you out of curiosity, you degenerate-with-impeccable-taste.

_Man, what's going on in _my _head? _Jaune thought to himself. _That does it: _really _no more Pumpkin Pete's before bed. I mean it this time._

Finally, they reached the fork in the road… uh, the _literal _fork in the road, not the fork in the road that was forcing him to choose between Rin and Pyrrha. Yes, he was still hung up on this, how could he not be? You try choosing between two women, one of them really cute and the other super hot, see how it makes you feel!

Anyway, pushing that thought from his mind (and mostly failing), Jaune led his girlfriend down the proper path. They turned the corner, and he stepped in front of her, arms outstretched.

"Surprise!" he happily shouted.

Immediately, Rin's eyes went wide, her jaw dropping. Jaune couldn't hold back his wide smirk – that was _just _the reaction he had wanted! Man, that made this whole thing worth it – this was gonna be great.

"Heh, wow," he said, rubbing the back of his head. "You must be really excited to go horseback riding, Rin."

From the look on her face, she really was – her jaw was pretty much on the floor, and he could see tears of what had to be happiness forming in her eyes. It made his heart melt just looking at her. Sure, the trek had been long, and sure, reserving some horses had cost him pretty much all of his lien, but it would be worth it just to see Rin smile.

His girlfriend suddenly swallowed loudly and audibly, taking a step back. Jaune's smile wavered.

"Uh, babe? Something wrong?"

"H-horses..." she muttered.

Okay, that wasn't what he had expected – she sounded almost afraid. "Rin? You okay?"

"H-h-horses…!"

Yup, definitely something wrong. "...Do you not like it? Sorry if you don't; I didn't think-"

He never got to finish, as Rin chose that moment to take off like a bullet, charging back the way she came, screaming in fear the whole time. Jaune sighed heavily before taking off after her.

_Good Gods, even when I'm trying to do something nice, I fuck it up. Can this get any worse?_

* * *

Turns out, it could – apparently, Rin had a deep-seated fear of horses due to an undisclosed incident in her childhood, one which she refused to talk about but which had left her so traumatized that she had spent the rest of her birthday cowering under her sheets like a small child who had seen a scary movie.

And that was really a sign that the universe had it out for him. Seriously, a fear of _horses? _Fucking really? Why couldn't it have been something normal, like clowns, or spiders, or Weiss on her period? But no, fucking horses. What, did a horse kill her family or something? Unbelievable.

Anyway, besides being exasperated at the absurdity of the situation, Jaune felt bad for a variety of reasons – the two biggest were obviously that he had seriously scared his girlfriend and that he had inadvertently ruined her birthday, while a smaller one was that he didn't get his deposit back from the horseback riding place.

_Cheap bastards. And I was going to recommend them to Mom and Dad for June's birthday, too…_

Oh, and there was also another small problem.

"Hey Jaaaaune~" Nora whispered into his ear.

Emphasis on the 'small', but only in relation to Nora practically being a midget, because this was actually a _huge _fucking problem.

Seriously, how come the guys on Remnant were so tall but the girls were so short? What was up with that? It was like reverse evolution. Give it enough time and the girls would start literally fitting into the palm of your hand.

Anyway, Jaune immediately froze in the middle of his homework, feeling a chill go down his spine. "Y-yes, Nora?"

He didn't dare turn around – he knew that there was a demon there, waiting for him. Obviously, he was going to be punished by Nora for nearly making Rin piss her pants, but he didn't dare try to imagine what fresh hell Nora had planned for him, both because he didn't want to inflict that kind of torture on himself and because it would no doubt pale in comparison to the real thing.

Also, he had a pretty good idea of how she would punish him, and it involved judicious application of her hammer to his shins.

As if on cue, Nora slammed her hammer down on the table right next to him, splintering it with nary any effort. Jaune swallowed nervously as she leaned in even closer to whisper into his ear.

"You'd better start running, Jauney. You know, enjoy those legs while you still have them."

Obviously, she was only telling him that because she enjoyed the thrill of the chase. He wasn't about to call her on it, though; sure, his chances of actually managing to escape unharmed were somewhere between minuscule and the odds that Ruby _di__dn't _secretly fuck her weapon when nobody else was in the dorm room (which is to say non-existent), but he at least had to _try, _both because Mama Arc didn't raise no quitter and because, inevitable as the ending to this was, he refused to at least go down without a fight.

Now, going down like a little bitch, on the other hand…

Yes, he screamed like a little girl as he took off from his spot in the library. Yes, people saw. No, he didn't regret it, mainly because he didn't have _time _to regret it before the little pint-sized psycho ended up hot on his heels.

Hopefully, Goodwitch understood his predicament here; if she didn't, then he was probably going to catch heat from her about the collateral damage as well.

And it was at that very moment that Jaune Arc came to a realization.

_Is all this really worth it? I mean, I like Rin, but do I really _like _Rin? I could probably save both of us a lot of trouble if I just broke up with her…_

That was definitely food for thought. Too bad he didn't get much chance to dwell on it before Nora finally caught him and snapped both his legs like they were crispy breadsticks. Luckily, he didn't feel the pain; the sound of his legs being pulverized was enough to make him almost instantly black out. As the light faded, he had just one thought.

_Yeah, fuck this._

* * *

Blearily, Jaune opened his eyes, blinking when he saw the fluorescent lights. Sitting up, the blonde groggily rubbed at his eyes. It took him a moment to realize where he was – Beacon's hospital wing, an area he had become intimately familiar with after one of his last attempts at flirting with Weiss had ended with him nearly getting impaled by an Arma Gigas.

You'd think finally helping Weiss learn to summon would have helped get him in her good graces, but nah, she was still a frosty bitch. But that was fine – he was pretty sure she had a daddy fetish anyway, and in addition to not wanting to fuck with that, he had a girlfriend already.

_But not for long._

Yeah, it had taken him all of a few seconds of being awake to recall the inner conversation he'd had with himself before Nora had caught up with him, as well as his ultimate decision.

_Man, this is gonna suck._

Admittedly, he didn't know exactly how Rin was going to react to him breaking it off, but he had seen enough shitty romance movies to know how it would _likely _go, and that was enough. Add in the fact that he was currently immobilized in a hospital bed with two broken legs, and he didn't have high hopes for how this was going to go.

_On second thought, maybe I ought to wait until _after _I'm out of the hospital bed._

Of course, that thought was banished as quickly as it came – if he was going to have another crazy woman kill him, maybe it was better that he was already in the hospital, so all he had to do was call for a doctor.

His musings were interrupted by the door to his hospital room opening. Surprising nobody, it was Rin, though for some reason she was carrying a paper bag with her. She froze upon seeing her, only for her expression to soften.

"You're awake," she said, approaching his bed.

"Yeah," Jaune replied. He sat up, grunting as he did so. "How long was I out?"

"About a day."

"Ah. How bad was the damage?"

"If Goodwitch was still capable of crying, I imagine she would have."

"Geez… okay, how much are Nora and I on the hook for it?"

"That's still up in the air. Goodwitch wanted to give you and Nora detention for life… as in, it would continue after you graduated. Don't ask me how that's supposed to work. Luckily for you two, Ozpin vetoed that in favor of something that's probably going to end up being a bit more lenient."

"But we don't know for sure."

"Like I said, it's still up in the air." She shrugged. "Anyway, how do you feel?"

"Like I got run over by a steam roller."

"That's not far off. Oh, by the way, Nora says you're even now."

Yeah, like that was supposed to be some sort of comfort to him. Honestly, he was just about done with Nora – the girl basically operated on an entirely different morality system than regular humans, where it was perfectly acceptable to shatter someone's legs because they made her best friend cry or they happened to enjoy waffles more than pancakes.

No, he hadn't forgotten the Waffle Incident, nor would Beacon's cooks. In retrospect, Rin probably should have warned them about what would happen when they phased out pancakes in favor of waffles, but it was far too late by that point.

Ignoring the fact that it was a small miracle that Nora was even still allowed to attend Beacon given the damage she had caused, Jaune focused on what needed to be done.

_Alright, Jaune. Just do it. Say you're breaking up with her. Make sure to tell her that it's not her… it's Nora. I'm sure she'll understand._

Jaune took a deep breath, steeling himself to do what had to be done. This was for the greater good – clearly, Rin and Nora were meant to be inseparable, and he was just the unnecessary third wheel. It would save the both of them a lot of pain if he just got it over with. That didn't make it much easier, but it at least made it impossible to back out.

He opened his mouth to say it, and-

"Hey, Jaune?"

Instantly deflated, instead looking over at his hopefully-soon-to-be-ex girlfriend. "Yes, Rin?"

She bit her lip. "I… have something I want to discuss."

"Okay, lay it on me."

"I think we should break up."

Okay, not what he had been expecting. He stared at her in disbelief. "...What?"

"I think we should break up," she repeated. Flushing red, she looked away. "S-sorry, I-"

"N-no!" Jaune said, shaking his head. "No, I actually agree."

"...You do?"

"Yeah."

"...Why? Am I suddenly not good enough for you?"

Oh great, they were doing this. And here he was, hoping that Rin would prove to be at least somewhat reasonable, especially if she was the one trying to break up first.

"Look, can we not?" Jaune begged. "We both agree that this relationship should end. Can we please just explain why and end it on good terms?"

Rin's mouth tightened into a line, but she nodded. "...Fine. Let me guess: you're ending it because of Nora?"

"That easy, huh?"

"Yes, since it's the same reason why I'm ending things." The Mistralian sighed tiredly. "I love Nora like a sister, but she doesn't make things easy."

"No, she certainly doesn't," Jaune acknowledged.

Rin shook her head. "I honestly don't know what I was thinking, getting into a relationship here. Nora is… well, she's immature. Obviously she would feel like I'm not giving her enough attention. Maybe in time she'll get to the point where she isn't as reliant on me, but unfortunately, that isn't now." Again, she sighed. "So, I'm sorry, but I'm breaking up with you."

Well, that was actually surprising, considering how she had almost gone off on him for him being the one to try and break things off. Man, that fucking figured – leave it to the woman to be unhappy unless it was her specifically that was ending things.

He was suddenly glad that he was officially single once more, because that seemed like one of those thoughts that his girlfriend would somehow just know that he had been thinking, and would then make him sorry for by forcing him to sleep in the doghouse.

That being said, a part of him was a little sad that things had to end like this, because aside from Nora causing problems, the relationship had been pretty stable. Sure, Rin liked Atlas a bit too much, and often talked mad shit on Mantle when nobody else was around. Sure, she often masturbated to General Ironwood when she thought everyone else was asleep at night. And sure, sometimes she muttered gibberish in her sleep that made no sense but seemed like it was a carryover from the Great War or something, such as 'Go home GI, this is not your war' or 'Screw you GI, I will kill you GI', or random gibberish Mistralian that nobody but her understood. But you know what? She was a nice girl, she deserved better than this.

Back in the real world, Jaune nodded. "Okay. I'm sorry that things didn't work out between us, Rin."

"As am I. I thought we had something good going on, but it wasn't meant to be." A thin smile crossed her face. "I… guess Pyrrha will be a happy woman, then."

That seemed like she was trying to insinuate something, but he wasn't dumb enough to walk into _that _trap – he knew the rules, and the rules stated that there was a waiting period between breaking things off and picking up a new girl, and that not obeying said rule made you a grade-A douchebag. So, much as it would hurt to have to go back to his hand, he would make do.

Rin stood up, brushing herself off. "Well, I must be going. But before I do..."

She reached into the paper bag, pulling out a plastic thermos and passing it to him. "This is for you. It's a little something to help your legs."

Oh, now wasn't this just fucking great? He knew exactly what this was – one of her nasty-ass 'health drinks' that had the taste, color, and consistency of sewage. Apparently, she had expected this breakup to be a lot messier than it had ended up being, because otherwise she wouldn't have brought this container of poison with her.

Jokes aside, he realized what this was – Rin was trying to help, even if her help was unwanted and unneeded. Still, she was looking at him expectantly, clearly intending to stay until he drank it.

_Gods damn it, I should have broken up with her ages ago._

"Uh, thanks, Rin," Jaune finally managed to get out. He forced a smile to cross his face. "I think I'll drink it now!"

Uncapping the thermos, he brought it to his lips, praying that it wouldn't kill him.

It was… it was _awful. _It tasted like he was drinking a wet sock filled with cat turds, and it somehow burned at the same time, like he had just slammed a shot of cinnamon whiskey. He felt like he had just consumed hepatitis.

And just like that, he could feel himself fading once more, black spots dancing on the edge of his vision. Rin said something, but he didn't hear it; it was probably just some more bullshit about the Ancient Mistralians, anyway. She smiled fondly at him before finally leaving. Jaune had just enough time to thank his lucky stars that she had never used him as a guinea pig for her concoctions before he finally passed out.

_Thank God that bullshit's over with, at least, _he thought, just before unconsciousness claimed him.

* * *

**Laid-back chapter for a laid-back character. It's funny how, for a chapter focused on Ren, there was so much Nora… well, not really – it was always going to end like this, I imagine. There just isn't a whole lot to make fun of with Ren. I hit him on the whole thing with the Nuckelavee and his weird Atlas obsession in V7, but beyond that, this was always going to come down to most of the humor coming from the fact that these two just aren't cut out to be in a relationship together.**

**Anyway, this one was pretty smooth, all things considered. Not too out-there in terms of craziness, pretty reserved all-around, and ends with a sort-of bad ending, sort-of good ending. I enjoyed my time spent with Rin, but that's about all she wrote. This was never going to be something I enjoyed as much as, say, Adam, Cinder, or Salem, because apparently I feel like I only do my best work when I'm writing villains. Don't ask – I don't get it, either.**

**So, beyond that, I guess I'll tell you a little bit about the _next _chapter, which I am actually very excited for. I mentioned earlier that I'd be doing two R63 chapters in a row at some point, and by 'some point', I mean now… er, in two weeks. Basically, brace yourself for another genderswap character in chapter 16, and this time it's one I'm really excited for. Forget laid-back – I'm going balls to the wall with this next one. It's gonna be a good time.**

**Next update: Saturday, June 27.**


	17. Now Neither of Us Will Be Virgins

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 16: Joan (Jaune R63), or: Now Neither Of Us Will Be Virgins

* * *

Jaune was used to losing. It seemed that, no matter what, the universe always saw fit to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory for him. He's about to beat Yang at a fighting game? The game crashes just before he can land the final blow. He studies hard for a test? It ends up being one of those joke exams that teachers give to keep students on their toes and that isn't actually worth any points. He's winning in Combat Class? He trips over his own shoelaces or something and lands right in the path of his opponent's weapon.

The point is, Jaune had basically gone his entire life without achieving any real victory. It felt like fate itself was conspiring against him at times, such was his losing streak. But, rather than get discouraged, he never lost hope – he knew, deep down, that all the accumulated losses would eventually turn around, and with the amount of suffering he had endured, he knew they would turn around in a big way.

And, you know what? He was absolutely right – it had taken a while, but eventually his misfortune had reversed.

Now, before we go any further, an explanation is in order.

To put it simply, it had all started when Jaune had been alone in his room, relaxing by himself. Classes that day had proven to be a bitch as always, and he had been looking forward to some time to just unwind. Thankfully, he had gotten some – Ren and Nora had gone out to do something together, and Pyrrha was at the gym, leaving him plenty of time to himself. Generally, he would have spent this time jerking off, since this was basically the only time he had to himself these days… but he honestly didn't feel like it today, so instead he was just jamming on some music.

Thank the Gods nobody else was here; the last thing he wanted was for them to walk in and catch him air guitaring to music that only he could hear. That was kind of funny to think about given that he actually owned a real guitar and he would probably actually be way better off, you know, _practicing _than pretending to practice, but whatever. Practicing was for losers, anyway. Real chads don't have a problem accidentally playing a whole tone scale over a bluesy I-IV-V progression in front of a crowd of people.

Ask me how I know.

Anyway, the point was, he was having a good time, listening to Casey Lee Williams and acting like he was up on stage, slamming on a guitar in front of thousands of swooning women.

Needless to say, he was utterly unprepared for the room to just fucking explode.

With a shout, Jaune collapsed, his headphones slipping from his ears. Picking himself up, he waved the smoke away, trying to see exactly what had exploded (his best bet was on Nora's collection of grenades that she had made him promise not to tell anyone about).

As it turned out, it wasn't Nora's grenades, or a gas leak, or Pyrrha's expensive Gravity Dust-powered vibrator that she didn't think they all knew about but that they all actually totally knew about, because she wasn't nearly as subtle at night as she thought she was. No, it was… a girl?  
And a girl who looked an awful lot like him, at that.

She was… actually pretty cute, he had to admit. Kind of tall for a girl – just over six feet – but that just enhanced her beauty. She had flowing blonde hair that cascaded down to the middle of her back, done up in a braid. She was wearing clothes that were very similar to his – sneakers and blue jeans with a few pieces of armor protecting her upper body, all over what looked suspiciously like his supposedly one-of-a-kind Pumpkin Pete's hoodie. Even stranger than that, she was carrying a sword that looked oddly like Crocea Mors, and unlike his hoodie, he knew for a fact that there was only supposed to be one Crocea Mors in all of Remnant.

Blinking, Jaune stared down at her in confusion. She coughed once, then opened her eyes with a groan.

"Seems like that Dust mixture didn't work out so well, Nora..." she said with a wince. "Maybe a little less Gravity Dust next-"

Their gazes met, and both of them froze, their eyes widening.

"Uh..." Jaune began. "...Where'd you come from?"

The girl seemed uncertain how to answer. "...That's what I should ask. Why are you in my room?"

"Your room? This is _my _room!"

"Uh, no it isn't – this is Team JNPR's dorm. Look, I can see Ren, Pyrrha, and Nora's stuff over there."

"Yeah, because this is their room!"

"Great, you agree. So, uh, get out."

"Wha- no! This is Team JNPR's dorm, as in _my _dorm!"

"What? Stop being stupid, you're not Joan Arc."

"No, I'm Jaune Arc! And what do you mean, you're Joan Arc?"

"Exactly what it sounds like – that's my name. And who are you, anyway? There's no Jaune Arc – you're definitely not one of my seven brothers."

"What the hell are you talking about? I'm the only male Arc child!"

Instantly, the girl – Joan – froze, her eyes widening. "No way..."

"What?" Jaune asked. "What's going on?"

She bit her lip. "...I think… I think one of us is a little far from home," she began. "I'm… pretty sure this is an alternate dimension for one of us, given that nothing is as either of us think it is. I think Nora mixing together a bunch of Dust with some of that 'Chemical X' stuff might have done more than just make a big boom..."

"What, you mean to tell me that the multiverse is actually a real thing, and that we're two alternates of the same person who somehow collided with each other?"

"Yes."

"...Alright, makes sense. But that just leaves one question: which of us is the original?'

Immediately, the air filled with tension. Both of them stared at each other, eyes narrowing. It was clear that this was going to be an argument for the ages – one that determined who the original Arc actually was, and who was the mere copy.

It was petty, sure, but both of them had read enough comics to know that this was the only way this could possibly go.

"Listen," Jaune began, "we don't take kindly to copycats around these parts. Beat it, weirdo!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you split?" Jeane retorted.

"Unfortunately, it looks like I already did. And I must say, you're a _very _poor copy."

"Oh, _I'm _the poor copy? Those jeans look like garbage on you! I definitely wear them better."

"Oh, yeah? Well, I wore them first!"

"Then you must have been the one who stained them, then!"

"Whoever claimed it, stained it."

"And what is that hair, anyway? You look like a scruffy NEET who still has his mom cut his hair!"

"There's nothing wrong with Mom's haircuts! And besides, at least I'm not shallow enough to judge people based on their appearance… even if your hair looks like a ghetto imitation of Yang's glued to the head of a six-year-old boy!"

That earned a gasp. "How dare you!"

"Yeah, that's right – I went there!"

"For that, I'll destroy you! This world isn't big enough for two Arc Hunters-in-training!"

"You, a Hunter? Please. You look more like Grimm bait than a Grimm hunter."

That earned a wince from one of them and smirk from the other.

"Yeah, that's right – I'm clearly superior to your infidel mind, so why don't you just admit defeat?"

"An Arc man never quits!"

"Unfortunately – maybe if they did, Papa would never have had you!"

"But then he wouldn't have had you, either! Checkmate!"

"Oh, so you admit that you're checking me out, and you wanna mate?"

Jaune's gaze fell to her chest. "Didn't know that the milk truck was in town! You authorized to make deliveries?"

"Nah, just to take them, and mainly in the rear! But then again, I guess that would make two of us!"

"Oh, I've got a delivery for you, alright!"

Joan's eyes traveled downwards. "Damn, looks like an express delivery at that! Well, better put your money where your mouth is and drop 'em!"

Jaune laughed. "Oh, as if I'd fall for that old trick. Nah, you show what you've got first."

"I'll do you one better – I'll go all in! I see you what I'm packing under the shirt, and I raise you what I've got under my pants!"

"Okay, on the count of three, we show what's under the jeans at the same time, wiener take all!"

"Sounds good. One, two, three!"

And then they both dropped trau, revealing what they were each carrying to each other. It was… honestly, exactly what you'd expect to see from a boy and a girl, respectively. The two of them stared at each other, eyes widening in surprise at what they had just done.

It lasted for only a few seconds before they were in each other's arms, furiously making out. Then, before either of them knew it, they had moved over to the bed. What followed was unfortunately too hot for FFN, but you get the idea.

Unfortunately, it was soon interrupted by the door swinging open, revealing not just the rest of Jaune's team, but all of Team RWBY as well.

Everyone stared at the two of them with morbid curiosity, as if they couldn't believe what they were seeing and also didn't want to look away. Both of them blushed, pulling the covers up to cover their naked bodies a bit more.

"...Uh, this isn't what it looks like?" Jaune ventured.

Blake fainted, her nose gushing blood.

* * *

"Okay, so," Weiss began, "take it from the top."

Jaune exchanged a glance with Joan, the two of them now dressed up in their matching outfits – blue jeans, an undershirt, and their one-of-a-kind (now two-of-a-kind) official Pumpkin Pete's hoodie. He sighed.

This was going to take some explaining. More importantly, it was going to take a measured response if he didn't want to freak everyone out.

"Right, so..." he began, looking at Weiss. "...Remember that time I asked you out, and you told me to go fuck myself?"

Unfortunately, Jaune wasn't exactly the most adept at thinking on his feet in situations this awkward.

"I didn't mean it literally, you idiot!" Weiss shouted. "Do you have any idea what you've just done?!"

"...Fucked myself? I mean, I kind of already said it-"

"No, you dunce! You could have created a quantum event, one that could have destroyed the multiverse as we know it!"

Okay, things had been weird ever since Joan had shown up, but they had never been this weird. Again, the two blondes exchanged a glance.

"...In Valean, please?" Joan asked.

Weiss pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration. "Okay, I'll spell it out – there is only supposed to be one Jaune Arc in any given multiverse. Anything more threatens to unravel the very fabric of reality as we know it."

"Why is that?"

"Shut up and listen!" Weiss snapped.

Clearly, this was Weiss' inherent womanlet rage acting up again. Made sense, considering she was barely even Ruby's height in heels. Talk about a Napoleon complex.

_Who the fuck is Napoleon and why does he have a complex? _Jaune thought to himself.

Ruby leaned in to whisper to Ren. "Weiss tried looking for research about events like this but couldn't find anything that wasn't from a comic book."

"Ah," Ren declared. "So, we know this is ridiculous, then?"

"Oh, yeah. But let's not let that stop her."

Weiss may have liked to think she was above it all, but they all knew the truth. Frankly, the only reason they were letting her carry on was because it amused them, and also because they had to throw her a bone since she had yet to actually win a fight against someone. Truly, being Weiss is nothing but suffering.

"Anyway," Weiss said, glaring at her team leader, "What if Joan had gotten pregnant?"

"We used protection," Jaune said.

"Did you? Did you really?"

"...I mean, pulling out is better than nothing, so..."

"Wait, time out," Yang interjected. "Did you seriously have unprotected sex with an alternate version of you?"

"Yes," Jaune said. "Why?"

"That's weird, dude. Why are you so casual about this?"

"Because it's just masturbation."

"Wha- no, it's not!" Weiss shouted.

"Yes, it is," Joan replied. "Masturbation is stimulating yourself to orgasm. Jaune is me, and I am him. We stimulated each other to orgasm. Therefore, we masturbated."

"That doesn't even make any sense! Masturbation is done by yourself!"

"Yeah, and we're both different versions of Jaune. Therefore, we did it by ourselves."

"No, you didn't! You're both different people!"

"But we're both Jaune."

"Hang on, how did you decide who the original was?" Nora asked.

"Joan wanted to be on the bottom, so she decided to take the role as my alternate, as is befitting her position on the bottom," Jaune said.

"What the fuck?" Yang asked.

Blake, meanwhile, was breathing heavily as she held a pad of paper in her shaking hands, her nose dripping blood onto it. "What… what was it like…?"

"...Like sex? I don't know. How is it supposed to feel?"

"H-hot..." She tugged at her collar. "...Excuse me, I need to go take a cold shower."

With that, she retreated back into her room, leaving the eight of them there without her. Joan sighed.

"So, does anyone else have a problem with this?" she asked. "Because Jaune and I obviously don't."

"No, shut up!" Weiss interjected. "I am going to finish my speech about the multiverse!" She cleared her throat. "So, anyway, if you're both Jaune, then if Joan got pregnant, the baby would have only had one set of genes, right?"

"I'm reasonably certain that that's not how genetics work," Ren interjected.

Weiss ignored him in favor of continuing. "So, best case, we get a seriously messed-up baby. Worst case, we get another Jaune, and because there's already one here, the multiverse implodes."

Everyone exchanged a glance. "...Kind of a huge leap in logic, Weiss," Yang said incredulously.

"What? No, it's not. Back me up, Pyrrha."

Pyrrha, unfortunately, wasn't paying attention. She was too busy staring at Joan and muttering, over and over, "I'm not bisexual… I'm not bisexual… I'm not bisexual..."

Seeing that, Weiss threw up her hands in surrender. "You know what? Fine. Go ahead and bang as much as you want. In fact, why don't you just start pumping out kids? I'm sure everything will be just fine in the end. Just ignore what I have to say."

"Way ahead of you," Joan deadpanned. Weiss growled, then turned and stormed out. Seeing she was gone, Joan turned back to everyone else. "So, like I was saying, does anyone else have a problem with this?"

Everyone raised their hand. Jaune sighed.

This was going to be a long night.

* * *

Okay, on a certain level, it was probably wrong to be attracted to the girl version of yourself… but come on, she was literally everything he had ever wanted in a girl – she was really cute, she had the same personality and sense of humor as him, they shared all the same interests… it would have been a match made in Heaven if it weren't for the fact that they were technically the same person and she was from an alternate universe.

Not that that stopped them from continuing after the first day, of course – just that they recognized that this could never be anything more than a brief fling, however nice the arrangement was. It was honestly amazing, how it had worked out – Jaune had been super awkward around her the next day before she had approached him and shyly said that she was horny again, and asked if he wanted in.

Needless to say, he was in. And then he was out. And then he was back in again. Over and over, for the next half-hour or so. It was wrong, but it was so right.

Forbidden fruit, and all that. The only thing more forbidden than that would be fucking a Grimm-person, but what kind of idiot would be dumb enough to do that and not expect there to be consequences afterwards? That'd be like being involved in a secret war that was going on for untold millennia, yet still only having a plan that consists of 'Gather everyone together, stay calm, and wait for this whole thing to blow over'. Talk about being fucking stupid.

And so it had gone, until about a week after she had arrived. And now, things couldn't be more awkward between them and the others. Nobody was even making eye contact with either of them. At breakfast, they had all avoided talking to either of them. Frankly, it was getting annoying, and he was going to put a stop to it right now.

"Alright, that's enough," Jaune announced, causing them all to look over to him. "I'm sick of being treated like a pariah for this."

"I mean, you had sex with yourself," Yang pointed out. "That's basically incest."

"No, it's masturbation."

"You've tried arguing this before, and you've gotten nowhere with it."

"We're not related, so it's not incest."

"But you're two different people, so it's not masturbation."

"Actually, you're both wrong," Blake interjected. She held up a book. "According to my smut, this is called selfcest."

Jaune blinked. "...And what does that mean?"

"It's technically neither – it's a gray area."

"That's such a cop-out," Yang said, rolling her eyes.

"Okay, answer me this," Jaune challenged. "If an alternate version of you was here, would you fuck him?"

"Of course not!"

"Really? Think about what you would look like as a man, Yang – flowing blonde hair, stubble, a chiseled jawline, abs of steel, biceps for days..."

Yang's eyes widened. She bit her lip, causing Jaune to smirk. He had her.

"...Okay, you may have a point..." she admitted. "Yeah, I guess that would be pretty hot, then."

"Aha!" Joan shouted. "See?"

"That goes for all of you," Jaune said. "Obviously Blake would given the chance-"

"You're damn right," Blake interrupted with a nod. "Selfcest is a top-tier fetish. Also, I'd be hot as hell."

"You didn't even know what it was called until a minute ago!" Weiss protested.

"Still top-tier. Not my fault you have pleb tastes."

"Anyway," Jaune said, cutting them off. "Ruby, you absolutely would."

Ruby shook her head. "Nuh uh! That's gross!"

"Really? Think about it. He would love Crescent Rose as much as you. In fact, he would have another version of Crescent Rose. You could compare polearms. Maybe he'd even share his cookies and strawberries with you."

Ruby's eyes went wide. Her face flushed, and she looked down. "...C-cheap shot..."

"Ruby!" Weiss shouted in disbelief.

Jaune didn't stop there. He turned to Pyrrha. "You absolutely would, too."

Pyrrha blinked. She cast a glance over at Joan, then at Jaune, before shaking her head. "...Somehow, I don't think I'd be my type."

"No need to be modest. Anyone would be lucky to sleep with you, even you."

The redhead suddenly went as crimson as a tomato, slinking down into her chair. "...T-thank you..." she managed to get out.

Turning to Ren and Nora, Jaune said, "And don't act like you two wouldn't."

"Oh, I would," Nora said. At everyone's incredulous stare, she shrugged. "What? The more I think about it, the hotter it seems. Plus, who better to keep up with me than me? We could use Lightning Dust on each other and everything!"

Suddenly, Jaune was thankful that it was Joan who had arrived instead of Nora's alter-ego.

Ren, meanwhile, sighed before nodding. "...I suppose if Nora is okay with it, then..."

Jaune grinned smugly, then crossed his arms. "See? You're all just as bad as me. No point in hiding it."

Reluctantly, they all mumbled an agreement under their breath… all except Weiss, that is.

"You've all lost it," the heiress declared. "You're all out of your Gods-damned minds."

"Oh, really?" Joan challenged. "Because I know for a fact that a certain someone has been spending extra time in the chemistry lab, trying every possible combination of Dust she can to try and get her alternate self to appear."

Weiss' jaw hit the floor. She harrumphed, then looked away, crossing her arms. "I have done no such thing!"

"Really? You mean to tell me that you haven't even considered it, even for curiosity's sake?"

"Of course not!"

"Oh, but think about it," Joan replied, her tone suddenly becoming sultry. "Imagine the male version of yourself – flawless porcelain skin, over a lean physique. Imagine those icy blue eyes staring into yours as he pins you down with his glyphs, then ravishes you in the way that only you know you like. Imagine him fulfilling your every fantasy, even the ones you swear to always keep to yourself, because he has them too. Doesn't that sound nice?"

"...N-no..."

"Aha!" Joan shouted, pointing at her with glee. "You _have_ thought about it!"

"Alright, fine!" Weiss said, throwing her arms up. "Maybe I have thought about it! Maybe I just want a male version of myself to appear and pleasure me however I want! Maybe I _want _him to force me into a spread-eagled position with his glyphs, then unleash upon me an endless symphony of ecstasy in a way that only I can do to myself! There, I admit it! You happy now?!"

Joan settled back into her seat, a smug grin on her face. "Very happy, yes," she said proudly.

"...Well, now that we've established we're all equally degenerate, I guess nobody can blame me for taking advantage of the situation when it presented itself," Jaune announced.

Again, reluctant mumbles of agreement went up all around the table, this time even coming from Weiss. Jaune felt himself smirk.

It was nice to be a winner for a change.

* * *

With their friends' initial awkwardness and judgment now gone, Jaune and Joan were free to focus on their actual relationship… if it could be called that – right now, it was really more of a friends-with-benefits sort of thing. Jaune had no idea why – fleeting as a relationship between them would be, the two of them still seemed like a good fit for each other at first glance. They liked the same things, had the same personality, knew all about what the other person liked in bed… what was the problem with this, again?  
Currently, they were all in the cafeteria for breakfast. Class hadn't yet started, so they were free to load up on as much junk food and caffeine as they wanted before then. And Jaune knew just what to get first.

It was beckoning to him. That sweet, sweet ambrosia. It was the food of the divines. He who consumed it ceased to be a mere man, instead ascending to a higher plane of existence for however long it took for the sugar rush to wear off. It was absolutely radiant, each spoonful consisting of sheer, concentrated, processed, artificially-flavored ecstasy.

Pumpkin Pete's Marshmallow Flakes.

Jaune lined up behind the throng of students waiting to get their cereal, but he wasn't worried – nobody else really ate Pumpkin Pete's. According to them it was 'too sugary' or 'not good for you'; well, to them, he said bullshit. Sure, it may have been terrible for him, but he was willing to sacrifice his body for his taste buds, as all connoisseurs of good food had to be willing to do.

With a smile on his face, Jaune approached the front of the line, prepared to reap the rewards of having waited since yesterday morning. There was only one box of Pumpkin Pete's, same as always, but that didn't matter. He reached out for it.

And another hand met his.

He paused, then turned to see who it was.

_Of course._

Joan. It was natural, he supposed – the two of them were the same person, after all. Obviously, they would share the same taste in unhealthy breakfast foods.

"Jaune," Joan began, "I'm gonna need you to let go of the box."

"You first," he replied.

She tried to tug it towards herself, but he responded by pulling it back. Again, their gazes met, the two of them glaring at each other.

"You will not deny me this," Joan threatened.

"You're the one trying to deny me. Now let go."

"Never!"

And so a mini struggle ensued, the two of them warring over who would get the right to clog their arteries. On and on it went, with no clear winner in sight. After several seconds of back-and-forth, they again paused.

"I am not sharing," Jaune said. "I was here first."

"No, I was."

"Yeah? Well, I'm the original."

"Oh, yeah? Well, I'm the one who started the whole friends-with-benefits thing. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to claim my payment for services rendered."

She tried to pull the box towards herself, but Jaune refused to budge.

"You're forgetting something," he said. "You may have initiated the relationship, but I'm the one who pushes it forward."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you perform like a dead fish. You just lie there and take it."

"Yeah? Well, you just thrust away! Where's the clit action, Jaune?!"

"What are you guys doing?" Nora asked from behind them.

"Mind your own business!" they both shouted, causing her to shrink back.

With Nora dealt with, they turned back to each other.

Joan smirked. "You know, I had a better time with my fingers and my sex toys than with you."

"Oh, is that so? Well, I faked all my orgasms!"

"What? You're a guy, you can't fake an orgasm!"

"That's sexist."

"Sexist? I felt you squirt inside me last night, you fucking liar!"

"Well, I heard you scream out whenever you came!"

Ruby suddenly came up, tapping Jaune on the shoulder. "Uh, Jaune?"

"What?!" Jaune asked, whirling around to face her.

Ruby said nothing, instead simply motioning out over the cafeteria. The two of them turned to look, and found everybody standing there, frozen, doing nothing but staring at them with their jaws on the floor.

Only two people looked any different, those being Blake and Pyrrha. The former had a hand down her pants and the latter looked like she was torn between crying and asking something she really wanted to ask.

Jaune cleared his throat, then turned back to Joan. Reluctantly, he let go of the cereal box. "...You win, but only because I'm the one who will have to deal with the aftermath of this once you're gone."

Joan smirked victoriously. "Whatever you need to say to make yourself feel like less of a loser, Jaune."

"Of course, you realize that this means war."

"Oh, I know. And I've just decided something."

"Oh, yeah? Hit me."

"I'm thinking that maybe Weiss was right. Maybe the world only needs one Jaune Arc. And if that's the case, then I'm going to be the one. I will prove myself to be the original Jaune Arc, and you the mere copy."

"Well, I won't go quietly. If it's a fight you want, it's a fight you'll get."

"Fine by me." Joan paused. "...But I still want to keep having sex with you."

"Oh, obviously. But beyond that, I will destroy you."

"Bring it," Joan said.

Then, just to taunt him, she opened up the box and ate a handful of cereal. Jaune felt himself begin to fume, but rather than let her get to him, he simply turned and walked away.

She wanted war? She'd get war.

* * *

Unfortunately, Jaune had failed to consider the consequences of declaring war on Joan – namely, that she held the sole power to ruin his reputation, and there wasn't much he could do about it. Sure, he could try to embarrass her in a similar way – such as by revealing her deepest, darkest secrets, just as she had sworn to do to him – but it wouldn't stick, since eventually she would go back to her own world and be completely free of any consequences.

At least, he assumed. Ozpin had promised to have his top men working on that, but it was such an odd set of circumstances that Jaune doubted they would ever be able to replicate it. But even taking that into account, Joan just wasn't as easy to embarrass, since barely anybody knew about her compared to him.

Yeah, she had a reputation, but it was the opposite of his – he was the awkward geek who couldn't fight to save his life, and she was the _cute _awkward geek who couldn't fight to save her life, and apparently lots of guys (and girls) found that absolutely adorable rather than something to make fun of. It was honestly infuriating, how all of his weaknesses could somehow be turned into a strength for her.

_Curse my Y chromosome. _

Truly, being born with a vagina is basically living life on easy mode. Moment of silence for all my fellow kings out there – often forgotten, but not by me. Love you, my guys (in a completely platonic way, of course).

Alright, moment over. Stop feeling sorry for yourselves, you pussies – the last thing we need is more incels running around making us look bad.

Anyway, he had to admit, it wasn't all bad – at least he had a dick. Yeah, that'll show her. Suck it, Joan.

...In addition to the other times she had already sucked it, that is.

Pushing those thoughts from his mind, Jaune approached his dorm room and swiped his scroll over the e-reader. Stepping inside, he scowled when he found Joan lying on his bed, her face buried in a comic book.

"What are you doing?"

She turned a page. "Reading."

"...Is that one of my X-Ray and Vav comics?'

The corners of her mouth turned upwards. "Maybe."

Was she doing this on purpose? It was like living with Saphron all over again. Jaune sighed.

"I don't think I have to tell you that those are collector's items."

"Oh, I don't know." She turned another page. "For all we know, that could be different between our worlds." She peered at him from behind the book. "But what if it is? What are you gonna do about it?"

She had him there. There weren't exactly any earth-shattering secrets he could reveal that would sully her reputation, both because her reputation couldn't be sullied and because doing so would also sully his reputation. For all intents and purposes, she was invincible in that regard.

Unless…

Jaune grinned. It was an evil grin, of somebody who had just come up with a nefarious plan. That girl from Haven would love him right now.

What he was about to do was simply evil, in every sense of the word. He was going to reveal what should never have been revealed.

Jaune cleared his throat, then turned to where the rest of his team was lying on their beds.

"Hey, Pyrrha?"

The redhead looked up from her notes. "Yes, Jaune?"

"There's something you should know about Joan."

Pyrrha frowned. "Oh? What is it?"

Jaune cast a glance over at Joan. Predictably, she was ignoring him in favor of continuing to peruse his comic book collection.

_Let's see if we can't change that, shall we?_

"Pyrrha, have you noticed anything about your clothing drawer?"

Joan immediately paused, casting a glance over at him. "Jaune," she warned.

Jaune simply smirked at her, then turned back to Pyrrha. The champion thought for a moment.

"...I think I noticed some of my clothes were missing?" she said after a few seconds.

"Some of your underwear, you mean," Jaune said, making her blush. "No need to be so bashful – everyone wears them, after all."

"You better not," Joan said, putting the comic book aside.

Again, Jaune flashed her a grin before turning back to Pyrrha. "You're probably wondering why that is, right?" Tentatively, Pyrrha nodded. "Well, I'll tell you."

"I'm warning you," Joan interrupted, her tone becoming much more threatening.

Still, Jaune refused to take notice of her. "You know how when Joan arrived, she only had what she was wearing?" Pyrrha nodded once more. "And you know how we went out to buy her some clothes?" Another nod. Jaune's grin widened. "Well, we forgot to buy underwear, so-"

"Jaune!" Joan shouted.

"-SoSheBorrowedSomeOfYours!"

Jaune never got to see Pyrrha's reaction, as Joan took that moment to leap at him. The two collided in a tangle of limbs, rolling around on the floor as they struck at each other. Hair was pulled, balls were kicked… and through it all, Jaune continued to call out to the others.

"She decided she liked how they felt, and she thought it was hot that she was wearing your panties!" Jaune cried. "So she's still wearing them!"

"I'll kill you!" Joan shouted.

"I think she took some of Nora's, too! They're so undersized on her, it's like she's wearing a G-string!"

"Hot," Nora commented.

Ren tugged at his collar.

"Yeah? Well, Jaune forged his transcripts!" Joan called.

"Ha! They already know, bitch!" Jaune retorted.

"He jerks off in the shower!"

"That means you do, too!"

"So? It's not my world!"

"Joan likes it when I spank her!"

"Jaune has a fetish for blondes in glasses! Miss Goodwitch gets him rock-hard every time! Sometimes, when he's in Combat Class and nobody is looking, he rubs his dick through his pants under the desk!"

"You do it too, coomer!"

"Girls can't be coomers! We can't even coom!"

"Aha! So the female orgasm _isn't _real, and you admit it!"

"That's a huge leap of logic and you fucking know it!"

And so it went, the two of them rolling around in a ball of petty violence while the others simply watched, the whole time the two Arcs' commentary on each other continuing to get spicier.

In all the commotion, nobody noticed Pyrrha's gaze locked on the two of them, nor did they notice the fact that she was biting her lip and rubbing her legs together.

_Gods above, this is hot, _she thought to herself.

* * *

The more Jaune thought about it, the less he liked Joan.

The two of them were sitting in Combat Class, neither of them willing to even look at each other after what had just happened the day before. He was sure she felt the same way about him.

Sure, it was weird to say, given that she was literally him with two X chromosomes, but at this point he just couldn't deny it any longer. He didn't care if that meant he hated himself – in this case, that hatred was well-deserved.

And it wasn't just because of the fight they had just had, or her reading his comic books, or her stealing his cereal, or even her revealing what he liked in bed or ruining his reputation. It was all the little things – how she put on a veneer of fake bravado to pump herself up, how she carried herself with this unwarranted sense of self-importance, how she refused to stop eye-humping Weiss…

_Wait, she's checking out another girl? ...Does that mean I'm actually bisexual?_

He supposed that depended on if traps were gay or not… which, given how Joan looked about ready to jump Weiss, was probably a yes.

_Oh, Gods damn it._

M-maybe she was only doing that because she was pent-up? They hadn't had sex the night before, they were so pissed at each other. Y-yeah, that had to be the reason, right? Haha…

_Okay, that's some pretty pathetic denial, even for you._

Ignoring that little crisis of sexuality, he focused on his alter-ego once more. She was just so obnoxious. Was this really how he acted on a daily basis? Geez, no wonder he had so few friends.

You know, all that coupled with the fact that he had forged his transcripts and likely stolen some hopeful student's spot at Beacon kind of made him seem like an enormous asshole.

Seriously, what kind of prick did that? What next, was he just randomly going to start beating up a kid several years younger than himself for no good reason? At this point, he wouldn't be surprised.

_Man, I have _got _to stop acting like such a dick, because if Joan is this unbearable to me, I can't imagine how I must come off to others._

The buzzer sounded, indicating the match had ended. Professor Goodwitch brought her scroll up and started the randomizer, rolling her eyes at the result.

"Jaune Arc and Joan Arc, you're both up."

Oh, of fucking course. Well, at least this was someone he could actually conceivably beat. Rising from their seats, the two of them stepped into the ring, standing across from each other. They both drew their weapons, staring their opposite down.

At one point, their identical weapons, outfits, and last names would have attracted some questions, but thankfully Professor Goodwitch had covered for them by introducing Joan as Jaune's cousin.

Unfortunately, that only made their sexual escapades worse, as neither of them were very quiet. The whole floor probably knew they were banging by now, which boded ill for Jaune's reputation (after all, this was Vale, not Mistral; incest was still considered taboo here)… not that he cared, given how much damage Joan had already done to it by telling everybody about his love for monster girls.

Hey, don't blame him – turns out that Blake had better taste in smut than she let on. Like half of the fetishes he had developed after arriving at Beacon were her fault, traps included.

_Why do I hang out with her, anyway? Literally nothing good has ever come of it._

His thoughts were cut off by Professor Goodwitch stepping out of the ring.

"Combatants ready?" she asked.

"Ready!" they both replied.

"Standby… begin!"

This was it – his chance to face an opponent on his level. Their skills should be about equal, so this was a fight that he could actually win. Coupled with his greater strength, and it shouldn't have even been a contest.

The two of them charged in, their swords meeting…

...And it was a stalemate. Whenever one of them tried to do something, the other either dodged or blocked with their shield. Within seconds, the reason was obvious – they had both spent weeks training with Pyrrha, so naturally going up against someone who was as bad as their alter-ego was going to be ridiculously easy by comparison. Not only that, but they knew each other's tricks, so there was no way they were ever going to be able to take the other by surprise.

The two of them locked blades, staring each other down. Neither sword moved, even with Jaune's greater strength. They were stuck. There was zero progress being made. Out of the corner of his eye, Jaune saw Goodwitch check her watch, clearly bored out of her skull. A glance up to the wall-mounted clock showed that they still had thirty minutes left in class, which was just fucking great. Unless a miracle happened, they were stuck like this.

So, naturally, the two of them decided to do the only thing they could to make this fight actually progress.

"Joan can cum just from having her nipples played with!"

"Jaune's into feet!"

"Joan's always wanted to try sleeping with a girl!"

"Jaune is interested in prostate play!"

And needless to say, it was embarrassing for both of them.

Unfortunately, in addition to embarrassing, it was also ineffective – despite their best efforts, neither one was able to make any headway against the other. Eventually, Miss Goodwitch got tired of sitting there with her eye twitching and decided to take matters into her own hands.

"Enough!" the professor shouted.

Raising her riding crop, she forcibly separated both of them. The two Arcs stared each other down, neither one wanting to relax.

"This fight is over," Glynda announced. "Return to your seats."

Jaune and Joan said nothing, both of them simply gathering their gear and heading up to join their friends. They sat on opposite sides of the group, neither one willing to look at each other. Their friends exchanged a quick glance among themselves.

"Lover's quarrel?" Yang asked.

"Something like that," Jaune replied.

"Ah. Lemme guess: it's over something stupid?"

"Pumpkin Pete's is _not _stupid!" Joan protested.

"So that's a yes, then."

Weiss suddenly cleared her throat, glaring at Jaune. "Must you reveal her secrets to the world?"

Jaune's jaw dropped. "What the hell, Weiss? Did you miss the part where she did the same to me? Why am I getting the blame for this?"

"I mean, you have to understand that these are terrible optics for you. Everyone's just going to assume that you started it since you're the guy."

Jaune crossed his arms, grumbling. No, it wasn't fair, but that was just the way the world worked. He probably should have expected that something like this was going to happen when he first set this plan into motion, but then again he had been forced to skip breakfast thanks to a certain someone, so it was understandable why he hadn't.

Well, understandable to him, that is.

Women just don't understand how important trivial bullshit like this is to men. At this point, it wasn't even about the cereal as much as it is having her take what was his, and him being butthurt about that.

_Probably a poor choice of words, given one of the secrets she just revealed about me._

He could already tell he wasn't about to live down that comment about prostate play any time soon. And that had been told to her in confidence, too. What a bitch.

"You know what?" he suddenly announced. "Joan, I don't think this is going to work."

"You read my fucking mind," she replied. "You're an asshole, Jaune."

"Oh, like you're not just as bad. Anyway, I've decided that I can't stand you, what with your stupid hoodie, your stupid blonde hair, and your stupid blue eyes."

"You're describing yourself too, you dickass."

"Yeah, but I make this stuff look good. You're just a pale imitation."

"Oh, so certain of that, are you? Who's to say that you're not the imitation, and I'm the original?"

"Well, we're in _my _world, for one. Kinda lends a lot of credence to my theory."

As the two of them bickered, nobody paid any attention to the figure in the middle, someone who was steadily losing her mind.

_This is getting out of hand, _Pyrrha thought to herself. _If I don't do something, I'm going to miss out! This calls for drastic measures.  
_And she knew just what those drastic measures were going to have to be.

* * *

The night was promising to be a relatively normal one. Ren and Nora were off on their bi-weekly midnight sloth-spotting trip in the Emerald Forest, and Pyrrha was nowhere to be found. That left Jaune and Joan alone in their dorm room, the two of them doing their best to relax but failing miserably as they silently seethed at one another.

"Bitch."

"Assclown."

Or, occasionally, not-so-silently seethed at each other.

Honestly, neither one could help it. Turns out that your other half is actually kind of insufferable – after all, there's a big reason why there's only one of you, that being that the world can only _handle _one of you. Naturally, there was going to be some friction. At this point, Jaune was thanking his lucky stars that said friction had been limited to trading barbs with his alter ego instead of the universe blowing up or something equally as stupid.

Still, he was going to miss getting to literally fuck himself. At this point, despite their earlier declarations that they wanted to keep having sex, it was looking as if a physical relationship was off the table – their fighting had progressed to the point where it was going to take an actual universe-bending, odds-defying miracle to undo the damage enough that they could be pushed together and would willingly sleep with each other again.

But what were the odds of some weird shit like that happening? That kind of thing only happened in bad stories written by hack writers, after all.  
Suddenly, the door came flying open. Both of them couldn't help but jump at it, but they both relaxed upon seeing it was just Pyrrha.

"Hey, Pyrrha," Jaune greeted.

To his astonishment, the redhead didn't say anything. Instead, she focused in on Joan like a high-wattage laser, marching over to where the blonde girl was lying on her bed. Joan raised an eyebrow as she approached, sitting up straight.

"Uh, hey?" the female Arc said. "So, what's going on? Something I should be-"

She never got a chance to finish as Pyrrha suddenly leaned down and grabbed her by the back of the head, then brought her in for a _very _passionate kiss. Joan was surprised at first, but eventually relaxed, allowing herself to get _really _into it. She closed her eyes and moaned into the kiss, as did Pyrrha. Jaune, meanwhile, found himself stuck watching, feeling his jeans suddenly get _very _tight.

And then Joan cracked an eye open and gave him a smug look, and he scowled.

_Oh sure, rub it in, you bitch._

Sad thing was, he wasn't sure if he was more jealous about Pyrrha getting with Joan or Joan getting with Pyrrha. Either way, this had gone on long enough.

"Alright, what's going on?" he questioned.

Pyrrha instantly broke the kiss, leaving Joan a panting mess. Turning to Jaune, she flushed red.

"Jaune, I'm bisexual."

Jaune blinked. "...Yes, I think I realized that."

"Good. Because I'm going to have sex with Joan now."

"Yes please," Joan said, a dopey grin on her face.

Jaune's scowl deepened. "Well, this is just great. Guess I'm just gonna go and-"

"Oh, no you don't," Pyrrha announced. "I spent all day planning this, and I'm not letting you get away."

"...You spent all day planning to just come in and kiss Joan out of nowhere?"

"Yes."

Well, now he knew why he was leader and not Pyrrha. "...I see. And what do you mean, you're not letting me get away?"

"I want a threesome with you and her."

Jaune felt a miniature sun explode behind his eyes. The entire world went bright white for a second. It was as if his entire brain had just short-circuited. He was reasonably certain that a choir of angels had descended from Heaven and started singing 'Hallelujah', but upon listening a bit closer, that was obviously just someone blasting some Casey Lee Williams.

Seriously, that girl's music fucking _slaps. _How come everything about this show is so enjoyable aside from the show itself, which is kind of ass, albeit steadily improving ass? No wonder people just consume the music and fanfics – it's generally better than actually watching the damn thing.

Anyway, Joan, on the other hand, raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"You heard me," Pyrrha stated. "I have waited for this for too long, and I am not about to let my one chance at sleeping with you two pass me by! Now, are you both in, or are you out?"

Well, talk about asking a question he didn't even need to think about the answer to.

"I'm in," Jaune instantly said.

Joan rolled her eyes at that. "Figures… but yeah, I'm in."

Pyrrha couldn't hold back her grin. "Yes! Let's make it a night to remember!"

The other two had no idea just how much she meant those words.

* * *

Hours later, all three of them sat back, though the only one really basking in the afterglow was Pyrrha. Jaune and Joan, meanwhile, were still shellshocked, but in a good way.

"Uh..." Joan began, unsure of exactly what to say.. "I-I mean… that was… _wow…"_

"Gotta admit, I didn't think you would actually take the stupid things we revealed about each other into account," Jaune said.

Pyrrha looped an arm around both of them as she leaned against the headboard. "What can I say? I'm a very generous lover."

Jaune definitely couldn't argue with that, especially not after that thing she had done with her finger (he was a degenerate, fucking sue him). However, there was one thing that was still bugging him.

"So, Pyrrha," he began, "obviously this didn't come from nowhere. So, I have to ask: how long were you into me?" At Joan's nasty look, he quickly added, "Uh, I mean, how long were you into us?"

Pyrrha couldn't help but blush. "Oh, Jaune, I'm so happy you asked! Well, to tell you the truth-"

She never got to finish, as a large portal suddenly tore itself open in the center of the room. The three of them yelped, bringing the covers up to hide themselves from whatever was coming through. But to Jaune's surprise, it wasn't a terrible mother – rather, it was… uh… a tall, yellow, faceless man with antlers?

The man turned to look at them, his faceless expression seeming to bore a hole into Jaune's soul. Raising a hand, he pointed it at Jaune. "You."

His voice seemed to resonate across the room. Slowly, Jaune nodded. "Y-yes?"

"I am the God of Light. I understand that a great transgression has occurred here. Explain to me what you have just done."

Now, Jaune had always been told never to kiss and tell, but when a giant naked yellow man with antlers appears in your room, all bets are off.

"Um, I had a threesome with my alter-ego from another universe and my best friend."

"I see. And did you use protection?"

"...I mean, I pulled out? That's kinda like protection."

"No it isn't!" Weiss called from across the hall.

"...It's better than nothing."

"Silence!" The God of Light shouted, causing him to instantly shut up. "You mean to tell me that you, Jaune Arc, have slept with Pyrrha Nikos."

"Yes."

"And not only that, but you've also gotten your alter-ego, Joan Arc, pregnant?"

Instantly, Jaune's expression fell. He slowly turned towards Joan, who met his expression with one of her own. Needless to say, there was only one word that could properly sum up what Jaune was feeling right now.

"Fuck."

And then everything went to hell. There was suddenly a _massive _explosion; the room seemed to turn photo-negative, all the colors inverting as the world seemed to suddenly collapse in on itself.

"You fools!" the God of Light cried. "Not only did you three get Joan pregnant by Jaune, resulting in two identical Jaune Arcs in a single world, but even worse than that, you've actually let Arkos win! Do you have any idea what this means?! You've messed with the natural order! The very laws of creation that govern the universe have been violated! Reality is unraveling before our very eyes!"

"What's happening?" Jaune cried.

"It's the multiverse!" Joan shouted. "The multiverse is collapsing!"

"Ha! Fuck you, I was right!" Weiss called from across the hall.

Unfortunately for Weiss, she would have no time to celebrate the one victory she had ever achieved in her entire life. In mere moments, all of Remnant was pulled into a giant black hole, the very fabric of reality seeming to collapse under the weight of the two Arc's hubris. Just before all consciousness faded across every possible reality, one final thought flashed through Jaune's head.

_Doesn't matter – had a threesome._

And with that, he happily let himself and the rest of creation collapse into nothingness.

Still totally worth it, though.

* * *

**Special thanks to Xavier: Renegade Angel, from which I took several parts of that little exchange between Jaune and Joan at the start (S1E10 of X:RA, to be exact). I did my best to change it around to reflect the pairing a bit better, but I fear I only made it worse – that's what happens when you mess with perfection, though. I recommend you all go and watch that episode immediately, then come back to make fun of me for doing the same thing, but shitty. And when you're done with that, watch the rest of the episodes, because that show is underrated as all hell and deserves a lot more recognition than it gets.**

**Anyway, now there's an ending for you – a good end followed immediately by a bad end. Definitely a real rollercoaster ride of emotions. **

**This was a lot more fun than it should have been. It's probably the dumbest pairing so far, but that just gave me a lot to work with. Pyrrha's reaction alone was a good time, and also a chance to finally be nice to her for once – she's been shit on this entire fic, so I figured I'd finally throw her a bone this time, and boy did I. A shame that the multiverse imploded mere minutes afterwards, but hey, she got a threesome out of it. No regrets, I'm sure.**

**I should mention that I've been getting some complaints about how Jaune seems to come off like an asshole in some of these, so I'll be taking steps to address that from now on. My bad, guys. I'm not trying to bash or anything, sometimes I just get so caught up in going for comedy that I can't see the forest for the trees. I'll be doing my best to avoid this from now on. But until then, Jaune gets a taste of his own medicine by coming face-to-face with himself and realizing he's kind of acting like a huge ass.**

**Besides that, I don't have much else. This is probably one of my favorite R63 chapters so far, probably because it's fucking stupid. Definitely not quite on the level of Eve Taurus, but it's up there. **

**Also, because I'm curious and have to know: how many of you out there, if given the opportunity, would actually fuck your R63 counterpart? Personally, I know I _say _I wouldn't, but given that it's looking like my only options would be 'Sleep with my female alter-ego' or 'Die a virgin', I'd be sorely tempted. It'd definitely be weird though, and I know I'd probably regret it afterwards, but that's just me. **

**Next update: Saturday, July 11.**


	18. He Has No Style

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 17: Coco, or: He Has No Style

* * *

It should have been easy.

"No."

This was supposed to be his chance to prove to everyone that he wasn't a loser.

"No."

Dating an upperclassman was supposed to be a surefire sign that you were someone important, and that others ought to respect you.

"Hell, no."

Unfortunately, it hadn't turned out that way.

Jaune sighed as Coco continued to force him into clothes, then step back and examine them with a careful eye. They had been at this for several hours today already, and it was starting to drain on him. You'd think that doing something like this would get easier after a bit, and you'd be right… that is, if Coco didn't insist on doing this every weekend.  
Yet again, she forced him into another uncomfortable shirt. And here he was, thinking that having his cute girlfriend strip him down to his underwear and dress him up would be sexy. Instead, it was just annoying.

Rolling his eyes, Jaune gave his girlfriend a look. "Coco, are we just about done?"

"Almost," she said, waving him off. "Just a few more outfits, or until we find something you look good in."

Funny – she had said the same thing twelve outfits ago. Somehow, he could just tell that this was going to go on for another hour.

On a certain level, he appreciated what Coco was doing – she was a lot more well-off than he was, and in a reversal of the usual way these things went, she saw nothing wrong with spending copious amounts of money on him in order for him to have the things she deemed as necessities, which naturally meant the best clothes, the best shampoos and body washes, the finest male fragrances… yeah, she went overboard, and no, he wasn't comfortable with it.

As much as Jaune liked the thought behind what Coco was doing, the act of accepting so many expensive gifts from her made him deeply uncomfortable, and not just because he was a guy and guys hate it when people spend a ton of money on useless shit – naturally, having seven sisters meant that he had grown up kind of poor, so he had gotten used to seeing money as a rare commodity. Knowing that Coco was consistently spending so much on him didn't make him happy, in fact it really just made him feel like shit.

As if on cue, she slipped an expensive-looking watch on his wrist, causing him to roll his eyes. "Coco, this is getting to be a bit much."

Again, she waved him off. "Oh, Jaune, don't be silly. You know I love spoiling you."

"I mean it, Coco. I don't need any of this."

"Yes, you do – your fashion sense is terrible."

"Yes, I know, which is why you bought me like ten outfits _last _weekend. You ought to remember this – I wore one here."

In fact, he had, and it was a nice one, too – a pair of designer jeans (which were identical to his old jeans except for the fancy logo on the zipper and the inflated price tag) and a long-sleeved gray Henley shirt (which, admittedly, looked good on him, highlighting the contours of his developing physique quite nicely – he had to admit that Coco definitely knew what she was doing).

To his dismay, she once again waved him off. "All that stuff is outdated."

"Outdated?" he echoed. "It's all like a week old!"

"Exactly – it's so last week. It's all getting tossed when we get back to Beacon, and then replaced with this new stuff."

Jaune was dumbstruck. She had spent literally thousands of lien on him, and now it was all just getting thrown away? That was ridiculous – starving Faunus children in Menagerie could have eaten those clothes (that was not a joke – Goodwitch was still repairing the damage from when Coco had found that one moth Faunus gnawing on his new wardrobe).

Also, what the fuck was up with the world of fashion? How the hell could something be in-style one week and then out-of-style the next? What kind of sense did that make? Who even dictated whether or not something was actually 'in-fashion'? Truly, these were questions that no man was meant to know the true answers to, much like how women were never meant to know the true answers to the questions 'why can't you just stop and ask for directions', or 'if it came down to me or your dog, which would you pick' or 'do these pants make my butt look big, and be honest'.

Honestly, the world of fashion could go fuck itself. Clothes were meant to be worn, which meant that they ought to be _functional _more than anything. Whoever came up with the idea of making fancy clothes and charging an arm and a leg for them is not only an asshole, he's history's biggest grifter. Nobody is impressed, you chode.

Anyway, where was he? Ah, right – trying to convince his cute girlfriend not to spend ungodly amounts of money on him. Right.

"Coco, I'm begging you," Jaune began, "Please, _please _don't buy me all this stuff. I really don't need it."

She lowered her sunglasses slightly, peering at him from behind the frames. "Jaune, we've been over this."

Yes, they had, and she had given him an ultimatum – either accept the nice things I'm buying you, or no more sex. And yes, before you say anything – _yes, _he realized that it was weird. Unfortunately, she didn't… or maybe she did and just didn't care. Honestly, she was hard to read sometimes.

"Why do you insist on doing this? I've already told you that I'm perfectly happy with the things I already have."

"Ah, but there's the kicker – _I'm _not happy with the things you already have, therefore I must buy you new things."

Okay, this one takes some explaining, so here it is in a simple-to-understand form: you know how female celebrities like to carry those little rat dogs around as a fashion statement? Yeah, apparently that was what Coco saw him as. It certainly answered his question of why she still bothered to spend so much on him, but it didn't make him feel any more comfortable about it. In fact, it made him feel the opposite, because holy fuck, how couldn't it? That was weird as hell.

_Probably should have anticipated something like this when I asked out the fashionista and she immediately started telling me what to wear to our date._

Hell, she was _still _telling him what to wear during their dates, to say nothing of what she told him to wear during sex. You'd think role play would be a fun time, but nah, it had to be _fashionable _role play. It wasn't enough that he was dressing up as the policeman who was offering her an alternate way to get out of a ticket, no, it had to be an _actual _police uniform with _actual _duty belt and full kit for maximum style points, which naturally probably cost a great deal of money… and, on another note, he still wasn't sure if it was even legal to own.

Also, they had used real handcuffs, which had been fine until they realized that they didn't have the key to it. Isn't dating Coco just grand?

How'd that old saying go? 'No plan survives contact with the enemy?' Well, no plan survived contact with Coco, either. Whenever they thought up something sexy or romantic to try, _something _inevitably went wrong.

But at least that was just a saying, and it didn't hold any weight beyond him and Coco. It would absolutely suck if, for example, a secret cabal of people were making plans to keep the world safe, only for those plans to be undone by like three people and the stupidest terrorist group in the world. But what were the odds of that happening? Honestly, that was about as likely as that Penny girl actually being a robot instead of just a huge sperg.

"Look," Jaune began, "I really do appreciate you buying me all this stuff-"

"Oh, great! Then I guess I should keep doing it."

"-But I'm gonna have to ask you to stop," Jaune continued. "Because accepting it makes me feel weird."

"What's weird about it? I'm just a girl, buying her lovely boyfriend some gifts."

"...Well, yes, but-"

"Then what's the problem?" She placed a hand on her hip. "I just don't get why this is such a concern for you."

"Because it makes me feel weird, alright? I don't like the idea of people spending a whole bunch of money on me, especially when I haven't really done anything to earn it."

Coco raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean, you haven't really done anything to earn it?"

"What do you mean, what do I mean? Shouldn't that be kind of obvious?"

"I guess, but you've totally earned it."

That caught him by surprise. "I have?"

She nodded, then pulled out her scroll. "Check this out."

She opened up a page on her scroll, and Jaune instantly felt his face flush red with embarrassment. He looked at his girlfriend, speechless. She simply gave him a sly grin, followed by a playful punch to the shoulder.

"Congrats, ladykiller – you're officially an e-thot."

Jaune groaned, burying his face in his hands. Okay, on a certain level, it wasn't that bad – all it was was a page consisting of him trying on different outfits, each one designed to show off his muscles.

Coco nodded in appreciation as she scrolled through them. "Yeah, I originally intended for this to just be a showcase for myself, but apparently girls go crazy for the twunk physique. Funny how that works – they couldn't care less about a guy who's ripped and huge, all they really want is for a guy to have abs like the main character in the movie _Combat Organization." _She shrugged. "I didn't expect for the page to take off the way it did, but it turns out that your bod is _perfect,_" she said. Adding on to that, she gave him a sultry look. "And wouldn't I know it?"

_At least none of them are dirty, _Jaune thought to himself.

"And hey, wait until you see the numbers we're pulling on the lewd photosets and videos!"

Instantly, he froze. "...Please don't tell me you just said what I think you just said."

"What, the lewd stuff? Yeah, they exist, and they're hella popular."

Jaune was just going to ignore the fact that she had said 'hella' in favor of the more heinous crime here. "Coco, did you… record me when we had sex?"

"What? Don't be silly."

_Oh, that's a relief._

"I recorded _us _when _we_ had sex," she said proudly.

_Oh, Gods damn it._

"Why would you do that?" Jaune asked.

She scratched the back of her head. "Well, I wasn't gonna record you with another girl, and it's not exactly easy to get footage of you masturbating-"

"No, I mean, why would you _want _that footage?!"

"Isn't it obvious? You're smoking, Jaune. Chicks love you."

That made him pause. "...What?"

She nodded, a sly grin crossing her face. "Babe, have you looked at yourself since you got to Beacon and started training with Pyrrha? You've got it going on. Sure, you're not ripped and juicy like some of the muscleheads at school, but your body looks _fantastic – _super lean and athletic-looking, with excellent muscle insertions all around. You're ridiculously aesthetic, and the best part is, it doesn't look like you got it by spending hours in the gym."

"...Girls care about that?"

Again, she nodded. "Oh, yeah. You see, girls have this thing where they love guys to be super fit, but they hate it when they think guys spend hours at the gym, because that means he's vain and only cares about himself."

"...Then why do they care if he's fit? They don't think a nice body is just something that happens, do they?"

She shrugged. "Who knows?"

Truthfully, he did – he was reasonably certain that girls thought that all guys needed to do to get killer abs was not eat and do lots of crunches. News flash, gentlemen – that's not how you get good abs. If you want abs and that V-cut, it's all about cutting body fat – lowering calories, watching your nutrition, and doing lots of cardio. And even then, the only way you're getting abs like bodybuilders or fitness models is if you roid, fast, and dehydrate yourself like crazy. Did you know that when you see fitness models on the cover of magazines or bodybuilders in competition, they're actually at their weakest because they've dehydrated themselves so much to temporarily achieve the look they're going for? Food for thought.

Anyway, thanks for coming to my fitness TED talk.

Anyway, where were we? Ah, yes – Jaune having an existential crisis.

"Alright, so let me get this straight," Jaune began. "So, it turns out that I happen to have a body that women go crazy over."

"Yup," Coco replied.

"And you decided to capitalize on this by making a social media page for me without my knowledge, from which you harvested clout and money from unsuspecting female simps and femcels."

"So far so good."

"And then, to really complete it, you went and filmed us whenever we had sex, then posted it to another page specifically dedicated towards our lewds."

"Got it in one."

Jaune frowned. "Okay. Just wanted to make sure that I had that figured out."

He suddenly groaned, then buried his head in his hands once more. "Mom's gonna kill me..."

Coco gave him a sympathetic look. "I… wouldn't be so sure about that."

"Why?" Jaune asked, his voice muffled by his hands. "Do you know her or something? Honestly, it'd be the least weird thing to happen today."

"Not quite. Take a look at this."

Reluctantly, Jaune raised his head out of his hands, then accepted the scroll Coco offered him. He saw that it was one of their lewd videos. She motioned for him to scroll down to the comments, and he did, even more reluctantly reading through the things that desperate women had left on it.

_Snow_White_69: I can't believe I passed up on this…_

_Drag0nfir3: get it vomit boy_

_Queen_Of_Grimm: Ah, so these are the bounties of the 'DustNet' I have been hearing about… I must say, this is exquisite. For too long, I have been denied the pleasures of the flesh.  
_

_Deputy_Headbitchtress: Person above me is a thot._

_Queen_Of_Grimm: Silence thyself, fool! And what is this 'thot' you speak of? Unless it is a regal title, I suggest you hold your tongue, knave!_

_Deputy_Headbitchtress: Hold these tits, hoe. Best unfuck yourself before I do it for you, and Gods know I won't be gentle about it. Bitches get stitches._

_Iroquois Pliskin (Verified): Does anyone else think it's weird how we like to watch other people bang? I mean, no other living things except people and Faunus like to watch others have sex. Where did that come from? What makes us want to see other people get it on? Are we just wired strangely compared to other animals on Remnant?_

_Drag0nfir3: how the fuck you verified as iroquois pliskin_

_Red_Reaper: im fifteen and what is this_

Jaune gave Coco a flat look, but she just motioned for him to keep reading. Rolling his eyes, he continued past the degeneracy until he finally found one comment that made him pause.

"...Uh, Coco?"

"Yes, lover of mine?"

"...Is this comment saying what I think it's saying?"

"That depends on what you think it's saying."

"I _think _it's saying that my mother is very proud of me. She's happy that she raised a strong boy with a healthy sex drive who managed to find a nice girl to record himself having sex with. She's also proud that my dick turned out about as big as my dad's, and also that I have pretty big cumshots." He looked at Coco, his expression blank. "And I _also _think that it's just someone LARPing as my mom… or rather, I would if they hadn't created an account with the username 'Mama_Arc_:)', with said username linked to her email address."

At that, Coco winced. "Ouch."

"It's pretty bad."

"Tell me about it – she actually created an account to comment that, and linked her real email address to it. That's pretty embarrassing."

Calmly, Jaune handed the scroll back to her. "Hey, Coco?"

"Yes, love?"

"If you don't mind, I'm going to freak out now."

"Go ahead, you've earned it."

"Thank you."

With that, Jaune took a deep breath and then proceeded to scream until he lost consciousness.

* * *

If he was being honest, there were only a few things worse than him not knowing that his girlfriend was recording their sexy times together. One of them was knowing that his mom liked to watch.

And the other…

"Jaune, for the love of – _mmf! _– turn to the right a bit! That's your good side!"

The other was, without a doubt, him _knowing _that she was recording their sexy times.

_How do I get myself into these messes? _Jaune thought to himself.

It shouldn't have been as easy to get him to go along with this as it was. Once he had figured out what Coco was doing, he had intended to try and get her to shut it all down. She would protest, of course, but ultimately he was sure that she would understand – after all, he wasn't sure if his sanity could handle knowing that his mom was watching him get some.

But as it turned out, she was raking in _lots _of money doing this. And like a true e-thot, he couldn't help but give in when he had seen just how much she was making, as well as how much she had promised to start paying to him as his cut instead of paying him in clothes.

Honestly, it wasn't such a bad deal – not only did he get to regularly have sex with a cute bisexual girl who he really loved, but he also indirectly got paid to do it, like some kind of reverse prostitution deal (…or would that just be regular prostitution? Did girls even pick up male prostitutes? Food for thought…)

Anyway, the point was that he was a weak man, and more importantly, he was a weak man who had grown up dirt-poor and was now pulling in literally thousands of lien each week simply by getting his dick wet. Sure, it came at the cost of his sanity… but on the plus side, he was now swimming in moolah.

"And, cut!" Coco said.

At that, Jaune quickly pulled out, rolling off his girlfriend to lie alongside her. She leaned over and gave him a quick peck on the cheek, then reached for the camera.

"How was it?" Jaune asked.

"Oh, like you even need to question it," Coco said, flashing him a grin. "You're getting better at this, you know."

That, of course, was the benefit to dating a girl slightly older and more experienced than you – provided she was patient, she'd have no problem teaching you the best ways to get her off. Sure, it was weird that she was using the accumulated knowledge and experience from dating a few other girls… but to be fair, he wasn't complaining if she wasn't complaining.

"How's the footage?" he asked.

"Footage looks good," she replied. "Could probably go for some reverse cowgirl, so we'll do that next. How's your outfit treating you?"

At that, Jaune looked down at himself, frowning. "You know, I'm really not sure about this choice in clothing."

"Why not? You look really stylish in it."

"Oh, it's not that. It's just, um… well, I don't think Weiss or Blake would appreciate what we're doing..."

Coco rolled her eyes. "Then let them disapprove. Honestly, they've both got huge sticks up their asses, so anything that pisses them off is a win in my book."

He didn't disagree, but at the same time, this felt as weird as it did just plain wrong. Currently, they were trying one of Coco's new role play scenarios, one which she had dubbed 'The Schnee and the White Fang'. What that translated to was her dressing up in clothing that looked exactly like Weiss' most famous outfit and pretending to be a Schnee while he dressed up in a White Fang outfit and a pair of fake ears and ravished her (consensually, of course – wouldn't want to make it _too _weird by making it consensual non-consent).

Needless to say, it had taken some getting used to, and had also raised some questions about how exactly Coco had even managed to source these outfits in the first place. Her response was to tell him not to question her clout in the fashion world, and also to just nut up and fuck her already. Naturally, he had obliged, even if doing this left a bad taste in his mouth.

"Alright, let's get back to it," Coco declared, returning the camera to its position before climbing on top of him and pulling his mask down to cover his eyes. Jaune didn't try to stop her, even if he knew this was going to bite him in the ass. Much like putting a White Fang member and a Schnee together on the same team, this was only going to end poorly.

Seriously, what the fuck was Ozpin thinking?

_Man, this is going to go down like a lead balloon tomorrow, I just know it._

* * *

As it turned out, he had been completely right. The only surprising thing was that it had taken until around noon for the shit to actually hit the fan. He had been eating lunch with Coco when Weiss and Blake had both stormed over, the two of them looking positively livid.

Jaune saw them approach, and instantly felt the blood drain from his face. Timidly, he raised a hand. "Uh, hey-"

"Stuff it," Weiss hissed at him.

He obliged without complaint, instead looking over to his girlfriend for help. She simply leaned back, a smug look on her face.

"Afternoon, ladies," the brunette greeted. "What can I do for you?"

"Oh, I think you've got a pretty good idea," Blake replied, clearly unamused. "Where do you get off, exactly?"

"Well, if I'm being honest, I'd say I was getting off on my bed."

"That's not what we meant!" Weiss stated. Glaring at Coco, she added, "How dare you!"

Alright, things were clearly going to get heated if he didn't step in and do something.

"Now, ladies," Jaune began, "let's not do anything too-"

"You didn't even get any really good POV shots of him!"

Instantly, Jaune froze. "...What?"

Coco lowered her shades, peering at Weiss from behind the frame. "Uh, what was that?"

"You heard me," the heiress spat. "You're missing all the good footage! Where's the POV shots? How am I supposed to properly enjoy seeing Jaune fuck if I can't _see _Jaune fuck like I'm the one he's fucking?"

"And don't get me started on how it's all just PIV," Blake interrupted. "Come on, you've gotta add some spice to it! Where's the anal?"

Of course the girl with ass for days would be interested in anal. But that was neither here nor there.

"Wait, time out," Jaune said. "You mean you two aren't mad about what we were dressed like?"

The two of them exchanged a glance. "Why would we be mad about that?" Weiss asked. "It was _hot. _I mean, wearing my outfits? Hearing you both refer to Coco as another Schnee? It was like I was _there – _like it was designed to get me immersed."

Blake nodded in agreement. "And the implicit love story, the forbidden relationship between a Schnee and a White Fang member..." She shivered, a blissful sigh escaping her. "...So romantic."

Needless to say, Jaune was only getting more confused. Turning to Coco, he asked, "I don't suppose you know what's going on?"

Her response was simply to smirk. "Isn't it obvious, Jaune? You've clearly got yourself a couple of fans here."

Well, there was certainly a thought. Blake and Weiss, two of the hottest girls in school… were fans of his. Definitely a confidence boost.

Both girls suddenly nodded vigorously. "It's true," Weiss said. "I used to not like you, but then I saw your body..." She bit her lip. "...I must say, I'm very jealous of Coco. ...Um, if you ever break up-"

"Hey, sister," Coco interrupted, sounding very unamused. "Watch where you go with this. I've still got my minigun here with me."

She hefted her handbag up into view for emphasis, instantly making Weiss pale. The heiress nodded, seeming to back off.

And then there was one.

Blake approached shyly, looking very bashful. "Hey, Jaune…?"

He sighed, somehow knowing that this was going to be ridiculous. "Yes, Blake?"

"If… if it's not too much trouble, would you… um… sign my thighs?"

Yup, it was ridiculous… ridiculously _sexy. _If he weren't with Coco, he probably would have taken her up on that offer.

"Hey," Coco once again cut in, sounding even more unamused. "Lay off." Turning to Jaune, she said, "Look, but don't touch."

Jaune held up his hands in surrender. "You know you're the only one for me, babe."

"Good. Be sure that you keep it that way." Turning back to Weiss and Blake, she said, "So what brings you two here, anyway? Besides complaining about how I run things, that is."

Both girls exchanged a glance before looking back to her, each one seeming a bit more bashful.

"...We just wanted to see Jaune," Weiss admitted.

"Well, you've seen him," Coco replied.

Blake shook her head. "No, you misunderstand – we wanted to _see _Jaune."

Coco's eyes narrowed. "Yeah, well it's not happening." Looking at Jaune, she added, "And we're gonna have a talk later."

Jaune was dumbfounded. "What did I do?!"

"You're too hot. Sooner or later, I'm going to run into a woman I can't defeat, and then there's gonna be trouble."

"We could always just stop making the vid-"

"No!" Weiss suddenly exclaimed, slamming her hand on the table and making him jump. "You are _not _going to stop making those videos! I _need _them!"

Made sense. Honestly, with someone as prissy and uptight as Weiss, this was probably her first time actually experiencing something lewd. Gods know that Neptune didn't have the courage to actually bang her. He was so afraid of water that he was probably scared of his own jizz.

Also, how the fuck does someone with a paralyzing fear of water even become a Huntsman? At some point, someone was going to have to realize that being a Huntsman occasionally meant taking on aquatic Grimm. Besides that, what if it rained? What if someone got injured and started to bleed? Hell, what if he just had to carry a jug of water around on a long trip? Nothing about Neptune made any sense. He was a walking contradiction, like Pyrrha being uber-famous and popular but also really socially awkward.  
Sweet girl, but she just had no clue. Thankfully, she seemed content with just having friends right now; he couldn't imagine how much of a disaster it would be if she actually ended up being attracted to someone. But thankfully that had yet to happen, so it spared him the third-party embarrassment.

Back in the real world, Coco scowled. "You know, I'm thinking Jaune might have the right idea."

"What?!" Blake shouted. "You can't! Do you have any idea how much money we've sent your way?! You can't just stop!"

Alright, now he was curious. "Um, exactly how much _have _you two paid us?" Jaune questioned.

Weiss suddenly straightened up, putting her hands on her hips, a proud look on her face. "Oh, I'm just your number one donor."

Honestly, that probably went without saying, considering that his up-to-this-point anonymous top donor had given them a frankly absurd amount of money, and there was really only one family in all of Remnant that could afford to do that.

_I haven't seen that many zeroes since my middle school math tests._

You laugh, but it wasn't because he was stupid, he just had dyscalculia. If you don't know what that is, it's dyslexia for numbers. I swear I didn't look that up just for this joke.

Anyway, the point was that he probably should have connected the dots about Weiss being his number one donor a while ago, but at this point he kind of had a mental block set up regarding all things Weiss, because he had quickly learned that she was _not _a pleasant person to be around. ...Well, okay – she wasn't a pleasant person _to him; _she was generally fine around most other people, presumably because they hadn't been obnoxious in their attempts to try and woo her.

Seriously, why couldn't someone have tried to stop him when he had pulled out the guitar? At this point, he was honestly considering using the ungodly amounts of money Weiss had paid him to fund the creation of a time machine, specifically so he could go back in time and kick his own ass.

_You can totally do it, too. Just find some mad scientist willing to build a time machine. That can't be too hard, what with how fucked up everything else in this world is._

Seriously, everything was so messed up these days that nothing would surprise him anymore. At this point, if he just went spontaneously berserk and punched a kid right in the face for no reason or something, it would honestly just be par for the course.

Unfortunately, there was no time to dwell on that, because in the few seconds since he had stopped paying attention, things had started to get heated.

"Look, all I'm asking for is five minutes," Blake implored.

"No!" Coco said, slamming her hand on the table. Glaring at the cat Faunus, she said, "Jaune is _my _boyfriend, and I said no!"

"Come on, you can afford to lose him for five minutes! It's not like I'm asking him out on a date or anything!"

Jaune blinked. "What's going on here?'

"Just a sec, hun," Coco replied. "I've got some thots to take care of."

"Thots, are we?" Weiss asked, placing a hand on her hip.

"Oh, I'm sorry, you're not thots… you're _simps! _It makes too much sense – you spend all this money on your favorite lewd streamer, all in the hopes that they'll notice you and give you the time of day!"

"So what if we are?"

That was too much for the brunette. She broke down laughing, tears streaming down her face as she gasped for breath. After a few seconds, she recovered, wiping her eyes.

"Ah man, that's rich," Coco said.

"Yeah, well you know what else is rich? Me," Weiss replied. "And I'm thinking that now I want a couple of minutes alone with Jaune, too."

"And what makes you think I'll even consider it?"

"Oh, I don't know. How's a hundred grand sound?"

Coco was in awe. "...Wait, hold on, lemme get this straight – you're so thirsty for Jaune's cock that you're willing to drop a hundred thousand lien just to spend a few minutes fucking him?"

"Yes."

"That's a hundred thousand, with five zeroes?"

"Please don't tell me you're actually considering this," Jaune begged.

Coco shushed him, then turned back to Weiss. "Answer the question."

The heiress rolled her eyes. "Of course. Money is no object."

"Alright, just wanted to make sure we were on the same page."

"And now we are. So, what's your response?"

"My response? I'll tell you my response."

Then, before anyone could do anything, Coco unfolded her handbag into its minigun form, then leveled it directly in Weiss and Blake's direction.

"Stay away from my man, you hussies!" the second-year shouted as she held down the trigger.

Within moments, the cafeteria was a mess. Spent shell casings littered the ground, and the entire area was shredded by gunfire. Everyone ducked for cover as Coco did her best to ventilate the two simps, who both tried their hardest to avoid taking a bullet.

Alas, much like a bad porn video, it was all over too soon, the brunette having shot her load prematurely. Coco finally let go of the trigger, her minigun completely spent. Seeing that she was now flaccid (for lack of a better term), Jaune cautiously approached from behind the table he had taken shelter next to.

"Uh, Coco?"

His girlfriend's only response was to immediately whirl around, then plant a big kiss on his lips. He stood there, stunned for a few moments before she finally pulled away, looking very displeased.

"You're too hot for your own good," Coco declared. "I can see now that I've created a monster – all those outfits I got for you… combined with your amazing body, they're _too _stylish. No one man was meant to have all that power."

"Uh, okay." Honestly, he wasn't sure how to respond to that – to him, they were just clothes. Maybe that explained why it was only the girls that seemed to have gone crazy over his videos. "So, what's the plan?"

"I'll tell you what the plan is," Coco stated. "We're going to head back to your room. Then we're going to dig up all the clothes I got for you, and we're going to burn them. And then we're going to find your old clothes and take them into town to get duplicates made of them, because it's clear now that those are the only things I can allow you to wear if I'm going to make sure you stay with me."

He hadn't even dreamed of cheating on her even when he had literally been offered more money than he had ever seen in his life to do exactly that, but okay. Apparently she was operating under the impression that all of this was somehow his fault even though she had been the one to drag him into all of this from the beginning, but somehow he could just tell that saying that was a bad idea, so he held his tongue.

_Remember Dad's advice, Jaune: honesty is for men who don't get pussy._

Probably a dickish saying to abide by, but he quite enjoyed getting to have sex with Coco, and if being dishonest meant that he could keep having it, then he would gladly keep being dishonest.

"Okay, then," Jaune said, nodding. "I think my Pumpkin Pete's hoodie is around here somewhere."

"Good." Coco nodded. "That's a great start – that's girl repellent incarnate, right there. Then we just need those faded jeans, those awful sneakers, the mismatched armor… it'll be perfect."

Okay, now she was just roasting him. That's not to say that she wasn't right (after all, he was poor, so all of his stuff save his hoodie was basically his dad's old hand-me-downs), but it wasn't exactly something he liked being reminded of.

And that was when he realized that, for all of his misfortune, he really didn't have a right to complain, given that he literally had the least tragic backstory out of all his friends.

_Well, would you look at that – apparently, money _can't _buy happiness._

Then again, Weiss ought to know that firsthand by now, given that her attempting to buy herself happiness had nearly ended with her taking about a hundred seven-point-six-two rounds to the face courtesy of his pissed-off girlfriend.

Anyway, where was he? Ah, right – burning all his new clothes to appease his girlfriend, the one who had bought them for him in the first place. Sure, it would suck to have to waste all of them, but if it stopped her from buying him new stuff, he wasn't going to complain.

As Coco took him by the hand and led him back to his room, Jaune couldn't hold back a small smile.

Things were looking up.

* * *

That is, things were looking up for all of about a day, because it turns out that simply changing your wardrobe – no matter how cheap and low-effort your wardrobe ended up looking – couldn't do anything to hide the fact that the DustNet had already seen you naked, and that they thought you were a heartthrob.

Sure, it was flattering, but it didn't exactly win him any points with his girlfriend, who had made it a habit to glare daggers at any woman she caught giving him bedroom eyes… which, given his new reputation, was basically all of them. It made him feel like he was the juicy steak being fought over by a bunch of lionesses. You'd think that would be at least somewhat pleasant, but given that Jaune didn't have a polyamorous bone in his body and really only wanted to be with Coco, it was actually very uncomfortable. It was getting to the point where he wasn't even able to leave his room without girls following after him, taking pictures of his ass and cat calling him.

Needless to say, after the fifth time it had happened (and Coco had subsequently told them off), Jaune was getting fed up with it.

"Okay, what's the deal?" Jaune asked. "I can't seriously have this many girls be this crazy over me. Is there something I'm missing?"

Coco sighed tiredly. "You don't get it, Jaune. So many guys try so much shit to make themselves look appealing – they buy super-expensive designer clothes, get fancy haircuts, go to the gym and take a ton of supplements and steroids to try and look their best… it gets tiring, being bombarded with that all the time. Sometimes a girl just wants someone who looks good naturally and doesn't have a complex about it, but that's super rare. You're basically a unicorn."

"What are you talking about? Nobody gave me the time of day until you gave me a wardrobe overhaul and started filming me while we had sex."

"Duh, because nobody had seen how good you looked without your shirt on until then. Sure, the outfits helped a lot, but trust me, the real show is once you're naked." She gave him a sly grin. "And don't I know it?"

"Still, this must get old for you, having to constantly fend them off."

That sounds bad, considering that he was leaving the brunt of that to her, but can you blame him? Do you have any idea how bad it would make him look if he tried to tell a girl off and she took it the wrong way? He'd look like a total fucking asshole; he'd never live that down. And Gods forbid one of them get too handsy or something and he was forced to try and physically keep her off him – there was no way he was coming out of that looking good.

Coco shrugged. "I'll admit, it's a lot of work, but it's worth it… though, I have to say, I didn't have this problem when I was dating girls..."

"...Are you saying I'm technically prettier than the girls you've dated?"

"Your words, not mine."

He sighed tiredly. This was already shaping up to be a long day.

"_Could Jaune Arc and Coco Adel please report to Professor Goodwitch's office? Repeat: Jaune Arc and Coco Adel, please report to Professor Goodwitch's office."_

And it was about to get even longer. Jaune looked over at his girlfriend; her only response was a sheepish grin.

"Ah, guess Miss G is probably pissed that we tore up the cafeteria, huh?"

There she goes with this 'we' nonsense again. Jaune was starting to notice how everything 'they' had done wrong was really just something Coco had done wrong, and that she didn't want to solely take the blame for.

_I swear, this girl is going to be the death of me some day. _He immediately paused. _...Actually, never mind; something tells me I shouldn't be tempting fate like that. No idea why, though._

Still, he knew better than to doubt his instincts. For instance, his instincts had been what had told him to go up and ask Coco for a date, despite her having only dated women up to that point and even identifying as a lesbian. Sure, that had been out of ignorance on his part (he hadn't known she had only been into girls up until that point), but it had certainly paid dividends, even if it was kind of weird (and, admittedly, kind of flattering) that he had technically been her bisexual awakening.

That hadn't stopped him from feeling super embarrassed when she had told him that, though. Because really, how are you supposed to take learning that your girlfriend was gay until she met you, and that she had been open about it to the point that only a real moron would have tried to convince her otherwise? But at least it had paid off.

Sure, part of him still felt like a moron for even trying it, but at this point he was a _winning _moron, so it was fine.

"Alright, let's just get this over with already," Jaune stated, taking Coco by the hand and beginning the long walk to the execution chamb- er, Professor Goodwitch's office.

* * *

Jaune had seen a lot of scary things in his life. They consisted of true horrors, things like the Grimm in the Emerald Forest and Ruby after Yang ate the last of her Vale Scout cookies. But nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared him for this, not even that time he had accidentally walked in on his mom in the shower.

It came close, though.

Professor Goodwitch was glaring at him, and Jaune was doing his best to stay as still as he could. Goodwitch wore glasses, so he was hoping that meant that her vision was based on movement. He knew it wasn't, but that vain hope was pretty much the only reason why he wasn't pissing his pants in fright right now, so he was going to hold onto it with every fiber of his being even if he knew it wasn't true.

"Remind me," Goodwitch stated, "why you thought it was a good idea to perforate _my _cafeteria?"

Oh yeah, she was pissed. Like, even more than usual. That was generally a bad sign, as it usually meant that Nora was involved somehow. The fact that the pint-sized hammer-wielder was nowhere to be found only spelled trouble for the two of them. How Coco was unfazed, he had no idea.

"It's simple, Miss G," Coco replied. "A bunch of thirsty thots were under the impression that they could steal my man."

"And you think that gave you cause to demolish the cafeteria and stick me with the cleanup?"

"...Um-"

"Wrong answer."

Coco shrugged, which Jaune knew was her trademark was of saying 'It was worth a shot'. Generally she only did that when she had tried and failed to convince him to be the sub for once, so the fact that she was giving up this early in the face of opposition could only mean that she believed herself to have found a stronger opponent than herself in Professor Goodwitch. That was saying a lot, because Coco was a lot like a Pit Bull – cute and cuddly most of the time, but absolutely ferocious when she or someone she cared about was threatened.

Also, she liked to do it doggy style, but that was neither here nor there.

Goodwitch sighed tiredly. "Right."

Using her semblance, she picked up a nearby pail, broom, putty knife, and jar of spackle, and levitated them all into Coco's hands.

"Normally I'd do this myself using my semblance, but I can't be bothered right now," the deputy headmistress said evenly. "So, the job will fall onto you. Get to work."

Coco looked bewildered. "By myself?"

"Jaune will be there to join you shortly."

Oh, come the fuck on! He was the victim here, how come he was getting blamed for this? That was bullshit… but he wasn't about to argue it, because he was reasonably certain that Goodwitch was actually a praying mantis Faunus, and that she would likely eat his head if he tried to.

Before Coco could argue, Goodwitch waved her off. "Now, go."

"How am I supposed to get onto the ceiling?"

"Good question. You probably should have thought of that before you unloaded a full belt of seven-point-six-two rounds into it."

Coco grumbled something under breath. Goodwitch seemed unamused.

"Now, you'd best get to work. The holes aren't going to patch themselves, after all."

The second-year sighed heavily, but did as she was told, reluctantly turning to give Jaune a quick peck on the cheek before stomping out of the office, slamming the door behind her.

Seeing her go, Jaune frowned. "Well, I think I'd better go join her."

"Not so fast, Mister Arc," Goodwitch said, reluctantly making him pause.

"Yes, Professor?"

To his surprise, she chuckled. Taking her glasses off, she rose from her seat and approached him. "Please, there's no need for formalities between us. Call me Glynda."

He raised an eyebrow. "Uh, okay. What's this about, Glynda?"

"Oh, I think you know."

She crossed her legs, and Jaune had to try _very _hard not to look underneath that pencil skirt. The flash of black lace told him that he had failed, though. He felt himself involuntarily swallow nervously.

Once more, Glynda chuckled, then rose from her seat and approached him.

"P-Professor?"

"What did I say, Mister Arc?" she said softly. "Call me Glynda."

She got behind him, putting her hands on his shoulders and causing him to tense. A thin grin crossed her face. "My, you are a strong one, aren't you?"

Okay, even he wasn't that blind. He knew what was happening here. It was almost hot… almost because he had a girlfriend already, and if she caught him in this situation, that would be the end of it.

Or so he thought.

Suddenly, the door came flying open. Coco stood there, staring at Professor Goodwitch, her eyes smoldering.

"Get away from my man, you damn Christmas Cake thot!"

_What the fuck is Christmas? Is that like Non-Descript Winter Holiday?_

Unfortunately, there wasn't much time to process that before Coco launched herself at her teacher with a shout, the two colliding in a big ball of violence. Jaune watched, surprised, as the two of them began to fight. Briefly, he was tempted to pull out his scroll and record the whole thing, but then he remembered that that was exactly the problem in the first place, and wisely decided not to; the less he focused on that, the better.

"I wonder what's on TV?" he said, bored, as the sounds of combat behind him steadily intensified. He wasn't about to get between two thirsty women if he didn't have to.

Unfortunately, that would prove to be his undoing.

* * *

"You're breaking up with me?" he asked.

Coco nodded. "Sorry, but you're just too high-maintenance for me."

"Only because you're the one who responsible for it!"

She waved her hand dismissively. "Details."

Jaune sighed, folding his arms. Honestly, he wasn't too mad – it wasn't like they were ending on bad terms or anything, she had simply confessed that she thought they should see other people. To be frank, he kind of agreed – she may have thought he was high-maintenance, but he thought the exact same of her.

Seriously, _so many _weekends spent clothes shopping…

Anyway, the point was, he wasn't nearly as torn up about this as he should have been. Sure, he'd had some really good times with Coco, but the good times had run out, and it was about time for them to split.

Jaune looked at her, nodding. "Well, okay. Honestly, I kind of feel similar. Nothing against you, but we just kinda… grew apart, I guess."

"You could say that."

He raised an eyebrow, but continued on. "Anyway, I hope we can still be friends."

"Of course, Jaune. You're a great guy, I just don't think we can continue on in a romantic relationship."

Well, that was a load off of his mind. Sighing, he gave her a thin smile. "Alright, then. I guess we're breaking up."

He wasn't sure how he expected Coco to respond, but it certainly wasn't the way she ended up responding.

"Oh, that's a relief," the brunette replied. Turning to the door, she cupped her hands around her mouth. "Hey, babe! It's done, we can date now!"

To Jaune's surprise, Professor Goodwitch came around the corner. Coco immediately jumped into her arms, the two sharing a very passionate kiss for a second before Coco pulled away, a sultry look on her face.

"What's say we finish what we started in your office the other day, Glyndy?" she purred.

Professor Goodwitch simply narrowed her eyes. "Oh, we'll finish, alright."

And then they were off, racing towards Glynda's office, Coco giggling the whole time. Jaune watched them go, his jaw on the floor. Shaking his head, he sighed.

"What a pisser," he announced. Throwing his hands up in frustration, he said, "Great – you leave your bisexual girlfriend alone for five minutes, and all of a sudden she's hot for teacher. Now where am I supposed to find another cute girl to date?"

As if on cue, there was a knock on his door. Confused, Jaune walked over to it and threw it open, only to be nearly drowned by the small ocean of women on the other side. He laid on the bottom of the pile, confused, before he felt one of them pull him out. To his surprise, it was Yang.

"There he is," she announced. "Alright girls, one at a time, and I'm enforcing boarding house rules – everyone gets firsts before anyone gets seconds!"

Jaune felt a smug grin cross his face. Sure, he had lost his girlfriend to another woman, but this?

This, he could live with.

* * *

**Also, because I know someone will bring this up: yes, that scene of Blake asking Jaune to sign her thighs was absolutely inspired by the time that one 2B cosplayer asked Yoko Taro to sign her thigh. That man is absolutely living the dream, and I am fucking eternally jelly of him.**

**Before anyone asks: yes, there actually is some basis to what Coco is saying about the twunk physique. Apparently, a couple of magazines actually put up pictures of different types of men's bodies - so things like skinny, athletic, bodybuilder-esque, etc. The ones that were most popular with women were the guys who were athletic, but who looked naturally athletic - basically imagine a soccer or baseball player instead of a bodybuilder. The bodybuilders were actually very low on the list (except, surprisingly, the old-school bodybuilders, the ones before guys like Arnold came along and completely changed the game. The old-school guys were also very highly ranked). The justification for this was basically the same as what I said in the chapter - they liked guys who were fit and athletic, but who didn't look like they lived in the gym, because that made the guy look too vain. Also, in case you were wondering: yes, the body consistently ranked as the overall most attractive when picked out of a lineup was Brad Pitt's body in _Fight Club, _even if they didn't know it was actually Brad Pitt... which makes sense, because even without having a ton of mass, he looked aesthetic as hell in that movie.**

**I have no idea how honest or true all that actually was, but it provided the impetus for this chapter, so I decided to run with it. So I wasn't just pulling all this out of my ass, there is _some _justification for it.**

**Now, with that out of the way, I think I ought to address this: a few of you keep expressing interests in certain characters in the review section. I appreciate your interest, but I can't just pull a character out of my ass. The chapter you want will happen when it happens, trust me. What, you really think I'd just leave out someone like Neo, or Glynda, or Winter? Come on, you ought to know me better than that. Trust me, if they're a female character with a large following and a good amount of screen time, I want to do a chapter on them, it's just a matter of inspiration striking. Please be patient with me until then. These things take some time to get right.**

**Besides that, I've got nothing else. Some of you might know what this chapter's title is referencing, so I don't feel bad about letting you know that the titles of the next two chapters will continue the verse. Knowing that, feel free to try and guess who the characters are. I look forward to seeing everyone's wild predictions.**

**And yes, I realize this is a really shitty joke, but I don't care. It amuses me so I'm doing it anyway.**

**Next update: Saturday, July 25.**


	19. He Has No Grace

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Weiss, or: He Has No Grace

* * *

Looking back, he probably should have expected this.

"No… no..."

Dating Weiss definitely came with its fair share of perks, but it also had its own drawbacks as well.

"No… no..."

He just wished that meeting the family could have waited a bit longer.

Weiss finally stopped looking through his backpack in favor of staring at him. "Don't you have anything more fancy than this?"

Jaune sighed tiredly. "Weiss, I was wandering through the wilderness for months. I had to pack light."

"Sure, but you had to know that you'd be meeting my parents eventually."

He did, sure… but he also wasn't crazy enough to think that she would drag him to meet her parents when they were, you know, kind of on an important mission.

Sure, on a certain level he kind of understood why she wanted to – might as well kill two birds with one stone, after all – but would it have killed her to wait until after they had dealt with Salem? This just seemed like kind of a ridiculous thing to waste time on when it would be spent doing, you know, literally anything else.

"You have that look on your face again," Weiss noted.

"What look?" Jaune asked.

"The one you get whenever you think about having to meet my family."

One of many looks that she had come to identify with him. There were a few others, too – one for when she was acting a bit too frosty with him, one for when she lamented how she had yet to win a fight, and one for when she asked him if he could please wrangle Nora already, for Gods' sake she's ruining everything, sweet Salem's crows feet you're her leader, please do something.

Luckily, those were just the looks of his that she had managed to parse the meaning out of. She was still clueless as to the ones for when she tried to be dominant and failed utterly, as well as the one for whenever she asked if he liked her braid.

Shaking those thoughts from his head, Jaune did his best to look like he wasn't wishing for a bolt of lightning to descend from the heavens directly onto his face, killing him instantly and therefore preventing him from having to go to this family dinner. Instead, he smiled.

"What look? You know I'm looking forward to this, Weiss."

Yeah, looking forward to it in the same way one looks forward to getting a root canal.

"I'd love to meet Winter and Klein."

Only half-true – Klein seemed like a pretty cool dude. Winter was kind of a massive bitch, though. But he couldn't be too mad at her; that Specialist uniform highlighted her curves _just _right. He had lost many of his children to her in the time before him and Weiss had started dating, to the point that he was now less afraid of Salem than he was about the possibility of all the tissues he had flushed down the toilet conglomerating together into one mass, gaining sentience, and trying to track him down for child support.

You laugh, but try and keep in mind that they were currently in Atlas to deliver a magic lamp which contained a genie to a cyborg-man who was guarding a floating city, which was being held aloft by a magic wand gifted to an immortal by the Gods, all in the name of summoning said Gods so they could determine if humanity was really as big a pack of dicks as they thought, and if they were, said Gods would proceed to flush all of Remnant down the great cosmic toilet with a wave of massive fuck-you energy, much like how one flushes condoms down the toilet after a drunken bar hookup when you thought the girl was a 6/10 due to beer goggles but she was actually a 3/10.

Point is, in the grand scheme of things, his used masturbation tissues coming together and demanding he be their father for once wasn't exactly outside the realm of possibility, as far as he was concerned. At the very least, they were about as likely as Nora deciding that she wanted to eat healthy from now on, or Oscar actually being compelling for once – not very likely, but give it like a few thousand years or so and maybe it will happen.

Anyway, where was he? Oh, right – meeting the family.

"Relax, Weiss," Jaune said. "I'm sure it'll be fine."

Weiss paused in what she was doing, instead staring at him.

"It'll be okay."

She kept staring.

"...Okay, it'll probably be a disaster."

Satisfied, she went back to searching for something for him to wear. He sighed tiredly.

_Why even prompt me to adjust my answer if it was just going to be exactly what you wanted?  
_

Honestly, he didn't get it. This was just one of those Weiss things he had to deal with, like how she enjoyed being tied up and spanked or how, when nobody else was around, she secretly liked using the F-N-word a bit too much, as befitting someone of her illustriously racist family heritage. If you're curious what that word is, let me spell it out for you: Faunig-

"Gah, this is hopeless!" Weiss said. "I guess you really don't have any nice clothes to wear."

"I told you," Jaune replied.

Honestly, he was proud of that. Any guy with a mother or a sister could tell you how hard it is to get out of clothes shopping, and Jaune had already done his time with that shit, thank you. He was perfectly willing to dress in bachelor clothes all the time if it meant never having to spend more than fifteen minutes in a clothing store ever again, because fuck clothes shopping. He could maybe get it if he was some kind of asshole businessman who actually had to dress nice, but he was a Huntsman, so he really needed something functional instead of stylish. He wasn't like Weiss, who spent an hour putting her clothes on every morning and another hour styling her hair. Nah, all he did was throw on his clothes, throw on some armor, and throw some gel in his hair.

Speaking of which, hot damn, his new haircut was stylish. He was rockin' the Chad Thundercock look.

Weiss sighed. "Well, this is already a disaster. Can't fix your wardrobe, can't fix your hair..."

He frowned. "What's wrong with my hair?"

"You look like a stereotypical jock jerk. It's like something Cardin would wear. What were you thinking?"

Truthfully, he was thinking he'd be able to start calling himself Jauney Bravo and have it actually sort of make sense. No, he wasn't joking – that was his entire reason for getting the haircut. You laugh, but at least Jaune had actually achieved his stupid childhood dream, unlike some people. Go back to wishing you were an astronaut, loser. Maybe if you ask really nicely, Elon will send you into space.

Anyway, that aside, Weiss did have a point – this was going to be a fucking disaster. Imagine Ruby trying to fight in heels and multiply it by like a million and you wouldn't even be one one-thousandth of the way there to just how bad this was going to go. He could already tell that this was going to be worse than a hundred Fall of Beacons.

Basically just picture V5 and you'd have an idea of about what to expect in terms of awfulness.

Ah shit, he was getting meta with it again. And here he was, thinking he'd fixed that.

_Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit eating Pumpkin Pete's._

It was a damn shame, is what it was. Moment of silence for Pumpkin Pete's – they just weren't the same ever since they lost their mascot, who was… um…

_What was her name again?  
_

Honestly, he couldn't remember for the life of him. But that was okay – judging by how she hadn't been brought up in a long fucking time, nobody else remembered, either. That probably should have bothered him, but it really didn't – he didn't mind just being there, and neither did Ren and Nora. If Oscar wanted to usurp their role as the person the world revolved around who wasn't on Team RWBY, that was just fine. He would just be back on the sidelines, having not earned the complete undying hatred of the evil Grimm queen on a personal level, but still being considered important enough to date Weiss.

Truly, he was the real winner here. Imagine being a main character yet being hated more than a bunch of side characters. Seriously, fuck Oscar. I'd say that I hope Ozpin takes over his little bitch ass, but I think we all know that's literally never going to happen because RT has no balls, and that we're stuck with him forever. Truly, this is the worst timeline.

"Alright," Weiss said with a sigh. "I guess there's no avoiding it, so we might as well get this over with. Come on, Jaune."

Well, so much for that. He was tempted to try and get out of it once more, but if his initial offer of giving her five straight hours of oral sex in exchange for not doing this hadn't worked, then nothing would.

_So much for my sanity, _he thought as Weiss dragged him out the door.

* * *

The Schnee family home honestly defied belief. Maybe it was because he was raised in a dirt-poor family that lived in a shack in the middle of nowhere, but coming face-to-face with this much excess was just mind-boggling. They actually had fucking topiary in the middle of an arctic wasteland. How the hell did they even manage that?

Pushing that thought aside in favor of focusing on what was important, Jaune stood on the front doorstep, waiting for judgment to arrive.

"Now, let's go over this one more time," Weiss began.

Jaune sighed tiredly. "One: no public displays of affection. That means no hugs, no kisses, nothing to indicate that we're actually attracted to each other."

"Good. Next?"

"Make sure to compliment your father's taste in wristwear. He takes great pride in his fancy watches."

"And?"

"Remember my manners – _all _of my manners. I ought to be as respectable as possible, and do whatever it takes to make your family think I'm something other than a country bumpkin."

"So far so good. Do you remember what each piece of silverware is for?"

"Yes, Weiss, yes I do. You only made me practice it for three hours yesterday."

"And I'd have liked to go for three more, but unfortunately we didn't have the time."

Jaune exhaled, and she gave him a sympathetic look.

"Hey, now," she said softly. "Remember what awaits you at the end of this."

He did, of course – she had promised she'd do whatever he wanted her to if he managed to get through this evening without having her family try and break them apart. He wasn't sure why she even cared that much given that she seemed to hate her family, but whatever. Maybe he just wasn't thinking like a rich person was – status was everything for them. Still, he couldn't complain too much – if he could get Weiss to finally wear that lingerie he had gotten her all those weeks ago, he would consider this a fair trade.

That probably doesn't sound like a fair trade, but shut up. Girls in lingerie was his biggest fetish. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do in order to properly enjoy his fetish.

Unfortunately, his bravado managed to last for as long as it took Weiss to ring the doorbell. There was a chime, and almost instantly the door came flying open, revealing a bald-headed man dressed in a fancy suit. Instantly, his eyes lit up.

"Ah, Miss Schnee," he greeted cheerfully. He looked over at Jaune, and his eyes suddenly turned red. "...And her boyfriend," he added, in a tone that promised nothing but death.

Jaune felt a chill go down his spine. This was already off to a fantastic start.

"Hello to you too, Klein," Weiss said.

_This _was the great Klein Sieben? The man whom Weiss had claimed was like a surrogate father figure to her, if not the nicest man she had ever had the pleasure to know? 'Nice' his ass – Klein looked like he wanted to murder him! ...Which actually made sense given that he had practically raised Weiss, therefore making her like his surrogate daughter…

Jaune sighed tiredly, already knowing where this was going. Tipping his head towards Klein, he said, "A pleasure to meet you, sir. I'm Jaune-"

"Yes, Weiss spoke of you," Klein said dismissively. "Do come inside, Weiss – I have a spot at the table for you already set. Oh, and your boyfriend as well – unfortunately the Schnee family hasn't kept a pet since the days of Nicholas himself, so there were no doghouses for your boyfriend, but I compensated by placing him across from your father."

Weiss gave Jaune a sympathetic look as they walked, earning another tired sigh from him.

_That lingerie better look good on her._

Both of them settled into their seats – Weiss at one end of the table, and Jaune at the other. Predictably, the table was also a sign of pure excess, being far too large for even twenty people, let alone the five that would be dining here tonight (En route to the mansion, he had learned that Winter would actually not be joining them, as she was busy with the military. This was good – now that he was dating her sister, he didn't need the boner fuel that was that skintight Specialist outfit… oh, and he also didn't need her trying to kill him.)

Anyway, Klein left them alone to gather the rest of the family, allowing them to converse amongst themselves for the first time.

"Jaune, I'm so sorry about Klein," Weiss began. "He's not normally like this."

He just waved her off. "Ah, I get it – he cares about you. Honestly, it's sweet."

She clearly didn't agree, instead grumbling angrily.

"...So," Jaune ventured, "I assume that it's not going to get much better, then?"

Her sympathetic look told him all he needed to know.

Footsteps from outside the room caught his attention, and he rose from his seat in order to try and be polite. Now, Weiss had warned him what to expect from the rest of her family, so he kind of knew what he was getting into.

But nothing could have prepared him for this.

A woman stumbled into the room, and… okay, not what he had expected.

_Holy fuck, she's a total MILF._

On a certain level he felt bad, since that was his girlfriend's mother and all. But seriously, this woman was like one-third ass. And she barely looked a day over thirty, too. If this was what he could expect when Weiss got older… well, let's just say that he was looking forward to it.

Clearing his throat, Jaune offered his hand to her. "Hello, ma'am. Jaune Arc."

She stopped and stared at him, blinking a few times. It took a moment, but Jaune became acutely aware of the fact that her breath stank like pure ethanol, which was likely due to the half-empty bottle of booze she was clutching tightly in her hand.

For a few seconds, Willow said nothing, instead continuing to eye him cautiously. Then, her vision relaxed. Her gaze traveled up and down his body, and when she looked back to his face, a sultry look crossed over her.

"My, my~" she purred. "You are certainly a fine one, aren't you?"

Ah, shit, he should have expected this – that short gig as a crossing guard had taught him that he had a knack for attracting MILFs. And while he normally would have been all over this to the point that his dick might as well have been called Excalibur and her cooch might as well be called… um… the rock that Excalibur was stuck in, he guessed, currently this was a big no-no, as his girlfriend was right there.

And she was horrified.

"Mother!" Weiss shouted, her face flushing red.

Willow waved her off. "Hush, Weiss – Mommy is trying to get some. It's been far too long."

"That's my boyfriend!"

"Truly? Well, I'll admit that it's a little weird, but just so long as it's not actually getting into incest territory-"

Jaune felt himself choke on nothing. Letting out a cough, he decided that he was going to have to do something to salvage this situation before it got truly out of hand."Um, Miss Schnee-"

"Oh, don't call me that, hon," Willow slurred. "Last names are for people who aren't planning on sleeping together. If you must call me by something rather than just loudly moaning all night, I'd prefer you use a title – Mistress will work fine, or if you're feeling kinky, you can just call me Mommy."

Jaune had to resist the urge to tug on his collar. Yeah, she was weird, but she was also a hot MILF who was desperately thirsty for his cock. You try keeping your composure in that situation, see how easy you find it.

Weiss slammed her hands on the table. "That's enough! Mother, can't you see that you're sexually harassing him?!"

Willow gave her a blank stare. "Honey, you know better than this. Sexual harassment is only a crime for people who can't afford to pay. And I would certainly make it worth his while." Turning back to him, she said, "How much for a night? Just from looking at you, I'd say… hmm… twenty-five thousand?"

...Was this woman actually offering to pay him twenty-five thousand bucks for sex? Was this the legendary hot sugar mommy he had heard legends about online? Man, if the thing with Weiss never worked out, he at least knew where to come back to on the rebound, because _damn. _

"I'll double it if your dick is bigger than my jackass husband's, and triple it if you actually get me off. Gods know I'm in need of a good orgasm or five."

Weiss was flabbergasted. "Mother-"

Willow ignored her in favor of looking back to Jaune. "So, how big is it?"

Jaune wasn't quite sure how to respond. "...Um, I think like six inches? I mean, I've never measured-"

"Good enough for me. Who will I be making the check out to, again? I know you told me your name already, but cut me some slack, I'm drunk."

Unfortunately, Jaune never got the chance to properly answer that question, as someone else took that moment to enter the room – a teenage boy. Jaune instantly recognized him as Weiss' younger brother, Whitley.

The youngest Schnee settled into his seat, giving Weiss a wide smile that Jaune knew was fake, given how she had warned him about her brother. "Hello to you, sister," he greeted. Turning to Jaune, he added, "And to you. I trust that Weiss has been treating you well?"

_Don't answer it, Jaune. He's baiting you._

"Whitley," Weiss said, her voice dry. "Finally came out of your hole, I see."

"Oh? I don't think you're one to talk about someone coming out of their holes, given what you and your new boytoy have no doubt been up to."

"I'd be a lot more bothered by that if I wasn't absolutely sure of what you've been up to in my absence. Has Father seen the LonelyFans bill yet?"

Whitley instantly flushed red and began to sputter. "I-I have no idea what you're talking about!"

"Okay, then. I'll just pretend that a lonely teenager deep in the throes of puberty who has endless amounts of money at his fingertips and no idea how to talk to girls wouldn't take the easiest route to actually getting female attention."

"A-and how would you be so sure of this, then? Is there something you wish to tell us?"

"Only that you're not nearly as above it all as you like to claim."

"What is this 'LonelyFans?'" Willow asked.

"Please don't answer that," Whitley begged.

Weiss ignored him. "It's a site where women post nudes of themselves for money."

"Truly? Is that something young people do these days?"

"Only if they're completely shameless and hate their fathers." Weiss instantly paused. "...And also if they need the money, which we all know I don't. Whitley, if you say what I know you're thinking of right now, I will personally email Father your scroll history."

Whitley instantly shut his mouth. Jaune couldn't help but smirk.

_Take that, Simpley. That's what you get for messing with your sister._

Honestly, it was amazing how, for all the money and assorted priceless shit the Schnee family had in their possession, they were still pretty much the most dysfunctional family he had ever seen. Hell, his family was about two steps below the poverty line, and he would still say that he got the better deal simply because his mom wasn't trying to jump on the closest dick she could find just to spite his father.

He would concede that Mama Arc could probably drink Mama Schnee under the table, but come on, you try raising eight kids without turning to drink. You'd probably be about ready to suck-start a twelve-gauge by kid number three. Frankly, it was amazing that Mama Arc was able to hold on until kid number five before she started to really hit the sauce.

The sound of footsteps instantly caused all conversation to die. Everyone stood up and turned towards the door, waiting for the final member of the family to arrive.

"Announcing Mister Jacques Schnee!" Klein stated, just as the man himself stepped through the doorway.

Jaune wished he could say that he was impressed… but honestly, he really wasn't. Jacques just looked like the same stereotypical rich douchebag you'd expect him to be. Pristine white suit that probably cost more than Jaune's family made in a month, a fancy-looking watch that probably cost about as much, and shiny black dress shoes that looked like they were coated with a layer of Faunus children's tears (which was probably not far from the truth).

However, Jaune had to admit that he was kind of disappointed that Jacques wasn't wearing his hat – he expected better from the owner of the Schneedale Schneemadome. But whatever, that wasn't important right now. What was important was that Jacques had taken notice of him and stopped directly in front of him, an eyebrow raised.

"And who might you be?" Jacques asked, his tone dismissive.

Yup, self-important douchebag confirmed. Resisting the urge to try sizing him up, Jaune instead stuck his hand out.

"Pleased to meet you, sir. I'm Jaune Arc, Weiss' boyfriend." Remembering Weiss' advice, he turned his attention to Jacques' watch. "Nice watch. Bolex?"

"Konstantin," Jacques replied, his voice somehow becoming even more dismissive. "Not that I would expect someone of your standing to recognize quality when he sees it."

He cast a look at Jaune's outstretched hand before turning and walking over to his seat, which was naturally the biggest one and situated at the end of the table. Jaune let his hand fall, trying not to let his displeasure show. Out of the corner of his eye, he glanced over at Weiss, who gave him an apologetic look. He merely exhaled softly through his nose.

_Look on the bright side, Jaune – this has gotta be worth, what, at least three blowjobs by now, and the night's barely started?_

That was certainly one way of looking at it, he supposed. Unfortunately, it only really applied if Jacques decided not to have him killed for daring to date his daughter. Maybe that was being paranoid, but Jacques was basically sitting on the biggest pile of fuck you money Remnant had ever seen, so it would be a trivial matter for him to hire coin assassins specifically to fuck Jaune up, and then bribe the judge into letting him go if he got caught.

Honestly, he could probably consider this evening a success if he managed to do nothing but get out of here without ending up with a target painted on his back. Why had he agreed to this again? Sure, Weiss may have pressured him into this, but did they _really _have to do it? You'd think Weiss would have gotten sick of her father's shit after that whole 'locking her in her room' thing he had tried like a year ago, but apparently not. So much for daddy issues, he supposed.

Speaking of daddy issues, how come everyone on Team RWBY had them in some form or another? There was obviously Weiss, but Blake had also had problems with her father that had gotten bad enough she had run away from home to join a terrorist group. And then there was Yang, who basically forced her father to choose between her and Ruby. Granted, she was traumatized and shit, but still, kind of a dick move. Then there was Ruby, who honestly seemed to not even really like her father, like seriously, she respected her fucking uncle more than her father, and they weren't even related by blood. Seriously, this fucking team had more daddy issues than Mass Effect 2. It was weird as hell.

"So, Jaune," Jacques said, somehow still managing to sound like a huge douchebag with just two simple words. "You're dating my daughter."  
Oh, come on, they hadn't even served the first course yet! He thought they'd at least make it past course one or two before Jacques jumped right to the real heavy shit, but apparently Jacques just hated him that much. Still, nothing to do but answer truthfully.

Jaune nodded. "Yes, sir."

"I see. And what makes you think you're worthy of her?"

"Father," Weiss interrupted, "I think I can decide who's appropriate for me to date."

"One might think, but I can't have my daughter running around with some ruffian when my poll numbers are at risk."

That made no sense. Why the fuck would Jacques care about poll numbers? He basically owned all of Atlas. If he wanted to, he could literally just threaten to withhold all the Dust until he got what he wanted. Hell, with that line of thinking, why would he even care about getting a Council seat when he could literally just buy the Council's vote? Sure, if Robyn or Ironwood won the election then he couldn't buy them because of their morals and shit, but who cares when he can buy literally everyone else and just drown whoever was left in sheer numbers? This whole election thing was fucking stupid.

Sighing under his breath, Jaune looked over to Jacques. "Truthfully, sir, I don't think I'm worthy of her. Weiss is… well, she's amazing. She's a great person with a huge heart who cares deeply about her friends. She has a strong sense of right and wrong, and she has enough conviction to make sure that everything she does is for a good cause."

Weiss looked very touched by what he had said, but Jacques seemed unimpressed. "Hm. I notice you didn't mention her looks or her net worth at all."

"Obviously, she has those in spades, but they don't hold a candle to the kind of person she is inside. The fact that she's beautiful on the outside is nothing compared to the fact that on the inside, she's nothing short of absolutely radiant. And as for her monetary worth..." He shrugged. "I honestly don't care about that. She could be dirt poor and it wouldn't change my opinion of her one bit. Fact is, Weiss is the best thing to ever happen to a guy like me."

"Oh, Jaune~" Weiss said, blushing.

Jaune ignored the fact that Whitley was dry heaving and Willow looked jealous in favor of focusing on the fact that he had just made his girlfriend very happy. Hell, he had apparently even managed to impress Klein, if the look the butler was giving him was any indication.

Unfortunately, Jacques wasn't impressed.

"I'm not impressed," the Schnee patriarch said.

Instantly, the happy look evaporated from Jaune's face.

Continuing, Jacques said, "You talk a lot, but you have nothing to offer Weiss. Why would I let someone like you marry my daughter when you bring nothing to the table?"

"Uh, excuse me, but I think I'm capable of deciding who I should marry, thank you!" Weiss retorted.

Jaune felt the color drain from his face. Was she seriously talking about marriage? They weren't even in their twenties yet! Hell, they had only been dating for like a year up to that point! What next, was she going to start naming their children? That was the last thing he wanted, both because that was a sign of craziness and because he'd like to break the trend of the Schnee children having names starting with W, because that shit was like something right out of a cringey anime. It was already bad enough that if they got married she would probably insist on combining their last names rather than just taking his, and the last thing he wanted was to be stuck with a similar naming situation to Ruby and her family. Sweet Gods, what a fucking mess that was. You'd think they would have just made things less confusing by calling her Ruby Rose Xiao Long, but no, they had to make it stupid and just call her Ruby Rose instead.

Anyway, dumbass naming conventions aside, this was a real problem. He was going to have to think of a way to settle things with Jacques fast, or this was really going to go tits up.

Thankfully, Weiss exhaled softly, then settled back into her seat. "You know what? It's not worth arguing this right now. I just want to have a nice dinner with my boyfriend and my family."

Probably wishful thinking on her part, but Jaune wasn't about to tempt Jacques into sending those coin assassins after him more than he already had, so he decided to refrain from saying that out loud.

"Hm," Jacques grumbled. "...Very well, I suppose we can take this matter back up after we've eaten. I am quite famished."

As if on cue, the servers entered the room, carrying several platters of food. They set them on the table and removed the covers, and Jaune instantly felt his mouth water. Say what you will about the Schnee family, but they certainly had fine tastes – beef wellington, steamed lobster, veal chops with rosemary butter… yeah, this was quite the spread.

Minding his manners, Jaune decided to wait until everyone else had filled their plates before filling his. The platters of food were passed around with everyone serving themselves until it came to him, and when it did, he had to refrain from piling it high. Instead, he took a meager portion of beef wellington and prepared to tuck in.

Only for Weiss to ruin everything.

"Daddy, could you pass the salt?"

In retrospect, it wasn't exactly clear why she had chosen to call Jacques 'Daddy'. Maybe she had been hoping to awaken his long-abandoned paternal instincts in the hopes that she would convince him to have mercy on Jaune. Maybe it had just been a slip of the tongue. Honestly, it didn't matter, because Jacques didn't question it, instead reaching for the salt.

At the exact same time Jaune did.

Both their hands closed around the salt shaker, and the entire room froze immediately. Everyone was instantly able to read between the lines, and nobody liked it. Klein was back to hating Jaune. Whitley was back to dry heaving. Willow was back to being jealous of Weiss. Weiss' faced had flushed an intense red, and she had sunken down in her seat, covering her face with her hands.

Once more, Jaune felt the color drain from his face as he realized his mistake. Slowly, he turned to Jacques, giving him a sheepish grin.

"...Um, it isn't what you think?"

Jacques, to say the least, was unimpressed. Exhaling through his nose, he roughly stood up. "Right. I can see that this is going to take drastic measures to fix."

"Father, wait-" Weiss pleaded.

He held up a hand, silencing her. Turning to Jaune, he said, "Meet me in the training ring in five minutes. Bring your weapon."  
And with that, he was gone. Jaune watched him as he went, perplexed.

What the fuck had he just gotten himself into?

* * *

"So, you really have no idea what to expect?" Jaune asked, sliding his sword into its sheath.

Weiss shook her head. "None. I didn't think my father even knew how to fight, but I guess things have changed since I've been away from home."

"Do you think this is all a bluff?"

"I don't know… I mean, it's likely that he'll have you fight an Arma Gigas, similar to what he made me do before I came to Beacon."

At that, Jaune relaxed. "That doesn't seem so bad."

"Then again, if he's feeling spiteful, he might have hired some Specialists to come deal with you."

And just like that, his relief was gone. Sighing, Jaune said, "Well, this is gonna suck, isn't it?"

She gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. "I promise I'll make it up to you later."

"Won't that just make your dad even madder?"

"Honestly, I don't care anymore. If it's up to me, I'll never see him again after this."

Well, that was refreshing to hear. Giving himself a quick once-over, Jaune gave her a nod before rising to his feet, then moving over to the middle of the ring.

To his surprise, the only one there was Jacques.

Seeing him there, Jaune raised an eyebrow. "...Uh, what are you doing?"

"Fighting you," Jacques replied, as if it was the simplest thing in the world. He shrugged off his suit jacket, leaving him in just a collared shirt. Dropping the jacket on the ground, he began to pull off his stupid fucking clip-on tie.

Seriously, you're the CEO of the most powerful company on Remnant, yet you don't know how to tie a tie? Come on, dude.  
"...Uh, you sure about this?" Jaune asked. "I mean, I'm a Huntsman-"

"I'm very sure," Jacques said, his voice even. Dropping his tie on the ground, he clenched and unclenched his hands before fixing Jaune with a harsh glare. "I will not take this slight against my family's honor lying down."

That was funny, considering how much Weiss liked to take it lying down. She was a total bottom. Jaune was honestly tempted to tell that straight to Jacques' face just to piss him off, but something told him that was a bad idea.

Finally, Jacques finished dressing down. Cracking his knuckles, he stared Jaune down.

"Let's go."

Jaune was confused. "The hell are you-"

He was completely unprepared for Jacques to suddenly rush him down, the father of three moving a lot faster than Jaune ever thought he would be capable of. Frantically, Jaune rolled to the side, drawing his sword and blindly slashing with it in the same motion. He felt the blade bounce off Jacques' chest, accompanied by… the ringing of steel?

_What the fuck?_

Hitting the ground, Jaune dropped into a roll, just in time to avoid an incoming fist from Jacques that cratered the floor. Jaune stared, his mouth agape, before shaking himself out of his stupor.

"H-hey, what the hell is going on? How are you so strong?!"

For the first time since Jaune had met the man, Jacques Schnee smirked. Reaching for his collared shirt, the businessman tore it off, allowing everyone to see what was underneath.

Every single jaw in the room hit the floor.

Firstly, Jacques looked nothing like how Jaune had expected him to look. Underneath all that businesswear, the man was _ripped. _He was broad-chested, with enormous arms and abs of pure steel. But that wasn't the most striking thing about his physique – no, that title belonged to the black mass situated directly over the center of his chest, which seemed to pulsate with every heartbeat.

Tentatively, Jaune pointed a shaking finger at it. "W-what the fuck is that?!"

Again, Jacques smirked. He replied with just two words, which Jaune could just tell he was never going to forget as long as he lived.

"Nanomachines, son!"

And that was the last thing Jaune heard before Jacques came flying towards him and knocked him out with one punch.

* * *

"You know, you could have warned me."

Weiss was shocked. "How was I supposed to know that Father had gotten worried about the White Fang and decided to have the military implant nanomachines in his chest? Moreover, how was I supposed to know that the nanomachines would harden in response to physical trauma, and that you couldn't hurt him?"

She handed him a fresh ice pack, and Jaune gave her a grateful nod as he swapped out the melted one he was holding over his face for the fresh one. He was just about to place it over his eye when Weiss gently grabbed his hand, preventing him from doing so.

"Let me see it," she said.

Jaune sighed, then did as he was told, turning to face her. She blinked, but otherwise didn't react, which made him sigh again.

"Sorry. You must think I'm the ugliest guy in the world right now."

That earned a scoff and an eye roll from her. "Please. I think you're the _dumbest _guy in the world, not the ugliest. Now come here."

She pulled him up into a seated position, then gently pressed her lips against his. They both pulled away after a moment, Weiss looking very bashful.

"I… believe I promised you what would happen if you agreed to this," she stated.

Jaune instantly caught her meaning, and his eyes widened. "If you don't want to-"

"Oh, no, it's not that. It's just… well, it's weird, that I'll be doing it in my own room. I've got no problems, um..."

"...Blowing me?"

"Yes, that."

Of course. Leave it to Weiss to be willing to perform the act, but not use the term. Years away from her family, and she was still prissy as ever.

"Now then," she announced, "Pants off. I'm going to make this one to remember."

Her tone left no room for argument. Jaune nodded in understanding, and after discarding the unneeded garment, laid back. Weiss took up the proper position, giving him one last look.

"Ready, Jaune?"

A nod from him was all it took. A moment later, and Jaune was forced to bite back a loud moan. He felt his lower lip actually start to bleed from just how hard he had bitten it. Twin handfuls of bed sheets kept him from thrashing around, as much as he wanted to – each movement from Weiss was sending jolts up and down his spine. It was nothing short of pure ecstasy. Jaune was in paradise.

So much so that he almost didn't notice the barely-audible beeping noise coming from the edge of the room. Instantly, he paused. Bringing a hand up, he signaled for Weiss to stop, which she did.

"Jaune?" she asked, confused. "Is something wrong? Was it not good?"

"Wha- no! No, it was _great! _It's just… I think there's something strange going on here."

"What do you me-"

He held up a hand again, making her pause. Cupping a hand around his ear, he again listened for the beep. It took a moment, but once again, he heard it. And this time, so did Weiss.

Instantly, she frowned. "What's that noise?"

He wasn't sure, but he was going to find out. Standing tall, he moved over to the edge of the room, searching for the source. Finally, he found it: an old family portrait. Scowling, he picked up the portrait and looked at it, only for all the color to drain from his face at what he saw.

"Um, Weiss?"

"Yes?"

"...Is it weird for your family to hide cameras in their photos?"

For just a moment, it looked like she couldn't make heads or tails of what he was saying. But then reality set in.

"Oh Gods, we're so dead," Weiss proclaimed.

"_We're _dead? You mean _I'm _dead! When your dad finds out about this, I'm done for!" Jaune replied.

"Well, don't look at me! This was your idea!"

"You're the one who decided to do it now! In fact, you're the one who brought me here in the first place!"

"You're the one who agreed to it!"

"I faked all my orgasms!"

The sound of running feet suddenly caught their attention, followed by the door being thrown open. Instantly, Jaune's hands went to cover his modesty, though he knew it would do little to save him from a pissed-off Jacques.

He was surprised, then, that it wasn't Jacques who was standing there.

"Mother?" Weiss asked, confused.

Willow looked almost unrecognizable. Her hair was frazzled and out of its usual ponytail, she had a bottle of liquor in one hand while the other was coated in some unidentifiable liquid, and her scroll was poking out from between her breasts.

Oh, and she was dressed only in a set of lingerie.

Jaune immediately averted his eyes, not wanting his girlfriend to see him oggling her mother. Silently, he thanked the Gods that he was already erect before Willow showed up… and then immediately took that shit right back, because the Gods were huge dicks who didn't deserve to be thanked.

Anyway, out of the corner of his eye, he could see that Weiss didn't know what to think. She seemed completely dumbfounded by this entire situation. Finally, she cleared her throat.

"Mother," she began, "why are you dressed only in your underwear and in my room?"

Part of Jaune wanted to point out just how much that line sounded like it came out of some bad porn movie, but he knew better than to do that. Weiss' temper had mellowed slightly since Beacon, but he wasn't about to test it.

In any case, Willow's only reply was to take a big gulp of alcohol before looking back at her daughter, her expression very much resembling a kicked puppy's.

"I-I jes… y'know, wanted s-some _action. _M'fingers don' do it for me anymore..."

"Your fingers? What do you-"

In that moment, Weiss realized what Willow was telling her, much to her displeasure.

"Mother, ew! That's disgusting!"

"Whaa…? No, ish not. Ish perfec'ly natural. Everyone does it. Right, Jaune?"

Oh, great, now he was being brought into this.

"Jaune does _not _do that!" Weiss replied, bristling. "That is a disgusting habit, and no boyfriend of mine will be caught doing it!"

Funny of her to say, since from what Yang had told him, Weiss had been a bit of a horndog herself back at Beacon, when she thought everyone else in the room was asleep. Sure, she could act all high-and-mighty, but that wouldn't change the fact that _everyone _on her team had heard her masturbate at least a few times. Hell, Yang had even once joined in for the hell of it, just to see if Weiss would find out, which she hadn't.

_That means that Blake probably has, too. You can't surround a pervert with something like that and expect them not to go nuts with it._

And once again, he was _very _thankful that he had already been erect when all this started, otherwise there would have been trouble between him and Weiss.

Willow shrugged off what Weiss said, instead going for another nip from her bottle. Weiss looked at her in disbelief as she drained the bottle, only for her disbelief to turn to disappointment when Willow looked genuinely sad that she had drank all her vodka.

_This woman is actually drinking straight vodka right out of the bottle._

Weiss had warned him that her mother liked the sauce a bit too much, but this was ridiculous. He had figured that Willow would be into some stereotypical rich person drink like fancy artisan wine, or knowing her family's legacy, the tears of Faunus laborers mixed with pure ethanol. Seeing her drink basic vodka was surprising in that she'd lower herself down to such a thing, but not surprising in that she probably didn't care about the taste of what she was drinking and only wanted to get plastered as fast as possible.

It reminded him of his own mother, only Mama Arc wasn't just drinking the cheap shit because she wanted to get hammered, she was also drinking it because that's what she could afford. Say what you would about the woman's drinking habit, but she at least had the sense of mind not to spend too much of her money on alcohol, even though she drank like a fish.

Of course, that hadn't stopped her from calling up Jaune the moment she had found out he was dating a Schnee, then immediately and loudly encouraging him to hurry up and put a ring on it so they could all finally stop being in the poor house, but still.

_That was an embarrassing conversation to have with Weiss._

Speaking of his girlfriend, she was currently staring at Willow, looking very exasperated.

"Okay, so you were… um..."

"Mashturbinating."

"…Not quite, but okay. You were doing that. May I ask why?"

"'Cuz seeing you and Jaune get it on really got me going."

Instantly, the color drained from Weiss' face. "...W-what?"

Jaune felt sympathetic to her, because she sounded like she was about to throw up.

Willow, on the other hand, nodded as if nothing was wrong. "Yee, I've got these cameras set up in every room. They're s'posed to help me get some dirt on Jackass, but I've found that they're just as good at letting me perv on people. Caught a lot of the staff bangin'. Tonight, I caught you and him."

"And… and y-you decided to-" Weiss cut herself off to swallow the bile rising up in her throat. "Y-you decided to… _pleasure _yourself… to the two of us?"

Willow waved her off like it was the most casual thing in the world. "Nah, just to Jaune. Wanted to pretend like I was the one suckin' him."

"Mother, I was still in the video! That's awfully close to incest, don't you think?!"

"What? No, I was doin' it to Jaune, not you. It's fiiiine, don't be such a priss."

Weiss looked like she wanted to throw up. She looked to Jaune for help, but truthfully, he didn't know what to do. Weiss had warned him to expect some craziness with her family, but this was far out of his league.

This was just his luck, too. Leave it to him to get the sweetest girlfriend on Remnant, only for her fucking family to ruin everything. He'd always figured that it'd be his family that would be the problem, but compared to the Schnees, the Arcs were downright normal.

And speaking of abnormal, Willow finally decided to really focus on him, because apparently his life wasn't painful enough already.

"Hey, handsome," she purred. Cocking her hips, she gazed at him with a sultry look. "Like what you see? My offer from earlier still stands."

Oh, he _absolutely _liked what he saw. This woman seriously looked like a stereotypical MILF porn star – she aged about as well as the fine wine she consumed by the gallon. What the fuck was wrong with Jacques that he would give up on someone like her? At this point, Jaune was starting to suspect that the man wasn't just a total bastard, but he was also stuck in the closet, because fuck, Willow was _smoking._

Not that he'd ever do anything about it, of course - he cared about Weiss far too much to ever cheat on her.

Naturally, he never got a chance to reply, because Weiss took that moment to grab hold of one of his arms and pull him close, the whole time glaring daggers at her mother. Just as well, because he probably would have said something that just made things worse.

"Mother," Weiss began, "This has gone on long enough. I think it's time we left."

"Oh, are you sure about that?" Willow asked. "Maybe Jaune would like to stay the night."

"I was considering letting him stay the night here with me until I found out how thirsty you are. Now, I know better." She seemed to read his mind at that moment, because she quickly looked over at him. "That's not a dig at you, by the way – I know you'd never cheat on me. I just don't trust my mother not to tie you down and force herself on you."

Well, that was a relief. At least she wasn't the jealous type.

"I don't think there'd be much forcing going on there," Willow replied. "I'm perfectly capable of seducing a man."

"Then why haven't you? You're so thirsty that I can only assume the last time you got any action was when Father last slept with you almost a decade ago."

"Are you saying I'm not attractive?"

"I'm just saying that we can't stay youthful forever, Mother. Make of that what you will."

"You little brat! I'll show you!"

And then, before anyone could do anything, Willow reached up and unclasped her bra, letting it fall to the ground. Jaune felt his face flush red as he hurriedly looked away. Weiss may not have been the jealous type yet, but he wasn't going to give her an excuse to start acting like it.

"Jaune, what do you think of these?" Willow asked. "Sexy, right? Much better than Weiss' mosquito bite boobs."

He wisely chose not to comment.

"Mosquito bites, are they?" Weiss challenged. "I'll have you know that Jaune loves my breasts! Tell her, Jaune!"

Oh Gods, this was actually happening. Why was this actually happening? It was like his whole life had just turned into some shitty comedy or something.

Jaune hesitated, unsure of what to do. "I… Um..."

"Tell her!" Weiss urged. "Tell my mother you like my breasts, Jaune!"

"I love Weiss' breasts," Jaune finally willed himself to say. "They're very perky. Perfectly shaped, and firm like… um… bags of sand."

He honestly wasn't sure what to compare boobs to. Apparently, Weiss wasn't happy with his description of them, so he quickly decided to amend it.

"They're very nice," he hurriedly added. "Firm, but not too firm. Perfect in every respect with… um… the cutest little nipples."

"Tell her how much you like to suck on them."

"I like sucking on Weiss' breasts. Like, a lot. You wouldn't believe how much I enjoy it. Sometimes she gives me a handjob while I suck on them. It's… um… very nice."

Good Gods, this was awkward. Part of him hoped that would be the end of it, but he knew better than to hope – hope was a killer in situations like this. Instead, he braced for what he knew was coming, that being even more retardation.

And as it turned out, he was completely right.

Willow snarled at her daughter, then turned around and poked out her butt. "Jaune, what do you think of my ass? Very shapely, right? Much better than Weiss' flat butt, don't you think?"

Okay, that was just unfair. Every part of Weiss was nice, that was true, but Willow's ass looked like it was carved from marble. He wasn't sure what kind of exercises the woman did, but holy shit, they were doing _work. _He wasn't even really an ass man, but Willow's was just something else.

And Weiss seemed to realize it, because her face suddenly flushed red.

"Well… I have something that's better!" Weiss challenged.

Willow looked smug. "Oh, yeah? What would that be, little girl?"

"I can do this and have it not be weird!"

And then, before Jaune could do anything, Weiss took his hand and snaked it under her skirt, then rested it inside her panties. He froze when he felt it brush against the familiar tuft of carefully-groomed white hair.

_Somehow, I can tell that things just went from bad to worse._

One look at Willow's face was enough to prove him right. The woman was _seething. _Apparently, the thought of her daughter getting plenty of action while she couldn't get any was very aggravating to her. Typical femcel behavior, and everything. It was like look into a real-life version of r/FemaleDatingStrategies.

_Weird to think of a woman who's married and has kids like that, but apparently you can't even pay someone to fuck you if you're a worthless drunk married to the most powerful man in the world._

Honestly, that was the only real explanation he could think of. Basically anyone with a working penis would consider it a fucking _privilege _to even see Willow naked, let alone get to actually sleep with her. The fact that she couldn't get any action at all meant that either her personality was terrible, Jacques kept threatening to black bag anyone who tried getting with her, or some combination of the two.

Willow must have known it, too. Because at that point, the gloves were coming off. She was going to play dirty.

"You think you've beaten me, Weiss? I have not yet begun to fight! Hey, Jaune, look at this!"

He didn't dare. To do so would be to sign his own death warrant. He knew what she was going to do, and you couldn't have paid him all the lien in the world to look.

He heard the sound of fabric hitting the floor, and knew that Willow's panties had just joined her bra. The woman was standing there, clad only in a set of white thighhighs and a white garter belt. The mere thought of it left him torn – that is, all the blood in his body was torn between rushing to his face and rushing to his penis.

_Pleasegodownpleasegodownpleasegodowndon'tletWeisssee._

But it was not to be. This was one of those erections that you can't hide – the kind that comes at the most inopportune time. This was on par with that time when he was thirteen and he had gotten a massive stiffy for no reason in the middle of giving a presentation in history class. The only differences were that now it wasn't exactly a _random _unwanted erection, and this wasn't a situation he could look back and laugh at. No, this time he was truly stuck between a rock and a hard place.

This must be what Hell is like, he mused to himself. Stuck there with one hand in a hot girl's pants, with your penis two-hundred percent erect, and her hot mom standing there naked and ready to go, but with you unable to do anything about it for fear of provoking someone. This was like the X-rated version of a Vacuan Standoff, the only things missing were a tumbleweed rolling by and the background music switching to 'Ecstasy of Gold'.

And then, to make things worse, Willow decided to speak.

"What do you think, Jaune? Much better than Weiss, huh?"

_Don'tlookdon'tlookdon'tlookdon'tlookdon'tlo-_

"Go ahead, Jaune," Weiss said, to his surprise. "You can look. After all, it'll just make it all the more sweeter when you confirm for yourself that I'm hotter than her."

Was this actually fucking happening? Was he getting punk'd? This was too good to be true. What next, was Winter going to come out of nowhere and join in? Maybe Penny would pop out of nowhere and decide to get some action, too. Hell, maybe things would get _really _crazy and Yang would actually get back all the character she had lost when Beacon fell.

That last one was a joke. Even the Gods weren't miracle workers like that.

But anyway, he had been gifted a golden opportunity here. He wasn't about to waste it.

Tentatively, he cast a glance over at Willow… and for just a moment, he was blinded by its majesty. It was… it was _Heaven. _So familiar, yet still different. Childbirth hadn't ruined Willow at all. Sure, she wasn't nearly as youthful as Weiss, but she had been blessed with the kind of body that any older woman would have killed to have. Weiss beat her out in terms of sheer leanness, but Willow was far from fat – rather, she was _curvy. _But there was one big thing that surprised him.

Unlike Weiss, Willow was shaved bare.

Okay, that was too much for him to take. He had seen what mortal eyes were not meant to see. If things escalated any further, his poor heart was going to give out. But it wasn't like they could get much worse, right? Like, what was the worst that could happen?

As if she had read his mind and decided to spite him, Weiss glared at her mother. "Well, it doesn't matter what you do, Mother. You can't have Jaune."

"We shall see about that," Willow said.

Jaune took that moment to pull his hands out of Weiss' panties, anticipating that something stupid was about to happen. As it turned out, he couldn't have been more right.

Both Schnee women launched themselves at each other using their glyphs, colliding in a tangle of limbs. What followed was… actually pretty pathetic. As it turned out, while the Schnee family was full of accomplished swordswomen, none of them could throw a punch to save their lives. The end result was a lot of slapping, hair pulling, and biting.

Oh, and Willow was still functionally naked, so that was great. Because things weren't weird enough, apparently. Now he got to watch Weiss as she and her mother fought like a pair of high school bitches, all while the latter's tits and cooch were exposed to the world. He wasn't sure what was worse, the fact that they were actually doing this or the fact that neither of them seemed to care that Willow was fucking naked right in front of her own daughter. Needless to say, this shit was weird.

Jaune just stared at them, unsure of what to do. What was a man supposed to do when his cute girlfriend and her super-hot mother got into a naked slapfight over his dick? As it turned out, he had exactly the answer.

"I wonder if Oscar is still down to go the movies," he said aloud, as he moved over to the nearest window. Throwing it open, he jumped out, falling a few stories before landing in a roll. Standing up, he brushed himself off before starting to walk away, whistling a small tune as he did so.

There was a loud crash behind him, and he increased both his pace and the volume of his whistling as he went.

He already had to deal with one pissed-off Schnee woman whenever Weiss' PMS struck. You couldn't pay him to deal with two, especially when one of them wanted him to cheat on his girlfriend and his girlfriend was dangerously close to letting him out of some bizarre sense of one-upsmanship. He was a classy guy, thank you, and as hot as Willow may have been, there was only one Schnee for him.

A shame she was just as crazy as the rest, but hey, part of him liked crazy… to an extent.

"At least the make-up sex will be out of this world," Jaune said to himself as he finally reached the main road.

As he found out later that night, it totally was. Just one more reason to keep dating Weiss and putting up with her crazy-ass family, he supposed. But that was fine – she was worth it.

* * *

**Thought about doing another tsundere chapter and got 1,000 or so words into it before realizing that I kind of hate tsunderes, and also that tsundere Weiss is sort of a dead meme at this point. Sorry my guys, but it wasn't going to happen. Instead, you get Weiss and her fucked-up family.**

**Also, hey, a setting that isn't Beacon for once! I figured that as long as I was going to try something unexpected, I might as well go for a new setting. Truthfully, if I wasn't going to go with tsundere Weiss, there wasn't a whole lot else to go with – Weiss' whole thing is being frosty in her early character arcs, and since I didn't want to do that because fuck tsunderes, that really only left one option. But at least I got a few shots in at the fact that she's flat as a board, yeah?**

**Also, I get that Weiss' family kind of dominated this chapter, so I think I'll eventually do a prequel chapter showing her and Jaune at Beacon or something. Someone should keep a running track of chapters I owe you guys - off the top of my head, there's the Yang chapter that I said I would do a sequel for, the Ruby chapter I said I would redo, and now the Weiss chapter that needs a prequel. You know, in addition to all the other characters I'm gonna have to do. And those are all coming... just, you know, eventually/when the inspiration strikes.**

**Next update: Saturday, August 8.**


	20. This Girl (?) Has a Funny Face

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 19: Ilia, or: This Girl (?) Has a Funny Face

* * *

"_You can't pick who you fall in love with, Jaune."_

As he stared at the scene in front of him, his mother's words echoed in his mind. In a way, Mama Arc had been absolutely correct – Jaune had been absolutely smitten with his girlfriend pretty much the instant he had gotten to know her. He couldn't help it – she was… well, she was just amazing, in every sense of the word. It had taken quite a bit of time to get her to open up, but when she finally had, he had discovered that they were very similar in a lot of ways, and the two of them had clicked almost instantly. Naturally, they'd both still had secrets of their own, but he wasn't one to pry – as far as he was concerned, they were both still young, and there was plenty of time for them to open up.

He just wished it hadn't gone like this.

Jaune stared at his girlfriend, looking very unimpressed. From behind her mask, she stared back.

"...Um, this isn't what it looks like?" she ventured.

Jaune's only response was to sigh. Yeah, he wasn't stupid – he knew exactly what this was.

"When were you planning to tell me you were a White Fang member?"

"...Soon, I swear. It just… never came up in conversation."

Somehow, he didn't believe that. Once again, Jaune looked around their shared apartment, which was now a wreck, having been filled with containers of Dust, disassembled weapons shipments, bound and gagged SDC executives, and a few used condoms.

_No, wait – those have always been there._

The condoms, that is, not the other stuff. Damn, this place was a pigsty. They really ought to spend some time cleaning it rather than just using it as an impromptu fuck shack.

"Okay," he began, "take it from the top."

Ilia nodded. "Well, it all started when I was born."

"Not that far from the top. I specifically meant the part where you decided to use our apartment as a safehouse for whatever the White Fang is trying to move."

"Oh. Right. Well, to explain that, we've gotta go _allll_ the way back a few months."

He sighed softly. Somehow, he could tell this was going to turn into another one of Ilia's backstories. You'd think she'd get bored of telling them by this point, but apparently terrorists couldn't just be terrorists anymore, they all needed to have some kind of sympathetic backstory.

Don't get him wrong, he appreciated that Ilia wasn't completely evil since that would make her very hard to love, but at the same time it just got old, what with seemingly every bad guy having a Freudian excuse for it or something.

_I swear, if it turns out that there's secretly a plot to overthrow Beacon and that the person behind it really just wants to fuck their mother – either figuratively or literally – I'm going to fucking lose it._

You laugh, but that's far from the most retarded motivation there'd be for someone to do something. Hell, he still didn't know why anyone else on his team even wanted to go to Beacon, and he had known them for several months already. Maybe that was why he preferred hanging out with his girlfriend over them – they just were just shallow characters, so to speak.

Oh hey, Ilia was still talking. It would probably be a good idea to listen in.

"-So then Blake had to sit me down and explain that just because you're someone's friend, that doesn't mean you can just wear their underwear-"

Ah, nope; they were back on the whole Blake thing. Normally he'd try steering her away from that topic, but he knew better. Teenage girls got fucking crazy when it came to their first crush, and he wasn't about to risk opening up that can of worms again. Still, it was kind of a shame – he was hoping Ilia had been over Blake since she had stopped trying to get him to dress like her, but apparently not.

_To be fair, I do wear that stuff pretty damn well._

Not his fault he made that outfit look good. Absolutely hetero, by the way.

Also, wasn't it weird that Blake apparently knew Ilia, yet never said a single thing in reference to the fact that they knew each other? Granted, maybe that was because it had never come up (Jaune wasn't about to risk bringing Ilia anywhere near Blake after seeing how obsessed she got, hence the need to get an apartment rather than let Ilia visit him at Beacon), but from how Ilia told it, the two of them were best friends.

_Note to self: don't ever mention that Blake has never talked about her, because then you'll probably have to deal with a very sad chameleon._

"-Are you paying attention?"

His girlfriend's voice snapped him out of it. Shaking his head, Jaune looked over to her, finding her staring back from behind his mask with a questioning gaze. Clearly, she didn't think he had been listening. Fortunately for him, the opposite was true – in fact, he had been vaguely paying attention the whole time, just not with his entire brain. Multitasking was a skill he had been quick to develop when it came to dealing with someone as overly dramatic as Ilia, mostly because he had learned early on that loving her included being able to tune out the melodramatic bullshit every now and again.

That probably sounds callous of him, but you can blame a guy for wanting to get through at least a few quiet evenings together without politics entering into the equation somehow? You'd go nuts too if your dinner dates kept getting ruined because your girlfriend wouldn't stop bringing up civil rights issues over and over again.

"Right, so let me get this straight," Jaune began. "You're actually a member of a massive terrorist organization spanning all of Remnant, which is how you met Blake. That's not important to what you were telling me, but it explains a lot, so I'm making a note of it. Anyway, your leader tasked you with finding a spot for all of this shit, because someone tipped off the cops and told them where your safe houses are. So, being the good White Fang grunt you are, you agreed, and decided to put this stuff in the one place you thought nobody would look, that being here. Am I on the right track so far?"

Ilia blinked, seemingly surprised that he had actually been following along. "Uh, pretty much."

_Thank you, multi-tasking abilities._

Coming back to the real world, Jaune continued. "Of course, you failed to account for one big problem with this plan, that being that if the authorities know who you are, they could easily just trace where you've been and find out that you live here."

'Live' was actually being rather generous – in truth, they really only spent weekends here. Otherwise, Jaune was at Beacon, and Ilia… well, apparently she was out doing terrorist things. He wasn't quite sure what that consisted of, but he _was _reasonably sure that he probably didn't want to find out, given the kind of videos that tended to float around online.

Killing people was one thing, but sticking them in fursuits was just heinous. If he didn't love Ilia so much, that would be grounds for an immediate breakup, but as it was now, he was willing to look the other way.

"Actually, that's wrong," Ilia stated. "The cops don't know about me, because I wear a mask and can change my appearance."

"Right, but how many chameleon Faunus are floating around out there, anyway? And didn't you attend a private school in Atlas at one point? Pretty sure they would be able to realize that the chameleon Faunus who's running around fucking things up with the White Fang is the same person who was going to their prestigious private school, especially once they start putting two and two together and realize that it didn't take long after you left for terrorist things to start happening."

That made her pause. "…Ah. So, um, what should I do?"

The obvious answer was 'leave the White Fang'… so naturally, that's what he told her.

"Leave the White Fang."

Unfortunately, her response was predictable.

"No, Jaune. No, I won't leave the White Fang. Not until I've gotten vengeance for the loss of my parents, and helped free Faunus from the shackles of their oppress-"

"Blake would probably be very disappointed to know that you're still in it, what with her leaving and all."

"You know what? The White Fang is overrated." Pulling off her mask, she unceremoniously dumped it on the floor before grinding it beneath her heel, breaking it. "Anyway, let's get lunch."

Jaune was actually surprised it had worked that well. "What about all this stuff?"

Ilia just waved him off. "What, this bullshit? Forget about it. I'm not part of the White Fang anymore; Adam can go fuck himself for all I care."

Surprising that she was just now saying that, considering that Adam was the one responsible for most of Blake's misery. If he was being honest, nothing that Ilia really did was ever all that consistent. She was almost like an enigma, if the answer to that enigma was 'do whatever would make Blake happy.'

But still, he couldn't help but love her.

Taking his hand, she gestured to the door. "Come on, I'm starving. Moving all this stuff into the apartment was a lot of work."  
Well, as abrupt as this seemed to be, she wouldn't get any arguments from him. Not like her deciding to stop being a terrorist could lead to anything bad.

...Right?

* * *

In retrospect, he probably should have expected that Ilia wouldn't be able to just leave the White Fang without a fight, both because it made sense that a terrorist group wouldn't just let its members go and because her being able to just walk out wasn't nearly retarded enough for his life.

A shame, too – he had actually been optimistic that things had been going his way for a while. That had lasted through the end of the week, when he had decided to head back to his fuck sha- er, apartment so he could see Ilia, as he was wont to do these days.

"Ilia?" he called, setting down the plastic bag that definitely wasn't filled with just condoms and bottles of lube for the weekend. "You here?"

There was no response, of course… except some muffled shouting from the SDC executive who was still tied to a chair in the middle of the room. Jaune focused on the man, his eyes narrowing in surprise.

_That's odd – I thought I told Ilia to take out the trash last week. Why's he still here?_

He didn't get a chance to wonder about anything beyond that, as something clocked him over the head. He fell to the ground, clutching at his skull and wincing… but unlike the movies, he didn't instantly fall unconscious. Apparently, his attacker hadn't expected that, as they kept trying to beat him up even more. Unfortunately, they sucked at knocking people out, so really all they were doing was beating the shit out of him.

"W-wait!" Jaune shouted, causing them to instantly freeze. "Look, whatever you're trying to do, it's clearly not working! Stop trying to beat me up and I'll do whatever you want!"

His attacker didn't say anything, which he took as his cue to look back at them. To his surprise, it wasn't just one person, it was five.

_How can you have five people trying to knock someone out, and also have all of them be so bad at it?_

Oh, and they were also all in the White Fang if their masks were any indication, so that was just great. As if he didn't have enough problems, now they were going to do unspeakably horrific things to him, like stick him in a fursuit or start lecturing him about his human privilege or something. Still, he supposed that, heinous as those things were, they were still better than him ending up on the front page of Liveleak, so he didn't resist when they stripped him down to his underwear and tied him up, then put him in a chair across from the SDC executive.

The man across from him seemed horrified to see him, and Jaune just rolled his eyes.

"Oh, shut up. This isn't exactly a fun time for me, either. And my eyes are up here, by the way."

Unfortunately, that was just about the only snappy comment he would get to make, as the White Fang members all took up positions across from him. For the first time, he got a look at them.

Of the five of them, there were three men and two women. He could only tell what kind of Faunus three of them were, those being a deer Faunus, a dog Faunus, and a bat Faunus. The other two, he wasn't sure about – one of them had purple veins criss-crossing all over her body, and the other one didn't have any identifiable trait, though he was fucking huge and carrying a chainsaw-sword.

_Oh, great. Not only am I getting interrogated by the White Fang, but they even sent Big Chungus to do it. As if today couldn't get any worse._

Thankfully, they didn't get right to asking him to check his privilege or something… in fact, they didn't seem to know what to do now. That caused him to raise an eyebrow.

"So, you guys gonna do something, or…?"

They exchanged a glance. "...I dunno," the one with bat wings said, shrugging. "We didn't think we'd actually get this far."

Vein-girl nodded in agreement. "Generally, Ilia handled the whole 'capture and interrogate thing'. She was kind of our most effective member, aside from Adam and Blake." The giant rumbled behind her, and she sighed. "...Okay, fine – I guess Bane is pretty good, too." He rumbled again, this time in a much more content tone.

"...Bane?" Jaune asked. For some reason the vein in the side of his neck flexed when he said it.

"Aye," the man with dog ears said. At that moment, the man with bat wings perked up, a smile crossing his face.

"Get 'em on board, I'll call it-" Deer Antlers suddenly slapped him. "Ow! What was that for?!"

"Don't start that shit now," she admonished.

He looked away, grumbling. She glared at him before turning back to Jaune, who was very confused.

"Look, I have no idea what this is about," he stated. "Can someone actually explain what's going on?"

"It's quite simple," Vein-Girl said. "You did something to force Ilia out of the White Fang. We're here to get her back."

"Yeah, I convinced her that she was better off out of the White Fang. And that still doesn't explain why you decided to come in here and start beating me up."

"...Admittedly, we didn't think Ilia would be living here with a man, so we panicked and figured that you were trying to break in to do something unseemly," Glasses replied.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, it's just that she's a les-" Deer Antlers elbowed him, earning a glare from him. "What is it now, Deery?"

"He doesn't know, Perry," she replied.

"Yeah, so we should tell him."

"You idiot, don't you know basic etiquette? You're not supposed to out someone, you're supposed to let the person explain themselves! It's common courtesy!"

"...Oh," he said, sounding actually apologetic, much to Jaune's surprise. "My bad. Yeah, I guess it really isn't our spot to explain, then."

"No, please explain," Jaune begged.

"Sorry, buddy – not our place. I'm sure you understand."

No, in fact he didn't understand. The only thing he 'understood' about this whole situation was that it was perhaps the worst interrogation he'd ever been through, considering there was approximately zero interrogating going on. Needless to say, he wanted off this wild ride as fast as possible.

"Okay, then what do you want?" Jaune asked. "I mean, it's clear you're here for Ilia, and she isn't here yet. She also probably wouldn't take too kindly to finding out you beat me up and tied me to a chair."

"Why not?" Bat Wings asked.

"Well, it's just that I'm her boyfriend."

All five White Fang members exchanged a glance with each other. Then, to Jaune's dismay, they all started laughing. He stared, confused, as they completely lost it.

"Okay, what's going on?" he asked.

"Ah, good one," Perry replied. "Yeah, like we'd believe Ilia would ever date someone like you."

"Not that that's an insult against you, or anything," Deery said. "You're just not her type."

Jaune raised an eyebrow. "...Because I'm human?"

"Sure, let's go with that," Vein-Girl stated, clearly growing impatient. "Look, we're wasting time here. Let's figure something out, then go back to looking for Ilia."

"Look, if you don't have any use for me, can you just let me go?" Jaune begged.

"Why would we do that? We have a perfectly good opportunity to practice our interrogation skills right now."

"But you have an SDC executive sitting on the couch. Don't you guys have it in for the SDC?"

Perry waved him off. "Executives break way too easily. Look, that guy's already pissed his pants, and we haven't even done anything to him."

Jaune cast a glance over to the couch. True to Perry's words, the man had indeed already pissed himself.

_Gods damn it, I liked that couch._

"Well, if you're not gonna use that guy, can you at least get rid of him for me?"

The White Fang all exchanged a glance before looking over to Bane. He grunted, then walked over to the man, bringing up his chainsword in the process.

"Whoa, whoa, wait!" Jaune called, instantly stopping the big man in his tracks. "I didn't mean kill him!"

"We're White Fang," Vein-Girl pointed out. "What else did you expect was going to happen when you asked us to get rid of an SDC executive?"

"I don't know, throw him out a window or something? Anything but killing him!"

"I mean, the guy's got a point," Perry admitted. "I'm a terrorist, not a murderer."

"There's very little difference," Bat Wings replied. "Trifa and I actually _are _murderers. Assassins, to be precise."

"Or so you claim. I still haven't seen any evidence that you've actually killed anyone."

Vein-Girl – Trifa – bristled. "We totally did!"

"Uh-huh. And how many SDC members are you going to claim this time? Six each?"

Yuma stood up proudly. "If you must know, I've killed like twelve. Trifa has gotten five."

"Oh, fuck you, Yuma," Trifa said, rolling her eyes. "I've gotten at least twenty."

"You couldn't kill twenty flies, Trifa."

"Oh, nice joke. Make fun of the spider Faunus for eating flies, why don't you? And I thought humans were the racist ones."

"Who said anything about _eating _flies?"

Trifa paused, her face reddening slightly from behind her mask. "...Point."

"Anyway," Perry continued, "I'm calling bullshit until I see some pics of your kills, especially since a week ago you were both claiming eight and ten kills, respectively."

"We decided that assists count as kills if you do enough damage," Yuma chimed in.

"Dude, this isn't a video game, it's real life. Don't try that shit here, especially since only losers who aren't good actually like that mechanic."

"Guys, please," Jaune said, exasperated. "Please, can you just… I don't know, defenestrate him or something?"

The White Fang all looked disgusted.

"Why on Remnant would we want to do that?" Deery asked. "We're not animals!"

"What are you talking about? I asked to defenestrate him, not whatever it is you're thinking of."

He honestly had no idea what they meant… or rather, he didn't until he saw the men – Bane excluded – protectively cover their groins. Jaune sighed tiredly.

"Look, to defenestrate someone means to throw them out a window. I know it sounds awfully close to 'castrate', but-"

"Ah, I get it," Yuma said. "You should have just said so in the first place. Bane, do us a favor and castrate that executive, would you?"

Before Jaune could beg him to spare the man's balls, Bane simply took the executive and threw him out the window. Jaune watched in confusion before shaking his head and turning back to the White Fang.

"...Okay, then. So, are we still doing this interrogation thing?"

"Of course!" Perry replied. "What, you really think we'd just let an opportunity like this go to waste?"

"I mean, you're doing a pretty good job of wasting it right now."

"Shut up! Anyway, we'll be asking the questions here, like… um..."

"How did you convince Ilia to leave in the first place?" Trifa asked.

Jaune sighed tiredly. "Simple: I laid out the facts and explained to her that staying as a terrorist was probably very bad for her long-term health. Also, I told her that Blake wouldn't approve."

"Ohhh," Yuma said, nodding. "Yeah, that makes sense – her and Blake were practically connected at the hip… uh, not in the way that Ilia wanted, but-"

"What Yuma is trying to say," Deery interrupted, glaring at the bat Faunus, "is that we understand now. Quite devious of you, exploiting Ilia's feelings for Blake like that."

"Thanks, I try," Jaune said in response. "There, you have your answer. Can I go now?"

"No way, we're just getting started. Up next… um..." Deery paused, trying her best to think of something else to ask him. Unfortunately, she seemed to come up empty. "...You wouldn't happen to know about any top-secret plans that Atlas has going on, would you?"

Jaune simply gave her a deadpan stare. She frowned, then turned to the rest of her friends. "Right, I'm open to ideas."

"Oh, oh!" Perry said. "Ask him if there's anything good in the fridge, I'm starving."

"You could just open it and check for yourself."

"But it's all the way over there, and I'm over here. Besides, it's not like we're short on time."

Again, Jaune sighed tiredly. "I think there's some leftover cheesecake from last weekend in there." Perry's face brightened up. "It's Ilia's though, and I don't think she'd appreciate you eating it." At that, his face fell.

"My disappointment is immeasurable, and my day is ruined," Perry deadpanned. "Anyone else? Trifa?"

"Alright, I guess I can come up with something," Trifa said. "What's it like being a human? Does racism just come naturally to you, or is it something you have to actively cultivate?"

"It comes naturally, of course," Jaune replied, his tone completely neutral. "Every day when I wake up, the first words out of my mouth are me complaining about how much I hate Faunus. Gods above, I can't stand them. Ever since I was a toddler, I was always hating Faunus. My first words when I learned how to speak were quoting crime statistics. Did you know that despite making up only thirty percent of the Remnant population-"

"Alright, alright – a simple 'I choose not to answer' would have sufficed."

Somehow, he doubted that. "Anyone else?" Jaune offered. Nobody said anything, so he looked over to Bane. "How about you, big guy?"

"For y-" Yuma began, only for Deery to slug him in the shoulder once more. "Ow! Come on, he's setting me up for these!"

The blond ignored him. "Well, if nobody has any questions for me, I've got a few for you: what the fuck is your plan, not just for the White Fang but for Ilia as well? Why are you so intent on bringing Ilia back into the fold when it's clear that she wants out? Why did you strip me down for this stupid interrogation? Why is that guy named Bane, was Death Guy or Mister Kill already taken or something?"

The White Fang didn't seem to know how to respond to his sudden tirade. They all exchanged a glance before Yuma cleared his throat.

"...Well, I guess we can answer those one at a time," he offered. "Starting with the easiest one: Bane obviously isn't his real name. It's actually short for Banesaw, and the reason why it's so edgy is because his real name is kind of embarrassing."

The big man loudly grumbled, causing Yuma to sigh. "Yeah, dude, I know – don't reveal your name."

"I still don't get it," Perry said aloud. "What's so embarrassing about being named Edward?"

Silence fell over the room for all of a few seconds.

"Perry!" Trifa yelled.

"Oh, damn it, I did it again! Sorry, Bane!"

Banesaw, for his part, took it in stride, apparently used to this sort of thing. He merely waved his comrade off. Deery, meanwhile, simply sighed.

"Yeah, I think it's easy to see why he changed his name. Not exactly the most intimidating name to have."

"Sure," Jaune replied. "But calling yourself Banesaw is just forced, yeah? Maybe try going for something a little less edgy?"

For the first time, the big man spoke.

"...Open to suggestions."

Jaune blinked. Wow, that was not the voice he had been expecting. The man had the voice of an angel, if that angel spoke in a deep baritone and was rippling with muscle. Oh, and if they were also a terrorist, couldn't forget that.

"Right, um… how about something cool, but that doesn't sound like it was created by a teenager? Maybe something like Hush, or Quiet, or Mute since, you know, you're the quiet one? Or maybe since you're big, something like Oso?"

The man rumbled in thought, apparently satisfied. With that, Yuma stepped in.

"Anyway, we stripped you down because isn't that how interrogations are supposed to go? Like, it's meant to dehumanize you."

"Oh, that's what we were trying to do?" Perry chimed in. "I just thought it'd be funny."

"It was funny _and _dehumanizing."

"Wait, if we wanted to dehumanize him, wouldn't we have been better off dressing him like a Grimm, or like one of us?"

"You mean put him in a White Fang outfit?"

"It'd be very dehumanizing – they wouldn't even recognize him as human."

"Who's they? Plus, he could never pass as a Faunus."

"There are plenty of Faunus who's traits aren't obvious at first glance. Just look at Bane – hell, I've known him for a while now and I'm still not sure what kind of Faunus he is. The only reason I haven't pegged him as human is because he really hates Schnees."

At that, Bane was broken out of his musing. "Schnees?" he asked, his eyes going wide. He reached for his chainsword, only for Deery to stop him by putting an arm on his shoulder.

"It's alright, Bane. Give me the sword."

Begrudgingly, he handed his weapon over. Deery almost collapsed under the thing's weight, but carefully set it aside, leaning it against the couch (and being careful to avoid the piss stains in the process). With that handled, Yuma turned back to Perry.

"Dude, be serious about this. Who would ever think this guy was one of us?"

"You never know," Perry replied. "In fact, I bet through some bizarre series of unfortunate events and slapstick, he might actually have it in him to take over the White Fang. All he'd have to do is kill Adam and get caught up in a big misunderstanding somehow, and he'd fit right in. And I think maybe Adam would hang around inside his head at some point, and Ilia would also keep dressing him up as Blake…?"

Deery suddenly slugged him, causing him to wince. "Alright, stop fooling around," she chastised. Turning to Jaune, she said, "Anyway, we want to bring Ilia back because she's our friend."

"Oh, well you're certainly doing a great job of proving that you're friends with her, what with this whole breaking-into-her-apartment thing you're doing. I'm sure she'll be thrilled to find out that you guys are here without her permission."

They all exchanged a glance. "...You really think she'll be mad?" Trifa asked.

"Gee, I don't know. Who could possibly be mad about someone breaking into their home? I know that if my friends broke into my house, tied up my boyfriend, and let some guy piss on my couch, I would definitely still consider them friends. In no way would I try to defenestrate them."

The men (sans Bane) all covered their groins again. The women, meanwhile, simply frowned.

"...Okay, so you may have a point," Deery conceded. "So, what do you suggest we do?"

"Leave, first off. Maybe try asking her if she even wants to come back before trying to convince her otherwise. You know, send her a scroll message or something… well, another scroll message, that is; presumably, you're here because the first one didn't go through or something."

They all suddenly looked very embarrassed, causing Jaune to blink. "You can't be serious," he deadpanned.

"In our defense, this all happened very quickly," Yuma ventured.

"You're all idiots. At this point, I'm convinced that the White Fang is more of a daycare than a terrorist group. How they get anything done with you lot involved is beyond me."

Seriously, you'd think that a multinational terrorist organization would accomplish a lot more than the White Fang had. I mean, what was their legacy? Protests? Riots? Maybe a few smashed business and murdered board members? Come on, that's rookie shit. Until people started getting mass Kaczynski'd or McVeigh'd, he wasn't going to be impressed.

Yes, I realize that I'm likely on a list now because I typed those two names one after the other. No, I don't care; I don't have a dog, so the odds of the ATF kicking down my door are marginally lower than they would be otherwise. But for those of you who are reading this and do have dogs… well, I guess I'll pour one out for you as you get Horiuchi'd or something.

Anyway, where were we? Oh, right – the White Fang being retarded. Yeah, if this was the best the White Fang had to offer, Jaune wasn't impressed, or even scared. Frankly, he pitied the Faunus for having to deal with idiots like this.

_How come the most ardent defenders of either of our races are always the worst examples of it?_

Seriously, you think the White Fang are bad, look at their human opposites. At least the White Fang got results, stupid as they were; meanwhile, all humanity got was fucking Cardin and Jacques Schnee. Talk about a raw deal.

"So, you never bothered to send her a message," Jaune finally said. "Do you really think she'll want to come back?"

Again, they exchanged a glance. "...Well," Perry offered, "when you put it that way..."

Jaune's only response was to sigh. "Just… explain to me why you want her back so bad, please."

"Well, that's simple," Trifa replied. "She's pretty much the most effective one out of all of us."

Yuma nodded in agreement. "Yup. She knew how to get things done. Granted, I'm pretty sure she was only so effective because she wanted to impress Blake, but still."

"That's also why we want her back," Perry explained. "We can't do shit without her. The only one who actually knows what he's doing with her gone is Bane, and we can't really rely on him since he gets triggered like a teenager on Mumblr whenever he sees any trace of a Schnee."

Behind his mask, Bane's eyes widened. "Schnee?!"

He reached for his sword, only for Deery to stop him once more. "It's alright, Bane. Give me the sword."

Bane obliged, handing over his sword. Deery took it and laid it with the other, only to pause. "...How many swords are you carrying, Bane?"

"...Seven," Bane replied, using what had to be his semblance to open a small pocket dimension and empty it of weapons, causing a small pile of swords to appear in the middle of Jaune's floor. "Seven swords."

"Bane, that is six swords too many… actually, it's _seven _swords too many, this is supposed to be a nonlethal stealth mission!"

"Yeah, how come Bane gets to bring his weapons?" Perry asked. "The rest of us had to leave ours back in the sewer."

Jaune raised an eyebrow. "Sewer?"

"Hideout, sewer, whatever. Point is, we had to leave ours at home."

"No, don't try and dodge my question, you fucker. You all live in a sewer?"

Deery sighed heavily. "Yes, we live in a sewer."

"Man, for real? Geez, and to think I was actually afraid of you guys. This is like watching a train wreck in slow motion."

"Shut up, human."

"Laugh all you want, it won't change the fact that you're all sleeping in knee-deep shit water, and that's being generous. Hell, after everything that's gone on over the past few minutes, I might just have a nice surprise waiting for all of you tonight. Just know that if you see a wad of tissues floating by in about two hours, that it's a gift from me."

"That's disgusting."

"So is beating the hell out of someone, stripping them down, tying them to a chair, and letting some crooked Schnee Dust Company executive piss on his couch."

"Schnee?!" Bane shouted.

Deery intercepted his sword as he pulled it out, shaking her head in the process. "Knew there would be an eighth… anyway, you're really still hung up on the couch?"

"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am! That was a genuine used Knislinge, only slightly coffee stained! Do you have any idea how much we paid at the discount store for that?!"

"...Like fifty bucks?"

"Sixty bucks, thank you!"

"Geez, and we're the pathetic ones," Perry quipped.

"We live in a sewer, Perry," Trifa answered.

"Yeah, but we're not broke students. I'd say that makes us a bit better off."

"We're so poor that we've been forced to eat canned beans for a week. The last time we were picking up groceries, a bunch of teenagers saw us and shouted 'These Faunigs eating beans', and then everyone laughed. And they weren't even human teenagers."

"...Okay, maybe we do have it bad, but can't you just give me this?"

"Look, can you people just go already?" Jaune begged. "Nothing good is coming of this. You're just embarrassing yourselves more and more with every passing second. Seriously, you really ought to just cut your losses and go before Ilia shows up."

Yuma opened his mouth to respond. He never got the chance though, because the front door began to jiggle. Instantly, everyone's eyes widened.

"It's Ilia!" Jaune hissed. "You'd better leave – she doesn't take kindly to intruders!"

He prayed that they were all dumb enough not to ask any questions. Thankfully, it seemed like he was right on the money, as they all immediately made a mad dash for the window. Luckily, it had already been opened from earlier, so they didn't break it over the course of their mad dash out.

Jaune watched as Trifa disappeared out the window, breathing a sigh of relief when he saw that they were all gone.

_Finally, some peace and quiet._

The door opened, and Ilia stepped in. Immediately, she paused.

"...Jaune?" she asked. "Why are you tied up?"

Jaune blinked, unsure of how to explain things. Somehow, he didn't think she would buy him saying that her old 'friends' broke in and did this to him… and even if she did, he wasn't sure he wanted to admit to something so emasculating.

"...I, uh, came up with this as a surprise," he finally said. "Surprise."

She blinked. "...Are you saying you're offering yourself to me?"

"You bet! What do you think?"

For a moment, he was worried she wouldn't buy it. Thankfully, his fears were assuaged when a small smile grew across her face.

"Well, it's quite unexpected of you, and I'll admit that I can't quite figure out how you managed to tie yourself up, but if this is what you want, then I'd be happy to play along."  
Jaune breathed a sigh of relief, then nodded. She took that as her cue, coming over to where he was seated and bending down to give him a kiss… only to pause, her nose wrinkling in disgust.

"What smells like pee?"

Thankfully, he didn't even have to lie.

"The SDC executive pissed himself, and got thrown out the window for it."

"Oh, damn, and I liked that couch. Ah, well."

"Yeah, it's a real shame. Moment of silence for the Knislinge, and all that. Anyway, do you mind letting me go?"

Ilia paused. Slowly, a sultry look crossed her face. "Now, why would I want to do that?" She looked over his body, then licked her lips. "From what I can see, you're right where I want you to be."

Jaune blinked, surprised, but didn't argue. Ilia moved over to him, settling onto his lap and hooking her arms around his neck before going in for a passionate kiss.

Now, Jaune had never been one for femdom, but he certainly had no complaints about what happened next.

* * *

"So, a walk in the park after dinner?"

Jaune nodded. It was taking all of his effort to keep from sweating through his shirt. Naturally, Ilia had no clue what he had planned, which was great – it was supposed to be a surprise.

"Yeah. I just figured that a really laid-back date would be good this weekend, rather than what we usually do."

Sex was nice, but he had other plans for tonight. The small box in his pocket was proof enough of that.

Ilia giggled, then took his arm. "Well then, let's go."

The two of them set off at a steady pace. Jaune already knew exactly where they were going. He had planned this all out in-depth over the past month. The two of them had started with a nice candlelit dinner at a fancy Valean restaurant downtown, and then to cap the evening off, they would be visiting the place where they first bumped into each other, that being the middle of Vale's park.

Of course, the fact that it had all been planned out did nothing to help with his nerves.

_Calm down, Jaune. You've planned this through, and more than that, this is what you really want._

It was true. He may not have known Ilia for very long, but the two of them had grown very close. There wasn't a doubt in his mind that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

The only thing left to do was actually ask her if she wanted the same.

His heart pounded the whole time as they walked to their destination. They arrived in the middle of the clearing, just in time to see the sun start to dip below the horizon, dyeing the whole city a muted orange.

"Wow," Ilia said, resting her head on his shoulder. "It's beautiful, Jaune."

He swallowed nervously. "Y-yeah..."

Unfortunately, she seemed to catch that. "Jaune?"

He did his best to avoid flinching. "Y-yes?"

"Everything alright? Is dinner sitting okay with you? I know you get motion sick."

How kind of her to bring that up now. But no, it wasn't his dinner – that would have been too simple.

"It's just..." he hesitated. "I… have something I want to ask you."

"Okay, ask away."

Oh, if only it were that easy. Still, he took that as an invitation to man up and just do it.

_Calm down, Jaune. Whatever you do, this can't be worse than Mom and Dad having to elope because of a broken condom._

Saphron was still mad about that, by the way. But that wasn't important right now. Right now, there was something else that took precedence, and as much as he hated to admit it, trying to put it off wasn't going to help.

He was just going to have to do it, then. No sense in avoiding it any longer.

Jaune turned to Ilia, gently taking her by the hands and looking her deep in the eyes.

"Ilia," he began, "We… haven't known each other for very long, but I'm not lying when I say that I'm in love with you."

She blushed, her whole body turning a shade of bright crimson. "J-Jaune… I love you too."

Well, that was a relief. It made this next part easier.

"I've thought about it, Ilia. And I've realized that, whatever happens in my life, it's not worth living if you're not in it."

That seemed to make her pause. "J-Jaune..." she asked, a choked sob of joy catching in her throat. "Is… is this what I think it is?"

He didn't respond immediately. Instead, he sank down to one knee, pulling a small box out of his pocket in the same motion.

"Ilia Amitola, will you marry me, and make me the happiest man on Remnant?"

This time, she didn't try to hold her tears of joy back. They ran down her face as she sobbed. "J-Juane, I..." She paused. "...Wait, happiest _man _on Remnant?"

"Yes. Please, make me the happiest man on Remnant."

Jaune wasn't sure what he expected to hear in response to that. He had figured it would just be a simple yes or no answer; he could have lived with either of those, even if the latter would have left him heartbroken. Needless to say, he didn't get either of them.

What he did get was infinitely stranger.

"...You're a man?" Ilia asked.

And just like that, Jaune felt his whole world shatter.

"Uh, yeah?" he replied, unsure of how exactly he was supposed to even approach at question like that.

"Oh."

It's surprising, just how much a single two-letter word can convey. In this case, Ilia's 'oh' conveyed a lot more than 'oh'; rather, it sounded a lot closer to a 'what the fuck' combined with a 'how the hell did this happen to us, it makes no sense.' Frankly, Jaune wasn't even sure how to proceed.

"...You, ah, seem very surprised about that."

"Yeah, it's just… um… I thought you were a girl."

What.

"What," he asked, dumbfounded.

Ilia blushed once again, though this time it was because she was ashamed rather than flustered. "Y-yeah...I, um, thought you were a hyena Faunus."

For the second time: what.

"For the second time: what."

"In my defense," she began, "you do have a very girlish figure."

"I have abs, Ilia."

"So do lots of girls, especially Huntresses. I figured that you were just a very ripped Huntress."

"I also have pecs."

"...Well, to be fair, I'm not exactly all that well-endowed in the boob or butt department, either. And I actually _am _a girl."

She had a point there. The only one who was flatter than Ilia was Weiss, but he wasn't going to focus on Weiss right now. Not when his marriage proposal had gone so (flat) tits-up.

"Okay, you're going to have to explain," Jaune began. "Because, even after all that, I'm still highly confused. Like, you realize that I have a dick, right?"

"So do female hyenas," she pointed out.

"...Excuse me?"

"Yeah, female hyenas have a dick. Apparently, they fuck the males with it and everything. It's really weird."

"...And you were into that, when you thought I had one?"

"Hey, I don't discriminate against people based on their Faunus features. Speaking of, what _is _your Faunus feature, anyway?"

Jaune merely gave her a blank look. She froze.

"...Oh Gods, I fucked a human boy," she said, her whole body paling.

"Hey, it's not your fault," Jaune said. "You didn't know."

"No, but..." She sighed. "...I get that it's not really my fault. Hell, it's not even _your _fault, since you didn't know, either. I just… fuck me, how was I so stupid?"

"Don't be so hard on yourself."

"I'm not trying to be, but it's a valid question. How the fuck did this happen? What went wrong in my life that I ended up willingly sleeping with a boy?"

That made Jaune raise an eyebrow. "Hang on, why is that such a problem? From the sound of things, it seems like you're a-"

"I'm a lesbian," she replied.

Oh.

"Oh."

This 'oh' also conveyed multiple different things. In this specific instance, it was a combination of 'holy shit, things just went from bad to worse' and 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.'

Well, only one thing left to do: damage control, and lots of it.

Jaune buried his face in his hands out of embarrassment. "Ilia, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," she said softly. "You didn't know."

"No, I didn't, but it's still not okay."

"Look, it's not your fault, okay? This is all just a big misunderstanding."

The two of them fell silent once more. Finally, Ilia spoke up again.

"So, about the marriage proposal..."

_Don't do that, _Jaune thought to himself. _Don't give me hope._

"Needless to say, it's not gonna happen," Ilia finished.

Well, there goes his hopes and dreams.

"Okay," Jaune replied, doing his best not to let his disappointment leak into his voice. "So, you're breaking up with me?"

"Well, yes. You're not a girl, so I'm not attracted to you."

"But you didn't seem to mind back when you thought I was still a hyena Faunus," Jaune pointed out.

She raised an eyebrow. "You're awfully defensive about this."

"I mean, can you blame me? I just learned that the girl I proposed to is a lesbian who thought I was another girl, and that I had a hyena's girldick as my Faunus trait. I think I'm entitled to at least try to figure out where this thing went wrong."

"...Fair. Okay, yeah, I didn't care back when I thought you were a girl. But now I know you're not, so now I care."

"So you're still attracted to me."

"Jaune."

"Hey, I just want to know if there's still a shot for me with someone else. Literally nobody had given me the time of day before you."

"...Again, fair. Alright, yeah – you're attractive to lesbians. That make you feel better?"

Not really, but it was better than nothing. "So, you were attracted to me when you thought I was a girl, and you still are, even though you now know that I'm a boy."

"Pretty much. Except now I know you're not a girl, so I'm not attracted to you anymore."

Alright, his brain was officially tied in knots. He must have had a weird look on his face, because Ilia sighed tiredly.

"Alright, it's like this," she began. "I was attracted to you back when I thought you were a girl. However, I now know you're a boy. I am gay, and therefore cannot be attracted to boys. Therefore, I am not attracted to you."

"But you admitted that I was still attractive to you," Jaune pointed out.

"Yeah, so?"

"So isn't there at least a chance that you're actually bisexual, and not gay?"

Ilia chuckled, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Jaune, please. I'm the gay girl here; I think, out of the two of us, I know how these things work more than you."

Well, it wasn't like he could fucking argue with that, even if he wanted to.

"Anyway," she said, taking her hand off his shoulder. "I think this is where we part ways. Sorry, but there's a Bellabooty calling my name right now. Bye, Jaune."

And with that, she was off. Jaune watched her go, unable to do anything but lament about the Bellabooty had claimed yet another victim, adding to Blake's ever-growing harem of shitty characters. He blinked once, then looked down at the box in his hand.

"What a pisser," he muttered irritably.

* * *

**As you can probably tell, the White Fang here were deeply inspired by their portrayals in Coeur's story, _A Rabbit among Wolves. _Check that out if you want more shenanigans from them… that is, if you're one of the maybe five people who are reading this and don't already know that story exists.**

**Also, I totally gave Bane a pocket dimension semblance just so I could reference _Roller Town _with the whole 'seven swords' thing, which is a direct reference to the 'seven belts' scene. Go watch that movie if you get the chance, it's very underrated. It's also really fucking stupid, but still, give it a chance.**

**Besides that, I know what you're _all _thinking, and no, the hyena Faunus thing was not intended to be a reference to _Ishuzoku Reviewers _when I wrote it – I actually didn't even notice the similarities until I was like halfway through it and was like, "Oh, this sorta reminds me of that one webm that's getting posted everywhere." Plus, that webm is pretty much the only thing I know about that show anyway, since I haven't actually watched it. I swear I'm not nearly as much of a degenerate as you all probably think I am.**

**Also, this isn't related to the chapter, but I'm gonna bring it up as long as I'm talking about anime: what the fuck is up with this new trend of slam death and deathcore bands making AMVs as official music videos? Within Destruction did it, Distant did it, Signs of the Swarm did it, Man Made God did it, Shrine of Malice did it, Bitterwood did it with fucking _K-On _of all things (they're actually a hardcore band instead of slam death or deathcore, but still)… how the fuck did this even start? I'm not complaining about it or anything – I actually think it's fucking sick – but still, it's weird. Lot of weebs into slam death and deathcore, it seems.**

**In other news, with this chapter, I've officially hit half a million words posted in total! It's been a long-ass and crazy year, and I can honestly say that I didn't think I'd make it this far – I figured the general response I was going to get to both this story and my other story would be some variation of "Get the fuck out of this fandom and never return", but I was pleasantly surprised that the reception has been extremely positive for both. Seriously, for all of you reading this: from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. You all make writing worth it. I hope I can continue to entertain you with my shitposts for many more chapters to come. **

**Anyway, besides that, I've got nothing else. Thanks again for half a mil, everyone!**

**Next update: Saturday, August 22.**


	21. Cold Heart, Hot Love

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 20: Winter, or: Cold Heart, Hot Love

* * *

Jaune had never expected finding love to be easy. Hell, his parents had flat-out told him that finding someone would most likely be the hardest thing he would ever do. They weren't trying to be mean, just realistic – there were so many factors that went into finding someone special that it would take years of searching, at the very least.

He had thought he had found her in Weiss, of course, but that had been a bust – she had never returned his affections. It was easy to see why, too – he had come off like a ridiculously thirsty man-whore. No wonder she had spurned him. No matter; he would just look elsewhere. He knew that the right girl for him was out there somewhere.

He just hadn't expected that he would have gotten so close to finding her the first time.

Cold sapphire-blue eyes gazed at him as their owner leaned down to appraise him. He swallowed nervously as the military woman scanned him and up down. He had no idea why she was doing this; Weiss had simply taken her to meet her friends, and Winter had honed on him with precision not seen since Ruby entered her most recent three-gun competition. It was actually kind of intimidating… and also pretty hot.

Hey, he had a thing for scary women, okay? Something about that aura they gave off really got him going. He had had lost many of his children to Professor Goodwitch for precisely that reason; now was no exception.

As he desperately tried to keep Jaune Junior from revealing himself to the world, everyone else looked on in confusion.

"Um, Winter?" Weiss asked. "Is everything okay? Jaune didn't do something to earn your ire, did he? If you want, I could discipline him for you."

Jaune wisely bit his tongue, mainly because he was torn between explaining how he wasn't a dog and also asking her not to make things worse for him by aggravating his femdom fetish.

Finally, after several seconds that felt like an eternity, Winter backed off, stepping away from him. He breathed a sharp sigh of relief, happy that he both hadn't done something to piss her off and that nobody had noticed him steadily getting more and more erect.

"You'll do," Winter announced.

He felt himself begin to sweat. "Um, what?"

"You'll do," she repeated. "I shall be by your room no later than five tomorrow. Be prepared, and be dressed appropriately – there will be a dress code. Professional wear only. Do not worry about paying – it is on me."

"Dress code? For what?"

"For dinner, of course. I trust you have no objections?"

It took him a while for his brain to stops short-circuiting enough for him to piece together what she was trying to tell him.

"I'm sorry, I think I might have misheard you," he finally ventured. "Because it sounds to me like you're asking me out."

"That is exactly what I'm doing," Winter replied, her tone never once losing its haughty flare. "Again, I trust you have no objections?"

Actually, he did have one – why the fuck couldn't he have met this woman before he made an idiot of himself in front of Weiss? Seriously, this was like everything he had ever dreamed of. She was aggressive, yet not overly so; calm and detached, yet somehow still very alluring, and not merely because she was smoking hot. And then there was the fact that she ticked several of his own personal boxes – domineering? Check. Older woman? Check. Tough enough to beat his ass into the dirt? You'd better believe that's a check. Yeah, he was really feeling it.

Unlike some other people.

Behind her sister, Weiss sputtered. "W-Winter, you can't be serious! I mean, really? With _Jaune?! _You can do better, I'm sure!"

"On the contrary, dear sister," Winter replied. "Jaune is everything I have been looking for. Is that a problem?"

_Say no, Weiss. I know we had our differences, but _please _don't ruin this for me._

"Of _course _I have a problem with this!" Weiss screeched. "Winter, it's… it's _Jaune! _The vomit boy! He can barely even fight!"

_Says the girl who has yet to win a one-on-one fight with anyone._

Naturally, these were replies that would stay relegated to the confines of his mind. Weiss may have been doing her best to kill his relationship with Winter before it even started, but the last thing he needed to do was help her by opening his mouth and saying something that pissed Winter right the hell off.

"Fighting has nothing to do with my interest," Winter said evenly. "Truthfully, I am looking for something a bit more… I believe the term being used today is 'low-key'. Having spent so much time in the military, I have grown weary of the machismo. Someone a bit more down-to-Remnant would be very appreciated."

"Well, that's me," Jaune said. "I'm very down-to-Remnant. You won't find anyone who's less low-maintenance than I am. Tell her, Pyrrha."

Unfortunately, Pyrrha wasn't liable to tell anyone anything, since she kept looking at Winter's chest and then her own, and for some reason looked like she was on the verge of tears. But that wasn't any of his business, not when he had a hot Atlesian big tiddy military woman trying to ask him out.

_And isn't that a reversal of fortune._

He wasn't going to be so crazy as to think that his luck had reversed completely, but someone somewhere had decided to throw him a bone, because good Gods, this was too good to be true. And the fact that it was Weiss' sister just made it even better – Weiss had been a complete bitch to him even after he had apologized for hounding her, so her older sister being attracted to him was a very nice bit of karma that he definitely appreciated.

Thankfully, it seemed like Winter wasn't about to be swayed by what her sister had to say.

"Now, now, Weiss – I think I am capable of making my own decisions," Winter said.

"But… but… it's _Jaune, _and-"

"Enough," Winter said, her voice stern. "I will hear no more arguments about this, Weiss. My mind is made up."

Weiss seemed very disappointed, but refrained from saying anything further. Instead, she turned back to Jaune, who was doing his best not to look like he had just won the lottery. "Be ready."

His only response was to nod. That being said, there was one question hovering around in the back of his mind.

What the fuck had he just gotten himself into?

* * *

As it turned out, what he had gotten himself into was a date. A very expensive date, sure, but a date nonetheless. Winter had even paid for the whole thing despite his insistence that they split the bill, because apparently chivalry really was dead and women truly did kill it. He had intended to end things there, maybe with a promise to do this some other time, but Winter had other plans.

Much sexier plans.

Needless to say, before he knew it, they were in a hotel room, tangled up in each other's arms with not a scrap of clothing to be found in either of them.

Their lips met once more, Winter again winning the short fight for dominance as she gently took hold of him and guided him so that he was on the bottom. A few seconds was all it took, and then with a loud moan from her, the fun truly started.

Or so it seemed.

Winter let out a grumble before suddenly stopping her movement. Jaune blinked, surprised.

"Um, Winter? Something wrong?"

She nodded. "Yes… yes, that's it. This position is incorrect."

Okay, then. "So, should we change pos-"

Her only response was to grab him and pivot, switching things around so he was on top and she was on bottom. He stared at her, unsure of what to do, and she stared back.

"You may continue," she said.

That was all she needed to say. Instantly, Jaune's hips were moving again, each thrust causing small gasps and moans to escape from both of them. In a haze, he reached up to gently take hold of Winter's chest, only for her to stop him, causing him to freeze.

"Is something the matter?" he asked.

"We are past the foreplay stage," she reported. "There is no need to grab my chest."

Uh-huh. This was getting weird. "Um… so, what should I-"

"Your thrusts could use a bit more force behind them," she stated.

"Okay, so I'll-"

"And be sure to run your thumb over my clit occasionally."

"Right, so-"

"And don't be afraid to kiss me."

He paused, waiting for her to continue. Thankfully, it seemed like that was it. Keeping all that in the back of his mind, he went back to what he was doing, being sure to follow along with her requests. He wasn't sure if this was how sex was supposed to go, what with the girl making demands and all, but he… didn't like it. You'd think that with his femdom fetish he'd enjoy having a hot, bossy girl tell him what to do, but it turns out that all that does is kill the mood something fierce. Right now, all he wanted was to rock her world, and her constantly interrupting was kind of ruining it.

"Stop."

Like now. Biting back a groan of annoyance, Jaune instantly paused. "Yes, Winter?"

"I've changed my mind," she reported. "You may grab my breasts now. Gently, though. And be sure to play with my nipples a bit – they are very sensitive."

This was bordering on too much information, which was saying a lot given that he was currently balls deep in her. But he was nothing if not a generous lover, so he was sure to abide by her requests, no matter how mood-killing they were.

So anyway, the night was long, but thankfully it ended on a high note for both of them. They each got their rocks off and fell asleep in each other's arms, and that was the end of it.

Or so Jaune thought.

* * *

"Sex counseling?"

Winter nodded. "Yes. Your performance was less than perfect."

He was dumbfounded. This woman understood that sex was a very human act, right? That naturally it was going to be dirty and imperfect, and completely unlike those romance novels she no doubt read when she thought nobody was looking, because where else would she get these ideas from?

"Okay," he breathed. "So, you want me to attend sex counseling."

"Us," she specified.

"What?"

"I want _us _to attend sex counseling. Together."

Well, at least she wasn't making him do this alone. That was a bit reassuring. "But I thought I was the problem," Jaune said, confused.

"We both could use some improvement. Our performances were lacking. I get that it was the first time for both of us, but-"

Wait, hold on. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

"I said it was the first time for both of us."

"...You were a virgin before you met me?"

"Yes," she said, her gaze turning dark. "Is that a problem, Jaune?"

Quickly, he held up his hands in surrender. "N-no! No, not at all! I mean, so was I before I met you. It's just… I figured that a woman who was as attractive as you would have met _someone _by now."

She clasped her hands behind her back. "I have had suitors before, true, but none of them met my standards – they were the macho military types, and I despised them. Moreover, I had neither the time nor the inclination to pursue romance until now."

"What changed your mind?"

"Simple: I am in my mid-twenties, yet have never felt the touch of a man. This was an unacceptable turn of events for someone of my age. Therefore, I decided to change that."

"...And you picked me?"

"You were the ideal candidate – ready, willing, eager, and not in the military. I intended to lose my virginity to you, then never see you again."

Man, talk about a crazy plan. This was almost as stupid as that time Blake thought she could fight the White Fang all on her own.

Seriously, what went through that crazy cat's mind? It was like she was permanently high on catnip sometimes.

Still, crazy as Winter's plan had been, he wasn't going to complain about it. Not when it led to them staying together past their first night.

...At least, he assumed that was what her trying to get the two of them sex counseling meant.

* * *

The office was a lot less clinical than he thought it would be. It looked like any other therapist's office… or so he imagined, since he had never been to a therapist. Him and Winter were currently sitting next to each other on a large black leather couch. Across from them, a woman sat. She was… much more attractive than he thought any therapist had a right to be. Her brown hair was tied back in a bun, and a set of tortoiseshell glasses sat over her dark green eyes. She had to have been pushing her mid-thirties, but all that did was accentuate her looks somehow. She wasn't old, just mature, something her gray pants suit helped to reinforce.

"Right," the therapist began. Looking to Winter, she said, "I believe we spoke on the phone, Miss Schnee."

"Just Winter is fine, Doctor Verde," came the response. "And we did. I am the one who set this up."

"Ah." Verde looked over to Jaune. "She's not dragging you into this, I hope?"

He knew better than to walk into that trap. Shaking his head, he said, "No, ma'am."

"Good, because otherwise this whole thing would be doomed to failure."

He did his best to keep himself from sweating through his hoodie at that.

Winter cleared her throat. "Now then, I trust I made you adequately aware of our bedroom problems?"

Verde nodded. "Indeed, you did. Just to review: you think your sex life could use a lot more passion. Your primary concern is with Jaune's performance. Apparently, he isn't adequately meeting your needs."

Jaune merely crossed his arms, grumbling under his breath. Seeing that, Verde raised an eyebrow. "Something you want to add, Jaune?"

"Nothing," he muttered.

Oh, there was so much he wanted to say. He wanted to say that Winter was a perfectionist of the worst sort. He wanted to say that she was demanding, and wasn't satisfied unless she was in sheer bliss the entire time. He wanted to say that this whole thing seemed premature, since they had literally only had sex a single time – her first time, by the way – and that had been all of a day ago. How she had managed to arrange a meeting with a sex therapist on such short notice he had no idea, but who was he to question a Schnee's connections?

Anyway, her connections weren't the problem here. Rather, the problem was that to him, Winter seemed to be the problem… and he could never, ever voice that, because he wasn't dumb enough to think a man could ever truly win an argument with his girlfriend. Not only could she kick his ass, but if she ever lost too hard, she could always just take her ball and go home, and then the sex would go from "poor but still enjoyable because it's sex" to "non-existent," and that simply wouldn't do.

As much as Winter was being a royal pain in the ass in the way that only a Schnee could be, he still really liked her, and he knew she really liked him – after all, if she didn't like him, she wouldn't have bothered with this whole sex therapy thing in the first place, she would have just found some other simp instead.

Basically, the point was that he was stuck. There were a lot of complaints he wanted to voice, and no way to voice them without jeopardizing what he had. So instead, he was just going to sit there and take it, like a little bitch.

But at least later, it'd be his girlfriend who'd be taking it like a little bitch, if you catch his drift… you know, if this whole sex therapy thing actually somehow ended up working, which he somehow doubted it would.

"Okay, then," Verde announced. "So, let's break down your complaints, Winter. What's your biggest problem with Jaune?"

"Quite simply, he can't satisfy me properly," she stated. "His performance is less than satisfactory. Mine is as well, but he provides little feedback during the act of fornication, so pleasing him becomes an exercise in frustration."

Wow, that was… actually thoughtful of her. He honestly thought this whole thing would be one of those things where the man is always wrong, yet she was actually admitting it was at least partially her fault as well. Good on her.

Too bad there was another Goliath in the room that was distracting him from that.

_Did she actually refer to fucking as 'fornication?'_

Geez, he knew the Schnees were aristocrats and therefore at least a little old-fashioned, but this was ridiculous. What next, was she going to start speaking in iambic pentameter? Maybe start a speech off in old Valean fresh from the Great War? That'd certainly be something - 'Four score and six inches ago my boyfriend brought forth on this bed, a new _petit mort_, conceived in coitus, and dedicated to the proposition of extramarital affairs between our two souls.' Some real old-school, downright poetic shit that wouldn't be out of place in a Poe piece or something.

_Who the fuck is Poe?_

Truly a question for the ages.

"Ah, I see," Doctor Verde said. "Feel free to tell me if I'm not on-track, but it seems to me that your problem stems from a combination of a lack of experience and a lack of communication. Now, Jaune seems to be a good deal younger than you, so I can see why his lack of experience would bother you, however-"

"Um, actually," Winter tentatively admitted, "Jaune was my first."

Verde blinked. "...Uh, okay. Sorry; it's just that-"

"Yes, I get it."

"Most women-"

"I know, thank you."

"Well then." Verde collected herself before turning back to them. "Still, now that I have a good idea of what the problem is, I can fix it."

Winter perked up at that. "Truly?"

"Mm-hm!" Verde said with a nod. "Of course, there's one little thing I'm going to need from the two of you first."

"Anything," Winter said, practically at the edge of her seat.

"I think a demonstration is in order."

Jaune felt his brain crack in half at that. Was this woman serious? Looking over at her, she certainly seemed to be. Needless to say, that was a simply ridiculous request – they weren't about to just start banging in front of her.

Winter tapped him on the shoulder, causing him to turn to her. "Yes, Winter?"

"Get naked," she implored.

The two halves of his brain cracked into fourths. "...I'm sorry, what?"

"Get naked," she repeated. "Here, I'll start if you feel uncomfortable."

She began to undo the top buttons on her uniform, which Jaune quickly put a stop to. "What are you doing?!" he asked.

"What the sex therapist tells us to," Winter replied, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"You can't be serious!"

"I am very serious, Jaune. I will do anything to make our sex better."

"Okay, but this is going too far! There's no way this is the standard procedure!"

"Oh, it totally is," Verde replied. For some reason she had stood up and moved over to a framed picture on her desk, which she was angling towards the couch. "Yup, definitely standard procedure. Recommended, in fact."

"Oh, yeah? Which manual recommends that?"

"The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Banging, Fifth Edition."

"That's not a real book! Winter, don't tell me you-"

He was cut off by the sound of fabric hitting the floor. Looking over, he found that Winter had finally taken her top off, and was working on unclasping her bra. Jaune found himself staring before shaking that thought away.

"Winter, you can't honestly believe this."

"Jaune, she's a doctor," Winter replied. "This is her area of expertise. We ought to listen."

"Yup, I'm a doctor," Verde replied. "Winter, if you could just turn towards me a bit… yeah, that's your good side."

"Alright, I'm not sure what's going on here, but we're out," Jaune replied, rising to his feet.

"Ah, no you're not," Verde replied, picking a piece of paper up off the desk and showing it to him. Jaune took it and read over it before staring at her incredulously.

"What is this?"

"A contract," the 'doctor' replied.

"Is it really? It's just a piece of paper signed 'Sex contract' and saying 'Juane and Winter will fuck in this room until orgasm is achieved for both of them.' My name isn't even spelled right."

"Still a contract."

"There's no way this will hold up in court. I'll have my-"

"If you have money, then I'm a real doctor," Verde deadpanned.

"-I'll have Winter's top lawyers work on it," Jaune replied.

Again, Winter tapped him on the shoulder. Turning towards her, Jaune found that she had stripped down to just her panties, leaving almost everything on display.

"Jaune, stop embarrassing me," she said.

Jaune couldn't help but sputter. "Wha- embarrassing you?! Winter, she's trying to get us to have sex in front of her! This whole thing is like a bad amateur porno!"

"Damn, was it that easy to figure out…?" Verde muttered.

"Well, be that as it may, I signed the contract," Winter pointed out. "Now, I'd really like to get through this therapy session so our love lives will improve."

Jaune just stared at her blankly. Okay, she _couldn't _be serious – it was blatantly obvious that this was all a big scam designed to get free performers for some shitty adult movie being filmed. He couldn't see the cameras anywhere, but that didn't mean they weren't there – they were probably hidden in a photo or something. Also, really, a photo? What kind of asshole hides cameras in family photos?

* * *

Miles away, in Atlas, Willow Schnee paused as she raised her glass of alcohol to her lips.

"I sense a disturbance," she said aloud. "As if I was just referenced openly in some way for the amusement of a substantial number of people."

The sheets next to her rustled before being pulled down, revealing black hair and red eyes. "You're imagining things," Qrow said. "Now, you gonna drink that or not?"

Willow replied by draining the entire bottle of whiskey in just a few short gulps. Qrow stared, amazed, as she threw the empty bottle away before climbing back on top of him. It lasted for only a minute before he chuckled.

"Man, good thing there's no way our respective family members know each other, because that would make this kind of weird."

* * *

Back in the 'sex therapist's' office, Jaune found himself staring at Winter again, trying to make sense of everything. It was so obvious – how could she not realize they were being taken for a ride?

And then it hit him: it wasn't that she didn't realize what was happening, it was that she simply refused to believe that this wouldn't help. She needed this whole thing to work out, because if it didn't, she would probably think their relationship was done for, much like that monkey Faunus' chances with Blake.

But that was okay, because honestly, he was too good for Blake. Truly the best boy.

Anyway, that aside, Jaune knew what he needed to do. Winter very desperately needed this to work out somehow, and despite the fact that it seemed like it would never work, he had to at least give it an honest try. And if that meant being the star in some seedy director's shitty amateur porn movie, well, so be it.

"Okay," Jaune announced. "Let's do it."

Winter took that as her cue to get busy, and get busy they did.

But just as an extra middle finger to the director, Jaune made sure that all of it ended up on the couch.

_Have fun cleaning that up, 'Doctor.'_

* * *

Somehow, against all reason, it seemed that their little sexcapade inside the fake therapist's office had actually managed to work. Because suddenly, Winter had gone from not being able to stop critiquing his performance to just sitting back and going all ahegao.

Like really, it was actually kind of weird. Flattering, to an extent, but seeing your girl's eyes roll back in her head like that and her tongue hang out was more than a little disconcerting. But she seemed to be having a good time, so he wasn't going to judge too harshly.

Also, seeing someone as stoic as Winter Schnee get reduced to this was pretty funny, but that was neither here nor there.

In any case, it had been a few days since their little sex therapy thing, and two things had happened. One, Winter had decided that it had been a rousing success, as they had quickly gone from banging once to fucking like rabbits, minus the multiplication aspect (thankfully; he wasn't ready to be a father). And two, Weiss had ended up stumbling on their video, and had promised him a slow and painful death if she ever caught him somewhere Winter wasn't.

Naturally, Jaune had decided to stick to his girlfriend like glue… or, to be more topical, like semen in her hair. Which, there was obviously a lot of.

Sweet Christ, I'm really reaching for jokes. I need a vacation.

With one final grunt, Jaune was done. He pulled out, rolling over to lie next to Winter as she placed a kiss on his cheek.

"How was it?" he asked.

"The best so far," she promised.

Funny, because he wasn't even doing anything that different. It was like a sexual version of the placebo effect. But again, he wasn't complaining so long as it worked.

Truly, things were looking up for once. Which, for him, could only mean that at some point they were going to come crashing down, and honestly, he was actually pretty anxious to see just how shitty things got. If there was one thing he learned, it was that nothing in life was free, and if the universe decided to just dump a smoking-hot, sex-crazed Non-Descript Winter Holiday Cake in your lap, there was going to be hell to pay sooner rather than later.

Unfortunately for him, whatever he had expected that hell to be like, it would never have prepared him for what it was _actually _like.

* * *

When Jaune awoke the next day, it was to Winter cracking open the blinds in her apartment. He let out a grumble as light streamed onto his face, but didn't bother trying to fight against waking up. If Winter was already up, it meant that she probably expected a quickie before she went off to work, and he went off to school.

However, things were different today – she was already getting dressed, where usually she would have had his dick in her mouth by now. That in and of itself was unusual enough to get his attention.

"What's going on, Winter?" he asked.

"I have been requested to run an anti-White Fang operation on the outskirts of town," she replied. "Direct orders from the General. Sorry, but this has to get done immediately."

"Oh. Well, okay. Be safe, alright?"

"I will be."

She finished pulling on her uniform and slipped her saber onto her belt before heading over and giving him a quick peck on the lips. "Bye, Jaune. I love you."

He blinked, surprised, but it lasted for only a second before his expression turned warm. "Yeah. Love you too, Winter."

She nodded in understanding, then turned and left, closing the door behind her. Jaune watched her go, his mind racing the whole time. Maybe it was premature of them to have used the 'L' word so soon – they had barely been seeing each other for a week, after all – but the more he thought about it, the more it seemed to fit. There had been a lot of soul-searching between the two of them in that time, in addition to the purely physical aspects of the relationship, and it was difficult to deny that there was something more serious going on than just a purely sexual relationship.

She may have intended to only use him for his body, but along the way, something had changed in short order.

Then again, maybe she was just trying to keep him around for sex, because at this point, she seemed to be having a better time than he was. Not to say that he wasn't having a good time, but out of the two of them, she had been much more eager to lose her virginity than he had been. Frankly, this whole thing was kind of like a really shitty romantic comedy, only instead of the man being the desperate virgin, it was the woman.

And here he was, thinking that the biological clock wasn't supposed to start ticking for women until they hit 30. But he wasn't going to complain, especially if this turned into something more serious.

Pushing those thoughts from his head, Jaune decided to get ready for his day. Winter had gotten him into the habit of waking up early, so he had a few hours to go, which was more than enough to shower, get dressed, grab some breakfast, and make his way back to Beacon in time for class.

Stripping off his nightclothes, Jaune stepped into the shower and set about doing what he had to – lather, shampoo, rinse. Winter had spared no expense for him, which he appreciated – these fancy scented shampoos, conditioners, and body washes must have cost a small fortune. He would have told her not to bother, but she was insistent that everything about him be perfect, so that was a lost cause. And frankly, he wasn't about to complain so long as it made her happy.

Jaune had just finished running a bar of soap across his body when the shit hit the fan. It all started with a loud knock on the door, and then-

"Atlesian Military, open up!"

And just like that, the room exploded. The door was blasted off its hinges, the ceiling collapsed, someone broke a vase for no real reason… it was pandemonium.

Also, he might have screamed like a little girl, but can you blame him? You try getting raided while taking a shower, see how you like it.

In any case, a bunch of scary-looking people in military outfits came strolling into the room, then pulled him from the shower and bound his hands behind his back before slipping a black bag over his head. He didn't even have time to ask what was happening before he felt someone stick him in the neck with a syringe, then tell him to 'Go to sleep, bitch.'

His last thought before he blacked out was praying that Winter wouldn't commit murder _too _hard when she found out what had happened to him; the last thing he wanted was for her to end up in prison on his account.

* * *

Eventually, Jaune came to. He didn't know where he was, just that it looked eerily similar to an interrogation room from those shitty cop dramas his parents liked to watch. He was handcuffed to the table, so he wasn't going to go anywhere. He wasn't dumb enough to think he was alone, however – the one-way mirror on the wall next to him told him all he needed to know about that.

Perhaps most distressingly at all, not only was he still completely naked, but they hadn't even bothered to rinse the soap off of him. And that was a problem, because the last thing he wanted was to be itchy later.

His thoughts were interrupted by the door opening. To his surprise, it wasn't one person, or two, or even three who came to meet him. Rather, it was six people – five he didn't recognize, but the last…

"General Ironwood?"

How could he not recognize the General? The man was essentially the face of Atlas at this point. Everybody knew who he was.

Ironwood took a seat across from Jaune, his five soldiers flanking him. None of them said anything, only continuing to stare menacingly at him. Jaune swallowed nervously, unsure of what to make of this situation.

"Um-"

"Shut up," one of the soldiers, a very large, very muscular woman said.

Jaune, of course, complied immediately. He'd already had enough experience with pissing off muscular women after that time he accidentally pulled out some of Yang's hair during a spar, he didn't need to know what it was like to piss off a _professional _muscular woman.

They continued to stare at him for several minutes, none of them saying a word or moving a muscle the whole time. Jaune knew this was just to unnerve him, but that didn't mean it wasn't working. In fact, it was working beyond their wildest dreams – he was pretty sure at this point he had an anti-fear boner, so like a fear boner only his penis was shrinking instead of getting bigger.

_I sure hope none of them notice that. Maybe if I'm lucky, I can act like I was taking a cold shower, and that's what did it._

Hopefully it never came to that, but if it did, he was now prepared.

Finally, one of them – the shorter, more lithe woman – spoke.

"Nice dick, dude."

_Oh, Gods damn it._

Jaune hesitated. "...I was in the shower and it was cold."

"Oh, I'm sure."

Ironwood held up a hand, silencing them both. Jaune was both thankful and regretful about this. Thankful because it meant that attractive military women weren't going to talk bad about his dick anymore, and regretful in that he hadn't had a chance to explain that he wasn't tiny, he just had a reverse boner right now because they were all fucking terrifying.

"Now then," General Ironwood began, "Down to business."

"Sir, I don't know what this is about," Jaune protested.

"I think you do, son. Now, why don't you just come out with it?"

Ah shit, they were onto him. And here he was, thinking he could get away with it. He should have known better, though – nothing got past Atlas' finest, after all. That left him with only one path forward: confess his crimes and appeal to them for a reduced sentence.

"...Alright," Jaune said, his expression slackening. "Alright, I admit it. I told that porn site I was eighteen when I really wasn't. I lied in order to watch their videos."

The six of them exchanged a glance.

"Dude, nobody cares about that," one of the military men, who seemed to be the leader, said. "We care that you stole our workaholic co-worker away from us."

Jaune's heart skipped a beat. "You mean Winter?"

They all nodded, and he couldn't help but groan. Somehow he just knew that she was eventually going to find out that he had called her a workaholic, and there would be hell to pay when she did. But for now, there were far more important things to worry about."

"So wait, you're upset that I'm dating Winter?"

"Of course," Ironwood stated. "Do you have any idea how important Winter is to the military?"

"I mean, I have an idea. She's very strong, so I imagine that she's probably one of your best troops."

"What? No. No, nobody cares about that."

Well, that was certainly surprising. "Oh. Then what's the big deal?"

"The big deal is that she's the one responsible for keeping things running on a daily basis," Ironwood explained. "I mean, look at her – she's actually _happy _to do my paperwork for me. She loves organizing things, running simulations, calculating expenditures on a per-unit basis… Winter has been an absolute Godsend to those of us who don't want to do any work but have to look official."

"Wait, hold up," Jaune began. "You're telling met that the Atlesian military – the single biggest military force in all of Remnant, and arguably our number one bulwark against the Grimm… is basically being run by a woman who, until very recently, was so married to the job that she was more than willing to take on any kind of work, no matter how menial, just for the sake of doing more work?"

"Yes, that's correct."

"...Alright, yeah, I can see it. So you're all NEETs, then. Well-paid NEETs, but still NEETs. Makes sense."

Hey, he may have loved Winter, but even he had to admit that on the surface, she lived a pretty dull life. He had once caught her typing up a spreadsheet between rounds of sex. At first he wasn't sure what to make of it, but now he realized that she was just that much of a workaholic.

_Man, that girl needs some hobbies or something. All that work with no play can't be good for you._

Of course, that was easy to say, but harder to put into practice when her idea of play _was _more work. What the hell was Jacques doing to raise his kids that one of them could have ended up like this? What, did he have her doing her own audits by age ten or something? Maybe he got sick of doing his taxes and just had Winter do them instead. That would certainly explain why she was such a perfectionist.

"So, what do you want me to do, exactly?" Jaune asked.

"That should be obvious," Ironwood stated. "We want you to break up with Winter."

Well, he honestly should have seen that coming. Thankfully, he had a response for it.

"No. Not only no, but hell no."

"You don't seem to understand, Mister Arc – we aren't asking."

"And I'm not debating. I'm not going to break up with Winter just because none of you wants to do your jobs. Maybe you all ought to take this is your cue to stop being so lazy and actually take over some of her workload, because Gods know she could use a break."

Of course, it sounded brave of him to stand up for his girlfriend like that, but the truth was that he knew they weren't going to actually go for it. You ever try to convince a NEET to actually get off their ass and make something of their life? Yeah, that's pretty much this situation in a nutshell, but on a much bigger and far more professional scale.

Jaune relaxed in his chair, still uncaring of the fact that they could see everything he was packing. He was so far past the point of caring at this time that his balls hanging free wasn't even at the back of his mind anymore. "Right, so we're done here. Your ultimatum failed."

"On the contrary, Mister Arc," Ironwood said, sounding not the least bit perturbed, "I have yet to hit you with my ultimatum."

"Oh? And what would that be?"

"Either you break up with Winter or we _make _you break up with Winter."

"And how did you intend to do that?"

"Did you forget that we're all high-ranking members of the world's most elite military force?" One of the Specialists, this one a very pale-skinned man, asked. "It's within our power to have you shipped off to a private prison that technically doesn't exist, where you'll never again see the light of day."

"You'll be spending the rest of your days in a dark hole, surrounded by the meanest people on all of Remnant," the tall dark-skinned woman said, with far too much glee for his liking.

Well, that was a problem, because from the sound of things, those very same people would probably be spending the rest of their days in _his _dark hole, if you catch his drift.

Ironwood leaned forward. "Now, why don't you think nice and hard about our offer before opening your mouth again, because trust me when I say that whatever you pick, you won't get another chance to reconsider."

Well, that was a problem – he had been banking on them being so incompetent at their jobs that they wouldn't know how to properly leverage their connections in the military against him. Unfortunately, it seemed that he had gambled and lost, as they were actually very mildly competent instead of hopelessly incompetent… which, in retrospect, made sense given that someone had to keep the lights on before Winter was there. Why had he thought that this stupid plan would work again? In terms of sheer dumbness, this was like Team RWBY's plan to infiltrate the White Fang meeting all over again.

Of course, that left him with a huge problem.

Honestly, Jaune loved Winter. Really, he did, and not just because of the sex – she was just genuinely great all-around. Sure, she came off as cold and closed-off, but the truth was that beneath her collected, professional demeanor, there was a sweet young woman just waiting to give her heart to someone. He always looked forward to those rare moments when he managed to catch her smiling or laughing. Spending time with her was always a blast, even if they weren't really doing anything at all besides enjoying each other's company.

But given the two options, it seemed like his choice was being made for him. He didn't like it, but between breaking up with a girl and being black-bagged and dragged to one of Atlas' secret prisons to basically be a prison bitch for the rest of his life, it was a no-brainer.

The fact that he was doing this purely because these people were too fucking lazy to do any actual work for once was just adding insult to injury. Working wasn't even that bad, yet these idiots treated it like it was the worst thing in the world, hell they probably unironically used the term 'wagie' and everything.

Jaune slumped over, sighing in defeat. "...Fine. What do you want me to do?"  
Ironwood merely smirked, knowing that he had won. It bothered Jaune far more than he would have ever cared to admit.

* * *

"You're breaking up with me?"

Winter's tone made Jaune wince. It was that trademark cold, neutral tone she used all the time, but he had gotten close enough to tell that there was something else there, too. She wasn't showing it outwardly, but she was surprised, and very hurt. More than anything, it made him want to just pull her into a big hug and tell her that he loved her, but the microphone attached to his chest was preventing him from doing that.

Tentatively, Jaune nodded. "Yes. I… I think we should see other people."

She paused for a moment. It was the longest moment in Jaune's life. "...I see," she finally said. "Is there any reason why?"

"I just… don't think we're good for each other."

"If this is about the counseling-"

"It's not. Winter, trust me, it's not anything you did. I just… well, I don't know if my family would approve of me going out with someone who's over a decade older than me."

That was a lie, and he knew it. His mother would just be happy that he had finally found someone, and his father would congratulate him on getting not just someone who was quite attractive, but who was also very professional and well-established. Saphron would be suspicious due to the age difference, but she would come around with time.

Winter didn't seem to know how to take it. At the moment, she looked like she couldn't quite believe what she was hearing, but that quickly gave way to a rough acceptance. Slowly, she nodded in agreement.

"...Yes. Yes, I suppose family has to come first. I can see why the age difference would be a problem for them."

"I'm sorry," Jaune said.

"Don't be; it's out of your hands, and I can't expect you to go against your family." She exhaled softly. "Thank you for telling me face-to-face instead of through text. Now, if you excuse me, I have matters I have to attend to."

With that, she turned and began to walk away, at a much faster pace than her usual controlled and disciplined walk. Jaune could just tell that she was trying her best to keep her composure; clearly, him breaking things off with her had done a lot more damage than he thought it would, which was saying a lot because he already expected it to be devastating to her.

Honestly, it made him feel like a huge piece of shit. Winter was a sweet girl, and they had a good relationship. Ironwood could go fuck himself for giving him this ultimatum.

Taking a shaky breath, Jaune slowly wiped the tears from his eyes before turning and walking away.

He had never been much of a drinker, but right now, all he wanted was to track down that Qrow guy Winter hated and take a big swig from his flask.

* * *

A few days had passed since Jaune had broken up with Winter. According to General Ironwood, that should have been more than enough for things to get back to normal. By now, Winter would have resumed her role as his right hand, and once more gone back to basically keeping the army running all by herself.

It was a wonder, then, that it had only taken about half a week since their breakup for everything to go to complete shit.

Jaune could only stare in awe as yet another airship fell out of sky, plummeting to the ground and burying itself halfway into the street below. Thankfully, it didn't explode… but that was a small condolence to everyone on the ground, who had started to do what people are wont to do in a crisis, which is to say they had resorted to screaming and running around in circles, when they weren't taking advantage of the situation to get some free shit.

_Why do we even bother to save most of these people? _Jaune couldn't help but wonder as he saw yet another person toss a trash can into a store window and then begin to clean it out. _Seriously, this entire event is just one big argument for why the Grimm should hurry it up and eat us already._

Perhaps it was callous of him to think that of not-so-innocent people, but honestly, he was a hundred and ten percent done right now. This would probably make him sound like a metalcore-listening edgelord, but breaking up with his girlfriend had made him severely depressed over the past couple of days. Even seeing Nora accidentally spill syrup in Weiss' hair hadn't made it any better, and that had actually gotten Weiss to break character and give out one of her trademark autistic screeches that she only gave out when something _really _pissed her off. But apparently even a good dose of schadenfreude couldn't cure his shitty mood, which is how he knew this wasn't his everyday depression that social media thots suffered when they only got a few thousand likes on their stupid posts instead of tens of thousands. No, this was _advanced _depression, like finding out your dog just died or something.

Sighing, Jaune shoved his hands into his pockets and began to walk away from the chaos, not even paying attention as yet another aircraft came crashing down.

Walking down the street to the soothing sounds of Atlesian airships falling out of the sky, Jaune was utterly unprepared for someone to black-bag him, then pick him up and carry him to a waiting van before speeding off.

_Oh, great, _he thought to himself, _here we go again. I sure hope they let me keep my pants this time._

* * *

As luck would have it, they did indeed let him keep his pants this time.

The bag was suddenly pulled off his head, allowing him to come face-to-face with a _very _haggard looking General Ironwood. The man looked like Ozpin did that one day that midget girl from Haven had pranked him by replacing all his personal coffee with decaf, only without the ensuing all-encompassing rage that came just a few moments later and resulted in said midget being stranded on top of Beacon's tower with no way down.

Let it be known that living at Beacon was nothing like what the brochures advertised.

But that wasn't important right now, what was important was that Jaune had once again been dragged in front of these people, and much like a bad joke in this fic, experiencing it for a second time wasn't any better than the first.

"What is it now?" Jaune snapped. "I did what you asked. I thought we had a deal."

"Yes, you did," Ironwood replied.

"Great, then we ought to be done here. So can I go?"

"We have another request for you."

"Oh, I'm sure. What could it possibly be this time?"

"We want you to get back together with Winter."

Jaune instantly paused. Well, that certainly hadn't been what he expected. "...I'm sorry, what?"

"You heard me," Ironwood replied. "We want you to start dating her again."

"...Okay, not that I'm unhappy that you're telling me to do this, but why? Because last I checked, you were upset that you actually had to do real work for once in your POG life."

It felt wrong calling someone a POG when he wasn't in the military, but it seemed to have the desired effect, as everyone winced at it. He would have actually felt bad about it if the General hadn't already proven himself to basically be the very definition of a POG, in addition to being a pack of dicks.

"To put it simply," Ironwood began, "we forgot to factor in the effect your breakup would have on her."

Jaune cocked an eyebrow, and Ironwood continued, sounding much more panicked. "She's gone from doing less work to doing _no _work! All she's done for the past few days is sit in her hotel room, eating ice cream straight from the tub, drinking wine, watching horrible romantic comedies, and crying! The military is falling apart without her, Jaune!"

Now it was Jaune's turn to wince. Okay, yeah, he _really _needed to get back together with her, because hearing that made his heart hurt.

"Say no more," Jaune cut in. "Just… don't think for even a second that I'm doing this for you. I'm doing this for Winter, and only for Winter. And I'm doing this _my _way, not your way."

They seemed relieved at that, which was great.

Because it meant that he could finally go about getting his revenge the way he wanted to.

* * *

It didn't take Jaune any time at all to find himself at Winter's hotel room, which was kind of amazing given that he was constantly having to dodge falling airships, rogue Paladins, and a short-circuiting android that wouldn't stop screaming "Number Five is alive!"

Maybe at some point he would have been concerned about the shady shit Atlas was up to, but at this point he didn't care, because he had a girl to win back.

Raising a hand, Jaune softly rapped on the door. For a few seconds, there was no response, but then he got one in the form of a muffle 'Go away'. Frowning, he once more knocked gently.

"Winter, it's Jaune. Please open up, I want to talk with you."

That definitely earned a response, if the sudden clamor from the other side of the door was any indication. It almost sounded like she propelled herself over to the door using a glyph, but that couldn't be true because… well, he was going to say 'because Winter was too dignified for that', but given that the outside of her hotel room was surrounded by no less than two-dozen empty pints of ice cream, he was pretty sure that dignity had left the building by this point.

The door came flying open, revealing Winter to him for the first time in days. And she looked… well, it was _Winter, _she could make a fucking EOD suit look flattering with her figure. She was dressed in shorts and a T-shirt (he was surprised she even owned casual clothes), her makeup hadn't been applied, her hair was down instead of being held up in a bun like usual, and the corners of her mouth were stained with what looked like mint chocolate chip ice cream.

And you know what? To him, she still looked like the prettiest girl in the world.

"Jaune," she said, as if she couldn't believe it. "I don't… why are you here?"

It was clear to him what she wanted to ask, but apparently she didn't want to risk giving herself hope for something she thought would never happen. And that honestly made him feel even worse about this whole thing. It wasn't even really his fault – there's only so much you can do when one of the most powerful men in the world threatens to send you to a black site, after all – but it still made him feel like garbage for putting her through all this.

But that just meant that he was going to have to fix it even harder.

"Winter, I'm sorry," he began. "I really didn't want to break up with you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I love you. I want you ba-"

He never got to finish before she suddenly lunged forwards and pressed her lips against his. His eyes widened for a moment before he let himself get lost in the kiss.

_Yup, definitely mint chocolate chip._

After a few seconds, she pulled away, doing her best to make it look like she wasn't about to start crying tears of joy. But he knew better than that, though – even the Ice Queen had her tells.

"Well, I… I suppose I could take you back," she said.

Jaune didn't even have the heart to call her out for trying to play coy. He was too busy trying to keep himself from jumping for joy.

"Now then," she began, "I have to know: if you wanted me back so bad, then why break up with me in the first place? Was your family truly so overbearing?"

Ironic coming from her, but there would be time to throw shade at the rest of her family later. For now, all that he cared about was the she got the truth, both because she deserved it and because the tin man could go fuck himself.

As if on cue, he happened to glance out the nearby window, where he saw Ironwood and the Ace Ops standing there, frantically signaling him to stay quiet.

_Aw, that's cute – they think they still have power over me._

Maybe at one point they did, but the tables had turned. He held all the cards now, and he was intent on playing every single one of them.

"Actually, that business with my family was a huge lie," he said. "In fact, I never wanted to break up with you in the first place."

"Truly? Then why do it?"

"Well, when one of the most powerful men in the world threatens to have you thrown into a secret prison for the rest of your life because you're dating his subordinate – otherwise known as the only person who's such a workaholic that she's basically not only keeping the entire military running by herself, but she's also keeping him from having to do any work at all – you kind of can't say no."

It took a moment for Winter to process things. It was actually quite something, seeing the look of dumbfounded belief on her face go to sheer rage for a fraction of a second before she went back to her usual calm demeanor.

"You're taking this rather well," Jaune observed.

"Of course," came her response. "How else am I supposed to take realizing that I have several months of accrued leave that I am owed?"

"Ah, I see. Planning to spend it all at once, then?"

"Of course. I was getting quite used to being alone, but now I think I would rather enjoy the company of another for some time. Care to join me?"

"Certainly. But first..."

Jaune stepped into her room, approaching his window and pulling his scroll out. He tabbed over to his bookmarked page – a song on DustTube – before pressing his scroll against the window. Ironwood looked like he was about to blow a gasket, now that he realized that things were only going to get worse for him since Winter was going to cash in her leave as a form of petty revenge.

Unfortunately for him, she wasn't the only one that was petty. Jaune couldn't help but crack a grin as he pressed play and his scroll started to blast music.

_"Ragie wagie,_

_Stomps his feet._

_Ragie wagie._

_Can't be NEET._

_If he does,_

_He won't eat._

_If no slaving,_

_Sleep in street._

_Ragie wagie,_

_Stomps his feet._

_Ragie wagie,_

_Scared of NEET._

_Wagie cry and wagie moan,_

_Work his fingers to the bone._

_Work and work, no time for fun,_

_Only exit is a gun."_

With that, the song ended, and Jaune cracked a huge grin at the General and his squad of sycophants.

"Have fun piecing the military back together, General. I know I'll have fun watching you do it."

And with that, he drew the blinds shut before retreating to his girlfriend's arms… though that lasted only a little bit before she pulled him over to the bed.

Outside, another airship fell to the ground, but Jaune didn't care. Frankly, he was done dealing with Atlas at this point. They could clean up their own mess for once. Plus, it wasn't like those airships were actually needed for anything, right?

...Right?

_Less thinking, more fun times with Winter._

Either way, he wasn't about to complain. After all, as far he was concerned, everything here was just perfect.

* * *

**This one ended up being harder than I thought it'd be, but I think it turned out nicely. I think I'm going to try to get a few of the more difficult-to-work-with characters out of the way over the next few chapters, just because they're not going to get any easier and I might as well hurry up and get them done. Plus, if they turn out like this one did, I'll be more than happy with their overall quality.**

**Anyway, I'd like to thank my man UnlawfulGentleman for letting me bounce some ideas off of him both for this chapter and a few of the upcoming ones, and for providing the idea of having Winter and Jaune attend sex therapy. I was pretty stuck in this chapter until I started talking with him a bit, so that was very helpful.**

**Besides that, I don't really have anything else, except to say thank you to all of you for helping me make it to twenty chapters of this fic. The response this thing got has just been utterly unreal, and I can't thank you all enough for it. I owe this fic's success to all of you. Thank you all so much for helping me get here, and I hope that I can continue to entertain you all with my shitposts for a very long time.**

**Next update: Saturday, September 5.**


	22. Shoutout To Mallobaude

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 21: Ozpina (Ozpin R63), or: Shoutout to Mallobaude (For Somehow Making this Pairing Work)

* * *

Coming to Beacon had certainly had its fair share of surprises. Jaune certainly hadn't expected being put on a team with a celebrity, for one. He also hadn't expected all the girls in school to look like supermodels. He _really _hadn't expected that none of his peers would be so blind as to just assume that he hadn't gotten in illegally, but rather that he was just a shitty student.

Seriously, he loved everyone here, but they weren't exactly the brightest bunch. No wonder the Grimm was winning.

Anyway, for as surprising as all of that was, none of it held a candle to the thing he would consider the _most _surprising. He could have had a million years to consider what his time at Beacon would actually be like, and this would have never crossed his mind a single time.

"Check."

It was just too good to be true.

Sighing, Jaune pulled his shirt over his head, dropping it on the floor. He stared at the headmistress before shaking his head. "I don't know why you insist on doing this every time. We both know how this is going to end."

Ozpina simply smirked. "Mister Arc, surely you must understand the value of working for your prize."

"I do, but I'm also aware of the fact that the best things in life are free. All you have to do is ask."

She looked amused to hear him say that. Truthfully, he wasn't being entirely serious – he certainly enjoyed his time with the headmistress, odd as it could be. She definitely had her quirks – an addiction to hot chocolate, an ever-present urge to begin each of their 'meetings' with a round of strip chess, and a compulsive need to see just how much she could push Glynda's buttons before the deputy headmistress had to excuse herself to go blow off some steam.

Oh, and she was also really into anal, but that was neither here nor there.

"I believe it's your turn, Mister Arc."

Jaune turned his attention back to the board. Truthfully, she had him cornered, though that wasn't exactly strange – she was so good at chess that it was almost like she had multiple lifetimes of experience playing the game. But he knew that wasn't the case, because it would be kind of stupid if it was.

Seriously, what next? Were the Gods going to turn out to be real? He'd believe it when he actually saw it for himself, and no sooner.

Staring at the board, Jaune pondered his next move. She truly had him cornered, with his king locked between her queen and her rook. There was one open spot he could move to, but he could already see how this was going to end – he'd move his king, then she'd finish him off by maneuvering her bishop, leaving him with no way out. Sighing, Jaune shook his head.

"I concede the game. You win, headmistress."

"A shame," she said, clearing off the board. "You started off strong this time."

He had, actually – she had gotten both her knights out early on, and through some bizarre stroke of luck, he had managed to take both of them within the first few turns. Of course, part of him was convinced that the only reason she even lost them in the first place was because she was having mercy on him, since their round the previous day had ended with him stark naked before he had even been checkmated, and her with everything still on. Today had been different, though – she had taken her time before even putting him in check for the first time, apparently savoring the fact that he was ready to go.

If there was ever any doubt that Ozpina was a huge troll, it died when he had entered her office a short while ago and seen that she had purposely left the top buttons of her blouse undone just enough to reveal the tops of her breasts. And to make matters worse, she hadn't worn a bra, either. Hell, she had actually leaned down enough to show him just the barest hint of the goods beneath.

Then again, maybe that was part of her strategy. Honestly, with someone as cryptic as her, it was hard to tell when she was trying to titillate him and when she was trying to teach him some kind of weird lesson.

Seriously, only Ozpina could turn a game of strip chess into some real 'wax on, wax off'-style bullshit. Apparently these games were supposed to help his leadership abilities in some way… or so she claimed. Truthfully, Jaune was just pretty sure that all she really wanted was his dick, and this was just her version of foreplay. Weird, but then again she was pretty old-fashioned.

_That's what you get for dating an older woman, Jaune._

His parents had always warned him to stay away from cougars, citing the fact that his dad had attracted them non-stop in his teenage years, something which apparently ran in the family if his relationship with the headmistress was any indication. Jaune, of course, hadn't paid them any mind, because what self-respecting teenage boy wouldn't want a hot older woman thirsting after him? If porn had taught him anything, it was that if a cougar approached him, he ought to just fucking do it. Perhaps that explained why he was so quick to give in when Ozpina had first invited him up to her office for one of her 'private leadership training sessions'.

Shaking those thoughts from his mind, Jaune turned back to the headmistress. "Right, you win again. What do you want this time?"

She hummed in thought for a moment. "Truthfully, I think I'd just prefer the old-fashioned way. The classics are classic for a reason, after all."

Jaune wasn't about to argue, given that most of her 'winnings' were often taken in the form of some weird or straight-up contortionist positions. He wasn't so naive as to think an older woman like her was inexperienced, but seriously, just how much experience would a person even need that one of the few ways they could actually get off was a reverse upside-down mating press? It was fucking weird, is what it was.

Anyway, Ozpina beckoned him over to her desk, and he followed. She began unbuttoning her blouse, being sure to take her sweet time with it like the tease she was. Finally, it came off, and Jaune felt his breath hitch. Sure, she was old enough to be his mother, but she still looked absolutely stunning – life as a Huntress had certainly done her well.

"Don't keep me waiting," she stated.

That was all she needed to say. She leaned against her desk as Jaune pressed his lips against hers, then began to fiddle with her skirt, dropping it down to the floor with just a bit of effort. She returned the favor, loosening his belt and unzipping his jeans before dragging them down, leaving them both clad in just their underwear.

The two of them broke the kiss, staring into each other's eyes for a moment.

"Take me," Ozpina said, her tone sultry.

She certainly knew just what to say to him, that was for sure.

* * *

"_Would Jaune Arc report to the headmistress' office? Repeat: Jaune Arc, report to the headmistress' office."_

The others seemed surprised to hear that he was being summoned to Ozpina's office, but he knew better than to think it was anything bad. Still, it was rather early of her to be doing this – he had just sat down for breakfast, after all.

"What'd you do, fearless leader?" Nora asked.

"Seriously," Yang added. "It must have been bad for you to end up getting called in this early."

Jaune waved them off. "Oh, it's nothing like that. Turns out that Ozpina really likes chess, and I happen to be a favorite opponent of hers."

That was the lie they had crafted, of course; after all, it would be a bit scandalous if it got out that the headmistress was sleeping with one of her students. This wasn't the best cover, but it would at least keep the others off of his back.

Besides, it wasn't like they were ever going to learn the truth… not that the truth was anything spectacular, mind you; Ozpina had simply invited him for a game of chess and ended up coming onto him, citing the fact that it had been a long time since she had felt a man's touch and he seemed like a good candidate. He hadn't argued, because why the fuck would he; one thing had led to another, and here they were now. Not the most spectacular tale of hooking up, but he wasn't going to argue with results.

Of course, there was one big problem with his cover story.

Weiss raised an eyebrow. "You're good at chess?"

Jaune shrugged. "Not really, but Ozpina is helping me learn. She says the way I play is very unconventional."

That was just a fancy way of saying that he had no idea what he was doing. That was okay, though – as far as he was concerned, if he didn't know what he was doing, then there was no way she would, either… at least in theory. Truthfully, he had only managed to surprise her a handful of times out of the dozens of games they had played, and even those moments where he had were less 'I'm stunned at your tactical genius' and more 'why the fuck did you just move your knight right into the path of my queen'.

But still, he was learning… and anyway, actually getting good at chess wasn't the point. If anything, it was the _opposite _of the point. Call him crazy, but kind of liked it when Ozpina took control – it made it easier to figure out what she actually wanted him to do. Him being in the lead generally ended with endless thrusting, and he was pretty sure that wasn't how it was supposed to go.

"Anyway," Jaune announced, "I'll be taking my leave now."

Nobody tried to stop him, which was great because it meant that his shitty excuse was actually working. He wasn't sure what he'd do if anyone found out he was secretly banging the headmistress of Beacon, aside from wearing it like a badge of pride, that is.

* * *

Jaune had to admit, he wasn't sure what to expect when it came to seeing Ozpina this early in the morning. She had always seemed pretty refined, so he had figured that she would retain that even early in the morning.

Not the case, it would seem.

Ozpina blinked upon seeing him, then yawned widely. "...Good morning, Jaune."

Jaune stared at her, unsure of what to make of this. She looked… well, still beautiful, but very tired. That was probably a given, though – her job consisted of wrangling a bunch of hormonal teenage shitheads for days on end, so obviously there was going to be a great deal of stress that came with the territory. He wasn't sure why he had expected her to be immune to the woes of dealing with teenagers, but for some reason he had just assumed she would be.

"You, uh, feeling okay?"

She shrugged. "Truthfully, I'm very tired. Running Beacon isn't as easy as you might think."

Funny, because to him, running Beacon seemed like a huge pain in the ass. He loved Nora and Yang, but between the two of them, at least a few classrooms had needed to be refinished already. Glynda just about blew a gasket when she found out the Nora somehow got syrup in the HVAC systems, to the point where Ozpina had needed to restrain her from tearing Nora limb from limb. Honestly, Jaune couldn't even blame Goodwitch for it – that had probably cost a very pretty penny to fix. No wonder tuition was increasing in price year over year.

Thankfully, that hike in tuition didn't affect him so much (being the headmistress' personal boytoy certainly had its fair share of perks), but still, it was cutting it close. That would have been a very nasty conversation to have with Mom. It honestly made him wonder what his plan was – clearly coming to Beacon would cost at least some money, and enough of it that he probably wouldn't have been able to pay for it simply by working a part-time job. Granted, it wasn't nearly as expensive as the regular private schools given the essential service they provided, but still, someone had to pay for their room and board, their meals, and those times when some idiot blew up the chemistry lab, and it wasn't going to be the city of Vale, the cheap bastards.

Anyway, where was he? Right – Ozpina looking like a zombie. Luckily, he had an app for that.

Jaune raised an eyebrow. "Have you had your coffee yet, Ozpina?"

She frowned. "Coffee?"

"Yes, coffee. I'm told that people drink it to wake up in the morning."

"Yes, I know what it is – Doctor Oobleck's coffee bill cuts into a good chunk of our staff financing, hence why there are only like five professors for the whole school. But no, I haven't; I'm more of a hot cocoa woman, myself. Truthfully, I've always meant to give it a try, but I simply never developed the taste for it. I may not seem like it, but I have quite the sweet tooth."

Well, that wouldn't do – she looked like the living dead right now. He was going to have to fix that. Luckily, he knew just how to do it.

"Hold that thought," he said, before turning and heading back towards the elevator. He had a mission in mind for this one, and his destination was the faculty lounge.

Honestly, the lounge was disappointing. He had always figured it would be super-fancy or something, but it just looked like an ordinary office break room. Well, it at least had its own attached bathroom, which meant that the teachers were already living better than the students (seriously, fuck communal showers, he was just about done with guys trying to peek at him). But that wasn't important right now; what was important was his mission.

It was over in mere minutes, and soon enough, Jaune found himself back in Ozpina's office, presenting her with a steaming mug of piping-hot Duncan Hills Coffee.

"Try this," he offered.

She glanced at it, unsure about what to think. "What is it?"

"It's called a cafe mocha, basically a hot chocolate with some shots of espresso in it. Give it a taste, see if it helps."

Ozpina seemed skeptical, but she accepted the mug all the same, drinking from it. Immediately, her eyes lit up.

"Not bad," she commented.

"I can teach you how to make it in a bit, once my classes are done," Jaune said.

At that, he checked the clock, wincing as he did so. Maybe they would have had enough time for quickie or something, but him doing her that favor had used up pretty much all his free time before Port's class. If he wasn't careful, he was going to be late.

"Well, sorry to cut this short, but I'd better go," he stated, turning and beginning to walk back towards the elevator.

Ozpina stopped him by reaching out and gently grabbing his shoulder. "Not so fast, Jaune," she said. He turned towards her, and she simply added, "You seem to have forgotten that we had a private tutoring session scheduled for this time."

He raised an eyebrow, immediately catching on to what she was doing. "We did?"

"Indeed. It would seem that your grade in history class has slipped slightly."

"Shame."

"It certainly is. Seeing as you are one of Beacon's promising young minds, I think it prudent that I properly tutor you in the subject, so you can more easily keep up with your peers."

"I see. I hope Oobleck won't mind me skipping out on his class for a little private instruction."

"Oh, I'm sure I can make him see reason."

Needless to say, there was very little academic tutoring being done that morning. There was certainly plenty being done on the art of tantric sex, though. Ozpina definitely knew how to have a good time.

That is to say, she was having _way too much _of a good time, and by the fifth round, Jaune was spent.

Groaning, Jaune leaned back on her desk, wiping sweat from his brow as his chest heaved with heavy breaths. He didn't know what had happened – they had gone for longer than they ever had before; in the past, she had always been the one to give out first since she had at least three decades on him, but now? Now, she was insatiable.

"Jaune," she stated, resting her head on the desk next to him.

"Yes, Ozpina?"

"Let's go again."

His only response was to groan. "Ozpina, I'd love to-"

"Excellent. Would you like another condom?"

"-But I think I'm spent. That, and I really have to get to class at some point today."

Skipping one class was fine, especially if it was Port's, but skipping Goodwitch's class? No thank you, he very much enjoyed keeping his balls.

To his dismay, the headmistress merely waved him off. "As far as Glynda is concerned, you're sick."

"She's not gonna buy that, you know."

"She doesn't have a choice, since I'm her boss."

"Doesn't she keep things running around here anyway? What if she decides she's had enough?"

Ozpina instantly paused. "...That's a good point, but let me provide a counter-argument: I'm still horny. Now, are you good to go for round six?"

No, no he fucking wasn't. What had gotten into her, anyway? Normally she was good for a round or two, but this was ridiculous. What had changed? It had to have been something mundane, that he wouldn't ordinarily have noticed.

Slowly, his eyes drifted over to the coffee mug sitting on the other side of her desk, which had long since been completely drained. Groaning, Jaune brought a hand up to rub at his face.

"Oh, fuck me..."

"Is that an invitation?" Ozpina asked, immediately perking up.

"No, it's a figure of speech. How much coffee did you drink, anyway?"

"That depends on how much was in the pot."

"...You drank the whole pot?"

"In my defense, I told you I had a sweet tooth, and it was worth it not to feel like the walking dead early in the morning for once."

Well, that was both bad news and good news. Bad news because in addition to containing far more caffeine than her MILF heart could likely handle for long, coffee was also a hell of a diuretic, so at some point things were going to get messy. Good news in that by his estimation, the crash would be coming right about…

Suddenly, Ozpina let out a wide yawn. "Jaune…? Why do I suddenly feel like I'm dying?"

"The caffeine is wearing off," Jaune reported. "Well, either that or all that sugar has finally caught up with you. Should I call a doctor?"

"No, I think I'll be fine, I just… carry me to my room, would you?"

She didn't even wait for him to say yes before collapsing into his arms, fast asleep. That was a problem because they were both very naked, and her room was a long ways away. That probably doesn't seem like a big deal to you, but his reputation was at stake here – he couldn't afford to let anyone know what was going on between him and the headmistress.

Well, anyone besides Glynda, that is. It was kind of weird, how her and Ozpina had this two-way blackmail thing going – Glynda couldn't hold their relationship over Ozpina's head because Ozpina paid her salary, and Ozpina couldn't leverage the fact that she paid Glynda's salary to get her to do whatever she wanted. It was this super-weird version of a Vacuan standoff, where nobody won or lost so long as neither of them made a move, but where they were both guaranteed to lose if either of them tried anything.

Basically, it was like General Ironwood whenever he tried to plan an operation.

...Okay, maybe not that bad.

Sighing, Jaune gently placed the sleeping headmistress on the ground before starting to gather up her clothes and dress both her and himself. It was tedious and kind of annoying, having to do this, but it was better than the alternative, which was having the whole school find out about them; the last thing he needed was for the fact that he was in a relationship with her to get around.

Speaking of that, what even was their relationship? They weren't boyfriend and girlfriend, that was for sure. At the same time, it didn't feel right to call them friends with benefits; not that they weren't friends and that there weren't any benefits, but it just didn't seem like the right term to use for a woman who was more than old enough to be his mother.

_Fuck it, we'll just call it a degenerate forbidden student-teacher relationship. Not like anyone is going to find out, anyway._

That wasn't very satisfying of an answer, but on the bright side, it at least left his relationship better defined than whatever the fuck Ren and Nora had going on, which at this point was just confusing and sad more than anything. Talk about a frankly ridiculous amount of sexual tension. Jaune hadn't seen willful ignorance that bad since Cardin first opened his mouth in Oobleck's class, and that moron had flat-out been openly racist enough to instantly earn a detention for it.

Anyway, that wasn't the point right now. The point was that he had a caffeine'd-out Ozpina to carry back to her room, as well as some excuses to think up along the way, because the odds of him actually managing to pull this off without getting spotted were about as good as the odds of Coco suddenly deciding that she wanted to ask him out, which is to say non-existent.

Picking up his not-quite-friend-with-benefits, Jaune began the arduous task of carrying her back to her room.

_If I somehow manage to get through this without someone finding out, I'm gonna immediately go into town and buy a lottery ticket._

* * *

As it turned out, he had indeed managed to get through putting Ozpina to bed without getting caught. He had also stayed true to his word and bought a lottery ticket, but unfortunately lightning apparently only struck once these days, unless you were Nora. Then again, she had a habit of wearing highly conductive clothing and standing out in the middle of thunderstorms, so the rules didn't really apply to her.

Anyway, Jaune was currently sitting in class, bored out of his skull. It took him a moment to remember exactly which class it was, because aside from Goodwitch's class, they were all like this. You'd think that Ozpina would be able to find some better teachers to train humanity's finest, but apparently not. Why else would she keep people like Port and Oobleck around?

Thankfully, he was saved by the intercom coming to life.

"_Would Jaune Arc please report to the headmistress' office? Repeat: Jaune Arc to the headmistress' office."  
_

His friends all looked at him in surprise as he rose from his seat.

"Geez, you're real popular with the headmistress these days," Yang observed.

"What'd you do this time?" Ruby asked.

"I have no idea," Jaune replied.

"Well, you clearly did something," Weiss stated, glaring at him. "I find it hard to believe that she'd call you up in the middle of class just because she wanted to play chess with you."

Oh, if only she knew the truth, which was a lot dumber. Sexier, but dumber. Still, he couldn't argue with the benefits of it all.

"Anyway, I'm off," Jaune announced. He didn't bother waiting for them to respond before taking off.

The trip to Ozpina's office was the same as always, which meant it was as dull as ever, aside from Goodwitch chasing after that midget from Haven in a futile attempt at trying to get her to actually go to class for once. But that wasn't important right now, so Jaune ignored it.

Making his way to the top of Beacon's tower, Jaune was surprised to find that Ozpina wasn't siting behind her desk and looking mysterious like usual. Rather, she was pacing back and forth, looking very nervous.

"Uh, Ozpina?" Jaune announced.

Instantly, she glanced over to him, surprised. That gave way to relief very quickly, though. "Jaune," she said. "Good of you to come."

"Any time. What did you need me for? The usual, I take it?"

Surprisingly, she shook her head. "No… no, unfortunately it's a lot less pleasurable than that, at least for now."

That got his attention. What could possibly have her so worked up like this?

"Well, clearly there's a story there," Jaune observed.

"Indeed, there is," Ozpina replied. "It's a very long story, and not much time to tell it, I'm afraid. But given that you're now involved, I have no choice but to bring you into the fold."

"Uh, okay. So, what's so important?"

Ozpina bit her lip, seeming to weight her options. Finally, she shook her head, having made her decision.

"Tell me, Jaune – what's your favorite fairy tale?"

"...Wow, that's a tough question," he said, perplexed. "Honestly, I've never watched very much of it. That Erza girl is pretty hot, but then that blonde guy does sound a lot like Sun..."

"Not what I meant. What's your favorite fairy tale, as in the story?"

"Oh. Um, I'm not really familiar with many. You'd have to ask someone like Ruby-"

"You know what? I'm just going to start explaining, I think that will be enough," Ozpina said. "Anyway, here's a story called The Girl in the Tower…"

What followed was the single most ridiculous thing Jaune had ever heard in his entire life, and he had lived through hearing Nora try to do algebra. In no way did it make sense or even maintain internal consistency with the rest of what he knew about the world. The whole thing seemed to come out of nowhere, as if someone had pulled it out of their ass last-second to cover up the rest of Remnant's poorly-explained history. It raised so many different questions, yet provided answers to none of them. But there was one question that reigned above all others.

"So you're bisexual, then?"

Ozpina simply stared at him, unamused. Jaune stared back. Finally, she sighed. "...Yes, I am. Salem was my wife."

"I see. Another question, if you will."

"Shoot, I guess. It can't be worse than the last one."

"You're bisexual, you're surrounded by a school full of ultra-hot young women, yet you went for me?"

"Well, sometimes a girl just needs a nice dick in her life. Also, throughout all my lives, I've gotten to know the Arc family very extensively."

Bells began to ring throughout his head, and he instantly paled. Memories of pictures he had seen of the only silver-haired woman in Arc family history, one who was wise beyond her years, came to mind. "...Great aunt Olivia?"

"Correct, though most remember me as the Queen of Vale."

Jaune instantly felt sick to his stomach. Thankfully, she pushed a trash can over to him just in time.

"If it makes you feel better, we're so far removed on the family tree that there is almost zero blood relation between us," she informed him. "You're essentially my sixth nephew seven times removed."

That didn't make any sense, nor did it make him feel much better.

"Jaune, I know this is probably weird, but I've been around for so long that I am quite literally related to almost everybody on Remnant," Ozpina stated.

Jaune stared at her in shock. "How… exactly how many children have you given birth to over the years…?"

"Trust me, you don't want to know. And let's just leave it at that. Anyway, do you feel better?"

Admittedly, it did feel a little better, knowing that Ozpina was related to basically everyone and that he wasn't actually some kind of super-degenerate. Weird too, but still.

"Right..." Jaune stated, pushing the trash can away. "I'm just glad to have that out of my system."

"Excellent. Then we can get to the real reason why you're here."

"It wasn't just to let me know the truth about everything that's going on in the world, including how hopelessly boned we all are if Salem ever decides to take us seriously for even a bit?"

"No, but thank you for putting that into perspective, I definitely needed that bit of existential horror with my morning coffee. I'll definitely have to do a bit more planning after today. But anyway, that's not really why I called you here. No, I called you here for a much more important reason."

Jaune raised an eyebrow. Ozpina took a breath, blushing. "...Now, I know that we're an item, and I know I should have let you know about this beforehand, but I honestly forgot; time has a way of passing by when you're an immortal."

He had to bite his tongue to keep from informing her that she literally lived in a giant clock. "Okay, what's this about? Is there something going on?"

"In a way. You see, many years ago, Salem and I came to an… _agreement, _you might say."

"Agreement?"

"That's a very polite way of putting it, but yes. You see, it's difficult for an immortal to make their way throughout Remnant. Sometimes, you just need a little clean release with someone who truly understands you."

Well, that told him more than he ever wanted to know. "Wait, so you're telling me that you still meet up with Salem – who by this point is a crazy, immortal, Grimm-human thing who hates humanity and wants to see us all exterminated – and you two bang?"

"...That's a crude way of putting it, but yes."

"Just wanted to make sure I had everything right. Why tell me this now, by the way?"

"Simple: today's the day we scheduled to meet up. Hence my haste in calling you here."

Well, that was convenient. "So, I trust there's a reason why I'm here. Where exactly do I fit in with all of this?"

Ozpina opened her mouth to respond, but didn't get a chance to before a portal opened in the center of the room. It was a deep black, rippling with bolts of red light. Jaune watched, speechless, as the portal seemed to expand outward before collapsing in on itself. Where it once stood, there was now a woman, but unlike any other woman Jaune had ever seen. She had bone-white skin, marred with purple veins, and eyes of an incredibly deep red-and-black.

If he was being honest, she was about as terrifying as she was hot.

This could only be Salem, then. Not like there were any other Grimm-people wandering around he had to know about, especially not one that was plotting to destroy the school, not at all.

Salem's gaze immediately settled onto Ozpina, her eyes narrowing. "Ozpina."

"Salem," the headmistress said. Both of their tones were completely neutral, though there was an underlying sense of malice that passed between them nonetheless.

"Shall we begin, then?"

"In a bit. For now, I'd like you to meet Jaune Arc."

Ozpina gestured over to him, causing Salem to look his way. Immediately, Jaune shrank in on himself, unsure of how to respond to being appraised by someone like her. Part of him honestly expected that she would just rip out his heart and show it to him or something, possibly while chanting some weird-sounding bullshit.

God, _Temple of Doom _was a fucking shit movie.

Thankfully, she didn't do anything, instead simply turning back to Ozpina.

"He's along for the ride, then?"

"He is," Ozina confirmed.

Wait, what the fuck? Was this actually happening?

"H-hold on!" Jaune managed to stammer out. "I didn't sign up for this!"

Ozpina and Salem exchanged a glance with each other. "Jaune, I get that this is sudden, but come on," Ozpina deadpanned.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You literally have the chance to have sex with two smoking hot older women right now, both of whom have centuries of experience. We know all the ways to treat you just right. Would you really deny yourself this opportunity?"

Well, when she put it that way, it suddenly got a lot harder to resist. But Papa Arc had always warned him against thinking with his cock first, so he had to be smart about this.

"Okay, I need to be sure about this," he stated emphatically. "This is just going to be a one-time thing, right?"

"Unless you wish for something more," Salem stated, absentmindedly checking her nails. "We do this every year. Even immortals need a break from time to time, and who better to share it with than another immortal, especially one who knows your deepest desires from your time together?"

"That's still fucking weird to me, but you know what, that's far from the weirdest thing I've heard today. Just the fact that you even exist is throwing me for a loop, no offense."

"None taken."

"Anyway," Ozpina cut in. "Now that introductions are out of the way, we can get down to business."

If that was what they were going to call it. Jaune wouldn't complain either way. Part of him was tempted to since he would basically be sleeping with his great aunt and also a Grimm lady, but honestly, this whole situation had become so fucked up that it had actually looped around to becoming arousing again. It was like a shameful fap: you know you shouldn't be doing it, but you're honestly too horny to care, and have decided to push feeling the shame until after you're done.

In any case, he was far past the point of no return by this point. Good thing he was wearing two belts, or else his pants might have actually had trouble staying on. And to think that Coco liked to make fun of his fashion choices.

"Okay," Jaune stated. "Let's do this. I trust there will be no competition here?"

"Jaune," Ozpina began, "Salem and I have done this many, many times. I think we've gotten all the competition out of our systems."

Well, that was reassuring. When she put it like that, it almost seemed like nothing could go wrong. Of course, he was wise enough to these things that he knew that somehow fucking everything would end up going wrong, but again, he was too horny to care at this point.

Nodding, Jaune looked back over to the two of them. "Okay, let's do it."

As it turned out, that was all he needed to say before his pants were around his ankles, and he found himself in the weirdest threesome Remnant had ever seen.

* * *

As it turned out, Jaune had been right on the money when he had figured that everything would go wrong. He'd had no idea of just _how _wrong, but as it turned out, they ended up going a lot more wrong than he thought.

A shame that it took him up to the point where Ozpina was having him shove chess pieces up her ass for him to realize that.

And only now, as he was watching an immortal ancestor of his get into a naked mud wrestling match with the immortal queen of Grimm, did he realize that maybe this wasn't the good idea he thought it was. Not that that would stop him, of course; again, shame had left the building long ago, and wouldn't be coming back until he got his rocks off at least a few more times.

He just wished that they had kept some of their freakier shit to themselves. Turns out that when you're an immortal who's been exposed to every manner of degeneracy known to the world, you start to acquire some very peculiar tastes. Thankfully they seemed to get that he still had a sense of modesty about these things, so they had saved the really hard BDSM for each other, and simply let him take a break during all of that instead.

Good thing, too – that thing they did with the cactus looked painful. Thankfully Salem could regenerate, otherwise there might have actually been some lasting damage there.

Speaking of Salem, Jaune was certainly learning quite a lot about anatomy, thanks to her immortality. Turns out that her tastes tended towards the more extreme side of BDSM, as befitting her reputation as the queen of all evil. You ever see _Hellraiser? _

Anyway, what was really important was that Ozpina and Salem were into some really fucked-up shit, and he wanted no part of that. Also, apparently Salem being able to regenerate meant she was technically still a virgin, if you catch his drift, but that was neither here nor there.

Eventually, it was all over, and Jaune found himself being sent back to Beacon tower alongside Ozpina.

"Good of you both to come," Salem said as she dropped them off. "Ozpina, I look forward to trying to kill you again starting tomorrow, you self-righteous bitch."

"And I look forward to stopping your plans yet again, you psychotic witch."

"Whore."

"Dirty slut."

The two went back-and-forth, all while Jaune tuned it out. He still wasn't sure if this counted as pillow talk or not, considering they were saying the same things to each other back when Ozpina was bending Salem's legs behind her head and making her go all ahegao, or if they were actually back to hating each other instead of hate-fucking each other. Either way, it didn't concern him; he'd had his fun, and now he just wanted to go to bed and sleep for like a week. Seriously, the last time Ozpina had made him this tired had been when she had flung him off a cliff at the start of the school year.

And funnily enough, he was probably about as likely to die from that as he was from getting into a threesome with these two. Seriously, _so much _disturbing stuff...

Eventually, Salem and Ozpina broke apart (after sharing one last tongue kiss) and Salem went to her own little slice of hell she called a home, leaving just him and the headmistress. Jaune stared at the headmistress, uncertain about what to say before finally deciding to just go with stream-of-consciousness, because it wasn't like he could make things weirder than they already were.

"Well, that got really out of hand."

"Yes, my meetings with Salem tend to," Ozpina replied. She took a step forward, her face suddenly scrunching up. "Hold that thought."

Then she reached up under her skirt and came back out with a chess piece – the white queen, of course – eyeing it before shrugging and letting it fall on the ground. Jaune stared at it stone-faced, but was quick to make a note of it.

_Note to self: make sure that she has a new chess set the next time you play a game with her, because ew._

"Anyway," Ozpina announced, "I trust that now you want nothing more than to go back to your room, considering how late it is?"

"Yes, but first I have to think of a compelling excuse."

"To be frank, I've found that honesty is the best policy. Tell them you were busy having depraved sex with the insane queen of Grimm."

"Does that actually work?"

"Yes, because nobody sane would ever believe you, they'll just think you're lying and leave it at that."

Huh. He had to admit, he could see the logic. It was logic that had been turned into so many knots that it was probably starting to resemble Salem's rectal cavity before it got a chance to regenerate, but logic was still logic, no matter how deformed.

"Anyway," Jaune began, "I'm just glad that I was able to make it through today, and nothing weird hap-"

He was cut off by Ozpina suddenly breaking into a large coughing fit. She suddenly doubled over, sounding as if she was hacking up a lung. Jaune was helpless to do anything as she was suddenly wracked by illness.

The coughs lasted for awhile before finally dying down, and only then did Jaune deign to say something.

"...Hospital, then?"

"That… would probably be wise…" Ozpina gasped out.

And that was as far as she got before she collapsed, and Jaune sent out a call for emergency services.

* * *

"Trust Salem to have one last trick up her sleeve..." Ozpina muttered from her spot in the hospital bed. "Should have known that she'd take advantage of our arrangement to off me someday... Figures she'd eventually develop a taste for snuff..."

Currently, it was just the two of them in her hospital room. Everyone else had already come and gone, but she had requested that he stay so they could have a one-on-one talk.

"I just don't get it," Jaune said.

"I know. You… think you know someone..."

No, he was actually trying to point out that he didn't get how Salem managed to only poison Ozpina given that all of them had been partaking in the same degeneracy. Then again, maybe it had happened around the time he had ducked out. He wasn't sure; he had kind of stopped paying attention to what they were doing around the time Ozpina started busting out the branding iron, so he had no way of knowing for sure. All he knew was that he hadn't been poisoned, but Ozpina had been.

It was tragic, but then again it was probably to be expected. At some point, someone was going to die during one of her and Salem's sessions, and there was no guarantee that it would only be Salem.

"Jaune..." Ozpina said. "You… you remember how it works, don't you?"

"The soul transfer?" She nodded. "Yes, yes I do."

"And… we're still good, right?"

Well, that was a surprise. He had expected her to want to find someone new to jump onto rather than stay with him. He wasn't going to complain, though. "Of course, Ozpina."

"I'll… call you..."

And just like that, she took her last breath. The ECG began to flatline, and doctors rushed in to try and save her, but Jaune knew that was it. His hot headmistress was gone.

...For about five minutes.

So he stepped out into the hallway and pulled out his scroll, waiting anxiously for her call. Of course, he knew that she had no way of controlling who she ended up in, but whoever they were, he knew it would be okay – Ozpina had a great personality and she treated him right, so there was practically zero chance of this being a deal-breaker.

And just like that, his scroll began to ring. Curiously, it wasn't actually a random number – in fact, it was someone he already knew quite well. Frowning, Jaune took the call.

"Hello, Mother."

To his surprise, something about Mama Arc looked different. She had a weird look in her eye, as if she was wise beyond her years all of a sudden, and-

That was all it took for him to get it. Instantly, his expression fell. Willing himself to look back at the screen, he noticed his 'mother' looking at him with a very embarrassed expression on her face, one that clearly indicated that she now knew far more about her only son than she had ever wanted to. She cleared her throat, and then began to speak in a voice that told him his worst fears had been realized.

"Well," she said, her voice coming out slightly different than he had heard all his life, "this is certainly very awkward."

That was the last thing that Jaune heard before he blacked out.

* * *

**My quest to mess with the Arc family continues.**

**Anyway, I have mixed feelings about this chapter. I didn't really know how to mess with Ozpin's name, so I took a page out of Mallobaude's book and just went with the name he used for R63 Ozpin, because it was honestly better than whatever I could come up with. If you're going to credit anyone for it, credit him, not me. You can also credit him for the setup I did here in the form of strip chess, which is absolutely something he did first, and I decided to implement because it fits R63 Ozpin so damn well. **

**Anyway, I really tried my best to not just blatantly rip-off Mallo for the entire chapter, because he already did this crack pairing so well and I didn't want to just copy him. That meant less time spent messing with Ozpin's inner circle and more time spent with Salem herself. So if you're wondering why Glynda didn't get an appearance here, that's why – I initially tried to involve her and the rest of the circle in some way, but it ended up being so similar to what Mallo did that it felt like I was blatantly stealing from him, so I scrapped it. If you want that, go read his fic instead (which you should do anyway because it's really good). He goes more in-depth on the strip chess thing than I did here and actually treats it seriously instead of a big joke, and it ended up being fantastic. Definitely recommended.**

**Anyway, this isn't one of my favorite chapters. The setup basically isn't mine and the stuff with the coffee was meh, but I wasn't sure what else to do for Ozpin. I did have fun with everything else, though – the stuff with Salem and then Ozpina reincarnating into Mama Arc. That was fun to write. Honestly though, Ozpin is just a hard character to work with. I could have gone into stuff with Oscar (speaking of, anyone have a good name for R63 Oscar? I'm at a loss) but I'd rather save that for its own individual chapter, so that leaves me with very little to work with overall. It's in that weird spot where I don't have much to work with, but it's just enough that I can't use my headcanon to just go nuts with it. **

**All that aside, I can say that the next chapter is going to be a fun one. It didn't start out that way, but it certainly ended up like that. **

**Next update: Saturday, September 19.**


	23. We All Cream for Ice Cream

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Neo, or: We All Cream for Ice Cream

* * *

"Jaune, stay back! We'll handle this!"

Jaune didn't even get a chance to argue before Yang pushed him aside, rushing into the fray. The others paid him little mind as they ran in after her, weapons at the ready. He blinked, then turned to his team.

"Alright, let's-"

But that was as far as he got before Nora took off with a cry of 'Nora smash!' with Ren following not far behind. Dismayed, he turned to Pyrrha, only to find her looking very bashful.

"Sorry, Jaune," she began. To her credit, she did sound genuinely apologetic, but then again she had apologies down to an art form. "It's not that we don't think you can fight, it's just… well, they're terrorists, and they'll be trying to kill you, so..."

As if on cue, a large explosion ripped through the docks, which he could tell was Nora's doing not just because of its size, but also because it was followed immediately thereafter by her joyous laughter. Turning back to Pyrrha, he nodded, doing his best not to let his disappointment show.

"No, I get it. You're right – I'm just not ready for this sort of thing yet, I suppose. No hard feelings."

That seemed to make her perk up. "You mean it?"

Again, he nodded, this time adding a small grin. "Of course. I know you're all just worried about me. I get it. Now, I think you should probably head down there before Nora breaks someone's leg." A loud snap filled the air, followed by someone screaming 'My leg!' "Before Nora breaks anyone else's leg," Jaune quickly amended.

Pyrrha took that as her cue, readying her weapon and giving him a small grin before jumping off the rooftop and landing down in the center of the chaos. The fight immediately picked up as she began to tear through the White Fang's resistance. None of them stood a chance against her, let alone the other six fighters. It should have made him happy to see that his friends were safe, but truthfully, it made him feel a bit empty.

They were right, of course – this was beyond his current skill level. If he went in, he'd just be a liability. Sighing, Jaune sheathed his sword and began to walk away, only for a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

"Friend-Jaune, where are you going?" Penny inquired.

"Somewhere else," he replied. "It's probably not safe for me to be here."

That wasn't entirely true. He expected that his friends would keep him safe… but honestly, he just couldn't bear to see them in action at the moment, as it was nothing but a stark reminder of just how poorly he stacked up. He really needed some fresh air, and standing on top of a building next to the harbor was not doing it for him.

Seriously, it smelled like Blake's breath up here.

Penny seemed concerned, though – too concerned to just let him go.

"Friend-Jaune, I think you should remain here," she implored. "The others would not appreciate it if you left."

Alright, this called for drastic measures. He liked Penny – how could you not? – but right now, he really wanted to be alone, and she wasn't helping. So it was time for Plan B.

"Hey Penny, could you answer a question for me?" he asked.

She perked up at that. "Anything, friend-Jaune! What is your question?"

"What doth life?"

"Sure! One moment, please. Processing… processing… processing… proc-essing… pr-oc-essing… proc..."

She trailed off after that, her smile fading and her eyes turning vacant.

"Depth overload," she proclaimed in a dull monotone, much to Jaune's confusion. "Depth overload. Depth overload. Depth overload."

Jaune stared at her, perplexed. Truthfully, he had just intended to throw her for a loop – she was weird enough that he figured she'd ruminate on this question for at least long enough for him to make his escape – but for some reason, she was acting like a computer that had just had a catastrophic error.

"Uh, Penny?" Jaune ventured. "You okay?"

"Depth overload," she repeated. "Depth overload. Depth overload. Depth overload."

Jaune blinked once more. Slowly, he pulled Penny's hand off his shoulder, trying his best not to react too harshly when her arm stayed extended in the air rather than lower to her side.

"Ah, right," he said carefully. "I'm just gonna… go take a walk, I guess. Call me if you need me."

"Depth overload. Depth overload. Depth-"

He didn't stick around to hear what else she had to say, probably because he knew it would be the same answer repeated.

_Definitely something weird about that girl. Not sure what, though, _he mused as he descended the stairs.

* * *

The streets of Vale were so crowded that one could have been forgiven for not knowing that there was currently a massive battle going on at the docks. Jaune had heard stories about how apathetic urbanites could be to anything strange – there was a reason why the city of Vale's unofficial motto was 'keep Vale weird' – but this was ridiculous. He was only like five minutes away from the docks, hell he could _still _hear the gunshots going off! Yet these people didn't seem to care one single bit.

_Man, I hate the city, _Jaune mused to himself as he watched a pedestrian nearly get side-swiped by a speeding car. _It smells like ass, the people are weird, it's full of trash, and I can't tell if these homeless guys are the good homeless guys who are just panhandling to afford some meth or if they're the bad homeless guys who will get shot for trying to rob a Dust shop._

Still, he continued to walk on, not really having a destination in mind. The smart thing to do would be to go back to the airport and hitch a ride back to Beacon, but he wasn't ready to face Goodwitch's wrath just yet, so that wasn't about to happen. With nothing left to do, he allowed himself to just wander aimlessly, trying his hardest to stave off his depression.

Now, Jaune wasn't exactly an experienced citygoer, otherwise he would have known not to go down the alleys. As anyone who has spent time in a city can tell you, nothing good happens in alleys, unless you consider getting mugged, getting propositioned by STD-ridden hookers, or getting addicted to crack 'good'. But Jaune didn't know any of that, which is why he was surprised when, upon turning into an alley and finding himself at a dead end, a shadow fell over him.

He turned around, and was immediately struck by what he saw. It was a girl, and a very small girl at that – one might be tempted to call her pint-sized, which made sense given that she looked like ice cream.

Bad puns aside, she was leering at him with a very smug grin, and hoisting what appeared to be an umbrella over her shoulder. She took a few steps forwards, her high heels clicking against the ground. Jaune could only raise an eyebrow as she came closer, her eyes seeming to glint in the moonlight with an emotion he couldn't place.

"Can I help you?" he ventured.

She instantly paused, stopping a few feet away from him with a wide grin on her face. She shook her head at his question, which made him frown.

"There's no need to be shy, you know. I know you followed me for a reason."

That earned him a tilt of her head, as if she was confused.

"It'll be fine," he reassured, giving her what he hoped was a comforting grin. He was pretty sure he knew why she had followed him, mainly because there was a very short list of reasons why a young girl would follow someone like him in the first place.

"We can find your mommy together, little girl."

Whatever confidence she had seemed to shatter instantly, replaced with bewilderment and a hint of rage. She looked behind her, only to turn back around with an angry look on her face. Unfortunately for her, Jaune had already started walking towards her, gently taking her by the hand.

"It'll be alright," he assured her as she froze in his grasp, seemingly stunned and flustered that they were holding hands. "We can find her together. Do you remember where you last saw her?"

Still, she said nothing. Jaune frowned. "Tongue-tied, huh? Well, that's okay – we can go look for her together. Say, do you like ice cream?"

That earned him a reaction, in the form of a brief flash of joy crossing her face before it was replaced with more malice, though it evaporated instantly when he opened his mouth again.

"Tell you what – I'll buy you some ice cream at that nearby ice cream stand, and we can wait for your mommy together. That sound good?"

Again, she didn't say anything, but she didn't need to – the look on her face was more than enough to tell him that the concept of free ice cream had more than placated her.

With that, she instantly did an about-face, just about dragging him out of the alley and over to the ice cream stand. Jaune barely had time to register what was happening before she pointed out the deluxe sundae – of course, the most expensive item on the stand's menu. Seeing the price, he blanched.

_What fresh hell have I just gotten myself into?_

* * *

As it turned out, his fresh hell turned out to be a lot less hellish than he had expected. Sure, it had been hell on his wallet, but that was about as bad as it got. Because as it turned out, he had been wrong about a few different things.

Number one, and arguably the second most important: she wasn't actually a young kid, she was just short. Very, very short. Like, fucking _tiny. _It was actually really cute, not that he would tell her that.

Number two, less important but still important: whatever her intentions with him were when she had first followed him down that alley, they were now changed. Normally that might have been cause for concern, but not in this case.

Number three, and the most important: It turned out that the way to a woman's heart wasn't actually through her ribcage (like Saphron had taught him) or through her uterus (like his mother had taught him). Rather, it was through her stomach, if the very satisfied look Neo was giving him was any indication.

Which was fantastic, because she had just about eaten him out of house and home. That ice cream guy had closed up shop early.

Still, the point was, the girl had now had her craving for sweets satisfied. And apparently, that was all it took to get on her good side.

"_Thanks for the snack, Jaune," _she typed on her scroll.

Jaune cocked an eyebrow at that, but didn't say anything. If eating seven extra-large deluxe sundaes was her idea of a snack, he hated to see what she considered a meal. Her metabolism must have been insane.

"_Say," _she said, typing on her scroll again. "_What are you doing right now?"  
_

He rubbed the back of his head. "Well, I was going to head back to Beacon, I guess. Got nothing better to do."

Left unsaid was that he couldn't _afford _anything better to do, as she had eaten him out of his savings account.

_The least you could have done was tell me you weren't actually a lost little girl looking for her mother _before _sundae number five._

Then again, he was the idiot who had bought her two more on top of that. In his defense, it was hard to resist when a cute girl asked you for something. Plus, it was just money – if he really needed more, he could always get a job somewhere.

Neo began to type on her scroll again, getting his attention before showing it to him. "_Man, that was a lot of calories. Good thing I happen to know a good way of burning off calories."_

"You do?" he asked, genuinely curious.

She nodded, giving him a glance from head to toe. "_I do. Consider yourself lucky – when I was told to get you out of the picture, I initially planned to just __deal with you the traditional way__. But now, I've thought of a better way of keeping you occupied."_

"...Why would you need to keep me-"

"_That's not important," _she hurriedly typed. "_What is important is this: are you in, or are out?"  
_

_"_That depends on what I'm agreeing-"

"_Not what I asked. Let's put it this way: do you want a good time, or not?"_

Jaune was confused at first, but then realization dawned when he saw the look she was giving him. Flushing red, he held his hands up.

"Whoa, whoa! I appreciate the offer, but isn't this going a little too fast?"

"_It's just a quick fuck, Jaune."_

"W-well, it's just… I kinda… n-not that I don't think you're pretty, but… shouldn't my first time be, you know, special?"

She gave him a blank look – the kind of blank look someone might give to their drunk friend when he comes back home at three in the morning and immediately rushes over to the bathroom, interrupting the people who were just trying to watch _Sword of the Stranger. _It was a look that told him everything he needed to know about what she thought of him at this very moment.

Now, Jaune was many things, but in this moment, he knew that a man of willpower wasn't one of them.

Sighing, he looked back to her. "...Are you really going to do this just because I bought you like a hundred lien's worth of ice cream?"

She giggled softly. "_No, I'm doing this because I have to keep you busy somehow, and you're the first real nice guy I've met in years. It's either this or stabbing you in the back and leaving you to asphyxiate on your own blood."_

He really hoped that wasn't as literal as the text made it sound. Still, it didn't take a genius to realize which of those two options was better, especially not when he realized that this was the perfect revenge on his friends.

_Fuck you people, you can have fun fighting the White Fang while I have fun sleeping with a cute girl for the first time._

He just hoped this wasn't as sketchy as it seemed, because he'd hate to wake up in a bathtub filled with ice and missing both of his kidneys.

* * *

As it turned out, kidney removal was not on Neo's list of fetishes. No, she was actually as vanilla as that one bit of her hair. Yes, _that _bit. Not that you expected anything different – only an idiot would think the carpet wouldn't match the drapes in this case.

Anyway, the point was, the night was actually pretty enjoyable. Jaune got his rocks off, Neo had a good time too, and they went their separate ways, having agreed that it would just be a one-time thing. At least, that was the plan.

Which was why he was confused as to why Neo was currently sitting in his lip in Beacon's cafeteria, taking bites out of his waffle while all his friends stared at her in a mixture of confusion (in the case of Ren, Blake, and Ruby), amusement (in the case of Nora and Yang), and dismay (in the case of Pyrrha).

"So," Yang began, a wide smirk on her face. "Got something you want to share with the rest of us, Jaune?"

"Apparently," he replied. He looked over to Neo, who gave him a smug glance back. "I was under the impression that this was going to be a one-night thing. Not that I'm complaining, mind you – I just want to know what made you change your mind."

She shrugged. "_You're a nice guy and a good lay. Do I need another reason to get attached? Besides, you said you weren't complaining."_

All true, he had to admit. "So, what does this make us?"

"_It'll make us boyfriend and girlfriend as soon as you take me out tonight. Vytalian, down near the __business district__ – their veal is to die for."_

"Gelato too, I imagine."

"_Oh, you know me so well already! I'll cut you a deal – you buy dessert, and I'll buy dinner."_

"Sounds good."

He just hoped she only ordered one round of dessert, because he was already having to comfort his wallet like it was a woman in labor, while listening to his bank account's screams for mercy.

On the other side of the table, Pyrrha seemed to be in disbelief. "Wha- just like that? All it took was someone being direct with you?!"

Jaune looked over to her, confused. "Something wrong?"

She grit her teeth before standing up. "Nothing, nothing. Excuse me, I have to go burn off some energy."

"But we have class in five-"

"_Burning off some energy!"_

With that, she stormed off, clearly very angry about something. Jaune wasn't sure what, but he knew he'd have to make it up to her somehow. The rest of his friends were staring at him like they couldn't believe what they had just witnessed, which only made him even more confused.

"Something wrong?" he asked.

"No offense, but you're as dense as a hammer," Nora replied. "And trust me, I know how dense hammers can get."

"_Careful, sister," _Neo warned. "_That's my man you're talking about. I may not have a hammer, but that won't stop me from pounding you into the wall like you're a nail."_

"Well, she's certainly a feisty one," Weiss commented.

"_Whatever you say, Princess A-Cup."_

Weiss sputtered, then shot Neo a glare. "Why you little…! I should-"

"Weiiiiis!" Ruby whined. "Don't make fun of people for being small!"

"I wasn't making fun of her for being small!"

"You called her little! That's mean!"

"She is little! What next, am I not allowed to call Yang blonde?"

"She's not little, she's height-challenged, just like you, me, and Nora. We all just need to drink more milk."

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever-"

"_Hang on a minute," _Neo typed, eyes narrowing as she glanced over at Ruby. "_Silver eyes, red hood, black hair with red tips, annoyingly screechy voice..."_

"Hey!" Ruby protested.

"_Yes, I know exactly who you are. I think we'll be getting a bit more acquainted with each other very soon."_

"Hang on," Yang ventured, "are you coming onto my baby sister? Right in front of your new boyfriend, no less?"

Neo flashed her a wide grin. _"That depends on what your definition of the word 'acquainted' is."  
_

"That does it! You're gonna get hit, midget!"

Yang lunged for her, only for Ren and Blake to hold her back. She flailed in their grasp, but it was no use – Blake had already used her ribbons to tie her up, and Ren was applying his semblance to her to keep her from setting the table on fire.

"Well," Jaune announced, seeing that things were getting out of control, "I think we should go."

"Yes, that'd probably be for the best," Blake commented.

"Right. Come on, Neo."

_"In a moment, I haven't gotten to the other-"  
_

He didn't give her a chance to finish typing, instead picking her up and slinging her over his shoulder. She seemed surprised at first, only for it to quickly give way to embarrassment as he carried her out of the cafeteria and into the hallway before setting her down. She gave him an annoyed look before furiously typing on her scroll.

"_You think you can just carry me like that and get away with it?"  
_

Jaune rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Uh, well-"

_"That was so… wholesome. I love it."  
_

"Y-you do?"

She nodded. _"I've been around the block so many times that at this point, the only thing that gets me going is wholesomeness. __Well, t__hat and trolling people. Today's been a great day so far – really ticking all my boxes early in the morning." _She shuddered. _"I'm actually wet right now."_

Well, that was a bit too much information. "Y-you are?"

_"Yup. Wanna make something of it?"  
_

"I don't know if we should-"

That was as far as he got before she jumped towards him. Out of reflex, he caught her, but that ended up being part of her plan – she simply wrapped her legs around his torso before coming in for a kiss. They stayed glued together like that for a few seconds before she pulled away, then winked at him.

"_What do you say we go for round two right now, stud?"_

Well, it wasn't like she was leaving him much room for argument.

_I just hope Goodwitch won't be pissed that I missed her class, _Jaune thought to himself as Neo dragged him back to his room.

* * *

As it turned out, Goodwitch was pissed, but for once, it wasn't because of him.

That didn't make things any easier for him because it was his girlfriend she was pissed at, but still, it was good to know that he at least wasn't responsible for the stick up her ass this time.

"Look, I'm telling you," Jaune began, "I can't control her. Trolling people is just how she expresses herself."

Goodwitch glared at him from her decisively shorter stature. When Neo had mentioned that she literally got off on trolling people, he hadn't realized that she would be so good at it. In retrospect, that made sense – obviously if you love something you'd try to be good at it. He wouldn't know because just about the only thing he was good at was jerking off and he now had someone else to do that for him, so it didn't count.

Anyway, the point was, Neo had a real talent when it came to trolling. She seemed to know just where to strike at someone to earn her the most laughter. Some of them were obvious – swapping Oobleck's coffee for decaf, for example – while others… well, they were more subtle.

He would never have thought of cutting all the heels off of Glynda's high heels, but that was why Neo was the master at this sort of thing, not him.

And honestly, he had to admit that she had been onto something, because Goodwitch was a lot less intimidating now that she was a few inches shorter. He was tempted to laugh, and the only reason he wasn't was because he was absolutely certain that Goodwitch would reduce him to a red smear on the wall if he did.

Glynda pushed her glasses up. "Well, someone has to keep her under control. I'd figured that since you're her boyfriend-"

"Are you kidding? Just because I'm the one person she doesn't actively troll doesn't mean I can control her. I'm not about to risk drawing her ire, either."

"Why is that? Afraid she'll break up with you?"

"More like I'm afraid that she'll turn me into a test subject for some of her trolling."

That was also why he knew he could never, ever break up with her. Not that he wanted to, mind you, but it was good to keep things in perspective. Recent events had shown that thanks to her semblance, Neo could basically go anywhere and do anything she wanted without getting caught, which meant that if he ever angered her – like, say, by breaking up with her – that she would make him regret it every day of his life if she so desired. So it was a good thing that he wasn't even considering breaking up with her.

This is the part where he goes into detail about why she was so good to him and why he loved her for it, but come on, it's Neo. Do I really have to go into why she's best girl? Every single one of you would jump at this opportunity if you got the chance. I'm not gonna pad my wordcount by typing out shit that everyone already knows.

We'll just leave it at this: Neo was honestly too good for him, and as long as she didn't realize it and was happy, he was going to just roll with it, because this was a good thing he had going on and he wanted it to last.

Glynda sighed. "Regardless, would it be so hard for you to at least get her to focus her efforts on those who deserve it?"

Jaune rubbed his chin in thought. "Now that you mention it, she has been pretty light on Cardin..."

Not that she'd ignored Cardin, mind you – his entire team was still reeling from that time she had used her semblance to project an image of a muscled-up, steely-eyed, ten-foot-tall Velvet coming for them in the middle of the night. But given some of the other things Neo had done to people, they got off lightly. That little prank certainly had nothing on her replacing Yang's shampoo with a bottle of pink hair dye or changing Ruby's scroll name to Mommy_Issues. Or that time where she swapped all of Blake's smut with pamphlets explaining how masturbation was bad for your soul. Or that time where she recorded over all of Weiss' classical music with nothing but grindcore.

He had to give it to her: she certainly knew where to hit people so that it would really hurt.

"Alright, I'll talk to her," Jaune said. "Hey, Neo?"

As if on cue, Neo popped up right next to him, the shattering of glass punctuating her arrival. She was holding a bucket of pink paint, which made him pause.

"...Please tell me you didn't paint Yang's motorcycle pink."

She gave him an innocent smile just as an angry screech tore across campus. Jaune winced, knowing that there was going to be hell to pay later. But that wasn't important right now. Right now, what was important was having a nice heart-to-heart with her.

"You know, you could use your powers for good," he implored. "Go after people who really deserve it."

_"Yeah, but where's the fun in that?" _she asked. _"I like a challenge. Plus, it's nice, messing with people here. Especially when they can't catch me."  
_

That was true. He didn't quite know what Neo's skill level was, because it tended to vary based on numerous different factors. Sometimes she was able to take down even fourth-years and professors, and sometimes she got taken out by some random idiot running at her from down a hallway. It was all very inconsistent. He wasn't sure what to make of it.

But aside from that, everyone knew better than to try, because they wouldn't be able to hold her for very long even if they did catch her. Plus, the retaliation would be immense. Honestly, it defied belief that pretty much everyone had forgotten the cardinal rule of dealing with people like Neo, which is really the only way of dealing with them: just ignore the troll and they'll get bored and go away.

Seriously, about the only one he had actually seen beat Neo in that way was Ozpin, and Jaune was pretty sure that was only because he was old enough to remember the real old-school DustNet trolls. That or the man was just as good of a troll himself, but that would be ridiculous.

"Still," Jaune continued, "I'd appreciate it if you could at least take it easy for a bit. People need a break, you know."

_"...Fine, for you." _She looked over to Goodwitch, a mischievous grin crossing her face. _"But first..."  
_

With the shattering of glass, her form changed again. Now, there were two Glyndas standing there, with one big difference.

Namely, that the one with pink-and-brown eyes was in high heels, and the other one was in no-longer-high heels.

The real Glynda's eyes twitched, a vein popping in her forehead. Jaune's eyes widened.

"Oh, no."

That was as far as he got before all hell broke loose.

* * *

These days, it felt like all Jaune did was report to the headmaster's office for something his girlfriend had done. If he wasn't cleaning up her messes, he was getting berated for them instead. And no matter how much he tried to explain that he had no control over her, Ozpin just didn't seem to get it, and only punished him even harder.

...Well, okay, that wasn't entirely fair. The truth was that Ozpin tried to be lenient, but Goodwitch was a massive fucking bitch, and insisted on always throwing the book at him, since for some reason she apparently couldn't throw it at Neo.

Sure, Neo wasn't actually a student and was therefore mostly immune to whatever Goodwitch might have tried to do to her, but this was getting ridiculous. She almost seemed to have diplomatic immunity given just how much she got away with. It just didn't make sense.

Ozpin peered at the two of them from behind his desk. Jaune swallowed nervously, but Neo didn't react beyond yawning.

Honestly, if she wasn't best girl, he would have broken up with her. But come on, who else could even keep up? It certainly wasn't anyone on Team RWBY – Weiss was a massive bitch, Blake wouldn't shut the fuck up about systemic oppression, Yang would probably break him in half if they ever made it to bed, and he was pretty sure that Ruby was at least slightly autistic, and not in a good way. And then there was his own team – Ren was a man, Pyrrha was a stuttering mess who was too good for a chump like him anyway, and Nora was Nora, which is to say she was also probably at least slightly autistic, but in the fun way rather than the socially hopeless way, but that was still too much for him to handle for long.

"Now then," Ozpin stated evenly. "What brings these two here today, Glynda?"

"It's simple, sir," Glynda replied. "She spiked Zwei's dog food with Lightning Dust. He's been literally bouncing off the walls like a little furry missile for the past half-hour. Miss Belladonna has already booked her flight back to Menagerie for the rest of the semester, and I don't think we'll be able to convince her to come back."

"Ah. How troublesome."

"That's all you have to say? Team RWBY is now down a member. Where are we supposed to find a suitable replacement?"

Ozpin's only response was to turn his gaze towards Neo, who was doing her best to appear innocent by (silently) whistling a tune. Glynda's jaw dropped.

"Ozpin, you can't be serious."

"Oh, I'm very serious. And don't call me Shirley."

"But I didn't-"

"Glynda, is now the time?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't…" She sighed. "Okay, fine. But, my point stands – you can't seriously be recommending that we-"

"On the contrary, Glynda. I think Miss Neo could make a suitable replacement for Miss Belladonna. Meow then, why don't you go and get the paperwork started?"

"...I'm sorry, what was that?"

"I said, why don't you go and get the paperwork started right about meow?"

Glynda looked like she couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Sir, I have to ask, did you just-"

"Did I what?" Ozpin asked, raising an eyebrow. "Is there something wrong with me?"

"No, I just… it almost sounded like you were saying-"

"Saying what?"

"Well, it's just… it's odd how we're discussing the only cat Faunus in school, yet you're over here meowing."

"Meowing?" Ozpin echoed in surprise before shaking his head. "I think you're imagining things, Glynda."

"What? No, I'm not. You were just-"

_"You definitely are," _Neo signed.

Glynda's eyes narrowed. "You stay out of this," she threatened, causing Neo to raise her hands in surrender.

Seeing that, Jaune decided to step in. "No, I think they're right, Miss Goodwitch."

"What? Mister Arc, don't tell me you-"

"No, I didn't hear him meow, either."

"I… see..." Glynda conceded. Frowning, she sighed. "...My apologies, then. I suppose I did have a late night last night."

"It happens to the best of us," Ozpin offered. "Now, why don't you go and get the paperwork started? I'm sure you could use a break from all of us right about meow."

Glynda stared at him, speechless. Then, without saying anything, she turned on her heel and marched to the elevator, the whole time muttering under her breath about how she needed to lay off the late-night wine. Only once the elevator doors had closed did Neo finally let loose, doubling over in silent laughter.

And to Jaune's surprise, the ever-stoic headmaster joined her.

"Okay, I'm obviously missing something here," Jaune said.

"Ah, think nothing of it, Mister Arc," Ozpin said, having managed to bring his laughter under control. "I've simply discovered that your girlfriend is somewhat of a kindred spirit."

_"Turns out that the old man likes trolling people, too," _Neo signed. _"I mean, obviously not to the same extent as me, but he's pretty far up there."  
_

Yes, it clearly wasn't to the same extent, because he could tell from the way that Neo was rubbing her legs together in her chair that messing with Goodwitch had made her _really _horny. Obviously, they would have to take care of that once this stuff with Ozpin was done with, but he wasn't going to complain, because again, best girl.

But first, there was a more pressing matter to deal with.

"Wait, so you mean to tell me that the whole throwing-us-off-a-cliff thing..."

"Was my attempt at humor, yes," Ozpin offered, a small grin crossing his face. "Gets the first-years every time..."

Jaune was speechless for a second. "You think throwing dozens of people off a cliff, possibly to their deaths, is funny?"

"I do. And I'm tired of pretending it's not."

Well, at least he was honest about it. Jaune slumped down in his seat. "Just… wanted to establish that, I guess."

Neo patted him on the arm in consolation, which was good because he wasn't sure if he could deal with the existential crisis of knowing that he almost died so Ozpin could have a quick chuckle at his expense if his cute girlfriend hadn't been there with him.

"So, now what?" Jaune asked, doing his best to try and push those thoughts from his mind. "Are we in trouble?"

Ozpin waved him off. "Well, I _could _assign you some extra detentions. I think that might be kind of funny. Not for you, but it would be for me."

"...Um, can you not?"

"Okay, sure."

"Th-" Jaune paused. "...Just like that? All I had to do was ask?"

"You'd be surprised what merely asking can get you."

"Okay. Can I please have a passing grade in history?"

"I'm a headmaster, not a miracle worker. Even my powers don't go that far."

Once again, Neo patted him in consolation, which was sorely needed.

"Anyway," Ozpin announced, "Let's get down to business. And I don't mean to defeat the Mistralians."

_"Booooo!" _Neo signed.

Ozpin held up a hand. "Hold your applause, please. Anyway, Miss Neopolitan-whose-last-name-I-still-don't-know-"

"_That makes two of us, pal."  
_

"-Do we still have a deal?"

Jaune perked up at that. Deal? What deal? Clearly, there was something going on that he wasn't aware of. The others seemed to notice this, as they both gave him a look – Ozpin's was one of concern, while Neo's was sheepish.

"You haven't told him yet?" Ozpin asked.

"_Uh, no," _Neo replied. _"Right, so here's the abridged version: I used to be a criminal. Like, a really bad criminal. I was the baddest bitch in town, basically."  
_

"How bad are we talking?" Jaune ventured.

"_I was going to kill you that night in the alley until you offered to buy me ice cream."_

"...Oh. Well, um, thanks for not doing that, I guess."

_"Any time, babe. Anyway, then I took an interest in you when you turned out to not be a douchebag, so I followed you to Beacon. And then I found out that here, I was free to pursue my passion to my heart's content. __The students here were just ripe for trolling."  
_

"Okay, pause," Jaune said. "Let me get this straight: you gave up on your life of crime, likely turning your back on everyone involved in that and painting a huge target on your back for the rest of your life… because doing so let you troll people?"

_"Yes."  
_

"...How do I know you both aren't just trolling me with this? Because it kind of sounds like you are."

_"We're not, but I guess you'll just have to trust us on that. Think of it this way: do you really think I'd have kept up our relationship if I hadn't actually left my life of crime behind?"_

That… was a good point, actually. Huh. Well, that left him with just one option.

"Okay, that's bullshit, but it's bullshit I believe," Jaune announced.

"Glad we're on the same page," Ozpin said. He turned to Neo. "Now then, perhaps now would be a good time to let him know why I chose to extend you an olive branch?"

_"If that's what you want to call letting me get away with doing all this shit, then sure."  
_

"Wait, you were letting her get away with everything?" Jaune asked. "Is that why she was never punished, but I was?"

"Sort of. That's why she was never punished, but you were punished because Miss Goodwitch demanded a blood sacrifice after her fifth set of glasses turned up without the nosepieces, and I found that you were the best candidate for her ire. That and I thought it was funny."

Of course he did. Jaune tried not to let his displeasure show, but something told him he was failing miserably at it. "Okay, so what gives? What could be so important that you offered Neo a place to troll with impunity?"

Ozpin's only response was to turn back to Neo, and say two words. "Show him."

Neo motioned for Jaune to look at her, and when he did, she closed her eyes. She kept them closed for several seconds, and when she opened them again, they were different. Gone was her trademark pink-and-brown; in their place was silver.

And Jaune didn't get it at all.

"Okay, so you've got Ruby's eyes," he announced. "That supposed to mean something, or…?"

"Yes, it is," Ozpin said. "Are you familiar with the story of the Silver-Eyed Warriors?"

"No, actually."

"Ah. Then I guess we're done here."

"Wait, what?"

"I mean, I could explain it to you, but that wouldn't be very funny, would it? I mean, sure they're important and it'd be kind of stupid for me not to explain it to the people they matter to, but at the same time I think the look of surprise on everyone's faces will be funny, and also I can't be bothered at the moment. I think it'd be better if I let you figure that out on your own. Wouldn't you agree, Miss Neo?"

_"Oh, for sure," _Neo replied.

That seemed like a really stupid plan to Jaune, but who was he to argue with the headmaster and his girlfriend? Besides, they were probably just trolling him again - the silver eyes most likely didn't mean anything after all. At least, he hoped, because if they actually turned out to be Grimm-melting lasers of death or something and Ozpin was just keeping that info to himself... well, it'd be pretty stupid.

Jaune groaned, bringing one hand up to rub at the bridge of his nose. "You two are going to be the death of me..."

_"__Nah. If I wanted to do that, I would have done it back in the alley. Instead, I got free ice cream."  
_

Jaune actually had no response to that, partially because she was right but mostly because even thinking about the trauma that trip had caused to his bank account was giving him an ulcer, so he chose not to think about it.

"_Anyway, are we done?" _Neo asked. _"Because I'm _really _horny. It's like a leaky faucet down there."  
_

That was a bit too much information for Jaune, but probably not for Ozpin. Hell, he seemed to actually delight in how Jaune was now uncomfortable. After a sly grin in Jaune's direction, he waved them off.

"Yes, we're done. Run along, you two. And Miss Neo? A suggestion – since you'll be rooming with Team RWBY now, why not try out Miss Schnee's bed? Gods know she's in need of being taken down a peg or two."

Neo saluted. _"You've got it, boss."  
_

"Have fun."

Jaune said nothing as he tried to pick his jaw up off the floor. Neo dragged him to the elevator, and the doors had barely closed before she was trying to stick her tongue down his throat, but he was too focused on everything that had just happened to do much other than just go with it.

_What the fuck have I just gotten myself into?  
_

* * *

As it turned out, what he had gotten himself into was the biggest damn Vacuan standoff Remnant had ever seen.

Neo had taken up her usual spot in his lap, a smug look on her face as she glanced back at her new team. They stared back in much the same way one might stare at a wild bear that was approaching them while they were covered in honey, which is to say that they were all absolutely terrified of what she was capable of.

Jaune didn't blame them for it either, both because by now they all had a very good idea of what she was capable of, and also because she was currently giving him a taste of it.

Sure, she may have been using her semblance to make it _seem _like she was actually wearing panties, but he could tell even through his jeans that she really wasn't. And that was its own unique brand of hell.

She totally knew it, too – he was absolutely tenting like a motherfucker right now. But that just made his predicament even worse, because she wouldn't stop teasing him by moving her hips slightly.

Jaune had to bite back a groan as she did exactly that, giving him a smug look out of the corner of her eye. He simply did his best not to react, as he knew by now that dealing with Neo was a lot like dealing with a pack of wolves – show any weakness and she'd pounce.

"So," Pyrrha announced, doing her best to break the awkward tension that settled over the table. "Would anyone care to look over the study guide for Oobleck's class?"

It was cute, how she was actually trying to get them to be productive for once. That had pretty much died the instant Neo had showed up at Beacon, and there was no hope of it ever coming back so long as her team was afraid of her. And truly, they were afraid – Yang had one hand around Ruby's shoulders and was pulling her in protectively, Weiss looked like she was doing her damnedest to prevent herself from saying something that might earn Neo's ire, and Ruby was doing her best not to show her disappointment at the fact that Neo had taken the last chocolate chip pancake that morning.

It was funny how Neo was scarier when she was trolling people than when she was killing people… funny in the cosmic sort of way, that is.

Anyway, the point was, nobody was saying or doing anything out of fear of earning Neo's ire and waking up to find their shampoo replaced with glue or something. Neo, for her part, seemed to be relishing in her newfound control, as she was milking it for all it was worth. And that was just scary – no one person was made to have all that power. He was going to have to put a stop to it.

...Just not right now, because she was still in his lap and would be throughout all of their classes, and the last thing he wanted was for her to start teasing him twice as hard. His dick already felt like it was going to burst through his pants, he didn't need that to actually happen.

On the plus side, tonight was going to be mind-blowing. The only question was if he could even survive long enough to enjoy it; at this point, so much blood was being redirected downstairs that he wasn't sure he'd get through the day without needing a trip to the hospital.

Predictably, Pyrrha's comment went unnoticed, to the point where she actually seemed sad about that. Truly, it was her lot in life to suffer. Still, he had to give it to her – it took a lot of courage to speak up when Neo had already trolled her so hard.

_I didn't think Pyrrha would be into that kind of thing, but I guess it's always the people you least expect._

He wouldn't have taken Pyrrha to be an enormous pervert, but that fan fiction she kept under her mattress proved him wrong. He wasn't sure who the HuntsMan and the Red Huntress were supposed to be, but that was some spicy shit they got up to, he wasn't gonna lie.

_Maybe I ought to try some of that stuff out with Neo later on. It seems like it would be fun.  
_

A thought for another time. In any case, currently everyone was walking on eggshells whenever Neo was around, which was understandable, if boring. Honestly, he just really wanted something interesting to happen, because at the moment, it was sort of like waiting for a huge balloon to pop, or for that NSFW link you just clicked on to open up – you know it's coming, but the anticipating is killing you.

Thankfully, the universe chose that moment to throw him a bone, in the form of half of the cafeteria fucking exploding.

Instantly, everyone was on their feet, weapons drawn. Jaune scarcely had time to question who would be dumb enough to attack a school filled with Huntsmen before he realized that there was only one group on all of Remnant stupid enough to do exactly that.

"It's the White Fang!" Ruby shouted. "Quick, someone hide Blake before she gets triggered!"

"Rubes, Blake is gone," Yang pointed out.

"Oh, yeah… um… what do we do? She was always the one who pushed this conflict forwards, so I'm not really sure what we can do now that she's gone..."

"You idiot, they're attacking the school!" Weiss pointed out.

"Yeah, but that doesn't affect us specifically. How am I supposed to get into a conflict that doesn't affect me specifically, Weiss?"

"Where is she?!" someone shouted as they pushed their way through the throng of White Fang fighters. It turned out to be Adam Taurus, because who else would it be.

"Oh look, it's Blake's crazy ex," Yang said, rolling her eyes. "Come to destroy everything she loves?"

"What? No. Gods, no. Who even cares about the worst girl anymore? Hell, I'm actually glad she's gone, because that means she's not my problem anymore. No, I'm looking for that little midget!"

"Oh. She's over there."

Pyrrha was surprised. "You'd give up your new team member just like that?"

"She told everyone that I wear boxer shorts instead of panties. Do you have any idea how many people I've had to knock out for calling me a tomboy ever since then? I'm not sorry."

Neo simply rolled her eyes, then stood up from her position in Jaune's lap. He breathed a sigh of relief before standing up, praying that he wasn't tenting too much even though he knew he was.

Adam's gaze traveled to Neo. "You," he hissed.

"_Me. Come to exact your revenge, Bullshit?"  
_

"Of course! You think you can just pose as me online and get away with it?!"

_"Yeah."  
_

"Wait, hold on," Weiss said. "You're here because she posed as you online?"

"It's what she did under my name, Schnee! She signed me up for every incel forum and support group on Remnant using my real name! Do you have any idea how hard that's going to be to recover from?! I've had no matches on my dating profile for weeks because of her!"

Jaune actually winced. Okay, that was a low blow even for Neo, even if it was at least somewhat true. He opened his mouth to try and defuse the situation, only for yet another wall to collapse thanks to an explosion. This time, it revealed three other people, each of them looking just as angry as Adam. One of them – the bitch in the red dress – tried to speak, only for Jaune to cut her off.

"Wait, let me guess – you're all here for Neo. She trolled you in some way, and now you want revenge."

"Actually, she betrayed us and left our group behind," the silver-haired boy chimed in. "But yeah, we want revenge."

Well, that was new. Still, the outcome would be the same.

"Okay, then," Jaune said. "Guess we're going to fi-"

That was as far as he got before blinding light erupted from Neo's eyes. Immediately, the bitch in the red dress started to scream as all the flesh on the left side of her body began to melt and slough off. Everyone watched her writhe around on the ground in agony and scream her lungs out for several seconds, all of them stunned into silence. Slowly, they looked over to Neo.

Every single person except Jaune took a step away from her.

Neo, meanwhile, simply grinned smugly before flipping her hair, then looking over to Jaune.

"_Well, that really got me going. Wanna fuck?"  
_

Honestly, he was torn – on the one hand, she had been teasing him since they had woken up, and he could feel the floodgates about to open. On the other hand, he had just watched that girl's flesh melt off like she had just opened the Ark of the Covenant… whatever that was supposed to be. Still, eventually his baser instincts gave in.

Oh, that and he was now utterly terrified of his girlfriend's eye-lasers of death, so he wisely decided to just do whatever she wanted, lest she melt someone else and call it trolling.

He nodded, and that was all she needed before she jumped into his arms and directed him to carry her to their room.

None of them had any way of knowing just what Neo had managed to avert… except for Ozpin, who had watched the whole thing on the security cameras and had damn near laughed himself into a coma.

So, that was the story of how the Fall of Beacon was averted, and how our boy managed to hook up with the best girl. And nothing else bad hap-

"Whoa, whoa, stop," Roman suddenly chimed in. "What, gonna write a Neo chapter and not put me in it, huh? Thought you could just get away with that?"

Bruh, just be happy I didn't have you get vored by a Grimm like in canon.

"Fuck that! The audience demands more Roman. There's been very little of me throughout this shitty fic, and I think they want to see that fixed."

There's still time, you know. I can totally jut have a Grimm come in and eat you like Jaune is eating Neo's pussy right now.

"Yeah, but you won't. So give me that cameo appearance already."

Alright, fine. Here's the obligatory Roman appearance:

It was days after the "Fall" of Beacon, and things had returned to relative normalcy. Jaune was awoken by the chiming of his alarm. Reaching over with a groan, he went to turn it off, only for someone else to beat him to it, which was strange because Neo had kicked everyone else out of the dorm the previous night so they could get their fuck on.

Turning in surprise, Jaune found himself face-to-face with Remnant's most dashing rogue, Roman Torchwick himself. The man was smoking a cigar and glaring at him with the kind of hatred someone could only have for the person dating their whatever-the-fuck-relationship-you-would-use-to-describe-what-Neo-and-Roman-had.

Jaune blinked. "...Uh, can I help y-"

"Lolicon," Roman interrupted.

"...I'm sorry?"

"I'm calling you a lolicon."

"...I don't-"

"Someone has to, because nobody has made the obvious joke yet. So, here I am. Lolicon."

"But Neo is actually-"

"Yes, I know her real age. Doesn't matter because she's small and looks young. Therefore, by the law of idiots on social media, you are a lolicon. Lolicon."

Jaune merely sighed tiredly before turning to Neo, who was awake. He was tempted to ask her to do something about this, but unfortunately she seemed to be delighting in the fact that Roman was trolling him, which made sense considering that she had to have learned it from somewhere. But honestly, this wasn't so bad – certainly better than having Roman try to kill him for dating Neo, or otherwise being overly protective.

"Lolicon."

...But it was gonna get old real fast, he could tell.

_Gods damn it._

At least the relationship was worth it.

* * *

**Oh man, I've been waiting to do Neo for awhile. Truthfully, I had some problems early on, otherwise I would have done her much sooner - I was tempted to do something where it turns out that she's actually not that bad after all, or something along those lines, but it just didn't feel right. I feel like it's a common thing in Neo/Jaune stories to sort of gloss over Neo's past in the name of making the relationship work. I can see why people do that (because Jaune is such a good guy that there's no way he'd fall for a criminal in a serious work unless something drastic pushed them together) but I realized early on that it didn't really fit the tone I wanted (namely, it wasn't nearly insane enough), plus I wanted to keep Neo more in-line with her appearance on the show. So I made her a huge troll who literally gets off on fucking with people.  
**

**Was it the best decision? Not sure. But I'm happy with it, so I can't complain too much.**

**Anyway, early difficulties aside, I had a good time with this. Neo is a really fun character to write, and while I'm not one to have a favorite ship, Silent Knight is a pairing that I've always found interesting. I think there's a lot of potential there from a storytelling perspective. Then again, I have a huge weak spot for Hero/Villain pairings, so maybe it's just an extension of that, combined with Neo being probably my favorite overall character in the show itself. **

**Also, I know someone is going to bring up the lack of Roman in this chapter, but there is a reason for that: I did experiment with having him show up early on, but he kind of dominated the chapter, and I wasn't a huge fan of the way it turned out. It was sort of the same issue as putting Raven in Yang's chapter, if you remember my rationale for not including her there. Plus, anything to do with Roman, I would rather save for his R63 chapter. There was a good balance I needed to have here, because I didn't want to do too much with Roman or use up all my jokes with Neo, since I need to use them both again later on, and didn't want to blow my load early. I decided the best thing to do was hold back on Roman and maybe save one good joke with Neo for later, and otherwise do as much as I could with her. **

**All things considered, this is another chapter that I had a really great time writing. Neo is a really fun character to write, especially when you portray her like the smug asskicker she really is in the show's early seasons. I'm not sure about a sequel chapter, though - I'll have to see what I can think up. It's more likely that I'll give her some time in Roman's chapter rather than do a sequel, since this one ended pretty conclusively. But we'll see - I mean, at this point even I don't know what I'm going to think up, so you never know.**

**Speaking of fun chapters, the next one is shaping up to be really fun, too. And it's on someone I don't think any of you are going to guess. I'd give you a hint, but I can't think of one at the moment. All I'll say is that I really hope the chapter ends up _blooming _into something fantastic, because I have a lot of fun ideas for it that I think will be a really good time.**

**Finally, before I go, I just want to point out that I've been getting a lot of Guest reviews over the past couple of chapters, so I just wanted to thank all of you now, since I can't send you a PM like I do everyone else. Thanks so much for reviewing! I didn't think my little shitpost would attract as much attention as it did, but I'm really happy to see that you're all having as much fun with it as I am! Warms my heart, it does.**

**Next update: Saturday, October 3.**


	24. Tail from the Crypt

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Summer, or: Tail from the Crypt

* * *

It was that time of year again – Single's Awareness Day, otherwise known as Valentine's Day. And just like every other year, Jaune was without a special someone. Normally he wouldn't have thought much of it, aside from taking it as an opportunity to go and score some cheap candy from the clearance section the day after. But not this year.  
No, this year, he was _desperate._

He had been single for seventeen years of his life, and he was sick of it. It seemed like no matter what he tried, he simply couldn't get someone to be interested in him. Most men would have given up in his position, but not him. He just knew that all it would take was a little help.

Hence his current position, sitting up on his bed with his hands clasped together and his head bowed.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the rest of his team give him a weird look.

"What're you doing?" Nora asked.

"I'm praying," Jaune replied, as if it was the most natural thing in the world even though absolutely nobody practiced religion on Remnant anymore.

His teammates exchanged a glance with each other.

"...Okay," Pyrrha ventured. "Is something bothering you?"

"As a matter of fact, yes," Jaune announced, though he didn't look up or unclasp his hands. "I've decided that I'm sick of traveling on the path to wizardry, and am taking drastic measures to ensure that I don't die a virgin. Now, do you mind?"

Thankfully, they didn't mind… or if they did mind, they didn't say anything. Instead, Ren took that opportunity to usher them both out of the room and leave Jaune to his own devices.

"Just leave him be, girls," Rena stated. "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."

Trust Ren – the bro-est of bros – to understand at least a little bit. When they were both of legal drinking age, Jaune would have to buy him a beer… or raid Ruby's uncle's stash when he was plastered. But that was neither here nor there.

With that established, it was back to more pressing matters.

"O, Gods of Darkness and Light," Jaune muttered. "Hear my prayer. Grant me a GF. I'm not too picky – just someone who will love and cherish me the same way I will love and cherish her. Anyone will do, so long as she's female and doesn't mind men with blonde hair and blue eyes."

He meant that last bit as a joke, but he had no way of knowing what it would lead to.

Jaune went to sleep that night feeling disappointed that a GF hadn't materialized in his bed shortly after his prayer, and feeling as if he had failed.

But little did he know, there were forces beyond his control at play.

* * *

All was quiet in the domain of the Gods. They were taking their time away from Remnant to relax and catch up on messing with some mortals in other worlds.

"Hmm..." the God of Light mused. "I've got it: a tropical storm on top of all the other bullshit. That'll be funny."

He snapped his fingers, and it was done. And it was indeed funny.

He had scarcely had time to bask in his own great power and sense of humor before he was interrupted by the arrival of his brother.

"Brother," he greeted as the great purple dragon unfurled in front of him. "What brings you here? Have the mortals on Remnant succeeded?"

"What? No. No, of course not." There was a flash of purple light, and then the God of Darkness was standing in front of him. "No, we got an order."

The God of Light was confused until his brother shoved a slip of paper into his hands. He stared at it in surprise before looking back to Darkness. "Truly? I'm honestly stunned that there are still those that follow us."

"There aren't, at least not since we killed them all. This is the first in many thousands of years."

"Nobody has tried to pray to us in all that time?"

"Unfortunately, no. And honestly, I'm just as surprised about that as you are. Seems like it's a bit too convenient if you ask me."

"Well, what do they want?"

"He wants a GF, one who – get this – is into men with blonde hair and blue eyes."

"...I see. Well, I suppose we have the perfect candidate for that. Should we do it?"

Darkness shrugged. "Might as well. I mean, I know we did that whole thing with the cycle of life and death… but let's be honest, that world is fucked, it's never gonna work out, Ozma is a complete and total failure at everything and everyone else is about as equally stupid. We might as well have some fun with it before Salem kills them all. Then we can go back to that other world and implement that bat flu thing you wanted to-"

"Already did it."

"You dick! Is it at least funny?"

"Hilarious."

"Hnn… well, I say we do this, because it would also be hilarious. Plus, it would make Salem and Ozma seethe."

That was all that Light needed to hear. "Then let it be done."

He snapped his fingers, and true to his word, it was done.

* * *

Back on Remnant, Jaune was awoken that morning by his alarm, the same as any other morning. The only difference now was that someone else got to it before he did. Not that he minded; it was probably Pyrrha, rising early to get to the gym like she usually did. Nothing too weird.

"Rise and shine, Jaune~" someone whispered into his ear.

That, on the other hand, was absolutely weird.

Instantly, his eyes shot open, only to widen in surprise when he came face-to-face with-

"R-Ruby?!"

Even he could tell that wasn't right – this woman was too mature to be Ruby. But aside from her maturity, her different hairstyle, her different outfit, and her bust size, she looked nearly identical.

The woman giggled softly. "Close, but not quite. I'm her mother, Summer."

Well, that wasn't right. Ruby didn't like to talk about her mother much (she tended to start crying uncontrollably whenever she did), but from what little Jaune knew, Summer Rose had died years ago. There was absolutely no reason she would be in his room.

Unless…

It all made sense. This dead woman – one who Yang had made sure to mention was very attached to their father, who was blonde-haired and blue-eyed – had been sent to him by the Gods as a way of answering his prayer. Normally he would have felt ecstatic about that, except…

"Hold on," he said, holding up a hand. "Just to confirm: you're here to be my girlfriend, right?"

"Of course," she replied.

"But aren't you married to that Taiyang guy?"

"_Was _married," Summer replied. "Our vows stated 'Til death do us part', and since I died, they don't apply anymore."

"...But don't you still care for-"

"He's the father of my daughters, so of course I do. But romantically? Jaune, he started banging that bird-brained bitch again like a month after I died. I don't care how much he tried to justify it to himself with 'it's just a booty call' or 'I'm just relieving some stress' or 'She's got a great ass', that all showed to me that he moved on. And at this point, so have I."

Well, he couldn't argue with that… not because he agreed with the logic behind it, but because Pyrrha had woken up and started screaming at the sight of a strange adult woman standing over Jaune's bed.

"It's the bed intruder!" Pyrrha shouted, calling her weapon to her. "Jaune, get down! I'll save you from the creepy molester woman!"

The two women locked blades, and Jaune sighed.

_This is going to take some explaining._

* * *

It did, in fact, take some explaining. Between his own team and Team RWBY, it had actually taken _a fucking lot _of explaining. There had been quite a fair amount of tears between Summer and her daughters, then Summer had called up Tai and Qrow and there had been even more tears, and then Summer and Tai officially announced that they had both moved on and there were even more tears, then Summer revealed that she was alive to Ozpin and Glynda and there were even more tears… by the time breakfast had rolled around, it was like someone had just screened 'Ol Yeller' multiple times for the entire family.

Thankfully, Ozpin had excused them all from classes for the day – Team RWBY for an obvious reason, and Team JNPR for emotional support. Also because Summer had requested that he let them all off for the day, and the look she had given him had left no room for argument.

Something told Jaune that there was more at play there than Summer was letting on, but it wasn't his place to ask.

Anyway, the point was, they were all now in the cafeteria, enjoying a hearty breakfast. Summer was basically eating everything in sight, because according to her, she hadn't eaten real food in over a decade.

"Man, this is the good stuff," she announced as she chowed down on yet another piece of bacon. "I tell you, the afterlife's cooking has got nothing on this."

Weiss seemed surprised about that. "Hang on, are you saying that the afterlife is actually a real thing?"

"Hey, I was dead and then I came back, so I think I know what I'm talking about. And yeah, it's real, and the cooking sucks. I tell you, the Gods are putting in the barest minimum amount of effort when it comes to dealing with the dead. Do you have any idea what housing looks like up there? It's ridiculous."

"...The afterlife has housing?" Blake asked, confused.

"Well, yeah. You didn't think we'd all just be standing there, did you? We need some place to live."

"I have so many questions," Ren stated. "What is it like?"

Summer shrugged. "Pretty boring, honestly. You don't want for anything, but that just means that there's not much to do, if that makes sense. You spend a lot of your time missing your family and friends back on Remnant. You can't die or even get hurt, so there's no need to do anything dangerous or stupid. Mostly you just chill and listen to dead musicians and stand-up comedians."

"That doesn't sound so bad," Pyrrha offered.

"Believe me, it gets old fast. You'd think that your extended family members would come visit, but if they didn't care about you in life, they don't really care about you in death either, and my parents left me on Beacon's doorstep when I was a baby."

"Oh," was Pyrrha's reply. "I'm sorry to hear that."

Summer waved her off. "Look, the point is, the afterlife isn't great, but it's not terrible. I can certainly think of worse ways to spend an eternity, that's for sure. It's definitely better than sheer nothingness."

"Hey, so what about omniscience?" Nora interjected. "Do you get any of that?"

"A bit," Summer replied. "Not enough to understand everything, but we see a lot more than you'd think we could."

"...Does that mean you saw when I took Ren's underwear and-"

"Yes, I did. And you should be very ashamed of yourself."

Nora pouted at that. Yang, meanwhile, suddenly went bright red, causing everyone to turn towards her.

"You seem suitably embarrassed," Weiss observed. "Is there something you'd like to share with us?"

Yang shook her head, and Summer sighed.

"Yang, sweetie, you have nothing to be ashamed of."

"Oh, so _she _gets off scot-free..." Nora grumbled.

Summer ignored her and said nothing, which only made things worse.

"Do we want to know?" Blake asked.

"No, no you don't," Summer replied. "And I won't answer, either. Let's just say it involves her motorcycle and leave it at that."

"Ewww!" Ruby stated. "Yang, at least use your weapon like a normal person!"

That earned her a strange look from everyone else, which only confused her. "What? You mean none of you-"

"No," Jaune replied. "No, we do not."

"...Really? But I thought that everyone-"

"No, it's literally just you."

"...Well, now we know why her weapon doesn't need to be lubed so much..." Weiss muttered, earning her a light smack from Yang.

"Anyway," Summer announced, hoping to take away form the bit of awkwardness that had just settled over the table. "I have an announcement to make."

"Is it about someone else's weird fetish?" Nora asked. "Tell me if Ren's into feet, I want to know if I should start wearing sandals or not."

Summer ignored her last comment. "I just wanted to say that I came back – or rather, I was sent back – for a reason. Taiyang and I broke up for a reason, too."

"Because he wanted to bang Yang's mom," Blake pointed out.

"Normally I'd challenge you to a spar for that, but that relationship is over, so I don't care. Anyway, I was sent here to answer a certain someone's prayer, and I intend to do exactly that."

Jaune's team seemed to understand, as they all instantly looked over to him as if they couldn't believe it. Jaune couldn't believe it either, and he was the one who had prayed for it to happen – the fact that it was actually happening was just mind-blowing. Also kind of retarded, but that wasn't important right now.

No, the only people who didn't seem to get it were Team RWBY.

"I don't get it," Ruby announced. "I mean, I obviously missed you a lot, but I never prayed for you to come back, 'cuz I didn't think the Gods were actually real."

"Same," Yang added.

"Let me put it this way," Summer said.

She leaned over, hooking one arm around Jaune's shoulders and pulling him close.

"Ruby, Yang, meet your new stepdad."

And that was all it took for hell to break loose.

* * *

"Get back here, you son of a bitch!"

Jaune quickly jumped to the side to avoid yet another shotgun blast, only to find himself forced to roll out of the way of an incoming scythe blade.

"Homewrecker!" Ruby shouted, her voice dripping with rage… well, as much rage as little squeaky-voiced, pint-sized, in-the-midst-of-puberty Ruby could muster, which was to say it was about as much rage as a kitten upset at having its tail accidentally stepped on.

Granted, that kitten also had a fuckoff-huge scythe, so by no means was he taking it lightly.

Recovering, Jaune took off running once more, the whole time regretting every decision that had led him to this point. He had been running for about five minutes now, and he was already getting tired. Meanwhile, Ruby and Yang still had plenty of gas in the tank.

_So, this is it. This is how I die. Murdered by two of my good friends because I accidentally brought their mother back from the dead and had her break up with their father so she could pursue me. Gotta say, I didn't think it would end like this._

Then again, he'd half-expected it would end with him getting mulched during initiation, so he didn't exactly have the best track record with these things.

"Girls!" Summer shouted as she rounded the corner.

Immediately, both Ruby and Yang came to a stop, shouting out protests to their mother. Summer simply raised a hand in response, affixing both of them with a harsh glare.

"Next time, give me a chance to explain," she stated. "My relationship with Tai is over. It has been for awhile."

"But Jaune-" Yang sputtered.

"Had nothing to do with it. Yang, Tai has been sleeping with Raven every weekend since the month after I died. He's moved on, and I don't blame him. In fact, I'm happy for him.

But now it's my turn to move on too, and I intend to do exactly that."

"But why Jaune?" Ruby asked. "I mean, he's… nice… but-"

"To tell you the truth, he's exactly my type."

"And what would that be?" Yang questioned, putting a hand on her hip. "Young, blonde, and blue-eyed?"

Summer said nothing in response, causing Yang and Ruby to blanch. "Mom, you can't be serious!" Yang protested.

"I am, in fact, serious," Summer said, her voice firm. "Now, don't hold this against Jaune – this is my choice, too. I know it's awkward, but that's it. Now, go apologize to him for trying to kill him."

Both Ruby and Yang looked reluctant to do so, but they did, eventually creeping over to him and muttering apologies which Jaune graciously (and very awkwardly) accepted.

"Excellent," Summer stated. "Now then, I think it would be best if we all split up for a bit. I still haven't fully caught up with you two, after all. That, and I'm eager to see how you've both been training in my absence."

Ruby and Yang seemed to perk up slightly. Seeing that they were feeling a bit better, Summer turned to Jaune.

"We'll pick this up again later. I'll text you the details, but we'll set something up – dinner, probably."

Jaune's initial response was to gently let her down given the reaction her daughters had just had… but then again, the Gods had resurrected her specifically for him. Turning her down would probably be considered heresy of some kind, and he wasn't going to risk receiving a lightning bolt to the face or eternal damnation by doing it. Instead, he nodded.

"...Yeah, sounds good," he managed to force out.

Summer nodded in understanding, then looked back to her daughters. "Come on, girls. Let's give Jaune some time to recover."

Ruby and Yang muttered something to themselves but ultimately did as they were told, following behind Summer as she went. Jaune watched them go, the whole time hoping that this wasn't going to be as much of a clusterfuck as he expected it to be.

* * *

He had to give Summer some credit: as apprehensive as he was about this whole arrangement, she certainly had good taste when it came to date night. Dinner turned out to be a much more fancy affair than he had thought it would, in the form of an Atlesian restaurant downtown.

"Not that I'm complaining or anything," Jaune said, "but how did you even set this up in the first place? This place must have cost a fortune."

"Let's just say that Ozpin owes me more than a few favors after the event that ended up killing me and leave it at that," Summer replied. "He's paying for tonight, by the way. So go nuts, because it's on him."

Normally he would have tried to tune that out and just go with the cheapest option he could, because he hated wasting money even if it wasn't his money… but Ozpin had thrown him off a cliff into Grimm-infested woods, so he was past the point of caring. In fact, he was going to order the most expensive thing his palate would let him, just to spite Oz.

_Ten ounce Wagyu filet mignon, here I come._

Hey, just because he was poor, that didn't mean he couldn't have expensive tastes.

"So," Summer began, setting her menu aside. "The Gods brought me back to be your girlfriend, but I don't really know anything about you. I think we should change that."

Honestly, he agreed, if only because he was going to have to give this arrangement an honest try unless he wanted to burn for all eternity. A little question-and-answer session would do wonders when it came to saving his soul.

Oh, and it would also help him get to know a pretty woman a lot better, had to remember that too.

"Okay," Jaune said. "What did you have in mind?"

"Tell me about the real Jaune, not the one your friends make you out to be."

"Oh. Um, I'm not sure what to make of that. Is there anything in particular that they're telling you?"

"Honestly, it's mostly the girls on my daughters' team, and I'm assuming they're only talking badly about you because they think you're the impetus for my past relationship ending. I'd really like to put all that to the bed and get a firsthand account. So, we'll start with the obvious: what's your story, Jaune? What brought you to Beacon?"

Of course, she started with that question. She probably thought it was an innocent question, but the truth was, it was probably the hardest one she could have asked. Did he risk revealing the truth to her, or did he keep telling lies? Honestly, the more he thought about it, the more clear it became that he really only had one choice.

Jaune sighed, then bowed his head. "...I'll be honest with you, Summer. I came to Beacon because I wanted to be a hero. I don't have any real training, hell I didn't even have aura when I showed up for orientation. I'm not a Huntsman in any sense of the word. I got my hands on some fake transcripts and lied my way into school. I'm a fraud."

"Hmm..." Summer hummed to herself. "...Nope."

Jaune looked up, surprised. "Nope?"

"Nope. You're not a fraud."

"But I just told you-"

"The truth. Would a fraud do that?"

Well, she had him there. "...But I still lied-"

"Did you? You survived initiation. You even became team leader. That's better than a lot of prospective students do, and you did it without aura or any kind of training. And before you say it, luck can only take you so far. You're better than you give yourself credit for."

"So… you're not mad?"

"Not at all," she replied, a small grin crossing her face. "Truthfully, that was a test – I knew all along that you didn't get into Beacon legitimately. I just wanted to see if you had the strength of character to fess up to it when questioned. Though, I have to ask – why do it now? It can't just be because I'm the only one to have ever asked."

Honestly, that was part of it, but it wasn't the whole truth. "...Truthfully, Summer, I didn't think it was right to start our dinner off with a lie. Whether this goes well or goes horribly, I want to at least end it knowing that I did everything in my power to try and make it work. And I'm not just saying that because the Gods will probably barbecue my soul for all eternity if I fuck this up, I swear."

Summer stared at him for a moment, apparently deep in thought. Finally, she shook her head, chuckling softly.

"You're a real piece of work, Jaune," she stated. "In a good way, I mean. There aren't many men out there like you."

He honestly wasn't sure how to respond, partially because he was quite flustered by her praise, but mainly because he had noticed something on her face – a small mark, something that looked like a mole, had appeared under her right eye all of a sudden. Within seconds, it had turned a sickly yellow, and he couldn't help but stare before shaking himself out of it.

"...Uh, Summer?"

"Yes?"

"You've got a little something right-"

She seemed to catch on to what he was saying immediately, as she quickly flared her aura. To his surprise, the spot instantly vanished, leaving no trace that it was ever there in the first place.

"...Huh," he said.

She waved him off. "Don't worry about that – just some complications with the resurrection process. Let's just say that I'm very thankful for my aura right now. Anyway, let's move on, shall we?"

"Sure, Summer. What did you have in mind?"

"Well, how about… actually, hold on."

She waved the waiter over, then brought up the drink menu.

"How much for the aged Merlot?"

"Well, that's our most expensive offering, considering that it's imported from Atlas. A glass will cost you fifty lien."

"Perfect. Bring the bottle and leave it."

He seemed stunned to hear her say that, as if he didn't know what to do. Summer simply turned to stare at him.

"I could go into how this is all paid for so you don't need to worry about me dining and dashing, but instead I'll just leave it at this: I am a mother of two teenage girls, and while I love them deeply, both of them are training to become Huntresses. Do you have any idea what it's like raising a single Huntress, let alone two? I. _Need._ My wine."

The waiter nodded in understanding, and Summer quickly sent him off before turning back to Jaune, who was flabbergasted. Softly, she let out a sigh.

"Sorry about that. It's just-"

"No, I get it," he replied. "I have seven sisters, so I get the need for a drink every now and then."

"Oh, my. Seven? Your mother must be-"

"Yes, she is."

"I mean, she must be like a fish-"

"You don't know the half of it."

"It's actually inspiring. I could never do it. Two is enough for me at the moment."

That was saying a lot, considering that both Ruby and Yang had at different points described her as Supermom.

The waiter quickly returned with Summer's bottle of wine, plus a glass. She wasted no time in popping the cork and filling the glass to the brim before taking a deep sip, then sighing contentedly before looking back to Jaune.

"Honestly, I just want us to really get to know each other a bit better tonight. I may have been brought back to be your girlfriend, but I see no reason to take things so quickly. We have plenty of time to work things out before getting serious."

Jaune agreed. It would have been weird for him to try and put the moves on a woman he had just met, especially one who had been dead the day before. It just made sense for them to take things slow right now. He certainly wasn't going to complain about it.

"I think that's a great idea," he replied. "I'd really like to know for sure that this is going to be a serious relationship that can work before we start moving on to anything beyond just small dates."

"Now you're getting it. You've got a good head on your shoulders, Jaune. Yup, it would be crazy for us to try anything more than this when we barely even know each other."

"You're absolutely right, Summer. In fact, I'll go so far to say that we should put a moratorium on anything more intense than handholding until we really get to know each other."

"Oh, for sure. Let's both agree here and now to keep it chaste for as long as possible."

"Sounds good."

"Great to hear it. Yup, no funny business between us. Not at all."

* * *

It was just after ten in the evening when the two of them burst through the door to the cheap motel room, then slammed it shut and locked it behind them. They were deep in the throes of passion, both of them wrapped up tight in the other's arms with their lips pressed together, their tongues fighting for dominance. Finally, after several seconds of intensity, Summer had enough. She guided Jaune over to the bed before throwing him onto it, then leveling him with a predatory gaze.

"I'm in control tonight," she stated. "Let me take the lead and you won't regret it. That clear?"

"Crystal, ma'am," Jaune responded.

"Excellent. Now then, take 'em off. I'm tired of waiting."

He didn't need to be told twice, instead reaching down and pulling off his belt at the same time Summer began to shrug off her evening gown (one of Glynda's that she had 'convinced' the deputy headmistress to lend her, which Glynda had agreed to without complaint for some reason). The gown hit the floor at the same time Jaune's pants did, and he couldn't help but take a look. His breath hitched when he saw that Summer had decided not to wear a bra tonight. She seemed to enjoy his reaction, as a smirk crossed her face.

"Like what you see?"

Okay, forget the filet mignon, this was the _real _prize tonight. He may not have intended to get some, but he certainly wasn't going to back out anymore.

Or rather, it would have been, if not for that mole once again appearing, this time on her neckline. Seeing it, he frowned.

"Summer, you've got a-"

She actually let out a small growl before flaring her aura once more, and again, the mole disappeared without a trace, much to his confusion.

"There," she stated. "Now we can move on."

"Are you sure? Is this something I should be concerned-"

"Less talking, more naked-ing," she implored. "I've been on a twelve-year dry spell. They wouldn't even let us masturbate up there, what with the whole 'you shall not want for anything' thing. Do you have any idea what twelve years of no orgasms will do to an adult once it catches up to them? I'm dying over here, and the only cure is some dick. I need about a hundred CC's of whatever's in your pants, stat."

Well, so much for that. There would be time to focus on her weird medical problems and also how the afterlife here honestly seemed to kind of suck later, because for now, he had a smoking hot MILF who was liable to jump him at any moment if he didn't give in right away.

Normally he'd reminisce about things ended up like this, but it wasn't much of a story to tell. They had been talking, they'd had a good time and eaten some damn good food, and then somehow it led to this. Part of him was convinced it was the Gods fucking with the two of them somehow, but he wasn't about to risk becoming a heretic by stating that out loud.

"Are you ready?" Summer asked, clearly impatient. "Because I've been ready, and I'm liable to break you in half if I have to wait any longer."

"Ah! Y-yeah, I'm re-"

And that was as far as he got.

* * *

"You look like shit, man," Nora observed.

Jaune merely winced in response. His entire pelvis was killing him – it was like someone had taken a jackhammer to it the previous night. Thank the Gods he'd had his aura up the whole time, because otherwise he'd probably quite literally be half the man he used to be.

_At least Summer had a great time._

That was underselling it – Summer looked like a million bucks today. She was absolutely radiant. And here he was, thinking that all those stories about how going without sex for too long was bad for you were all just bullshit. Apparently not. Then again, that made sense – she'd basically experienced No Nut November spread out over more than a decade. It was literally like experiencing that plus Don't Jizz January, No Fap February, A Moratorium on Masturbation March, No Acquiescin' to the Fappin' April, No Beating the Meat May, Don't Jerk June, No Jackin' July, No Autoeroticism August, Don't Seed September, No Solo Orgasm October, and Don't Nut December, times like twelve. That was fucking insane. Truly the ultimate nofap challenge. Talk about going monk mode.

Anyway, the point was that Summer looked like a huge weight had been taken off her shoulders, and thankfully nobody knew about that… or about the fact that they were definitely going to end up doing it again later tonight, if the bedroom eyes she kept giving him were any indication.

_Must be those MILF instincts running wild. I swear she's probably going to end up being really baby-crazy at some point._

Not that he could entirely blame her, considering how she was currently doting on Ruby and Yang. She had actually made Ruby her special pancakes for breakfast today, and she was currently in the process of braiding Yang's hair. She certainly seemed to adore her children, and he wouldn't put it past her to try and go for another one eventually despite what she had said at dinner last night, especially since she had come back looking like she was in her early thirties rather than how she would actually look if she had gone on living.

Truly, the Gods had done him a huge favor here. If their goal had been to make an acolyte out of him, they were certainly well on their way to doing that.

His thoughts were interrupted by a small itch on a certain sensitive part of his anatomy, which caused him to frown. Thankfully, scratching it had made it go away. That was definitely not the way to fix it, but it provided some temporary relief, so fuck it. It was like not scratching a mosquito bite – yeah, it'll go away faster if you just don't touch it… but fuck that, that shit itches too bad. He'd rather deal with the inevitable scab than let those little blood-sucking fuckers cause him irritation, thank you very much.

Anyway, itchiness aside, things were going pretty well. Ruby and Yang still sent him the occasional glare, but honestly, he understood why, even if he hadn't planned for it to end up this way.

_You just had to jokingly ask that you get one who liked guys with blonde hair and blue eyes._

But that was about the only real complaint he had, aside from the constant itchiness. Speaking of which, he made sure to subtly scratch himself once more before going back for yet another strip of bacon, which made his friends all give him a blank look for some reason.

"Um, Jaune?" Pyrrha asked gently.

"Yes, Pyrrha?" he replied, eating the whole strip in one bite.

"Are you feeling okay?"

Honestly, no. "Actually, I feel like I might be getting a little sick, now that you mention it. Why do you ask?"

"Well, it's just that you've been eating non-stop for the past fifteen minutes."

Perplexed, Jaune looked down at the table. True to her word, there were plates upon plates lined up in front of him, all of them now empty. Curiously, each one had held nothing but meat – sausage, eggs, ham, bacon… all the standard breakfast meats.

_Good thing I have aura, otherwise I'd be afraid of all the cholesterol making my heart explode._

Truly, aura was a magnificent thing. Once again he found himself forced to wonder why they didn't just unlock it for everyone on Remnant the instant they were able to handle it, but then again there was probably some explanation for that, even if he didn't know what it was. It wasn't like someone would be dumb enough to think that aura was something your average person wouldn't need or anything.

Oh, Pyrrha was still talking.

"-Worried. So, maybe you should go back to bed. We can tell Professor Goodwitch that you weren't feeling too good."

"Huh? Uh, yeah," he said. "Yeah, that sounds like a plan. Just let me finish my bacon-"

"Absolutely not!" Weiss hissed. "Between you and Ruby's mother, you must have eaten the whole pig by now! I'm about to be ill just looking at you!"

Confused, Jaune looked over to where Summer was sitting, only to see her with the tail end of a piece of bacon hanging out of her mouth. She grinned sheepishly before swallowing it.

"Yeah, I think that's enough for now," she said, rising out of her seat. "Anyway, let's go, Jaune. Back to the room with you."

Ruby and Yang looked like they were about to protest, but Summer quickly turned to them to assuage their fears. "Girls, I promise I'll be there in time to watch you fight. I just want to make sure he'll be okay first."

That seemed to be more than enough for the both of them, as their protests were silenced before they could speak. Turning back to Jaune, Summer motioned for him to lead the way, which he did… though it was easier said than done. The itchiness had suddenly worsened, and for some reason, he felt very discombobulated.

"Easy," Summer said gently as he collapsed against a nearby wall out in the hallway. "Man, you're in really bad shape. Was it something you ate?"

"No idea..." Jaune wheezed. "Help me to my room, please?"

That was all Summer needed to sling one of his arms over her shoulder and help him stumble back to his room. Within moments, he was lying on his bed, though he didn't dare get under the covers – he already felt like he was on fire, and that would have been too much. He was about to ask what was happening to him when he happened to glance over at Summer once more, and noticed that one again, that mole was back.

"Summer..." he wheezed.

"Yes, Jaune?"

"What's… is there something you're not… telling me about… how you came back…?"

She bit her lip, seemingly conflicted. Finally, she decided to just come out with it.

"...Alright, so it turns out that the Gods didn't actually make me a new body," she admitted.

"What…?"

"Yeah, they kind of couldn't, for whatever reasons. At least that was what they told me. So they sort of… got my old one and… 'fixed' it."

"So… the whole time we were having sex..."

"Oh, no, it was nothing like that – I'm still very much alive. Just… sort of held together by an odd mixture of aura and prayers. I may or may not basically be a zombie."

So she was an aura zombie, then. Well, that was great to know. At least now he knew what had happened to him – at some point during last night's sexcapade, he had clearly contracted some form of deadly disease from her, which made sense because he was quite literally loving the dead. Not that she intended that to happen, of course; he somehow very much doubted that. It's just that it seemed like the only way she could keep the necrosis at bay was by flaring her aura to heal herself, and at some point, she must have forgotten to do it, probably because he was balls deep in her at that time.

Summer placed a hand against his forehead, frowning. "Gods, you're burning up. Here, let's get you out of those clothes."

Jaune didn't even try to argue, because she was right – his whole body felt like it was on fire right now. He offered no resistance as Summer stripped him bare, because why would he? At this point, he felt like the sun in a pizza oven.

Though, the gasp she let out when she managed to get his boxer shorts off was more than enough cause for concern.

"Summer…?" he rasped. "Something wrong?"

She hesitated, seemingly unsure of what to say. Finally, she swallowed before looking back at him.

"...Promise you won't freak out," she said softly.

"Why…? What's wrong?"

"It's worse than it looks, I swear. It's nothing a little antiseptic won't hurt, I'm sure. Maybe a bandage or two, as well. Whatever it is, I'm sure we can fix it."

Well, that certainly got his attention. If a mother of two girls didn't know what was wrong with him, that was cause for concern, especially if it was affecting the one place he held most sacred. He dared to look up a bit, trying desperately to see what had Summer so stunned. Jaune looked down at Little Jaune.

And Little Jaune looked back, courtesy of the brand-new eyeball right in the center of it.

Jaune blinked, and so did Little Jaune. Slowly, he turned back to Summer.

"If you don't mind, I'm gonna black out now."

He never got to hear her response before he passed out.

* * *

Jaune wasn't sure how long he was out for, only that when he woke up later on, it was dark… or so it seemed. All he knew when he finally woke up was that he couldn't see anything, but it only took a moment for him to realize that there was something covering his face. He went to go move it, only for someone to stop him.

"That's… not a good idea," he heard Summer gently say. "Trust me, you don't want to do that right now."

"Why not?" Jaune asked. For some reason, his voice sounded… distorted. Inhuman, almost. Like it was more bestial than anything, even if it was recognizably him.

Also, his right shoulder was really irritating him at the moment, but he wasn't sure why. It felt like there was something moving around on it, but he didn't dare try to touch it – if Summer had warned him not to, he figured there had to be a good reason for it.

"Look, this is going to take some explaining," Summer began, her voice cautious.

"Why's that? Is there something wrong with me?"

"Well… 'wrong' is a strong word..." He was about to start freaking out before she gently placed a hand on his head. "Easy, easy. Look, it's just… there have been some… adjustments. Let me ask you something first: are you still hungry, and itchy?"

"_Very," _he replied. "Now, what's the big deal? I promise I won't freak out."

"Well, let me put it like this – they're not quite sure what's wrong with you. Apparently, they're never seen anything quite like it before. They're calling it the G-Virus..."

That was all he needed to hear. Jaune quickly threw the covers off of himself, then rushed over to the mirror. And it was… well, it was bad. His entire body looked relatively fine on the left side, save for all the torn clothes, blood, and pus. The right side was where things started to get gnarly. There was exposed muscle and bone, even more blood and pus, and most striking of all, a giant eyeball on his right shoulder, one that wouldn't stop blinking and making gross noises whenever it moved.

_I don't know if it makes things better or worse that I can actually see out of it._

Truthfully, he wasn't sure how to take any of this. Sure, he was now an inhuman abomination… that was it. He was now an inhuman abomination, and he wasn't sure how to take it. So much for getting out of Beacon looking like a male model, like all the other Huntsmen. Now he just looked like… hell, he wasn't even sure what he looked like, besides a monster.

Also, he had a very strong desire to nut right now. That wasn't directly related, or at least he didn't think it was directly related, but damn if it wasn't overpowering.

"You're taking this rather well," Summer observed.

"Because I don't know how to take it," Jaune said, his voice continuing to come out distorted. "I really don't-"

He turned towards her, only to pause instantly at what he saw. Summer was… not Summer. The white cloak was still there, sure, but she looked different – similar to him in some ways, but still radically different. Less grotesque, though that was relative. Her skin had turned gray, the blood vessels and arteries darkening. Chitinous growths had sprouted all along her body, seeming to form a crude armor of some kind. Her figure was still there, it was just buried beneath layers of… whatever this new form was. But even then, he had to admit that she still looked amazing.

"Surprise," she said softly.

Jaune shook himself out of his stupor. "Summer…? What's-"

"It's not the same as what you have," she stated. "Yours is a… mutation of sorts, apparently. They're calling mine the T-Veronica virus, for some reason. I'm not entirely clear on where these names are coming from, but at this point, I don't care."

The two of them fell silent yet again, neither one seeming to know what to say. Finally, Jaune cleared his throat.

"So… what now?"

Summer seemed surprised to hear him ask the question, though she quickly recovered. "Well, from what I can gather, there's probably a lot we can do now that we couldn't before. It'll take some testing, but I bet that these new forms are quite powerful. And honestly, there's one thing I've been wanting to do ever since I came back."

"Lay it on me."

Her only response was to smirk.

* * *

There was no way of describing the scene before him as anything less than sheer pandemonium. Fires were raging, gunshots were going off, the air was filled with the sounds of screaming and guttural moans… it was sheer chaos. Not really Jaune's thing at all.

Summer was having a good time, at least.

"How do you like that, you egg-laying bimbo?! This is for that time you purposely got some of your red in the washing machine with my white cloaks!" she shouted as yet another of her 'creations' - the one with the exposed brain and the long tongue – succeeded in tearing down yet another hut before taking a pass at the terrified bandits inside. Their resistance was no match for the creature, and within moments, they joined the rest of their comrades on the ground.

Jaune merely sighed as he watched the scene in front of him. Truthfully, when Summer had brought this up to him, he had expected it to be for a much more obvious reason, namely the one having to do with the other blonde-haired and blue-eyed man in her life. But no, according to her that relationship was over and neither one of them cared anymore. No, this was for entirely different reasons, and much pettier ones than that.

When Summer sicced that big guy with the trenchcoat and fedora on the camp as revenge for Raven first walking out on Tai and Yang, he understood. When she let loose the even bigger guy who wouldn't shut the fuck up about stars for some reason to get back at Raven for not coming back to the family when Summer had died, he completely got it. But now she was doing things like sending giant tarantulas after the Branwen tribe for that one time that Raven stole some of her underwear when they were back at Beacon, or letting loose the (zombie) hounds of war because Raven stole some of her Dust almost two decades ago.

_No wonder Dad gave me that talk about women being petty before I left home._

Frankly, he was just happy that he had kept all his mental faculties about him after his transformation instead of all these other poor fools. He didn't know the Gods all that well besides knowing for a fact that they existed and seemed to like him somewhat, but he had to imagine that they were most likely not very happy about the fact that Summer was technically resurrecting the dead every time a corpse rose up and began to do her bidding.

* * *

"Hey, brother?"

"Yes, brother?"

"The Rose woman has created another abomination. Should we do something about it?"

"How bad is it?"

"She spliced fly DNA together with a human embryo, creating something straight out of that old horror movie from many decades ago."

"Well, that's not good. Is it at least funny?"

"Hilarious, in a cosmic sort of way. I say we just sit back and let it ride."

"Good enough for me. Who knows, maybe she'll find a way to deal with Salem."

"We can only hope, brother."

* * *

Shaking those thoughts away from his head, Jaune looked over to Summer. And then he made sure to also look over with his actual eyes, not just his gross shoulder eye. Anyway, she looked like she was having the time of her un-life as she cut down all of Raven's inbred hick bandit tribe, then turned them into the living dead to do her bidding. The only saving grace for all of this was that Raven herself wasn't actually here, because according to Summer, 'Taiyang has had enough loss in his life and I'm not about to make him go through it for a third time, no matter how much I hate that bitch.'

He wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing, but at this point, he had bigger problems, such as the fact that the tribe's blacksmith was currently having his mouth tentacle-fucked by the big guy with the rocket launcher and his right eye stapled shut.

Yes, I used the 1999 design. Wanna fight about it?

Anyway, the point was, this shit was getting out of control. Frankly, he wasn't quite on board with all of this, but he knew better than to go against the woman who was starting up her own army of undead abominations.

Oh, and she was also the mother of two of his closest friends, and his girlfriend. Couldn't forget that.

Thankfully, she seemed to have had her fill (of revenge, that is; thankfully she didn't seem to have partaken in any of the cranium consuming that was going on here). She moved over to him, sighing contentedly before jumping into his arms. He raised an eyebrow.

"Comfortable?"

"You know it," she replied.

"So, what now?"

She hummed in thought for a moment. "Well, I guess we could go back to Beacon."

Oh, thank the Gods. He needed a break after all of this. It was just getting too crazy.

"Then again..."

Or not.

"Then again," she continued, "I think maybe we ought to go for the big one."

"The big one?"

"The one who killed me, obviously."

"...Is that wise? I mean, she did kill you."

"True. But now I'm not alone."

Yeah, she had him.

"I've got Nemmy and Mr. X, here."

_Ow, my pride._

"Oh, and I've also been meaning to try out that dragonfly form thing I've been working on," she added as an afterthought.

"Dragonfly thing?"

She waved him off. "You're better off not knowing, trust me. Anyway, I guess we should head home for now. I do miss my girls, after all."

Yeah, he could tell. Luckily, everyone seemed to have acclimated to her… 'condition' pretty quickly. He wasn't quite so lucky (Weiss was still running off to vomit every time she heard the eyeball on his shoulder move), but they were slowly getting used to it. He just hoped that they'd get used to Summer's little army as fast as he had, otherwise Vale was going to start looking an awful lot like a zombie apocalypse.

_How is this going to work, anyway? Don't all these things need to eat? I mean, I guess she can just feed the White Fang to them or something – she did mention getting back at them for what they did to her kids, and it's not like anyone will actually miss the world's most incompetent terrorist group or anything – but still, that's a rough way to go for anyone._

She poked him in the chest, getting his attention. "Come on, let's head back and rest up. And then we can work on making more creations together."

Not generally what you wanted to hear from your girlfriend, but it was either this or flushing it down the toilet, and he wasn't sure if he could trust those gross-looking embryo things to control themselves, not after the incident with the frog things Summer had accidentally let get into the sewers.

Still, he didn't need to be told twice. The two of them set off, Summer's large-and-growing zombie army behind them. This wasn't how Jaune had expected things to go when he had prayed to the Gods, but there was at least one silver lining to it.

_At least I actually have a girlfriend now._

* * *

**Because I'm such a huge Resident Evil fan that there was only ever going to be one way this chapter was going to end once I introduced the concept of zombie!Summer.**

**This was another fun one, maybe because I got to share my love of Resident Evil once more. I think I made it obvious how much I love that series when I expressed my desire to turn my Beretta 92FS into a Samurai Edge clone (which I've made zero progress on, BTW – I found a guy who will do the custom grips, but it's harder than you think trying to get an Inox barrel and a Brigadier slide, and don't get me started on the engravings), but this is my chance to really show just how much I love it.**

**No shade intended with the Nemesis 1999 comment either, by the way – I prefer his 1999 design, but I enjoyed Remake 3 well enough. I liked the original RE3 better, but then again I liked the original RE2 better than Remake 2, because I guess I'm just old-fashioned. What can I say except that I actually like tank controls, and I swear I'm not just being contrarian with that.  
**

**Anyway, Summer was tough to work with. I had to address the big elephant in the room that was Taiyang, so I hope I did a good job of that. I mainly wanted to do this without making it a heavy AU, because that seemed like it would be too obvious, but at the same time I definitely didn't want any NTR. So instead I went with "They've both moved on and they're both happy about it, and that's the end of that". Besides that, we know so little about Summer that it was tough trying to fill in the blanks. Some of what I wanted to do (having her confront Ruby over her choice to be a Huntress, having her visit her own grave) ended up being way too tragic, so I couldn't work with it. That left me to find something else, which led to the zombie thing. **

**Anyway, if you aren't a Resident Evil fan, you're probably very confused right now, so I'll explain some of it here: Jaune is basically William Birkin/G, what with the eyeball thing he has going on. His gross eyeball noises are a reference to the noise his shoulder eyeball makes whenever it moves in the original RE2, which is very gross in that late 90s sound effects sort of way. I recommend looking it up if you aren't familiar with it – just go on YT and search "William Birkin (1st Form, Leon B) – Resident Evil 2 Boss Battle" if you're curious about what I'm talking about. Beyond that, Summer is Alexia Ashford, and the dragonfly thing is a reference to her notoriously difficult second form. The other stuff (the brain monster, the fly people, the giant tarantulas, Nemesis, and the guy with the trenchcoat and fedora/Mr. X) are all monsters from the series.**

**Now, despite this chapter's difficulty, I had a good time with it. It was tough to find a rhythm at first, but once I did, I sort of ended up blowing through it pretty fast. It's not quite in my top 5 for this story, but it's close – maybe top ten. You all know my three favorites already, but in addition to those, I'd say that Salem, Yang, Neo, and a few others were more fun overall to work on than this one, but only by a bit.**

**...Then again, it's tough to narrow it down – I've had a good time with pretty much all of these chapters.**

**Also, before I go: a quick shout-out to everyone who reviewed last chapter, especially all the guests. Seriously, I did not expect that kind of response on that chapter, and seeing it get that popular that fast put a huge smile on my face. You're all awesome people and I'm so happy that I get to write for you all. Thank you all so much.**

**Next update: Saturday, October 17.**


	25. Hot For Teacher

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 25: Glynda, or: Hot For Teacher

* * *

Jaune hadn't seen his family for awhile, but he was always careful to keep their wisdom in mind, particularly when it came to matters of the fairer sex. One might think that his father would be a good source of knowledge on that subject, but as it turned out, it was his mother and his older sister who ended up being the real wealths of knowledge on that matter. It made sense, to a certain degree – one had raised seven girls, and the other was actually successful with girls. Of course they knew what to give him tips on. Unfortunately for them, the one tip they had made sure to emphasize to him was also the one he had ended up ignoring.

"_Remember, Jaune – it's good if she's a virgin, but if she's older and a virgin, there might be a problem."_

And he was just now beginning to understand why that was.

"You want me to do _what?" _

Glynda stood across from him in a set of black lingerie, looking somewhat surprised that he was reacting with dismay at what she had requested. "Jaune, it's really nothing major."

"It's a collar, Glynda."

"Well, obviously. I'm into femdom."

Funny, because he thought that was something that more men were into than women. "No, I get that."

"Then what's the problem?"

"Well, it's our first time."

"So?"

"So… um, I thought you'd want to, you know, take it slow."

"Take it slow? Why would I do that? I finally have another person to do all this with. I want to get freaky."

And suddenly it made sense why nobody had slept with her, despite her being a bombshell: because she was super kinky and super eager to try all of it out. She must have scared away any suitors once it came to matters of the bedroom.

He was tempted to ask her exactly how much porn she consumed in her private time (because she had to have been a real coomer to end up like this), but somehow he knew that'd end badly, so he bit his tongue.

"Look," he ventured, "can we just… I don't know, take it easy? I'd rather go for something somewhat normal before we start getting freaky."

"...Are you saying I'm not normal?"

"...Well, femdom is kind of niche-"

"Because most people have bad taste. But if it bothers you so much, then fine, I suppose we can start off regular."

To his relief, she tossed the collar away… only to then use her semblance to push him onto the bed. She climbed on top of him, looking down on him with a lecherous grin on her face.

For the first time since the secret of his transcripts got out, Jaune felt real fear.

"I'm on top this time," she declared proudly.

He wasn't about to argue that point, because he had seen what she could do when she got mad, and it wasn't pretty. They were still repairing that Nora-shaped indent in the wall of her classroom.

"Be gentle," he asked softly.

She only laughed in response, and his fear intensified.

* * *

Jaune limped over to the breakfast table, doing his best to stifle a yawn as he went. Last night had been satisfying – painful, too, but also satisfying – but unfortunately it didn't get him out of class the next day, no matter how much he begged.

Granted, that was probably because he now knew Glynda liked to hear him beg, so he probably should have been more assertive and outright demanded it. But give him a break, that woman was fucking scary. He would rather stare down an angry Ursa than an irritated Glynda, and that was saying a lot considering that they were currently banging.

He finally reached the table, taking a seat at it. It took him a moment to realize that everyone else was staring at him in a mixture of morbid curiosity and awe. He raised an eyebrow before looking back at them.

"What?"

They didn't say anything… but someone in the cafeteria did start the slow clap, which quickly turned into a very fast clap. Jaune, meanwhile, was bewildered.

"Did I do something?"

"More like someone," Yang said. "You actually did it, you absolute madman! You fucked Goodwitch!"

"Uh, yeah? We're kind of dating."

Never mind that there were probably all kinds of regulations about a teacher dating a student. Everyone was smart enough to know bringing them up around Glynda was a losing proposition. Besides, they were both legal adults, so it wasn't like it was predatory or anything. He just thought she was hot and asked her out, and she was so stunned that she couldn't help but say yes. That gradually grew into something more, and after a few more dates, they ended up sleeping with each other. It seemed perfectly natural to him, hence why he didn't quite get that everyone else was so impressed.

"Honestly, I don't get what the big deal is," Jaune stated, rubbing sleep from his eyes. "People tend to have sex when they're boyfriend and girlfriend. It's not news."

Everyone else at the table exchanged a look before turning back to him, suddenly seeming very concerned.

"You mean you haven't heard?" Ren asked.

"Heard what?"

"Oh, Gods..." Nora said, horrified. "He doesn't know, the poor soul. Ren, why didn't you tell him?!"

"Why didn't _you _tell him?! I didn't know it was my job to tell him, I thought one of you would! Pyrrha, this is all your fault!"

"My fault? How is it my fault?! I thought we all agreed that Ruby was going to tell him, since she lost the coin toss!"

Everyone looked over to Ruby, who shrank under their gaze. She fidgeted in her seat before giving them a sheepish grin.

"Uh… heh… see, I _was _going to tell him… but I forgot. Oopsie!"

"You forgot?" Yang echoed. "Ruby, how could you forget?! Don't you understand what lies at stake here?"

"Well, someone should tell me, because I don't know what you're talking about," Jaune said.

Yang slammed her hands on the table, then turned to him, looking very determined. "Jaune," she began, "I have to know: did she try anything?"

"I'm not gonna tell you what it was like! That's private!"

"You don't understand, Jaune," Blake implored. "We _need _to know. Tell him, Weiss."

"Normally I wouldn't partake in these shenanigans, but Blake is right this time," Weiss said, taking him by surprise. "Just tell us, so we can help you."

"Help me with what?" Everyone was silent, and he sighed. "Alright, fine. She came on to me. We fucked. I got my man mayonnaise into her jelly roll. There, is that good enough for you?"

They all relaxed at that, which only made things even more confusing for him. "Great," Weiss said, "it's not too late."

"Too late for what?"

"Too late to save you," Yang said. "You don't understand – the reason why Goodwitch is perpetually single is simple: Because she's too hot to handle. For _everyone. _Like, she's had boyfriends before, and she's scared every single one of them off because she's just too much."

"Is that what this is about?"

"We're here to save you," Ren replied. "Jaune, my main man, my brother from another mother, my homeboy, trust me when I say that for your own good, you need to take your ball and go home. End it before it gets too spicy."

"That's ridiculous," Jaune flatly declared. "Look, I'll admit that Glynda was somewhat aggressive last night, to the point where I think my pelvis might be ever-so-slightly dislocated, but honestly, you guys act like she tried some real degenerate shit on me. Well, she didn't. I don't get what the big deal is. Now, if you don't mind, I have to get to class."

"Wait, Jaune!" Pyrrha called. "Jaune, please listen! You have no idea what you're risking!"

Thar's true, he didn't… and he didn't care. They were being purposely obtuse about this whole thing, and he didn't get it at all. If it was that bad, they'd just come out and say it. The fact that they weren't doing that meant they were likely just fucking with him. Well, he wasn't falling for it – he finally had a good thing going and a girl who liked him for him, and he wasn't about to let that go so easily.

* * *

Combat Class that day was… well, it was _different._

"Settle down, class!" Glynda cheerfully said as she strolled into the classroom, a wide smile on her face.

Everyone instantly stopped what they were doing in favor of staring at her, open-mouthed. Nobody could believe what they were seeing. Normally when Professor Goodwitch came into class and told them to quiet down, it was said differently – something more along the lines of 'The next person who talks without me asking for it gets detention for a week' or if she was feeling particularly mean that day, 'Miss Xiao Long, if you don't put your scroll away this instant, I will make you _wish _your deadbeat mother had swallowed you instead.'

Now, she was… well, even Jaune didn't quite get it.

_Sweet merciful Gods, her virginity must have really been bothering her._

Normally he would have written that off as a stupid inference to make, but it made sense. Also, from the way everyone else was looking at him, he could tell they were all thinking it, too.

"Now, then," Glynda said, her tone equally as cheery and her smile just as bright. "Who wants to go first? Any volunteers?"

And she was asking for volunteers now, too? Normally she just had a randomizer pick them, or if she was feeling particularly nasty that day, she would point to someone in the crowd and say 'Are you going to get in the ring or is it going to be your surviving family members?'

Let it be known that Professor Goodwitch was nothing if not very persuasive.

Tentatively, Yang rose her hand. "Um, I guess I'll give it a shot, Miss G."

Jaune actually winced. Yang of all people should have known better than to call her that. Now Glynda was absolutely going to go on a rampage.

...Or so he thought.

"Oh, wonderful!" Glynda said. "And Miss Xiao Long, there is no need for formalities – you may simply call me Glynda, or G, or even Glyndy if you'd like, I won't judge!"

Jaune was flabbergasted. Who could have possibly thought that getting this woman some dick would result in such a drastic change? If he had known that all he had to do to pull the stick out of her ass was replace it with his dick, he would have slipped her the ol' Valean Sausage months ago. This was so nice it was outrageous.

"Anyone else?" Glynda – or G, or Glyndy, or whatever she wanted to be called now – asked. She turned towards him. "Jauney? Do you feel up to it, darling?"

A snicker went up throughout the crowd, and Jaune felt himself flush red… right before Glynda's gaze turned downright murderous.

"What was that?" she asked, her tone somehow darkening despite the fact that it was still scarily jovial. "For a moment there, I could have sworn I heard some of you laughing at _my _boyfriend. But I know that isn't true, because then I would have to use my semblance to skin you all alive and rub your exposed muscles down with salt. And we wouldn't want that – your parents would surely complain, and I might lose my tenure. _Might._"

The muted laughter died completely at that. Glynda turned back to Jaune, looking a bit too satisfied with herself.

"How about it, Jaune? Still up for it?"

"O-of course," Jaune said, rising from his seat.

"Ah, excellent! Do your best, both of you!"

Him and Yang rose from their seats, Yang creeping up beside him to whisper in his ear.

"Dude, Miss Goodwitch is even scarier than usual. What the hell did you do to her?"

"I have no idea," Jaune honestly replied.

Yang thought for a moment, then shrugged. "Well, whatever the case may be, let's make this a good fight. I want to see how much you've improved."

Jaune just sighed at that. He knew how this fight was going to go already – Yang was one of the best fighters in their year, and he… well, to put it simply, he once accidentally shot himself despite not even using a gun as his main weapon. He still wasn't sure how that happened in the first place.

"Combatants ready?" Glynda asked as they both took up positions across from each other.

"Ready," they both replied, though only Yang seemed to have any kind of enthusiasm for it. It made sense to him, at least – nobody was ever enthusiastic to get their ass kicked.

"Begin!" Glynda called.

Jaune immediately brought his shield up, bracing for the impact of Yang launching herself towards him… only to be confused when it never came. Instead, he heard a crash. Chancing a look, he found that Yang was on the floor, looking very pissed… with her shoelaces tied together.

"What the hell?!" Yang called out.

"Oh my, what a shame," Glynda said. Her tone of voice made it clear that she didn't actually think it was a shame. "It would seem Miss Xiao Long has forgotten the golden rule of combat: be aware of your surroundings. Also, wear laceless boots."

Another snicker went up through the class, and Jaune just stared at Glynda in shock. He could already see where this was going… and honestly, he wasn't tempted to do anything about it in the slightest.

Sure, he liked Yang, but her constantly calling him Vomit Boy got old quick. Oh, and he also didn't want to risk pissing off his girlfriend, both because his father had warned him to never piss off a woman with a hair-trigger temper, and because his pelvis still hadn't fully recovered from last time, and that was a very dangerous mix. So instead he was content to simply sit back and watch as Yang got a taste of her own medicine.

Speaking of which, the blonde brawler finally succeeded in untangling her shoelaces and rose to her feet, her eyes flashing red. She raised one of her gauntlets to fire a shot off at him… and got a click rather than a bang. She stared at her weapons in dismay.

"Lesson number two, class," Glynda said absentmindedly as she checked her fingernails. "Always be sure to pack good ammunition."

Yang let out a growl of frustration. "So, it's gonna be like that, huh? Well, I don't need my weapons to beat him!"

She began to angrily stomp towards Jaune, who once again brought his shield up to guard himself… which she promptly ripped out of his hands and threw away. Jaune couldn't help but let out a small yelp.

_Oh yeah, she's mad._

Well, so much for having her take it easy on him. Yang cocked her fist back, and he winced, drawing back as he closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable. He heard her arm come whistling through the air directly towards his face, and-

"Weekend detention, Miss Xiao Long."

Immediately, Yang froze, turning to stare at Glynda in surprise. "What?! What'd I do?!"

"Oh, come now, don't act like you don't know," Glynda chastised, her tone remaining as cheery as it had been all class. "Or did you think I wouldn't find out about you texting in class?"

"Come on! You can't be serious!"

"I'm very serious. I will see you this Saturday at nine o' clock sharp."

Yang growled once more, but again turned back towards Jaune, bringing her fist back. This was it, then – this was how he died. Yang was going to take all her anger out on him. His face was going to look like a pancake, and Nora was probably going to try and eat it, and then he would truly be dead, because that girl had a black hole for a stomach.

"Another weekend detention, Miss Xiao Long."

Yang again looked back to Glynda in dismay, but Glynda was barely even paying attention. Yang's eyes narrowed, and she sighed in defeat. Lowering her fists, she turned to Jaune.

"...Fine, I'll play this game. Jaune, hit me."

Jaune was taken aback. "What?"

"Hit me!" Yang demanded. "She's going to keep doing this until you do, so just-"

That was all he needed to hear. Jaune raised his sword and swung it, bashing her against the side of the head with it. To his surprise, Yang went flying, soaring out of the ring and into a nearby wall, where she left a huge crater before slipping off and landing on the floor with a groan. Jaune stared at his sword in amazement as the buzzer sounded.

"The winner is Jaune Arc," Glynda said, almost absentmindedly. "Class dismissed."

"W-what?" Weiss asked tentatively. "But we still have-"

"Class. Dismissed."

They all knew better than to try and argue with her. Everyone scrambled to quickly pack their things and leave, with Team RWBY pausing only to pick up Yang and go. Jaune went to follow after them, only for Glynda to stop him.

He felt nothing but fear.

"And where do you think you're going?" she questioned, her tone still not having lost its cheer.

"U-umm..." Jaune said. "...Going after my-"

"Are you, now? You're not even going to stay for your reward?"

"R-reward?"

"Of course. I'd say your first victory in combat class deserves one, wouldn't you?" She grinned at him. It had far too many teeth for his liking. "But don't worry – I'll be gentle this time."

She was not gentle this time.

* * *

They were all talking, but he didn't care – it was too much of a struggle to even stay awake at this point, let alone try to listen to them as well. Jaune let out a wide yawn before lowering his head down onto the table and closing his eyes, intending to get a bit of sleep.

"Jaune?"

He groaned when he heard Pyrrha's voice. "Yes, Pyrrha?"

"Are you… feeling okay?"

Now, Jaune liked Pyrrha. Really, he did. But that was one of the dumbest things he had ever heard anyone say, and he had overheard Weiss and Blake's arguments about the White Fang. Cracking one eye open, he turned towards her, and she flinched back when she saw the black rings under his eyes.

"Geez," Nora observed. "She's really got you on a tight leash, huh? Man, I didn't think Professor Good-"

"Sssh!" Jaune said, darting forward and clamping his hand over her mouth. "Don't say her name! You'll summon her!"

"Is this really a sign of a working relationship?" Weiss questioned. "I mean, you're hiding from your girlfriend. Seems to me like you two should break up."

Jaune laughed darkly at that. "Oh, Weiss, you have no idea how dumb that is. No, I know better than that, for two reasons. Number one: if I break up with Glynda, she'll go on a rampage. Do you know what I've had to talk her out of trying in the bedroom? My ass would no longer be safe."

"That's disgusting."

"You're telling me. Anyway, number two: if I break up with her, there goes all the good times."

"But she's running you ragged," Blake observed. "I mean, sure, incredibly kinky sex seems like a great time, but is it really worth the rest of this?"

"You wouldn't understand, Blake," he replied, shaking his head.

"Try me. I think you all know what I'm into."

"No, you wouldn't understand because you've never had _good _kinky sex. Unless you want to tell me that Adam Taurus is a master of being sensual and sexy?"

"...Okay, fine, you've got me," Blake conceded. "Also, I'd appreciate it if you didn't bring up my psycho ex."

"And I'd appreciate it if you all let me get some shut-eye before my next inevitable round of dick destruction with my girlfriend, in… uh, how long before Combat Class?"

"Like five minutes," Yang replied.

Jaune groaned. Great, this called for drastic measures. Reaching into his pocket, Jaune pulled out a bottle of pills, uncapped it, and took two. Everyone gave him a confused look.

"Jaune, I know you're stressed, but drugs are no way to cope!" Ruby shouted.

"They're not drugs," Jaune said. "Unless you count Viagra as a drug."

Ren cocked an eyebrow. "Isn't that stuff really bad for you if you don't need it?"

"Yeah, so it's a good thing I need it." Jaune stood up, and everyone recoiled, with Yang even covering Ruby's eyes.

"Dude, put that thing away!" Yang shouted. "Nobody wants to see your boner!"

"My girlfriend does."

"Well, Glyn-"

"Uh, She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named-Lest-She-Be-Summoned, please."

"...She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named-Lest-She-Be-Summoned isn't here right now, and trust me, nobody else wants to see your bulge in your pants!"

"Speak for yourself," Pyrrha muttered, tugging at her collar.

Unfortunately for her, Jaune was tired, so he wasn't paying attention. Truly, being Pyrrha is nothing but suffering. Moment of silence for our girl.

Anyway, Jaune merely waved Yang off. "Trust me, this is something I have to do if I want to survive and also get some."

"You know, there's an easy solution here," Ren said. "Just take a break from-"

Jaune actually laughed, shaking his head. "Oh, Ren. Ren, Ren, Ren. Spoken like a true virgin."

"I'm sorry?"

"No, there's nothing to be sorry for – you can't blame yourself for not getting any. But once you do, you'll understand."

"Don't act like you're on a higher level of understanding than the rest of us just because you can get your dick wet."

"Oh, but I am. I see the world through different eyes now. Specifically, through my one eye. Everything looks much pinker than I thought. Moist, too. Maybe a bit of blonde hair."

"What are you even saying right now?" Ruby asked.

"I don't know, I'm so sleep-deprived that all of my sentences are coming out like word soup. Also, since when was there two of you?"

"Okay, buddy," Nora said, stepping forward. "I think that's enough pussy for you for about a month. C'mon, let's get you to the nurse's office."

"What for? Sleeping pills?"

"Probably. First we're probably going to have to deal with what's going on in your pants. Nice one, by the way."

"Thanks, I grew it myself. Anyway, you're probably right – I'm starting to feel lightheaded. I think the Viagra has caused all the blood to rush into my dick. And despite what you all may think, it is not based, it is cringe. So just tell Glynda I give her my regards, but I'm taking a break."

He immediately paused, eyes widening at what he had just done. He turned back to his friends, who were giving him a horrified look.

"...Shit," he muttered.

That was all he got before Glynda came bursting through the wall, panting wildly. She looked all around the room, searching for him. Jaune stayed completely still. It was a little-known fact, but he had figured out that horny!Glynda's vision was based almost entirely on movement, probably because she liked the thrill of the chase a bit too much.

"Stay calm," Nora whispered, "or we're all dead, and you're literally fucked."

Jaune said and did nothing, instead remaining stock still. Glynda sniffed the air, searching for him, then let out an irritated grunt. For a moment, it all seemed okay.

And then, from the back of the room, Cardin spoke.

"Oh, fuck this! I'm out!"

He tried to run, but Glynda was on him in an instant, pinning him up against the wall with her semblance. He began to loudly whimper in fear as she stomped over to him, her aura radiating pure death.

"Boyfriend," she stated, her voice low. "Where. Is. My. Boyfriend?"

Cardin tried to resist, he really did. But nobody could stand up to Glynda's mixture of horniness and malice. It only took a few seconds before he broke.

"He's over by the door! He just took a Viagra – focus on the pulsating heartbeat within his throbbing erection and you'll find him!"

Glynda did exactly that, standing upright and focusing. And then, to Jaune's horror, she turned towards him, her gaze narrowing.

Nora sighed then shrugged. "Well, it was worth a shot. Run, boy!"

Jaune didn't need to be told anymore. He instantly took off running, convinced that Glynda would be right behind him… only to find that an obstacle had gotten in his way.

"Pyrrha, what are you doing?!"

"Saving you!" she replied, holding Glynda at bay with her shield. "Run, Jaune!"

"Pyrrha, this is no time to be a simp!" Ren shouted. "Glynda will kill you!"

"Better dead than having my feelings ignored! I won't let this Nondescript Winter Holiday Cake steal my rightful man anymore!"

Glynda growled at that, but Pyrrha was unperturbed. "Well?! Bring it on, you boomer!"

That was the cue for all hell to break loose. Glynda redoubled her efforts, using her semblance to launch Pyrrha through a nearby wall as she chased after her. Jaune watched in a combination of awe and fear as his girlfriend and his partner commenced a running battle through Beacon's halls, causing untold destruction with every passing moment. Jaune quickly took off after them… though he had to pause when he passed by Ozpin, who was walking as if nothing had happened.

After a quick double-take, Jaune jogged back over to Ozpin. "Uh, Ozpin, sir?"

"Yes, Mister Arc?" the headmaster asked, sipping on his cocoa.

"...Aren't you going to do something about this?"

Ozpin actually seemed offended. "Why, Mister Arc, I wasn't aware that you wanted me to die today."

"What? But I don't-"

"Please. I have no intentions of getting in Glynda's ways, not when she's in one of her moods. I daresay that this is even worse than the time General Ironwood broke up with her, and we're still redoing the Dust chemistry lab from when that happened."

Well, that was something Jaune didn't need to hear. His disappointment must have shown on his face, because Ozpin just waved him off.

"Run along now."

"So, that's it?" Jaune asked. "You're not even going to try?"

"No."

"But she'll kill Pyrrha!"

"Better her than me. I'm sure you understand."

Jaune let out a frustrated growl, then gave his headmaster a furious look before taking off running after his girlfriend and Pyrrha. It wasn't hard to find them, he just followed the trail of destruction. And what a trail of destruction it was – the entire school looked as if it had been inverted and then inverted again. All throughout the halls, the wallpaper had been stripped off, fixtures had been ripped off the walls, the floors and ceilings were marred by deep gouges, and any students who had been unlucky enough to be caught in the crossfire were boasting thousand-yard stares, along with having most of their clothing shredded like this was some kind of shitty cartoon.

Pushing the image of a naked Team CRDL out of his head, Jaune continued chasing after the two of them, finally arriving at the epicenter of the chaos: the Combat Class classroom.

_Of course a creature as territorial as Glynda would naturally fall back to her own habitat._

The room, to put it simply, was a disaster. It looked like a bomb had gone off inside a hurricane, and that hurricane had gone off inside a tornado, and that tornado had been burped out by Nora after she ate an entire case of Lightning Dust. It was, to put it simply, sheer pandemonium – it was barely recognizable as a classroom. The desks were all little more than splinters, the walls were barely standing, and the ceiling was completely gone.

And in the center of the arena, two titans clashed.

"Stay aware from my man!" Glynda screamed as she launched herself at Pyrrha.

"Okay, boomer!" Pyrrha replied in a sing-song voice, blocking the incoming strike.

"He's mine, not yours!"

"Whatever you say, boomer!"

"And stop singing that stupid song!"

"Oki doki, boomer!"

Glynda let out an irritated shout as she once more flew towards Pyrrha, apparently so enraged that she had decided that using her semblance wasn't satisfying enough, instead opting to go hands-on. To her credit, it was taking everything Pyrrha had simply to avoid being pasted anyway, and Jaune could tell that she wasn't going to last much longer.

"Just give up, Pyrrha," Glynda sneered, their weapons once more locked together. "You can't win."

Pyrrha simply glared at her, and in a voice full of as much venom as she could muster, gave her response.

"10-4, dinosaur!"

That seemed to be the straw that broke the camel's back, as Glynda stopped holding back. Her face contorted in rage, and her semblance sprang to life once more. Pyrrha's weapons were surrounded in a purple glow before they were sent flying through one of the many holes in the room (narrowly missing a very-traumatized Velvet in the process), leaving Pyrrha defenseless. Glynda wasn't done, though – she raised her riding crop, and-

"Glynda, stop or else!" Jaune shouted.

For the first time, Glynda took notice of him. Her eyes widened in confusion, though her face lit up in excitement only a moment later.

"Jauney!" she said happily. "You're just in time for me to kill this boyfriend-stealing harlot!"

Pyrrha spat in her face, earning her a glare once more. Again, Glynda raised her crop. This wasn't good – Jaune was going to have to use the nuclear option.

"Glynda, if you don't let her go right now, we're over!"

That had the desired effect. Glynda instantly let Pyrrha go, unceremoniously dropping her to the ground in a heap. She looked over at Jaune, stunned.

"W-what…?" Glynda asked. "Jaune, what did you-"

"I mean it," Jaune said, glaring at her. "I'm… I'm so tired of it all, Glynda. The rough sex, the territorial behavior, the assplay, the trying to kill my partner… but mostly the assplay."

She simply stared at him, much like a puppy that had been kicked. Slowly, she shrank in on herself, looking down to the floor.

"I… I had no idea..." she muttered. Her lip began to quiver. "I'm… sorry, Jaune."

Jaune nodded in understanding, then rushed over to Pyrrha, who was shakily rising to her feet. Pyrrha let out a groan, clutching at her head. Jaune got there quickly, checking her over for injuries.

"Are you okay, Pyrrha? She didn't hurt you too bad, did she?"

Pyrrha shook her head. "N-no… Gods, I didn't think it would be that bad..."

Jaune let out a breath at that, then turned back to his girlfriend. "Glynda, are you-"

To his surprise, she wasn't standing there silently anymore. Rather, her head was lowered, and she was silently crying. Immediately, he frowned, knowing he had fucked up.

"Glynda?" Jaune asked, stretching a hand out towards her. "Are you-"

That was as far as he got before she took off running. Glynda was gone in an instant, leaving behind a small trail of tears behind her. He watched her go, then brought a hand up to his face and cursed to himself.

_Gods damn it…_

* * *

It had been a few days since Glynda had run off crying, and to say Jaune felt like a piece of shit about it would be an understatement. Truthfully, he felt like a complete asshole – like he had not only stolen a small child's candy, but also kicked their puppy right in front of them. He felt almost as bad as that time when he accidentally ate Ruby's last cinnamon-strawberry cookie and she had actually started crying over it.

_Why do I have an uncanny ability to make girls cry?  
_

Honestly, this was just one of those things that made him feel like the universe's chew toy. It was almost as if there was some third-party entity making all of this happening for their own amusement, and he truly was a cosmic plaything.

_I don't know who you are, but I just want you to know that one day I will find you, and I will kill you, and there's nothing you'll be able to do about it because you're probably a worthless drunk._

He had no idea how right he actually was, but that was neither here nor there.

Also, good fucking luck, you little blonde bitch. I literally have a FAL right next to me at this exact moment. You ain't got nothing, you sword-using shitbird.

Anyway, the point was that he felt like absolute garbage at the moment, and it must have showed because everyone else was giving him a sympathetic look.

Well, except for Pyrrha, who wouldn't stop giving him bedroom eyes. And while he might have been all over that at one point, now his heart belonged to another, no matter how much she seemed to want the D.

"You alright, man?" Nora asked.

Jaune sighed. "No, I'm not. I'm really not, Nora."

"Really? I mean, I figured that since your psycho girlfriend is gone-"

"See, that's what none of you get – yes, she was psycho. Yes, she could be very demanding in bed. Yes, she had certain unorthodox tastes-"

"I'll say," Yang interjected. "How sore is your ass, by the way? I mean, since you were dumb enough to ignore our warnings."

And he was going to ignore that, too… but honestly, it was still pretty sore. They definitely weren't going to be doing that again, no matter how much she begged or pleaded or offered blowjobs in return for it.

Of course, that was assuming they were even still a thing, which he was pretty certain wasn't the case anymore. But then again, much like distracting Blake with a laser pointer until the batteries died, all good things must inevitably come to an end.

"...Well, all that aside," Jaune continued, "she's still my girlfriend, and I love her. And I'd appreciate it if you all didn't act like this is some big win, because it's really not."

"Yes, it is," Weiss pointed out. "You can get with Pyrrha now, and something tells me she doesn't have an interest in putting foreign objects into orifices where they don't belong."

"That's right, I definitely don't," Pyrrha said vehemently, before pausing. "...I mean, unless you want me to, Jaune. Because then, oh yeah, I'd totally do it."

Jaune frowned. "Okay, Pyrrha."

"Like, you have no idea. You want assplay? I'll give you assplay – _with _a reach-around, too. I'm talking full-on, prostate-smashing anal."

"Yes, I know."

"Like, you wouldn't believe it. I'd be topping you so fucking hard, Jaune. It'd be amazing. You have no idea."

"Well, thanks for the offer, but I'm not into you like that, and I'm _really _not into being on the receiving end of what you're offering."

"Seriously, all you have to do is ask, and I'd pound your ass into oblivion. You wouldn't be able to walk straight for a week. I'd ride you like a rodeo bull – uh, no offense, Blake."

"None taken," Blake commented. "Honestly, Adam could probably use something stuck up there. Maybe it'd mellow him out."

"Look, can we please stop talking about assplay?" Jaune begged.

"Well, alright," Pyrrha conceded. "But I just want you to know-"

"Yes, I get it, Pyrrha. But honestly, I'm not into it at all… and for that matter, I'm not into you at all, since I already have a girlfriend."

"You sure about that?" Ruby asked. "I mean, you did make her run off crying. Generally that's the end of the relationship. I mean, just ask Yang's mom."

"He can't, because she ran off crying," Yang pointed out. "Because she's a huge bitch who pussied out of raising her own kid."

"Look," Jaune stated, "not that I don't appreciate the weird tangents you're all going on-"

"Like, who does that? How could someone just leave her kid behind while she goes off to live with bandits? That's bullshit."

"Can we please stay on topic-"

"That's almost as bad as those parents who get their kids involved in child beauty pageants."

"Guys-"

"Don't forget about streaming service original movies," Ren interjected.

"Okay, now you're all just hopping on trends and memes that aren't even funny anymore-"

"Oh, you just had to bring that shit up, Ren." Yang rolled her eyes. "Talk about bad taste. I can't believe-"

"Shut up!" Jaune shouted, having gotten fed up with everything going on around him. Seriously, there's only so much talk about random bullshit and assplay that you can take before you lose your cool.

Everyone stared at him in surprise while he sat there, seething. After several seconds, he calmed down, taking a deep breath before looking back at all of them.

"Now then," he began. "Perhaps you all could stop trying to distract me and instead focus on what's important?"

"We are," Weiss replied. "Jaune, we're trying to keep you from making a huge mistake. Think about it – you're dating _Goodwitch. _She has _all _the fetishes, as you're no doubt already aware. We're trying to save you from making things worse."

"Like I said, her tastes are unorthodox – _very _unorthodox – but I can deal if it means keeping her happy. Plus, she's careful to offer something in return, so it's not like I'm just letting her experiment for free. And even I have my limits."

"...Wait a second," Nora said. "If you have your limits, doesn't that mean that you could have stopped her from trying out ass-"

"As I was saying," Jaune hurriedly said, "this is an arrangement that I'm actually pretty okay with, and I'd like to keep it going."

"But why?" Yang asked. "Think about it, Jaune – Pyrrha is _right there. _She's Pyrrha Nikos, and she's horny for you."

"Gods know I am," Pyrrha said, nodding. "I'm just sopping wet down there for you, Jaune. I want your dick in me. Just, you know, stick it in there and knock me up. Go ahead and just paint my insides white with your spunk, until an ivory river flows from between my thighs. Breed me all you want – I will gladly be your broodmare if it means I get to hop on that Arc dick. We'll make lots of beautiful Arkos babies together, I just know it."

Jaune couldn't help but shudder. It was just unnatural, being chased like that. Now he knew how girls felt whenever some creep dropped a nasty-ass pickup line on them.

"...Wait, hold on," he began, eyes widening. "Have you all been playing wingman… for Pyrrha?"

"Duh," Ruby said. "Jaune, come on. Just go with Pyrrha. We're trying to do you both a favor."

"...Okay, I don't know if you've all thought this through."

"What do you mean?" Blake asked.

"Well, think about it – if this relationship ends, I'll have broken up with Glynda. As in, Glynda the psycho teacher. Glynda, the one who's in charge of setting up fights. Glynda, the one who's already scary. I mean, as of now, we're not officially broken up. If we ever did break up, well… I mean, you've all heard the stories of what happened when her and Ironwood split up, and it wasn't pretty. Now factor in that she's a lot closer to me than she was to Ironwood, and… well..."

He trailed off, but that was enough. Around the table, he watched as everyone's eyes widened in surprise. They seemed to have realized what they were doing, and just how bad it would go for them if they actually went through with it. They all exchanged a glance, and then slowly turned back to him.

"...Jaune," Ren began, "My homie. My bro. My main man. We need you to do us a big favor."

"Oh? And what would that be?"

"Go get back together with Glynda, or we're all dead."

"Ren!" Pyrrha protested. "You're supposed to be helping me get some!"

"Yeah, fuck that. I've got my own ass to watch out for right now, and so does everyone else. Anyway, Jaune, you know what to do."

"...Uh, no I don't," Jaune pointed out. "Otherwise I'd be doing it."

Weiss rolled her eyes. "Okay, I'll give it to you straight: go up to her, admit you fucked up, say you're sorry, and ask her if she wants you back. Then do whatever it takes to repair the relationship."

"Is it really that simple?"

"Jaune, she's close to being an old maid. The only woman I've ever met who rivals her in thirst is my own mother, and she's trapped in a loveless marriage with the world's worst husband, so she at least has an excuse. You're literally the only person in the world who can put up with Professor Goodwitch. I think she'll be able to find it in her heart to forgive you."

Well, that was certainly a confidence boost. Letting out a sigh, Jaune rose from his seat at the lunch table.

"Alright, I'm going. Wish me luck, guys."

They all did except Pyrrha, but that was okay because Jaune was probably going to get a restraining order on her later today.

_Seriously, that girl is fucking creepy._

* * *

Jaune stood outside of Glynda's office/room, not really knowing how to proceed. Sure, it made sense in his head – just knock on the door and admit he fucked up and he should be good… but he knew that it was going to take more than that. A _lot _more than that.

_Still, it would be a good start, I suppose._

That, and he really didn't want to risk Glynda going on a rampage once the initial wave of sadness wore off. So, steeling himself, Jaune raised a hand and gently knocked on the door. A muffled 'go away' greeted him from the other side, and he frowned.

"Glynda, it's Jaune. Could you open up, please? I want to talk to you."

At first, he wasn't sure that she would actually do it, and he wouldn't even blame her if she didn't, considering how badly he had fucked up. Thankfully, that proved not to be the case – from the other side of the door, he heard her moving around before the lock was undone and the door opened, revealing her in all her glory.

She looked… well, not good. Obviously, she had been crying, and she hadn't really been taking care of herself otherwise, either. Again, he didn't blame her – it was her first real breakup since Ironwood, so obviously it was going to hit her hard. That just deepened his resolve to make things right with her.

Taking a breath, Jaune glanced back at her, determination filling him. He was going to set things straight if it was the last thing he did, he owed her that much at least.

"Glynda, I'm sorry," he began. "I shouldn't have blown up at you. It was wrong of me, and-"

"Was it?" she asked, taking him by surprise. She looked away, ashamed. "I… I didn't realize you didn't actually like what I was doing to you. I thought you were just playing hard to get. If I had known..."

"No!" Jaune quickly replied. "Glynda, I like you. I really, really do. Sure, sometimes you take it a little far, but I'd have let you know if it was anything I was really uncomfortable with."

She perked up at that. "...So, all that time, you really were playing hard to get?"

"...Well, I wouldn't go that far, but trust me when I say that if I didn't want it, I would have made that perfectly clear."

Man, now he felt like an asshole. And to think that some people actually liked it when others played hard to get. Since when was a lack of communication in a relationship a good thing?

Anyway, Glynda seemed to at least be a bit cheerier after that. If nothing else, she was now much less glum than she had been. She sniffled softly before placing her hands on her hips.

"Well, okay," she said. "But I'm still upset. You were far more concerned about Pyrrha than you were about me."

"Because I know you, and I know that Pyrrha didn't stand a chance," Jaune said. "You are the baddest bitch in Vale, Glynda. Nobody holds a candle to you. Why, I'll bet that if the White Fang were to attack the school, you could hold them all of on your own. I mean, look at what your semblance is capable of – it's ridiculous."

Again, she perked up at that. "...Well, I suppose I _am _stronger than just about anyone else in school..." she muttered.

"Anyway, the point is, I know you don't need me to keep an eye out for you – you're stronger than that. But I understand why you're upset that I didn't, and I'm sorry. So I'm going to make it up to you."

"You are? Might I ask how?"

Oh, he was glad she asked. It was time to put those dancing skills to good work, along with the fact that she couldn't get enough of him. It was time for the nuclear option – the one thing that he was sure was going to get her so riled up that she had no other choice but to fall into his arms like a horny schoolgirl.

It was time for the sexy striptease.

Jaune didn't say anything, instead smirking slightly as he began to tug at the collar of his school uniform, loosening it. Glynda raised an eyebrow, but he just held up a hand, stopping her.

"You'll know when you can touch," he said, causing her to back down.

With that established, he moved on. The blazer came off, and as it did, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his scroll, searching for the one song he knew would get her. It was crude, crass, unashamedly lewd, and the repertoire he had picked out actually went completely against the song's actual message, but he knew that combined with his visuals, she wouldn't be able to resist. If she was a lioness, then he was now the juicy T-bone.

He tapped play on his scroll and set it down, and as the song's electronic bass drum started up, Jaune went to work. He began to sway his hips in time with the music, reaching for his belt at the same time. Glynda's eyes widened as she realized what was happening, and Jaune's smirk widened.

_That's right, girl – keep your eyes on the prize and your mind off of gutting my friends with your semblance._

The belt came off, dropped to the ground as the first verse came in. Jaune continued to dance along with it, though now he moved on to his shirt, undoing a new button with every passing bar. Once it got to the oh-so-famous chorus, the shirt was off entirely, and while he had first moved to undo his pants, he instead decided to forgo it instead of approaching Glynda, taking her hands in his as he mouthed along to the lyrics.

"I wanna fuck you like an animal," he whispered, making her eyes go wide. "I wanna feel you from the inside."

She stared at him, seemingly unsure of what to think… but only for a moment. After that, it was like a switch had gone off in her head, and someone had turned on the faucet in her underwear. She was all over him in an instant, and Jaune couldn't help but feel smug.

It died when she leaned in to whisper into his ear.

"The safety word is 'Ozpin's coffee.'"

It was going to be a long night.

* * *

It was, in fact, a long night. Glynda hadn't given him a break at all, not that he had requested one. Yes, he was a degenerate, fucking sue him.

Anyway, things were now back to normal… well, relatively so. As normal as they could probably be, given the situation.

Which is to say that Glynda had decided that she couldn't risk losing him ever again, and so she was going to follow him everywhere except the bathroom, and even then only because he had specifically – _very _specifically – requested that she not do it, and she had agreed due to reasons of common decency.

Good to know that even she had her limits.

All that aside, they were currently in the cafeteria, eating breakfast before class… and Glynda was there with them, sitting next to him with her hand in his, and her head leaned against his shoulder. And it was awkward for everyone.

"So," Jaune began, "anyone catch the new Spruce Willis movie yet?"

Nobody said anything, likely because they were worried of offending him and calling down Glynda's wrath upon themselves. Unfortunately, that was the wrong move.

"Someone should probably answer Jaune's question," Glynda said, her voice coming out slightly dreamily. "Unless I need to start-"

That was as far as she got before they all started to frantically answer. She sighed in contentment, while Jaune also sighed, though his was out of exasperation.

This was his life now, apparently – the boytoy to the scariest woman in the world, who would move heaven and earth to make him happy and also keep him to herself. Woe betide anyone who try to claim him, for he was now basically connected to Glynda at the hip, and not just in the figurative sense.

As if on cue, Pyrrha tried to sneak her hand over to his, though she didn't get far before Glynda cracked one eye open and actually growled at her, bared teeth and all. Pyrrha recoiled, pulling her hand back; Glynda immediately calmed down, her angry expression disappearing as she closed her eyes and sighed contentedly yet again. Pyrrha, thinking it was clear, tried again, only for Glynda to once again open one eye and growl at her, forcing her to pull back. Seeing it, Jaune couldn't help but sigh tiredly.

At least Glynda made him happy.

* * *

**RIP EVH.**

**About fucking time I get to Glynda, good God. You people have been asking about her for God knows how long and I'm just now getting around to her.**

**Anyway, Glynda is fun to work with. I think it was pretty clear how this chapter was going to go, but I had a good time with her all the same. **

**I'm thinking that we're about overdue for a sequel chapter, wouldn't you agree? I'll try to push one of those out soon. I know I said I'd do one for Yang, one for Raven/Vernal, and a prequel for Weiss, plus a rewrite of Ruby's chapter. That makes four that I have to do, so I'll see if I can't get one of them out next time. It's also been a hot minute since we've seen an R63 character, so I'll see see what I can do there as well. I've certainly got some ideas for a few of those that seem like they'll be a lot of fun, so I'm excited to work with them again.**

**Aside from that, I apologize in advance if it takes me longer than usual to respond to your reviews this time. I'm moving into a new place this weekend, so most of my time will be spent getting set up there. I'm looking forward to it – my old apartment kind of sucked ass, and while this new place is more out-of-the-way than I'm used to, it makes up for it by being nicer, bigger, and cheaper. I'll also have a roommate once again, which is great because living alone was starting to get old, especially when bills started to come due. If nothing else, I'll at least be able to have some fun playing with his pet cat.**

**Next update: Saturday, October 31. Huh. Maybe I should do something to commemorate the occasion, that could be fun.**


	26. The Ruby Chapter You Actually Wanted

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 25: Ruby (Redone), or: The Ruby Chapter You Actually Wanted

* * *

Jaune had never been one to look a gift horse in the mouth. He was smart enough to know when he had a good thing going, and that he ought to keep it going. Now was no exception – it hadn't exactly been hard to get Ruby to start being his girlfriend, but the last thing he wanted was to risk the relationship ending. The two of them were a great fit together, to the point that even Yang seemed to love the idea of the two of them going out. Granted, that was also because they were both huge dorks and she got to make fun of them for it, but still, the fact that she wasn't acting like some stereotypical overprotective big sister and trying to chase Jaune down with a shotgun truly meant a lot to him.

Anyway, the point was that Jaune was quite happy with his relationship with Ruby, and he didn't want it to end.

Now, that being said, it wasn't all smooth sailing. Ruby was really cute, sure, but she was also really, _really _awkward, somewhat shy, and more than a little weird. And it showed constantly.

"Jaune, Jaune! It's starting!"

Case in point.

The two of them were currently lying in Ruby's bed, which somehow wasn't about to give out despite the fact that they were almost certainly exceeding the weight limit that those thin ropes were capable of holding up. Ruby's scroll was in front of them, leaning against a small tower of textbooks to keep it upright, all while a video loaded on it. Jaune simply stared at the loading screen before sighing.

_I can't believe she actually wants me to do this._

Slowly, he turned back to his girlfriend, who was in the process of stripping down. She had pulled off everything save for her underwear, and was currently fiddling with her strawberry-print bra. Admittedly, it was very cute, but that didn't change the fact that this was one of the weirdest things anyone had ever asked him to do.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked.

She paused before looking back at him, surprised. "Yeah? Is something wrong?"

_Yes. _"No, it's just… well… most people who do this kind of thing prefer to do it to porn."

"Why would I need porn? I have you."

She gestured to him, more specifically the parts of him that were clad only in his boxer shorts. Admittedly, she had him there.

"...Still, this is kind of-"

"Out of the ordinary?"

"Yes, let's go with that. But if you're sure it's what you want-"

"Oh, I'm more than sure. This is gonna be awesome, I can just tell. And I won't forget our deal, either – you do this for me, and I'll give you a night worth remembering."

That actually made him shiver a bit in anticipation. One might think that Ruby Rose – little socially awkward, shy, somewhat introverted, and admittedly pretty strange, not to mention childish – was incapable of being sexy. To a certain extent, they were right, but not right now. Right now, it was one of those rare moments where she wasn't trying to force it. No, this was all natural. And Jaune loved it.

"...Alright, then," he conceded. "If you're ready-"

"Shh, it's starting!" she said excitedly.

Quickly, she reached under the covers and pulled off her panties, which she tossed to the side. Jaune cast a quick glance over at the video to confirm that it was playing before figuring that he had better get started, and ducked under the covers as he waited for the signal.

"_Hi guys, thanks for tuning in to another video on Lost Weapons dot com. I'm Ian McBollum, and I'm here today at the Patch Island Auction Company taking a look at a few of the guns they're going to be selling at their upcoming April premier firearms auction..."_

That was his cue to get to work, specifically with his mouth, which he did as best as he could. It was hard, though – not only was he not all that experienced with it, but his girlfriend's vocalizations combined with the noises coming from the video were making it really, really difficult to keep his focus. Still, he managed – the history part wasn't too bad, all things considered.

But the disassembly part was where shit started to get to be a bit much.

"_Now, let's take it apart."  
_

"O-oh..." Ruby said, letting out a little squeak. "I-Ian, if you p-pull that gun's action out, I'm gonna… gonna..."

_"There are just a couple of spring-loaded little tabs, so I push those in and I can pull off the front part of the body housing, which is just this hollow plastic block..."  
_

"A-ah..."

_"...And there is our barrel. All the bulk out front is actually just there to house that guy."_

"O-oh, G-Gods..."

"_We do the same thing on the back. There's a tab here and a tab here, and we can pull off the back. This one is also completely hollow – you can see the little cover for the charging port right there, the ejection port..."  
_

"C-charge my ejection port, Jaune..."

_Good Gods, this is awful, _Jaune thought to himself. _But at least she's into it. That's gotta be worth at least some points in my favor._

"_And that's it for that guy."  
_

"O-oh Gods, h-here it comes… I'm gonna… Gonna…!"

_"And then we've got this… thing. So, this is the infamous action of the gun."_

"AAAAGH!"

And just like that, it was over. Jaune wiped his face clean on the sheets before coming out from under the covers and between her legs. Ruby was lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling and panting, looking very much like she'd just had the ride of her life.

_I think I can actually see little hearts in her eyes. And to think I used to believe that only happened in shitty visual novels._

Jaune cleared his throat. "So, how was-"

That was as far as he got before she seemed to snap herself out of her stupor, suddenly jumping up and pulling him in for a kiss. She held him there for a few seconds before finally breaking away, giving him a very sultry look in the process.

"Well, that was fun," she said. "But now I think I want the real thing. And I think you do, too."

Oh, he did. The two of them fell into each other, Jaune pausing only to mute the video, which she thankfully didn't object to.

He had to admit – Lost Weapons and Chill had been weird as hell when she had brought it up to him and when he had actually done it, but he wasn't complaining at the moment.

So long as it made her happy, he was down for anything.

* * *

_On second thought, maybe not anything._

"Alright," Jaune began, "Lost Weapons and Chill? Fine. You know, I get it – you like weapons. But this is… no."

Ruby pouted. "Aw, come on! It's not that weird."

"Ruby, it's one thing to want to drench your body in chocolate syrup and have me lick it off. It's quite another to actually want to be completely covered in sugar and caramel, and have me try to eat it."

"What's not to like?! It's like eating candy, but you also get a naked girl! If you try it, you'll like it!"

"Sorry, but I can't do it. I don't want to have a heart attack at the ripe old age of seventeen. I'm sure you understand."

Ruby sighed, dropping the packet of powdered sugar. "...Well, I suppose that Weiss would probably get mad if I got powdered sugar and caramel all over the place..." She shrugged. "Okay, yeah, I'm starting to see the problem."

That wasn't even remotely what the problem was, but at least she was sort of starting to understand. More importantly, at least he had talked his way out of it.

"So, what now?" Ruby asked. "You still ready to go?"

Well, that was a no-brainer. "Ruby, if it's you, I'll always be ready."

She blushed at that, which because it was Ruby, was very cute. Seriously, Ruby was just the kind of girl where anything she did was cute. She wasn't smoking hot like her sister was, but Ruby was still very attractive in her own right. Most importantly, Jaune felt like the two of them were just a good fit for each other in general – neither of them felt like they were out of each other's league, their personalities meshed really well, they had similar interests and hobbies… it was great. It was almost like there was no downside.

Well, save for one.

As if on cue, the door came flying open. Ruby let out a shriek as she reached for the sheets to cover herself with, while Jaune was left to shield himself with just his hands.

"Hel-looo~" Yang sang.

"Yang, get out!" Ruby shouted, her face turning a bright crimson.

Yang was unperturbed. "I will, I will! I'm just here to pick up some-"

"No! Out now!"

"Hey, this is my room too, little sis."

"Yeah, and I'm using it right now! You all said you would be gone for the night!"

"Well, I forgot something."

"Then go get it and leave!"

The two of them continued to bicker while Jaune just watched from the sidelines, feeling like he should step in but unwilling to actually do it, mainly because he had no idea how to defuse this situation. He didn't expect the two sisters to draw steel against each other or anything, but this was a situation that he had absolutely no idea how to deal with. Sure, he had grown up in a small house with a lot of sisters, but he generally didn't run into anything like this with them – his house had been so small that they had pretty much all realized that if they wanted to get their sex on in private without anyone hearing, they were going to have to head to their significant other's house, because the Arc family's thin walls meant that everyone in the entire house was going to hear you taking cock. Or, in Jaune's case, they were all going to hear him greasing the goblin, so to speak.

Naturally, dinner on the day he had discovered that it felt good to touch his peepee had been a very, very awkward affair.

Anyway, the point was that this was the kind of situation that he had no idea how to even begin to handle, and he was afraid that stepping in would just make things worse.

_It's like Team RWBY at the docks all over again._

Of course, since this was Yang, staying on the sidelines wasn't really an option either.

Yang suddenly turned her attention towards him, a grin crossing over her face. "Damn, Vomit Boy. You're looking good."

He wasn't really sure how to respond to that. "Uh, thanks."

"No, I mean it. All that time in the weight room and training with Pyrrha must be doing wonders. What are you benching and squatting these days?"

"Two plate and three plate, I think."

"Damn, so soon? Your aura must be huge. And you know what they say about guys with big aura. Then again, I guess Ruby would know more about that."

"Alright!" Ruby shouted. "That's it! Get out!"

"Oh, lighten up, Rubes. I'm just trying to have some fun, same as you."

"You can't have fun with my boyfriend!"

"What, you really think I'd try to steal him from you? Get real. I'm just teasing you both."

"Get out!"

"Alright, alright. Geez."

Yang moved over to the door, and for just a moment, it looked like she was actually about to leave. Unfortunately, that wasn't meant to be. Instead, she paused, then turned back around with a grin on her face.

"Before I go," she said, "I have one question."

"Out!" Ruby hissed.

"I will, but let me just ask this one thing, okay? Anyway, what I want to know is-"

"Yang!"

"-Is she a squirter, Jaune?"

That was enough for Ruby to give up all pretenses of civility and launch herself at her sister using her semblance. Yang being the hand-to-hand fighter meant that she was more than capable of defending herself, but she at least seemed to understand when she deserved a beating, and so didn't resist when Ruby started going in on her. Unfortunately for Ruby, she lacked the sheer strength needed to actually break Yang's aura and hurt her, presumably because nobody had ever taught her how to lift weights or even throw a proper punch.

_How do you grow up in an entire family of elite Huntsmen, weightlifters, and hand-to-hand fighters, yet inherit absolutely none of that from any of them?  
_

Jaune loved his girlfriend and all, but sometimes he couldn't help but wonder.

Ruby's shitty hand-to-hand prowess aside, things had devolved into complete pandemonium. Ruby was currently trying (and mostly failing) to beat up her sister, Yang was trying her best not to show how little it actually bothered her, Jaune was still trying to cover himself, and Ruby was still naked. In times like these, there was only one thing to do.

Namely, sit back and let nature run its course.

So, he did. Admittedly, it felt like kind of a shitty thing to do, but come on, how else was he supposed to react to this? It really, truly was like the docks all over again.

_She's gonna be mad at me, I can tell._

* * *

She was, in fact, mad at him.

"Ruby, I'm sorry," Jaune said for what had to have been the hundredth time that day.

Ruby simply harrumphed before turning away, not speaking to him. He sighed and looked over to Yang for help, who actually seemed somewhat concerned.

"Lighten up, Rubes," she said. "It's not like he could have done much, anyway. I mean, if I were him, I wouldn't have wanted to get between the two of us, either."

Typical Yang – doing her best to mess with them one moment, then feeling remorse for fucking things up and trying to help out the next. That was to be expected, though – Yang wasn't on the straight and narrow for fucking anything these days, especially where Blake was concerned.

_I'm convinced that like half the people at this school are only here to experiment with their sexuality and couldn't give less of a shit about actually being Huntsmen. Why else would so many people be more concerned with who's banging who than fighting the forces of evil?_

Not that he was judging, mind you – he was basically doing the same thing.

Anyway, Ruby still wasn't talking to him, which was a problem. Thankfully, he had a solution for it.

"Look, I messed up," he began. "But I'll make it up to you. We'll head to that new bakery that just opened up downtown. It'll be my treat."

The effect was instant. In a moment, Ruby seemed to brighten up, or at least she wasn't nearly as mad at him anymore.

"...That had better be a promise," she said, doing her best to sound angry and failing miserably. It was enough to convince Jaune that Ruby truly didn't know how to actually be truly angry, because much like leaving her alone to try and make friends, she was just so damn bad at it that he could tell the autism was hardwired into her.

He chuckled. "Of course."

And with that, the 'wild' Ruby was tame once more. Yang watched it all before letting out a loud gag and acting like she was retching.

"Blegh! Nerd love!"

Surprisingly, it was Weiss of all people who leaned over and slapped her for it. "Quiet, you oaf! You're ruining their moment!"

"...I'm sorry, did you just go to bat for Jaune and Ruby?" Blake asked.

"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Why, is that strange to you or something?"

"Yes. I know you don't dislike Ruby anymore, but I wasn't aware that you now thought Jaune was at least okay."

"Are you kidding? I still don't like him all that much – one doesn't just get over pickup lines that terrible."

_Thank you for bringing that cringe back to the forefront of my mind, Weiss._

"Anyway, Jaune's still not my favorite person in the world, but he's a master at keeping Ruby away from me, so I find him tolerable in this specific moment, to the point where I would like the relationship to continue."

"Thanks, I guess," Ruby said, sounding about as confused as she did angry… well, 'angry', because as previously established, Ruby didn't know how to actually be truly angry. She was a lot like a puppy or small child, in that respect.

_Never thinking about that again, because it really puts my relationship with her in a much different, much more unfavorable light._

Then again, he supposed that he was just as much of a manchild as she was a womanchild. That and Yang seemed to approve of their relationship, so that showed to him that at the very least, it wasn't considered too weird.

_I wonder if that will change once I turn eighteen._

Truly a question for the ages. He already knew he was going to have to be careful once he became a legal adult, but he just didn't know how careful.

_Man, I sure hope I don't try to do what people in these kinds of serious relationships tend to do, and which we were already doing when we were both still legally classified as minors, and which she would almost certainly still totally want to keep doing even though I turned eighteen, only for us to then find out that we were unknowingly committing a sex crime in the process even though the only thing that changed in our relationship was a very arbitrary date came and went, and suddenly we weren't allowed to have sex anymore, only I didn't know that so I ended up accidentally committing a sex crime because this legal system makes no damn sense, and it completely ruins our relationship and gets me registered as a sex offender, which irreparably ruins my life for no real reason and which mentally scars my girlfriend for life._

_Like, I get why the laws exist and agree with the reason why because all pedophiles deserve a bullet, but that would just be ridiculous. Good thing misunderstandings like that don't happen to people like me, right?_

_...Right?_

Accidental felonies aside, this entire situation was somewhat unbelievable. He didn't think someone like Weiss was actually capable of genuinely not hating someone else. Then again, maybe that had just been the result of his ill-fated pickup lines.

Seriously, talk about cringe. No wonder she had started pining after Neptune – any guy must have seemed like an improvement after his initial attempts at courting her.

...But really? Of all people, Neptune? What the fuck? That guy was deathly afraid of water, what the fuck did she think was going to happen if he nutted inside her? Hell, had he ever even nutted before? Was he actually afraid of his own nut?

Anyway, that wasn't important right now. What was important was that he had a bone to pick with Yang in particular.

"You know, Yang," Jaune began, "this is your little sister's first love. She would probably appreciate it if you were a bit more supportive."

Yang seemed nonplussed. "Oh, you want to talk about supportive? Ruby, tell him who's the one who convinced Dad not to come down here with the shotgun."

Ruby sighed tiredly. "...You are."

"And who was the one who convinced Uncle Qrow not to kidnap Jaune in his sleep, strip him naked, cover him in tree sap from the Forever Fall, and leave him in the Emerald Forest?"

"You are."

"And there you have it." Yang folded her arms across her chest. "I'd say that's plenty supportive, wouldn't you? Feel free to start singing my praises now."

"Thanks for not letting me be unjustly killed for the high crime of dating a girl I like who likes me back," Jaune deadpanned.

"Uh, the girl who you like who also likes you back, _and _who you're currently sleeping with, excuse you. Can't forget that part."

"No, I can't."

"'Cuz, you know, Dad went pretty nuts, thinking about how she was getting just absolutely plowed."

"Yang," Ruby warned.

"Like, he was inconsolable, going on and on about how his 'precious Rose daughter' had lost her innocence and it could never be gotten back. The thought of someone like Jaune banging her and making her go all ahegao with heart-shaped pupils was just too much for him to take."

"Yang, seriously."

"I don't think you guys understand, like you don't even understand, I had to tell him about some of my own sexual history in order to convince him that the world wasn't coming to an end and that he ought to give Jaune a chance, which he did."

Blake seemed surprised. "You have a sexual history?"

"Uh, yeah? I mean, look at me." Yang gestured to herself. "I'm like a supermodel. Did you really think I was a pure virgin or something?"

"...Maybe a little?"

"Wait, really?"

"I don't know, okay? I suppose it's too much to ask that a smoking hot blonde with fat tits stay a virgin through her teenage years in the current year."

"You actually seem really torn up about this," Nora observed.

"Oh, don't mind me. Just lamenting the loss of common decency and how there are no pure waifus anymore."

"Bah. Purity is overrated. Get me someone who's into some real nasty shit, that's where the fun is. Seriously, I don't even get horny these days unless the video features the girl getting hit with Lightning Dust."

Ren choked on his drink, flushing a deep red when he heard that.

"Can we not talk about this at the table, please?" Weiss asked.

"I agree," Jaune said. "I'd rather not-"

"Oh, no way!" Ruby exclaimed. "This is my chance to gross out Yang by telling her all the freaky stuff we get up to!"

Yang chuckled at that. "No offense, Rubes, but I've been around the block more than you. There's nothing you can tell me that you've done that would surprise me. Plus, I've seen your browser history. You're as vanilla as they come. The only person who's more pure than you is Pyrrha… well, and Weiss, who I'm pretty sure doesn't even know what masturbation even is."

"I refuse to dignify that with a response," Weiss said, her eyes narrowing.

"I concur," Pyrrha said tentatively. "Can you please leave me out of whatever it is you're talking about? I have a reputation to uphold."

"I would, but I happen to know that you're crazy about someone at this table," Yang replied.

"What, do you think I'm some kind of super-yandere degenerate pervert who's down for anything so long as the guy I like is the one doing it? Is that what you're trying to imply?"

"Yes."

"You read too many shitty romantic comedies."

"Look," Jaune interrupted, "this is all well and good, but can we get back to the matter at hand?"

"Sure. What was that, again?"

That was a good question. This entire exchange so far was basically impossible to follow. It was literally a conversation about nothing, almost like it was being typed up by some no-talent drunk asshole sitting at a computer somewhere with nothing better to do.

But that would be almost as ridiculous as the Brother gods not only actually existing, but also being responsible for the moon being shattered. So he chose not to believe it.

"All I'm saying is that we can be kinky, too," Ruby protested. "Why, the other night-"

"Please don't start detailing our sex lives in an attempt to seem mature," Jaune begged.

Ruby pouted. "...Fine. But it was super kinky, I swear!"

It really wasn't, unless you considered anal to be kinky… which it probably was at some point before society had gotten so oversexualized that 'kinky' had gone from 'hey, there's another hole back there, I wonder how that would feel' to 'something that would be more at home in that old joke about the aristocrats than in the bedroom.'

_When did everyone get so fucked up in terms of their fetishes? Like really, the mere fact that furries even exist in the first place should be grounds for a galaxy-wide extinction event. _

"Look, can we please just forget about this tangent and talk about something normal for once?" Jaune begged.

"Please, for the love of the Gods," Weiss agreed.

"Okay, sure," Yang said. "But before we do, I just have one question."

"Please no."

"Jaune, is Rubes as much of a screamer as I think she is?"

Jaune proceeded to bash his head against the table until he passed out.

* * *

When Jaune finally awoke from his self-induced head trauma, he found that a few things had changed. For one, some time had apparently passed – last he recalled, Beacon hadn't had Halloween decorations up. This was a problem, because he not only didn't have candy for trick-or-treaters – which were somehow inexplicably still a thing in Beacon among the students, even though they were all at least seventeen, like seriously what the fuck – but also because this was a really, really important date for one reason and one reason only, and it wasn't because it was the day that signaled that every dentist in Vale was about to make a very large contribution to their retirement funds in the coming weeks.

As if on cue, the door to his hospital room burst open, and Jaune was torn when he saw who it was. On the one hand, seeing Ruby was always going to put a smile on his face.

But on the other hand…

"Jaune!" Ruby shouted in excitement before speeding over to him and leaping into his bed. "You're awake! It's been days!"

"How many days?" he asked.

"Three or four, I think. Honestly, I'm surprised it didn't last longer than that, since you were bashing yourself in the head pretty hard. We saw skull and everything. Pyrrha was freaking out."

"I'll bet she was. So, answer me this: Halloween is today, right?"

"It is! And that means-"

"Happy birthday, Rubes." She squealed in excitement, and it actually made his heart flutter when he heard it. "Sorry I didn't have anything planned for you-"

She waved him off. "Well, you were suffering from self-induced head trauma caused by the world's dumbest older sister, so I'll give you a pass. But we're going to the Halloween party tonight, and that's final! In costume, too!"

"That's more than fair. So, are we going to go into town and get costumes?"

"Oh, I already got them!"

"...You did?"

She nodded excitedly. "Yup! You're gonna love them, Jaune!"

Something told them that he was not going to end up loving them.

* * *

He did not, in fact, end up loving them.

"So, what do you think?" Ruby asked, a broad smile on her face. "They're great, huh?"

"...Uh, yeah," Jaune said. "Remind me who I am, again?"

"Duh, you're Mikhail Salashnikov! Only you're a _sexy _Mikhail Salashnikov, so I replaced your pants with buttless chaps! Great, huh?"

"...I see," Jaune said, trying to do his best to seem enthusiastic. "And who are you, then?"

Ruby stood up straight and proudly puffed out her chest. "I'm AS-12, from that popular gacha game where all the girls are guns!"

"...Is there a connection between us, or…?"

"Yeah, you're the guy who made my family of rifles for Atlas! Come on, we watched the Lost Weapons videos on this and everything! Don't tell me you forgot!"

Jaune stayed silent, causing her to pout. "Jaaaaaune! Well, now we're just going to have to watch them again!"

"Are we actually going to watch them this time, then?"

Ruby flushed as red as her cape. "T-tell you what: this time, _you'll _be watching, and I'll be… um… under the sheets?"

Well, he couldn't argue with that. He wasn't sure how much watching was going to get done with that arrangement, though. Probably more than how it used to be, but still. It was tough to focus on the man presenting old guns to you and giving a brief history lesson on them when a cute girl had your dick in her mouth.

Still, videos he didn't watch aside, Ruby's costume was actually really well-done – it looked homemade, in fact. It wasn't too complicated, consisting mainly of a black jacket, a body belt, and a cloak. There was a gas mask attached to her belt, and she was wearing a set of long black trousers that blended into a pair of heelless boots. Her legs were adorned with ammo pouches, and because this was Ruby, they appeared to be full of what he really hoped were not actually real bullets. Completing the outfit was an old rifle she had slung over her back, and while he knew better than to expect that she would half-ass anything when it came to weapons, he had to know.

"So," he said, motioning to the gun, "Is that a prop, or…?"

Ruby's grin widened as she shook her head. "Nope! This is an authentic surplus Atlesian AS-12! I'm friends with the old guy who runs a gun store back on Patch and managed to convince him to give me a good deal on it. Cool, huh?"

He wasn't much of a gun guy, but it was cute that she was so enthusiastic about it. "Very cool, Rubes. So, did you have to sell some of your other guns to afford that one?"  
Immediately, her expression darkened. To Jaune's bewilderment, she leaned in, grabbed him by the collar to pull him close, and then began to speak in a low voice that was barely recognizable as Ruby Rose.

"Listen to me carefully, Jaune," she said. "NEVER sell. _Ever. _No matter what price they offer you. Never. Sell. You got that?"

"Y-yes, I think? Is there a reason why-"

"A few. For one, surplus guns only ever go up in value, because they're not being made anymore. Whatever you sell it for, it's worth more than what you got for it just because of that. More importantly, whatever gun you sell, no matter how trash it is, you will regret selling, especially if it's old or rare. MOST importantly, whoever you sell it to could be a Bubba."

"Who's Bubba?"

"Let me put it this way, Jaune: there are only three things that a weapon fears, and they are – in order of most to least dangerous – politicians, Bubba, and rust. I would demonstrate why Bubba is so dangerous to historical firearms, but even thinking of that M1 Garland rifle jury-rigged to fit into an EBR chassis makes me want to throw up all the candy corn I just ate five minutes ago, so I won't do it."

There were several scary things about that sentence, but out of all of them, the absolute scariest was that he was dating someone who actually enjoyed eating candy corn.

_Then again, it's Ruby. She's probably only eating it for the sugar rush and couldn't give less of a shit about the actual taste if she tried._

Seriously, he had once caught her tearing open packs of coffee sweetener and dumping them into her mouth when she was really desperate for a sugar high and was out of chocolate. At times, she was even worse than Nora.

_Note to self: for Nondescript Winter Holiday, a good stocking filler would be a voucher for the dentist's office._

He wasn't sure if something like that even existed, but whether it did or not, he was confident that he could talk the dentist down to a more reasonable price – after all, given Ruby's diet in general, said dentist was probably already a very rich man.

Ruby finally let go of his collar, her point apparently having been made. Reaching up, she smoothed out his shirt, then stood back to admire her work.

"You know," she said, "military uniforms look pretty good on you. If the Huntsman thing doesn't work out, you could always enlist."

"I don't think I'm Army material," Jaune said.

"What makes you say that?"

"You look at me and tell me I'm not the kind of guy that the drill instructors would just love. I've read stories about boot camp, Rubes. They'd have me running all around catching flies with my bare hands for hours, and then whenever I inevitably accidentally killed one, they'd force me to run laps around the base for 'damaging Army property.' No thank you."

"...Okay, fair. But you do look good in a uniform."

Admittedly, he did wear it rather well, though that wasn't saying much – it was just a simple dark green soldier's uniform, with the only real noticeable part of it being the epaulettes. If you don't know what those are, they're the decorative shoulder pieces that go on military dress uniforms.

That's right. You came here to laugh... but I just made you learn. You've just been BOOKED dot com.

Anyway, the point was, this was okay… well, aside from the assless – or, as Ruby said, 'buttless' – chaps. But he could deal. Yang and probably Coco were going to absolutely roast him to death when they saw him, but honestly, he had been through worse. On the list of terrible shit he had been through on his life, this was somewhere slightly above peeing with an erection but nowhere near accidentally walking in on Saphron getting her asshole eaten by her girlfriend.

Yes, he still had nightmares. No, therapy had not helped.

_Figures that the one time someone decides to get laid in the Arc family house, I end up walking in on it. Just my fucking luck._

Anyway, uncomfortable memories aside, he was all set.

"To the party, then," he announced.

Ruby offered her arm, which he took. The two of them began to walk towards Beacon's assembly hall, with Jaune doing his best to ignore the stares and jeers sent his way.

_Remember, Jaune – they only hate you 'cuz they ain't you._

* * *

The party, as expected, was a good time. Everyone was in costume, though some of them were obviously better than others.

"Weiss, what are you supposed to be, again?"

Weiss huffed in indignation. "You idiot! I am clearly the famous opera singer, Carmen-"

And that was the exact moment when Jaune stopped listening, because he knew exactly what was coming – a famous Schnee family rant. Honestly, he was surprised it had taken her this long to finally hit him with one.

_At least she actually managed to hit me with something this time. Generally she has trouble with that._

"Yo, Vomit Boy."

_Ah, shit._

"Yang," Jaune greeted as he turned to her. "You're looking good."

She was, actually. Her costume wasn't complex at all – just a white sleeveless shirt that showed her midriff, a miniskirt, and a white teardrop earring on her left ear. Most shocking of all, she had actually done something to her hair – sure, she had merely tied it into a dolphin tail split at the tips, but given that it was Yang, he was just surprised that she had actually done something with it.

"Thanks, man," Yang replied. "You're looking… well, you're looking."

"Hey, Ruby picked out my costume for me, since I was unconscious and all."

"I see. And are you happy with it?"

"...I like that we match."

"Good answer." She took a sip of her punch, which Jaune took notice of.

"How's the punch?"

"Definitely spiked."

"Oh. Sorry to hear that."

"I'm not; I'm the one who spiked it. There's about half a liter of white rum in it by now."

"Oh, of course," Weiss said, rolling her eyes. "Why would I expect that Yang would let anyone else enjoy the refreshments? What next, are you going to replace the brownies with pot brownies?"

"No, but that's an excellent suggestion for the Vytal dance. I'm sure Coco will be very happy to hear it."

"Hold on," Jaune interrupted. "Half a liter of white rum? Isn't that a lot?"

"Oh, fuck yeah. I'm gonna be hungover tomorrow, that's for sure."

"C-can you even taste the punch at that point?" Weiss asked, horrified.

"Haha, nope! Isn't it great?"

Honestly, this was just par for the course for a bunch of teenagers who didn't actually like the taste of alcohol, but who only drank to get drunk. What kind of degenerate actually drinks like that, anyway? At least savor the taste instead of just slamming it to try and dull the pain of whatever ails you.

"Anyway," Yang announced, "Jaune, I'm gonna need a favor from you."

"What do you need?"

"I need you to make sure that Ruby doesn't get into any of the punch, because she's a total lightweight."

"I'm actually scared to ask how you know this."

"Simple: she once got a hold of my uncle's hip flask and took a big swig from it. I've never seen someone get plastered after just a mouthful of vodka, but apparently Rubes can't handle her liquor at all. Though I guess that's just another thing you two have in common."

One time, _one time – _a guy goes out for a drink with a friend and gets absolutely hammered after a single beer one time, and of course she couldn't ever let him live it down.

Man, forget Blake. It was starting to look like Yang was actually the worst girl on Team RWBY. That wasn't saying much because aside from Ruby they were pretty much all bad in their own special ways, and even then he was probably only biased in Ruby's favor because he was dating her, but still.

_That's enough bad thoughts about your girlfriend, Jaune. The last thing you need is her finding out about them._

You laugh about that, but he sometimes talked in his sleep, and Ruby was a very light sleeper. If he had a secret, she was most likely going to find out about it. So after quickly purging his mind of that particular thought, he turned back to Yang.

"Well, I would agree, but I'm afraid that it seems like I'm too late."

"Sorry, what?"

"Oh yeah, she drank like three cups full of punch like thirty seconds ago."

Punctuating his statement was a round of automatic gunfire that sent pretty much everyone in the room scattering for safety. Jaune merely sighed as he turned towards the noise and found exactly what he expected to find, which was Ruby standing there, swaying side-to-side as she tried her best to replace her weapon's spent magazine with a fresh one, failing miserably every time because she was absolutely shitfaced.

Yang groaned. "Dad and Uncle Qrow are going to kill me when they find out..."

_Good, _Jaune thought. Honestly, it was about time that she got some kind of actual comeuppance for her shenanigans, because Ruby's little baby fists were incapable of matching the kind of damage that a disappointed father could do with a mere word.

Anyway, Jaune could see that the situation was rapidly getting out of control. The Halloween party was pretty much ruined, if the thirty or so new holes in the ceiling and the fact that most of the patrons had already run for their lives were any indication. Now it fell to him to make sure that Ruby didn't accidentally put a bullet in her foot or something, because Gods knew that Yang had never once been responsible in her life before this and she wasn't about to start now.

"Out of my way," Jaune said, pushing through both Yang and Weiss.

Approaching Ruby, he found that he had gotten there just in time, as she had finally managed to slide a magazine into her weapon's receiver and was about to pull back on the charging handle.

_Well, what do you know – apparently, I _did _learn something from all those Lost Weapons videos, and it wasn't just where the G spot is._

Ignoring that, Jaune instead focused on the task at hand, which he did by reaching out and blocking Ruby's hand as she once again tried to chamber a round.

"Alright, Hero of the Mantelian Union, I think you've done enough damage," he announced.

Ruby blinked. "Wha…? B-but, I want more gunshots! T-they're all… all… um… loud, and the surplus ammo smells so good!"

"Why did you even bring a real gun and live ammo to a dance, anyway? I get that it's in-character and all, but still, this is supremely dangerous. Why did Glynda and Ozpin even let you in like that, anyway? I thought they were supposed to be chaperoning this whole thing to make sure that nobody got too hurt or too pregnant?"

* * *

"I sense a disturbance," Ozpin suddenly announced, turning his attention away from his glass of gin.

Glynda waved him off. "Bah, forget about it. We've been chaperoning these dances together for over a decade and not a single thing has gone wrong."

"I know, but I can't help but feel like something will go wrong this time."

"Oh, please. What, do you suddenly expect Salem to start being competent? Next you'll tell me that we should postpone the Vytal Festival because some idiot is going to launch an attack on the CCT as part of a ridiculous and out-of-nowhere plot to steal the Maiden's powers, which will nonetheless succeed because we're all actually secretly retarded. Do you really think we're that incompetent, Ozpin?"

In the background, Ozpin couldn't help but notice that Port was currently doing a keg stand while every other member of his inner circle, James Ironwood included, loudly cheered him on. Still, he shrugged.

"I guess you're right. Besides, what's the point of immortality if you can't have a little fun every once in awhile? I'm sure the kids will be fine."

"Of course. It's not like any of them were dumb enough to bring an automatic weapon to the dance or something. Seriously, what kind of idiot would even do something like that? It's like a bit out of a really bad comedy."

* * *

"Anyway, Rubes, I think you've had enough fun," Jaune declared. "Also, you're completely drunk, and you're going to have a massive hangover tomorrow. I think it's time for bed."

Despite the fact that she was swaying from side to side, a sultry grin crossed Ruby's face. "Is that an invitation, Jaune?"

"...Normally, it would be. But you're drunk, and I'm trying to be responsible for once, so-"

"Ooooh, Mister Salashnikov, I've been a bad, _baaad _rifle," Ruby said, fluttering her eyes as she placed a hand on her hip. "I jammed during our field op today. My operator was furious with me. What are you going to do about it?"

"I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I'm going to grab you real tight."

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to pick you up in a princess carry."

"Mmm… keep going, big boy."

"And I'm going to be a gentleman and put you to bed so you can sleep off all the booze you've had to drink."

Her sultry look disappeared, replaced with a pout. "Jaaaaune! Stop being a stick in the mud and role play with me!"

He would, but again, she was drunk. Also, he was pretty sure that she was mixing up her role play elements – he thought she was just supposed to be role playing a character from that one gacha game she spent ungodly amounts of money on, the one where the characters were all female androids named after guns. But now she was bringing in elements from that one shitty fanservice anime she made him watch where the characters weren't just girls named after guns, they actually _were _guns. He could handle her getting drunk to an extent, but getting her role playing mixed up? That just wouldn't do.

"I'll cut you a deal, Rubes," Jaune offered. "I'm going to take you back to your room and put you to bed so you can get some rest. Then, when there's no longer a risk of you puking all over me, we can role play as much as you want. Deal?"

"...Fine," Ruby conceded. "But only if you carry me!"

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

With that, Jaune scooped her up into his arms, letting her rest her head on his shoulder. This being Ruby, she was surprisingly light – at worst, she was comparable to something like a medium machine gun with a bipod, several attachments, and plenty of ammo belts strewn across his body.

_Oh, Gods damn it, now she's got me doing it._

Ignoring that for the moment, he proceeded to make his way back through the room, doing his best not to disturb Ruby too much, since she had very quickly fallen asleep in his arms. He had just about made it past Yang and Weiss when he decided that this situation called for something drastic – some kind of flex, anything he could do to piss Yang off even slightly for continuing to enable Ruby's bad behavior.

It wasn't hard to think of something.

"Well, what do you know?" he said aloud. "Looks like I'm Ruby's favorite now."

"Oh, ha ha," Yang said, rolling her eyes. "Laugh it up, Jaune. We all know who Ruby really cares about."

"We do, and unfortunately for you, it's not who you think it is."

"How do you figure?"

"Last I checked, she isn't screaming out your name during sex."

Yang actually seemed flustered and unsure what to say about that. Jaune considered that to be more than enough of a victory for now, and decided that now was a good time to go put Ruby to bed. Stepping away from Yang, he proceeded to make his way to Ruby's dorm, the whole time chuckling softly to himself at the fact that he had finally gotten one over on Yang.

* * *

Halloween came and went, and with it, Ruby's inevitable detention. She had his sympathy, because detention with Goodwitch was something he wouldn't even wish on Cardin, but honestly Ruby had earned it when she had shot a bunch of holes in the roof. Frankly, she was lucky that she had only gotten detention rather than being forced to patch the holes herself.

Anyway, it was now a few days later. Ruby had been surprisingly docile over the week, probably because her hangover had been so bad that she'd had to spend several days recovering after the party. They hadn't even done anything lewd, though Jaune didn't mind at all – her health was far more important.

Of course, all that really meant was that she had been forced to go for several days without any kind of release. To put it simply, she was pent-up.

And unfortunately for Jaune, she'd thought of just the thing to do to get some form of release.

"I don't mean to be rude, Ruby, but this is probably the dumbest thing you've ever asked me to do. It's even worse than Lost Weapons and Chill."

"Oh, hush," Ruby said as she continued to put up the black background. "It's not like you have to do anything but stand there and let me get you off."

"I know, but still, this is embarrassing, even for two cringelords like us. And yes, I know that the only people to ever see the video will be you and me, but that doesn't change the fact that this is still premium cringe."

Ruby turned to him with a frown. "Uh, you promised me after the Halloween party that you'd role play as much as I wanted."

"That's true, I did."

"Well, I wanna. And because I wanna, we're gonna."

Jaune sighed tiredly before nodding. "...Fine, fine. Guess I can't complain too much."

"Yeah, especially since I'll be doing most of the work," Ruby said playfully. "All you have to do is stand there, play along, and look good for the camera. Shouldn't be too hard for you at all."

He sighed again, this time out of resignation, before nodding. "...Alright, alright. Since this is something you clearly really want to do, I'm down for it… so long as the video stays sealed away in a place where only you can get to it. And no, I don't mean under your mattress, like your diary is."

"Oh, trust me, I've got the perfect place picked out. It's the one place that nobody but us would ever even think to look."

"...You're going to hide the video on a thumb drive nestled between the pages of your sister's notebook, aren't you?"

Ruby grinned sheepishly, and Jaune had to admit, it was a good plan – nobody was going to go poring through Yang's notes, least of all Yang herself. It was probably the absolute best place Ruby could think to hide the video, while still also having it be somewhat accessible to her for when she wanted to actually use it.

"Okay, then," Jaune said. "So, what do we do first?"

"First off, b-roll," Ruby declared. "Stand still, I'm going to rock your world for a bit."

He did, and it was good. The camera made things awkward, as did Ruby constantly changing positions, but honestly, he couldn't complain too much, even if she was clearly just trying to edge him at the moment. After a few minutes of that, from all different positions and all different angles, Ruby stood up, straightened herself out, smoothed out her hair, and motioned for him to fall in next to her.

"Stand next to me," she said. "Right about… yeah, there."

"Uh, alright?" Jaune replied, confused. "I thought we were filming a sex tape."

"We are. Trust me, you'll see what I'm going for. For now, just stand there and look cute."

Something about this didn't feel right, but he wasn't about to ruin her fun by telling her that. Instead, he did as he was told, standing there and doing his best to look good. That was probably easier said than done given that he was somewhat disheveled and covered with various bodily fluids, but if it worked for her, it worked for him.

Finally, Ruby seemed ready to continue. She hit the record button on her camera, and that was when Jaune realized instantly what she was going for.

"If you've ever spent all your money on sex toys and lube and didn't have any money for condoms, go ahead and hit that subscribe button. Guys, like and comment! The comment section is out of control – there is nothing I can do to stop you. DustTube is disappointed in you; I am not. Get into the comment section, find out why it has become a little bit tame, but I still love you guys."

It took all of Jaune's self-control not to groan then and there.

_Are you fucking kidding me? Of course she would pattern her sex tape after a DustTube weapon reviewer. Just Ruby things, I suppose._

She didn't seem to notice just how hard Jaune was trying not to cringe, instead continuing to speak into the camera.

"Guys, the biggest supporter of the channel right now is Large Father Infinity. Large Father Infinity is like the CostMart of the sex world – 99 cents for the first month. Is it worth it? Well, are you worth it? You more than likely are, so get in there."

_Rubes, I'm begging you, don't make this any worse than it already is._

"Ladies, gentlemen, and my often forgotten – but not by me – Dust-powered massage wands, welcome to the channel."

_Oh, Gods damn it, she made it worse than it already is._

"Today, we're going to be talking about my boyfriend, Jaune. I've wanted to do this video for a long time, because there's a lot to talk about with Jaune. I could go on and on about the emotional aspect of our relationship, but I know that's not why you're here. No, you're here to see it get lewd, and to see me stop talking and start using my mouth for something else. So, let's get right into it. We're gonna go tip-to-butt, like we always do, but first, we'll start the same as usual: with a nice visual inspection."

Ruby suddenly reached down, causing Jaune to tense when he felt her grab him. He knew she was probably the very last person in all of Remnant who would ever dream of hurting him, but he was a man, and being a man, he always worried about his balls being manhandled, even if it was misplaced. Thankfully, it was, as she was ultimately very gentle with him.

"To start with, you can see that we've got a pretty good size going on," Ruby declared. "Probably about six, six-and-a-half inches when bone pressed? Bigger than average for sure, but not porn star size. Perfect for me, though – I'm pretty small, and if it was any bigger than that, it'd probably tear me in half. As it is now, though, it's just right."

Jaune wasn't sure whether to thank her or if he was supposed to stay silent, so instead he took a third option and decided to just let her do whatever she wanted to him, because he knew better than to risk antagonizing a girl who was currently holding his most sacred of areas in her hand.

"Next up, you can see that he's done a very impressive job when it comes to manscaping, which is always good. You know how it is, ladies – you don't want your man to have too much hair down there, because the last thing you need is a mouthful of it. At the same time, if you're like me, you also don't want it completely shaved bare. However, that can cause problems – when the hair starts to grow back, it can get pretty stiff, and during sexy times, it can actually be somewhat painful when you brush up against each other. That's why it's important to get yourself a guy who knows how to trim properly, and I'm happy to say that in this case, Jaune is one of them."

Well, that was flattering, he supposed. If nothing else, it was good to know that his girlfriend really did appreciate the time he spent manscaping. You'd think it wouldn't take that long, but he had to make sure it was perfect for her.

"Anyway," Ruby continued, "enough about that, you want to know how it works. First, we're going to test the firmness – you know, go ahead and ghost the length together with me. So just pretend like your hand is over mine, put on a little Unchained Melody in the background, and-"

Jaune had to bite back a moan as her hand started to move agonizingly slowly. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her flash him a smirk, which was all he needed to know that she was absolutely taking her time on purpose. It was like she was edging him all over again.

_Who would have suspected that Ruby of all people could be sexy like this?  
_

Not him, but that was part of what made him love her so much – she seemed to know just what to do to him, and when to do it.

"Hmm..." Ruby said. "Yup, definitely about six, six-and-a-half inches. Great size overall – pretty girthy, too. Sex toys just can't compare to the real thing. Now then, I suppose we should get to the real meat – heh, pun intended – of the video. You all probably have just one question: how does it feel inside? Well..."

Without warning, she looped her hands around his neck before gently falling backwards onto the table she had laid out, carefully pulling him down to rest on top of her. He looked her in the eyes for a moment, and that was more than enough for him to tell exactly what she wanted from him.

So he gave it to her.

"A-ah!" Ruby cried out, biting her lip. She turned back towards the camera. "Y-yup! Feels like you'd expect – really, really good! S-solid – oh, Gods – t-ten out of ten! Like I said, toys just don't… don't…"

She trailed off, once again biting her lip before turning back to him, a desperate look on her face. "Oh, forget it! Just give it to me, Jaune! Hard as you can!"

He was all too happy to oblige, both because she had been teasing him for what felt like an eternity and because he was more than ready for this dumbass roleplay to be over with.

_Seriously, a Garland Thumb role play? What the fuck else is next, an AS Guy role play?  
_

* * *

"No."

Ruby pouted. "Come on, Jaune! It's just for a bit!"

"Ruby, I love you, which is why I am telling you now that I refuse to do this."

"But Jaune-"

"No, Ruby. Now put the White Talon drink away, I'm not fucking drinking that nasty-ass shit."

She sighed tiredly. "Fine… but Uncle Qrow isn't going to be happy that his alcoholic seltzer has gone missing and wasn't actually used."

"You probably should have thought of that before trying to give it to me."

"Alright, alright. But we can at least bang normally, right?"

"Oh, like you even need to ask. Come here."

That was one thing about dating Ruby – sure, they were both dorks. Sure, she had some fucking weird fetishes. Sure, Yang was an annoying ass. Sure, she was kind of autistic. But at the end of the day, she was still cute as a button and someone who had a lot in common with him, and that was what he really cared about.

_I just hope she never asks me to fuck her at the gun range ever again. Once was more than enough._

* * *

**And there it is, the redone Ruby chapter, just in time for Ruby's birthday. You all pointed out that this was a perfect opportunity to do it, so I decided to oblige you as best as I could.**

**With this chapter, I wanted to do something a bit different than I usually see done with Ruby. Usually, I see her portrayed as either being super-innocent or super perverted, and I wasn't really a fan of either one – I tried innocent and it was absolute ass, and perverted just didn't feel right. I eventually decided to take a third option, one that I bet absolutely nobody was expecting: weapon nut Ruby. Hence, we get a Ruby with a standard sex drive of someone in a relationship, but who combines it with her unhealthy love of deadly weapons. Admittedly, there's a bit of author appeal there, too – as someone else with a possibly unhealthy love of deadly weapons, I tend to view Ruby as a kindred spirit, so I took that as my cue to go all-out with it this chapter.**

**The DustTube reviewers mentioned in this chapter are real people, by the way – Lost Weapons is Forgotten Weapons, Garland Thumb is Garand Thumb, and the AS Guy is the AK Guy/Brandon Herrera. Pretty much everything that's a weirdly-named proper noun in this chapter is a shittily-disguised parody of the real thing – Ruby dressed Jaune up as Mikhail Kalashnikov and herself as AK-12 from Girls Frontline, White Talon alcoholic seltzer is White Claw, Large Father Infinity is Big Daddy Unlimited, etc. As for the actual content, the dialog from the Lost Weapons video is taken directly from the Forgotten Weapons video on the G11 (aside from the intro; the concept of the Patch Island Auction House worked too well for me to not use it) and the Garland Thumb video parody is a parody of one of Garand Thumb's weapon reviews, with the dialog taken directly from it as well, though for the life of me, I can't remember exactly which video it's from at the moment, so I guess you'll just have to watch them all if you want to find out that much.  
**

**Anyway, I really love writing Ruby, because there's so much you can do with her. This chapter is no exception – she was a great time to work with, and super easy to think of material for, to. It really didn't take me too much time to think of how I wanted this chapter to go once I thought up the concept of Lost Weapons and Chill, which seemed so right that it sort of colored the direction of the entire chapter from the instant it was put onto paper. Overall, I'm a lot happier with this chapter than the initial Ruby chapter – I'd say it fits her well enough, and it's also not completely at odds with the rest of this fic like the original Ruby chapter was.**

**Anyway, since it's Halloween, I'm off to celebrate by gorging myself on candy, playing Resident Evil games until nightfall, and then going to a party and getting absolutely plastered. Good thing I'm not as much of a lightweight as Ruby is in this chapter, and that I'll be leaving my weapons at home.**

**Next update: Saturday, November 14.**


	27. Stealing Jaune's Virginity

Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 27: Roma Torchwick (Roman R63), or: Stealing Jaune's Virginity

* * *

It was sheer pandemonium at the docks. Two teams – RWBY and JNPR – were neck-deep in White Fang cronies, with two strangers – a monkey Faunus and an orange-haired girl shooting lasers – there to back them up.

And out of all of them, Jaune was the only one not doing anything.

In his defense, it wasn't quite his fault – the others had specifically ordered him to wait on the sidelines, and he had agreed, because as much as he hated to admit it, he still didn't know how to fight other people worth shit. The White Fang, incompetent as they were, would absolutely eat him alive if he went out there and tried to back up his friends. So instead, he sat on the sidelines, waiting for someone to call for him, and in the meantime, he was left to contemplate life's many mysteries.

_Why don't I use a gun? _He thought to himself as yet another White Fang member went flying above him. _Seriously, what was I thinking, coming to Beacon with just a sword and shield? That's like entering a knife fight with just your fists, or a demolition derby in a go-kart. _

Then again, maybe it was for the best – he had never fired a gun before, so as far as he knew, he was just as liable to accidentally shoot himself somehow.

_But I've used a bunch of them in video games, so it can't be that hard. Just look down the sights and pull the trigger. Hell, the White Fang uses guns, and those guys are only about one standard deviation above retarded. If they can do it, I can-_

His musing was interrupted by someone tapping him on the shoulder. He actually jumped before turning around, and was surprised to see a diminutive, multicolored girl staring back at him, a smug smirk on her face.

"Uh, hey," he said awkwardly. "Can I help you?"

The girl merely tilted her head, saying nothing. He had no time to wonder what was going on before his world exploded in pain. One moment, he was standing; the next, he was wavering between conscious and unconscious while someone slung him over their shoulder and took off running.

The last thing he saw before blacking out was an airship touching down and opening its cargo bay to swallow him whole.

* * *

When Jaune awoke, it was to complete darkness and a throbbing pain in his head. He hissed when he first felt it, then shook the pain away as he tried to open his eyes. Delirious as he was, it took him a moment to realize that he wasn't actually closing his eyes, he had just been blindfolded. Not only that, but his hands were also bound – it felt like he had been tied to a chair.

_How cliché can you fucking get? What am I, a member of the Mystery Bunch or something? ...On second thought, fuck yeah, I'd love to be a member of the Mystery Bunch, that'd actually be pretty cool. Driving around in an old hippie van, solving mysteries with a bro and his talking dog, along with two cute girls… why can't life be like the cartoons?_

Why yes, he was doing his best to think of anything but his current predicament at the moment, how could you tell? In his defense, he would much rather think of old cartoons than the fact that he was most likely currently tied up in some serial killer's basement, and was almost certainly about to be used as a chainsaw sharpener or something.

_Way to go, Jaune – you've gotten yourself into yet another mess. This is even worse than the time when some of Weiss' underwear accidentally ended up in your laundry somehow._

_...Well, maybe not _that_ bad._

And then he felt a breeze go between his legs, which made him realize that he was completely naked.

_...Okay, maybe it _is _that bad. Well, I just hope that when they do decide to kill me, they start from the head down instead of the waist up._

Before his musing could continue, Jaune heard a voice from outside the room.

"-telling you, this whole operation is a bust. Fire Bitch is going to be furious; she's liable to flambe my ass if she hears about how we got stomped at the docks. And as for you? Well, I hope you like baked alaska." There was a pause. "What do big-titted blondes have to do with a dessert? Did you make your special brownies again, Neo? I thought you told me you were over that." Another pause. "Of course I don't get the reference, you haven't explained it to me! I really have no idea what you're talking about; all I know is that whatever it is, it's probably something that makes no sense. Honestly, I'm past the point of caring – we're going to have figure out something before she roasts us to death at some point. I'm not sure what it will be, but it's gonna have to be big if we're going to survive." She sighed. "Whatever, let's just check on the prisoner."

_Shit. Well, old friend, looks like your time is up. Now is the time to make amends for all your crimes._

So he did.

_To any Gods who can hear this, I'd like to formally apologize for all the messed-up shit I've jerked it to. In my defense, I'm a sexually repressed boy growing up in a family with seven women in it, so naturally I was going to gravitate towards traps after having to deal with real women and their bullshit for so long. That doesn't make it right, but I'm just trying to cover all my bases here so I don't get barred from the afterlife on the basis of being a huge degenerate. I mean, since I'm about to die from chainsaw murder, the least you could do is cut me a break when it comes to the things I've cranked it to. _He paused in his musing._ ...If you're going to send me to Hell, can you at least send me to one of the layers above the ones containing people who cheat on their spouses, and the people who ship Yang/Ruby? If I'm going to spend an eternity burning for my sins, I'd rather burn with people who are equally as bad as me, not worse._

That was as far as his dumbass stream-of-consciousness got before the door to the room came swinging open. From behind his blindfold, Jaune was able to feel a bit of light hit his face, as well as hear two sets of high heels click against the floor as their wearers walked into the room. The acrid smell of cigar smoke filled the room, causing him to wrinkle his nose in disgust.

Both sets of footsteps stopped just in front of him, and he had to hold himself back from swallowing nervously, knowing that he was likely about to meet his maker.

"Well, well," he heard a sultry voice say. "What do we have here? You don't look like one of the brats from the docks, or at least not one of the ones that was really being a pain in my ass."

Jaune said nothing, not because he was unwilling to give her anything, but because he didn't know if he was even supposed to respond.

_I knew I should have watched those old mafia movies with my family when they had them on._

In his defense, they were like three-hour movies. Who the fuck has the patience to sit through a three-hour drama? Not your average teenage boy, that's for sure. As far as he was concerned, any movie that had the audacity to demand his attention for a consecutive hundred and eighty minutes had better have a good amount of uncensored tits in it, otherwise it was a waste of time.

"I asked you a question, boy," the woman said, her tone taking on a bit of an edge. "I expect a response, unless you want me to force one out of you."

And that was when another problem made itself known. Namely, that Jaune had a certain fetish. It wasn't exactly a degenerate fetish or anything, at least not on its own – rather, it was actually very common among young men, he had heard. Unfortunately, it was also the absolute worst fetish for him to have at this very moment, except for maybe a cuckold fetish, because there is never a good time to be a cuck. Ever. Like, someone could have a gun to your head and be threatening to kill you unless you became a cuck, and you'd still be better off taking the bullet, because at least you'd die with your dignity intact.

But that wasn't the problem right now. As far as he could tell, there was zero cucking to be done here, which was good because then he would have been screaming for death. No; rather, this entire situation was playing into his big love of femdom.

And the woman, whoever she was, seemed to realize this, as she suddenly roared with laughter.

"Look, Neo! He's got an erection! Hey, boy – this situation helping you get your rocks off or something? What, do you like being tied up and having girls tell you what to do?"

Jaune said nothing, though he didn't have to – his face flushing bright red was more than enough for her to figure everything out. Again, she laughed.

"Ah, Gods, that's rich. You know what, I think we got off on the wrong foot. Neo, take the blindfold off him, would you? I think there's an easier way to do this."

To Jaune's bewilderment, the blindfoled came off, letting him see for the first time since he had woken up. And honestly, he shouldn't have been surprised – standing before him was the ice cream girl from the docks, as well as none other than Roma Torchwick herself.

_Though honestly, who else would she be? I don't know what I expected._

"Torchwick," he spat. "I thought the others took care of you."

"Unfortunately for all of you, I die hard," Roma said. Her gaze traveled down to his crotch. "And apparently, me dying isn't the only thing that's hard."

Again, Jaune flushed red. He couldn't help himself – this exact scenario was one of his biggest fantasies, not to mention that Roma was incredibly hot. Clad in a red-lined white suit that opened up at the top to show off some of her ample chest, along with some very tight black dress pants that accentuated her rear and her hips, she was the very definition of a femme fatale. Completing the look were a few accessories – a gray scarf, some black gloves, and her ever-present bowler hat, all brought together with her bright orange hair that cascaded down to the small of her back, and which fell over her right eye. Finally completing the look was the heavy dash of eyeliner surrounding her left eye, the black helping to draw out her eye's natural bright green.

Roma grinned widely when she noticed him staring. "Lighten up, kid – you're acting like this is a torture of some kind."

"Am I supposed to interpret it as something else?"

"Well, if this was torture, you wouldn't have a stiffy right now, would you? I'd say that you've got a pretty good deal at the moment – you've got a sexy older woman leering at you and dominating you, which is clearly something you've dreamed about."

She wasn't wrong, but she also wasn't Goodwitch, so she was still somewhat far off.

In his defense, you look at Goodwitch and tell him that woman wasn't fucking built for femdom. It was like she had been expressly designed by the Gods to fulfill every single sexy teacher stereotype on the books.

Anyway, sexy teachers aside, this was quickly becoming a delicate situation, and he wasn't sure how to get out of it. Normally this was the point in the movies he liked to watch where the hero managed to seduce the sexy villainess and charm her over to his side, but come on, what were the odds of that happening? He'd sooner bet money on Ironwood suddenly turning evil for no real reason at all than that happening.

"What do you want?" Jaune spat, having had enough of her making fun of him. "If you're going to do something, then do it. Don't waste my time."

"My, my – brave words for someone in your position. You know, if I so desired, I could easily have you killed right now."

Her words were emphasized by someone – no doubt her little helper – pressing the point of a blade against the side of his neck. Jaune swallowed nervously, knowing that his life was in her hands.

"But then again, it's so rare that I get to have any fun," Roma lamented. "I'd rather make things last."

"Last how?"

"Well, for one, I'd like to see what it takes to push you over the edge. It's so rare that I get to break a man in this way – do you have any idea how rare a submissive Huntsman is? I never get to have any fun."

"...You're keeping me alive because you're a sexual sadist and want to have fun with me?"

Roma clapped her hands together. "Well done! I'm surprised it didn't take you longer to figure out."

"But why? I'm your enemy."

"Yes, you are. And that just makes you more fun to break."

"And if I don't want to go along with it?"

"Kid, have you seen what's going on downstairs with you right now? If that's not going along with it, I don't know what is. You're clearly just as into this as I am."

As much as Jaune hated to admit it, she was right – he was at full mast right now.

_Gods damn it, why couldn't I just jerk it to regular porn? Why did I have to turn into such a fucking coomer?_

"But anyway," Roma continued, "if, hypothetically, you weren't going to go along with it, then I guess I'd just have to resort to regular torture to learn what I wanted from you. But that's no fun – I'm a sexual sadist, not a regular sadist. If I wanted to really hurt you, I'd have Neo do it."

Jaune assumed that Neo was the ice cream girl, who he had to admit, suddenly got a lot scarier what with him knowing about that. She was basically like a poison dart frog, or the average stripper – pretty to look at, but super dangerous.

"But anyway, I'll admit that it's been a long time since I've had any fun like this," Roma said. "I've been so busy working for Fire Bitch that I've had no time to cut loose."

"Fire Bitch?"

Roma frowned. "Almost let it slip… anyway, don't you worry, hon – I'll make sure we both have a good time. You get what you want, and I'll get what I want. When I'm done with you, I'll even let you go. You can run back to Beacon, perfectly healthy. All it'll cost you is some information."

"And if I refuse?"

"You won't. And do you want to know why?"

She suddenly walked over to him, then bent down to gently grab him by the chin. Forcing his head up, the two of them locked eyes. For the first time, Jaune noticed how much her expression had changed, from one of pure tiredness and stress to one that was downright predatory. Slowly, a grin crossed her face.

"Because I know exactly how to break men like you."

Before Jaune could do anything, Roma reached down to his crotch, grabbing ahold of him. He let out a yelp and tried to thrash free, but Roma simply held him there, continuing to force him to stare into her eyes.

"Ah, ah, ah – no looking away, hon. Not when the fun hasn't even started yet."

Slowly, agonizingly, she started to stroke him. Jaune found himself forced to bite back a moan as he felt her go to work. Roma noticed this, and her grin widened.

"That's it, that's it – let yourself go. It feels good, doesn't it? Now, be a good boy and just give in to me already."

Finally, Jaune felt it – the sweet release, coming up under the surface. His whole body tensed in preparation, and his breathing hitched. Unfortunately, Roma seemed to notice as well, as her ministrations suddenly stopped. Jaune froze as she pulled her hand away from him, leaving him teetering on the edge. With the two of them still looking into each other's eyes, he was able to see as her expression went from sultry to mocking.

"Aww~" she teased. "Poor you. Right at the edge – so close, and yet so far. It must be hard, being stuck there and knowing that you're only an inch away from release. Even worse, you know that I'm the only one here who can give it to you. Of course, there's an easy way out of this – give me what I want, and I'll make it worth your while. Not just this time, but all night long."

She brought her hand up and absentmindedly licked at her fingers, which made Jaune swallow nervously. "So, what'll it be?" she asked, though her tone made it clear that she already knew the answer.

Now, Jaune thought of himself as a rational man. He had long since decried those who would sell out for pussy, be that in terms of money or reputation. As far as he was concerned, he was going to cast himself as the anti-simp – he who conquered pussy by not being conquered by pussy.

However, that was before he had been tied up, stripped naked, and nearly been brought to orgasm by a hot older woman who was doing her damnedest to appeal to his biggest fetish. Now, as far as he was concerned, all that earlier shit could go fuck itself. His body – specifically, a certain part of his body – was starting to develop a mind of its own.

_That's it, boner, _Jaune's brain said to itself. _You've gone too far this time. I'm going to have to shut you down.  
_

_Nay, good sir! _Jaune's boner replied. _I am assuming direct control._

_You would sell out our friends for some pussy?  
_

_Not for some pussy, no. But his isn't 'some' pussy, this is the pussy of a hot, dominant older woman who's into femdom and has us in the perfect position. How many times have we cranked it to this exact scenario? I can promise you that we have lost legions of children to this exact thing. Beacon's shower drain could probably double as its very own sperm bank at this point._

_...Okay, point. But you can't do this._

_Watch me._

And with that, Jaune's inner war was over. Slowly, he looked up, and again locked eyes with Roma.

"...What do you want to know?" he asked, defeated.

Roma's only response was to smirk.

* * *

That night had gone by in a flash. A damned _glorious _flash, but a flash nonetheless. And true to her word, Roma had let Jaune go completely unharmed once she was done with him. Hell, he'd go so far to say that he ended up even better than when he had gone in – not only was he unharmed, but he had gotten his rocks off and lost his virginity.

And all it had cost him was his friends' deepest secrets.

Needless to say, Jaune had felt like a huge piece of shit when they had welcomed him back with open arms. Of course, he hadn't told them the full extent of what had happened with Roma – how could he? He simply couldn't bring himself to let them know that he had betrayed them. It ate at his soul, but he kept the secret nonetheless.

It was now a few days after his return, and he felt no better – the guilt was all-consuming, feeling like a fire in his chest. His friends, sitting around him at the breakfast table, were none the wiser. They recognized that something was wrong – the fact that he hadn't touched his food was proof of that – but he had merely played it off as him being ashamed that Roma had managed to capture him so easily. They had bought it, of course, which only made him feel even worse.

"So," Ruby began, "anyone else down to have a bit of fun before Oobleck's test tomorrow?"

"You're unbelievable," Weiss chastised. "We should be studying."

"But Weiss-"

"No, Ruby. You need to study."

Ruby pouted, crossing her arms. Weiss rolled her eyes. "Nice try, but the puppy dog eyes aren't going to work. I'm not Yang."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Yang asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, like you don't know. Ruby has you eating out of the palm of her hand."

"Well, she's my little sister. I'm supposed to support her."

"Yang, last night she asked you to tuck her in and read her a bedtime story. I'd accept that if she was eight or nine, but she's fifteen."

"...In my defense, the puppy dog eyes hit different when you're related to her."

Jaune merely sighed. Normally he'd find some kind of solace in a situation like this, maybe interject with some ill-timed comment that was sure to embarrass himself and make things tangibly worse for everyone else, but at the moment, he just couldn't bother. He was too depressed for that. And not the social media kind of depressed where a teenage girl gets rejected by her crush and posts a wall of text on her page along with mountains of crying emojis or the one where Blake gets triggered by the White Fang yet again and ends up writing some edgy poetry, but actual depression, like the chemical imbalance kind – you know, the don't-kill-yourself-you-have-so-much-to-live-for kind. Only this time Jaune couldn't think of anything he had to live for, not when he had betrayed everyone's trust so thoroughly. Not only was he tempted to jump off a building, he was tempted to do a couple of flips on his way down, too – you know, really celebrate the fact that he was killing himself. Maybe live stream it too, he wasn't sure.

And then, just to make things worse, everyone else's scrolls started to ring. Perplexed, they all opened them to find a message awaiting them.

"What's this?" Pyrrha asked. She opened the message, only for her face to flush bright red in embarrassment. "O-oh..." she said, her voice coming out as a mortified squeak.

Jaune simply sighed. He knew exactly what had happened – Roma had made her move. And it was just as petty as he had thought it would be.

"Hey!" Nora shouted. "Which one of you dead bitches sent me this message?!"

"None of us," Blake pointed out. "If it was one of us, it wouldn't be from an unknown number."

"A likely story, but unfortunately for you, there's a major flaw – only two people in the entire world knows that I like the lady on the syrup bottle in a sexual way, and I hate to break it to you, but you're definitely not Ren."

"Well, now we all know," Weiss said, slightly disgusted. "And thank you for sharing that with us, Nora."

"Oh, no need to thank me, since you already knew!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Think about it – who's the only one of us with enough disposable income to afford a burner scroll and the info on our deepest secrets?"

"Pyrrha, actually."

"Oh," Nora said. "Well, I know it's not her."

"What?!"

"Yeah, you really think Pyrrha is capable of something this dastardly? Give me a break – she once cried for fifteen minutes because she had to swat a fly. There's no way she would do something as devious as this."

"Then who?" Ruby wondered. "Which of us would not only know all of these secrets, but also be willing to blab about them to someone?"

That was it – he couldn't take it anymore. The guilt was getting to be too much to bear.

"It was me, damn it!" Jaune announced. "I did it!"

Everyone exchanged a glance. "...You?" Ren asked.

"Yes, me! Roma Torchwick captured me and then interrogated me for this information, which I readily gave to her because she was drop-dead sexy and willing to engage in every fetish I have! I sold you all out for pootie! I'm a reverse prostitute!"

"Well, that answers that," Yang said, shrugging. "How was it, by the way?"

"...What?" Jaune asked. "You're not mad?"

"Dude, it's just kinky shit. We all do it. Who cares if Nora's into the syrup lady, or if I like to have my hair pulled? Hell, the stuff you were getting up to with Roma was probably way freakier than this."

"I'll bet," Blake said, nodding. "My mommy fetish has nothing on her. That woman is smoking."

"...Okay, pause," Jaune said. "First off: mommy fetish? Really?"

"Oh, like you don't have one."

"Not for my _own _mother, no."

"Well, you haven't seen my mother in-person. If she ever offers, I'm totally down."

Jaune actually shuddered. "Anyway, painful thoughts aside, it was… Gods, I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but it was amazing."

"Well, that's a relief," Weiss said. "At least you'll have that thought to comfort you while you're recovering in the hospital."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Yeah, Blake, Yang, and Nora might be cool with it, but the rest of us aren't," Ren said, shrugging. "Nothing personal, but I owe you an asskicking after you told her about my love for futa."

"And my love for older men," Ruby added.

Pyrrha hesitated before sighing. "...And my love for yaoi."

"How the hell do you know all this stuff, anyway?" Nora wondered.

"Because you people can't keep your browser histories a secret to save your fucking lives! I've had to borrow all of your scrolls at least once, and every time, you've all had a tab open to some degenerate porn!" Jaune exclaimed.

Yang snickered. "'You're degenerate,' says the guy who's super into femdom."

"It's a very common fetish, I'll have you know!"

"Blondie's got that right," came an all-too-familiar voice from the cafeteria entryway. "Not the girl Blondie, by the way – the other Blondie. He's the one that's got it right."

Immediately, all of them turned to make sure their ears weren't deceiving them. To their amazement, it was none other than Roma Torchwick herself, with Neo there at her side.

"Torchwick!" Ruby spat. "Everyone, quick! Attack pattern alpha!"

Nobody made a move, causing her to glance around in confusion. "What are you doing?! I said alpha!"

"...Which one was alpha, again?" Yang asked. "I can't remember. Is that the one where Blake and Weiss use their semblances to launch me like a missile, or the one where we hold them off while Weiss supercharges one of your sniper rounds?"

"I thought it was the one where Weiss mixes her semblance with my shadow clones," Blake interjected.

Weiss shook her head. "You're both wrong, it's the one where we all hit Yang until she has a sliver of aura left, and I launch her at the target using a glyph, turning her into a makeshift suicide bomber."

"...That's really an attack we made? When did we decide that?"

"Why the hell didn't we just stick with the stupid color-themed names, anyway? They're stupid as hell, but at least they work."

"Why do we even need fancy names in the first place? Seems like it's just an easy way to overcomplicate things. Only Ruby could come up with garbage like this."

"Look, can you kids focus on what's important already?" Roma asked, lighting up a cigar. "We're burning daylight, here."

"Daylight's not the only thing that's burning!" Ruby announced.

She fell silent soon after that, causing everyone to look back at her, confused.

"You, uh, going somewhere with that ominous line?" Nora asked.

"Yes! I just don't know where yet!"

"How about-"

"Oh, wait, I've got it – daylight isn't the only thing that's burning, because my heart is also burning, with the raging fires of justice!"

"Booo!" Yang announced. "Weak, Rubes. You need better material, just like you need better team attack names."

"Don't ruin this for me, Yang!"

Roma groaned. "Okay, for real? This is the group of people who shut down my operation at the docks? What is this, some kind of really shitty comedy story or something? This can't actually be a thing, I refuse to believe it."

"Why are you here, anyway?" Pyrrha asked, glaring at her. "What, revealing our deepest kinks wasn't enough?"

"For one: that wasn't me. Ever hear that phrase about not shooting the messenger? Yeah, I'm the messenger. I didn't reveal anything, I just proved to you all that I knew. If you're going to beat up anyone, beat up the guy who told me – hell, if it's one of you girls doing it, he's probably into it. And anyway, I'm here because I fleshed out a deal with ol' Ozzy Ozbourne up there – my safety in exchange for my cooperation."

All of them exchanged a glance with each other. "...You're lying," Blake announced. "There's no way Ozpin would work with you. What would you even have to offer?"

"...Seriously, Kitty Cat? I know you were once part of the world's most incompetent group of terrorists, but come on, even you can't be that dense. Just because the White Fang collectively ride the short bus, that doesn't mean you have to sprint to the very back of it and get excited about grabbing a window seat. Do you really think I was the mastermind behind all that shit? Nah, I'm just the fall guy. And the only reason I was doing it was because someone had a gun to my head, and not just in a figurative sense." She paused for a moment. "...Well, it wasn't a literal gun, but it was far worse than that, and it was basically against my head."

"So, in that case, what made you change your mind?" Ren asked. "Why come to Beacon when you got away cleanly last time?"

"Simple: because I realized that if I could be bested by a bunch of idiot teenagers, I wasn't long for this world anyway. My 'boss,' to be kind with the use of the term, is very clearly the type to tie up loose ends once she's done with them. If I'm going down anyway, I might as well have some fun before I go."

Jaune exhaled sharply. He had a pretty good idea of where this was going, and honestly, he was a hundred and ten percent down with it. Absolutely sign him the fuck up. Seriously, if this was actually happening, he was totally in – an all-expenses-paid trip to Pound Town, signed by Roma Torchwick herself? And on top of that, she wasn't going to try and fuck with his friends anymore, at least in any kind of way that truly mattered? Yeah, sign him right the fuck up for that.

Roma took a final drag on her cigar before removing the stub, tossing it on the ground, and grinding it beneath her heel. She cast a sultry look over to him as she did so, and he shuddered. His friends were horrified. "Basically, it goes a little something like this: I had a really great time making Blondie over there my bitch the other night. If I'm going to die soon anyway, I'd very much like to keep doing that for however much time I've got left. And who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and actually manage to survive this whole thing – Oz knows about what my 'boss' is planning now, so maybe he'll actually be able to do something about it. I'm not holding my breath, but even if he doesn't… well, I'd say that being turned into a pile of ashes or molten slag is a bit more noble of a death than being impaled by a fuckoff-huge scythe that's wielded by a thirteen-year-old midget on a permanent sugar high."

"Hey!" Ruby protested.

Roma waved her off. "Anyway, if it's not a problem, I'd like to spend some quality time with my boytoy now. You know, enjoying all the fine things that life has to offer before it's curtains for me. So, if you don't mind?"

Jaune definitely didn't mind, that was for damn sure. He rose from his seat, trying to do his best to hide the half-chub in his pants as he made his way to Roma's side. His friends were staring at him in wide-eyed shock, as if they couldn't believe that he had just turned his back on them so easily, but he didn't care – Roma had just spent plenty of time showing how easily she could humiliate people, and he really wanted that to be him right now.

Roma looped an arm around his shoulders as he came close. "Ah, there we go. I missed you, Blondie. Ready for some fun? Actually, don't answer that – I can tell by that tent in your pants that you're more than ready to go."

Jaune swallowed nervously, and her grin widened. She went to lead him away, only to think of something at the last minute.

"Neo, why don't you go hang out with your new friends over there? After all, their old friend is going to be busy for a little while, so someone is going to have to pick up the slack. Just remember to do what Ozzy said and play nice… but not _too _nice."

Neo grinned a grin that had far too many teeth. Behind her, every one of Jaune's friends blanched.

Roma laughed softly before turning back to him. "Now then, shall we begin?"

That was all he needed to hear.

* * *

It had been a few days since Roma had revealed her changed allegiances to the world, and things had gotten complicated and confusing for a variety of reasons. Obviously, there was Roma herself, who despite now ostensibly being on the side of good-ish, was still a complete and total asshole to just about everyone but Jaune. Then there was how his friends were acting, seemingly unsure of how to deal with this new development, like they couldn't believe that Roma had actually changed. Jaune couldn't exactly blame them, of course – before it had actually happened, he would have said that Roma swapping sides would have been about as likely as Yang letting someone cut her hair, Nora not being a spaz, or Pyrrha actually nutting up and confessing her crush to him.

Yes, he knew about that. It was hard not to when she looked like she was about to cry whenever she saw the hickies Roma left on his neck after their nights together.

Anyway, while all of that was indeed complicated and confusing, there was one other aspect that stood head and shoulders above all of that.

"For the last time, Neo – I appreciate the attention, but I am not your new father figure, or older brother figure, or even just a male role model that you can look up to. I barely even know you."

Neo pouted at that. _'You're no fun,' _she wrote on her scroll. _'I've spent my entire life without a male figure I could look up to. Do you have any idea what it's like, having to go through life with only Roma to look up to and have guide me? It's a wonder I didn't grow up to be weird and socially awkward with loads of trauma hidden beneath the surface. You hear that, Jaune? I almost grew up to be Ruby. Do you really want to curse me to that fate?'_

"That's a good point, but you're already fully grown, even if you kind of look like a loli. So I don't see what the point of me suddenly becoming your male role model would be."

"You heard the man, Neo," Roma said, waving Neo away from her position in the bed next to Jaune. "Run along, now. Why don't you go back to pranking Team RWBY or something? I hear that Weiss girl really, really likes it when people sneak in while she's sleeping and subtly move everything she owns over an inch or two – she really appreciates having her OCD run rampant, all while she doesn't realize what's happening and can't figure out what's slowly but surely driving her completely fucking insane."

Neo huffed. _'I just don't get it,' _she wrote. _'I finally have a chance to actually have a father in my life, and you won't let me get close to him.'_

"There are several things wrong with that statement, not the least of which is that I'm pretty sure you're older than him, so this is already weird. Also, what the fuck are you talking about, that you want a father in your life? What, was I not good enough for you or something?"

'_Well, now that you mention it...'_

"Oh, I see how it is. I take you off the streets and raise you to be the sociopath you always wanted to be ever since I caught you watching that movie about the hitman who's dog got killed by the mob, and this is the thanks I get. You know what, just for that, I'm going for round two right now. Feel free to leave us be."

Neo huffed. _'Fine, fine. You're not my real mom, anyway.'_

"Of course not – I'm a lot better, considering your real mom left you in a cardboard box on the side of the road like you were an abandoned puppy. But nah, all that time spent raising you myself apparently didn't matter, because now I'm not letting you take me away from my boytoy just so you can do… I'm sorry, what was it you wanted to do, again?"

_'Catch,' _Neo said, holding up a ball. _'I hear this is what fathers are supposed to do with their kids.'_

"Well, then it's a good thing Jaune isn't your father. Like, it's not even close. Also, what the fuck, if you wanted to play catch so bad, why didn't you just ask me? I'm basically your mother."

"Oh, is that the relationship you guys have?" Jaune couldn't help but ask.

"What?" Roma questioned.

"Hey, don't look at me. This entire thing you and Neo have going on is really, really weird. I was honestly afraid that you were grooming her or something."

"That's disgusting, and just for that, I'm going to edge you twice as hard."

"Can you really blame me? Think about it – an old-" he quickly caught himself before making a grave mistake. "A _more mature _woman, palling around with a younger girl, with very little supervision, and with the two of them basically connected at the hip, to the point where the girl is basically more than willing to fight and die on her behalf? All I'm saying is that if you were a man, Roma, this would be somewhat concerning."

"No, it wouldn't – I'm charismatic and cool enough that nobody would care about any unfortunate implications. And anyway, that's not what's going on, and fuck you for insinuating it."

'_Yeah, fuck you, dad.'_

"He's not your dad, Neo."

_'Well, you call him Daddy, so...'_

"No, I don't. In fact, it's the opposite – I make _him _call me Mommy, thank you very much."

"Can you not reveal our bedroom secrets to other people?" Jaune begged.

"Why not? She already knows you're a complete degenerate. Or did you forget that she was in the room watching the first time we had our fun?"

"You're really not helping your case with those accusations of grooming I threw out. In fact, the only people I've seen handle them worse than you right now are e-celebs, and those people can't do fucking anything right, so that's saying a lot about you. Unfortunately."

"Oh, there's nothing to worry about there," Roma said, waving him off. "Everyone knows that Neo can only get off on causing pain and suffering to other people."

"I'm actually scared to ask how you figured that out."

_'I had an orgasm the first time I stabbed someone in the kidneys,' _Neo typed. _'I had to leave the operation early and go home in order to change my underwear, then come back. It was super embarrassing.'_

"Well, now I'm even more scared," Jaune said. "Are you sure you wanted to play catch with a ball and not someone's severed head or something?"

_'I was, until you brought that up as a possibility. Got anyone you want dead, Jaune? Any bullies you want to make disappear? No reason, I just have a few ideas all of a sudden.'_

"I'm good, thanks." He paused. "...Actually, there's this guy who tried to get me kicked out of Beacon a few weeks ago..."

'_Keep talking, I'm listening.'_

"No, no you're not," Roma interjected. "I worked really, really fucking hard to make this 'alliance' with Oz happen, and I'm not letting you jeopardize that."

Again, Neo pouted. _'You never let me do anything fun! First I'm not allowed to play regular catch with Jaune, and now I'm not allowed to play s__evered__ head catch with Jaune, or even kill his enemies like I want! What next, am I not allowed to watch DustLeak videos anymore?'_

"I'm pretty sure those are blocked on Beacon's wifi, so..."

That seemed to be the breaking point for Neo. Being forced to confront the fact that she couldn't revel in other's people suffering the way she wanted to was apparently too much for her, as she took off crying… silently, of course.

Seeing that, Roma sighed. "Great, now I have to go take care of this." She threw the covers off herself and stood up. "Honestly, much as I love her, she's a real pain in my ass. At least her awkward teenage years are over."

_Just how old is she, anyway? _Jaune couldn't help but wonder.

"Anyway, sorry, but this is important."

"I get it," Jaune replied. "You have to go make sure she still knows you love her."

"What? No. No, she knows that. This is important because if I don't track her down, she's liable to actually go on a stabbing spree. I'd rather avoid that for obvious reasons, so we're going to have to call a hold on things for now. But I'll be back to edge you to oblivion in a bit, so don't you worry." Roma sighed. "Honestly, it's bad enough that she can't speak, but now she's an emotional wreck..."

"Why don't you just get her a text-to-speech app for her scroll?" Jaune wondered. "I mean, it wouldn't fix the fact that she's about as emotionally stable as Yang whenever she's on her period, but it would do a lot to address the whole mute thing."

Roma looked at him in surprise. "That's… huh. Well, that's a solution. Anyway, I have to go fix this before a whole lot of people end up dead, so I'll see you in a bit, Jaune."

She took off, and somehow, Jaune just knew that he had just unleashed hell on the world somehow. Not in sending Neo away crying, of course – no, something told him that the text-to-speech thing was only going to end in disaster.

* * *

As it turned out, introducing Neo to the world of text-to-speech was nothing short of an absolute nightmare.

"Aeiou. Aeiou. Aeiou."

Yang groaned, slamming her face against the table. "Dear Gods, make it stop! I can't take the fucking onslaught of vowels anymore!"

Jaune held himself back from saying that 'onslaught' was certainly a big word for her to use, as well as congratulating her on expanding her vocabulary, mainly because she was right – giving Neo access to text-to-speech had been an unmitigated disaster. Not for him, but for anyone else she wanted to annoy, which at this point was anyone who wasn't him and occasionally Roma. And to make matters worse, nobody could catch her to make her shut the fuck up because of her semblance.

It was just fucking ridiculous. He didn't even know who John Madden was, or why Neo kept spamming his name, but he regretted ever uttering the words text-to-speech to Roma.

"Here comes another Mistralian earthquake. Ebrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbr."

And now Ren was crying, and Nora was pissed. Fucking beautiful.

"Holla holla get dolla."

_Gods damn it._

Jaune turned over to Roma, who was currently enjoying what had to be her twelfth cigar of the day. She already smelled like a chimney, and it wasn't even noon yet. "Do you think you could make her tone it down with the text-to-speech?" he asked.

Roma waved him off. "Believe me, I've tried."

"No, you requested that she not use it around us and instead make up for the time she has to be silent by following Team RWBY around and spamming them with it. That's hardly toning it down."

"It is for me, and that's what matters. I'd rather everyone else have to deal with her than me."

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"

Jaune winced at the sound coming out of Neo's scroll, as did everyone else in the cafeteria. Unfortunately, there wasn't much he could do about it, so he decided to do the one thing he could.

"Want to go back to the room?"

Hey, it was an easy way out, but between taking the easy way out and dealing with Neo, he knew which option he'd go for every time.

* * *

Text-to-speech wasn't the only problem with Neo, it turned out – she was also a bit of an emotional wreck who also liked to stab things whenever she got upset. Or happy. Or scared. Hell, she just liked to stab people. By this point, she had gone on to stab about eight people, thankfully non-lethally. That wasn't to say there was no damage – Team CRDL and Team CFVY would absolutely have mental and emotional scars to deal with, after all – just that there was no _real _damage, meaning no damage that Ozpin could get sued over, therefore as far as he was concerned, it wasn't his problem.

Something told Jaune that the headmaster just knew better than to get involved, which he couldn't blame him for. After all, Jaune didn't want to have to deal with Neo, either.

Anyway, it was now night time. Around midnight, to be exact. Normally Jaune would be asleep at this time, except tonight he was awoken by the mysterious feeling of something being absent, namely Roma's ass on his face. Imagine his surprise when he woke up and she – and more importantly, her ass – were both missing.

Now, Jaune liked to think of himself as being at least somewhat smart, at least where his… girlfriend? Friend with benefits? Fuck buddy? Cougar on the prowl? Sure, let's go with that. He liked to think of himself as being at least somewhat smart, at least where his cougar on the prowl was concerned. So when she came back into the dorm just a bit later carrying a comically oversized sack of something on her shoulder, he knew better than to think it was completely innocent.

"What have you got there?" Jaune asked.

Roma seemed surprised to see him up. "Jaune," she greeted. "You're up early. Or late, as the case may be. Not sure. I'll just say that you're up, and that it's surprising to me, because usually you're asleep at this time."

"Usually I have you sitting on my face at this time, which helps lull me to sleep. That's a lot harder to do when you're not here. And don't try to change the subject – I can see that cartoonishly huge bag of likely stolen goods on your shoulder. So, I'll ask again: what have you got there?"

"...Nothing."

Jaune just stared at her. Finally, she sighed. "Alright, alright! It's a bunch of valuables I've stolen from the students and faculty throughout the night."

"But why, Roma? Why would you do that?"

"Because, while I'm not evil anymore, I'm not a goody-two-shoes, either. That and I may or may not be a kleptomaniac."

"You can't be serious."

"Why do you think I became a thief in the first place? It definitely wasn't for the amazing dental coverage and retirement plan, I'll tell you that much. Speaking of retirement plans, did you know that Beacon has a pretty good one? It returns like five-and-a-half percent year over year, with a savings incentive match of three percent, as well as tax-free growth. And on top of that, the contributions aren't reported as income on the employee's tax returns. Now that's a good plan, wouldn't you say?"

Again, Jaune just stared at her. She furrowed her brow. "Damn, usually that works on most of the adults I come across… Why couldn't you be older? It'd be so much easier to get away with stuff if you were, all I'd have to do is dangle something like that in front of your face and your focus would be gone."

"Well, I'm only seventeen, so it's a bit early for me to be worrying about retirement plans."

"You're right. Guess it's plan B, then."

She dropped the sack and began to fiddle with the buttons on her suit jacket, only for Jaune to shake his head.

"That won't work, Roma. You're not getting out of this one."

"Alright, fine! Fine. I stole from Beacon's staff and students, just like I said. You all make it too easy, so how could I ever resist? Seriously, the locks around here are older than I am, all it took was a bobby pin to get into wherever I wanted. You're all lucky I had Neo distracting Goodwitch, otherwise she might have taken the opportunity to Mister Sandman a person or twelve."

That made Jaune raise an eyebrow. "You've got Neo distracting Goodwitch? How on Remnant is she doing that?"

"Trust me, you don't want to know."

* * *

"Dear Gods, make it stop!"

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"

* * *

Jaune actually shuddered. "Yeah, okay, you're got me there. But seriously, Roma. You can't be doing this. Ozpin's probably got you on thin ice already, do you really want to be pushing him over the edge?"

"Well, why not? My days are numbered anyway. Might as well do what I want before I finally buy the farm."

"Yeah, but that's no need to piss off Ozpin so hard that he kills you sooner. Trust me, you don't want to mess with Ozpin like this. Cardin messed with Ozpin once. _Once. _Now he checks under his bed and in his closet every night, just in case. And no, you don't want to know."

"...Okay, point taken." Roma sighed. "I just… don't want to compromise who I am, you know? I like being the smarmy thief without a heart of gold who pisses people off, does what she wants, and is completely unapologetic."

"Well, you can still do that."

"I can?"

"Yeah. Think about it – you've already got people out there who hate you and want you dead, right? So why not target them instead? It's not like they can hate you twice as hard as they already do. You might as well actually get something out of it besides just sitting here at Beacon, acting like an asshole and cowering in fear."

Roma stared at him in surprise, looking as if her mind was working a mile a minute. After a few seconds, a sly grin crossed her face.

"Oh, Jaune, I knew I made the right choice when I went with you," she announced. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some planning to do."

Jaune was actually afraid to ask what she had in mind, so he didn't bother. Something told him he didn't want to know, anyway.

* * *

As it turned out, he really didn't want to know, because it was even crazier than he could have possibly imagined.

"What do you think, Ozzy?" Roma asked, leaning against the robot with a proud smirk on her face. "Pretty nice, huh?"

Ozpin took a sip of his coffee. "Impressive," he announced. "Very nice."

"Yeah, I know – I'm pretty awesome."

Awesome was an understatement – this was like the tenth Paladin she had managed to steal back in about three days. How she managed to actually find time for it, Jaune didn't know. Beyond that, how she managed to consistently pull it off without getting caught or killed, he… well, he actually had a pretty good idea about that one, because as it turns out, even an entire army of White Fang is no match for one good Neo and Roma driving a single Paladin.

Needless to say, in the span of about three days, the White Fang's presence around Vale had been severely diminished. Roma and Neo had collectively torn their way through most of their forces without even trying, and Roma herself had stolen back a good portion of the Paladins the White Fang had obtained access to thanks to her.

"Well," Ozpin announced, turning to Glynda. "I'd say she's proven her worth. Wouldn't you agree?"

Glynda didn't say anything, probably because the mere thought of having to actually recognize Roma Torchwick as having done good in the world was akin to swallowing a mouthful of poison to her. Instead, she turned to Jaune.

"Good work, Mister Arc."

Roma was flabbergasted. "Oh, come on! I'm the one who did all the work!"

"I beg to differ. If it weren't for Mister Arc, you'd still be firmly on the side of evil."

"Uh, I'd still be firmly on the side of _me, _thank you very much. I know you Huntsmen and Huntresses have absolutely zero sense of self-preservation, but yours truly actually likes herself, and wants to keep on living while also having a fucking great time. Hence why I'm doing this for you all now. You're welcome, by the way."

Still, Glynda said nothing. Frustrated, Roma through her hands up before marching over to Jaune, then grabbing him by the arm and starting to pull him away.

"Where are we going?" Jaune asked.

"Back to the room," Roma growled. "I'm mad, so I'm going to tie you up and edge you for a while."

"But I didn't do anything."

"Doesn't matter; still mad."

Well, that was that. Looked like he was going to be edged to death again. Oh, the humanity. How horrible for him. F for our boy for getting one of his biggest fetishes to come true, the fucking asshole.

_Well, at least it beats having to play catch with Neo, _Jaune thought as Roma pulled him into their room and shut the door behind them.

* * *

**I don't have a whole lot to say about this chapter, aside from this: if you're a writer on this site and you've never given writing Torchwick a shot, you absolutely should, because holy shit, is it a great time. Roman is just such a smarmy asshole about everything that as long as your shit-talking and sarcasm game is on point, you're basically guaranteed to have fun with it. I know I did. The best part is that basically every insult is in-character for him, because even in canon, he's a somewhat politically incorrect asshole who just lives to piss people off. The only character I can think of that's similar is Mercury, and while he has shades of this, he comes off more like an edgy troll than Roman's true asshole who just doesn't care.**

**Also, more Neo. Her entire presence in this chapter basically stems from me realizing that a text-to-speech app would work wonders for her, and then taking that to its logical conclusion of "What if it was the text-to-speech app from Moonbase Alpha?" That's where all her text-to-speech quotes come from, anyway – from Motdef's old Moonbase Alpha video. And no, I'm not sorry. Anyway, this is likely the last you'll see of Neo in any significant amount – I kind of completely blew my load with her on her own chapter and now this one, and at the moment I really have nothing left for her. Maybe that will change in the future, but for now, I'm not sure.**

**Now, I'm going to do something a bit unprecedented and actually tell you all ahead of time what the next chapter will be, for a good reason: the next time this fic updates, it will have officially been a year since it started. I know I just did something special for Halloween, however a good buddy of mine (The Almighty Cross) floated the suggestion of doing a sort of special anniversary chapter to celebrate a year of updates, and I thought it was a great idea, along with his suggestion – coming full circle and going back to Blake. Initially, I didn't really think I was ever going to do Blake again, because while her chapter is pretty different from everything else, I was actually happy with it. But I've been thinking about it more and more, and I think I would like to go back to Blake, even if it's just one time – there's a lot I left unmentioned with her, and I think she could use the update. So, I'm pleased to announce that the next update will in fact be the sequel to Blake's chapter. If you're someone who was looking for more stuff related to her, this is for you.**

**Aside from that, I've got nothing else. See you all in two weeks, where we'll be taking another look at the shittiest of kitties.**

**Next update: Saturday, November 28.**


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